pain by the authors of pain - super collider...
TRANSCRIPT
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Copyright © 2016 by Akam and Rezar. Published by Super Collider Press. No portion of this book may be reproduced in any form, print or electronic without prior written consent from the authors and Super Collider Press.
First Edition Paperback: 2016
Authors of Pain © 2016 World Wrestling Entertainment. Used with(out) permission.
All trademarks and copyrights contained in this work are owned by their respective trademark and copyright holders.
All characters, character names and photographs are the copyrighted and trademarked materials of the respective companies that created them. Super Collider Press, Akam, Rezar, and any other individual or organization involved in the production of this book are not affiliated in any way with any of the organizations that are mentioned herein.
Cover Illustration: Alex Hoffman
ISBN:
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Table of Contents
I Cry When Daddy Calls Me Hawk ............................. 9
Allen Ginsberg’s “Howl” by The Authors of Pain ..... 11
Authors of Pain. Co-Authors In Life .......................... 14
Akam's Rezar .............................................................. 16
Virginia Woolf Had a Great Finisher ......................... 18
Red Thighs .................................................................. 19
Big Trophy By Rezar .................................................. 20
Haiku From The Road By Rezar ............................... 22
WWE Crash Cage Playset .......................................... 25
My Vest Has Many Pockets ........................................ 27
Channeling My Inner Conflict By Rezar (with input from Akam) ................................................................ 28
A Poem Featuring Rick Bognar for Some Reason .... 32
A Slam Poem .............................................................. 34
A Haiku about Haku .................................................. 36
Paiyne .......................................................................... 37
American Omega ........................................................ 38
Missing Piece Of The Puzzle ..................................... 40
Break Legs & Slam ..................................................... 41
Not What They Seem ................................................ 43
4
Shall I Compare Thee To A Summer’s Pain? ........... 45
Diary Entry .................................................................. 47
An Ode to Ellering ..................................................... 49
Palindrome Advice ..................................................... 51
PAIN (The End) ......................................................... 52
The Best Of The Last ................................................ 53
The Last Chapter ........................................................ 55
Acknowledgements ..................................................... 56
About The Authors .................................................... 58
Pain
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Foreword:
As a professional wrestling manager, I’ve toured the world with some of the greatest teams to ever step foot inside the squared circle, but few people know of my true passion, discovering and fostering strong literary talent. You won’t find stronger writers than Akam and Rezar. My Authors of Pain.
I remember when I discovered them as clear as yesterday. It was the Summer of 2015. The Steiner Brothers, The Dudley Boys, Heidenreich and I had just finished our pre-show writer’s circle. Just as Scott Steiner finished sharing his thoughts on Shakespeare’s lesser works, two of the largest men I’d ever seen entered the locker room. I assumed, with their shaved bald heads and black tank tops, they were sent by my rival Jim Cornette to rough me up, but that was not the case. They were there because they wanted to read us their poetry. The following minutes were filled with an impassioned poetic performance of what ended up being an early version of their seminal work “My Vest Has Many Pockets,” which is included in this collection.
From the first meaningful words that came out of their massive mouths, I knew that I would become their manager and with their size, obvious wit and with my guidance, they could become a literary and
Akam & Rezar
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professional wrestling force not seen since The Road Warriors’ wrote the first draft of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone.
It is with great pride that I present to you, the Book of Pain, by The Authors of Pain.
- Paul Ellering
Pain
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I Cry When Daddy Calls Me Hawk
I cried today
Daddy called me Hawk
My brother cried today
Daddy called him Animal
Does he know us? Does he know us?
I cried today
Daddy said “OOOOOOOOOOHHH WHAT A RUSH!”
My brother cried today
Daddy said “Welllll…”
But you know, like how Hawk used to say it
Does he know us? Does he know us?
From over the mantle the Road Warriors stare at us
From the refrigerator the Legion of Doom mocks us
Daddy says “One day you’ll be champions like them”
One day? One day?
Does he know us? Does he know us?
I cried today
Rezar cried today
We cried today
We will always be second best
Does he know us? Does he love us?
