Dr. Benzion Sorotzkin Respondsg In his article “Why Aren’t Our Kidsin Shul?” (summer 2011), Rabbi Dr. JayGoldmintz writes the following:

One of the most powerful pieces ofresearch I have read on the subject isfrom studies done on church atten-dance: “Most children regard wor-ship as uninteresting and boring,nevertheless, it is the children whohave been regularly involved in itwho are more likely to retain thehabit of church attendance when freeto abandon it” [Kenneth Hyde, Reli-gion in Childhood and Adolescence:A Comprehensive Review of theResearch (Birmingham, Alabama,1990), 11-12]. In other words. . . thoseadults who end up attending serviceson their own are those who went aschildren even though they didn’twant to. Simply put: the more youforce your child to go to shul, themore likely it is that he or she willcontinue to go to shul later in life.

It’s hard to imagine any contempo-rary educator stating that forcing chil-dren to go to shul will make it morelikely that they will continue going asadults. Years of research on cognitivedissonance and self-determination the-ory, to say nothing about the experi-ences of countless educators, point tothe exact opposite: Children who areforced to attend shul are the ones whoare most likely to abandon shul as soonas they are on their own.

Rabbi Goldmintz’s quote fromHyde’s book is taken from the prefaceand isn’t describing any specific re-search. There is no statement any-where else in the 400-plus-page bookthat advocates forcing children to at-tend worship services. In fact, Hydewrites (p. 232), “Only ineffectual par-ents used the strategy of children beingthreatened with punishment by Godfor bad behavior to enhance theirpower to control their children. Its ef-fect was to produce compliance ratherthan an internalization of values. . .” Hethen concludes (p. 254): “The principaldeterminant for church attendancewas parental attendance and parental

religious values.” There is no mentionof forced attendance.

Hyde’s basic statement is reallynothing more than common sense.Those who enjoy playing tennis asadults are more likely to have done soas children than those who don’t.That doesn’t mean that if you forceyour child to play tennis he will bemore likely to continue playing whenhe’s older!

The importance of avoiding coer-cion in chinuch is also emphasized inTorah literature. The Shlah Hakadosh(Parashat Vayetzei 31:5) writes thatwhen someone wants something doneby his family members, it isn’t advis-

able to impose his will–even if he hasauthority over them. Rather he shouldtry to influence them in a manner thatwill bring them to want it themselves.

When we make harsh demands ofour children, our values don’t becomeinternalized. This is an important prin-ciple in chinuch.

Dr. Benzion Sorotzkin is a clinical psychologist whoworks with adolescents and adults in Brooklyn,New York.

Rabbi Daniel Rockoff Respondsg Rabbi Goldmintz’s comments areright on target. Teens may not be hard-wired to enjoy the meditative commu-nal aspects of tefillah in shul, butmaking sure their experiences are posi-tive and meaningful is essential if wewant to see them in shul.

Typically, after completion of theBar and Bat Mitzvah experience, achild’s sense of purpose wears off.The bright-eyed child who enthusias-tically accepted the yoke of mitzvotquickly morphs into a questioning,contrarian adolescent.

A teen minyan allows teens to takeon leadership roles as well as observerole models whom they can learn from.

A teen minyan also creates a venuewhere positive peer pressure can en-courage teens to participate in shul.“Cool” leaders, parent volunteers and agreat kiddush go a long way too.

Smaller shuls in communities suchas ours in Overland Park, Kansas, thatdo not have the population to support ateen minyan use other means to getteens involved. As Rabbi Goldmintzstresses, parents remain the most pro-found role models in this area.

Other types of role models can beinstrumental as well. Often the rabbi,rebbetzin or another adult can activelyengage teens, especially those withouta parent on their side of the mechitzah,by sitting with them and gently guidingthem. Conversely, the best way to learnis to teach others. Teens themselvescan serve as role models for youngerchildren, either by assisting a younger“buddy” or serving as a youth leaderfor Shabbat morning groups.

At our shul, we actively involveteens by having them lead the daven-ing, read the Torah, and participate inthe services in other ways. It is also im-portant to remember that our confi-dence follows our competence. Youngadults must be comfortable with thesiddur, with the tunes, and with read-ing Hebrew. We must all take responsi-bility for ensuring that children havethese skills.

Rabbi Daniel Rockoff is rabbi of Beth Israel Abra-ham Voliner (BIAV) in Overland Park, Kansas.

