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8/7/2019 REVISE_7 ways

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The 7 ways you sabotage you

Relationship

ought to you by

ww.datingandrelationshipissues.com

No one will deny that in today’s

world, relationships are fraught

with difficulty. At one time it was

ssumed that relationships led to

marriage and that marriage was

or life. The generation born

during and after World War I

howed us what it would be like

o be married to the sameperson for 50+ years. However,

s we enter into 2011 we see

hat there has been a breakdown

n family life with divorce at an

larming rate of 50% and a

decrease in marriages around

he western world. Despite this,

here are many who still desire

o marry and settle down with a

amily, but face problems

establishing strong relationships

that could lead to marriage.

One of the main reasons that people

are unsuccessful in relationships which

lead to marriage is tied in to self-

sabotaging behaviour. What is

sabotage? Sabotage is defined as

“the treacherous action used to

hinder a cause or endeavour.” So,

self-sabotage is “the treacherous

action used against ones self to

hinder their own cause or

endeavour.” In fact, saboteurs were

often linked to traitors, those who

committed treacherous or treasonous

acts against their own country.

Therefore, we can say that a person

who commits self sabotage is in fact,

committing treasonous acts against

themselves.

Let us look at some of the treachery we perpetrate against ourselves in the area of relationships.

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Insecurity is one of the biggest problems people have i

relationships. How does this manifest itself? Well, imag

that another woman is talking to your boyfriend/husban

and you are examining the interaction, perhaps looking fo

a connection between the two when there is none. The

holding your partner to account, you accuse him o

something that never happened. Or you are compa

yourself with another and possibly disliking that person

since you feel that they are better than you in some way.

ORIGINS: The template of insecurity was written in childhood. Usually, this stems froour parents who unwittingly contributed to our lack of security in the family structure anwe bought into the “software” that was given to us. These insecurities have remaine

undetected and are now manifesting itself within the romantic relationship.

1) INSECURITY

2) CONTROL FREAK

Closely tied in to insecurity, is the need for individuals to

control their relationships. Since control means power, the

one who controls the relationship has the most power and

therefore, has most of their needs met. The victim serves

the needs of the controller. Both men and women are

guilty of controlling behaviour. Some people, for examplehave a need to have things their own way. Prior to

marriage or dating, they had made a formula for certain

aspects of their life that had worked for them. Entering

into this new relationship, they seek to impose these ideas

on the new partner. There is very little consideration for

the victims needs and desires and if the victim is passive

in nature, the controller will push their manifesto through

with little resistance. Controllers tend to have the

misguided view that what they do is for the benefit of both

parties when in reality, it serves their cause only.

ORIGINS: This need for control is also borne out of insecurities learned in childhoodand can be rectified if given sufficient attention.



3) THE MARTYR

The desire to help others is innate within all human

beings. Yet to constantly desire to rescue others during

relationships is a sure sign of self sabotage. If you find

that you are drawn to partners who need constant help

and attention, then that is a sign that you are a

martyr/rescuer. Perhaps you are currently withsomeone who has serious physical, financial and

emotional roblems.

You may be playing the role of the parent, giving them parental advice. Perhaps your partner has been hu

in the past and you feel obligated to “make it up” to them. If you are a rescuer, then understand that unles

you deal with the core issue, i.e. your need to rescue others, then all your relationships are doomed. Thes

types of relationships are draining on you, but you are waiting for the big payoff, the day when your partne

gets back on their feet again and crowns you as their champion for saving them. Of course, that will neve

happen, but you delude yourself that if you try a little bit harder, then things will work out.

ORIGINS: This behaviour usually stems from unfinished emotional wounds fromchildhood. Perhaps, we ourselves were never rescued or we tried to rescue ouparents, (perhaps from alcoholism) and now our lifes mission is to rescue our partnersInvariably, we will be attracted to broken individuals like ourselves. Our “fixing” themdistracts us from the “fixing” that we need to do within.

4) ATTENTION SEEKER

Another self sabotaging technique

is the need to be centre stage orneeding inordinate amounts of

attention. While it is normal for

people to seek a sense of self

worth and validation, there are

some who seem to make a virtual

career out of attention-seeking

behaviour. Whether this is done

by the way they dress or what

they say or whatever drama they

conjure up, these individuals want

you to notice them at any cost.

