psychodynamic processes of self portraiture:case study and applications

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Psychodynamic processes of self portraiture:

Case study and applications

by Doug Jennings

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Psychodynamic processes of self portraiture:

Case study and applications

by Doug Jennings

Between age 16 and 25, I drew numerous self portraits. Along with these drawings I

kept a diary sporadically during those years in an almost desperate struggle to make mean-

ing out of the conflicts in my life. Six years after the last self portrait sketch of that near

decade, I realize I have an intriguing visual record of my own perceptions of myself and

of my own inner development. Besides the HVWDEOLVKPHQWRIWKLVVLJQLÀFDQWUHFRUG,

I would propose that the exercise of self portraiture during my transition into young adult-

hood helped (2) gain a sense of participation and control in my developmental process

(this aspect of self portraiture could have therapeutic value). In addition it helped me (3)

LQLWLDWHDIÀUPDWLYHVHOIH[DPLQDWLRQDQGLQQHUGLDORJ . I believe it (4) heightened my

empathy for others as well as my powers of sensitivity. And, besides the above psycho-

logical benefits, the exercise of "self imaging" stretched and (5) enhanced my skills of

artistic observation.



My 1976-1985 self portraits sustain for me a life-stage record that is expressive

and visual, spanning, like a panorama, the significant passage of my transition from ado-

lescent to young adult . Each portrait is a symbol, a mile marker to which I can point and

remember that I am a creature of process and in process.

In analyzing this past experience, I was greatly aided by the book The Seasons of a

Man's Life by Daniel J. Levinson (Ballantine books, 1978) for providing information on

the developmental stages of adulthood. From that resource, I could more fully understand

the significance of the turmoil I was going through during the period that I recorded my

own image so frequently.

Levinson's research revealed that between the ages of 17 and 22 a man goes through

the Early Adult Transition. This is a transition between late childhood and early adulthood

during which one must separate himself from his parents and step into the adult world to

begin establishing a separate identity, and vocation among other elements of what Levinson

calls the life structure. (Levinson, pp. 72-78)

My self portraits began at age 16 and ended just before age 25 which easily overlaps

the Early Adult Transition phase and spills over into the more stable phase of building my



of his wife and only son. In his last self-imaging work, the viewer sees a man whose body

is bent by time and personal tragedy but whose spirit is neither crushed nor despairing. In

the glints of his shadowed eyes shine serenity and acceptance.

As I look back on my infinitely more meager record of self portraiture, I believe it

also tells a story. It is a story of introspection, observation, struggle and, finally, self-ac-

ceptance. But overall it is a record that is assuring in its continuity. Continuity is one of

the main reasons for recording anything. It connects one part of a story with another; the

beginning with the middle with the end.

I greatly enjoy looking at the continuity displayed in personal photo albums. Such

memory "reservoirs" illustrate the nature of one's connectedness with family, friends and

their own past. From my experience in recording my development, I have come to realize

that what I was ten years ago is different in many ways that what I am now. What I will

be ten years from now will be different still in ways I can hardly imagine. I am in process

and so are the people I meet everyday.

I've been married only two and a half years at the time of this writing. Yet I can

say that whatever measure of understanding I have gained of process and continuity in



first two months. My sister gave us a crib and we never used the bassinet. Then as now

our life was in process. But it is bringing up the record of those memories that we affirm

the continuity of our lives.

By now my wife and I understand certain differences we have in predisposition,

personality and perspective. I am more methodical, while Shahnaz is action oriented. She

either loves something or hates it while I weigh my good feelings against my bad feelings

and come to a more gradient opinion on a matter. Recounting all our differences would

not reveal, however, that since our lives have become woven together, we have been the

often unwitting tools God has used in the process of making one and the other more bal-

anced and complete.

It is that "thread" of God's involvement (whether or not it is obvious) in each life

that makes the remembering and recording of personal history vital as part of the legacy

we leave behind. If every life is a story, few people take the time to notice their story

unfolding behind them and revealing God's beautiful thread of love in the binding before

they come to the last page.

2WORK IN PROGRESS: The Ever-unfolding Process



I was convinced that in spite of my perceived faults (outward/inward), and confu-

sion, the portraits and diary entries would provide meaning someday as I looked back from

the wiser perspective of time.

