Remembered Event Essay Final Copy

In my final copy, Mr. Dixon stated that he liked my main point and message I was trying to convey, but I needed to focus more on my main story. I only had the story take up about 1/3 of my story and the rest how it affected my life. When I revise, I will switch the ratios so that my essay properly fulfills the standards I have been given. I received a 44/50 on this paper.