Pain
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Allen Ginsberg’s “Howl” by The Authors of Pain
We saw the best gimmicks of our generation, destroyed by callups,
starving, hysterical
dragging themselves through the third hour of Raw looking for a crowd reaction,
solid workers burning for the ancient heavenly
connection to the people that they had in Full Sail;
your Bayleys, your Bankses, your Kalistos, your Zaynes, your American Alphas and Apollo Crewses,
guys who got over on their own,
who bared their bodies on Takeovers only to be brought up
to get lost in the shuffle on SmackDown or worse, Main Event, or
do pointless jobs between the purple ropes of 205 Live
What sphinx with balls the size of grapefruits brought them up to the main roster and ate up their catchphrases and imagination?
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Vince! Stephanie! Filth! Ugliness! Ashcans and unobtainable Network subscriptions! Children screaming “Let’s go Roman/Roman sucks!”
Vince! Vince! Nightmare of Vince! Vince the
loveless! Mental Vince! Vince the heavy
judger of men! Vince who doesn’t believe in managers anymore, even though we got over with one!
Paul Ellering! The Authors of Pain are with you at the Performance Center
We are with you in Toronto
When we won the Dusty Tag Classic
and you were suspended above the ring in a shark cage
where you must have felt very strange
since you are a man and not a shark
We are with you in Chicago
where we won our ladder match
that was really good, better than anyone expected
It wasn’t as good as a Young Bucks match but those guys are on a completely different level than anyone else
We are with you when we got brought up to the main roster
where you will cut our promos
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and we will feud with the Hardys or Cesaro and Sheamus maybe? We could work well with them
Paul Ellering, we are with you at Mania
unless they break us up as a team after three months of start and stop pushes
and we’re just some random guys in the Andre the Giant Battle Royal at Mania 34
Fuck, that’s what’s gonna happen, isn’t it?
Akam & Rezar
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Authors of Pain. Co-Authors In Life
When you’re beaten and weary and don’t know where to go
Tag your partner
When gold is on the line
Tag your partner
When a cloudy day gets you down
Tag your partner
When Paul Ellering confused you for the Legion of Doom
Cry. Then tag your partner
When a jabroni tests your mettle
Tag your partner
When your favorite show makes you sad
Tag your partner
When you can’t find your keys
Tag your partner
When you feel a nice summer breeze
Tag your partner
When you just can’t even
Tag your partner
When you miss your friend Stephen
Pain
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Tag your partner
When the world beats you down
Tag your partner
When the squared circle proves unforgiving
Tag your partner
When you don’t know what to do next
Tag your partner
And all will be okay
But don’t forget to hold the tag rope
Akam & Rezar
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Akam's Rezar
We are Akam and Rezar, the Authors of Pain,
Which leads to the question: what's in a name?
To answer this riddle, we think you will find
It helps to examine some habits of mind.
The names Akam and Rezar may ring a bell,
To those who have studied philosophy well.
The term "Occam's Razor" is a good rule of thought:
"Simplicity is good, complexity's not."
The brain is a weird and peculiar thing,
From which a lot of ideas can spring.
But all things considered, it pays to recall,
That the best ideas are not knotty at all.
In technical terms it's the "law of parsimony,"
A heuristic tool for logical harmony.
But such big words seem overly complex
For guys like us, who slam and suplex.
Named for William of Occam, a logician of note,
The razor helps thinkers keep true thoughts afloat.
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When faced with two options: one simple, one fraught,
Occam's Razor suggests that the former be thought.
Why's the sky blue? Who truly screwed Bret?
Why are we with Paul and not Jim Cornette?
Apply Occam's Razor when seeking such truth
And a sufficient answer you surely will sleuth.
Vince screwed Bret, it wasn't a work;
We're paired with Ellering 'cause Cornette's a jerk.
Why's the sky blue? We haven't a clue,
But a straightforward answer is probably true.
We're Akam and Razor, The Authors of Pain,
And now you can see what's in a name.
One question remains, but the answer's uncertain:
When we will move up from jerking the curtain?
Akam & Rezar
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Virginia Woolf Had a Great Finisher
Virginia Woolf had a great finisher
Finishers can make you
Finishers can break you
Finishers can make you eat cake
Because, bro, you needs carbs
If I'm ever sad about my finisher
Like, "Is the crowd still going for this?"
