MUSTERMAGAZINE

ISSUENO.3

TableofContents

2 Moments of Silence KevinBelew3 Not Too Old KevinBelew4 Simply Complicated KevinBelew5 Coddling M.E.Brown6 Passing Bell, 1967 M.E.Brown7 Suckling Boys M.E.Brown8 Spoondrifting M.E.Brown9 Forresting M.E.Brown10Pathetic Math ChrisGould11Process KyleEnright14Untitled KyleEnright15Swimming Backwards BarbaraO’Neil16Last Dance BarbaraO’Neil17Your Bones BarbaraO’Neil18No Apologies BarbaraO’Neil19What Eats Ticks, Part 1 JohnHarkins21Alarms Ring For A Reason 3/3 KevinBelew24Lying and Dying SarahKrebs25Paris September 30th SarahKrebs27What Happens When I Drink Too SarahKrebs Many Superior Light Beers28You Never Know SarahKrebs29 Unholy Grail JohnCosta32What It Feels Like BarbaraO’Neil33Untitled KateBurke34Untitled KyleEnright

CollectedbyChrisGouldCo-EditedbyMarianaKrambsMUSTER,ALiteraryMagazine,IssueNo.3

Moments of Silence KevinBelew

Theintensityofthebigjobisdoubledwithminutedetailsquantified.

Theeverydayblockageofasuccessfulfruition.

Moldanddecayblendingwiththefloweringofamorningglory,soengrossed,thatclimbsandconquers.

Theredsandtheyellowsdroppingfromtreesinautumn,thefloodingofwinter,therestlessnessofspringandthesheddingofsummer.

Whenthebigjobisfinished,Iwillhavenoviewinconcept,I’llbesurroundedbyeternalwritersblock.

Wordswillbesaid;goodandbad.Itmightbethemomentsofsilencethatmeanthemost.

2

Not Too Old KevinBelew

I’mcontent.Ihavethefight.Inolongerneedtofeelit.

Gettingbeatupgetsold,andwillgetyounowhere.

Thevictoriesnowseem,fromthesedaysofsustainablenothingness,somethingtolatchontowhenbeatingthesystem,winninginlifearetoolsusedbytheunfortunatetofoolonewisely.

Thoughtsoffloatingandrotatingkeepmeawake.UntilthepressureoftimeCavesmyheadinwithdreams

and

I

am

asleep.

3

Simply Complicated KevinBelew

AsIthinkback,totheexcitementofmyyouth.

Ifeelfree.

Knowingnow,expunged,asIsit,write,drink,smokeandletthethoughtsfloat.ThatifIdiedtonightitwouldbetoolittletoolate.

Andtobeokaywiththis,Mayseemunacceptable.ButmeaslyandstressfreeIam.

Youseetobethissimpleiscomplicatedtosomewhowantittobe.

4

Coddling M.E.Brown

erringhimdousingtheebullientchoirofarchives

motheringhimcatchingthespindlingmareneckingbreast

bottlesintheden,agatelikeloopingmilkcurtains,dark-greenlivingroom

splashesofusagainstthebrunt-sourwallsmoorintheflitsheeringdisuseofappetite

onthefloorfreckledinthedinningcanterofdirtlickingouracerbicunarmoredhands

caughtgallonthemustardcoloreddecksewninSwedishbotanicaltapestrywoveninchocolatefloralnouveau

livingroomlawnthrowninrichgrassysod-likeveneeropaquerugslainoverhardwoodedpastures

alongthespackleculledwallanoverturetoourwaking

ourshoulderbladesclunkamainthemolding.

5

Passing Bell, 1967 M.E.Brown

furnishthesweetroom,anchorittocallousfloors,wedance;splinteringthesolesofourtrampledshoes.netherduskinthelight.

Nehemiah’sinthehall,heneglectshislimbs,barrelingchestcontouredandmeantonlyforbrawls,expositionsoflight;thecandleticklingthechinofdarkness,puff,thestarchyafterbirth—curdlinginaswarthydust,lightedout.

Lord,forwhenthebrideisinhiskindness;Thebruteisinherkitchen.Akintohimself;winebatteringaboutinbelly;hissystolichymn—themountainshemorrhageathishands,heliftsustothetrees,withkneelingneckstheyheel,sallowinpasture,idleinrain;come,come;Iswingyou,latheryou,batheyouinassembly,ensilagedmouth,webbedundertonguecleftthattastedofsyrup,Ilicked,yesclothed,yes,Itwasatundraofmuscle.

YouaresickaspininghideHeclearedthetreesWerejoicetogether;Nobuildingsthere—fieldfulloftroughsbedinthecanteringdecayedfleshofstonepines.

