new beginnings and “moving forward” · 2019-08-05 · it has been said that grief is hard work....

Seasons of Life

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T he beginning of September is a timeof great changes. The slow lazy pace

of summer gives way to the annualritual of going back to school. The pace oflife picks up as the days grow shorter and the temperatures begin to drop. But if youare grieving the loss of a loved one, it can be painful to see others going on with theirlives when your own is changed forever. Fall is a season of new beginnings, but yourlife can feel as if it is frozen in time from the date that your loved one’s life ended.

Experiencing the loss of a loved onemay not be thought of as a new beginning,but it is one nonetheless. It may take a longtime before it can be seen that way, as a newbeginning, a new phase of life, a transitionto a new identity. The poet Rainer MariaRilke in his Letters to a Young Poet writes regarding the many unanswered questions that are part of moving into anuncertain future, “Perhaps you will then gradually, withoutnoticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.”

It has been said that grief is hard work. Part of the workof grief is learning how to live again in a world in which yourloved one is not physically present. There is an article I read

several years ago with the title “Livingwith Grief: Rebuilding a World”. Theauthor talks about the model of griefwork that encourages “letting go” of the person who died. This model has had a major influence on societalunderstandings of grief and what thegrief process is supposed to look like,including the need for having “closure.”It does not match up with the livedexperience of the vast majority of people who have lost a loved one.

The reality is that grief is a lifelong process. The death of a lovedone is the beginning of the grief journey, but it is not the end of thatrelationship. Often in grief counselingI encourage the people I am working

with to adopt the concept of “moving forward” rather than“moving on”. Moving on implies leaving behind, whilemoving forward means living each day and moving intothe future with your loved one coming along with you.How that happens is up to the individual mourner and thenature of the relationship they had with their loved one.

E. Willis Partington, M.Div., LCSW-R, FT, Lead Bereavement Counselor

New Beginnings and “Moving Forward”

A Bereavement Newsletter from the VNSNY Hospice and Palliative Care Program

Continued on next page

“Perhaps you will then gradually,without noticing it, live alongsome distant day into the answer.”

—Rainer Maria RilkeLetters to a Young Poet

A SpecialWeaving that'sBecome aContinuousMemorial

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VNSNY Hospice and Palliative CareFall 2017BereavementServices Calendar

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El duelo en lapoblaciónHispana

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Join us at theMuseum ofModern Art this fall!

Fall 2017 Issue 27

2017 FALL VNSNY Seasons 12 (willis)_2012 FINAL Seasons of Life 9 spreads 10/3/17 1:40 PM

VNSNY Hospice and Palliative Care • Seasons of Life

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As we move into the holiday season, it also is atime of new beginnings. Holidays are accompaniedby family traditions that may have to be changed,renegotiated or sometimes abandoned. ThanksgivingDay will mean an empty chair at the table, perhapsroles fulfilled by your loved one that will have to betaken on by someone else. It may mean sharing ameal with different people in a different location.Many grieving people express the wish to skip theholidays altogether, to somehow be able to fast-forward until January 2nd. But of course, the newyear will bring with it new holidays, new “firsts” thatwill need to be experienced and perhaps lived in new ways.

I am also undergoing a new beginning this fall inmy role as Lead Bereavement Counselor. This is mysecond year in this position, and I have had to give up some of my previous responsibilities, such as co-facilitating labyrinth walks, the Spanish bereave-ment group and our annual Saturday Matinee filmseries. I am also wearing another hat in becomingCo-Chair of our hospice ethics committee. Ourbereavement team is saying goodbye to two valuedmembers: Lily Kim, our bereavement counselor at the Haven and our Spanish-speaking intern RocíoRuiz. We are also welcoming on board a new intern,Boglarka Tilli Woloshin. As the saying goes, “whenone door closes, another one opens,” yet changesbring sadness as well as excitement for what comesnext. As I say goodbye to special colleagues and relinquish my participation in programs I have helpedto facilitate in the past, I am attempting to bring those experiences, those people and those memorieswith me as I move forward in my own journey of professional growth and development. As we enterthe fall and the holiday season, it is my hope that youwill find a way to bring your loved one with you inyour own way, and, in so doing, transform what oursociety sees as an ending into a new beginning.

Sincerely,

M. Div., LCSW-R, FTLead Bereavement Counselor

Dear Friend-in-Grief,

I t was a pink plaid wool coat, with a big shawl collar that belted at the waist. My mother Omi wore it with such flair. Although she was not tall, she gave

a tall impression as she carried herself with such erectstature. She had been effortlessly slim and, oh, so graceful. I was there when she bought this coat. My oldest son, A., would take his grandmother shoppingbefore the holidays. His grandmother had been widowedfor many years and he lovingly stepped in to fill the voidto the best of his abilities. I had joined them for thisparticular trip to Loehmann's. My son, A, would scan theracks and select items for Omi to try on. She trusted him.It was A. who found this coat and ran over to Omi with hisfind. Omi loved color, she loved life. She enjoyed this coatand she absolutely adored A.