I think about Virginia Woolf
And how she killed herself by putting rocks in her pockets and walking into the River Ouse
slow and deliberate, unimaginable
she had a great finisher
The most brutal I can conceive
So I guess death is always an option
If I fail as a wrestler
Jk I'm gonna live forever
Jk jk jk jk jk #coorsbanquet
Pain
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Red Thighs
DIY, Oh DIY
Why Do You Slap Your Legs All The Time?
When You Walk Down The Aisle, And Enter The Ring
From Start To Finish, And Every Little Thing.
Did A Bug Bite You? Or Is An Itch Right There?
Your Leg Falling Asleep? Or Is It An Ingrown Hair?
You Look Silly In Your Little Dick Tights
Showing No Real Emotion In Any Of Your Fights
But Rest Assured When You Go For A Springboard Spear
I Can Hear The Slap Echoing In My Ears
We Defeat You Every Time For The Belts
But Are You Limping From Us Or Your Self Inflicted Leg Welts?
Psycho Killer, Johnny Wrestling How You Hurt Our Brains
For This Simple Question Drives Us Insane
We Have The Straps Of Gold But You Have Your Red Thighs
The Very Same Color Of Our Tear Drained Eyes
.
Akam & Rezar
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Big Trophy By Rezar
One, two, three, pin!
One step closer.
One, two, three, pin!
Another step closer.
One, two, three, pin!
Just one more step to go.
One, two, three, pin!
Gimme that Big Trophy!
Big Trophy! Big Trophy!
So tall and shiny!
Big Trophy! Big Trophy!
You light up my life!
Big Trophy! Big Trophy!
I dream about holding you.
From the smaller trophy on top
Down to your boots and plaque
Big Trophy! You are big boots to fill
Big Trophy boots, Dusty’s boots
Can I wear these boots?
Can. I. Wear. These. Boots?
Pain
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CAN.
I.
WEAR.
THESE.
BOOTS?
No, they are chrome dipped, injection molded polycarbonate
They will not bend
They will not fit my feet
I cannot wear the Big Trophy’s boots
Big Trophy! Big Trophy!
Apple of my eye!
Big Trophy! Big Trophy!
Not a day goes by that I don’t wake up screaming:
BIG TROPHY! BIG TROPHY!
Akam & Rezar
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Haiku From The Road By Rezar Southeast Loop April 13th - 19th, 2017
Orlando, FL to Concord, NC - 552 miles
Paul is driving first
Rental with broken windows
Akam had Arby’s
Speed limit only
Akam farts, Paul is laughing
LinkedIn while I cry
Stop in Savannah
Stop car, air out Cadillac
Why Arby’s, Akam?
Now I drive the car
Paul and Akam want Arby’s
We drive in silence
Pain
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Concord, NC to Spartanburg, SC - 97 miles
Yes! New rental car
I forgive Paul and Akam
Golden Corral time!
Why eat cheese, Akam?
Paul encourage behavior
Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?
Spartanburg, SC to Atlanta, GA - 180 miles
New rule: No lactose
Rezar pick sushi buffet
Rezar eat healthy
Rezar make mistake
Imodium not act fast
Oh, cruel karma
Sears for three new pants
Pay Enterprise cleaning fee
Paul and Akam laugh
Atlanta, GA to Orlando, FL - 439 miles
Pain
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WWE Crash Cage Playset
Thrash,
Bash,
Smash,
Crash.
Crash? No, cash. Cold, hard cash to be spent on toys.
LJN,
Hasbro,
Jakks Pacific,
Mattel.
Mattel? No, mat Hell. My body broken in mat Hell to sell you toys.
Watch me crash into the ring,
So you will want to buy the ring.
Watch my brother launched into the cage,
So you will want to buy the cage.
I am a big toy,
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Made to sell little toys.
I am killed in this cage,
To sell you little cages.
I am flesh and blood
Poured into a mold.
Until I wear out.
WWE,
Crash,
Cage,
Playset.
Playset? No, pain-set.
But who is the one playing?
