Download - Nw114 Pp12 13 Lynne Hackles
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7/30/2019 Nw114 Pp12 13 Lynne Hackles
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ly nne ha c kles
Paid to be frivolous!
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hear. They gave me ve minutes, asked a few questions
and then sent me out of the private room, audition over.
As I walked along the queue of hopefuls, all waiting for
a place in the line-up of Deal Or No Deal, I kept being
asked, What did you have to do in there? and I, smiling
sweetly, replied, Take all your clothes off. I passed
that audition and the rest is history. If youre really
interested you can see an account of my show at the
Deal Or No Deal Fansite, www.dond.co.uk
There were no cameras in the village hall. Seats
had been set out and two members from each of the
WIs in the area were there to represent their group.
Some held sheets of paper. The really efcient ones
had clipboards. Their task: to give scores out of ten for
each speaker.
There were nine and I was the last. We were
served with tea and biscuits and asked to sit at the
back of the hall. The meeting started on time with a
few words from the Chairperson and then we were
straight into the rst audition.
My spirits sank with each one. No-one else had
prepared their rst ve minutes. They all gave
samples of what they would talk about and not the
actual words they were going to use.I am an expert on local history and have talks
covering the social, economic and i ndustrial history
of This will involve slides
I have sixteen different talks on the plight of
Indias citizens.
My talk will give you all the facts and information
you need to know about the demise of the Barn Owl
in the UK.
They were all very interesting and Serious. And there
was I waiting to do Frivolous. My hands shook. I was out
of my depth. Auditionee Number Eight was covering
Garden Design. What are you giving them? she said,so I told her how selling a readers letter had gone to my
head and ever since receiving 2 for it Id gone on to forge
a career in writing by conning people. She laughed.
My name was nally called. I wobbled up the aisle
to the tiny gap that had been designated enough space
Being a speaker can bring in some extra
income for a writer. One thing I have never
had difculty with is talking, especially
when it comes to talking about myself and
my passion for writing. Ive spoken to many other
writers at their group meetings or at writers days,
weekends, and weeks. A new one for me was giving
a talk to non-writers. Id applied to become a speaker
for the Womens Institute and, after a very long wait,
my name had come up and the good ladies had asked
me to audition for them. It wasnt exactly the X-Factor
but it was still an audition.
Id offered two talks and was requested to give a
sample of each. Now, being a writer, I know a ll about
opening lines and grabbing your audience. Id once
practised the very same technique on a visit to the
doctor. He always sat there, head down, pen poised
over his prescription pad and most of his patients had
more than a sneaking suspicion that he didnt know
who he was talki ng to as he never looked up. He was
into voice recognition and knew his patients were
either male or female. On one visit I was determined
to get his full attention so, on walking in and seeing
him in his normal pose, I said, loudly, Id like a sexchange. It worked! (Not the sex change Im happy as
I am. I mean getting his attention.)
I could certainly do the same with members of the
WI. They were giving me ten minutes so that meant
ve minutes per talk. A dramatic ve-minute intro
was written for both The 2 That Changed My Life
andMy Experience On Deal Or No Deal. Like a real
pro I rehearsed them several times, making sure the
timing was right and my arms didnt wave about
too much. I have been known to stun someone in the
front row of an audience by waving my arm with
such force that my bracelet ew through the air andhit them between the eyes.
The night arrived and I was ready. Was I nervous?
No. Id been to bigger auditions than this. Once upon a
time Id sat in front of a camera and been asked to talk
about yourself for a bit. The words many writers love to
B Y L Y N N E H A C K L E S
FRIVOLOUS!PAID TO BE
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7/30/2019 Nw114 Pp12 13 Lynne Hackles
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ly nne ha c kles
Paid to be frivolous!
thenewwriter.com 13
for a speaker. Thered be no strutting up and down
and arm waving. I smiled at all the ladies, who had
now been sitting on hard wooden chairs for over two
hours, and made a snap decision. Id scrap my carefully
prepared grab em and keep their attention words and,
instead, tell them what Id said to Number Eight.
Hello. Tonight I am Lynne Hackles. This morning
I was a man. Yesterday I was Liz Wilden. Im a writer
and use several different names. My talk, The 2 That
Changed My Life is about how I, who had been asked to
leave school at the age of fteen so that the rest of the
class could concentrate, ended up making a living as a
writer. I told them how Id sold a readers letter for 2.
We were watching seagulls by the River Severn
in Worcester. Theyre a long way from the coast, I
remarked to my friend. Oh, its not far if they come
straight up the motorway, came her reply.
I told them about the accompanying picture of
two gulls in an open-top sports car and did a bit ofarm waving as I demonstrated steering it. Then I
confessed about going directly to the local newspaper
and, on the strength of 36 published words, informed
the editor I was a freelance writer, and asked for work.
Since then, I told them, Ive sold articles, stories and
books and live in fear that one day a hand will clamp
on my shoulder and a voice say, Gotcha! You fraud.
Lynne Hackles describes hersel as a
buttery writer itting rom short stories or
womens magazines, to non-fction, novels,
childrens books. Apart rom poetry and
pornography she has tried everything and
used several dierent names along the way.
www.lynnehackles.com
It made them laugh too and that sound made
me want to keep them laughing, which I managed,
for my allotted ten minutes, in which time I
managed to incorporate a bit more arm waving
and hand-apping.
The Chairperson, who was in charge of the timer,
slapped her hand on her clipboard to indicate that my
time was up. I apologised to her for being frivolous
and walked between the rows of now very dgety
ladies. Id overdone it. Gone OTT as I was often wont
to do. But no. Several hands were waving at me. Have
you got a business card please? I handed out my stock
of cards, all thirty of them.
After her thank-you all for coming bit, the
Chairperson informed the hopeful speakers that, in
due course, they would be told whether they were
successful or not. Three months on and Ive not heard
an ofcial word. However, a dozen or more groups
have already booked me. I canonly assume that, because
they havent waited for ofcial
permission, they are WI rebels.
I think were going to have
fun and I promise Ill try not
to knock any of them out with
my bracelet.