Omi died six months ago. I’m in the process of clean-ing out her apartment. Yesterday, a lovely young woman,a friend of a friend, came over. Like my mother, she too, isvery slim, and would easily fit into my mother’s beautifulelegant clothes. She went through the racks and selecteda number of suits. I showed her the coat closet and sheselected this pink plaid coat. It was heart wrenching forme. That coat is love personified. I asked her to model the coat for me. She did. She tied the belt jauntily and she looked terrific. With tears rolling down my cheeks, I explained to her what that coat meant to me. I assuredher that I was thrilled that she would be wearing it andenjoying it. Why should this coat just sit in the closet and gather dust? Why should it go to a totally anonymous person?

Yet, when I arrived home, I immediately called A. We both cried over the phone. “A.,” I asked him, “should I ask for the coat back?” We discussed it and decided that,no, let her wear it in good health and with our blessings.Let others benefit from my mother (and A.'s!) sense ofbeauty, and let her extreme generosity live on.

My mother had been ill for 10 years with emphysema.She had been exceedingly ill, on hospice care for almosttwo years. A dear friend pointed out that upon her death I probably had been relieved that it was over, for her sake and for mine. She was ready to go and told me so repeatedly. At this point, though, the relief has beenreplaced with the pain of her loss. I do miss her so. Yet, I know she’s in a better place. I thank God that I had such an incredible mother who bonded with her grandchildren so beautifully, and who taught me so much about life, planting within me with a huge appreciation for beauty and joy.

May her memory be a blessing for all.

M.



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El duelo en la población HispanaRocío Lorena Ruiz, former Bereavement Services Intern

A finales del año pasado un equipo de consejerosde duelo y relacionistas de VNSNY de ascendencia hispana se reunieron para compartir

experiencias de trabajo y comentar los retos queenfrentan en la diaria labor de asistir a la poblaciónlatina hacia el final de la vida. Los hispanos, tambiénllamados Latinos, son aquellas personas provenientesdel Sudamérica, América Central, el Caribe y México,pueblos que comparten una herencia cultural española(lenguaje, religión y tradiciones) así como aquellas quenacieron en este país de padres hispanos. Estapoblación constituye la minoría más grande en losEstados Unidos, siendo 55.3 millones de personas que representan el 17.3% de la población total del país.

Los Latinos dejamos atrás el mundo que conoce-mos. Nos vemos afectados por la inmi-gración, la aculturación, las diferenciasgeneracionales, el status socio-económicoy el lenguaje. Construimos un nuevo sentido de pertenencia en la sociedad que nos recibe, y si bien existen diferen-cias individuales y grupales, compartimos valores culturales comunes que afloran en el proceso de adaptación. Estos valores rectores no sólo nos caracterizan sino quenos sostienen en época de adversidad,dolor y crisis.

En qué nos diferenciamos los Latinosde otros grupos? Aquí los más representa-tivos:

• Tradicionalismo, la adherencia a las tradiciones culturales y religiosas, y la manera de mantener losvalores culturales trasmitiéndolos de generación engeneración;

• Marianismo, la capacidad femenina de soportar (resistir) cualquier sufrimiento y ser espiritualmente"superior" a los hombres;

• Machismo (en el sentido positivo), la expectativa yaceptación de que los varones deben conducir elhogar;

• Orgullo, entendido como fortaleza para enfrentar la adversidad, pero también como inhibición de ciertasexpresiones de miedo o dolor;

• Personalismo, la inclinación por interactuar de modomás personal y familiar, y la expectativa por un tratomás íntimo, delicado y preferencial;

• Familismo, la consideración que la familia es lo másimportante. Familia Latina=familia nuclear +efamilia extendida + amigos cercanos;

• Fatalismo, la creencia que los eventos ocurren porcausas divinas o por el destino;

• Simpatía, capacidad para compartir espontánea-mente sentimientos.

Considerando esto, decimos que los Latinos tenemos una manera muy particular de vivir, con-ducirnos, de entender y expresar nuestra aflicción. Nosólo nos vemos diferentes sino que sentimos diferente.

