renovate your relationship

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Authors

Relationships Australia (Victoria):

Andrew Bickerdike, Tony Gee, Paul Wiseman.

MensLine Australia:

Andrew King and Paul Ridgewell. Consultant Terry Melvin.

Research, writing, editing, book design and production by

Helpul Partners Pty Ltd.

Acknowledgements

We acknowledge the many men we work with and who put continualeort into improving their relationships. We have drawn on some o

their quotes and refections.

Funding

Relationships Australia receives unding rom the Australian, State and

Territory Governments and other agencies. We grateully acknowledge

this support which assists us to provide relationship services.

Copyright notice

Relationships Australia (Victoria) and Crisis Support Services Inc.

This work is copyright. You may download, display, print and reproduce

hi i l i l d l ( i i hi i )


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CONTENTS

WHY THIS BOOKL ET ?

The project: Renovate your relations

PROJECT SCOPE:

MEN AND RELATIONSHIPS

Project overview

Project plan

What do you want to build?

Measuring up

Project oundations

Trust, respect and equality

Mutual decision making and shared res


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WH

Many m

These g

More ot

men ee

suddenl


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The project:

Renovate your relationship

Project rationale:

Relationships are critically important or both men and women.

Men can take the initiative or relationship maintenance or improvement.

Men can be more alert to early warning signs when their relationships

are in difculty.

Men can tackle issues beore they become a crisis.


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PRO

MEN

Changin

Think ce

Conuse

Sometim


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Project overviewThink about all the things you really value such as:

your partner

your house

your garden

your hobbies

your sport

your car

your amily

your riends


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Project plan

What do you want to build?

Generally, you cant build without some sort o a plan.

Take a look at the list opposite. Tick some boxes or add things o your ow

Now take the next step

Sit down with your partner and ask them what they want.


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Project oundationsGood relationships are built on this scaolding.

Trust, respect and equality

Partners respect themselves and each other.

Partners eel equal, there is no ownership or domination by one person.

There are equal rights, opportunities and responsibilities.


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PROCheck o

Come b

Proje

DIY mea

Tool 1:


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Tool 1: Working together?

A reality check

A renovation project is easier with a mate to work with. A mate who is

working with you, one you know, trust and like.

You might think you know everything there is to know about yoursel and

your partner, but have you really thought about it? Do you still have the

same hopes, dreams and values?

H i i W i d h k

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Tool 2: Avoiding misunderstandingsSome people are better communicators than others. Communication is

something we all need to learn and improve on, because its an essentia

part o any healthy relationship.

Communication is very complex. We may hear things incorrectly, or

misinterpret the message. It is important when communicating with your

partner that you:

are clear about what you want to communicate

convey your message so that it can be received and understood as

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Tool 3: Sharpen up your listening

Everyone has two ears and one mouth

Many people complain that their eelings, opinions and priorities

are ignored or not heard.

It is sometimes hard to show that you are actively listening

(particularly i its stu you dont want to hear).

However, there are some simple techniques or good listening

(i i b i l i hi )

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Tool 4: Resolving confictUnresolved repeated conict is like rust it can corrode something that

once was resh and strong. Like rust, you cannot just leave it and hope it

will go away.

The bad news: conict is inevitable.

The good news: i dealt with properly it need not be destructive.

Child saety alert!

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Tool 5: When the roo blows o!

Anger and rustration

For many men, anger and rustration are the eelings most easy to express.

It may not be so easy to express hurt, sadness or ear.

Feelings o anger or rustration need to be managed careully to ensure they

dont damage communication. Anger is not usually a good response to

problems, even i it seems helpul in the short term.

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Tool 6: Who has the power?

Abuse and violence

Relationships have power dierences in them. Oten power in relationshi

can be imbalanced. How do you and your partner manage power?

Does someone have more power?

Does someone want to be top-dog?

Does someone want to make all the decisions?

D t t h th f l d?

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Stop and think beore you act.

Take time out to cool down.

Talk about your eelings or what you want.

Be prepared to negotiate.

Ask or help (see contact inormation or MensLine

Australia and Relationships Australia).

I you behave abusively or violently you need to change.

It is unlikely you can change this behaviour on your own.