Rabbi Ron YitzchokEisenman Respondsg A young man once came to a rav foradvice. The man was having difficultiesdeciding if a girl was the “right one.”The rav asked, “You are very con-cerned about the woman being the‘right one’; however, what about your-self? Are you the right one?”

Perhaps instead of asking why kidsdo not come to shul, we should be ask-ing ourselves, “Why are we coming toshul?” Even if we are physically in shul,are we emotionally in shul?

How many of us can claim that weare in shul on time and that we stay fo-

4 I JEWISH ACTION Winter 5772/2011

My rabbinic hunch tells methat today’s AWOL youngman will be tomorrow’sshul president.

Responses to “Why Aren’t Our Kids in Shul?”

cused on the davening? How many of us can claim thatwhen we leave shul we feel spiritually rejuvenated?

How many of us look forward to shul on Shabbat as thehighlight of the week?

Prayer is a lifelong struggle. It is hard when we arenine-years-old and hard when we are ninety-years-old.Why, then, do I (and most of us) come to shul?

We go to shul for the same reason we go to work andthe gym and anyplace else we may not initially want to go;we go because in our world outlook it is the right thing todo, notwithstanding the fact that each individual prayerexperience may be difficult.

Perhaps thirty or forty years ago, children were less de-fiant and less independent. Today, however, with the pro-

liferation of our “feel-good” lifestyle and our“warm-and-fuzzy Judaism,” it is not surprising that kidsfeel more empowered to stay home. For them, it is not yet“the right thing” to do.

However, I am not pessimistic. Why? I recall overthirty years ago when I was a dorm counselor at YeshivaUniversity, and Rabbi Yosef Blau, the mashgiach, spoke tous about the alarming number of boys who were not com-ing to davening on Shabbat. He discussed with us what, ifanything, there was to do about it.

I no longer recall if the policies helped. However, myhunch tells me that most of those “boys” are now men whoare in shul on Shabbat and they are grappling with theirown children’s shul attendance.

Many young women today help out in the kitchen lessthan girls did years ago; however, when these youngwomen become wives and mothers, they magically be-come efficient ba’ala-bustahs!

Therefore, let us not despair; once these young men be-come husbands and fathers, they will be found in shul onShabbat morning along with the rest of us. My rabbinichunch tells me that today’s AWOL young man will be to-morrow’s shul president.

Rabbi Ron Yitzchok Eisenman is rabbi of Congregation Ahavas Israel in Pas-saic Park, New Jersey.

Rabbi Hershel Billet Respondsg In his insightful essay, Rabbi Goldmintz describes aproblem which our community has not made enough of aneffort to solve. At an early age, our children are presentedwith their first siddur with great fanfare in the presence oftheir teachers, principals, and family members. The snacksdistributed at the “siddur party” add to the sweetness ofthe moment. But after the Bar or Bat Mitzvah celebration,the excitement has dissipated and the sweet taste has long

For this generation, if only one could prayon Facebook or Twitter or send God ane-mail, things might be easier.

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6 I JEWISH ACTION Winter 5772/2011

left their systems. For some children,after elementary school or junior highschool the synagogue becomes, at best,a social center on Shabbat and holi-days. Many see the synagogue as aplace of worship only after their year inIsrael or if they become active mem-bers of the religious Jewish communityon their college campuses.

Is it possible to bring our juniorhigh and high school students backinto the sanctuary for serious Divineservice? Rabbi Goldmintz accuratelydescribes the possible causes of ourkids’ disinterest: hormones, length ofthe service, lack of comprehension ofthe prayer book, irrelevance of theservice, poor parental role models, etcetera. In addition, most teenagers donot confront the human condition withall of its ferocity and helplessness as re-sponsible adults must. Some teenagershave not yet developed the sophistica-tion to relate to prayer as a usefulmedium on a practical and philosophi-cal level. For this generation, if onlyone could pray on Facebook or Twitteror send God an e-mail, things might beeasier. Perhaps that is why Steve Jobswas summoned to Heaven.

I have long been a believer in apartnership between parents, schools,and synagogues. Ultimately, parentsare responsible for their children—notthe yeshivah! Not the synagogue! But itis wrong for schools or shuls to copsuch a plea. Each should play a com-plementary role in the spiritual devel-opment of our children. I know ajunior high school principal who askedparents to practice reading the Amidahwith their children. He received hostileresponses from many parents who saidthat the school was being remiss in itsduty by asking the parents to play arole in their kids’ spiritual well-being!