Nuestro propio lenguaje está muy ligado a los sentimientos, a nuestra cosmovisión religiosa y al sistema de creencias que perpetuamos degeneración en generación. Frasescomo “‘uno no sabe lo que tiene hastaque lo pierde”, “me hace mucha falta”,"la madre es única", "los hombres nolloran" o “es la voluntad/castigo deDios”, así como ciertos costumbres y rituales como vestirse de negro,corresponder con atenciones losdetalles de quienes nos acompañan, o finalmente aislarse socialmentepara guardar luto por un año, reflejantoda nuestra herencia cultural.

En el Programa de Duelo de VNSNY respetamosla diversidad cultural, nos sensibilizamos ante la pér-dida de nuestros seres queridos y comprendemos lasnecesidades de la población latina. El equipo de con-sejeros bilingües y Latinos nativos los acompañamospor 13 meses a partir de la pérdida, brindando unespacio singular para facilitar el duelo, realizandotalleres formativos y actividades que permiten construir un nuevo sentido de la vida, rindiendohonor a los que ya partieron.

Si necesita apoyo adicional no dude en contactarnos.Recuerde que no está solo: Aquí estamos para usted.

Hay quienes traen al mundo

una luz tan grande…que

incluso después de haberse

ido esa luz permanece.



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Bereavement Services Fall 2017 Calendar

Presentations designed to support people on their journey of griefRegistration is required • Manhattan location unless specified otherwise

Fall Labyrinth Walk • Staten IslandTuesday • October 103:00 p.m.—4:00 p.m.Rosanne Sonatore • [email protected]

Fall Labyrinth Walk • ManhattanSunday • October 149:30 a.m.Debra Oryzysyn • [email protected]

Cooking for One with Chef Colleen GrapesMonday • October 166:00 p.m.—7:30 p.m.Mary Kay King • [email protected]

For Adults Grieving the Loss of a Loved One• Staten IslandTuesdays: October 24, November 28, December 19, and January 30, 201810:30 a.m.—12:00 p.m.Rosanne Sonatore • [email protected] Workshop Series: “Take Your Broken Heart,Make It Into Art”— Carrie Fisher (Each meeting will focus on creating a different art piece—no artistic skills required /all art materials will be provided.)

Making the Holidays Meaningful and ManageableMonday • November 206:00 p.m.—7:30 p.m.Mary Kay King • [email protected]

Anger: Finding Peace: Planting & Watering Seeds of CalmnessSaturday • December 161:00 p.m.—2:30 p.m., Floor 6Jean Metzker • 718-888-6966917-331-7819 Preferred text or call [email protected]

Stress Management and Self-Care in Grief Thursday • December 146:00 p.m.—7:30 p.m.Willis Partington • [email protected]

Hacer Frente al Duelo Durante las Fiestas Martes (Tuesday) • Noviembre (November) 211:30 p.m.—3:00 p.m.Liz Santana • [email protected]

Mindfulness Based Grief Reduction: Finding Peace •16 Breathing Exercises • A day of peaceful quietreflection • Learning skills for everyday livingSaturday • January 20, 201810:00 a.m.—4:30 p.m.Jean Metzker • 718-888-6966917-331-7819 Preferred text or [email protected]

Winter Labyrinth Walk • Staten IslandTuesday • January 9, 20183:00 p.m.—4:00 p.m.Rosanne Sonatore • [email protected]

How Long Does Grief Last?Thurday • January 18, 20186:00 p.m.—7:30 p.m.Willis Partington • [email protected]

The David and June Pelkey Grief Education Series

Workshop Testimonial“I was able to be strongbecause I had yoursupport and knew I wasn't alone.’’

—A.K.

VNSNY Hospice and Palliative Care • Seasons of Life5



First Year of GriefSupporting Adults Whose Loved One Died on HospiceMondays • 11:00 a.m.—12:30 p.m.Janet King • [email protected]

Chinese-Language Bereavement Support

Tuesdays • 2:30 p.m.—4:00 p.m.Pamela Yew Schwartz • [email protected]

For Adults Grieving the Death of a Loved OneTuesdays • 6:00 p.m.—7:30 p.m.John Anderson • [email protected]

For Adults Grieving the Death of aLoved One • BrooklynTuesdays • October 3, 17, November 7, 21, December 5, 19 and January 9, 23, 20181:00 p.m.—2:30 p.m.Dianna Sandiford • 718-787-3155 Cell: [email protected]

For Adults Grieving the Loss of a Loved One • Staten IslandThursdays: October 5, 19, November 2, 16, December 7, 21 and January 11, 25, 201810:30 a.m.—12:00 p.m.Rosanne Sonatore • [email protected]

Men Coping With Grief • ManhattanMondays • October 9, 23, November 6, 20, December 4, 18, and January 8, 22, 20186:00 p.m.—7:30 p.m.Willis Partington • [email protected]

