REPORTP . O . B o x 2 2 I I 3 NOFTEN IN ERROR - NEVER IN DOUBT' S . F . cA 94L22

Who cares whether rnedia moguls renew Trtin Peaks the real damage from theLog Lady and friends has already been inflicted on an unsurp""iitrg public.While bi-coastat l i terati interpret subconcious plot signals, Davey Lynch andMark (six l{i77ion Do77ar l[an) Frost have accomplisnea what evLn

-Williarn

Buckley couldnrt do the conquering of Anericars intellectuals with amessage of far-r ight superiority. Whooaa - hold the cherry pie, please. youmean there I s more to TPt s plot than loose antlers and rnurnbling dwarves?Thatrs r ight, Iumberheads! Lurking beneath those douglas f irs is areactionary white male fantasy benignly engineered to enlice and subvertl iberal intel lectuals. How did this rnini- leries f ind a place on networktelevision? Duped network execs hrere apparently unaware thit the program isthe fina| conponent in a masterful rnedii/entertiinment carnpaign orlheJtratedby a cabal of disi l lusioned Arnerican business intereits - a shockingconspiracy that htas init ial ly rooted in the early 198Ofs when the btoatedmiddle class was brainwashed via superhero serial iZation and prirne t ine soapoperas. The Rocky-Rambo-Dirty Harry sequelizations propounded tne ornnipotenlcaucasian male _hero and preached convention over innbvat, ion, justic6 overbeauty. The DaL7as-Dynasty ega of the rnid-eighties adult soap un-derrnined thewomenrs movenent, enphasizinE economic power and social-sexuil scheming overself-awareness. This double-shot was airned at corrupting the neo-cali torniaplan engineered by a well-heeled poli t ico-feminist- aggiegate (See ish 55,Lean to the Left: Aerobocops and prime Time Feminizationl.After conquering the middle class, the next stage in this appall ing plot wasthe two-part subversion of American youth by fragmenting-pop rnuJic intofractious extremes and concurrently nesrneri- ing pre-teens- w-itn 1icensedright-wing revenge fantasies ala Batman and the llinJa Turtyes.The third and final phase in this conservative baptisrn was to steamroll theintel lectual mindset. Enter Tvtin Peaks! eV coating ?pfs reactionaryrnoral i ty with a layer of quirky surrealisrn ana visual aberrations, thaconned-sumer ends up swallowing a psychic J. Edgar Hoover and a secretBookhouse Boys police society - al l of which take pl lce in a mythical Americawhere even the vi l lains are white (Canadian orNorwegian) . so i f youfre wonder ing whatrs under Nadinerseyepatch or why therers a f ish in the percolator, thenyourre already under this r ight wing spell sit back,forget about constitut ionar r ights and enjoy the coffee.

gUICK - BRItfO llE Ml BROI{N PAI|TS! Have $re got punchlines? This ishwe debut a side-splitt ing feature - A&R'E PUNCHLINES offering theworld's choicest joke-enders. i lext ish - reader Eurvey response.

@ 1990 A&R

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.-ftdiog**Lf [n0This ish we cast Read My LipS, a political thriller in which a brainy, beautiful American

translator and a Russian ,u'ilo, *n, an international summit conference from Libyan attack'

Character

GEORGE60ish Wasp AmericanPresident

MIKHAILDynamic RussianPremier

MARGARETConservative BritishPrime Minister

KHADAFFILibyan terroristleader

JULIABrilliant Americantranslator

NICHOLASCrafty Russian sailor

- Benji; Mikhail - The Bear (from The Bear);

Elsa (from Born Free); and Nicholas - Spuds

*ffi**ff*frffi***t

ROBERT MORSE(Unless he's busY

with Truman,otherwise)

GEORGE GOBEL

PETER FONDA(Unless he's not

ready to actRepublican,otherwise)

RONNIE COX

RONALD REAGAN(Unless he's notready to make

movies, otherwise)RBD BUTTONS

LUCIANOPAVAROTTI(Unless he's too

busy for BroadwaY,otherwise)

DOM DE LUISE

BOBGOLDTHWAIT(Unless he's notready to stretch,

otherwise)JACK WARDEN

JOHNMALKOVITCH(Unless he didn'twant to add the

weight, otherwise)JAMES BELUSHI

JULIE ANDREWS(Unless she demands

Blake Edwards asdirector, otherwise)TAMMY GRIMES

VANESSAREDGRAVE

(Unless she's toopolitical for TV,

otherwise)LYNN REDGRAVE

MICHAEL CAINE(Unless he won't doit in drag, otherwise)