Pain
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My Vest Has Many Pockets
My vest has many pockets it keeps me safe
My vest has many pockets I can keep precious things close
My vest has many pockets when I run they sag and shake
My vest has many pockets I look scary with my spooky mask
My vest has many pockets what could I keep in them
My vest has many pockets so I can hold a secret
My vest has many pockets only I know where the car keys are
My vest has many pockets so I can keep old fortune cookies
My vest has many pockets but I don't let them get holes
My vest has many pockets but only one is filled with fudge
My vest has many pockets I look scary like a big fisherman
My vest has many pockets but I wrestle without it
My vest has many pockets my possessions are my heart
My vest has many pockets always afraid because I fear myself
My vest has many pockets it keeps me safe
Akam & Rezar
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Channeling My Inner Conflict By Rezar (with input from Akam)
Terror abounds
The droning notes of an ominous dirge
They fill the arena
The divine meeting place of the teeming masses
When the gods weep
And our foes have been ground to dust
Underneath our gargantuan boots
They see their fate on those big ol’ screens
Which, if we’re being honest...
It’s a little bit much, right?
Paul has shown us much of what we know
And channeled our rage
Our conflict
And led us to unimaginable success
A world in which our masks are merely representations of our turmoil
Pain
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Skulls from which the flesh has been rendered
Shading the agony of our souls…
Not to belabor the point, but
The video, it just sort of icks me out, is the thing
It treads a little close to “Dementor” territory for my tastes
I just...I need to make that clear
Nobody will listen, but it’s making it tough to walk to the ring
Stop.
No, I’m just saying, at shows, I’m, like, a wreck--
THE TWISTED WRECKAGE
Of ladders and chairs
Taking years off of--
Okay, so those things suck your soul out
And I don’t know if you’ve been on the ride at Universal Studios
But they’re the scariest part
Like, by a mile
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…..
You never noticed that?
MILES of broken bodies
In our wake
Those gold belts
Will stay atop our shoulders
For ages to come
And when the dust has settled
I’m not going back out there.
...when Armageddon has come and gone…
They can keep their belts.
...the Authors will be--
I have to draw a line somewhere
And Dementors is that line
…
That line is Dementors
Pain
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…
My soul is staying right where it’s always been
…
…
…
We’re getting rid of those DVDs when we get back to the bus.
Akam & Rezar
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A Poem Featuring Rick Bognar for Some Reason
We’re Akam and Rezar. You know us as the Authors of Pain
And if there’s one thing we hate, it would be the spellings of our names
“Pain” and “name” don’t rhyme, you say?
That’s the least of our worries in this poem today
It’s not “Pain” we detest, nor “Authors” we should note
It’s that our dad misspelled our first ones like some hillbilly dolt
If Papa was Uncle Elmer or one of the Godwins we’d understand
But as this is Paul Ellering it’s therefore completely out of hand
He brought the world Hawk and Animal, and he spelled those right
So why did our names cause him to lose a literary fight?
Pain
33
Akam should be Occam, we say, that’s what we demand
Rezar is Razor, Gillette and Schick and Dollar Shave Club be damned
Scott Hall is calling now; folks may think Rezar is a Ramon?
Oh no! And now on line two, we’ve got Rick Bognar on the phone
Ok, now we agree, these horrible spellings we will live with
The last thing we want is a run-in from that beast named McDevitt
Akam & Rezar
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A Slam Poem
Words fall
like opponents dropping
from ladders
from ropes
from the arms of the authors
And like those we vanquish we
SLAM
The count of the ref goes
1
2
3
And another chapter is written
Each a part in an epic as we
SLAM
Through those who would stand in our way
As we
SLAM
DIY
As we
SLAM
The Revival
As we
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SLAM
Your expectations
As we
SLAM
SLAM
SLAM
And yet we are not satisfied
As we
SLAM
the door on which opportunity knocks open
As we
SLAM
an unfortunate soul through a table
As we
SLAM
These words that fall
like opponents dropping
WE SLAM
Akam & Rezar
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A Haiku about Haku
Sometimes he is Meng
And I've never heard him sing
He was also King
Pain
37
Paiyne
Pain
Comes in many forms
Pain Paine Pane Payne
Back pain when you bend
Thomas Paine is not your friend
Window pane can't defend
Payne Air conditioners
Keep you cool
T-Pain hip hop trend, a traditional fool
Pain is the only god
Pain you feel
Break the pane, make it real
Paine in times that try men's souls
T-Pain with rhymes that are cold
Cold Payne air conditioning
Millions sold
Pain
Paine
Pane
Payne
Akam & Rezar
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American Omega
American Alpha — beautiful
We look at you from the dark
while you shine in the light
You are the Alpha — you make us feel Omega
You wore sweet jackets while we wore dumb vests
Chad's long hair flowed, while we couldn't grow
We tried Jason's cut, but pull it off? We do not
But still, your posters cover our lockers
Hands under our gloves — nails painted black
To match the feelings you make us feel
Stare at you from across the ring, remind us what we lack
We're so cruddy next to you, like we were shocked by electric eels
Our manager is bald, no hair there
Just like how you make us feel empty
We run out of the ring after we see you, so quick
To put on our eyeliner extra thick
Pain
39
We come from Albania and Canada
We try to touch you Americans with holds
But instead, our hearts are in the hold of sad
Put us out of our American Misalphaery
Match over, time to blast Dashboard
And think of how you make us Scream Infidelities
Hands Down, you are the bestest
Make us wish we knew a third Dashboard song to make us feel better
Before I authored pain, I was Sunny (me, the one writing this, Akam)
But you make me feel cloudy
Like super cloudy, the kind with thunderbolts and stuff
And hail, probably hail
My only hope: to meet you in the middle
Could we one day be the Authors of... Gamma?