Spanish Bereavement Group (Bi-Weekly)For Adults • ManhattanBi-Weekly Thursdays • October 5, 19, November 2, 16,December 7, 21, and January 4, 18, 20181:30 p.m.—3:00 p.m.Elizabeth Santana • 917-608-7220 [email protected]

Bi-Weekly Groups

Registration is required • Manhattan location unless specified otherwise

Weekly (Ongoing) Groups

NEW Daytime General Loss GroupForming on the Upper East SideFor Adults Whose Loved One Died on Hospice • ManhattanWednesdays • November 1, 15, and December 6, 20 and January 3, 17, 20181:00 p.m.—2:30 p.m.Janet King • 212-609-1907 • [email protected]


Workshop Testimonial

“The bereavement services

offered by VNSNY were like

an oasis in a desert. When

I started the group, I felt

isolated and alone and I felt

life had no meaning. When

the group was over, I felt

refreshed and on the path

to healing.’’

—M.H.



General LossManaging Grief in the Second Year •ManhattanFridays • October 20, November 17, December 15,and January 19, 201811:00 a.m.—12:30 p.m.Mary Kay King • [email protected]

For Adults Grieving the Death of a Loved One • BrooklynFridays • October 27 • November 17, December 15,and January 26, 20182:00 p.m.—3:30 p.m.Dianna Sandiford • 718-787-3155Cell: [email protected]

Parent LossFor Young Adults Grieving the Death of a Parent • ManhattanThursdays • October 5, November 2, December 7,and January 4, 20186:00 p.m.—7:30 p.m.Ben Weinstock • [email protected]

Sibling LossFor Adults Grieving the Death of a Brotheror Sister • ManhattanMondays • October 23, November 27, and January 22, 20186:00 p.m.—7:30 p.m.Ben Weinstock • [email protected]

Monthly Groups

Loss of an Adult ChildFor Parents Grieving the Death of an Adult Child • ManhattanWednesdays • October 11, November 8,December 13, and January 10, 20181:00 p.m.—2:30 p.m.Pamela Yew Schwartz – [email protected]

For Adults Grieving the Death of a Loved One • QueensDates and time February 2018Call ahead for group registrationJean Metzker, PhD and Ben Weinstock, LMSWJean.Metzker • 718-888-6965 • [email protected]

Registration is required • Manhattan location unless specified otherwise

Special Therapy:Reiki Therapy • QueensBy appointmentJean Metzker • [email protected]


Special Topic:Art as a Pathway to Healing

The Museum of Modern Art and VNSNY Hospice,invite you to join regularly-scheduled programsthis fall to learn about art and meet new peoplethrough interactive sessions and hands-on exploration of artists and themes in modern and contemporary art. No prior art background necessary! Family members who have had lovedones on VNSNY Hospice will be given priority. Contact MoMA Prime Time at (212) 333-1265 or [email protected] for more information



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Non-ProfitU.S. Postage

PAIDNew York, NY

Permit No.2147

VNSNY Hospice and Palliative Care

1250 Broadway, 4th floor

New York, NY 10001

LOOK INSIDE FOR: Fall 2017 CALENDAR OF EVENTS

Editor: E. Willis Partington, M.Div., LCSW-R, FTLead Bereavement Counselor

Published with the help of VNSNY’s Marketing Department.

For more information, please contact me:[email protected] or call me at 212-609-7992

Seasons of Life

A Memorial Weaving

Woven from pieces of fabriccut from shirts, blouses,scarves, dresses or other

personal items of individuals whodied, A Memorial Weaving wasbegun at VNSNY Hospice andPalliative Care in September 2007.

Inspired by a similar endeavor of the Hynes Hospice in Wichita,Kansas and developed locally byJanet King, VNSNY Hospice and Palliative Care bereavementcounselor, the Weaving is designed as a continuousmemorial with new additions each year.

As an expressive arts therapist, Ms. King is keenlyaware of the power of a weaving created from manypieces of fabric—it symbolizes and joins the love and loss of so many families.

Bereaved family members arewelcome to send fabric cuttings anytime of the year to Ms. King, so they can be incorporated into theWeaving. To contact Janet Kingplease call her: 212-609-1905 oremail her: [email protected] or write to her at: VNSNY, 1250Broadway 4th floor, NY, NY 10001.

The Memorial Weaving will be on view at the VNSNY HospiceMemorial Service, scheduled for

2:00 p.m. on Sunday, October 29, 2017 at the UnitarianChurch of All Souls at 1157 Lexington Avenue (@80th St.)in Manhattan. It will be displayed during the rest of the year at the VNSNY Hospice administrative offices in Manhattan.

A special weaving that's become a continuous memorial


new beginnings and “moving forward” · 2019-08-05 · it has been said that grief is hard work....

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