Sallie borrinkDiscovering and Doing What Works

Parenting Your Differently-Wired

Child7 Strategies for Overwhelmed Parents

Sallie Borrink

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Parenting Your Differently-Wired

Child7 Strategies for Overwhelmed Parents

Sallie BorrinkWriter and Creator at SallieBorrink.com

7 Tips for Overwhelmed Parents: Effectively Parenting Your Differently-Wired Child

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Copyright © 2014, 2017 by Sallie Schaaf Borrink. All rights reserved worldwide.

First Edition – Revised 2017

Published by Sallie Borrink341 Glen Arbor Dr. NE, Rockford, MI 49341SallieBorrink.com

Design and Layout by David Borrink, DavidandSallie.com

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with others, please direct them to SallieBorrink.com where they can download their own free copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

No part of this publication may otherwise be published, reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted or copied in any form or by any means now known or hereafter developed, whether electronic, mechanical, or otherwise, without prior written permission of the publisher. Illegal use, copying, publication, transfer or distribution is considered copyright infringement according to Sections 107 and 108 and other relevant portions of the United States Copyright Act.

DISCLAIMER: I am a parent. I am not a parenting expert, doctor, psychologist, or other medical or mental health professional. Please use discretion when parenting your individual chlid and seek professional assistance as needed.

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7 Tips for Overwhelmed Parents: Effectively Parenting Your Differently-Wired Child

Dedication

To David, my husband and best friend. Our parenting journey has been an adventure. I can’t imagine doing this with anyone else. Thank you for being the daddy our little girl needs.

To Caroline, my long anticipated answer to prayer. I’m so thankful for the delightful and unique girl you are.

To my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. Thank you for entrusting me with this child. Thank you for rocking my world and making me a more compassionate person as a result of my parenting journey.

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Table of Contents

Do You Feel Overwhelmed?. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1

The Differently-Wired Child . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 3

Strategy #1: Recognize Your Child is a Person . . . . . . . . . . 6

Strategy #2: Keep the End Goal in Mind . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 8

Strategy #3: Think Win-Win . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 10

Strategy #4: Pick Your Battles . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 12

Strategy #5: Use the Electronic Babysitter . . . . . . . . . . . . . 14

Strategy #6: Ask for Help in Real Life. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 16

Strategy #7: Find Support Online . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 18

One Bonus Tip – The Power of Prayer . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 20

Where Do You Go From Here? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 22

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7 Tips for Overwhelmed Parents: Effectively Parenting Your Differently-Wired Child

Do You Feel Overwhelmed?

Do you love your child, but feel constantly overwhelmed by her needs and quirks?

Are you surprised by how difficult it is to parent your child, even though you knew that parenting would require a significant amount of work and energy?

Has parenting left you a little shell-shocked?

If you have a differently-wired child, your life is more challenging. In fact, I am almost certain it feels completely overwhelming at times.

It isn’t your imagination. It isn’t that you are lazy or a bad parent. Children who are wired differently naturally demand more of their parents.

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More time.

More energy.

More creativity.

More problem solving.

These children can be incredibly intense! They are emotionally, physically, and mentally draining. So if you are feeling tired and overwhelmed at times, it is perfectly normal. I would be surprised if you weren’t!

In this book we’re going to look at seven strategies for parenting a differently-wired child. I hope you will find information and ideas that will help you on your parenting journey. But before we do that, I want to mention that there are lots of links in this ebook that go to related posts and pages on my website. I suggest reading the entire ebook first to get the big picture. Then go back to take the links that apply to your situation.

Read More• Embracing the Journey of Parenting a 2e Child

• Creating Your Family’s Homeschool Atmosphere

• The Loneliness of Homeschooling a Gifted Child

• Does Homeschooling Devalue Women?

• Living Simply with a Gifted Child

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7 Tips for Overwhelmed Parents: Effectively Parenting Your Differently-Wired Child

The Differently-Wired Child

So what makes a child a differently-wired child? I think they can fall into a number of categories.