6

Suckling Boys M.E.Brown

gobbleduptherowhousesafterthebig-timestormcamepouncinginonitsbald-heels

whiffetcomelythroughthenosewiththetareyedsmokejingles

cornerof30thand—volleyinglegstrampleattacks

whinnyinghiccoughcrushingtobaccounderhoof

boys’blackdentedchinswornchappytuftedinhairs

stickingthegumundertheirtonguesthenchewingfromthegutters

(and)buddingfromtheflangethetipsofcigarettesdanglefromtheirspeckledmuzzles

7

Spoondrifting M.E.Brown

combingthroughanapiarywearingsweetvanillatartburntandmewing

cannotheartheclangoroftheirdomesticatedfeetcannotclothethenoisome

shallowthenintothebarbedwingsburrowingremedialplashes

ethericonlyiftheflutteringstemscurlingthetightfistofitsleaves

orisitascepterthecoronetdroppingjewelsinspindrift

8

Foresting M.E.Brown

allthenit’ssinwaylaying‘tweentwotress

blisteringbrunetteshantyback‘longthewater

capewadingthroughboughlappingbranch—aureatesail

‘roundhisnecktautbeardedoverwind

curtailingthebanks,theheavysplayofwoods

feralthicketstalkbelowthebudswindlingleaf

bruisedappendageoffloratwinklingthroughthegrove

hewasswimminginthem

9

Pathetic Math ChrisGould

Thatlookonthefarmersworkingthemarketinbetweensalesandduring,thefarmerispittingthewaysandthemeansversustheoutcome:fourdollarshere,onedollarthere...bigsaleof6.75.Whilethefarmercalculates;it’sapproximate-ly18dollarsingas,moneyforfees.IfIgettothefarmatnine,loadthetruck,driveintotown,setthingsup,sitthere,thenbreakitdown,driveback,unload;that’saneighthourday.So,onedaylaborcosts,thenthegas,thenthemarketfeesandgivingthe‘farmfresh’peoplethircutofthetopshelfgoods,thatsallbeforethecostofproducingallthisfood,thatnowsitsinashopwindowunderaredlightdancingslowlyandwithagracethatseemstoosubtletonoticeatfirst.Andsothepeoplewalkbyunintriguedtothecupcakelady.I,theproducepimp,leanagainstahandrailinadoorwaypickingmyteethabsentmindedlyandcurs-ingundermybreatheverytimeapotentialJohnwalksby,“...allthatexpensivecompost,allthetendernurturing,loveandaffection...andtheyjustwalkonby...gahdamrecession.”Hecontemplatesmovingbackinwithhissisteruntilheisdistractedbyanotherbiteontheline,“pff.Justanotherhand-job,”dejected,“Ishouldastayedinbed...”

Theonlysolaceofthedaywasfoundinoneofthelady’speanutbuttercup-cakes,uponthefirstnibbleofwhich,Ihadforgotteneverythingofmytroublesandbudgetingcrisis,liftedthreefeetintotheairandhoveredwhilstawarmgentlebreezeenvelopedme.Easingbackintorealityasit’smorselsintegratewithmymorsels,fillingsomesmallvoidorextinguishingsomesmolderingembers.Morereliefintheformofdistractionwheneverybirdfromtheadjacentparkswoopedoverthetentandswungthreemassivelapsaroundthetransitmall,bankingwideandslowandjustmissingthetreetops.

Howdoesthatfeeltosellpeoplesugarcakes?Howwouldthatladyfeelifsomeobeseso-and-socamehuffingupallbyitselfandgotonedozencupcakes?Bad?Weird?Obviouslyshecouldn’tbeheldaccountableforanythinganyoneelsedoestothemselves,andfranklyIwouldneverhadconsideredthepossibilityofanyregardwhatsoever;we’realltryingtosellstufftoeattolive,butsittinghere,workingthe“retail”endofthisfood/agriculturalsector,Ican’thelpbuttocomparethisexperience,frommyend,withsimilaremploymentsinmypast.IcansayunequivocallythatI-thatthisexchangethatIammediatingisafairone.Maybeevenanimportantone.Whichisdifferentthanprobablyeveryothertimewhenithadbeenmyjobtosellpeoplethings.......interesting.“AllIsaid...wasthatitwasint-eresting.”[Iswear]Betweenthewindandtherainandthecrazypeople;theguywiththeheadphoneswhocameupandjustputhishandonthewintersquashforlike30seconds,thepoorsales;it’sagoodthingtheygotprettygirlstolookatdownhere.

Thepeopledrivingtrucks;theysmokeastheypass-adifferentkindofjob.

10.09.0912:13p-1:27pKennedyPlazaFarmer’sMarket,Providence,RhodeIsland

10

Process KyleEnright

its’s9:45pmi’msittinginacoldhouse.It’ssoempty,imnoteveninit.

amechanicalhumfillstheroom.It’stheonlythingintheroom.

Deadlinesdon’treallyservemewell.

“iusedtobehere,iusedtobealive”

Igrabthebottle,stare,think.

“youfeelsoniceinmyhands”

acomfortingreminder.howimissyouwhenyouareaway.

Itakealonghardpull.

themouthwaters.chills,sweat,unbearablewarmth.thestomachshutters,thebodyshakes.ahandtightlyclaspsthethroat.backdownitgoes.relief.

Acomputerscreenlightsmysurroundings.Anemptywhitepage.Thecursorblinks.

It’snevereasy.

Igiveitsometime,takeanotherdrink.

thereisnothinginmyheadsoifillitwithmorebrownliquid.fluidfillsthevoidofdiscplacedgreymatter.

theinternaltalkradioprogrammingbegins.

“thereitis”

it’sanightlysyndication.endlessthoughts,warmdiscourse.

11

thebloodbrainbarrierpenatrated.

softlaughterdrownsoutdeafeningnoise.

maybeicancollectmyself,giveitapurpose.

“whatdoesthatlittlevoiceinsideyourheadtellyou?”

handsgesturewildy,eyesmoveabout,limbsflail,whyamishouting?

“well?”

Musicplaysinthebackground.mybottlesitsnexttome.anemptyshotglassnexttoit.Itstareslongingly.

itissuicidal.

“ifidrinkallofyourcontentsthenaren’tyoudead?don’tiwin?”

ialmostthrowupagain.fightingoffthatfeeling.vomitrisesinmythroat.pushing,churning,fire.likeafurnace.alastlongcringe,thenit’sgone.Beautiful.

“iwillstealyourbrownliquidsoul,youworthlessfuck.”

Istarttyping.

thewordsfallfrommyfingertips.idonotthink,ijustwrite.icontinuewithoutmeaning,istareatthekeyboardwithwideeyes.it’samazinghowfastmyfingersmove.idonotrecountwhatiswritten.ijustkeepgoing.pressbuttons,wordsform.

Ilookatmyprogress.dissapointment.

