Conquering Fearby Stephanie Little Coyne

Bereavement/Volunteer Coordinator and Chaplain, Haven HealthCare and Hospice of Louisiana

When my husband and I were dating, we went on a day-trip kayaking down a nearby river. At one point, he got out of his boat and pulled it up on the sand. He told me that we were at one of his favorite spots in a river—where the water rushes over a few rocks and creates a little pool of rapids. He sat down in this personal Jacuzzi and instantly had a look of comfort and release. He stood up and said, “It’s your turn.”

Rather nervous, I declined the offer. “I don’t want to get washed away,” I protested. “Don’t worry,” he said, “I’ll be right in front of you, ready to catch you if that happens.” Still nervous and still a little non-agreeable, I cautiously lowered myself into the water. He coached, “Sit down, don’t be scared. I’m right here.”

I finally realized that I was just going to have to trust him and sat down. The water, though rather cool, rushed all around me. It felt wonderful to be in the arms of the river, massaged by the fast-running waters and refreshed by the cool temperature. The water under me even picked me up slightly and held me as if I were trying to float. The whole experience was wonderful and I would have missed it if I had let my fear get the best of me.

Fear tries very hard to be the victor. Fear can be a debilitating foe. The good news is that fear, once we take even the smallest step, can be given a good fight. Once we tell fear that it is no longer going to control us, it goes away! As soon as I sat down in the cool waters, all my fear went downstream. Joy and freedom easily filled the spot that fear once held.

David Kessler writes, “So much more is possible when fear

no longer holds us captive. There is a new world outside of us and inside of us—one where there is less fear—just waiting to be discovered.”

Learning to conquer our fear and learning to surrender go hand in hand. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross explains:

At any time we can all find a wonderful peace in surrender. Unfortunately, too many of us are afraid of it because it’s

giving up and giving in, it’s a sign of weakness. But there is no weakness or pain in surrender. Instead, there is comfort and strength in surrendering to the knowledge that all is well, and all is being taken care of.

Breathing out, exhaling, is a natural, instinctual, and certainly necessary function. We have to breathe out in order to enjoy and use the breath we inhale. Just the same—we have to release the things that we have taken in—our fears, our worries, our sadness—in order to be able to have a quality of life. “Surrender” does not mean giving up! It means you have courageously decided to not hold everything inside you any longer!

Finally, learn to be happy. A friend has just recently told me, “lean towards the good, not towards the bad.” There may be many, many things running through your head. Take my friend’s advice and let the positive thoughts become louder than the negative.

What does “happy” look like to you? What’s the picture? Go make that picture happen for yourself! And very importantly—let other people help you make that picture happen for yourself.

Remember, you deserve to not be scared. You deserve the opportunity to surrender. You deserve the chance to be happy.

March & April 2014

MemoriesBy Donna Baranyay, CT

I walk by a store and can hear the music playing over the speakers. It brings me to a standstill and I find myself holding my breath. Why? It takes me a minute until I realize that the song playing is my loved one’s favorite song. It brings back memories of spending hours listening to it, listening to them sing along to it, enjoying themselves.

Someone walks into my office and I recognize a soft scent but can’t quite place it. It takes a moment until I realize that it is my loved one’s favorite perfume. Just the hint of this special scent brings back a flood of memories, times we spent together and how much I miss them.

It’s almost Easter time and I’m excitedly looking for cool, new recipes for our annual family Easter celebration. I’m looking through pictures online and come across this really cool, unique way of making decorative deviled eggs for Easter. As I excitedly pick up the phone to share this colorful recipe with my loved one, I realize that something is deeply missing. There is a void during this upcoming holiday celebration because when I picked up the phone to call her I was reminded yet again that she won’t be on the other line because she’s gone.

What do all of these events have in common? They are all examples of what are called grief triggers. Grief triggers things that trigger a memory of our loved ones. They are emotional responses to events, sights, smells, or sounds that remind us of our deceased loved ones. When we are grieving the death of a loved one these triggers can be heart wrenching, times where we feel the loss all over again. Triggers happen to us all the time – expectedly or unexpectedly, we don’t always have a warning. Sometimes they are happy moments, except when we are grieving and it feels like we have just spiraled down a few steps on our healing journey.

Triggers can occur on the emotional, spiritual, social, mental, or physical level. Depending on the circumstance and how we react or as I prefer to say, respond to the trigger our experience can either validate us or cause us to doubt

our healing abilities. It is completely normal to re-experience the pain of the death of our loved one. It is also completely normal to hear a favorite song, see a favorite movie, or smell a special scent and experience memories and feelings of joy. You may also find yourself describing the event as “bittersweet” having felt both emotions.

What are some of the ways we prepare ourselves for those moments when triggers show themselves? First and foremost, we can honor the feelings that well up from within ourselves. We can give them a name. The unknown is extremely scary because it is uncharted territory.