High-Need BabyHighly-SensitiveSpiritedGifted or Twice-Exceptional Right-Brained

These are children who are very normal, but also out of the norm. There is often overlap amongst these categories. Your child may be just one of the above or all five. The more different-ness your child has, the more effort it will take on your part to find ways to parent effectively.

ME

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Generally speaking, these kinds of kids require more work by the parent.

It takes more energy to keep up with them.

More brain power to stay a step ahead of them.

More strategizing to live peacefully with them.

How do I know this? I know because this has been my experience for the past several years. My daughter fits all five of those categories above. Each aspect has been a learning experience.

An intense learning experience!

If you are feeling overwhelmed as the parent of a child like this, I’d like to give you seven tips that will hopefully help you refocus and move forward in a positive way.

I’m not offering these tips in a vacuum. I’ve lived every single one of them. My husband and I have spent the past eight years trying to make sense of this child who is so wonderfully healthy and normal and yet nearly drove us nuts at times trying to understand her!

Traditional parenting advice didn’t work. For a long time we wondered why we couldn’t parent effectively. Then we realized that parenting our child meant making some significantly different choices than what parents around us were doing.

I believe if you will consistently focus on making adjustments in these areas, I think you will likely see a positive change in the weeks ahead.

Please remember that I’m still on my parenting journey and I’m not a parenting expert. You need to weigh the ideas I’m sharing with the realities of your own family. Use what works for you and ignore what doesn’t. But I can honestly say that once we understood some key issues like those that follow, parenting became so much easier and enjoyable!

So let’s jump in!

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7 Tips for Overwhelmed Parents: Effectively Parenting Your Differently-Wired Child

Read More• Daily Life and Priorities in a Creative Family

• 6 Ways Having a Gifted Child Changed My Life

• Raising a Spirited Child and Feeling Like a Bad Mother

• Nature Study Ideas for People Who Prefer to Stay Indoors

• The Ultimate Guide to Homeschooling a Right-Brained Child

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Strategy #1: Recognize Your Child is a Person

You might be thinking that this is too obvious to mention, but it’s not. Some people really don’t think of their child as an individual with strong preferences, needs, and ideas from the moment she enters the world.

I can see now that my daughter’s personality came through loud and clear while she was in the womb! Her persistence. Oh my! If I tried to go to sleep on my left side, she would kick relentlessly until I moved. I NEVER won the battle. She would not let up until I moved.

So it comes as no surprise that she is one of the most persistent little people I have ever met. (It fits with the spiritedness!)

Your child is a unique individual. Your job as a parent isn’t to make her what you want her to be. She is who she is. You are the one who has to rethink the situation.

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7 Tips for Overwhelmed Parents: Effectively Parenting Your Differently-Wired Child

Should we try to shape her character? Of course!

Should we expect respect? Of course!

Should we instruct her in the faith? Of course!

But I believe that my child was created for God’s purposes and my job is to help her become fully who He created her to be. She is not a mini-me. And she is not someone I get to make into the kind of daughter I think I want or have always dreamed of having.

I had to adjust my expectations in many ways as I discovered who my child was. And you may need to do the same thing.

Read More• Gifted Children Don’t Know Life Any Other Way

• Daily Life and Priorities in a Creative Family

• Trusting Your Instincts When No One Understands

• How We Ended Up (Almost) Unschoolers

• The Reality of Holiday Overwhelm for Highly Sensitive Children

• Age Disequilibrium and Homeschooling Stress

• Personality Types and Homeschooling Stress

• The Joys of a Gifted Child

• Getting Spirited Children to Sleep and Related Challenges

• Gifted Children Who Don’t Fit Grade Level Parameters

• 6 Reasons Why We Changed Our Mind and Stopped Spanking

• Raising and Embracing Your Spirited Child

• Choosing a Homeschool Approach – Understand Your Child First!

• Discovering Your Child is Gifted – Does it matter?

• Must Have Items for Homeschooling a Creative Girl

• Why I Homeschool in the Afternoon and Not the Morning

• Teaching Our Spirited, Active Child to Read

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Strategy #2: Keep the End Goal in Mind

What kind of child are you trying to raise?