MAGGIE SMITH

MANDY PATINKIN(Unless he won'twear a curly wig,

otherwise)PAUL ANKA

BURT REYNOLDS(Unless he won'twear a curly wig,

otherwise)BURT CONVY

BEN GAZZARA(Unless he won'twear a curly wig,

otherwise)RICHARDDREYFUSS

SUZANNE VEGA(Unless she's too shY

for Broadway,otherwise)

ANNIE GOLDEN

MARTHA QUINN(Unless Brady Bunch

won't let her,otherwise)

CONNIE SELLECA

SIGOURNEYWEAVER

(Unless she's busYwith Gorillas in theMist II, otherwise)KELLY MCGILLIS

STING(Unless theY're

looking for laughs,otherwise)WEIRD ALYANKOVIC

SAM ELLIOT(Unless they're

looking for laughs,otherwise)

MARTIN SHORT

KEVIN COSTNER(Unless they're

looking for laughs,otherwise)

ANDREW DICECLAY

Thanks to D. Sophiea for the all-animal version: GeorgeMargaret - Hootch; Khadaffi - Ben or Willard; Julia -

MacKenzie.

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She's Afraid of Irss AirDeer A&R: I have a suffocating fear.I feel as though every day there isless a i r avai lable to breathe. Iknow that this ig not true, but itEeemE as if i t gets harder and harderto get a full breath. when you getolder, you have less lung power, butI 'm only 23 and I had my lungschecked twice last month. I feelI ike the wal ls are c los ing in on me,squeezing every laet ounce of oxygenfrom the atmoephere. What's wrongwith me? Lou Ann Coff, SilverSpriugs, Kanaas.

Dear Lou Ann: There'g nothing wrongwi th you. There js less a i r . Thereason is due to air hording - thestockpil ing of healthy 02 byunfriendly super por^ters, eager tohide eupplies of good air asenvironmental- conditionE worsen.Because of the inevitabil ity of thisa i r shor tage, i t 's uselese to becomedistressed. Breathe softly and carrya large a i r canigter .

Nobody Sits Next to HimDeer A&R: f 'm a c lean person in mymid- th i r t ies. I don' t Emel l funnyand I rarely think bad thoughts. Butfor eome reason, nobody ever wants tos i t next to me. When I 'm on the busor subway, people would rather standthan s i t next to me. ? lhen I 'm at acrowded lunch counter, people wouldrather wai t . I 'm t ry ing not to takeit personal but after a while it getsto be suspect . What 's wrong wi th me?at .C. atoyce, Brooklyn, N.Y.

Dear i t .C. s There 'g noth ing wrongwith you. The failure of others tojoin you may be a simple matter. Forexample, do you sit next to seatswi th s ta ins? Do your c lothes smel ll ike mothbal lE? Do you read anextra-wide paper? Until you find thereason, enjoy the meditative qualityof your privacy.

She Hates Her ProblemsDear A&R: I hate writ ing aboutmyself and I hate diBcussing my ownproblems. One reason is that I haveEo many problems. Most people onlyhave one or two, but it seems thatevery single thing in my life is aproblem - my car, my apartment' myjob, my diet, my health, my family(which ig a whole separate packet ofproblems) and of course, my boyfrLend. When I gtart to write, Ijust end up going on and on and Iget the feeling people don't want tohear about what I 'm writ ing down,ye t , f o r t n€ r i t ' s a l l E ouncontroltably obsessive that I .. What'g wrong with me? IlorotbyDersbowitz, Clam Eollow, lexaa.

Dear l lorotby: There'g nothing wrongwith you. We're Borry but Epaceproblems preclude us from printingyour whole letter (which we canaEEure you was read in its entiretyby our staff. ) Try dictating yourcommentaries into a tape player andsending thoge to your friends. Bestof luck.

What's Wrong With You?If you feel t ike sonething's wrongwith you, write to the A&R Report,P.O. Box 22LL3, Sunset Stat ion 's . F . , c A 9 4 t 2 2 .

DISCLAIMERThe advice and representationsgiven herein are warranted tobe timely and effective for aperiod of thirty (30) daysfrom date of publication. TheA&R Report disslaims anysubsequent or supersedingusage. If pain persists, seekprofessional counseling.

HOT & HAPPENING

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MOTHERS AGAINST DRU],IK DRII'ING

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III Moms

MOTHER NATURE

10 i*wDYwREPORT

.OFTEN TJV ERROR - NEVER TN oOu6r,