Revising your Paragraph

Here’s my original paragraph that I need to reviseThe Hunger Games is a movie made in 2012 starring Jennifer Lawrence and based on the book written by Suzanne Collins. The reason people like it is because it is about the resilience of the human spirit. It is about people who have to fight for their lives under an oppressive government. The reason people like it is because it is a good depiction of how people feel oppressed by the government. An interesting part is when Katniss is told to kill Peetaand she decides not to and they threaten to commit suicide instead. Some of the other big issues are gender, poverty, bullying, etc. The reason teenagers like this movie is because it is because it is about challenging authority. For instance, Katniss shoots an arrow at people while they are eating a pig. When she does this, she show that she is stronger than they are and will not put up with their crap. In conclusion, The Hunger Games is an amazing depiction of people who have to fight back against a government who controls them.

What’s wrong with this paragraph?

• The opening sentence is a description more than an

argument.

• There’s too many ideas for this one paragraph.

• There’s a lot of repetition

• The examples really don’t prove anything.

• A lot of broad words like “good” “people”

“amazing” and “interesting”

• The conclusion just repeats.

The Hunger Games is a movie made in 2012 starring

Jennifer Lawrence and based on the book written by

Suzanne Collins. The reason people like it is because it

is about the resilience of the human spirit. It is about

people who have to fight for their lives under an

oppressive government. The reason people like it is

because it is a good depiction of how people feel

oppressed by the government. An interesting part is

when Katniss is told to kill Peeta and she decides not to

and they threaten to commit suicide instead. Some of

the other big issues are gender, poverty, bullying, etc.

The reason teenagers like this movie is because it is

because it is about challenging authority. For instance,

Katniss shoots an arrow at people while they are eating

a pig. When she does this, she show that she is stronger

than they are and will not put up with their crap. In

conclusion, The Hunger Games is an amazing depiction

of people who have to fight back against a government

who controls them.

What could work about this paragraph

• A few ideas:

“resilience of the human spirit”

“oppressive government”

“challenging authority”

“fighting back”

• The examples:

Katniss refusing to kill Peeta

Katniss shooting an arrow

These are going to be the core of my rewrite

The Hunger Games is a movie made in 2012 starring

Jennifer Lawrence and based on the book written by

Suzanne Collins. The reason people like it is because it

is about the resilience of the human spirit. It is about

people who have to fight for their lives under an

oppressive government. The reason people like it is

because it is a good depiction of how people feel

oppressed by the government. An interesting part is

when Katniss is told to kill Peeta and she decides not to

and they threaten to commit suicide instead. Some of

the other big issues are gender, poverty, bullying, etc.

The reason teenagers like this movie is because it is

because it is about challenging authority. For instance,

Katniss shoots an arrow at people while they are eating

a pig. When she does this, she show that she is stronger

than they are and will not put up with their crap. In

conclusion, The Hunger Games is an amazing depiction

of people who have to fight back against a government

who controls them.

First, I’m going to start with a strong claim.

As the characters fight back against an oppressive government, The Hunger Games shows the resilience of the human spirit.

This works as a claim because it sets up the key ideas I am going to explore – the “oppressive government,” the rebellion, and the “resilience of the human spirit.”

Now I’m going to begin moving into specifics from the bookAs the characters fight back against an oppressive government, The Hunger Games shows the resilience of the human spirit. Even though they are teenagers from a poor community, Katniss and Peeta show bravery when they fight back against authority.

Now I’ve got another sentence that’s going to lead from my claim into the evidence that I’m going to explore. Also it backs up some key ideas from the first sentence: the resilience and the fighting back.

Evidence:

As the characters fight back against an oppressive government, The Hunger Games shows the resilience of the human spirit. Even though they are teenagers from a poor community, Katniss and Peeta show bravery when they fight back against authority. At the end of Hunger Games, they are told that they must fight each other to the death. Rather than surrender, they threaten to eat poison berries instead. By doing this, they show they are unwilling to live by the unfair rules of their society, even if it means their own death.