No, you are too Alpha
Time to go cut our foreheads — for pain, not color
Bye
Akam & Rezar
40
Missing Piece Of The Puzzle
As the Authors of Pain dominate the scene
Led by the vision of one Paul Ellering
Together they form a modern wrestling dynasty
A piece is missing from achieving their true destiny
From the Legion of Doom from the mean streets of Chicago
I don’t mean Animal nor Hawk, I’m talking ‘bout Rocco
Leather jacket and pompadour, this dummy was not meek
He helped win Summerslam ‘92 against Money Inc.
Please bring back the puppet, make a painful royal flush,
Akam! Rezar! Ellering! Rocco! OH WHAT A RUSH!
Pain
41
Break Legs & Slam
We are Rezar & Akam.
We don’t like other tag teams, man.
These other teams,
We hate their moves,
We hate their slams,
We hate their boots.
We don’t like other tag teams, man.
We are Rezar & Akam.
We do not like them. They all suck.
We beat them up. We run amok.
We would fight them in the ring.
We would fight them tagged with Sting.
We would fight them in a Shark Cage Match, fine.
We would fight them on the Network for $9.99.
We don’t like other tag teams, man.
We are Rezar & Akam.
We’d beat SAnitY down and kick in their kidneys,
Akam & Rezar
42
Then send TM-61 packing straight back to Sydney.
We’d twist Heavy Machinery in their fat knees,
And we’ve never heard of Riddick Moss and Tino Sabbatelli.
But bring them on
We do not care.
We’d fight them here,
We’d fight them there.
We would fight them with steel chairs
We would fight them with ring stairs.
We would submit them until they give up.
We would fight them for the Dusty Classic Cup.
We don’t like other tag teams, man.
We are Rezar & Akam.
Pain
43
Not What They Seem
The crowd sings a song of mere perfection
We lift up our opponents in sync like a mirror’s reflection
We lift with such power and might
Knowing we are about to conclude the match of the night
Yet every time we seem so sure
the pop will be massive when they hit the floor
The fans’ emotions running hot and wild
But every time we touch I feel the fire go mild
What should have been a double powerbomb
Was the perfect finish gone wrong
We are thankful for the fans and their sympathy
Even if they can't tell the difference between Akam and Me
Though the boss might not find it so cute, This Super Collider
For botching this much will be our center divider
For what was a dream come true is a living nightmare
Worse than being called Daivari and D'Lo if they were filled with hot air
We couldn't make it on the indy scene
For we don't do flips or wear masks to the ring
Akam & Rezar
44
But we better learn front rolls or even cartwheels
For if Mr. McMahon fires us we'd have to ration our meals
Oh, somebody help us get this execution correct
For the size of us can hardly protect
In a moment of clarity I'm sure we'll be fine
For we show more charisma than any of DIY
Pain
45
Shall I Compare Thee To A Summer’s Pain?
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s pain?