It was almost as if my diary and self portrait entries was a way of putting bits of

my soul into spiritual cyrogenic hibernation to be revived when a "cure" could be found

for my transitional confusion and angst.

Beyond the immediate exhilaration of my own perceived involvement in my develop-

ment, my optimistic hope for a "cure" was based on my belief that God involved Himself

in my life through His loving Spirit. I felt (and continue to feel) that God has benevolent

intentions for my life. The proof of His love, in my mind, was in the giving of His Son

Jesus to receive the purging for the sin that has saddled all men and women since Eden.

Yet I began to realize that God's conforming my character into one like that of His Son is

not instantaneous but part of a process.

This sense of process has been important, I believe, in helping me to know who and

why I am. And I can be assured I am "connected" and therefore all the more accepting of

my past and my process of development. This "connectedness" with my own history or



disolvement that began to heal when I imagined the other person as one who, like me, is

merely at a recent stage of a process in which God is working to bring us both to "com-

pleteness". I became more tolerant of their flaws and more encouraging of their strengths

while obeying God's mandate to take a positive part in the process through prayer "for

one another".

At my job, while I yearn for advancement, I can also be patient at the pace God

opens the doors to my professional status. Knowing that I am in process motivates me to

anticipate the next step, while trying to learn the most from the stage upon which I cur-

rently strive.

As a young father, I nearly daily see my daughter also as in process. Now she is a

toddler barely able to speak or negotiate her little form around our home. But her essence

as a person is there –in a fluid, organic process that will, in fruition, one day bear an adult

with her own legacy to bequeath to her children and to the world. I feel a great sense of

non-deserved honor in being given the responsibility to act as God's helper in the develop-

ment of another human being in such an intimate way. But as I look at the continuity of

my life and the way that God has brought me to my current place, I feel confident that the



served as a kind of reassuring assessment.

My self-portraits and diary entries contributed to and enhanced an inner dialogue

that spiritually extended beyond the boundaries of my self and circumstances. Through

my self portraits I strove to assimilate my outer, visual, representation as a cathartic, if

sometimes subliminal means to confront deeper issues of identity and worth.

My first self-portrait, drawn at the age of 16, (see "Figure 1") was pencil sketched

in a hard-bound, pocket drawing book that I carried with me almost constantly.

Figure 1

My first self portrait, drawn at age 16.12/6/1976



hand to "self imagize", I would seek the desirable, "good" qualities to which others were

attracted. Whether or not I succeeded, my desire for mastery over my inner conflicts be-

came an exercise in confrontation with my self.

In Women's Way of Knowing (required reading for a college course I took on

Life Assessment), the term "voice" is used to describe ones "sense of mind, worth", ability

to perceive, know, respond toward, express and (implicitly) control aspects of one's life

(Belenky, p.18). I can look at some of my early self portraits and now see the marks of a

similar "silence" or "voicelessness."

During one of the bleakest periods in my struggle to come to grips with my true

source of worth, my feelings of "voicelessness" squelched even my ability to express my

turmoil. I felt that I had nothing worthwhile to say and anything that I would say would be

stupid. I feared situations that would oblige me to reveal my thoughts or opinions. I had

none that were of value, I felt.

Some of the self-portraits I wrought pointed me to question what was going on in

my perceptions. Why were the renderings so "critical", so "bitter"? Did I really look like

that? I was trying to draw what I saw yet what stared back at me from the page might as



Figure 2

This self portrait, drawn 2/26/79 hinted at

the inner turmoil beginning to take hold in

my life which would climax months later.

Figure 3

Feelings of worthlessness compelled me to cloudmy face with darkness in this self imaging sketch of

8/8/79.



confusion. In one drawing, my face was in almost total darkness. I drew a close-up view

at the bottom of the page and was horrified at the image that confronted me. The image

did not fit the conception I desired of myself. I dismissed the drawing as being done on an

"off day" but the unspeakable pressure of "wrongness" would not go away.

In trying to explain my abject feelings to my closest friend at that time, Mark, my

very words seemed as if they would surely strangle me. I remember feeling as if the corners

of my mouth were being wrenched downward by invisible hooks making me look (to my

mind's eye) like some sort of ridiculous miserable, wretched toad.

After Mark kindly and uncondescendingly listened he offered an insightful, sincere,

observation. It seemed to him that I revolved my life so much around the opinions, and

wishes of others that I was neglecting my own development. Effectually, in his opinion,

I was running on empty.

