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ly nne ha c kles

Paid to be frivolous!

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hear. They gave me ve minutes, asked a few questions

and then sent me out of the private room, audition over.

As I walked along the queue of hopefuls, all waiting for

a place in the line-up of Deal Or No Deal, I kept being

asked, What did you have to do in there? and I, smiling

sweetly, replied, Take all your clothes off. I passed

that audition and the rest is history. If youre really

interested you can see an account of my show at the

Deal Or No Deal Fansite, www.dond.co.uk

There were no cameras in the village hall. Seats

had been set out and two members from each of the

WIs in the area were there to represent their group.

Some held sheets of paper. The really efcient ones

had clipboards. Their task: to give scores out of ten for

each speaker.

There were nine and I was the last. We were

served with tea and biscuits and asked to sit at the

back of the hall. The meeting started on time with a

few words from the Chairperson and then we were

straight into the rst audition.

My spirits sank with each one. No-one else had

prepared their rst ve minutes. They all gave

samples of what they would talk about and not the

actual words they were going to use.I am an expert on local history and have talks

covering the social, economic and i ndustrial history

of This will involve slides

I have sixteen different talks on the plight of

Indias citizens.

My talk will give you all the facts and information

you need to know about the demise of the Barn Owl

in the UK.

They were all very interesting and Serious. And there

was I waiting to do Frivolous. My hands shook. I was out

of my depth. Auditionee Number Eight was covering

Garden Design. What are you giving them? she said,so I told her how selling a readers letter had gone to my

head and ever since receiving 2 for it Id gone on to forge

a career in writing by conning people. She laughed.

My name was nally called. I wobbled up the aisle

to the tiny gap that had been designated enough space

Being a speaker can bring in some extra

income for a writer. One thing I have never

had difculty with is talking, especially

when it comes to talking about myself and

my passion for writing. Ive spoken to many other

writers at their group meetings or at writers days,

weekends, and weeks. A new one for me was giving

a talk to non-writers. Id applied to become a speaker

for the Womens Institute and, after a very long wait,

my name had come up and the good ladies had asked

me to audition for them. It wasnt exactly the X-Factor

but it was still an audition.

Id offered two talks and was requested to give a

sample of each. Now, being a writer, I know a ll about

opening lines and grabbing your audience. Id once

practised the very same technique on a visit to the

doctor. He always sat there, head down, pen poised

over his prescription pad and most of his patients had

more than a sneaking suspicion that he didnt know

who he was talki ng to as he never looked up. He was

into voice recognition and knew his patients were

either male or female. On one visit I was determined

to get his full attention so, on walking in and seeing

him in his normal pose, I said, loudly, Id like a sexchange. It worked! (Not the sex change Im happy as

I am. I mean getting his attention.)

I could certainly do the same with members of the

WI. They were giving me ten minutes so that meant

ve minutes per talk. A dramatic ve-minute intro

was written for both The 2 That Changed My Life

andMy Experience On Deal Or No Deal. Like a real

pro I rehearsed them several times, making sure the

timing was right and my arms didnt wave about

too much. I have been known to stun someone in the

front row of an audience by waving my arm with

such force that my bracelet ew through the air andhit them between the eyes.

The night arrived and I was ready. Was I nervous?

No. Id been to bigger auditions than this. Once upon a

time Id sat in front of a camera and been asked to talk

about yourself for a bit. The words many writers love to

B Y L Y N N E H A C K L E S

FRIVOLOUS!PAID TO BE

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ly nne ha c kles

Paid to be frivolous!

thenewwriter.com 13

for a speaker. Thered be no strutting up and down

and arm waving. I smiled at all the ladies, who had

now been sitting on hard wooden chairs for over two

hours, and made a snap decision. Id scrap my carefully

prepared grab em and keep their attention words and,

instead, tell them what Id said to Number Eight.

Hello. Tonight I am Lynne Hackles. This morning

I was a man. Yesterday I was Liz Wilden. Im a writer

and use several different names. My talk, The 2 That

Changed My Life is about how I, who had been asked to

leave school at the age of fteen so that the rest of the

class could concentrate, ended up making a living as a

writer. I told them how Id sold a readers letter for 2.

We were watching seagulls by the River Severn

in Worcester. Theyre a long way from the coast, I

remarked to my friend. Oh, its not far if they come

straight up the motorway, came her reply.

I told them about the accompanying picture of

two gulls in an open-top sports car and did a bit ofarm waving as I demonstrated steering it. Then I

confessed about going directly to the local newspaper

and, on the strength of 36 published words, informed

the editor I was a freelance writer, and asked for work.

Since then, I told them, Ive sold articles, stories and

books and live in fear that one day a hand will clamp

on my shoulder and a voice say, Gotcha! You fraud.

Lynne Hackles describes hersel as a

buttery writer itting rom short stories or

womens magazines, to non-fction, novels,

childrens books. Apart rom poetry and

pornography she has tried everything and

used several dierent names along the way.

www.lynnehackles.com

It made them laugh too and that sound made

me want to keep them laughing, which I managed,

for my allotted ten minutes, in which time I

managed to incorporate a bit more arm waving

and hand-apping.

The Chairperson, who was in charge of the timer,

slapped her hand on her clipboard to indicate that my

time was up. I apologised to her for being frivolous

and walked between the rows of now very dgety

ladies. Id overdone it. Gone OTT as I was often wont

to do. But no. Several hands were waving at me. Have

you got a business card please? I handed out my stock

of cards, all thirty of them.

After her thank-you all for coming bit, the

Chairperson informed the hopeful speakers that, in

due course, they would be told whether they were

successful or not. Three months on and Ive not heard

an ofcial word. However, a dozen or more groups

have already booked me. I canonly assume that, because

they havent waited for ofcial

permission, they are WI rebels.

I think were going to have

fun and I promise Ill try not

to knock any of them out with

my bracelet.