Overcoming Grief and Loss

Gillian EvansCCAA Conference

27 March, 2010

Grief and Loss

Some of the theories about grief/bereavement Each person’s journey is different to every

else’s journey (and reasons) Why do people get stuck

THEORIES Worden’s 4 Task model

– Accept the reality of the loss– Experience the pain of grief– Adjust to an environment in which the significant

person is no longer present– Reinvest emotional energy

THEORIES Rando’s 6 R Process

– Recognise the Loss– Reaction to the separation– Recollect and reexperience the deceased and

the relationship– Relinquish the old attachments to the deceased

and the old assumptive world– Readjust to move adaptively into the new world

without forgetting the old– Reinvest

THEORIES Continuing Bonds model (Silverman and Klass

1996) Dual Process Model (Stroebe and Schut, 1999)

Gill’s Theory!!

All say it is a “cyclical” process not linear All say if not processed, then the loss can

eg be carried into new relationships All acknowldge each others work, but sees

flaws in it

All the parts of the process working together for the best outcome

INFLUENCES ON THE PROCESS OF GRIEVING

Personality process/prexisting psychological conditions– Healthy adjustment and adaptation

INFLUENCES ON THE PROCESS OF GRIEVING

Coping ability – Men “do”– Women “emotion

based

INFLUENCES ON THE PROCESS OF GRIEVING

Social supportThe most helpful people areThose who were not afraid to talk about the death. They did not look the other way, or change the subject, or run off to some important task. They stayed with me. They held fast. They were afraid, but they were not so afraid that they could not be with me in my fear. Thank God for them.

INFLUENCES ON THE PROCESS OF GRIEVING

Mars vs Venus (Men and women grieve differently)– Sometimes applied to people who are unable to

work through their grief, despite the passage of time.

INFLUENCES ON THE PROCESS OF GRIEVING

Disenfranchised grief– Relationship is not

recognised– The loss is not

recognised– The griever is not

recognised

INFLUENCES ON THE PROCESS OF GRIEVING

Pathological grief– Sometimes applied to people who are

unable to work through their grief, despite the passage of time.

– Social norms dictate what is a “suitable” time frame

HOW TO WORK THROUGH IT

Accept the reality (no “masks”) (what is the meaning of the loss for you)

It is normal to hurt deeply

Bereavement – i.e. death of a loved one) Financial ruin, hopes and dreams

It is normal to hurt deeply

OK TO CRY

Adjust to an environment in which the significant person is no longer present

There may be feelings of guilt

MAY BE FEELINGS OF ANGER

Reasons why each person’s journey may proceed differently from another

persons journey 2 ways to see the loss How the loss came about

– Anticipated/unanticipated The closeness of the relationship

– The psychological nature of the relationship to you of the loss

Person’s coping style Own life experience

Same destination two Paths

Tips/tricks to help our clients

(what is the meaning behind the loss) “put out” what is mulling around in their

heads and bodies, by: – ask them to “talk” to the deceased, (two chairs)– use some of the Innovative Resources cards to

enable them to put out on the table, what they can barely acknowledge.

Tips/tricks to help our clients

– ask them to put the feeling as a colour they choose, as small or as large as they are safe to do so on a sheet of paper.

Write a letter to God Create a scrapbook about the loss, Take care

– physically, – eating, – exercise – watch the alcohol

Plan ahead for anniversaries, and milestones

The End

At some time it will be completed or “good enough” completed. Christians know that God loves us, and has

our best in his hands – They may need to have a two chair conversation with God. That is OK.

…cont’d

From this…..

To this….

As the reflective self’s powers grow, and both insight and affirmative strength are deepened, the unavoidable result is a a greater ability to appreciate oneself, the world, and life. This does not in any way deny the value of the deceased’s relationship but is perhaps the greatest testament to it. A life now passed, through grieving it, has immeasurably added to our capacity to transcend death, and once again lead fulfilling lives. (Nerken, 1993)

References/Helpful articles Australian Centre for Grief and

Bereavement www.grief.org.aulots of help for professionals and for carers, and for the bereaved

A grief Observed – CS Lewis an oldie but a goldie

DeFrain et al, 1990, The psychological effects of a stillbirth on surviving family members ,Baywood Publishing Co., Inc USA

Doka, K.J. 1989 “Disenfranchised grief’ in “Death: Current Perspectives, 4th Edn, eds J.B. Williamson and ES Shneidman, 1995, Mayfield Publishing Company, Mountain View, Ca, pp 216-224

Nerken, IR 1993 “Grief and the reflective self: Toward a clearer model of loss resolution and growth’, Death studies, vol 17

Silverman, PR and Klass, D 1996 Continuing Bonds: New Understandings of Grief, eds D Klass, PR Silverman and SL Nickman; Taylor and Francis, Briston, PA

Stroebe, Margaret and Schut, Henk published in Death Studies, Volume 23, Issue 3 March 1999 , pages 197 - 224

Worden,J William, (2008) Grief Counselling and Grief Therapy: A Handbook for the Mental Health Practitioner (4th Ed)