Sadly, in western society, attention

seeking is very common and in

large part promoted by the media

through reality shows and glossy

magazines. It is no longer

desirable to be “ordinary.”

Everyone now needs to feel like a

celebrity! These types of

individuals have the emotional age

of a child and often do not

understand their own motivations.

ORIGINS: Needing a lot of attention has its roots in childhood. Withoutsufficient attention during this crucial time, a child is left to question theirvalue. In adulthood they seek to create this value by drawing attention tothemselves to compensate for neglect in their younger years.



5) NEEDINESS

Let us consider another trait which works against

us and that is the trait of neediness. In western

society, our understanding of what love is, has

been taught, not by parents or educators, but bymovies and literature. The message of these

movies and books suggest that people lack love in

their life. In other words, if your love life is not

similar to the one presented here in this book or

movie, you do not have it and consequently, you

need to go out and find it!

Based on these fallacious teachings about love

both men and women have been duped into

believing that, “movie love” is what they need to

fulfil them. In fact, they define this as true love.

Our whole ethos about love stems from this

deceptive teaching and based on this premise we

end up with a misguided need to feel fulfilled from

someone else. The focus of needy people is

Needy people are externally

oriented, everything is wrong

about the external, “my partner

is not good enough”, “they

don’t like me”, “no one cares

about me” are the types of

expressions heard from these

types.

A needy person is

outwardly focu

that they fail to

where the probl

really lies; wit

themselves. T

genesis of this iss

comes from a time

life when there w

a number of nee

not met in t

persons life a

therefore like maself sabotaging tra

there is an o

compensation

dynamic playing ou

6) FEAR OF INTIMACY

An often overlooked area of self sabotage has to do with

the fear of intimacy. Intimacy is defined as“a close,

familiar, and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship with

another person or group.” A fear of intimacy displays a fear of sharing of oneself with others. This

is usually done to hide the parts of ourselves that are “defective”. We perpetuate this fear by not

allowing others to get close to us or if put, “under the spotlight” we shut down as a means of se lf

protection. We may feel that to “open up” exposes us to betrayal and therefore we have developed a

self protection mechanism which ultimately prevents us from getting close to anyone. At our core, we

believe that we are unlovable or unworthy, perhaps we were the victim of rejection and abandonment

and we have lived with this perception of betrayal and unworthiness ever since.



7) BAGGAGE HANDLERS

To some degree, we must be realistic and understand that we all

carry baggage. However, the thing that prevents many people from

enjoying love and fulfilment is that they have not removed baggage

from their previous relationships.

Too often, I have observed that many people will break up with a

partner after a three year relationship and then within a month,

they will be involved with someone new! They will claim that they

are “over” the previous person but in actuality they are not “over”

the effects of that relationship.

The fear of being alone is what drives many people to seek new

relationships even though they have not purged themselves of the

old one. Do you realize that there are many people who have never

lived alone for any period of time since they left their parents home?

They leave their parents and move in with their partner or get

married. That relationship breaks down, they move in with someone

else and so it goes on.

There has been no time or spac

for critical analysis, no correction

of attitude, no lessons learne

Instead, there is just a gung-hmentality as they move from on

relationship to the next, nev

realizing where things are goin

wrong. This is self sabotage at i

finest!



These are a few of the

self-sabotaging traits that

prevent people from

enjoying harmonious

relationships. Notice that

most of these traits have

their origins in childhood.

Although there are cases

where these traits may

develop at a later date,

most professionals in the

field of

psychology/counseling

Tony Cross

(Relationship coach)

years of a Childs life and their interaction with their family plays a significant part

in their development. If you or someone you know has any of these traits, restassured that they can be overcome. Often it takes self awareness along withconcerted effort to combat a long standing problem.

I hope this report has been useful to you. If it has, please pass it on to yourfriends and acquaintances.

My website www.datingandrelationshipissues.com provides information that isuseful for anyone wanting to understand love dynamics and how to enjoy morefruitful relationships.

Until next time,




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