When you think of your child as an adult, what are your hopes for her?

When you are in the middle of another day with a screaming baby or a demanding toddler or a needy preschooler, it can be hard to keep in mind what you are trying to accomplish in the long run.

But that is what got me through. I had to look for the positive side of each struggle.

That spirited child whose persistence is exhaustingly relentless will grow up to be an adult who is tenacious in her beliefs and convictions.

That right-brained child whose creativity is a constant distraction from staying on task will one day grow up to use that creativity in meaningful ways.

That highly-sensitive child whose emotions can require some strategic navigating will one day use those finely-tuned emotions in profound ways to help others.

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7 Tips for Overwhelmed Parents: Effectively Parenting Your Differently-Wired Child

That gifted child who drives you nuts with the constant questions and crazy outside-of-the-box thinking is going to use that same great mind to give back to the world someday.

You must keep the end goal in mind. How are these personality traits that make life so challenging right now going to be useful in the years ahead when your child becomes an adult?

Choose to see those tough-to-handle traits as gifts that will serve your child well as an adult and not something to resent or try to change unnecessarily.

Read More• The Best Homeschooling Curriculum and Only Method You Should Choose

• 4 Things Every New Homeschooler Needs to Know

• Discipling Children in Christ Outside the Box

• Feeling Inadequate and Homeschooling Stress

• Occupational Therapy for Dysgraphia or Writing Problems

• The Day I Called the Public Elementary School – When Homeschooling is Hard

• 100 Reasons to Homeschool Your Gifted Daughter

• From Chaos to Computer Science – Homeschooling a Very ADHD Son

• Relaxed Homeschooling Curriculum for a Creative Gifted Child

• Homeschool Curriculum for a Right-brained, Spirited Child

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Strategy #3: Think Win-Win

Thinking win-win boils down to one thing – perspective.

If you try to parent these kinds of kids in a highly-controlling, authoritarian kind of way, you are in for years of conflict and strife.

If you view every pushback by your child as an blatant assault on your authority, you are in for a lot of anger and resentment on both sides.

If you see your child’s natural and impulsive curiosity as an affront to your parental role, you will struggle to have a happy relationship with your child.

If you see every spontaneous burst of activity or joy as an attempt to push the boundaries and disobey you, you will fail to enjoy your child for who she is.

These children truly do need to be handled differently.

I’m not saying to let her run wild.

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7 Tips for Overwhelmed Parents: Effectively Parenting Your Differently-Wired Child

I’m not saying that she should run the home.

I’m not saying you should let her be disrespectful.

You are the parent. She is the child.

But that may need to look a little (or a lot) different than you might have expected.

One of the biggest adjustments we made to our thinking was focusing on win-win. How do we honor the reality of how God has wired her with the reality of our responsibility as her parents?

How do we maintain our position as her parents and also recognize her very real feelings, opinions, and preferences?

Once we started to make this adjustment, a lot of other realities fell into place.

Read More• Negotiating With My Child – The Why and How

• Embracing the Journey of Parenting a 2e Child

• Why We Decided to Stop Eating Together as a Family

• Creating a Mom-Friendly Homeschool

• Gifted Children and Transitions

• Identifying and Understanding the Red Zone with Your Spirited Child

• The Need for More Margin in Families with Gifted Children

• Preparing Your Homeschool Substitute Teacher Plans and Bin

• How We Ended Up Relaxed Homeschoolers and What It Looks Like

• Listening to What Your Child is Really Saying

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Strategy #4: Pick Your Battles

One of those realities is that we had to pick our battles. I often ask myself, “Is this a hill I’m willing to die on?”

In other words, is this really a battle worth fighting?

A battle with your child over preferences is often not worth it. And, yes, little ones can have very strong preferences and want to assert their individuality. And it is okay.

Somehow we have developed this idea in our culture that children aren’t allowed to have individual preferences and, if they do, we need to squash that individuality out of them as much as possible. Even young children have strong preferences and we can have a lot more peace in our lives if we accept that reality.