“heymisterliquorman,i’mnotevenclosetofull.youaresofuckingclosetoempty.”

it’snotworking.i’mnotworking.maybeitsthemoment.maybeit’snotright.ormaybeit’srightnow.maybei’mjustdrunk.

amomentpassessoquicklyhowdoyouevenliveone?

Thebourboncontinuestopourintomymouth.idonotcare,ijustdrink.icontinuewithoutpurpose.istareattheglasswithwateringeyes.it’samazinghowfasttheliquorgoesdown.idonotrealizehowmuchihavehad.Ijustkeepdrinkingfornogoodreason.pourbottle,thoughtsform.

Ilookatmyprogress.moredissapointment.

Iguessthismomentisover.

wordsstop.nomorekeystrokes.thebottlesitscoldandempty.drainedofeverydrop.iamfinished.itistoo.

“youusedtobehere.youusedtobealive.”

Untitled KyleEnright

thesepicturessurroundmetheyaresomeoneelse’slifeartifactsofanexistanceoneididnotexistin

iwishicouldhaveknownherinsteadoffillingintheblankseverysingleglimpseitakeit’sonlywhatsheshowsme

ifiwasinthosephotoswouldwebeherenoworwouldibeabsentwithsomeoneelsewondering

ifiwaswithyouthenwoulditbethesame

14

Swimming Backwards BarbaraO’Neil

SincethatdayonthesandIhavelostmyfaith.It’slost.Thedoubtisfromtheinsideout.SincethatdayswimmingbackwardsI’velostmypatience.It’slost.Iwantitnow;wanttohideitwhereyouwon’tfindit.YoukeepyoursecretsandIkeeprecoveringfromdumb.Ishelteredyoufromyourownpurposeandit’salreadymisshapingyouridiosyncrasies.You’vesufferedenough.Thiscookiecutterlovekeptyoublindedandboundtomywiles.SincethatdayI’vefanciedyoulikemyperceptionoftheskyfalling.Itiedaknotandwatchedyoursquirm.OhhowIwishyoucouldseemyheartyearningforyoursurrender.CountingthesecondstillIwillbejustlikeyou.YoukeepyourlullabiesandIkeepmisreadingthewritingonthewall.Isecludedyourglowfromdaylightandyou’resunburned.You’vewreckedthisspace.Thisguardhasfallendownandthecarrionsmellssomethingsour.SincethatdayIhavegonetoofarandswallowedmytongue.Ipushedtoohardandwecanbarelytouchitbeforeitfallsapart.

Thelustisfromoutsidein.Theshriveledhopesofyoursandminecollide.

15

Last Dance BarbaraO’Neil

I’msadsickofthatdecrepitlookofhate.NowI’mstuckuponthiscrucifixandit’sjusttoolate.Yesterdayyouwerefullofsmiles,TodayI’mmadsickofyourdenial-oftruth.TellingmyselfIshouldhaveknownbetter nottoletyoucreepintomydarkshadow.Shouldhaveputthatladderupagainstthedoorkeptmyselffromcomingbackformore.Currentlytrappeddespiteallofmymight thesewoundedwingshinderedfromanyflight boundtosuddenfitsoflaughter-nothingmakessenseanymoreIdon’twantanymore!

Thisismyvacationfromconstantmisery,yetI’mstuckwithoutthekeytoFreedomofeverythought

WishIwouldhaveboughtthatboatwhenIhadachanceSetsailinsteadofanxiouslywaitforourlastdance.

16

Your bones BarbaraO’Neil

Takingchances.Secondglances.Iamwellbeyondyou.Yourtragedybesiegesme.Toounderprivilegedtonoticeyourdefeat.Toodefianttobelieveanything.Nobodyknowsmeandnobodyofferstheirlies.Ibenefitfromyourblows.Icanlearnfromthewaterinyoureyesthatlifeisjustasymphonyofshatteredhopes.Icangiveyouthesunshineifyougivemeyourbones.Builttodenythecataclysmicsharedlifewearedoomedtoindestiny.Icantakeyouwherenobodyseesyouandnobodywantstoknowyourtwistedspine.

17

No Apologies BarbaraO’Neil

IdidaveryshittythingtonightAndIhavenomeanstomakeAnysortofamendmentssincenowEverythinghastranspiredintoSHIT.CometothinkofitshithasBeenspewingoutofmylifeforQuitesometimenow.AmIsofarDetachedfromrealitythatIexistonAnentirelydifferentplanereferredToasSHITCENTRAL?AmIsuchaHorriblepartofeveryone’slivesThatI’mknownasTHESHITGIRL?AmIevenagirloramImereSHIT?Amatchwon’ttamethisdisaster.

Alone,andrightfullyso,inmyOwnhome. InevermeanttocausethisharmYetI’vemanagedtochopoffmyownarm

Itriedtofeedittoyoutopreventmefromfeelinglessblue

Anotherbystanderovertakenbythisunnecessarydestruction.IAMONEBIGFUCKINGCOMBUSTION! Ofmiseryandgooddeeds PainandneglectedneedsShame,Blame,Lame-Youname…

InevermeanttocausethisharmNO,Iwasnotraisedinabarn; I’mtenderandtrue and Indebtedtoyou.

I’msorry.