We must try a partnership projectbetween parents, schools, and shuls.Since kids respond best to situationsthat combine food and social interac-tion, perhaps these draws can be usedto lure them to the synagogue. For ex-ample, rotating youth committeescould be formed that will meet duringthe week to plan the after-service kid-dush, arrange menus, purchase sup-plies, prepare various dishes, et cetera;those involved will feel responsibilityfor the success of the venture and come

to shul. Youth committees could alsomeet during the week to give out theroles of the ba’alei tefillah and ba’aleikeriah. Young women could preparestimulating questions to be asked be-fore each aliyah and deliver the divreiTorah at the conclusion of the minyan.These committees could also help planthe melodies to be used by the ba’aleitefillah, making shul time more enjoy-able through communal singing ofsongs that young people like andconnect to.

In addition, if a steering committeeconsisting of educators, rabbis, syna-gogue lay members and parents couldbe created to devise a uniform curricu-lum in prayer for grades one throughtwelve that would involve every child’sfamily and the cooperation of everysynagogue (including the regular adultminyanim, the junior congregationsand high school minyanim), perhapschange is possible. Part of the programwould involve teaching the meaning ofthe prayers. Perhaps by creating andusing an abbreviated siddur with essen-tial prayers only, to be used in conjunc-tion with “relevant” programs andappropriate treats or a kiddush, ourteenagers can be brought out of thesynagogue halls and into the sanctuary.

Rabbi Hershel Billet is rabbi of the Young Israel ofWoodmere in New York.

Rabbi Dovid Gottlieb Respondsg When reflecting back on my years atCongregation Shomrei Emunah in Bal-timore, I am struck by the fact that ourexperience was, on the one hand, fun-damentally dissimilar to that de-scribed by Rabbi Goldmintz, and yet,the concern he expressed waspainfully familiar.

As far as I was aware, the over-whelming majority of our teens at-tended shul on a weekly basis. Yet,even with most teens in shul everyShabbat, the challenges of meaningfultefillah, spiritual motivation,and proper decorum were issuesthat we, like other communities,certainly confronted.

The difficulties teens have withdavening are actually very similar tothe problems adults face. For a largepercentage of the Orthodox commu-nity—including the yeshivah and semi-

nary educated among us—tefillah is theweakest link in their religious obser-vance. Difficulty relating to the text ofthe siddur, an emotional disconnectfrom God, and an inability to maintainconcentration for the (typically)lengthy Shabbat morning davening areall issues that confront adults as wellas teens.

The unfortunate reality is that inevery synagogue there are people whoattend week after week for reasons thathave very little to do with serious avo-dah she’balev. Just “showing up” is im-portant, but it is clearly insufficient.Lack of shul attendance, while trou-bling, is not the problem; it is a symp-tom—among others—of the deeperproblem of spiritual alienation.

It is also important to acknowledgethat shuls are generally no more thanthe “third line of defense” behind thehome and school. Nevertheless, I be-lieve a shul can and should play ameaningful role in the religious devel-opment of our children.

In Shomrei Emunah, we were ableto develop numerous programs aimedat enhancing the tefillah experience ofour youth, including a weekly teenminyan and Seudah Shelishit program,both of which focus on the teenagers’unique needs and, at the same time,empower them to take responsibilityfor the quality of their spiritual experi-ence. Additionally, the main Minchahminyan on Shabbat afternoon is beauti-fully led every week by the teens, andat least once a year the entire Shabbatmorning davening is run by the youth.We thus tried to strike a balance be-tween focusing on the teens apart fromthe adults and, at the same time, mak-ing them feel a part of the overall shulcommunity.

Much more needs to be said, butthe bottom line is this: A lot ofteenagers feel alienated from tefillahand, like many adults, this remains avery real challenge even if they attendshul regularly. We must make it a com-munal priority to educate and inspireour children about the beauty of dav-ening and the privilege of talkingto Hashem.

Rabbi Dovid Gottlieb is the former rabbi of Congre-gation Shomrei Emunah in Baltimore, Maryland.Since making aliyah in 2010, Rabbi Gottlieb hastaught at various yeshivot.

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