I have learned to save the hill dying for really important things such as truth and safety issues.

Again, if your mindset is one of your preference always being correct and taking precedence over that of your child, you are going to have some very hard days ahead of you.

One thing we learned related to picking our battles wisely was to be slow to give an answer so we can consider why we are saying no.

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7 Tips for Overwhelmed Parents: Effectively Parenting Your Differently-Wired Child

Are we saying no because we’re irritated?

Are we saying no because it isn’t what we want?

Or are we saying no because it truly is the best answer for everyone involved?

If you are quick to automatically say no, then you put yourself in a lose-lose situation far too often. If you quickly say no and then reconsider, you do lose a bit of the authority you have as a parent. And if you say no and are unwilling to change your answer even though you realize you should, you damage your relationship with your child as she will see that you are being unfair.

We made a point of trying not to automatically respond with an unthinking no. And, believe me, when you have a highly persistent child it is very easy to become frustrated by the endless barrage of requests and the pushback that comes. But it is worth the effort for how it will enrich the relationship.

Pick your battles very carefully.

Read More• Giftedness and Family Relationships

• Sunk Cost Mistakes in Parenting, Homeschooling, and Life

• The Real Phases of the Homeschool Year

• When You’re a Neat Freak and Your Child Isn’t

• Why I Don’t Micromanage My Picky Eater

• Hibernation Homeschooling

• Saying “No” to Holiday Pressures

• Adjusting Expectations as the Parent of a Gifted Child

• How a Homeschooled Dreamer Does Preschool Math

• Three and a Half Year Old Drama (and a Child Who Doesn’t Want To Go To Church)

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Strategy #5: Use the Electronic Babysitter

Yes, use the electronic babysitter.

Unless people have a differently-wired child, they have no idea how draining the intensity can be.

If you need an hour for your own sanity, put in a good DVD and let your child enjoy it.

And don’t feel guilty!

If you are there for your child all the time, using an electronic babysitter for a short amount of time is not going to ruin her.

We would not have made it through the six years from age two to eight without electronic babysitters. I know some people will think I am being overly dramatic, but it’s the truth.

We didn’t allow our daughter to watch screens until she was almost two. I was committed to keeping her away from electronics until two because I did believe it was important developmentally. But once she was past that point, we did start using the electronic babysitter.

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7 Tips for Overwhelmed Parents: Effectively Parenting Your Differently-Wired Child

It was either that or my sanity. Truly.

I admit there have been stretches where she has used the DVDs, computer, and Kindle more than I ever thought I would allow my child to do so.

But I can’t be a good parent if I don’t get a break from my intense child. And this is one way as an introvert I can get an hour (or two) to collect my sanity.

It could work for you as well.

Park the child in front of something worthwhile with a snack and don’t feel guilty!

Read More• Hibernation Homeschooling

• Our Family’s Experience with Minecraft

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Strategy #6: Ask for Help in Real Life

If you have an intense child who is wired differently, you need a break.

Not want a break.

Need a break.

If you can ask for help from people in real life, do it. If I wish one thing had been substantially different in our life, this is it.

We did not have a strong local network. We had changed churches when I was pregnant and didn’t really know anyone in our new church. We didn’t have close family nearby. Even my good friends that I would have completely trusted with my baby lived too far away to help.

We could have benefitted so much from hands-on help, especially the first year.

If you have people in your life who will help, ask for help!

Ask them to hold your baby so you can take a shower or a nap. Ask a friend to babysit so you can go to the store alone.Ask if you can drop your child off for a playdate for an hour or two. Swap with the friend

the next week.Get involved in a mom’s class or Bible study that has childcare.

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7 Tips for Overwhelmed Parents: Effectively Parenting Your Differently-Wired Child

One of the ways we started to get help when Caroline was around two years old was hiring babysitters to come to our home while we worked. (We still do this!) Because Caroline was high-need, we couldn’t leave her with anyone other than my parents the first year and even then we couldn’t leave her anywhere but our home. (She wouldn’t stay with anyone else.) But my parents don’t live nearby so our opportunities to get their help were very spread out. After we somehow survived the first two years, our best option was a babysitter who would play with Caroline while we worked.