Thou art more searing, and more brutal
Rough winds do shake the full mustache of Wayne
A dude who gave me a deal on a U-Haul one time, he was cool
Sometime too hot, the eye of Paul Ellering shines
And often his gold complexion dimmed, he needs a tan
And every powerbomb from powerbomb sometimes declines
By chance, or cause we drank too much last night, Coors Banquet
But thy eternal tag team championship shall not fade
Nor lose possession of that pain thou owest, a spinning sidewalk slam
Nor shall American Alpha brag we wand'rest in their shade
Because, bro, we don't
So long as men can breathe, or super colliders collide
So long lives this and gives pain to thee, my sick style
Akam & Rezar
46
The following work, “Diary Entry,” has been included in this volume completely unedited so that you can see my Authors of Pain’s raw writing talent in the same shining light that I do every time they send me the beginnings of a poem.
- Paul Ellering
Pain
47
Diary Entry
Dear Diary,
Today Mr. Paul Ellerting want us to take flyght from Louisville to St. Louis but we are scared. Mr. Paul Ellerting says that we take off and land at Zacl same time. Mr. Paul Ellerting wants us to get in a Machine Of Time! How do we travel time and not get scared?!?
We beg and go Starship Enterprise Rent-Our-Car and Mr. Paul Ellerting gets our vanual miniature. It has TV for us in seats backs pockets. Mr. Paul Ellerting dryve to St. Louis and we view watch Vegetable Tayles. We like because it is good one about brush hair missing. So sad!!! We miss brush hair times. Mr. Paul Ellerting is sad too. We can tell.
Mr. NIPPLE HATECHA say we mind him of Warrior Roadsters so he give us Mr. Paul Ellerting to help us. We happy MR. NIPPLE HATECHA think so nice-nice of us that he give us Mr. Paul Ellerting to help us and be nice-nice. MR. NIPPLE HATECHA and Mr. Paul Ellerting see BYG thing for us. We lyke byg thing. We byg zo we noe we need byg things for us. Like Vanual Miniature with TV in seats backs pockets! Brush Hair Found!
Akam & Rezar
48
They say we make money. They say fame-fame. They zo say change-change. We change-change.
Butt (hehe) we want make money. We want fame-fame. So we change-change.
Mr. Paul Ellerting wants us to call each other by our names, sleep in separate beds and stop using our special language. We will start tomorrow. We are scared.
.nwodkcamS waR retsoR niaM, olleH .ecalkcen traeh gnihctam fo seceip ruo, eybdooG .sdneirf reverof laiceps ruo, eybdooG
We are the Authors Of Pain. We will make you feel our pain. Our Pain Is Legion.
Now,
AKAM & Rezar
AOP
Pain
49
An Ode to Ellering
We Authors of Pain wouldn’t have much at all,
If it wasn’t for our cantankerous manager, Paul.
We’d still be off TV, muddling about,
If it wasn’t for Paul Ellering helping us out.
We’re just two big dudes, a mean power pack,
Bodies so thick we cannot reach the small of our back,
Even though we are strong, tough, and are tall,
Our key to success is our Uncle Paul.
We only need to pose while Uncle Paul talks,
Because our verbiage lacks unlike Animal and Hawk’s,
He labeled us “Akam” and “Rezar,” to make us sound smart,
But truly it’s because people couldn’t tell us apart.
Wearing his slick leather jacket, Wall Street Journal in his hands,
He cheers us on and makes fun of the marks in the stands,
He overlooks every contract we sign and its rider,
While in our matches, we just try to hit our Super Collider.
Akam & Rezar
50
As a trio, we are the best we can be,
Taking down all the tag teams in NXT,
American Alpha was dominated, the Revival right after,
We broke down #DIY with our Last Chapter.
We beat them, hurt them, leaving them to their fates,
All while getting the gold strapped around our thick-bellied waists,
While we Authors wrote “The Best Tag Team Career of Them All,”
It would never have been published without our editor, Paul.
Pain
51
Palindrome Advice
After our bartending buddy Eddie Net’s bachelor party, he was still drunk the morning of his wedding. We had to wrestle him down and submit him until he sobered up. Afterwards, we wrote him this palindrome.
Pure Boston Crab for Ed Net. A tender of bar c'not sober up.