What I realize now is that my fear of rejection by my intimate friends (a disadvantage

of my unusually strong relationship orientation) was hindering me from setting personal

goals for myself. I had no purpose nor goals except those held by people for whom I cared

deeply.



of my understanding of Biblical truth) my conscious self who

wrote feelings, prayers and poems in my diary.

At the least, this exercise of self-reflection helped me

to develop a keener sense of the emotional forces competing

for attention inside me. Beyond the normal prompting and

convicting of sin in the life of His children, I believe that God, through his Holy Spirit,

has used that inner-dialogue-sharpened perception on at least one occasion to confront me

with some conflicting motivations.

When I was 24 I had been working for a youth outreach organization for six years.

Two years previously, I had moved with the main branch of the organization to the Chi-

cago area. I enjoyed my job as an artist and the excitement of a much more metropolitan

environment than my native Southern Illinois. Yet I began to chafe under the direction of

my director, Dan, who had been a strong mentor since high school. I became habitually

Figure 6

By Christmas of 1979, at 19 years of age, I was

beginning to rest my worth on the Biblical founda-tions of God's love for me. This sketch was made

12/23/79



Figure 7

This self-portrait, done 11/25/84, belies a muchmore (if not excessively so) confident state of mind

than the 12/23/79 sketch. I was questioning author-

ity and desiring to severe mentorship ties.

tied-down, oppressed feelings I had about Dan. I

suddenly understood that I was in passive rebellion

against someone by whom I felt weighed down.

Dan had paused his angry admonishment and was waiting for some lame excuse

from me about deadline pressure, a chronic hangnail or the like. Very calmly and dispas-

sionately, in the same tone of voice one might remark, "'nice weather we're having", I

said, "I resent you. I've found myself thinking, 'how long will I be chained to this guy'."

Al h h h d h h li h l h d i " l " hi h



little power.

My desire to produce images of myself (although I enjoyed drawing other people

as well) at one time worried me as I considered it might be a drive born of narcissism.

Nevertheless, I was determined that I would ride such drives through and confront my

image not with pathetic, infantile admiration or obsession but with analysis and dialogue.

Most of my self portraits are in the pages of my diaries. I would often draw a self portrait

with written commentaries relating my thoughts and feelings at the time. I was sometimes

embarrassingly revealing and brutal in my honesty.

My final significant period of self-portrait activity took place in May of 1985 (see

trio of self portraits in "Figure 8a-c). My diary and sketches record that I was dealing

with a variety of comprehensive identity problems which touched upon independence,

spirituality, sexuality, self-acceptance and even mortality. I had ignored or had left un-

finished several aspects of these issues up to that point. At the end of the struggle, I had

made important strides in accepting who I was under God's grace, trusting Him to supply

whatever changes He willed as I entrusted my life to Him. Whatever therapeutic purpose

my self-portraits served up to that point during the previous nine years during my adoles-



Unfortunately, the introspection of self-portraiture does not always record nor help

produce a triumphant "coming to terms". Vincent Van Gogh's sad life is the most well-known

example. Thought by modern scholars to have been suffering from a cerebral chemical

imbalance which induced severe bouts of manic depression, Van Gogh, with his many self-

portraits, chronicled his own slide into a dejected state which climaxed in suicide.

Figure 8 a, b, cThese self-portraits, done in May of 1985 represent for me a time when I was mourning the loss of my youth (childhood/ adolescence) and grappeling with who I was as a child of God. By the time I sketched drawing "c" on the far right, I felt

I had come to terms with those issues.



of engineering a self portrait. Photography can be used creatively in this way. Poetry and

music can also be utilized as well as collage and other art forms.

The basic idea would be to provide a creative initiative response on the part of the

individual to confront their life issues in a non-direct creatively satisfying, fun way, i.e.

art, music and other recreational therapy. In the process, they will have produced some-

thing··some work which they may call there own. On a smaller, but not insignificant,

scale, this might engender some of the positive feelings of competency and accomplishment

that is a shadow of the feelings of competency some women gain through child bearing.

Self-portraiture is by no means a magic pill to cure low self esteem. It is an alterna-

tive avenue of life assessment. It is an optional strategy to be used in the existing repertoire

of techniques. Used in tandem with sound Biblical counsel, it may serve to enhance the

process of development as well as produce a satisfying and interesting record of God's

work in one's life.