18

What Eats Ticks, Part 1 JohnHarkins

“Eh,yougotoneonyou” “Where,where” “Comer,it’sonyourback” “Agh,ah-getit” Theywerecrunchingthroughtheunderbrush,itgrewthickthesedays.Nooneburneditnomore,everyonewasscaredoffires,andnoonerememberedhowtodoitrightanyway.Thetreesweresmall,third,fourth,fifth,sixthre-growthwithinthose360years.Housesconfinedtograsscubicles,9generationsofpartitioningpioneersmeticulousintheirmisconceptions.Thisprogresswasalwayslookingforward,notimelookingback,justprospectsandprofits. Thesetwochildrenofthewoodskneedeepinmuckwerealostrebel-lion,ploddingalongsnaggingshouldersandshinsonthebramblesofbranches.Theywentwalkingeveryday,itdidn’tmatterwhere,butalwaysthroughthewoods.Thisroamingromancegrewsmallereveryyear,theirconversationscondensedandconcentratedwhiletheforestgrewsmaller.Invisibleboxwallsofreclusiveneighborsencroached,turfsprayedupongradedearth,intrudingontheircollectivecommongroundofthorns. Thetwohadplentytotalkabout,butlesstolookatsotheyendedupatthebar.TherewasaTVinthere,alwaysonplayingMTIorsports.ThePop-cornboxpoppedgreasyrobotkernelssprayedwithcandybutter,asthebottlebeerbrewedwithtapwaterandfearflowedtorrents.Thiswasallbydesign,ofcourse. Atthebarthecoupleusuallytalkedwithexcitementforawhile,butsoonthehumandbuzzcarriedtheireyesandearstocontrivedlandsofmythicreality.Farawayplacesthey’dnevervisit,filledwithpeoplelookingexactlylikethem,they’dneverseeagain.

“Justgetitoffmequickplease!” “Allright,alrightIgotem.” Crouchedinthebrush,clutchingthecreaturebetweenhisthumbandforefingerhepulleditoffherneck.Gentlyheputthelittleheadslightlyovertheedgeofhisrightthumbnail.Inonesharpmovement,theleftthumbguil-lotinemechanicallyandunceremoniouslypoppedthebugsheadoff.Thebloodofamillionmammalsswelledasmallbubbleatthetopofthebody…withadisgustedflickMoodydroppedtheexoskeletoncarcasstothegroundinvisibly.

“Ifuckinghateticks.YouknowIdeclaredwaronthelittlebastardsright?” “Really?”shesaidpretendingshehadneverheardthisbefore. “Yup…whenI’mdone,therewon’tbeanotheroneofthoselittlesuck-ersonthisisland.” Thetruthwastheyhadthissamelittledanceeveryday,andshealwayspretendedthiswasthefirsttimeshehadeverheardhisdecree. Thewoodswereinfested,youcouldn’twalkastepwithoutatickwav-ingitslittlearmsandcatchingaride.Bothoftheirskinhadbecomesensitive,itwasaveryparticularfeelingthelittlescurrybeforethebite.Instanceandinstincthadhonedtheirmuscleswhichinvoluntarilynabbedtheparasiteasitmadethegreatscramble.Moodyalwaysmutilatedthem,whileChuriceusually19

justflickedthemoutofsightandoutofhermind. Moodywouldpinchtheinsect,proclaimhisdeclarationofwar,thensnaphisthumbnails.Hedidthisallthewhileaskingtheaudienceiftheythoughtitpossiblehecouldridtheislandofthismenacinginsect.Somenoddedyeswithencouragement,someweredisgusted,somewereinterestedinhisprofi-ciencyinslaughteringthebug,andmostwouldsincerelysay“Idoubtit.” Mostpeoplenow-a-dayswereinfectedwiththeticksickness,andmostofemdidn’twanttotalkorthinkaboutit.Thiswasallbydesign,ofcourse. MoodyandChuricecontinuedonthedeertrail,silentforasecondasthewordmomentumgainedsteamintheirthroats. “Itfeelssogoodinhere…Ihatelookingatthattowerallthetimeoutthere.” “Iknow,IthinkthisistheonlyplaceontheislandIdon’tfeelitwatch-ingme.” Thewordssunkinastheysqueezedthroughapatchofgreenbriar,thenontheothersidetheirconversationpickedbackup. “Irememberasakid,mypopswouldtellmeboutdaysbeforetheybuiltthatthing.” “Moody,youmeanyourdadwasalivebeforeitgotbuilt?” “Ohyeah,itwasputupwhenhewasagradyschooler,theycutdownallthoseacresofbigforestandploppedittherethesamemonth.” “IwishIwasalivethen,beforethetower” “Yeahmetoo…ahwell,it’sadifferentworldnow-a-daysanyways.” Theywereontheedgeofthewoodsstandingupontheprecipiceoflife,theysteppedoutontothesidewalk.ShadyLanewasfamiliarwithit’sneatgreensquaresterminatingperfectlyatthechemicalcrackseparatingthecement.Thesoundofahundredthousandlawncutters,weedwhackers,leafbellowersanddirtsuckers,screamedfromthebackyards,astheystrolledinthesunlightonshadylane. TheMindyBarsatsquareahead,theynoddedtotheregularsastheypassedthroughthedoorsteppinguptothebar,takingtheirplace.Abowlofpopcorn,candycoated,appearedbeforethemandsoontheywereswallowedbytwosterilizedjugsofglug.MeanTeenIslandwasjustgettingstartedonthebigscreen,andeveryonesettledintowatchtoday’sepisode.