Akam & Rezar
52
PAIN (The End)
Paul Ellering (our wrestling dad) said
American Alpha sucks real bad
If you attack them at The End
NXT tag teams will fear you, my friend
Pain
53
The Best Of The Last
We found it apropos to dedicate the last chapter to, well, the last chapter.
In order to understand where our finisher came from, we must go back in time.
This story begins when I (Akam) was thirteen years old. I was given a reading assignment in school. I picked a novel that had been on the bookshelf of my childhood home since before I was born: “The Old Man and the Sea.” One of Hemingway’s finest. After I had finished and turned in my paper to Mrs. Farrington, I quickly realized that the book was not finished with me. I would think constantly about Santiago’s struggle. I read the book cover to cover, over and over again. But as I neared the last chapter, I knew that the outcome would always be the same. I had wished that I had never finished the book, so that the story would never end. So, from then on, I would always read a book, ending it just before the final chapter. This became my standard practice to this day.
After a year of teaming together, I came in to the locker room one day, and found Rezar having just finished reading “Miss Peregrine's Home For Peculiar Children.” He told me that he was done with the book, but I had noticed that his bookmark was still on the last
Akam & Rezar
54
chapter. It was then that I found out that we shared the same policy on the last chapter.
I (Rezar) had too been saddened by the close of a book. For me it was “The Importance Of Being Earnest,” when I was ten. This similar experience bound us closer than any tag team could be. We talked about our feelings, and the stories we both read and never finished. It was then that we both shared with each other a secret that neither of us had ever told another living soul about: something was missing.
A book needed a last chapter, whether it was written, read, or acted out. It was then that we decided, the last chapter will always be ours.
Since that day, we will read an entire book, up to the last chapter, right before a match. That way, the last chapter will always end up right where it belongs: in the ring.
Akam & Rezar
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Acknowledgements
We could not have written this book without the WWE naming us the Authors of Pain and therefore obligating us to write a book called “Pain,” our manager/dad Paul Ellering, and Road Warrior Animal for letting us touch his cool red shoulder pads once.
All poems written by Akam and Rezar with help from the following:
Foreword – Joey Clift
I Cry When Daddy Calls Me Hawk - Michael Rose
Allen Ginsberg’s “Howl” by The Authors Of Pain - Matthew Brian Cohen
Authors of Pain. Co-Authors in Life - Michael Rose
Akam's Rezar - Colin Hunter, Satirist-in-Chief, KayfabeNews.com
Virginia Woolf Had a Great Finisher - Taylor Orci
Red Thighs - Dino Winwood
Big Trophy - Stephen Loh
Haiku From The Road - Stephen Loh
WWE Crash Cage Playset - James Hornsby
My Vest Has Many Pockets - Jesse Arlen Klein
Channeling My Inner Conflict - Tyler Davidson
Pain
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A Poem Featuring Rick Bognar for Some Reason - RD Reynolds WrestleCrap.com
A Slam Poem - Jason Wayne Christian
A Haiku about Haku - Matt McCarthy
Paiyne - Alex Newman
American Omega - Mike Roe
Missing Piece Of The Puzzle - Gene Augusto
Break Legs & Slam - Alex Hoffman
Not What They Seem - Dino Winwood
Shall I Compare Thee To A Summer’s Pain - Taylor Orci
Diary Entry - Brian James O'Connell
An Ode to Ellering - Erik W. Barnes
Palindrome Advice - Joseph Porter
PAIN (The End) - Nicky Urban
The best of the Last - Daniel Weiss
Special Thanks
Alex Hoffman
Brian Rubinow
Amanda Meadows and Geoffrey Golden
The nice lady that makes our big scary vests
Heidenreich
Akam & Rezar
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About The Authors
Akam is a Walt Whitman Award winning poet and 2011 Harvard Rhodes scholars. An avid Mark Twain enthusiast, Akam owns autographed first editions of many of Twain’s most popular works. When he isn’t writing, he wrestles in a tag team with his brother Rezar for WWE’s NXT brand where they hold that company’s top titles. He and Akam are currently writing their next book, “The Book of Dominance,” which will be on store shelves in the near future.
Rezar’s love for poetry began in his teenage years when he spent a summer lifting weights and reading the complete works of Emily Dickinson. He can’t wait to wrestle on WWE’s main roster where he hopes to learn from his literary hero Braun Strowman.