It's possible, in my case I think, that somehow my strong relationship orientation

tends to seek, infer, assume or desire connection with nearly everything around me including

my self and the image of myself. So, a natural object of my artistic bent would be to draw



I nearly "fall in love" with my subject.

I see at once similarities to me, and fascinating exciting variations. I see my subjects

as I might see my mother, my son, my sister, my grandparent ––I ponder a multitude of

relational bearings. If they're old, I try to imagine them in young adulthood, then childhood,

then old again. What kind of father or mother are they? What kind of son or brother? If

they're young I wonder what they will be like as grand parents. I ponder the freshness of

their faces·the tragic irony of their temporal youthful rosiness.

To capture a person's likeness at times feels almost like a desperation and obsession.

Understanding them and feeling what they feel seems to promise a clue to the winning

technique. I ask them questions about family, job, hopes, dreams. I think, when compul-

sion is acute, there is a danger to lapse into a sort of "psychic vampirism" which feeds on

the psycho-emotional blood of my subjects. Most often, however, I feel like type of dentist

who is allowed to look into my subject's face as a trusted professional just doing his job.

Sometimes my empathy would not necessarily be conscious. Once I drew a young

lady who would occasionally have migraine headaches. I did not know her well enough

to become familiar with the outward signs of when she was suffering from head pain, and



of a friend who was not ready to share it. The rebuff was excruciating and embarrassing

made more so by the fact that we both were stuck together on a cross-country trip.

I have also been unwise in the past by getting people hooked on my "emotional

morphine". Such relationships ended in hurt on both sides because of my finite ability to

ultimately give a provision for the basic needs that only Christ can deliver. I've learned

that sometimes, to buffer a person's pain caused by his or her own mistakes can prolong

that individual's failure to deal with basic problems. Although I cannot meet a persons

basic needs, I can point them to the One Who is able. By His Grace, I might also provide

needed relief and refreshment during hard times for those who just need a listening, un-

derstanding ear and prayer.

5 ART PRACTICE: Foundation for Livelihood

A final (though not to be underestimated) value of my self portraits is that they

aided my powers of observation and artistic skill. I was my own most reliable model who

worked for nothing (see "Figure 9"). I've been my own model for King Arthur, David the

Psalmist, Gandalf the Magician and others (I've developed somewhat of an elastic face to

model expressions of various sorts)



I see is perhaps the most used of my learned skills from those days.

My self-portraits helped me learn to observe detail, distinguish and discriminate

spatial relationships, discriminate between shades and contours. They required the neces-

sary discipline for an artist. Acute perception is important in my work as a graphic artist. I

have found it not so difficult now to draw with a computer. It is a tool that has the ability to

take detail and proficiency to a much higher degree than is practical by most conventional

art methods. I drew a "boom box stereo" on the computer a few months ago that took me

much less time to produce than if I had I used airbrush, ink, t-square or triangle.

The draftsmanship I developed in the years of drawing self-portraits and sketches

of other people has been of benefit to me in my craft. Nothing beats practice, not even

talent, I have learned.

CONCLUSION

I have examined my learning outcomes from the years during which I regularly

engaged in self-portraiture and recording my feelings in a diary. The record that resulted

in itself is a valuable reservoir of memories, and no small legacy of life history during a

particularly significant developmental transition from childhood to young adulthood. I



for empathy. Although initially satisfying, empathy given without discretion can lead to

frustration and forstay the meeting of real needs which only God can provide through

Jesus Christ.

I also relayed the enhancement of my practical draftsmanship skill as an artist which

helps to provide my livelihood. The benefit of practice was briefly stated.

I believe that I am yet seeing positive fruit from the years that I had the luxury to

write my contemplations and also visually record myself during my passage into young

adulthood.



BIBLIOGRAPY

Levinson, Daniel J., The Seasons of a Man's Life, 1978, Ballantine books, New York.

Belenky, Mary Field, Women's Ways of Knowing, 1986, Basic Books, USA

Greenspan, Stanley I., The Course of Life, 1991, International Universities Press, Inc., Connecti-

cut.

Appendix A



Appendix ASelf Portrait Samples from a period between 1976-1985

late19781977 1977b (a 4.5-inch

clay sculpture)

1982 (detail of

1978

(oil pastel on

matboard)



Appendix BPortrait Samples

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