Alarms Ring for a Reason, Part 3/3 KevinBelew

“DamnJustintakeiteasy.”TracysaidasshewasknockedbackbyJustin.“Ohshitsorry,sorryTracy.”Tracywasonherass,parked,inthepark-inglot.Sheshothimapissedglance,“Whatthefuck?”SamanthawasquicktodefendJustin,“Ohshit,Tracy,weweretryingtogetawayfromthisdrunkbitchinthere.”Ginolooked,dumbfounded,caughtinthemiddle.Tracywasstillonherass,alittlebuzzedevidently.Ginowalkedoverandpickedherup.TracylookedatSamantha,“Wellisthisbitchthatbad?Because,prettymuch,shecausedmetogetknockedonmyasshereandnowIfeellikeknockingsomebodyontheirass.”Ginoalittletickledsaid,“No,ifit’sthegirlIthinkitis,she’snotworthit.”GinolookedoveratJustinandJustinnoddedtohim.GinolookedoveratTracythenbackatJustin,“Justinwherewegoing?”JustinbynowhadSamantha’sarminhis.Hefeltitwouldbeagoodnightsohesaid,“Fuckit.LetsheadovertoOscar’splace.”Ginolitup,“OhyeahIforgotaboutArch’smessage.Letsdoit.”JustinwinkedatSamanthaandledhertothepas-sengersideofthecaddyandopenedthedoor.ShesteppedinasTracyandGinotooktheirseatsintheback. GinoandTracywerecoolinthebackseatthistimeasJustingotontothehighway.JustinaskedGino,“HeywhereexactlyisOscar’sagain?”Ginotoldhim,“Itsthreemoreexits,thengoleftbackoverthehighwayandfollowthattillyouhitcityparkroad.Takethatrightandit’sattheendontheright.”SamanthasqueezedJustin’sarmalittle,“Sowhat’sgoingonoveratOscar’stonight?”Justinglancedatherquickly,“Idon’tknowexactly?MyfriendArchiecalledandleftamessagethattheywerehavingapartyoverthere.Andthattherewouldbelotstodrinkandsmoke.”Ginosidebustedinontheconver-sation,“Ahheknowswhat’sgoingonoverthere.There’llbeacouplebandsandashitloadofpeople.”Justinlaughedalittle,“Yeahhe’sright.That’smostlikelywhatit’llbe.” Theygottotheendofcityparkroadandturnedrightintoagraveldriveway.Theywentpastthehousewheretheycouldseealitupbarn,filledwithpeople,inthedistance.Theyparkedshortlyafterthehousewhereabouttwentyothercarswereparked.Justinbackedhiscarinthespotthatwasfarthestfromthebarnbuttheclosesttothehouse.TheygotoutandSamanthaasked,“Sowhat’supwiththebarn?”Justinanswered,“It’swherethebandsplayandprettymuchwheretoparty.”Theywerewalkingtowardsthebarn,abouthalfwaytherewhentheystartedtoheartheelectricguitarsanddrums.SamanthaturnedtoJustin,“HeyJustinIforgotmypurse,Ihadacouplejointsinit,wouldyouwalkwithmebacktothecar?”JustinyelledovertoGino,“HeyGinodidyoubringanyweedwithyou?”Ginolookedback,“NahmanIjustbroughtsomepillsandcoke.”Justinyelledback,“YouguysgoaheadI’mgonnawalkSamanthabacktothecar.Sheleftacoupleofjointsinherpurse.”GinoandTracydidn’tmissabeatastheykeptwalking.JustinturnedtowardSamanthaandtheywalkedbacktothecar. “Soyou’veneverbeenherehuh?”JustinaskedSam.Shehadherarminhisagain.“No.I’veheardofthisplacethough.”Justinlookeddownastheywalked.Theyweresilentforawhile.“Yaknow,Idon’treallyknowyouatall,Iwaswonderinghowoldyouare.”Samanthasmiledandtoldhim,“I’mtwenty-fourrightnow.”Justinlookedoverather,“What’sthatsupposedtomean,rightnow?”Samanthalaughed,“ItmeansthatintwodaysI’llbetwenty-21

five.”Justinfeltrelieved.Samanthablurted,“Whyhowoldareyou?”Justinstilllookingather,“Well,Iamtwenty-five,rightnow.”Shesmiledevenlargerthanbefore,“Good,it’snicetobewithsomeonemyownage.”Theywerebackatthecar. JustingotthedriversdoorunlockedandletSamanthain.Shegotin,movedtothepassengerseatandmotionedforhimtogetintosaying,“Heygetinhereletssmokeoneofthesejointstogether.” Justingotintothecar.HesatdownatthewheelandturnedhisbodyrighttowardsSamanthaassheputthejointtohermouthandraisedthelightertoit.Shetookahitandhandedhimthejoint.SamanthastaredatJustinasshespoke,“YouknowInoticedyoustaringatmeatGino’s.”Justincoughedabitfromthejointandspokeinawheeze,“Nono.”Heregainedhiscomposure,“Nono,Isawyoustaringatme,besidesyouofferedmethatjointremember.”Samanthatookthejointbetweentwofingers.“You’rerightIdidofferyouthatjoint.Ithoughtthatitwasveryniceofyoutooffermethebeer.Nomatterwhatitwas,KingCobra.”ShetookanotherhitandpasseditbacktoJustin.Justintookthejointandlookedather.“HeyI’vegotaseriousquestionforyou.”SamanthastartedtosaysomethingbutJustincuthershortwithoutknowingit.“Doyoureallythinkthatamanandawomancanmakeitfaithfully-”JustinwascutoffbySamantha,“Don’tevenworryJustin.Ifeelverycomfortable.Nowareyougoingtohitthejoint?”Justinblushedinthenightandhitthejoint.Shedeclinedsoheleanedforwardandputitoutintheashtray.Ashepulledhisheaduphenoticedshehadmovedalittlecloser.Theystaredateachotherandsheaskedhim,“Wellareyougoingtokissmeorwhat?”Justinputhisarmaroundherwaist,pulledherinandkissedher… Justinlookedather.Shehadexceededanyaestheticexpectations.‘Shelooksgreatnaked.’Justinthought.“Heywhenwasthelasttimeyoumadeitinacar?”Samanthalaughedloudly.“Ilikethat,”shesaid“madeit.What,areyoufromtheseventies?”Justinsaid,“Icouldhaveeasilyaskedyou,‘Whenwasthelasttimeyoufuckedinacar’.”“NoIlikemadeit.Itsclassy.”Shesaid.Shedidn’tanswerthequestion.Hedidn’tcareanymore.Justinkissedheronthemouth,“Alrightletsgetbacktotheparty.Someonemightthinkwewerefuckinginthecar.”Sherespondedquickly,“Makingit!” JustinandSamanthawalked,arminarm,backtowardsthebarn.AstheyapproachedtheentrancetheysawGinoandTracyjustoutside.Acrowdin-sidepacked.Bodieswereseenjostlingoneanotherandoccasionallyonewouldflyoutofthebarnandrushbackin.Themusic,someformofpunkormetal,wasassaulting.Itflaredoutdistortedlikebuckshotpiercingthemallardcausingthemtoslamtogetherandrunincircles.AtribalfuckyoudancetotheU.C. “HeyGino!”JustinyelledtappingonGino’sshoulder.“Hey,whereyouguysbeen?”yelledGinogrinning.Justintoldhim,“Wegotherpurseandendedupsmokingoneofthejoints!”GinolookedthroughthecrowdthenturnedtowardsJustin,“Letsgetouttahere!Youseethosebagsofshitoverthere?”Ginopointedthroughthecrowdtowardsacoupleofguysattheotherendofthebarn.Justinlookedoverandrecognizedtheguys.“AhfuckitGino,they’reharmless,they’rejustabunchofobliviousassholes!”Themusiccontin-uedtoblastandthemallardsfellandtwistedandgotbackup. Justindrovebackupcityparkroadtookaleftthenarightandwasback

