Revising Your Essays

Common Issues and How to Solve Them

Are you excited yet?

Who doesn’t love revising essays?!

Red Words at the end of each line

If you see a red word at the end of a line of writing, means that there is some kind of error in that line. Find the error and fix it.

(Can you find the error above?)

Note: Some of you have more than one error in a line! Proofread carefully.

Punctuating Titles

Longer works need underlines or italics- To Educate a Girl (full length film)- A Lesson Before Dying (full novel)

Shorter works need “quotation marks”- “The Girl Effect: The Clock is Ticking” (short

film)- “A Different Approach to Breaking the Cycle of

Poverty” (article)

Punctuating Titles

*Remember to capitalize all of the major words in the title. I’m seeing a lot of this:

A lesson before Dying the Girl effectA different approach to the cycle of learning

(What should these look like?)

Transitions

There are many kinds of transitions you should use in an essay. I want to emphasize two of these.

1. Transitions between pieces of evidence within a paragraph.

2. Transitions between each paragraph.

Transitions Within a paragraph

Topic SentenceContextQuotation/ExampleAnalysisTransition ContextQuotation/ExampleAnalysisConcluding Sentence

Example transitions:

Another example of this is…

Similarly…

We also see this in…

___ is another example of this same idea.

Transitions Between Paragraphs

Intro Paragraph

Body Paragraph #1

Body Paragraph #2

Body Paragraph #3

Concluding Paragraph

All three of your body paragraphs are connected because they all relate back to your thesis and to your So what?.

So when I read your essay, I should see how they connect.

Does one idea lead to another?

Are you providing similar examples from multiple sources?

What is the relationship between the ideas in your body paragraphs?

Show this through your transitions. Some examples on the next slide…

Transitions Between ParagraphsThe basic option: Use basic transitional phrases in your topic sentences

Another example of how education can impact someone’s life is…Breaking the cycle of poverty is another example of how education can impact...

The more advanced option: Link your paragraphs together with phrases that bring together ideas from both paragraphs

Paragraph #1: Education develops self esteem

Paragraph #2: Education helps break the cycle of poverty

Paragraph #2 Sample Topic Sentence:

a) Not only can education help develop one’s sense of self worth, but, on a larger scale, it can help individuals break the cycle of poverty that they live in. (This example transitions to a completely new idea.)

b) Once an education has helped improve an individual’s self esteem, it can then help that person to begin improving their living conditions. (This example shows a cause and effect through this transition.)

Symbols – WW = wrong word

If I’ve marked a word with a “WW” it means the word you used doesn’t fit or hasn’t been used appropriately.

For example:Her family, however, had a strong emphasis on

education.

(What could be there instead?)

WW

Avoid Bland Language

These words are boring and show up a lot in your papers…

HugeGetGood

As you review your paper, which more powerful and descriptive words can you use instead??

Developing Your Analysis

Many of you have, or are on the right track to having, a solid analysis of your evidence in your essays.

Ideally, you want to have 2 – 4 sentences of analysis for each piece of evidence.

Developing Your Analysis: An Example of Minimal Analysis

Part of a sample paragraph:

Education can help an individual develop a sense of self worth. In the book A Lesson Before Dying by Ernest J. Gaines, we follow the journey of Grant and Jefferson, where Grant is educating Jefferson so he can go to the electric chair as a man. After extensive sessions and many trials and tribulations, Jefferson writes a note to Grant in his diary. It reads, in broken English, “good by mr wigin tell them im a man good by mr wigin im gon ax paul if he can bring you this.” This illustrates how even a man who considers himself a hog can be brought from his knees and consider himself a man amongst men with proper education.

The analysis (in blue) is focused, articulate, and clear. But it is short. Short is not inherently bad, but when you have such short analysis, you don’t give your reader a chance to process what you are saying because you move on too quickly.

Developing Your Analysis: An Example of More Developed AnalysisEducation can help an individual develop a sense of self worth. In the book A Lesson Before Dying by Ernest J. Gaines, we follow the journey of Grant and Jefferson, where Grant is educating Jefferson so he can go to the electric chair as a man. After extensive sessions and many trials and tribulations, Jefferson writes a note to Grant in his diary. It reads, in broken English, “good by mr wigin tell them im a man good by mr wigin im gon ax paul if he can bring you this.” This diary entry, which we see in one of the final chapters, shows a completely different man than the one that Grant met at the start of the book. Jefferson’s acknowledgment of his own humanness shows incredible growth, and illustrates how even a man who considers himself a hog can be brought from his knees and consider himself a man amongst men with proper education.

Developing Your Analysis: An Example of More Developed Analysis

SHORTER: This illustrates how even a man who considers himself a hog can be brought from his knees and consider himself a man amongst men with proper education.

MORE DEVELOPED: This diary entry, which we see in one of the final chapters, shows a completely different man than the one that Grant met at the start of the book. Jefferson’s acknowledgment of his own humanness shows incredible growth, and illustrates how even a man who considers himself a hog can be brought from his knees and consider himself a man amongst men with proper education.

What is different about these two analyses?

Introductions & Conclusions

Your introductions and conclusions should be between 4 - 7 sentences.

Some of you had excellent introductions and conclusions.

Some of you need to work on them… Review the handouts that you received last week in class.

Overall, I was really impressed with your first drafts. Don’t be discouraged if the scores you earned on this first draft aren’t what you would like. That’s why we will do a revision!

Final draft is due by Thursday’s (periods 3 and 4) or Friday’s (period 7) class.

You will have some time to work on your essay in class on Tuesday/Wednesday, but the rest will be homework.

I will be back on Friday! Can’t wait to see you all.

Miss you all! I’ll be back on Friday!

(Please disregard my messy hair.)