Whatever your situation, ask for help.

You need a break.

Read More• Choose Your Five People Carefully

• Trusting Your Instincts When No One Understands

• Homeschooling an Introvert

• Parenting and Homeschooling as an Introvert

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Strategy #7: Find Support Online

Almost as important as finding help in real life was finding support online. In some ways this was even more important because it was available whenever I needed it. It was also targeted to whatever specific need I had. This was imprtant because people in real life don’t always understand your child’s unique quirks. My mom is a saint and she said she’d never seen a baby like Caroline who just needed and demanded so much attention all the time.

I scoured the internet for websites, blogs, and forums. I would search for whatever issue we were facing and try to find other people who were dealing with the same issue. Reading the advice and insights provided by others was critical to sorting out our own situations, especially when people in real life minimized our struggles.

It made our life seem not quite so overwhelming to know we weren’t alone and that other people were struggling with similar issues.

It was reassuring to know it wasn’t us. It was the fact that we were blessed with a differently-wired child.

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7 Tips for Overwhelmed Parents: Effectively Parenting Your Differently-Wired Child

If you can find a small tribe of people in a similar situation, it is worth its weight in gold.

Honestly, the needs that I had are what caused me to create the website I have now. I want people to find support at Sallie Borrink! My focus on “Discovering and Doing What Works” is intentional and I hope you will always feel welcome to participate in our discussions.

Read More• Choose Your Five People Carefully

• 3 Easy Ways to Tear Down a Fellow Homeschool Mom

• Saying “No” to Unhealthy Relationships

7 Tips for Overwhelmed Parents: Effectively Parenting Your Differently-Wired Child

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One Bonus Tip – The Power of Prayer

I’m a Christian and so I believe in the power of prayer. Because I am God’s child, I believe that He deeply desires to help me. My husband and I have spent a lot of time in prayer regarding how to raise our daughter. Sometimes they were the desperate pleas of two people who were completely exhausted, overwhelmed, and discouraged.

God answered those prayers time and time again.

He led me to people.

He led me to books.

He led me to websites.

He led me to blog posts.

Over and over again, He helped me find the information I needed.

I truly believe God cares about our children and He will help those who know Jesus find the answers they need.

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7 Tips for Overwhelmed Parents: Effectively Parenting Your Differently-Wired Child

The Holy Spirit will provide wisdom, clarity, and guidance.

All we have to do is ask Him.

Read More• Raising Gifted Children in the Christian Faith

• Thinking about Gifted/2e from a Christian Perspective

• Disciplining Gifted and 2e Children in the Christian Faith

• Gifted and 2e Children at Church

• Gifted and 2e Children Asking Hard Spiritual Questions

• Discipling Children in Christ Outside the Box

• When Attending Church is Painful – Highly Sensitive Children and Adults

7 Tips for Overwhelmed Parents: Effectively Parenting Your Differently-Wired Child

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Where Do You Go From Here?

I hope you found some nuggets that will help you as you move forward. My suggestion is to pick one tip that especially jumped out at you and start to put those ideas into action. Then when you are ready to try something else, pick another tip. It will take effort, but I do believe you will see positive results over time.

I could only put a fraction of what I’ve learned in this ebook. My website is full of helpful information and it continues to grow every day. I hope you will stop by often and contribute to the discussions. Feel free to ask questions or share the breakthrough you’ve made! I’ll be there to cheer you on!

Depending on where you are in your parenting journey and your child’s age, I would suggest checking out these pages and posts on my website.

• High Need Babies

• Spirited Children

• Highly-Sensitive Children

• Right Brained Learners

• Gifted and 2e Children

• Twice-Exceptional Children

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7 Tips for Overwhelmed Parents: Effectively Parenting Your Differently-Wired Child

• Children Who Learn Differently Series

• Personality Types and Parenting

• Only Child

• Homeschooling

• 10 Days of Homeschool Encouragement

• Raising Gifted Children in the Christian Faith