onthehighwaygainingspeed.Hepickedituptoabouteightyandthegirlsgotalittlenervous.Tracyprotested,“Justinslowdownabit,huh?”Justinrealizedhewasspeedingandsloweditdowntosixty-five. Itwaseasyforhimtogetlostintheluxury(ofhisfourdoorCadillac)thatcouldeasilyfiteight,withsomeextrabodiesinthetrunk. SamanthamouthedthankyoutoJustinforslowingdown. AstheCadillacgotclosertoJustin’shouse,helookedoverandsawthecrimescenefromearlier,heasked,“Heyyouguyswannagrabthatbottleandgoovertothatparkwherethatkidgotkilled?”Everyoneagreedthatitwouldbeagreatideatodosomeprivateinvestigating. Justinpulleduptohishousecurbsideandparked.Hetoldthemtowaitoutsidehe’dbebackwiththebottleinasecond.Hewasinandoutandcamebacklaughing,“Sorryguysthisisallwegotleft.”JustinheldoutthebottleofOldCrowwithonlythedregsofthebottleleft.Helaughedagainandsaid,“Don’tworrywecangohitthecornerstorefiveblocksdown.” TheywalkedtothestoreandJustinpurchasedapintofOldCrow.Theywalkedbacktowardsthehouseandcrossedthestreettotheparkwherethemur-derhadbeencommitted.Theysawasignontheentrancetothepark.Theysawrosaries,crucifixes,wreathsandhandwrittensignsattachedtothefence.Therewasalsoanofficialsignthatread,“Crimesceneentrydenieduntilclearancehasbeenissued.”Gino,alittlefuckedup,said,“Fuckit.”Hejumpedtheentrancefenceandwasinthepark.Theotherthreefollowedsuit.Theywalkedpastthebleachersandontothebaseballfieldwheretheygottowhatlookedlikealargedarkstainontheinfield.Theystoppedjustshortofitandhadanimpromptumo-mentofsilence.Theystoodsilentstaringatthestain.Justinspokeupfirst,“ManIhaveneverbeenthisclosetoamurderscenebefore.”Hetoldthemofhowhehadseenthepolicequestioningthekidsearlier.OfhisimaginingsandhowtheyhadmatcheduptoTracy’srecount.“Canyoubelievethis?Imeanthiskidsparentsandhisfamily.Andtomorrowtherewillbekidsstampingtheinfieldnotgivingafuck.”Heopenedthepintbottlepouredalittleoutandtookagoodpull.“Imeanfuck.Ifeelnothingatthisscene.Notonebitofempathy.Peopleareborn,peopledieandtheearthkeepsspinning.Ifeelnothingbut…”Hetrailedoffandpassedthebottle.Samantha,staringatthestain,sawthebottleperipher-ally.Shegrabbedit,staringatthestain,hadagooddrinkandpassedit,staringatthestain.

Lying and Dying SarahKrebs

IcoulddietomorrowpeacefullytrustmeIhavealreadyswamnakedinthosebluebluewarmwatersthatyouseeonyourtv(coastofSpainbaby)smokedsomanyjointsenoughtowipeoutoneofthosegrowfarmsupinmendocinobeeninlovewithyoulongenoughevenstillaphonecallfromyoustillsendsshockwavesthroughmyheartandallthatshitafteralltheseyearsdarlineventhoughIaminlovewithsomeoneelseandthereisallthatbluebluewaterseparatingmeandhimyouontheotherhandarenotsofarawayandinmylifeIhavelovedyoumoreinmylifeIhavedoneitallIcandiepeacefullytrustme

24

Paris September 30th SarahKrebs

andeveryotherdayinSeptembergoeslikethiswakenoearlierthan11amalthoughhisalarmstartsringingsometimesat9“sowhatdoyoudoalldayinPariswithallyourfreetime?”“nothingdoesitlooklikeIdosomething?”theenglishdjisoffendedsaysthefrencharepretentioussayshecan’tfindanyXbesidesthefrenchsnortcokeonepartyafterthenextallabadjokegototheatmbaddestjokeofalldidn’tbringenoughcashorpartyonlydressesthatiswhyIwantedtodrinktheteaevenwitheveryonebeingheresothatthenestwouldfallfromthetreewemakeloveagainstmothernature’swishesIknowIwillbetheonetopayIstarttothinkthisanotheroneofyourtestsifitisIcouldcarelessrevisionthetitleofthispoemisParisSeptember28THIlosttrackofthedaysmylungsrevolttheconstantinfernoinmythroatnowbeweenmylegsotherthingstranspireIhavebeenmadeawomanandre-madeawomaninParisyoueitherhaveragsoryouhaverichesifyouknowtherightpeoplethepartiesarefunchampagnedinnerscherriesripeforthepickingthemorningsnotrealityreallynotbillstopay