Now I’m moving into evidence: I’ve got a specific example of resilience, bravery, and fighting back. Notice the way the evidence and example from the book is clearly defined and described.

As the characters fight back against an oppressive government, The Hunger Games shows the resilience of the human spirit. Even though they are teenagers from a poor community, Katniss and Peeta show bravery when they fight back against authority. At the end of Hunger Games, they are told that they must fight each other to the death. Rather than surrender, they threaten to eat poison berries instead. By doing this, they show they are unwilling to live by the unfair rules of their society, even if it means their own death. Before the games begin, Haymitch tells Katniss, “Make sure they remember you.”

Here’s what I’ve done – I went to quotes page here: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1392170/quotes?ref_=tt_ql_3

And I found a quote that exemplifies the themes of resilience and rebellion and the “unwillingness to live by the unfair rules”

As the characters fight back against an oppressive government, The Hunger Games shows the resilience of the human spirit. Even though they are teenagers from a poor community, Katniss and Peeta show bravery when they fight back against authority. At the end of Hunger Games, they are told that they must fight each other to the death. Rather than surrender, they threaten to eat poison berries instead. By doing this, they show they are unwilling to live by the unfair rules of their society, even if it means their own death. Before the games begin, Haymitch tells Katniss, “Make sure they remember you.” As everyone watches Katniss show her bravery in the games, she becomes a symbol of hope and rebellion. She turns an event that is supposed to remind the people of their powerlessness, into an opportunity to show them their potential.

Now I’m still dealing with evidence, but I’m moving into analysis as well by writing about what Katniss has done, and how it’s working, and why her resilience means something more. Also, it ties into the quote.

As the characters fight back against an oppressive government, The Hunger Games shows the resilience of the human spirit. Even though they are teenagers from a poor community, Katniss and Peeta show bravery when they fight back against authority. At the end of Hunger Games, they are told that they must fight each other to the death. Rather than surrender, they threaten to eat poison berries instead. By doing this, they show they are unwilling to live by the unfair rules of their society, even if it means their own death. Before the games begin, Haymitchtells Katniss, “Make sure they remember you.” As everyone watches Katniss show her bravery in the games, she becomes a symbol of hope and rebellion. She turns an event that is supposed to remind the people of their powerlessness, into an opportunity to show them their potential. The huge popularity of the books might be because teenagers can respond to feeling oppressed or insignificant.

Now it’s time for analysis: I’m moving from the specifics to commentary about the specifics. I’m saying something about it – I’m connecting the popularity of the books to the way its audience would feel about them.

Analysis

As the characters fight back against an oppressive government, The Hunger Games shows the resilience of the human spirit. Even though they are teenagers from a poor community, Katniss and Peeta show bravery when they fight back against authority. At the end of Hunger Games, they are told that they must fight each other to the death. Rather than surrender, they threaten to eat poison berries instead. By doing this, they show they are unwilling to live by the unfair rules of their society, even if it means their own death. Before the games begin, Haymitch tells Katniss, “Make sure they remember you.” As everyone watches Katniss show her bravery in the games, she becomes a symbol of hope and rebellion. She turns an event that is supposed to remind the people of their powerlessness, into an opportunity to show them their potential. The huge popularity of the books might be because teenagers can respond to feeling oppressed or insignificant. Because Katniss begins as a poor citizen of District 12, she shows the value of being yourself and standing up to unfairness.

Now I’m saying something more about what those teenagers respond to, and what Katniss experiences, and how they’re connected.

As the characters fight back against an oppressive government, The Hunger Games shows the resilience of the human spirit. Even though they are teenagers from a poor community, Katniss and Peeta show bravery when they fight back against authority. At the end of Hunger Games, they are told that they must fight each other to the death. Rather than surrender, they threaten to eat poison berries instead. By doing this, they show they are unwilling to live by the unfair rules of their society, even if it means their own death. Before the games begin, Haymitchtells Katniss, “Make sure they remember you.” As everyone watches Katniss show her bravery in the games, she becomes a symbol of hope and rebellion. She turns an event that is supposed to remind the people of their powerlessness, into an opportunity to show them their potential. The huge popularity of the books might be because teenagers can respond to feeling oppressed or insignificant. Because Katniss begins as a poor citizen of District 12, she shows the value of being yourself and standing up to unfairness. As a strong young woman, Katniss has inspired a generation of teenagers as a powerful role model.

