Respectful Engagement

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Build Well-Being byBeing Present

• Are you Actively Listening???

• Are you thinking about what you are going to say next?

• Are you giving your partner your full attention?

Is that enough??

What does this mean?

“There's a lot of difference between listening and hearing.” ― G.K. Chesterton

“An appreciative listener is always stimulating.” ― Agatha Christie, The Mysterious Affair at Styles

“Friends are those rare people who ask how we are, and then wait to hear the answer.” ― Ed Cunningham

Destructive Responses cause people to withdraw

Shelly Gable’s research showed that Passive Constructive Responding was just as deflating and unhelpful as the 2 Destructive responses.

Constructive Destructive

Active Animated and wholehearted:

“That’s great, tell me more!”

Invalidating or a Put Down.

“You were just lucky this time.”

“It’s not really all that good”

Passive Low Key and unenthusiastic

“Oh, that’s nice.”

Shifting attention to something else:

“Let me tell you about when that happened to me.”

Does this look Familiar?

Studies have found that active and constructive responses make the interviewer feel good about his/her self and good about the interviewee.

Why???

BECAUSE…

They feel understood, validated, and cared for by the partner.

These responses encourage positive and close relationships to friends, family and co-workers.

Everyone wants to be heard and like the person taking the time to care.

Four Types of Communication

Active - Constructive

Active - Destructive

Passive – Constructive

Passive Destructive

Responses to a person sharing that they got a promotion at work…

• Active—Constructive (AC) responses to people's good events convey interest and enthusiasm regarding the event and positive regard toward the person. These responses often entail questions about the event, elaboration of the positive features, and comments on the implications the event has for a person. The AC responder is often enthusiastic, excited, or happy. To convey this, make good eye contact, show positive emotion, make enthusiastic comments, such as 'That sounds great" or "You must be (have been) so excited." Ask constructive questions to get at more positive aspects of the event (e.g., if a student tells you about a good grade she received on a particularly difficult assignment or test, you might ask questions about how she managed to study or work for the assignment, what aspect she feels really good about, and how this grade will help her in the class or her overall academic plans). Comment on the potential benefits or implications that may come (or have come) from this event. You may take some notes on the event. In short, try to be an active and supportive interviewer. Many people, when they first hear about this style, worry that when they try to do it, especially with people they do not know very well, their responses will sound phony or scripted. However, in practice, once they start, people report it being easy to do. One strategy is to pick one aspect of the event or how the person feels about the event that resonates with you and begin by commenting on that—"I can see that you are happy about that, please tell me more” or, “That must have been so satisfying to do so well on something you worked so hard for."

• Active—Destructive (AO) responses are those where the responder is highly involved in the exchange, but this response entails a minimization of the importance of the positive event, a focus on the potential downsides of the event, or both. Although the responder is actively involved in the interaction, he or she spends that energy pointing out unseen or nonexistent negative implications of the event, and making the event seem not so great in the first place. To convey this, ask questions and make comments about any potential negative aspects regarding the event. In addition, ask exactly what is so 'good' about this good event. Comments and question such as "What's so good about that?" and "Sounds like that has its downsides as well." are examples of this type of probing. In short, try to be an active but questioning interviewer.

• Passive—Constructive (PC) responses may appear positive or supportive on the surface, but they are reserved and subtle. These responses are often quiet exchanges that involve few, if any, questions about the event and little or no elaboration on the implications of the positive event. To convey this, smile and make occasional eye contact as you listen. Do not ask additional questions about the event or elaborate on his or her statements. When the person is finished speaking, ask whether he or she is done, smile warmly, and say, "That sounds good.” In short, try to be a pleasant but uninvolved interviewer.

• Passive—Destructive (PD) responses are those in which the responder shows little or no interest in the positive event. The responder may change the subject completely or talk instead about himself or herself. To convey this, allow the person to talk about the event until he or she has finished the description. Try not to make much eye contact, or look too interested in what the speaker is saying. When he or she is done, don’t comment on the event, but instead continue the conversation in another direction. You can talk about yourself or you can ask him or her mundane questions about everyday life (eg., "What did you have for breakfast?"). The important part of this interview, once he or she has finished describing the event, is to not contaminate his or her experience by commenting on it or acknowledging the event or emotion surrounding it. Your job is to be a detached and uninterested interviewer.