25

notcitiestobombjustyouandmewoundupincloudsofcoverstouchingalloveryouwillnotteasemetillwearesittingproperlyatthebreakfasttablesomaywestayinbedabitlongerdear?mothernatureforgetsandforgivesshehasgotmoreimportantmatterstodealwiththanwhatgoesonbetweenawoman’slegs

What Happens When You Drink Too Many Superior Light BeersSarahKrebs

IhaveonesuperiorlightbeerbytheendofthebottlethereisnothingsuperioraboutitmymommatellsmetorestIthinkIhavebeenrestingthenIrememberthinkingispuremurderIwakeupinParismyfrenchisflawlessmythighsareperfectthebabyonmyhipisnotafigmentofmyimaginationoutthewindowgoesalltheconditionssometimesIforgetIamstrongerthanIgivemyselfcreditformybreastwerequitethestatementnowtheyaresilentjustteardropsrollingdownhischeekwejokeaboutimplantsIsomehowmanagetokeepmyselfrespectintactshudderatthethoughtofwomenwhobirthbabieswhiletheyhavetheirtitsinflatedIlookintheeyesofmybabyIlookintheeyesofmyloveronehashisconditionstheotherdoesn’t

27

You Never Know SarahKrebs

gravitypullsdownourinneroceanstuningoutthetuningstheselessonslearnedonlytobesweptunderthefloorforwehavefailedanywaygiveitallthefingerifItoldyouthatIknowexactlywhatyouarefeelingIwouldn’tbutImayandyoumightpullyourselfoveranotherledgeandIwillnotbetheretocomfortyou

28

Unholy Grail JohnCosta

“Let’splayacardgame,”S.suggested. “Soundsgood,”T.agreed. Iwashesitant.“Whatgamearewegoingtoplay?”Iasked. “We’regoingtoplayEgyptianRatScrew.”S.insisted. Thesmallupstairsapartmentwasclutteredwithbooksandvideogames.ATVlaysidewaysonthecarpetamongsttheemptyfoodwrappers.Thelightingbeingunusuallybrightgaveoffastagnantheat,andthereIwas,inachairatthesmallroundtablewithtwopeopleIthoughtIknew. SowestartedplayingthisgameI’dneverheardof,Iwastoodistractedtocaremuchandjuststaredatthedeckandthebackofthebicyclecardswithdistanteyes.Alltheintricatecoloredlinesandthetwoopposingcherubwiththethinwhiteborder.Iswallowedmyphlegm;we’dbeensmokinghashishallnight.Thecardshadthatperfecttextureforgrippingandslidingacrossthetable,S.shuffledthemwithease.Thefacesoftheirroyalfamilyandtheunaffectedeyesastheystoodonthefaceofthecardinblandprimarycolorswereswipedintoadeckdividedamongstthethreeofus. Therules,saidtoinvolvepilingcardsinasettoaparticularmethodandslappingthesetupontriggeredpatternsthatjustweren’tthere.Iwasstonedanddidn’treallycareplusIwasgettingantsyandtiredandfeltclaustrophobic. “Alright,I’mtakingoff.” Istoodupandgavetheobligatorypeaceoutthenwalkedoutthedoorclosingitbehindme.Theskywasdarkandfullofomniscientcloudsofdoomwithacoldfogandcrispbreezeblowingelectricitythroughtheair;Isteppedouttotheconcreteandletoutadeepsightothewinternight. Iwenttomycardimlylitunderthecarportandgotin.Crumpledciga-rettepacks,termpapers,books,tapesscatteredthebrownleatherinterior,oldcarsmellandstalesmoke.Ipulledoutofthelotandheadedhome.Iturnedontheheaterandpushedinthecigarettelighterafterpressingplayonthetapedeck. AlocalbandcalledDesertCitySoundtrack;Igotthedemotapefromtheshowattheinnofthebeginning.Smokingmycigarettelisteningdeeplytothemelancholictrumpetsighingoverthedownedtempopianomelodies,allcomplimentedbydrumsandcrescendosofsoundclipsfromrareindependentfilms. Therewasnooneelselostonthegreyfreeway,itwaslateandaweek-nightinmyhometown,Iturnedintosuburbiaandparkedacrossfromthehouse.Thewhitecherubstatuettesatthereonthepicketfencewithitsbabyangelwingsanditschippedsmiletowardsme. Iturnedoffthecarandjustsatthereforasecondbreathingthecoldairdownmythroatandintomylungs,listeningtothetape.Itfadedouttosilenceandreeledtoaclick. Ididn’twanttogoinside.Ididn’twanttogetoutofthecar. So,lookingforanothertapeinthecenterconsoleIfoundablankcassetteIwasn’tfamiliarwith,ithadjustonelabelwithchickenscratchesofa“HappyBirthday,”agift? Whatstartedoutpoorlyrecordedguitarchordscuthalfwaythroughachorusabruptlybrokenbydeeplaughter?Thentosoundsofameagerparty. Ijerkedmyheadtotherightasafigureappeareddirectlyoutsideofmypassengerwindow,agiantanddarklytranslucentprayingmantisswayingback29