We can remind ourselves that this is a normal part of grieving. Since we cannot isolate and withdraw from the world, there may come a time when we encounter these moments.

We can journal our thoughts and feelings when we experience

triggers. Remember – just like the grieving journey is unique to each person so are the experiences of grief triggers. What may be a trigger for one person may not be for another. Please do not compare your grief journey with anyone else’s.

Each of us is on our own healing journey. As Brene Brown teaches “We cannot selectively numb emotions, when we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive emotions.” I encourage each of us to refrain from attempting to numb that which is painful and instead embrace them, allow ourselves to feel the pain in order to begin the healing.

Brene goes on to share “The dark does not destroy the light; it defines it. It’s our fear of the dark that casts our joy into the shadows.” When we embrace our fears, embrace the moments of emotion that may be triggered through these sudden, sometimes unexpected, and often painful moments we shed the light onto the darkness. From this place Love is called forth, healing is called forth.

If you would like additional grief support please contact the Bereavement Department at 562-426-7500.

Community VoicesWe invite you to share your experiences with others. Please Email your submission to: donna.baranyay@havenhealth.org

Or mail them to: Haven Hospice Bereavement Department, 2895 Temple Ave, Signal Hill, CA 90755

If you would like more information on volunteering with hospice, would like to volunteer, or know someone who would like to volunteer please contact Erin McCuan, LCSW, Director of Volunteers at 562-426-7500.

Understanding and recognizing grief triggers is an important part of practicing self-care. What are grief triggers? These are the events, situations, and experiences that may trigger certain feelings and emotions. These are reminders that our loved one has died. These may including hearing a song that was “our song” or sparks a memory, a favorite food, time of year, event (i.e. birthday, anniversary), or movie. How do we cope when these triggers show up? The following suggestions may be of assistance:AwarenessBecoming aware of potential triggers can assist us in planning

ahead. As an example, making plans on the death anniversary or birthday to not be alone is one way to avoid being alone and consumed by our emotions. Plan AheadDevelop a plan such as volunteering for a favorite cause,

scheduling lunch outings with friends, or other ways to avoid being alone during difficult times or situations that may trigger feelings of grief. These are examples of ways to cope with an upcoming birthday, anniversary, or other special day that meant something to you and your loved one.Allow Ourselves to FeelWhen these moments present themselves it is important

for us to feel whatever emotions come up. Any emotions that we ‘stuff ’ will eventually come to the surface to be dealt with. Feeling our feelings will enable us to heal and move forward. Cheryl Richardson believes that “Healing is birthed by growth.” When we continue to grow and feel our emotions we have the opportunity to heal and transform our lives. When committed to personal growth and healing we journey through the grieving process at our own pace, but generally in the positive direction.

When we apply self care towards ourselves we are stepping into our strength, into taking back our life. We may not have chosen this part of our journey but we are in the midst of it regardless. What we decide to do with our current circumstance sets the path for our healing and renewal. When we make the decision to begin the path of healing we have made a courageous step towards re-creating our future. If its meant to be its up to me. We have to decide to re-enter the world of the living and that decision is an individual one based on our beliefs, priorities, and choices. May we continue to travel our path steeped in compassion, grace, and well-being.

“I cannot always control what goes on outside. But I can

always control what goes on inside.”

-Wayne Dyer

Grief Triggersby Donna Baranyay, CT

I thought of you with love today, but that is nothing new. I thought about you yesterday, and days before that too.

I think of you in silence, I often speak your name. All I have are memories and your picture in a frame.

Your memory is my keepsake, with which I’ll never part. God has you in his keeping, I have you in my heart!!!

Forever and Always.

PoemBy Author Unknown

Monthly Support Groups 2nd Tuesday of the month from 4:00 pm. to 5:00 p.m. @ Alpert Jewish Community Center in Long Beach.

This group offers a safe and supportive environment for participants to share their experiences and feelings related to loss.Pre-registration is required. Please contact Donna Baranyay at 562-426-7500 ext 206 for more information.

Individual SupportThe Bereavement Department of Haven Hospice offers individual support. For more information or to make an appointment

for an individual meeting please contact our Bereavement Coordinator, Donna Baranyay at (562) 426-7500 ext 206

Volunteering With HavenAre you ready to become a Haven Hospice Volunteer? If you are interested in this rewarding opportunity, or you know

anyone who is looking to volunteer his or her time, please contact Erin McCuan, Director of Volunteer Services (562) 426-7500 ext 409.

Help us keep our mailing list current!If you no longer wish to receive our monthly newsletter or if the address that appears is not current, please

email Jennifer Orellana at Jennifer.Orellana@havenhealth.org or call the office at (562) 426-7500 ext 300.Thank you for your assistance.

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Signal Hill, CA 90755

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