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Work/lie balanceMy daughter has cystic fbrosis. It changed our lives. I became a

workaholic. My wie and I never talked about anything else. I was

burning out. I managed to see what was happening beore it wrecked

marriage. My partner and I settled or a more relaxed liestyle. I earn le

but my daughter still gets good care and lie is heaps better. Rodney,

Frankly, you cant expect to work on your relationship unless youve g

your own shit together. Ben, 35


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Tool 8: Renovate your sex lie

Dont conuse sex with intimacy

I sex is the physical act, intimacy is the closeness o eeling loved, valued,

respected or yoursel without judgement.

Without this kind o intimacy sex can become a desperate and

disappointing experience.

Intimacy with a partner does not always need to result in having sex.

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Tool 9: LoveFeelings o love change a lot throughout a relationship.

Romance The passionate, intense phase.

Challenges Kids, money, stress and amily crises kick in. This can lead

to disillusionment as we just try to survive day by day.

Companions Getting through the challenges together brings strong

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Tool 10: Valuing dierencesPeople are oten initially attracted to one other because their partner is

dierent to themselves. Then over time, these dierences can be seen

as problems.

For example, the way she took extra time to get ready was really cute at frst,

now it drives you crazy. Perhaps you think, i only she was more like me it

would be fne or even i only she did what I said it would be fne.

Relationships highlight dierences. We can either ocus on these as a

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Tool 11: AppreciationAcknowledge your appreciation o your partner by:

telling them, oten

taking responsibility or organising activities so that this responsibility

not just their job

making meals or sharing household chores

willingly participating in activities organised by your partner

giving simple gits that have meaning to your partner.

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Tool 13: Children Planning orthe extension

The arrival o the frst child is oten the start o your steepest learning curve.

You and your partner may never have done this beore. Overnight the

relationship changes rom being a couple, to being parents.

Men oten eel there is little they can do, but actually dads have a signifcant

impact on the mother and childs well-being, both when children are new-

born and growing up.

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RES

Whe

Couns

Lots o m

work this

Myths:

I should


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Family dispute resolutionThis is a service that couples usually access when they are separating. It is

used to resolve issues o parenting and property. It assists couples to deal

with these issues in ways that work as well as possible or them and their

children, rather than going to court.

Getting legal advice as part o this process can be useul, so that decisions

are not made in isolation. Separation is a difcult experience and many

participants value being able to address these issues in the presence o a

trained third party. It may not be appropriate i there is a history o domestic

violence or mental health issues


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Debt Education and Mediation Centre1300 731 722

Assists people with debt crises and money management skills.

Family Relationship Advice Line

1800 050 321

www.amilyrelationships.gov.au

The Family Relationship Advice Line is a national telephone service

established to assist amilies aected by relationship or separation issue

Family Assistance Ofce


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Authors

Relationships Australia (Victoria):

Andrew Bickerdike, Tony Gee, Paul Wiseman.

MensLine Australia:

Andrew King and Paul Ridgewell. Consultant Terry Melvin.

Research, writing, editing, book design and production by

Helpul Partners Pty Ltd.

Acknowledgements

We acknowledge the many men we work with and who put continual

eort into improving their relationships. We have drawn on some o

their quotes and refections.

Funding

Relationships Australia receives unding rom the Australian, State and

Territory Governments and other agencies. We grateully acknowledge

this support which assists us to provide relationship services.

Copyright notice

Relationships Australia (Victoria) and Crisis Support Services Inc.

This work is copyright. You may download, display, print and reproduce

this material in unaltered orm only (retaining this notice) or your

personal, non-commercial use or use within your organisation. All rights

are reserved. Requests and enquiries concerning reproduction rights

should be addressed to:

Chie Executive Ocer

Relationships Australia (Victoria)

PO Box 8656

Armadale Victoria 3143

Email: [email protected]

or

Crisis Support Services

PO Box 2335

Footscray Victoria 3011

Email: [email protected]

About this booklet

Like a manual, this booklet is best dipped into, not read rom cover to

cover. Making changes can be dicult and requires courage.

Your feedback

Help us to improve uture editions.

Send your eedback to [email protected]

renovate your relationship

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