andforthmenacinglystaringcoldintomyeyes,itwantedtoeatmealive. ParalyzedbyfearIstaredintoitskillereyes. Thetapebuzzedtothefearandtwohighelfvoiceschatteringandlaughingindifferentatthesituations. “Thebug’snotreal.” “Huh?” “Itistheshadowofthetrees.” Theywereright,itwastheshadowofthetrees...swayinginthewind,yetstillIstaredandlistenedasthisforeignghostsurroundedtheatmospheretakingholdofthesituation. “Moveyourheadleftupthere.”Themachineelvescommandedmyeverymove.Bewildermentfilledmyparalyzedbodyupanddownsmearedwithrelicfearsofsomedemonicforce. “Muahahahahahahahaha!”Thehighpitchedelveslaughedinhystericalsequenceandsynchronicity.Allmyfearsweretransmittedthroughthehauntedtape.InutterdreadIfellintothishypnosisstaringintotheinsecteyesswayingbackandforth. Iswallowedmyfearandgotoutofthecarlookingbothways,andslidthetapeinmypocketandwalkedthroughthedoor. Itossedandturnedinmybed,mybodystiffandancient,crumblinglikeastatueorafallenidol,stuckininsomnia.Ijustlaythereeyeballsstaredintotheceilingandbeyond… Igotupandtookthetapeoutanddecidedtofigureitout. Icopiedittomycomputer,sloweddownIheardaconversationaboutforeignpolicyduringworldwartwoandslowedfurtheritdrewouttoabuzzingsoundyetclearlythechantof“SixSixSix.”Themarkofthebeast… Whathadjusthappened? Demonicpossession? SuddenlyitwasfreezingcoldandIcouldseemybreath.Ishutthecomputerdownasmynervesdidthesame,closingthewindowIflippedtheblinds,andfellasleep. IdreamtIwaswaitingatthetransit;noonewastherebutme. Andeverythingwasgrey. Adyingwindblewtrashdownthestreet.Thethoughtofagirlcrossedmymindbutonlybrieflythenthethoughtdisappearedlikethedustinthegut-ters. Igotupandstartedtowalk;Iturnedacornerandstumbledupsomestairs.ItgotdarkeranddarkerasIfollowedthestepsintothedark,andthenitwasallblack,exceptinthecementthere,aluminescentshininglampemittingdarknessthroughanenigmaofthickectoplasmsmokeradiatingshadowaslight. InstinctivelyIreachedforthelamp. AsItoucheditIawokeinbedwithmyeyesopenwithadarkmatteredtranslucentdemoncomingupfrommychestflashingasinistersneerviolentlychokingmeagainstthemattress. Twomorepairsoftranslucenthornspokedfromeithersideofme. Theygrabbedmyarmsandheldmewithhellishgrins. TheonepokinghiswaistoutfrommychestslammedmeharderandItriedtoscreambutnosoundcameout.

Ishutmyeyesinhorrorandforamomentdiedinside. FranticallyIprayedGodmakeitstop. Justthenablindinglightshapedlikeabellcamespiralingthroughthewindowfloatingdowngracefullysuckingthedemonslikeavacuumspinningbackoutfromwhenceitcame. ThenIwasalone. That’swhenthenauseasettled. Athickdwellingpitturnedinmystomachtowhatfeltlikerocks. VomitingIrantothetoilet. Ifellsprawledburninginmythroatonmyhandsandkneesinshock. Apairoftentacleinsectparasitesswamdeathlyinapoolofvomitandblackblood. MyeyesthroughtheceilingIhelplesslyshoutedoutsavemeagainandagain.Mystepfatherbrokethedoordownscreaming. “Whatthehellisgoingon?!” VaguelyawareofmysisterAngelinthenextroomrunningwaterasshebangedonthewall. “NOOOOOOOOOO!!!”Sheshriekedinhorror. “Stop!Thisishowdemonsmanifest.”Shecriedthenwept. “Saveme!”Againandagainandagain. Itookabreathinshockagonyanddespairandflushedthetoiletknow-ingthosethings,whatevertheywere,wouldhauntmeforyearsleavingmesufferinginexistentialdespairwonderingwhathadreallyhappened. ThatyeartheheatburnedoutslowlyinanIndiansummer. Ascarecrowinthedistancewithapurplecoatandapumpkinheadhunglifelessabovethedryfield,woodenbonesabovethehay. Fliesbuzzedallmechanicalcirclingitflyingthroughectoplasm,trailsoftetragrams.Landingonyourfaceandskull,throughyourearsanddiggingintoyournose,pryingrightthroughyourporesandboringintoyourflesh,squirmingmaggotsdevouring. Thefieldanddeadtreeandskyandeverythingfellintored,thenfadedtoaheartypurple. Allswellinglikeapulpingveinthendyedtoapocalypticgreywhenpitchblacksilencearoseforalleternity.

What It Feels Like BarbaraO’Neil

SoyouwannaknowwhatitfeelslikeOntheinsideofthisshell,wellItfeelslikeaquickdrink,Feelslikeashatteredsmile.

Onthissideofdenial,feelslikeacoolbreeze.Deepinsidethisthought,thisshoveonyourshoulderEveryminutewegrowolder.

Andwedon’tstop.Wedon’tknowhowtoquit.Wastedtimeinthissportsbar.I’dratherripmynailfromskin.ButIdon’tstop.Evenyoumayquit.

AhurriedquicknessAmoment’ssickness.HighqualitydelusionAloneandsurroundedbymediocrehopesandlives.

WhatapityIeventried.

32

Untitled KateBurke

Seven.BeforeIbecameabad

exampleformyselfandlearnedtheart(lesson)offallingdown.

Beforeamindcouldwraparounditselffully.KnowhowcellsmaymalfunctionandthatBeastsdon’thavetohavesharpteeth,tobedeadly.

Beforeloss.Or,realizingtheintegrityofaliverspurpose.Thattherewillbenoreflectioncomebottomofanemptypintglass.

Evenifyou’relookingforit.

BeforeIknewyourhands.Tough,weathered.Liketheseasonwe’vebeenavoiding.Bruised,oftenlate..Backwardseven.Tasteless.

BeforeIknewbetter.

33

Untitled KyleEnright

asurferonawavecrashingintoshorewaterbreaksaboveheadhardrockssmashingboneseawaterfillsthelungsthebodysinkstosandacurrentdragsitoutnowadrowningman

youlovedtheocean,

itloveskillingyou.

34

COPYRIGHT2010

THEWELLFEDARTISTS