And here’s the conclusion sentence: notice the way it ties things back to the beginning. Is it perfect? No, but it does work to connect the “resilience” with Katniss as a “strong young woman” who is a “powerful role model.” I’ve show that the resilience of the human spirit has meaning to readers, and that works together with the popularity of the books.

As the characters fight back against an oppressive government, The Hunger Games shows the resilience of the human spirit

Even though they are teenagers from a poor community, Katniss and Peetashow bravery when they fight back against authority. At the end of Hunger Games, they are told that they must fight each other to the death. Rather than surrender, they threaten to eat poison berries instead. By doing this, they show they are unwilling to live by the unfair rules of their society, even if it means their own death. Before the games begin, Haymitch tells Katniss, “Make sure they remember you.” As everyone watches Katniss show her bravery in the games, she becomes a symbol of hope and rebellion. She turns an event that is supposed to remind the people of their powerlessness, into an opportunity to show them their potential.

The huge popularity of the books might be because teenagers can respond to feeling oppressed or insignificant. Because Katniss begins as a poor citizen of District 12, she shows the value of being yourself and standing up to unfairness. As a strong young woman, Katniss has inspired a generation of teenagers as a powerful role model.

CLAIM

EVIDENCE

ANALYSIS

Notice how this works.

BUT . . .You don’t have to your evidence and analysis in this order. Here’s an example of a paragraph that mixes evidence and analysis thoughtfully. I’ve underlined the claim, bolded the analysis, and italicized the evidence.

The Hunger Games shows the ways teenagers rebel due to their need to feel free and in control of their own lives. The primary demonstration of this is when Katniss and Gale go hunting in the woods outside the fence. Although they hunt for a good reason, to keep their families fed, they also do it for their own satisfaction . When they cross the boundary they feel free from all the rules and authority that is present in their district. This is how all teenagers feel when they break the rules or rebel in some way against the authority in their own lives. Everybody wants to feel like they are free to make their own decisions and do anything they choose to do and this becomes very apparent during an individual’s teenage years. Katniss also shows rebellion when she places flowers on Rue after she dies. This shows the capitol that people from different districts do not have to hate each other and strikes fear in the heart of the president who does not want the districts to ever unite again. Her deliberate decision to not allow the capitol the single victor that they want is a smack in the face of the president and all the leaders of Panem. Katniss shows rebellion in another way when she encourages Peeta to eat the berries and starts to eat them herself at the end of The Games. As she rebels more and more, Katniss starts to find her voice and develop her own opinion about things. This is true for all teenagers and in a way makes rebellion an important part of a person’s life. Katniss’ rebellion is a motivation for the teens reading the book to rebel in their own lives and, in some way, truly find out who they are.

As the characters fight back against an oppressive government, The Hunger Games shows the resilience of the human spirit. Even though they are teenagers from a poor community, Katniss and Peeta show bravery when they fight back against authority. At the end of Hunger Games, they are told that they must fight each other to the death. Rather than surrender, they threaten to eat poison berries instead. By doing this, they show they are unwilling to live by the unfair rules of their society, even if it means their own death. Before the games begin, Haymitchtells Katniss, “Make sure they remember you.” As everyone watches Katniss show her bravery in the games, she becomes a symbol of hope and rebellion. She turns an event that is supposed to remind the people of their powerlessness, into an opportunity to show them their potential. The huge popularity of the books might be because teenagers can respond to feeling oppressed or insignificant. Because Katniss begins as a poor citizen of District 12, she shows the value of being yourself and standing up to unfairness. As a strong young woman, Katniss has inspired a generation of teenagers as a powerful role model.

Here’s the overall paragraph: