manners and rules
TRANSCRIPT
MANNERS AND RULES
GOOD SOCIETY
S OLEC’ISMS TO BE A VOIDED
A MEMBER OF THE ARIST O CRACY
I
FIFT EENTH EDIT IO N
EN TIRELY RE WRI T TEN , WI TH ADDI TI ONS
LONDON AND NEW YORK ;
F R E D E R I C K W A R N E A N D C O .
1888
PREFACE .
MANNERS AND TONE OF GOOD SO CIETY having inthe course of seven years reached the ThirteenthE dition,it was found advisable to revise it last year up to presentdate ; but so many innovations in E tiquette havingtaken place wi thin that time the greater part of the
work was actually rewritten, and a considerable amountof information added thereto .
The present work contains thirty-five chapters, theformer edit ions having but fourteen . Th is extensionallowed many subject s to be more exhaustively treatedthan heretofore, and it now includes every ruleand point that could possibly be comprehended in itstitle .
The former work commended itself to the attentionof thousands of readers, and this new volume—slightlyaltered in its title—has been received by Society ingeneral with the marked success of its predecessor.
CONTENT S .
INTRODUCTORY REMARKS
CHAPTER I.
m HEARIN G OF ETIQUETTE
CHAPTER II.
INTRODUCTIONS
CHAPTER III.
m vme cums
CHAPTER IV.
CHAPTER V.
PBECRDENOY
V 111 Conte nts.
CHAPTER VI.
THE COLLOQU IAL APPLICAT ION OF T ITLES
CHAPTER VII.
PO INTS OF ET IQUE’
I'I'
E AS REGARDS ROYAL PERSONAGES
CHAPTER VIII .
porN'
Ts or ET IQUET TE WHEN TRAVELLINGPRESENTATIONS AT FOREIGN COU RTs
CHAPTER IX .
THE RECEIVED MODE OF PRONOUN C ING CERT AIN SURNAMES
CHAPTER X.
PRESENTAT ION S AT DRAwING -Rooms AND A'I'I‘
ENDING DRAW
ING-Eoons
CHAPTER XI.
PRESENTATIONS AT LEVEEs AND A TT ENDING LEvEEs
CHAPTER XII.
BALLS AND STATE BALLS
CHAPTER XIII.DINNER GIV ING AND D IN ING OUT
Contents.
CHAPTER XIV.
DINNER-TABLE ET IQUETTE
CHAPTER XV.
EVENING PARTIES
CHAPTER XVI.
WEDDINGS AND WEDD ING BREAKFASTS
CHAPTER XVII.WEDDING TEAS
CHAPTER XVIII.
AFT ERN OON AT -HOMES
CHAPTER XIX
CHAPTER XX.
GARDEN -PART IES
CHAPTER XXI.
LUNOE EONS
x Contents.
CHAPTER XXII.
BREAKEASTS
CHAPTER XXIII.PICN ICS AND
CHAPTER XXIV.
JUVEN ILE PART IES
CHAPTER XXV.
WRITTEN INV ITAT IONS
CHAPTER XXVI.REFUSING
CHAPTER XXVII.
WALK ING, DRIV ING, AND RIDING
CHAPTER XXVIII.COUNTRY -HOUSE V ISITS
CHAPTER XXIX.
HUNT ING AND SHOOT ING
Contents. x1
CHAPTER
SHAR ING HANDS
CHAPTER
CHAPERONS AND DEBUTANTEs
CHAPTER XXXII.HOSTESSE
CHAPTER XXXIII.
TE E RESPONSIBILIT IES or LADY PATRONES SES A T PUBLIC BALLs 219
CHAPTER XXXIV.
PER IODS OE MOURN ING
CHAPTER XXXV.
ENGAGED TO BE MARRIED
INTRODUCTORY REMARKS .
T t itle of this work sufficiently indicates the natureof its contents . The U sages of G ood Society relatenot only to good manners and to good breeding, butalso to the proper etiquette to be observed on everyoccasion .
Not only are certain rules laid down , and minutelyexplained, but the most comprehensive instructionsare given in each chapter respecting every form or.
phase of the subject under discussion that it may beclearly understood, what is done, or what is not done,in good society, and also how what is done in goodsociety should be done . It is precisely this knowledgethat gives to men and women the consciousness of
feeling thoroughly at ease in whatever sphere theymay happen to move, and causes them to be considered well bred by all with whom they may comein contact .A solecism may be perhaps in itself but a trifl ingmatter, but in the eyes of society at large it assumes
x1v Introductory Remarks.
proportions of a magnified aspect, and reflects mostdisadvantageously upon the one by whom it i s committed ; the direct inference being , that to be guiltyof a solecism argues the offender to be unu sed tosociety, and consequently not on an equal footingwith it . This society resen ts, and is not slow inmaking its disapproval felt by its demeanour towardsthe ofi'ender.
T act and innate refinement, though of the greatestassistance to one unused to society, do not sufiice of
themselves ; and although counting for much , cannotsupply the want of the actual knowledge of what i scustomary in society. Where tact and innate refine
ment do not exist—and this i s not seldom the case,as they are gifts be stowed upon the few rather thanupon the many—then a thorough acquaintance withthe social Observances in force in society becomesmore than ever necessary , and especially to thosewho
,socially speaking, are desirous of making their
way in the world .
Those individuals who have led secluded or i solatedlives, or who have hi therto moved in other spheresthan those wherein well-bred people move, will gatherall the information necessary from these pages torender them thoroughly conversant with the mannersand amenities of society .
This work will be found of equal service to both
Introductory Remarks. xv
men and women, as in each chapter the points of socialetiquette to be observed by both sexes have been fullyconsidered.
Those having the charge of young ladies previousto their introduction into society, either mothers,chaperons, or governesses, will also derive much usefuland practical information from the perusal of th iswork
,while to those thoroughly versed in the usages
of society it cannot fail to commend itself, containingas it does many useful and valuable hints on socialquestions.
2 Manners and Rules of Good .S ot z°
ety .
Upon it. The true meaning of etiquette can hardly bedescribed in dictionary parlance ; it embraces the wholegamut of good manners, good breeding, and true politeness.One of the reasons which have no doubt contributed tobring the word etiquette into disrepute , is the mannerin which the subject has been handled by incompetentpeople, who, having but a very hazy and obscure knowledge,if any knowledge at all, yet profess to write guides to politemanners—rambling and incohérent guides, which not onlyprovoke a smile from those bette r informed, but misleadand bewilder anyone rash enough to consult them, withoutprevious inquiry as to whether they are safe to follow. Alittle caution on this head would insure the most correctand reliable work be ing secured amongst so much that Isunreliable. Some people read everything that iswritten on thesubject of et iquette, not only those who are ignorant and wishto learn something of its laws, but those who are thoroughlywell versed in them and who, onemight suppose, had nothingto learn ; still these latter like to see what is written, tofee l the satisfaction of being supported in their own knowledge by a well-informed writer or of finding amusementin the absurdities gravely advanced by someone writingfrom another sphere than that where seven; more reigns.O thers attach a very narrow meaning to the word etiquette
,
and neither accept it nor understand it in its true sense ;they have an idea that its rules influence and govern societyin general. Rules of etiquette are from their point of viewbut trammels and shachele, let them be cast off or burstthrough, say they ; let everyone do as he likes, let allbehave as they like, we are in a free country, why shouldwe not wipe our mouths upon the tablecloth if we pleaseO thers again. devour books of etiquette on the quiet, theyare very much in want of instruction as everyone knows
,
but they have not the courage to confess that they are
aware of this want, and are trying to pick up some know
T/te M eanzng of E tiquette . 3
ledge of this kind to be use ful to them; as the1r aim is torise in the social scale, they would not let their friends knowfor worlds about this new study, but they know it, and findthat they have improved, that they do not commit as manygauchera
’
os as heretofore still, they have caught the letterrather than the spirit of etiquette
,they have read the rules
it prescribes, and act up to them as far as their memoriesserve them ; but they have failed in one essential particularof understanding that courtesy, consideration towards others,and unselfishness are the sources of true politeness fromwhich etiquette springs.
There is an idea amongst some few people who havemixed little in the world, and moved but‘ in one fixedgroove
,that the more exalted the sphere
,the more perfect
the manners. It is needless to attempt to refute such afallacy as this, but merely to assert that exammes of the
most perfect manner are to be met with not only amongstthose who can boast of long lineage and high birth, butalso amongst those who lay claim to neither.Our present code of etiquette is constructed upon therefinement, polish, and culture of years, of centuries.Wealth and luxury, and contact wi th all that is beautiful inart and nature, have in all ages exercised a powerful influenceon the manners of men ; we do not say on the times, asunfortunately these advantages did not reach down to themany but were confined to the strictly few ; but in thesemodern days the many have come, and still come, withinthe charmed circle the ring broadens
,ever widens ; it is
not now as in olden days that “ Their lot forbade.” On
the contrary , the possession of wealth or of talent is theopen sesame to the most refined and cultured circles. The
word etiquette is too narrow for all i t embraces ; itmust be flawed in a double light, and be taken from amoral point as well as from a conventional one . Akindly nature, and an unselfish spirit are neve r wanting
E 8
4 Manners and Rules of Good S ociety.
in true politeness, but the conventionalities of societygive the finish and completeness to the whole, the colour,as i t were, to the picture . In some the conventionalspirit is uppermost and they have but at best a surfacepolish . In others the kindly feelings of the heart areallowed full play, and no not of genuine politeness isomitted or left undone in their intercourse with theirfellows, and these graces of kindly politeness linger in' thememory
,trivial though they may have been, years after
one has lost sight of this true gentleman or thorough lady,and one says of him What a charming man he was, howcourte ous and considerate, and how kind ! and of her,She was the sweetest and prettiest-mannered woman Iever met.”It is only given to the very few to be thoroughly and
unafl’ectedly charming without a shadow of self conscious
ness or effort. To assume a would-be charming mannerfor the moment, with the desire to be unusually pleasingto some one in particular, does not confer the enviablereputation of having a charming manner. It does not siteasy enough to be altogether natural it conveys the ideaof being put on for the occasion, and, like all other imitations
,it hardly pleases and seldom deceives. Etiquette
and true politeness would have us go further than this,
and our manners of tod ay should be our manners of
to-morrow, and not variable according to place and persons.The world is quick to note these uncertain demeanours
,and
every one’s measure is readily taken and retained.The rules of etiquette are indispensable to the smoothworking of society at large. Take, for example, theetiquette of precedency, in force both in public and inprivate : on every public occasion, and in every privatecircle , precedency ste ps in to render assistance, and is asnecessary in the smallest private circle as in the largestpublic gathering, because i t assigns to every one his or her
T/te Meaning of E tionette. 5
place as far as claimcan be laid to place. Mistakes in thematter of precedency are not only committed by those whohave enjoyed few social advantages, but by these also whohave had everyth ing in their favour. Young ladies, forinstance, when married from the school-room, as it were,often make grave mistakes on the question of precedency,if they do not ignore it altogether.The etiquette of card leaving and that of paying callsare indisputably necessary and only the very iguomntwould attempt to gainsay their util ity ; without these aidsto order and method all intercourse between friends andacquaintances would be uncertain and chaotic ; as it isthere is l ittle excuse when the right thing is not done, andany departure from the simple rules laid down on theseheads, is the best possible proof of the standing, position,and associations of the one at fault.Any one point of etiquette if brought to the bar of
common sense would be pronounced reasonable, proper,and sensible ; and there is strictly speaking no question ofetiquette that cannot be thus judged and upon which alike verdict would not be given. There is no one rule ofetiquette that can be described as absurd or ridiculous,arbitrary or tyrannical , and taken collectively the rules arebut social Obligations due from one person to another.Why should we not be a well-mannered people ? whyshould we not be refined, cultivated, and polished in ourdemeanour and bearing ? Why should we not seek tocharm if we can Why should we not cultivate and
encourage in ourselves consideration, thoughtfulness, andgraciousness towards others in the smallest details of dailylife ?
CHAPTER II .
INTnonuorIONs.
INTRODUCT IONS , or introducing persons not previouslyacquainted with each other, require a considerable amountof tact and discretion on the part of those making them.
There are ceremonious introduct ions and unceremoniousintroductions
,premeditated introductions and aupre
meditated introductions ; but, in all cases, introductionsshould never be indiscriminately made—that is to say,without a previous knowledge on the part of those makingthem as to whether the persons thus introduced will belikely to appreciate each other, or the reverse, or unless theyhave expressed a desire to become acquainted . For instancea lady should not introduce two of her acquaintances1csiding in a country town or watering place, moving indifi
'
erent circles, unless they have each expressed such adesire.AN UNDnsInsD INTRODUOT ION, it
'made, compels the oneto whom it is the most unwelcome, to trrat the other withmarked coldness, or to continue an acquaintance that is
Should the slightest doubt exist as to how an introductionwill be received—whether the meditated introduction is aspontaneous desire on the part of a lady or gentleman, orwhether one person expressed a.wish to make the acquaintance of another person and expressed that wish to a mutual
Introductions. 7
friend— the received rule is to consul t the wishes of bothpersons on the subject before making the introduction .
WHEN A DIFFERENOE orBANK exists between two persons,i t would be sufficient to ascertain the wishes of the personof highest rank alone.A person about to make an introduction, should say to the
one lady, but not in the hearing of the other, Mrs. A
may I introduce Mrs. B to you or some suchformula, according to the degree of intimcay existingbetween herself and Mrs. A. (See Society Small Talk."When two ladies are of equal rank, the wishes of theperson should be consulted with whom the person makingthe introduction is least intimate.In the case of one person having expressed a wish to make
the acquaintance of another there remains but the wishesof one person to ascertain.
Acquiescence having been given, the introduction shouldbe made.In making an introduction
,the lady of lowest rank
should be introduced to the lady of highest rank ; in nocase should the lady of highest rank be introduced to thelady of lowest rank . This point ofe tiquette should alwaysbe strictly observed.
A GENTLEMAN sIIOULD ALWAYS as INTRODUOED To A
LADY, whatever his rank may be, without reference to herrank, whatever i t may be. This rule is invariable, and isbased upon the privilege of the sex place one doom.
It is not usual to ascertain a gentleman’s wishes as towhether he will be introduced to a lady or not
,although at
a ball it is usual to do so when the introduction is made fora special Object, viz ., that of obtaining a partner for a ladyand as a gentleman may be either unable or unwilling toask the lady to dance, i t is incumbent to ascertain beforehand whether the introduction is desired or not, otherwise
8 Manners and Rules of Good S of ie/y .
the introduction would be of no avail for the purpose, andprove a disappointment to the lady.
Would you l ike to be introduced to Miss A . P or
somesuch polite phrase (see Society Smal l Talk is thesort of formula by which to ascertain a gentleman’s wishesas' to an introduction in the ball-room as hell room introductions are understood to mean an intention
‘on the partof a gentleman to ask a lady to dance or to take her in tosupper.In general society
,gentlemen are supposed to seek, rather
than to avoid the acquaintance of lad ies, irrespective of
whatever sets in society to which they be long. It isimmaterial to a gentleman in which set in society hisacquaintances move, and he can be polite to all withoutoffending any in their several circles.Wi th regard to his own sex a gentleman is generally asexclusive as to the acquaintance ships which he forms, as i sa lady with regard to the acquaintanceships which sheforms. Reciprocity of taste is the basis on which acquaiatanceships between men are established, subject, in acerta in measure, to social position ; though this rule isitself subject to wide exceptions.It i s the rule for a gentleman to ask a mutual friend, oran acquaintance, for an introduction to a lady, and it isthe received rule to do so when a gentleman desires to bein troduced to any lady in particular ; but gentlemen do notask to be introduced to each other, unless some specialreason exists for so doing— some reason that wouldcommend itself to the person whose acquaintance wasdesired, as well as to the person making the introductionotherwise
,such a wish would appear to be either puerile or
sycophantic, thus the request might meet with a refusal,and the proffered acquaintanceship be declined.
WHEN INTRonucn ONs ARE MADE BETWEEN LADIES , an
I O Manners and Rules of Good S ociety.
her in her own house—that is to say, whether the person isbrought by a mutual friend, or is present by invi tationobtained through a mutual friend.
Ar Drums-nann ies, both small and large, the hostessshould use her own discretion as to the introductions shethinks proper to make. It is not customary to makegeneral introductions at a dinner-party ; but in sendingguests down to dinner, who are strangers to each other, thehost or hostess should introduce the gentleman to the ladywhomhe is to take down to dinner. It would be quite nunecessary to ask the lady’s permission before doing so. It
would be sufiicient to make the introduction a fewmomentsbefore dinner was announced, and the usual formula is,“ Mrs. A , Mr. B . will take you in to dinner. A bow isthe recognition of this introduction. ‘
When the majority at a dinner-party are strangers toeach other, a host or hostess should introduce one or two ofthe principal guests to each other, when time allows of i tsbeing done before dinner is served such introductions areoftener made at country dinner-parties than at town dinner
A hoste ss should, in some instances, introduce ladies toeach other in the drawing-room after dinner if the opportunity offers, and she considers it advisable to do so.As a rule a host seldom introduces gentlemen to eachother in the dining-room after dinner, as they address eachother as a matter of course on such occasions.A hostess should introduce her principal guests to each
other, at five o’clock teas, garden-parties, small at homes,&c.—that is to say, gentlemen to ladies—for the purpose
of their taking the ladies to the tea-room. In this casealso, the introduction should be made wi thout previouslym aulting the lady and a gentleman, knowing the reason ofto introduction, should at once profi
‘
er the expected civi lity.
Iat roa’uolz
’
om. I I
At these gatherings a hostess should use her own discretion as to any general introductions she thinks proper tomake, and should introduce any gen tleman to any ladywithout previously consulting the lady if she thinks theintroduction will prove agreeable to her.
When introducing ladies to each other, she should givemarried ladies, and ladies of rank, the option of the introduction but should introduce young unmarried ladies toeach other if she thinks proper.WHEN Ou nces ARRIVE smnnrm om r
,the hostess
should introduce them directly or indirect ly to each other,if there is no social reason to the contrary.When a hostess is aware that her visitors do not desireeach other’s acquaintanceship
,or, if she considers that the
introduction is not altogether a suitable one, agreeable toboth persons, she should not make i t, but converse witheach visitor in turn, at the same time not allowing theconversation to become too general.At large gatherings, persons desirous of avoiding eachother’s acquaintanceship, could be present at the house ofa mutual acquaintance without coming into direct contactwith one another, providing the host and hostess possessedsufficient tact and discretion not to attempt to effect arapprochement between them.
Ar COUNTRY-HOUSE Pu mas, the hostess should introduce the principal ladies to one another on the first day oftheir arrival but if it is a large party, introductions shouldnot be generally made, but should be made according to thejudgment of the hostess . The fact of persons being guestsin the same house constitutes in itself an introduction, andi t rests with the guests thus brought together whether theacquaintanceship ripens into subsequent intimacy or not .The same remark applies in a degree to afternoon teasand at homes.” The guests converse with each other if
1 2 Manners and Rules of Good Society.
inclined to do so. The act of so conversing would not constitute an acquaintanceship, although it might, undersome circumstances, establish a bowing acquaintanceship,especially between gentlemen .
Ladies should not bow to each other after only exchanging a few remarks at afternoon tea, or at a garden-partunless there were some particular social link between themto warrant their so doing, in which case the lady of highestrank should take the initiative.
Ix'ruonncrroxs AT Pcnmc Bu rs—It is erroneous tosuppose that it is the duty of stewards to make introductions at public balls it is the exception, and not the rule,for stewards to introduce persons to each other who arestrangers to themselves.Society objects, and the stewards object, to making pro
miscuous introductions, on the following grounds : first, asregards the chapercn, whether mother or relative, who hasthe charge of a young lady ; then as regards a young ladyherself ; and last, but not least, as regards the positionoccupied by the steward himself. A chaperon naturallylooks and feels displeased when a steward who is a strangerto herself cfi
‘
ers to introduce a man who is evidently astranger to him,
which fact she gathers by his saying,This gentleman wishes to be introduced to your daughter,”or by his asking the stranger his name before making theintroduction . A chaperon is responsible for the acquaintances a young lady forms while under her charge at a ball,and if amongst her own friends and acquaintances she cannot find partners for her
,she would prefer that she spent
a comparatively dull evening than that she should run therisk of forming undesirable acquaintances.Young ladies have not always the discretion possessed by
their elders, or sufficient knowledge of the world to do theright thing. Thus, some young ladies would either coldly
[oz/rodzcctiom. 1 3
decline the introductions, or if the introductions were made,would as coldly decline to dance, whilst others, anxious todance, would accep t both the introductions and the partners,and take their chance as to whether their brothers wouldlike to see them dancing with strangers thus introduced.A steward himself particularly dislikes to be made re
sponsible for a man he does not know and whether achaperon and a young lady are old friends of his, or whetherthey are merely new acquain tan ces, they equally trust to hisnot introducing men to them whom they would not care toknow, and of whom he knows nothing save that they havesolici ted an introduction to them .
Very few stewards care to accost a lady whom they merelyknow by sight and by name for the purpose of introducinga stranger they prefer to decline to make the introduction
,
on the plea of not having the honour of the lady’s acquaint
S tewards consider that the position of a young man mustbe a peculiar one, and his presence at a ball somewhat ofan anomaly, if he does not possess an acquaintance in theroom, through whom he can become known to one or otherof the stewards, or through whom he can be introduced toany particular lady wi th whom he may desire to dance.When a gentleman is introduced to a young lady at a
public ball, it generally means that he is introduced to heras a partner, and that though he may not ask her for thenext dance, he will for a subsequent one, or that he will atleast offer to take her in to supper, or, if earl ier in the evening, to give her some tea, or if she dec lines these civil ities,that he will continue a conversation with her until the nextdance commences, or until a dance is over. When a gentleman does neither of these things, but walks away as soon asthe introduction is made, it is a proof how litt le he desiredi t, and that doubtless the option was not given him of
refusing it.
14 Mormon : and Ratios of Good S ociety.
Good-natured friends of both sexes know how difficult itis to get partners forwell dressed, well-mannered, good-locking girls at a ball, unless they are more than ordinarilyattractive in some way or other, in which ewe they arepopular and sought afte r, and the only difiicultymatswiththe young ladies themselves as to how they shall best apportion the dances so as to satisfy their numerous partners, orpersuade their chaperons to stay for one more dance whichthey have promised to
,&c., &c.
It is a well-known fact in the ball-going world that themajority of young men insist upon being introduced to themost popular girls in a ball-room, and refuse being introduced to one who does not appear to have plenty of
Public balls are in reality made up of a number of smallparties and different sets, each set or party being entirelyindependent of the other.At county balls the county people take large houseparties
,and each house-party does or does not mingle with
other house-parties, according to standing or inclination .
If three large house-parties join forces at a ball they forma very imposingmajority ; but there are other sets in thesame ball-room, dancing to the same band and adjourningto the same supper-room, equally apart and equally distinct.At balls held at watering-places, although the residentsdo not take large house-parties
,yet they join forces with
those residents with whom they are acquainted,reinforced
by friends who come down purposely to be present at theball . Thus
,on the face of it
,a steward’s introductions
cannot fail to be ill-rece ived, in whatever set he may becoerced into making them ; and it is well understood thatintroductions, to prove acceptable, should only be madethrough friends and acquaintances, and even then with tactand judgment.As the stewards of a ball are usually the most influential
I ntroductions. I 5
gentlemen in the place, it naturally follows that they areacquainted with many, if not with all, of the principal peoplepresent, therefore when theymake introductions it is not byvirtue of their office, but simply as a matter of friendship,and through being personally acquainted with those introduced by them .
CHAPTER II I .
LEAVING CARDS .
THE etiquette of card-leaving is a privilege which societyplaces in the hands of ladies to govern and determine theiraequaintanceships and intimacies, to regulate and decidewhom they will, and whom they wi ll not visit, whom theywill admit into their friendship, and whom they will keepon the most distant footing, whose acquaintance they wishfurther to cul tivate and whose to discontinue.It would seem that the act of leaving cards is but
imperfectly understood, and that many erroneous impressions prevail respecting the actual use of v isiting cards.The object of leaving cards is to signify that a call hasbeen made, due civility shown, and a like civility expecte din return.Leaving cards, or card-leaving, is one of the most
important of social Observances, as it is the ground-workor nucleus in general society of all acquaintanceships.Leaving cards, according to etiquette, is the first steptowards forming, or towards enlarging, a circle of acquaintances
,and the non-fulfilment of the prescribed rules is a
sure step in the opposite direction. The following is thereceived code of card-leaving in all its details according tothe etiquette observed in good society by both ladies andgentlemen
,and should be faithfully followed.
A Lanr’
s vrsrrrxa (lean should be printed in small,
1 8 Manners and Racks of Good S ociety.
of a house has little or no card-leaving to do, beyondleaving cards upon his bachelor friends .Between ladies the etiquette of card-leaving is very
strictly followed and punctiliously observed in all its laws.Some ladies labour under the mistake of supposing thaton their arrival in town or elsewhere, their acquaintancesshould first call on them, but common sense would alonepoint to the contrary, even if there were no etiquette in thematter ; as friends cannot be supposed to
' guess at thisfact, they therefore require to be officially informed of it bymeans of visiting cards being left upon them.
Visiting cards should be left in person, and should notbe sent by post. Under certain circumstances a servantmight be allowed to leave them for his mistress, delicatehealth, distance, or unfavourable weather would be perhapssufficient and good reasons for sending cards by a servant ;but, as a rule, ladies invariably leave their cards themselves .It was formerly the custom, on arriving in town for ladieshaving a large acquaintance to send their visiting cards totheir various friends and acquaintances by a man-servant,but this practice is now more unusual than usual, i t beingfound more satisfactory for ladies to leave cards themselves .Ladies arriving in town or country should leave cards on
their acquaintances and friends to intimate that they havearrived, or returned home, as the case may be.
THE Romans or Cann Lean na—As regards theroutine of card-leaving when driving, a lady should desireher man-servant to inquire if the mistress of the house atwhich she is calling is at home.” If not at home she
should hand him three cards : one of her own, and two of
her husband’s but if her husband’s name is printed on hercard
,one of his cards only would be required her card is
left for the mistress of the house, and her husband’s cardsfor both master and mistress.
L eaving Cards. 19
When a lady is merely leaving cards,she should hand the
three cards to her servant, saying, “ For Mrs. Thisensures the cards being left at the right address, and is thecorrect formula for the occasion .
When a lady is walking,and finds the mistress of the
house at which she calls, is
“ not at home she should actas above.When a lady intends making a call she should ask ifMrs. is at home ? and if the answer is in theaffirmative, she should, after making the call, leave two of
her husband’s cards on the hall table, and neither put themin the card-basket nor leave them on the drawing-roomtable, nor offer them to her hostess, all of which would bevery incorrect ; but she might on reaching the hall handthemto the man-servant silently, or she might send themin by her own servant when seated in her carriage, saying,“ ForMr. and Mrs. Smith.
” She should not leave her owncard on the hall table
,as
,having seen the lady of the house,
the reason for doing so no longer exists.
When a lady calling is accompanied by her husband andthe mistress of the house is at home, the husband shouldleave one of his cards only, for the absent master of thehouse ; when the master of the house is at home also, acard in that case should not be left.When the mistress of a house has a grown-up daughteror daughters
,the lady leaving cards should turn down one
corner of her v isiting card—the right hand corner generally—to include the daughter or daughters in the call .This custom of turning down a corner of a visiting cardsignifies that other ladies of the family besides the hostessare included in the call . A foreigner often turns down theend of a card instead of one corner only, which has thesame signification .
A lady should not leave one of her husband’s cards foro 8
20 Manners and Rules of Good S ociety.
the daughters of the house, but she not unfrequently leaveshis card for the grown-up sons of the house .When a lady intends leaving cards on a friend who 18 theguest of some one with whom she is unacquainted, she
should only leave cards for her friend and not for herfriend’s hostess but if she 1s slightly acquainted with herf1 iend’s hostess she should leave cards upon her on theoccasion of her first visit to her friend, but it would not benecessary to do so at every subsequent v isit, especially ifthey were of frequent occurrence.Young ladies should not have visiting-cards of their owntheir names should be printed beneath that of their motheron her card . In the ease of there being no mother living,the daughter’s name should be printed beneath that of herfather on the usual lady visiting-card, but never on thesmaller cards used by gentlemen . When young ladies aretaken out into society by relatives or friends, their namesshould be wri tten under the names of the ladies chaperoning them on their visiting cards.
Maiden ladies of a certain age should have visiting cardsof their own, but until a young lady has attained what rstermed a certa in age, it argues no little independence of
action to have a card of her own but when she no‘ longerrequires chaperouage, she is entitled to a card of her own,
being clearly her own mistress, and able to choose her ownacquaintances.When a young lady is on a visi t unaccompanied by herparents, and wishes to call on ladies with whom the ladyshe is staying wi th is unacquainted, she should leave hermother'8 card on which her own name is also printed, andshould draw a penci l through hermother'sname to intimatethat she was not with her on that occasion .
Cards should always be returned within s week if possible,or ten days at latest, afterthey have been left, but to do sowithin a week is more courteous. And care must be taken
L eaw'
ug Cam’s. 2 1
to return the calls or “ cards according to the etiquetteobserved by the person making the call or leaving the card ;that is to say, that a call ” must ‘
not be returned by a cardonly, or a “ card by a “ call. This is a point ladiesshould be very punctilious about.Should a lady of higher rank return a card by a call
,
asking if the mistress of the house were “ at home,” herso doing would be in strict etiquette ; and should she return a call by a card only, it should be understood thatshe wished the acquaintance to be of the slightest andshould a lady call upon an acquaintance of higher rankthan herself, who had only left a card upon her, her doingso would be a breach of etiquette .
In large establishments the hall porter enters the namesof all callers in a book expressly kept for.
the purpose, whilesome ladies merely desire their servant to sort the cards
The name of the lady or gentleman for whom the cardsare intended should never be written on the cards left at ahouse. The only case in which it should be done would bewhen cards are left on a lady or gentleman staying at acrowded hotel, when, to save confusion, and to ensure theirreceiving them, their names should be written on themthus “ For Mr. Mrs. Smith .
” But this would be quitean exceptional case, otherwise to do so would be extremelyvulgar.
Leavrne Ow ns AFTER Exrnammrxssrs—Visitingcards should be left after the following entertainmentsbal ls
,receptions, private theatricals, amateur concerts, and
dinners, by those who have been invited, whether the iavitations have been accepted or not
,and should be left the
day after the entertainment if possible, and certainlywithin the week according to the rules of card-leavingalready described. On these occasions cards should be left
2 2 Manners arid Rules of Good S ociety.
without inquiry as to whether the hostess is at home,
although after a dinner-party i t is the rule to ask if she is athome
,as to dine at a house denotes a greater intimacy than
being present at a large gathering. If the hostess were notat home, cards should be left .If a lady has been but once present at any entertainment,
whether the invitation came through a mutual friend ordirect from the hostess herself, the hostess being but aslight acquaintance of her own, besides leaving cards onher the day following, she can, if she desires, leave cards onher the following season, or, if residing in the same town ,within a reasonable time of the entertainment but if thesecards are not acknowledged by cards being left in re turn
,
she should of course understand that the acquain tance is toproceed no further.A lady should not leave cards on another lady to whomshe has hurt recently been introduced at a dinner-party orafternoon tea ; for instance, she must meet her severaltimes in society, and feel sure that her acquaintance isdesired, before venturing to leave cards . If two ladies areof equal rank, tact wil l be their best guide as to the advisibility of leaving cards or not upon each other the ladyof superior rank may take the initiative if she pleases . If
either of the ladies express a wish to further the acquaintance by asking the other to call upon her, the suggestionshould come from the lady of highest rank ; if of equalrank it is immaterial as to which first make s the suggestion.
But in either case the call should be paid within theweek.
Lssvnvo Oaans UPON N ew Comes—In the countrythe residents should be the first to leave cards on the newcomers, after ascertaining the position which the newcomers occupy in society.
Persons moving in the same sphere should either leave
L easing Cards. 2 3
cards or call according as they intend to be ceremoniousor friendly, and the return visits should be paid in likemanner, a card for a card, a call for a call .It is the received rule that residents should call on new
comers,although having no previous acquaintance wi th
them, or introductions to them.
New comers, even if of higher rank,should not call
on residents in the first instance, but should wait until theresidents have taken the ini tiative. If residents do notwish to continue the acquaintance alter the first meeting
,
i t is discontinued by not leaving cards, or by not callingagain, and if the new comers feel disincl ined to continuethe acquaintance they should return the calls by leavingcards only. Calling on new comers in the country shouldnot be done indiscriminately, and due consideration shouldbe paid to individual status in society.The lady of highest social position in the circle to whichthe new comers belong generally takes the responsibility ofcalling first on the new comers. By new comers is expressed persous who intend to reside in a county or townfor a long, or even for a short period, and who are not
casual visi tors in the place.The customof residents calling on newcomers is entirelyconfined to county society, and does not apply to residen tsin large towns and populous watering places .In old cathedral cities and quiet country towns, far from
the metropolis, on the contrary, the rule holds good of
residents calling on new comers.
CARDS “ To INQUIRE.
"—C al‘d8 to inquire after friendsduring their i llness, should be left in person, and shouldnot be sent by post. On a lady’s visiting card should bewritten above the printe d name : To inquire after Mrs.Smith .
” When the person inquired after is sufiieientlyrecovered to return thanks in person, the usual v isiting
24 Manners and Rule ; of Good S ociety.
card, with “ return thanks for kind inquiries,” writtenabove the printed name is the usual mode of returningthanks, and is all-sufficient for the purpose .
P.P.C . Casns. cards should be left within aweek of departure from town, or within ten days if theacquaintance is a large one.T he letters P.F.C . for pour p rendre congé,written at thelower corner of visiting cards, indicate departure from townor from a neighbourhood. P.F.C . cards should be left inperson or sent by servant
,but should not be sent by post,
and P.F.C . card-leaving should be followed in accordancewith a lady’s visiting list and the routine of card-leaving.
The object of leaving P .F.C . cards is to avoid leave'takingsand correspondence concerning departure, and to preventoffence being given if letters and invitations remain un
answered.Au absence of from one to two months renders leaving
P.P.O. cards necessary ; under that period it would beunnecessary to give notice of a temporary absence whichdoes not amount to an actual departure. Short absencesfrom town render it unnecessary to leave P.P. .O cards.Holiday movemen ts at Christmas, Easter and Whitsuntideare thoroughly recognised, and no leave taking is obligatory. P .P.0. cards should be left al ike upon those who areleaving town and upon those who remain , as a mark of
politeness between those on visiting terms with each other.
BUSINESS Cums—When a lady makes a strictly businesscall upon either a lady or gentleman she should give hercard to the servant to be taken to his master or mistress,but on no other occasion should she do so.
Gsm m u’
s Vrsrrnvc Carma—A gentleman’s cardshould be thin— thick cards are not in good taste—and notglaz ed
,and of the usual narrowwidth ; his name should
2 6 Mariners and Rules of Good S ociety.
accepted in general society. When, however, a bachelorhas his way to make in society and has leisure to furtherthe acquaintanceships he has already made, he should followthe rules of card-leaving.
Bachelors, as a rule, are expected to leave cards on themaster and mistress of a house wi th whom they are se
quainted as soon as they are aware that the family havearrived in town or if a bachelor himself has been away
,he
should leave cards on his acquaintances immediately afte rh is return. He should leave one card for the mistress ofthe house and one for itsmaster.A gentleman should not turn down a corner of his card
,
even though he may be acquainted with other ladies of thefamily besides the mistress of the house. A gentlemanshould not leave a card for the young daughters of thehouse, or for any young re lative of i ts mistress who mightbestaying with her ; but if a married couple with whom
he rs acquainted were staying wi th the friends on whom heis calling, he should leate two cards for them, one for thewife and one forthe husband, and should tell the servant
As regards leaving cards upon new acquaintances,a
gentleman should not leave his card upon a married lady,or the mistress of a house, to whom he has been introduced,however gracious or agreeable she has been to him
,unless
she expressly asks him to call, or gives him to understandin an unmistakeable manner that his doing so would beagreeable to her. This rule holds good, whether the introduction has taken place at a dinner-party, at a ball, at anat home,” at a country-house gathering, or elsewhere hewould not be entitled to leave his card on her on suchslight acquaintanceship ; as, if she desired his further sequaintance
,she would make some polite allusion to his
calling at her house, in which case he should leave his cardon her as soon afterwards as convenient, and he should also
L ear/ing Camiss 2 7
leave a card for the master of the house, the lady’s husbandor father (as the case may be), even if he had not made hisacquaintance when making that of the lady .
A gentleman should not leave a card on a young lady towhom he has been introduced, but upon her mother or therelative with whom she is residing.
When the acquaintance existing between gentlemen isbut slight, they should occasionally leave cards upon eachother, especially when they do not move in the same circle,and are not otherwise like ly to meet ; i t generally followsthat the one who most desires the aequaiutanceship is theone to leave his card first, always supposing that thestrength of the acquaintance would warrant his so doing.
T he one of highest rank should be the one to intiuiate thathe desires the acquaintance of the other ; if tha
'rsak beequal
,i t is a matter of inclination which‘ callsfirst.
The rules of etiquette, though stringent as regardsacquaintances, have little or no application as regardsintimate friends friendship overrules etiquette .When a bachelor has a number of intimate friends
,very
li ttle card-leaving is required from him as far as they areconcerned.
Lmvnvc CARDS An na Enrsrr'ramnm s.—In the event
of a gent leman receiving an '
invitatlon to an entertainmentfrom an acquaintance, or from a new acquaintance
,or
through some mutual friend, heshould leave his cards at thehouse within a week or ten days afte r the entertainment
,
one for the mistress and one for the maste r of the house,
whether he has accepted the invitation or not. Betweenfriends this rule is greatly relaxed.
It is usual for a gentleman to leave his cards on the host,
or on the hostess, after every entertainment to which he hasbeen invited by them, whether it be a dinner-party, or ball,or “ at home,” etc. Whether he has been present or not, the
2 8 Manners and R ules qf Good S ociety.
fact of his having been invi ted by them obliges him to paythem this civi lity, although great latitude as regards timeis now accorded in general society wi th regard to thisparticular rule.If invited by a new acquaintance, the cards should be
left a fewdays afte r the entertainment, but ifby a less recentacquaintance they should be left within ten days or a fortnight, but the earlier the cards are left the greater thepoliteness shown .
If a bachelor acquaintance gives an entertainment, thesame rule applies as to the necessity of cards being left onhim by those gentlemen but slightly acquainte d with himwho have been invi ted to the entertainment.When a gentleman has been invi ted to an entertainment
given at the house of a new acquaintance, whether theacquaintance be a lady or a gentleman, i t would be etiquettefor himto leave his card upon them on their arrival in townor elsewhere , even though they may not have invited himto any subsequent entertainment given by them within theyear. If during the following year they do not againinvite him, he , might consider the acquaintance at an end
and cease to call . These complimentary calls made, orrather cards left, should not average more than four durrngthe year.
THE Pasc'rros or Ssnnrxc WEDDING Cauns is completely out of date .
MEMORIAL CARDS are also out of date in society and
consequently should not be sent to either relatives orfriends.A widow should not make use of her Christian name on
her visiting cards to distinguish her from other members ofher late husband’s family. Her cards should be printed asduring his lifetime.
CHAPT ER IV .
PAYING cums.
LAD IES stand upon strict and ceremonious etiquettewi th each other as regards both paying and receiving calls.Ignorance or neglect of the rules which regulate payingcalls, brings many inconveniences inits train ; for instance,when a lady neglects to paya call due to an acquaintance,she runsthe risk of herself and daughters being excludedfrom entertainments given by the said acquaintance .When a call has not been made within a reasonable time,
a coldness is apt to ari se between ladies but slightly ao
quainted with each other. Some ladies take this omissiongoodnaturedly or inditl’eren tly, while with others the acquaintance merges into a mere bowing acquaintance to besubsequentlydropped altogether.The first principle of calling is, that those who are the
first to arrive in town or elsewhere, whether it is their placeof residence fromwhich they have been temporarily ahm t
,
or whether they intend making a stay of some weeks only,
should be the first to call upon their acquaintances tointimate their return home or their arrival as the casemay be .
“ Morning calls, so designated on account of their being‘made before dinner, are, more strictly speaking, afternooncalls,” as they should only be made between the hours ofthree and six o’clock.
30 Manners and Rules of Good S ociety.
C alls made in the morning— that is before one o’clockwould not come under the denomination of morningcalls, as they can only be made by intimate friends andnot by acquaintances, and are not, therefore, amenable tothe rules of etiquette which govern the afternoon calls,which calls are regulated in a great measure— as to the hourof calling—by the exact degree of intimacy existing betweenthe person who calls and the person called apon . Fromthree to four o’clock is the ceremonious hour for calling ;from four to five o’clock is the semi-ceremonious hour andfrom five to six o’clock is the wholly friendly and without
When a lady is driving when she calls at the house of anacquaintance, she should say to her servant, “ Ask if
Mrs. A is at home .”When a lady is walking, she should ask the same question
herself.When the answer is in the negative, she should leave one
of her own cards and two of her husband’s, and should sayto the servant For Mr. and Mrs. AWhen the answer is in the affirmative
,the lady should
enter the house without further remark and follow theservant to the drawing room .
T he servant should go before the visitor, to lead the wayto the drawing-room
,and, however accustomed a visitor
may be to a house, i t is still the proper etiquette for theservant to lead the way, and announce him or her to hismistress and this rule should not be dispensed with,except in the case of very near relations or very intimatefriends .At the drawing-room door the servant waits for amomentuntil the visitor has reached the landing, when the visitorshould give his or her name to the servant, Mr. A orMrs. A The prefix of hit .
” or Mrs." should never
be omitted when giving the name.
P ay/lag Calls. 3 I
If the visi tor calling bears the title of Honourable itshould not be mentioned by himor her to the servant whengiving the name
,neither should it be mentioned by the
servant when announcing the visi tor.All other titles are given in addition to the name, thusSir George “ Lady Lady Marybut a Countess or a Viscountess, in giving her name to aservant, would say, Lady instead of “ the Countessof and “ Lady instead of the Viscounte ss
7?
An Earl or a Viscount would style themselves Lordor Lord
A gentleman or lady should never give his or her visitingcard to the servant when the mistress of the house is athome.A servant should not knock at the drawing-room door
when announcing visitors. The servant, on opening thedrawing-room door
,should stand inside the doorway, he
should not stand behind the door, but well into the room ;
facing the mistress of the house if possible, and should say,“ Mr. A or “ Mrs. A
When the mistress of the house is not in the drawingroom when a visitor arrives, the visitor should seat herself
Visitors should not make any inquiries of the servant asto how long his mistress will be, or where she is, or whatshe is doing, &c. Visitors are not expected to conversewith the servants of their acquaintances, and should not
A gentleman when calling, should take his hat and stickin his hand with him into the drawing-room, and holdthem until he has seen the mistress of the house andshaken bands with her. He should either place them on
a chair or table near at hand or hold them in his handaccording as to whether he feels at case or the mm
3 2 Manners and Rules'
of C owl S oa'
ety .
until he takes his leave. He should not put his hat onun til In the hall, as in the house, a gentleman should neverput on his hat In the presence of i ts mistress.To leave his hat in the hall would be considered a liberty
and In very bad taste , only the members of a family residing irr the sanie house leave their bats in the hall, or enterthe drawing-room wi thout their hate in their hands. The
fact of hanging up the hat in the hall proves that the ownerof the hat Is at home there .
At A t-homes,” small afte rnoon teas, luncheons, dinners,&c. , the rule is reversed, and hats are left in the h all byinvited gueste r an invi tation giving them the privilege ofso doing.
’
A gentleman should take his stick wi th h im into'
the
drawing room, or a small umbrella if i t answers the purpose of a stick.
When gentlemen wear gloves, they can take them off or
keep them on as they'
please, i t is immaterial which they'
do, but when a call is made when tea is going on, it is moreusual to take themoff.
When the mistress of the house is in the drawing-roomwhen a visi tor is announced—and she should soarrange heroccupations as always to be found there on the afternoonswhen she intends being at home should visitors callshe should rise, come forward, and shake hands with hervisitor. She should not ask her visitor to be seated
,or to
“ take a seat,” or “ where she would hk e to sit ? or “ whichseat she would prefer &c. but should at once sit downand expect her visitor to do the same, as near to herself aspossible.Both hostess and visitor should guard against displaying
a fussy demeanour during a morning call, as a morning callis ottener than not a tétM i-téla, and . a tale-dome between twopersons but slightly acquainted with each other requires aconsiderable amoun t of tact and savoir view to be sustained
34 Momma and Rules of Good S ociety.
cream, without asking whether her v isi tors “ will haveeither, unless she is preparing the cups of tea herself, inwhich m e she should ask the question .
When a second visi tor arrives, ten or fifteen minutesafter the first visitor, the first visitor should take her leaveas soon as she conveniently can . When the second visi toris a lady, the hostess should rise and shake hands with her,and then seat herself, the first visitor, if a lady, should notrise, if a gentleman, he should do so. A hostess shouldonly rise and come forward to meet a gentleman callerwhen he is a man of rank or position, or an elderlyman,this gives her an opportunity of addressing herself to himfor a few moments on his first entering the room. The
second visitor should at once seat him or herself near tothe hostess. She should not formally introduce the visitorsto each other unless she has some especial reason for sodoing. She should, however, in the course of conversationcasually mention the name of each visitor, so that eachmight become aware of the name of the other. Formalintroductions on these occasions are seldom made. But ifthe hostess possesses tact, and a facility and readiness ofspeech, she should skilfully draw both visitors into theconversation (a subject which is fully enlarged upon, inthe work already mentioned in this chapter). The hostessshould not take this latter course unless aware that the twovisi tors would be likely to appreciate each other.When one visitor arrives immediately after the other, the
hoste ss should converse equally with both visitors, and theady who was the first to arrive should be the first to leave,after a call of from ten to fifteen minutes when only onevisitor is present the hostess should accompany her to thedoor of the drawing-room, and linger a fewmoments, whilstthe visitor is descending the stairs. To do so would not
be imperative, but it would be courteous. When the hostis present he should accompany the lady downstairs into
P ay/231g Calls. 33
the hall th is also is an optional civility, and greatlydepends upon the estimation in which the lady is held byhost and hoste ss .When two visitors are present the hostess should rise and
shake hands with the departing visitor ; but unless a personof greater consideration than the visitor who still remainedseated
,she should not accompany her to the drawing-room
door.One visi tor should not rise from her seat when another
is about to take her leave. When visitors are acquaintedwith each other they should rise and shake hands. Whenone of the visitors is a gentleman he should rise
,even if
unacquaintcd with the lady who is about to take her leavehe should not remain seated when the hostess is standing.
When two visitors, either two ladies or two gentlemen,have slightly conversed with each other during a morningcall, they should not shake hands with each other onleaving, but should merely bow. When they have notspoken to each other, they should not bow.
When they have been formally introduced they shouldstill only how,
unless the acquaintance has progressed intosudden intimacy through previous knowledge of each other.When one of the visito rs present is a gentleman he should
open the drawing-room door for the departing visi tor, buthe should not accompany her downstairs unless requestedby the hostess to do so the visitor should bow to himandthank him, but not shake hands with him.
When the hostess has shaken hands with a guest,and
before crossing the room with her, she should ring thedrawing-roomhell, that the servant may be in read iness inthe hall to open the door and to call up the carriage. She
should ring the bell even if the host were accompanying thelady downstairs . It would be thoughtless on the part ofthe hostess to forget to ring the hell to give notice to thesewant that a visitor was leaving.
36 Manners and Rules of Good S ociety.
In the country, where sometimes the horses are taken outof the carriage, the visi tor before rising to depart shouldask if she might ring and order her carriage . When thehostess is wi thin reach of the bell, she should ring it forher ; when a gen tleman is present , he should do so. On the
servant’s entrance, the visitor should ask for her carriage.When a lady is calling on a friend, the guest of some one
with whom she herself is unacquainte d, or even but slightlyacquainted, she should in both cases ask if her friend is athome, and not if the mistress of the house is at home ; and
having paid her visit, on leaving the house she should leavecards for its mistress if she is slightly acquainted with her,but should not do so if she is unacquainted with her.When a lady has a guest staying on a visit to her, if
convenient,she should, when her guest expected visitors,
absent herself from the drawing-room at that particulartime, unless the expecte d visitors are mutual friends of herself and guest.If she is in the drawing-room with her guests when a
visitor is announced so as to render an introduction inevitable,a formal introduction should be made, but the mistressof the house, afte r a very few minutes, should make someexcuse, quietly leave the room, and not return until after thedeparture of the visitor. It would be inconsiderate were themistress of the house to remain in the drawing-room whilecalls were paid to her guest by strangers to herself unless ather guest’s particular request. When a visitor is a gentleman, and the guest a young unmarried lady, the mistress of thehouse should remain in the drawing-room to chaperon her.When the mistress of the house is desirous of makingthe acquaintance of any particular friend of her guest, fromwhom she expected a visit, when the visit occurs and previous to the visitor taking her leave, the guest should ask ifshe will allow her to introduce her to the lady with whomshe is staying. If her. visi tor desires the introduction, she
Paying C (1113 . 37
should then ring and request the servant to tellhis mistressthat Mrs. A . is in the drawing-room, which message thehoste ss would understand to mean that her presence isdesired
, and the introduction would then be made on herappearing. An introduction , if made in this manner, couldbecome the basis of a future acquaintance, both ladieshaving had the Option of refusing the acquaintance of theother if so disposed ; whereas a forced introduction whereno option is given would hardly count as the basis of afuture acquaintance unless the ladies thus introducedmutually appreciated each other.In the country a guest seldom has friends and acquaint
ances in the neighbourhood, who are unknown to herhostess ; if otherwise, the hostess should give her guestthe opportunity of seeing her visitor by leaving themtogether when the call is made.When a guest is present when the mistress of a house ismceiving callers, she should introduce them to her guest orher guest to them
,according to the rank of either (see
chapter on IntroductionsWhen a lady is driving with a friend who is a strangerto the acquaintance on whom she is calling, she should nottake her into the house wi th her, unless she is a younglady, while she makes her call, or unless there is someespecial reason for introducing the two ladies to each other,or unless both ladies have expressed a wish to becomeacquainted with each other. Husbands and wives occasionally pay calls together, but oftener they do not. Alady , as a rule, pays a call by herself, unless she has agrown -up daughter, when she should accompany hermother.O ccasionally two ladies, both intimate wi th the lady ofthe house, pay their calls together. A family party
, of
father and mother and daughter, or daughters, rarely call intown together, save under very exceptional circumstancesbut in the country a fami ly party of three or four would
,
38 Manners and Rules qf Good S ad e/y.
as a matter of course, 0811 together ; i t is country etiquetteto do so .
A considerable difference exists with regard to Sundaycalls,” or calling on Sundays. Lad ies should not payceremonious calls on Sundays ; i t would not be etiquette foran acquaintance to call on a Sunday, i t would rather beconsidered a liberty, unless she were expressly asked to doso. Intimate fri ends, on the contrary, often make Sundaya special day for calling, and therefore, ladies and gentlemen—more especially gentlemen—extend their call ing hoursfrom three until six o’clock on Sundays.When a lady is acquainted with the daughters of a
family only, and not with their father or mother, she shouldcall on the daughters, who should at once introduce her totheir mother on the next occasion of calling. If the motheris not present, the lady calling should leave cards for her ;and at all morning calls, when the daughters of the houserece ive a ceremonious visit from an acquaintance, in theabsence of their mother, whether from indisposition or anyother cause, cards should be left for her in the hall beforeleaving by the lady calling (see chapter on Card-leavingIn all cases, when “ morning calls " are made, and the
lady called on is not at home, cards should be left accordingto the etiquette described in the chapter on
“ LeavingCards,” an etiquette which should be strictly observed whenthe lady called on is at home, cards should be left for thegentlemen of the family, according to the same rules of
card-leaving, which cannot be too punctiliously followed.
A mistress of a house should inform her servant after orbefore luncheon, or be fore the hours for call ing, whethershe intends to be at home to visitors or not during the
Not at home is the unders formula expressive ofnot wishing to see visitors.
Not at home is not intended to imply an untruth,hut
P ay z'
rzg C 39
rather to signify that for' some reason, or reasons, it is notdesirable to see visitors ; and as it would be impossible toexplain to acquaintances, the why and the ' wherefore of
its being inconvenient to receive visitors,the formula of
“ Not at home is all-sufficient explanation, providedalways that a servant is able to give a direct answer atonce of Not at home when the query is put to him. If
a servant is not sure as to whether his mistress wishes tosee visitors or not, it is almost a direct offence to the ladycalling if he hesitates as to his answer, and leaves hereither sitting in her carriage or standing in the hall, whileHe will see if hismistress is ‘At home,’ perhaps returningwith the unsatisfactory answer that she is Not at home ;in which case the intimation is almost received as a personalexclusion rather than as a general exclusion of visitors.If a lady is dressing to go out when a visi tor calls, theservant can mention that fact to a visitor calling, and offerto ascertain if his mistress will see the caller ; and the
caller should use her own discretion as to whether she willallow him to do so or not ; but unless the visit is one ofimportance, it would be best in such a case only to leave
When a second visi tor calls, a servant should not be permitted to say that his mistress is engaged with a lady,” orwith a gentleman,” but should usher the second callerinto the drawing-room,
as he has previously done the firstcaller . He should not inquire as to whether hismistresswi ll see the second caller or not. Nei ther should he informthe second caller as to whether any one is or is not with hismistress, as ignoran t servants are too apt to do.It is not usual to offer coffee at afternoon tea tea only
is given . To ch'er coffee is a foreign fashion , and not anEnglish one.
“ Morning callers should not be conducted to the diningroom to have tea ; and tea is only served in the dining;
40 Manners and Rules of Good S ociety.
room on the occasion of a large afternoon tea, or afternoonat home
,&c. (See chapte r on “ Afternoon T eas.
A lady should place her empty tea—cup on the tablenearest to her, if a gentleman is not present to take itfrom her.It is an old-fashioned custom to have the tea handed
round by a servant at this hour, and is seldom done butwhen done, the tea is brought in already poured out intea-cups, according to the number of guests presen t. The
servant, when announcing the last comer, should be told tonotice the number of guests in the drawing-room and bringcups of tea accordingly. The cream and sugar should beplaced on the same tray, which should be a silver salver,and should be brought to each lady according to her rank,and last of all to the mistress of the house. Each ladyshould help herself to sugar and cream whilst the servantis holding the tray. A plate containing bread-and-hutteror biscuits should also be placed on the tray. The tea-potshould not be brought in .
Tea-cosies should not be used at afternoon tea ; a freshsupply of tea should be brought in for new arrivals.Very small plates are occasionally used at afternoon tea.
S lices of thin bread-and-butte r, cake, and small cakesshould be given with afternoon tea ; pastry, fruit, preserves,tc should not be given . (See chapter on “ AfternoonT eas ”
)
42 Manners and Rules of 6 000! S ociety.
throughout the various degrees of nobil ity. Precedencyaccorded to men and women is fully set forth in the variousPeerages by Burke, Lodge, and Debrett.Thus a table of precedency only would be of comparatively
little use in determining any question of precedency as thebroad outlines of precedency are fairly well understood, andin all cases where precedency is to be established betweenpersons of equal rank it is necessary to refer to a Peeragefor date of creation of title, as this actually decides all
precedency. Thus for precedency due to any member ofnobility a Peerage should be consulted.For precedency due to baronets and their wives a
Baronetage should be consulted.For precedency due to knights and their wives a Knightageshould be consulted in reference to each order of knighthood.For the precedency due to the legal profession a Law Listshould be consulted when it is not defined by office orbirth .
For the precedency due to the clergy a Clergy List shouldbe consulted when superior preferment or birth do notdefine it.For the precedency due to officers in the army and
navy an Army List and a Navy List should be consulted todetermine the precedency due to each in the separateservices.
As regards precedency between officers of the combinedservices a table of Relative Rank and Preeedcncy in theArmy and Navy should be consulted, as a post-captain inthe navy after three years’ service ranks with a colonel inthe army, and a lieutenant or a navigating-lieutenant ofeight years’ standing ranks with a major in the army, and alieutenant or a navigating-lieutenant in the navy of sixyears’ standing ranks with a captain in the army, &c. , &c.
As regards the precedence due to widows bearing titleswho have married again : The widow of a peer married to
P recedmcy . 43
a commoner retains her title by courtesy, and the precedencydue to the title is accorded to her.The widow of a baronet married to a commoner retains
her title by right and not by courtesy.
The widow of a knight married to a commoner retainsher title by courte sy only, but the precedency due to thewidow of a knight is accorded to her.The daughter of a peer if married to a baronet or acommoner retains her precedency, but if married to a baronher prewdency is merged in that of her husband.
When the widow of a duke marries a person of lowerrank than that of her late husband, she still re tains herprecedency.
When the daughter of a duke marries a peer she takesthe precedency due to the rank of her husband ; if shemarries a commoner, precedency is accorded to her due tothe daughter of a duke.Age confers no precedency on either sex . Equals in rank
from the highest to the lowest take precedence accord ing tothe cre ation of their ti tle and not as re gards the age of theperson bearing the title. As for instance, a youthful dukewould take precedence of an aged duke, if the title of
the youthful duke bore an earlier date than that of theaged duke. The same rule applies equally to baronets andknights.When two earls are present at a dinner-party
,the date of
their respective patents of nobility decides the order ofprecedency due to them.
A host or hostess should always consult a Peerage ora Baronetage if in doubt as to the precedence due toexpecwd guests bearing titles wealth or social position arenot taken into account in this matter, i t being strictly aquestion of date.The precedence due to ladies of equal rank takes effect inthe same manner. Thus, a young wi fe of a baronet takes
44 Manners and Rules of Good S oc-if fy.
precedence over the elderly wife of a baronet if the creationof her husband’s title bears an earlier date.
clash, the claims of a gentleman should be waived in favourof those of a lady, should the persons be of opposite sexes.Thus, if two couples of superior rank to the other guestswere present at a dinner-party, the host should take downthe lady of highest rank, and the hostess should be takendown by the gentleman of highest rank, in which case thelady second in rank should go in to dinner before herhusband, although the gentleman taking her down to
dinner were of lower rank than her husband. It wouldnot be etiquette for the gentleman of higher rank to takedown a lady of lesser rank than his wife, so giving alady of inferior rank precedence over a lady of superiorrank .
Esquires, and the wives of esquires, take precedenceaccording to their social position . Members of Parliamenthave no precedence, though it is often accorded to them as amatter of courtesy, especially in the county which theyrepresen t ; the wives of members of Parliament are l ikewiseentitled to no precedence on the ground of their husbandsbeing members of Parliament.T he high sheriff of a county takes precedence over all
other gentlemen in the county, of whatever rank, the lordlieutenant not excepted .
An assiz e judge takes precedence over the high sherifi‘ asthe assiz e judge represents the Sovereign of the Realm.
The high sheriff out of his particular county has noprecedence, nei ther has a lord-lieutenant and the wives ofeither lord-l ieutenants, or high sheriffs, take no precedenceon account of their husbands’ official dignity.
Clergymen, barristers-at-IaW, ofiicers in the army andnavy take precedence over esquires on account of such rank ;and in each profession precedence should be accorded them
P recea'emy . 45
according to their individual rank, 9. general takingprecedence over a colonel, a colonel over a captain, and
so on.
A hostess unmindful or careless of the exact precedencedue to her various guests invariably gives unintentional
In the case of either a husband’s sister or a wife’s sisterbeing required to act as hostess, precedence should be givento the wife’s sister.An eldest son's wife should take precedence of her husband’s sisters in his father’s house.As stated in the chapter on Dinner Parties, at allbanquets, dinner-parties, and ball-suppers, the host shouldtake down the lady of highest rank, and lead the way withher to the dining-room . The guests should follow the hostin couples according to the degree of precedence due tothem, and the host ess should follow the last couple with thegentleman of highest rank present.When a greate r number of gentlemen than ladies are
present at a dinner-party, as is often the case, these gentlemen should follow the hostess to the dining-room and notprecede her.When a widow or maiden lady is hostess, and there is nogentleman of the family present to act as host, the gentle.man second in rank should take down the lady of highestrank, leading the way with her to the dining-room,
thehostess following last, with the gentleman of highest rank.
No precedence is accorded to brides in society, thoughoccasionally in the country old-fashioned people consider itdue to a bride to send her in to dinner with the host on theoccasion of her first dining at a house within three monthsof her marriage.As regards the precedence due to the relatives of a host
or hostess, the precedence due to them should give way infavour of that due to the guests not related to the host or
46 Manners and Rules qf Good
hostess, although their relatives mlght be, perhaps, of
higher rank than the guests themselves.Occasionally, the eldest son of the house acts as second
host, taking down a lady second or third in rank but thedaughters of the house should always be taken down todinner after the other ladies present, and in no case beforethem.
CHAPTER VI .
THE COLLOQUIAL APPLICATION OF TITLES .
Tun colloquial application of titles difl‘
ersmaterially fromthe application of titles when not used colloquially, and
many persons are in doubt as to whether they should or
should not make use colloquially of ti tles in full .The highest lady in the realm , viz , Her Majesty the
Queen, should be addressed as Ma’am ” by the membersof the aristocracy and by all classe s of gentry . She shouldnot be addressed as Madam nor as Your Majesty bythem, but as Ma’am only. The ladies and gentlemen ofher household should also address her as Ma’am.
”
All classes not coming within the category of gentry,such as the lower professional classes, the middle classes,the lower middle classes
,and the lower classes, should all
address her as Your Majesty,” and not as Ma’am .
The Prince of Wales should be addressed as Sir bythe aristocracy and gentry, and not as Your Royal Highness by either of these classes , but he should be addressedas Your Royal Highness by all classes but the two classes
The Duke of Edinburgh, the Duke of Connaught, PrinceAlbert Edward, and all princes of the blood royal, should beaddressed as Sir by the upper classes, and as “ YourRoyal Highness ” by the middle and lower classes, and byall persons not coming with in the category of gentry. Bythe word Gentry is included the landed gentry, all those
48 Mariners and Rules of Good S ociety.
belonging to the Army, Navy, the C lergy, the Bar, theMedical and other professions, the aristocracy of Art, thearistocracy of Wealth, “ Merchant Princes
,
” and the leadingC ity Merchants and Bankers.The Princess ofWales, and all the princesses of the blood
royal, should be addressed as Ma’am by the aristocracyand gentry ,
and as Your Royal Highness by all otherclasses. The wives of the princes of the blood royal shouldalso be addressed as Ma’am by the aristocracy and gentry,and as Your Royal Highness by all other clam .
A foreign prince bearing the title of serene highnemshould be addressed as Prince,” and not as Sir,
”by the
aristocracy and gentry, and as Your Serene Highness byall other classes.A foreign princess, also bearing the title of serenehighness, should be styled Princess when addressedcolloquially by the upper classes, but not as asin the case of the Royal Family of England, and as YourSerene Highness by all other classes.An English duke should be addressed as Duke by thearistocracy and gentry, and not as Your Grace bymembers of either of these classes . All other classes shouldaddress himcolloquially as Your Grace.”An English duchess should be addressed as Duchess
by all persons conversing with her belonging to the upperclasses, and as Your Grace by all other classes.A marquis, colloquially, should be addressed as Lord
A.
A marchioness should be addressed as Lady A. by theupper clm It would be amistake to address an English
marquis as Marquis,” or a marchioness as Marchioness,”
either as My Lord or Your Lordship,” My Lady or“ Your Ladyship.
”
An earl should be addressed as Lord B.” by the upper
50 Manners and Rules of Good S ociety.
addressed as Lady John E .
" or Lady Charles E .
” by theupper classes, and as My Lady or Your Ladyship byal l other classes.The daughters of a duke should be addressed as LadyMary A.
” or Lady Elizabeth B .
” by the upper classes, andas Lady Mary and Lady Elizabe th by those intimatewith them
,and as My Lady or “ Your Ladyship by all
other classes.The eldest son of a marquis should be addressed as Lord
A .
” by the upper classes,and as
“ My Lord ” or “ YourLordship ” by all other classes .The wife of the eldest son of a marquis should be
addressed as Lady A . by the upper classes, and as MyLady or Your Ladyship by all other classes.
The younger sons of a marquis should be addressed asLord Henry B.
” and Lord Frederick B.
” by the upperclasses
,and as My Lord ” or “ Your Lordship by all
other classes .The wives of the younger sons of a marquis should beaddressed as Lady Henry B .
”and Lady Frederick B.
"
by the upper classes, and as My Lady or Your Ladyship by all other classes.T he daughters of a marquis should be addressed as LadyFlorence B .
” and Lady Sarah B.
” by the upper classes,and
as “ My Lady or Your Ladyship by all other classes.The eldest son of an earl should be addressed as Lord
C .
” by the upper classes, and as “ My Lord ” or “ YourLordship by all other classes.T he wife of the eldest son of an earl should be addressed
as Lady C .
” by the upper classes, and as My Lady or
Your Ladyship by all other classes .The daughters of an earl should be addressed as Lady
Blanche and Lady Evelyn by the upper classes,and as
My Lady or Your Ladyship by all other classes .The younger sons of earls, and both eldest and younger
T lze Colloquial App/it alic)” of Tfiles. 5 1
sons of viscounts, and barons, only hear the courtesy title ofhonourable . The daughters of viscounts and barons alsohear the courtesy t itle of honourable. But this title of
honourable should never be used colloquially under anycircumstances. The Honourable Mr. or Mrs . B., or
‘
the
Honourable Miss B should be styled Mr., Mrs , orMiss B .
Baronets should be addressed by their full ti tle and surname, as Sir Johu Blank, by the upper classes, and by theirtitles and Christian names only by all other classes.Baronets’ wives should be addressed as “ Lady B . orLady according to the surnames of their husbandsthus, “ Sir John Black's ” wi fe should be addressed asLady Blank, not as Lady John Blank —to do sowould be to give her the rank of the wife of the youngerson of a duke or marquis instead of that of a baronet’s wifeonly—and as My Lady or Your Ladysh1p by all otherclasses .The wives of knights should be addressed as Lady B.
or Lady according to the surnames of their husbandsthus, Sir John Blank’s wife should be addressed asLady Blank,” and as My Lady or Your Ladyshipby all other classes.
IN mnasssnvc roasmm s or RANK cont oocmnt r ,the received rule is to address them by their individualtitles and surnames.A prince or princess should be addressed by their full
title : thus, Prince Munich,” or Princess Munich,” bythe upper classes. Persons in timate with them usuallyaddress them as Prince or “ Princess,” as the casemay be .In the case of a prince being a younger son
,and not the
re igning head of the house, his Christian name is generallyused after his title when addressing him : thus, “ Prince
l‘h
5 2 Iliamici‘s and Rules of Good S ociety.
Louis, in lieu of Prince only. The same remark
applies to the unmarried daughters of princes. They alsoshould be addressed by their Christian name, in addi t ion totheir title of Princess,” by the aristocracy and gentry, andas Your Serene or Your Imperial Highness, accordingto their birth and title, by all other classes.A French duke should be addressed by his surname, with
the addition of monsieur : thus, “ Monsieur de Roueu,” bythe upper classes, and as “ Monsieur le Due by all otherclasses.A French duchess should be addressed by her surname,
with the addition of madame thus, Mew s de Rouen,”by the upper classes, and as Madame la Duchesse by allother classes.A marquis should be addressed by his surname, with the
addition of monsieur : thus, Monsieur dc Bardsur,” bythe upper classes, and as “ Monsieur le Marquis ” by allother classes.A marquise should be addressed by her surname
,with the
addition of madame : thus, Madame de Harfleur,
” by theupper classes, and as Madame la Marquise by all otherclasses .A comte should be addressed by his surname, with theaddition of mousieur : thus, Monsieur de Montpellier,"by the upper classes, and as Monsieur le Comte by allother classes:A comtesse should be addressed by her surname, with the
addition of madame : thus, “ Madame de Montpellier,
” bythe upper classes, and as “ Madame la Comtesse by allother classes.A vicomte should be addressed by his surname
,with the
addition of monsieur : thus, “ Monsieur de Toulouse,
” bythe upper classes, and as Monsieur le Vicomte ”
by all
other classes.A vicomtesse should be addressed by her surname
,with
Tée C01109 21t Application of Tif!: s. 53
the addition of madame thus, “ Madame de Toulouse,by the upper classes, and as Madamc la Vicomtewe byall other classes.A baron should be addressed by his surname
,wi th the
addition of monsieur : thus, Monsieur d’
Avignon,” by the
upper classes, and as Monsieur lo Baron by all otherclasses .A baronne should be addressed by her surname, with the
addition of madame : thus, Madame d’
Avignon,” by the
upper classes, and as Madame la Baronue by all otherclasses.A young unmarried lady should be addressed as Mademoiselle d’Avignon by the upper classes, and as Mademoiselle by all other classes.In German titles the distinction of “ Von ” before thesurname is seldom used colloquially, the title and surnamebeing used wi thout the prefix of “ Von.
"Thus, “ Count
von Ausberg should be addressed as Count Aasberg in
conversation, and not as Monsieur lo Comte.”Foreign ladies of rank should, when German or Russian,
&c., be addressed by their title and surname, and not bytheir title only
,and the prefix Von should be omi tted
but in the case of a French or Italian title the “ de ” orde la before the surname should on no account beomitted.When Englishmen are extremely intimate with foreigners
of rank they would, in conversation, probably address themby their surnames but only thorough intimacy and friendship warrants this fami l iarity.
As nseaans annasssmc re s ensues : an archbishopshould be addre ssed colloquially as Your Grace or “ Archbishop by the upper classes, and as Your Grace by allother classes.A bishop should be addressed colloquially as. “ “ sh e
54 M amiers and Rules qf Good S ociety.
or Bishop of Dash or Bishop by the upper classes,and as My Lord by all other classes.A dean should be styled Mr. Dean,” “ Dean Dash, or
Dean,” by the upper classes .An archdeacon should be addressed as
“ ArchdeaconDash ,” and a canon as Canon Dash .
”
The wives of archbishops, bishops, and deans should berespectivt
-‘
y addressed as Mrs. A Mrs. or Mrs .They take no title from the spiritual rank of their
husbands.
OFFICERS IN THE ARMY should be respectively addressed asGeneral Colonel Major or Captainand not as General,” Colonel,” or Major
,except by
their very intimate fri ends.The wives of oficers should be addressed as Mrs . AMrs. Mrs. or Mrs . D.
” They should neverbe addressed as
“ Mrs . General Mrs. ColonelMrs . Major C ., or Mrs. Captain D .
A lady should not address her husband colloquially byhis surname only, as “ Jones
,
” Brown,” or by whateverhis surname might be , or speak of him without the prefixof Mr.”The usual rule is for a wife to speak of her husband as
Mr.Brown ,” or My husband,” except to intimate friends,when the Christian name only is fre quently used, and toaddress himby his Christian name only.
A wife should not address her husband by the init iallette r of his surname, as Mr. B .
” or “ Mr. P neithershould a husband address his wife by the initial letter of hissurname .When intimate friends address each other by the initialletter of their names it is by way of pleasantry only, andsuch cases of course do not come within the rules of
e tiquet te.
T/te Cot/ogm'
at Applica tion of T z'
ttes. 5 5
Peeresses frequently address their husbands, and speak ofthem, by the name attached to their title, in place of usingtheirChristian or family name . Thus, the Earl of Blankshire would be styled Blankshire by his wife, withoutthe prefix of Lord,” and his usual signature would beBlankshire,
”without the addition of any Christian name.
Baronets’ wives should not address their husbands bytheir surnames, but by their Christian names, and shouldspeak of themas Sir George or Sir John.
”
The wives of knights also should not address their husbands by the ir surnames, but by their Christian names, andshould speak of them as Sir George or Sir John .
”
The Lord Mayor should be addressed as Lord Mayorcolloquially, and the Lady Mayoress as Lady Mayoress
,
unless the Lord Mayor during office is created a baronet orreceives the honour of knighthood, when he should be
addressed as Sir John or S ir Henry,” and his wife asLady A.
”
CHAPTER VII.
rom'rs or srrous
'rrs as seem s aorar. rsasosaoss
GENERAL society isnow very frequently brought into contact with royalty- members of the Royal Family of Englandand members of various royal families of Europe.With our Sovereign herself this association is of less
frequent occurrence as regards the general public, althoughpersons possessing special inte rest are
,as heretofore, con
stantly brought into communication with HerMajesty.
S trict court etiquette is greatly in abeyance, and laidaside by Her Majesty when paying visits of condolence,or when receiving visits from individuals in her privateapartments .The geniality of the English princes and princesses is
everywhere acknowledged, and the restrictions of courtetiquette are frequently relaxed by their desire when visi ting at the houses of the nobility and gently .
The etiquette that reigns in foreign C ourts—Austria,
Russia, Greece, &c.— is seldom waived, and is adhered to
with much punctilio. So much so is this the case withcertain foreign princes who visit our shores, that the cheervances they claimas due to their exalted position, are oftenfelt to be a restraint upon the hosts whom they honour withtheir company, in town or country, at dinner, ball, orcountry-house party.
On the other hand, many royal personages who occasion
58 Mamzers and Rules of Good S ociety.
When the name or fame of those presented has reachedthe ears of the royal guests, they usually shake hands onthe presentation being made, and enter into conversationwith them; otherwise they merely bow, and make one ortwo passing remarks.A house-party is generally composed of those with whoma royal guest is more or less acquainted. When the partyincludes any one who is a stranger to the royal gues ts, heor she should be presented on the first opportuni ty.
The members of the royal family have each, more or less,their particular set
,as have also the foreign princes who
periodical ly visit this country, and therefore house-partiesare usually made up of those moving in the set of theexpected prince .For the proper mode of addressing royal personag es, see
chapter Colloquial Application of Titles .
As regards Royal invitations, all invitations from theSovereign are commands and must be answered and obeyedas such, and the word command must be made use of inanswering such invi tations. If any reason exists for notobeying Her Majesty's commands it should be stated.
Invitations from the Prince and Princess of Wales aretreated by courtesy as commands, but in replying to suchinvitations the word command should not be used . The
answers to such invitations should be addressed to the Comptroller of the Household
,by whom they are usually issued.
Answers to Royal invi tations should be wri tten in thethird person, and reasons given for non-acceptance.
A previous engagement cannot be pleaded as an excusefor re fusing a Royal invi tation only personal iudispositiouor serious illness, or death of near relatives, would beadequate reasons for not accepting a Royal invitation .
When a Royal invitation is verbally given, the answershould be verbal also.A t all enter tainments at which Royal guests are present
E tiquette as Regalm’s Royal Personag es. 59
they should be received by the host and hostess in theentrance-hall . In the case of Serene Highnesses theyshould be received by the host and conducted by himtothe hostess ; this rule equally applies to the reception of
Eastern Princes.
The et iquette to be observed on the departure of Royalpersonages is identical with that observed on their arrival .With regard to inviting members of the Royal Family to
assist at the opening of any public undertaking, the requestshould be made through the Comptroller of. the Householdof the Prince who is to be inv ited, or through 1118 secretary,and the same rule equally applies to both prince andprincess.
CHAPTER VIII .
POINTS OF ET IQUETTE WHEN TRAVELLING ABROAD, AND
PRESENTAT ION8 AT FOREIGN COURTS .
Tun aequaiutanceship of foreign residents is of considerable service to English people purposing to winterabroad, or to remain for any length of time in a continentalcity, as by its means they obtain an entrance into foreignsociety. An introduction to the English Ambassador orMinister, at a foreign court is of still greate r service in thismatter.People of recognised position in society have the privilege
of leaving cards at the English Embassy at any foreign cityin which they intend making a temporary stay.80 thoroughly is the position of English travellers known
to the English Ministry at a foreign court,that should a
person, who is not received in English society, leave cardsat the Engl ish Embassy, they would be at once returned asan intimation that the acquaintance is declined.It is erroneous to suppose that by leaving cards upon
foreigners of distinction, an aequaiutanceship can be commenced, for unless introductions have been formally made,leaving cards is a useless proceeding.
At far-away spots little frequented by the general run of
travellers, and where there are but few, if any, residentEnglish, travellers requiring advice or assistance from theEnglish consul, can, without an introduction, call uponhim, national ity being the ground upon which to do this,
E tique tte A dread. 6 x
and if of equal sod al standing, they would be received withsocial consideration ; if otherwise, all assistance would begiven to them from an official point of view. Manypeople when travelling abroad make pleasant acquaintanceseven without the help of introductions, the occasion of ameeting being as it were a semi-introduction in itself.Such casual acquaintanceships are, however, attendedwith certain risks, especially to persons who have beenabsent from England some little time, or who when inEngland have entered comparatively but little in society,and who are thus apt to drift unawares into close friendships with people perhaps well bred and agreeable, althoughtabooed at home for some good and sufficient reason.
Conb'etemps such as these are painful to kind-heartedpeople when subsequently compelled to avoid and to
relinquish the acquaintance of those with whom theyhave become pleasantly intimate . An introduction to anEnglish resident in either town or city obviates any nu
pleasantness of this nature, as one so situated is generallykept an courant with all that takes place in society athome.When persons desire to enter into society abroad theyendeavour to obtain letters of introduction from friendsand acquaintances to residents in the cities they purpose
Unless English travellers have been duly presented atthe court of St James’s, they cannot obtain presentations atforeign courts through the English Embassies.When a lady desires a presentation at a foreign court,she should write to the English Ambassadress and requestthe honour of a presentation, and should state the date ofher presentation and the name of the lady by whom she waspresented. After her st atement has been duly verified therequest is granted. In a l ike manner when a gentlemandesires a presentation at a fore ign court, he should write to
6 2 M auuers and Rules of Good S ociety.
the Ambassador and request the honour of a presentation,and should state the date of the Levée at which he waspresented, and the name of the person by whom the
presentation wasmade .
Presentations at foreign courts take place in the evening,and the persons to be presented, and those who attend,assemble previous to the entrance of the Royal personagesthe ru le is for the grand maitresse to present each lady inturn to her royal mistress, who makes the tour of the
apartment for this purpose, and addresses some courteousobservation to each .
CHAPTER IX .
rns ascsrvsn nous or raonouxcmo CERTA IN sunxm s.
T unas are, perhaps, two reasons why various surnamesare so frequently mispronounced, the one being unfamiliarity with the freak of fashion which governs the pronunciation of certain well-known names, the other ignorance, or want of education .
When sensitive persons hear a name pronounced difi‘
er~
ently to the way in which they have themselves but justpronounced it, and in a tone and manner strongly suggestiveof correction, i t is wounding to their amourpropre.
As a rule, when persons are in doubt as to the correctpronunciation of any particular name, i t would be best toavoid mentioning it, if possible, until their doubts are setat rest by some one better informed than themselves.Names that have a fashionable or peculiar pronunciation,
or are pronounced otherwise than as they are spelt,are but
few,and names which it is possible wrongly to accent are
also not very numerous but it is surprising how oftenthese names occur in the course of conversation.
The names of disting uished artists that are open to mispronunciation occur far oftener in conversation than do thegeneral run of uncommon surnames.There are many celebrated hunts and hunting quarters ofwhich the names are open to considerable mispronunciat ion.
With regard to placing the accent on the wrong syllablein the pronunciation of names, it requires but little thought
64 M auuers and Rules qf Good S ociety.
to avoid making this mistake, a popular error being that ofplacing the accen t upon the last syllable of a name where,as in a name of two syllables, the accent should invariablybe placed upon the first, and the second syllable should beas it were sligntly abbreviated or slightly altered, where thelast syllable, and not the first, should be accented.
In names of three syllables the error usually consists inplacing the accent upon the last syllable, whereas the accentshould be placed upon the second syllable. There are oeca~sional exceptions to this rule, and the few names given inthis chapter, both as regards their pronunciation andaccentuation, will serve as a useful guide in the pronunciation of uncommon names.
BPM . sw an s.
A c not sounded.
Accent on first syllable.
Accent on first syllable .
11 not sounded.Accent on third syllable .
Accent on first syllable.Accent on last syllable.
Accent on last syllable.
C alderon.
Accent on first syllable.r kburn. 01: not sounded.
PRONOUNCEDo
Arbuth'not.Arrendel.Abergenny .
Beckonsfield.
Bo’clair.
Beacham.
Bever.Beeton.
Bis'ter.
Burk.
Burn.
Bola .
Blunt.Bly.
Breaddal'bane.
o u r.
McIntosh.
Manx.
Mon!
Ruthven.
Livden.
Mnnk.
Befmcr.
Accent on third ”Webb .
The a not sounded.Accent on first syllable .
The re sounded, with
slight accmt on last
Am t on first syllable .
Accent on second synable.
Accent on last syllableAccent on first syllable.
Not Pitehlcy.
Accent on first syllable.
Pronunciation of Certain S urnames. 67
srnnr. raonouncsn. aaxu xs.
Sinclair.
As regards Christian andsurname , but as St.
John when applied tochurch or locality.
Strachan. Strawn.
Tollmash .
Trafalgar.
The a sounded.Vealbwor.
Walgrave. The 30 not launder!.Weemss.Willowby D'Ersby.
Accent on first syllable.
Accent on last syllable .
Accent on second syllable .
Accent on last syllableas regards the peer of
that name, not otherwise.
CHAPTER X .
PRESENTAT IONS AT DRAWING-ROOMS AND ATTENDING
DRAWING-ROOMS .
DRAWING-ROOMS ARE ATTENDED BY those ladies whohave been presented to Her Majesty.
They have the privilege of attending one drawing-roomin each year ; but to attend a drawing-room annually is notobligatory on society in general, and ladies can attendwithin any number of years, provided no change has takenplace in their social position during the interval that hasbeen allowed to elapse but the usual custom is formarriedladies to atte nd a drawing-room either annually, in alternateyears, or within a period of from three to five years.As REGARDS Yours Unm ursn LADIES
,the rule is very
variable as to the number of times they attend a drawingroom after a first presen tation : some attend the followingyear ; others not again until their marriage, when a freshpresentation becomes necessary ; and others in alternateyears. The unmarried daughters of the nobility usuallyattend annually, but this also is a matte r of inclination .
THE NUMBER or m s who attend Her Majesty’sdrawing-rooms is yearly on the increase ; formerly, onlypersons of recognised position considered themse lves justified in being presented, but of late years persons whosesocial status scarcely comes under this head consider themselves eligible for the honour of a presentation .
A ttendance at D rawn/g rooms. 69
THE Passoss ENTITLED To ATT END HER M ussrr’s
DRAWING-ROOMS are the wives and daughters of themembersof the aristocracy, the county gentry and town gentry, thewives and daughters of the members of the legal
,military,
naval,clerical, medical, and other professions, the wives
and daughters of merchants,bankers, and members of the
Stock Exchange, and persons engaged in commerce on alarg e scale. The wives and daughte rs of the wealthymanufacturers are not themselves debarred from attendingdrawing-rooms and levees if their wealth, education, andamociations warrant themin so doing.
Although the word gentry is thus elastic, and althoughpersons coming within the category might be fairly entitledto the privilege of attending drawing-rooms, yet it is wellunderstood that birth, wealth, associations, and positiongive a raz’son d ’
élra for such privilege as,for instance, the
wife or daughters of an officer in the navy, or a line regiment, whose means are slender, and whose position is obscure,would not be justified for these reasons in attending adrawing-room, although the officer himself might attend alevee if desirous of doing so ; and this remark equally appliesto the wives and daughters of clergymen, barristers, andothers similarly situated.From the classes above enumerated the wives and
daughters of those holding high official appointments in theGovernment, and the wives and daughters of Members ofParliament, are specially entitled to presentations to Her
PRESENTATIONS To HER MAJESTY are made officially bythe various foreign ambassadresscs, by the wives of the members of the cabinet, and by the wives of other officialpersonages in various departments of the state, either civil,military and naval, or clerical .Presentations to Her Majesty should be made either by a
relative or a friend of the lady presemted who hm herself
A lady making a presentation must attend the drawingroom at which the presentation is made.When a presentation is not made officially or by a near
relative i t is considered a favour on the part of the personmaking the presentatimi towards the person presented.
whomakes iaboth as to the social andmoral fitnemof theperson presente d ta‘ierefore, to solicit the favour of a prescutation froma mere acquaintance is to incur a considerable obligat ion, and it is a favour ladies have no hesitationin refusing unless good rewons exist for granting it.
the responsibil ity rests upon the office rather than uponthe person making the presentation ; hence presentations somade have little personal significance to the person makingthem.
A LADY mvme BEEN PRESENTED, has the privilege of
der of her life, unless any change occurs in her social position ; that is to say, if presented before her marriage, shemust again be presented after her marriage
,and she could
not attend a drawing-room unless thus again presented.
On the accession of her husband to any title,she would
again have to be presented,and should she marry a second
time another presentation would be necessary to entitle herto attend one of HerMajesty’s drawing-rooms.
IT Is THE FaIe Ee E or THE MARRIED LADY To m s
PnEs TAT Ioss, but when a lady does not occupy a prominentand thoroughly recognised position in society she is expectedto exercise the greatest discretion in the use of such privi .lege. Persons of distinction and consideration are from theirassociations less likely to make a mistake in this direction.
Presentations at Drawing -rooms. 7 1
An Um aamn LADY Dons nor Possess THE Palv on
FOUa DRAWING-ROOMS Asa USUALLY EELD DURING THE
YEAR, and are now held at Buckingham Palace instead of
at St. James’s as heretofore, greater accommodation beingavailable at the former palace than at the latter.Two drawing-rooms are held before Easter and two after
Easter, but due intimation is given previous to each drawing-roombeing held by the Lord Chamberlain through themedium of the ofiicial Gaz ette, from whence it is copied intothe newspapers.A lady is not expected to attend more than one drawingroom out of the four held each year it would be veryunusual were she to do so.The wives ofmembers of the cabinet and of the ambassa
dors or ministers at the Court Of St. James’s usually attendthe four drawing-rooms, and have the privilege of doing soby reason of the Official presentations made by them at each
IT IS NOW COMPULSORY FOR A LADY making a presentation to be herself present at the drawing-room at which thepresentation is to be made, though it is not necessary forher to accompany the person whom she presents, but simplyto attend the same drawing-room .
WHEN A LADY INTENDBm umA PRESENTATION sheshould write a note to the Lord Chamberlain informing himof her intention of being present, and mentioning the nameOf the lady to be presented by her.WHEN A LADY Is ABOUT To an a sTED she should
apply at the Lord Chamberlain’s Oflicc for two cards, whichrequire to be filled in the vacant spaces with the dcsiredinformation—name, addrm , whom the wife of, whom thedaughter of, and by whom to be presented One of these
7 2 M anners and Rules of Good S ociety.
cards must be signed by the lady making the presentation .
These cards should be left at the Lord Chamberlain’s Officewithin three or four days at least Of that on which thedrawing-room is appointed to be held, in order that the listof the names Of the ladies to be presented may be duly submitted for Her Majesty’s approval.Two other cards should be Obtained from the Lord
Chamberlain’s office the day previous to the drawing-room,
which should be fi lled in according to the form of thestatements required—the name of the lady presented, andthe name Of the lady by whom the presentation is to bemade.These cards should be taken to the Palace on the day of
the drawing-roomby the lady who is to be presented, andshould be given by her
,the one to the page in the ante
room, and the other to the usher at the entrance of theThrone-room, by whom i t is handed to the Lord Chamberlain,who then announces the names to Her Majesty.
DRAWING-ROOMS oom ncE at two O’clock or three O’clockaccording to the notice given . Her Majesty usually remainsin the Throne-room from an hour to an hour and a half,when the Princess of Wales takes her place. Her Majestyusually stands the whole of the time when holding a drawingroom, which is naturally very fatiguing when the drawingroom is a full one and the Princess of Wales stands also,as do the other members of the Royal Family present.Tnosn WHO nAvE THE PRIVILEGE or THE ENTBEE en terat the gate of the Palace situated outside Buckingham Gate.Those who posse ss th is privflege are the diplomatic circle,the Cabinet ministers and their wives, and the members ofthe Household. The rooms, two in number, next to thePresence Chamber, are appropriated to them. All who havethe privilege Of the année are received by Her Majestybefore the general circle, and according to their individual
extends it to the lady presented for her to kiss, which sizeshould kiss while curtseying.
Peeresses and daughters of peers do not kiss the Queen’shand, as HerMajesty kisses than on the cheek or forehead
When the Princess ofWales takes HerMajesty’s place ata drawing-room, a lady on Ine sentation does not kiss herhand, but curtseys only.
A lady on being presented, should curtsey to any leadingmember of the Royal Family when she has passed HerMajesty, and should leave the presence, stepping backwards,from curtsey to curtsey, thus facing the Royal party, untilmaking her exit from the apartment, when an Official placesher train on her arm at the threshold Of the doorway.
been duly presented, i t is not necessary to inform the LordChamberlain of her intention of so doing. She should taketwo large cards with her with her name clearly written uponthem, one of which she should give to the Page-in-waitingin the corridor
,and the other to the official stationed at the
door of the Presence Chamber. These cards may beobtained at BuckinghamPalace on the day of the drawingroom, but much delay is avoided by a lady bringing thecards with her.A lady attending a drawing-roomdoes not kiss the Queen’s
hand, as on her presentation, but curtseys to her only asshe pu se s she should also curtsey to the leading membersof the Royal Family on passing them, in the order in whichthey stand.
IN THE GENERAL C IRCLE THERE rs NO PREOEDv Y asto the order in which ladies attending a drawing-room enterthe Presence Chamber. The earliest arrivals are the firstto appear before Her Maj esty
,without reference to rank or
Presentations at Drawing-rooms. 75
position ; and the same rule applies to ladies who are presented, or to ladies who make presentations.A MARRIED LAnr PRESENT ED AT A DRAWING-BOOM can,
at the same drawing-room,make a presentation ; but in
this case the person presented by her, should enter thePresence Chamber after her and not before her.Lamas WHO HAVE BEEN PRESENTED AT A DR Awrxc
ROOM have the privilege of writing their names in HerMajesty’s v isiting-book at BuckinghamPalace once duringthe season , but only when Her Majesty is residing at thePalace . The hours of call ing for this purpose are generallyfromthree to five o’clock in the afte rnoon .
WHEN THE Parxcsss or WALES assists Her Majesty inholding a drawing-room, persons who attend a drawingroom have also the privilege of writing their names in thevisiting-book of the Prince and Princess of Wales atMarlborough House but the privi lege does not extend anyfurther
,and they are not entitled to write their names in
the visi ting-books of other members of the Royal Family,unless personally acquainted, or otherwise brought intocontact with them.
Ir rs nrrsRA'rrvE FOR LAD IES ro WEAR FULL DaEss
when attending or being presented at a drawing-room,viz . ,
low bodice, short sleeves, and train to dress not less thanthree yards and a half in length.Whether the train is cut round or square, or fastened
from the shoulders or from beneath the bodice,is a matter
of inclination or fashion .
It is also imperative that a presentation-dress should bewhite, if the person presented be an unmarried lady ; andi t is also the fashion for married ladies to wear white ontheir presentation, unless their age renders their doing sounsu itable.
76 Manners and Rules of Good S ociety.
The white dresses worn by either débutantes or marriedladies, may be trimmed with either coloured or white flowers,according to individual taste.Ir rs eoneursonr FOR BOTH MARRIED AND UNNARR IED
LADIES TO WEAR Pumas The married lady’s court plumeconsists Of three white feathers.Au unmarried lady’s of two white feathers .A lady must either wear lace lappe ts or a tulle veil as a
rule, the former are worn by married ladies, and the latterby unmarried ladies but this is also a matter Of individualtaste . Until recently
,coloured feathers were adopted by
many ladies attending drawing-rooms but the originalregulations respecting the wearing O f white plumes are nowstrictly enforced by Royal command.
The regulation respecting low bodices is also absolutethough under very exceptional circumstances, permissioncan be Obtained from the Lord Chamberlain for amodification of this decree
,if the application be accompanied by a
certificate from a physician as to the inability of the applicant to appear in a low bodice.
A GENTLEMAN mrcnr ACCOMPANY ms WIFE OR
DAUGHTER to a drawing-room if he has been previouslypresented at a levee, and pass Her Majesty in he
'
s turn,
but it is unusual for a gentleman to do so. Her Majesty’seXpress wish that gentlemen should not attend drawingrooms which are held for ladies only, being thoroughlyunderstood and generally respected .
Ir BY No MEANS FOLLOWS that a presentation to HerMajesty entitles a person to an invitation to either of theState -balls or Concerts held during the London season atBuckingham Palace, although many persons erroneouslysuppose it to be the case .
Formerly the Lord Chamberlain strictly enforced the rule
Presentat ions at Drawingr ooms. 77
of not issuing invitations for either of these entertainmentssave to those persons who had attended a drawing-room orlevee in the same year in which the ball or concert wasgiven
,but latterly this rule has been rescinded by Her
Persons who have been presented at drawing-roomsare not entitled to attend a “ Court.” A Court is a
reception held by Her Majesty, and persons attend it bycommand of Her Majesty only ; and no presentationsare made except by command also. One or two Courts atmost are held each year, and are usually held before Easter,at which the leading members of the aristocracy, the diplomatic body, the Premier, and members of the Cabinet, &c.,
are rece ived .
SHOULD ANY PERSON RE PRESENTED whose antecedentsor present posi tion renders her socially unqualified to bepresented, the Lord Chamberlain, on becoming aware of thefact, would at once cancel the presentation, and Officiallyannounce it in the Gazetfe, and the person making suchpresentation would be expected to tender an apology for sodoing.
CHAPTER XI .
PRESENTATIONS AT LEvEEs AND ATTENDING LEvEEs.
LEvEEs ARE HELD BY THE PRINCE or WALES on behalfof Her Majesty, and it is Her Majesty’s pleasure that apresentation to the Prince ofWales should be equivalent toa presentation to herself.FOUR LEvEEs ARE USUALLY HELD EVERY YEAR by the
Prince ofWales at St . James’s Palace .Gentlemen are Officially presented by the beads of any
department or profession to which they individually belong,
whe ther civil or military, naval or clerical ; it is more usualfora gentleman to be presented by the head ofhisdepartment,or by the colonel of his regiment, than by his nearest relative.PRESENTATIONS ARE ALSO MADE BY RELATIVES and
friends of those presente d ; but these are greatly in theminority at all levees.
GENT LEMEN MUST BE AGAIN PRESENTED at every step intheir career, whether civil, military, naval, or clerical,—on
civil appointments, on gaining steps of naval, mili tary, legalor clerical rank, and on accession to title, whether inheritedor conferred.
A gentleman is not expected to attend more than onelevee each year.THOSE ENTITLED To BE PRESENTED AT HER MAJESTY
’
S
LEvEEs ARE the members of the aristocracy and gentry,
the members of the diplomatic corps, the Cabinet, and all
P rescHIaliom and A ”swag Lewes. 79
coding Government ofi eials, Members of Parliament, lead
profemions, the leading members of the clerical profession,the leading members of the medical and artisticpmfessions,the leading bankers, merchants, and members of the StockExchange, and persons engaged in commeroe on a largo
scale ; but at trade known as retail trade, however extensive its operations, the line is drawn, and very strictlyso, as were a person actually engaged in trade to obtain apresentation, his presentation would be cancelled as soon asthe Lord Chambm'lain was made aware of the nature of hisoccupation,’ but the sons of wealthy manufacturers are notprecluded from attending levées if their wealth, education,and associations warrant their so doing.
The date s on which levees are to be held are duly announced in the Gazette, and in the daily newspapers.WHEN A GENTLEHAN Is ABOUT TO BE PRESENTED heshould obtain two cards at the Lord Chamberlain’s Office,to be filled in and left at the office three or four daysprevious to the day of the levee ; and two large cards,which have also to be fi lled in with his name and the nameof the person presenting him,
which he should take to thePalace with him on the day of the levee, to be given, theone to the official in the ante -room, and the other to theO fficial stationed at the door of the Presence Chamber.Unless young single men are of high rank and social
standing they do not usually make presentations.Gentlemen of inferior posi tion and social standing are not
WHEN A GENTLEHAN HAHES A PRESENTATION it is
compulsory for him to at tend the same levee as the personwhom he precents ; and he mnst give nctice at the Lord
“ An this rule is mado in favonr of any psraon n
cei hen bol the office of Mayor, or madea Ja
n
ine of the Peace, or on re‘c
‘
zigving a Commimion in the V untcer
80 M anners and Rules of Gabd S oa'
dj l .
Chamberlain’s office that he intends to make the prescu tation , besides signing the card sent into the Office threeor four days previously . But if purposing to attend alevee only, and not intending to make a presentation, itwould not be necessary to give notice but he should taketwo large cards with him with his name written upon them.
A GENTLEMAN ON BEING PRESENTED bows to the Princeof Wales, but would not kiss his hand but he wouldkiss Her Majesty’s hand, were she to hold a levée in person .
Gentlemen attending a levee, also how to thePrince ofWales,and to any leading members of the Royal Family present.The Prince of Wales usual ly shakes hands with any
gentleman present with whom he is personally acquainted,
and always with peers and sons of peers .GENTLEMEN WHO HAVE BEEN PRESENTED at a levee have
the privilege of writing their names in Her Majesty’s visiting book at Buckingham Palace, once during the season,but only when Her Majesty is re siding at the Palace. The
hours of calling for this purpose, are generally from threeto five o’clock in the afternoon.
When the Prince of Wales holds a levée, persons whoattend have also the privilege of writing their namesin the visiting-book Of the Prince and Princess of Wales atMarlborough House but the privilege does not extend anyfurther, and they are not entitled to write their names inthe visiting-books of other members of the Royal Family
,
unless personally acquainted or otherwise brought intocontact with them . Should any person be presented whoseantecedents or present position renders him socially nu~
qualified to be presented, the Lord Chamberlain, on becoming aware of the fact, would at once cancel the presenta :tion and Officially announce it in the Gazette, and the personmaking such presentation would be expected to tender anapology for so doing.
PERSONS WHO HAVE BEEN PRESENTED at a levee are not
Manners and Rules of Good S oezezfy.
Old court dress consisting of silk waistcoat, lace ruffles,and bag wig, is occasionally worn by elderly gentlemen.
Dark claret, dark blue, and dark brown, are the coloursusually worn by civilians when the suit is of cloth, andblack when it is of velvet.Gentlemen wear gloves when attending levees, but they
remove the right hand glove before entering the PresenceChamber.When the Court is inmourning, gentlemen attending a
levee are expected to wear a band of black crape on the leftarmabove the elbow.
THE LEvEEs HELD BY THE COMMANDER-IN-CHIEE are
intended for military men only, and not for civilians, andare S immy military receptions at which presentations arealso made.
CHAPTER XII .
BALLS are given in town and country by society at large ,and these invitation balls include Hunt Balls, Military andNaval Balls, Militia, Yeomanry, and Volunteer Balls,Bachelor’s Balls, etc.PUELIO BALLS are those balls for which tickets of
admission can be purchased, although for many of theseballs it is necessary to Obtain vouchers fromthe committeesor patronesses, when held in town or at watering places.
Public balls include County Balls, Charity Balls, andSubscription Balls, etc.
IN TOWN, BALL GIVING is in a way a science, and anamusement upon which large sums of money are frequentlyu pended
A CROWDED BALL is not always pronounced a good ballby the guests
,often the contrary
,but then, again, what is
termed a thin ball is open to the accusation of not goingoff well, and falling rather flat, of not being kept up withSpirit, and of being considered a stupid ball, and so on.
To hit upon a happy medium with regard to the numberof guests is an achievement in bal l giving, which is onlyarrived at by a careful study of the map of the country, anda judicious selection of night. This selection is of paramount importance to the success of a ball, as when a
O 2
84 Manners and Rules of Good S ociety.
smarter ball is given at a smarter house on the particularevening chosen by the giver of a less brilliant ball, thegrander ball extinguishes the lesser ball, through the
most fashionable pecple merely looking in at the one, andremaining the rest of the evening at the other. Thisputting out as it were of the lesser light
,owurs very
frequently during the London season to ball givers movingin the same sets. The guests who have been expected toadd lustre to the lesser balls appear but for a few minutes,and usually arrive rather early, uncomplimentarily early, atperhaps a little before eleven, and remain hardly half an
hour in the rooms, making their way to another ball of thesame calibre, and remaining there perhaps another twentyminutes, before arriving at the goal, viz . : the ball of theevening. Both ladies and gentlemen follow this practice,thus, at a little after twelve, an average ball giver finds herrooms deserted by all but those who have nowhere else togo. Although the fli tting of the guests thus early is adisappointment to the hoste ss, and although it does notprevent the fleeting ball givers from making suitablereturns by placing the family on their ball lists, it yetgreatly mars the enjoyment Of the ball, and prevents i tbeing looked back upon with anything approaching topleasure or satisfaction, the departure of the most eligiblepmtners being not the least of the vexations of the night.These controtemps are sometimes unavoidable but, when
pract icable, it is always best to postpone a ball rather thanto allow it ‘
to clash with a ball of greate r pretentious.An impromptu dance is often a great success, while an im
promptu ball is almost as certain to prove a great failure.
THE DIEEERENOE BETWEEN A DANOE AND A BALL consists in the number of the invitations issued, in the strengthof the band, and the extent of the supper arrangements.At a dance the number of the guests varies from eighty
86 Manners afla'R ules of Good Society.
A lady and gentleman should not ascend the staircasearm-ia-arm, or make their entrance into the ball-room armin-arm. The gentlemen invariably en ter the ball-roomafter the ladies of their party, and never before them, orarm-in-arm with them . A ball is usually Opened either bythe hostess herself, or by one of her daughters.OPENING A BALL simply signifies dancing in the first
quadrille at the top of the room with a gentleman of
highest rank present.When a member of the Royal Family
,or a foreign
Prince, is expected, dancing should not commence until thearrival of the Royal guest ; andWhen the Royal guest Is alady, the host should open the ball with her, having hiswife or daughter as visa-via. When the Royal guest is aPrince, the hostess or her daughter should open the ballwith him .
When a Prince wishes to dance with any lady present,with whom he is nnacquainted, his equerry informs her ofthe Prince’s intention, and conducts her to the Prince,saying as he does so, Mrs. A Sir
,or
,Miss B
Sir.”The Prince bows and offers her his arm ; the lady
should curtsey, and take it. She should not address him,
unti l addre ssed by him, i t not being considered etiquetteto do so. The same course is followed by a Princess ;strangers to the Princess should not ask her to dance,the host has the privilege of doing so. When more thanone Royal personage is present, the one of the highest rankleads the way, with either hostess or host. (See chapteronROYAL GUESTS should be mceived by the host and
hostess at the entrance of the mansion, and by themconducted to the ball-room.
The same etiquette should be Observed on the departureRoyal guests as on their arrival.
Balls and S tale Balls. 87
GENERAL INTRODUCTIONS should not be made to Royalguests
,and introductions should be made by request only.
Gentlemen present at a ball are expected to ask thedaughters of the house for one dance at least.A hostess should use her own discretion as to anyintroduction she thinks proper to make . When a ball isgiven in the country, the hostess should endeavour tofind partners for those young ladies who are strangers tothe general company. But when a ball is given in town,she is not expected to do so
,as in town the guests are
supposed to be acquainted with each other more or less, andto be independent of the kind offices of a hostess.THE DANCES sowmvoeus are “
Quadrilles,” “ Lancers,Valses,” The Highland Schottische,” The HighlandReel,” and the Polka,” which latter has taken the place solong occupied by the galop .
Country dances, such as the Tempete,” Sir Roger deCoverley,” etc., are usually danced at private balls whengiven in the country ; and often a London ball concludeswith a Cotillon,” in which expensive presents are given.
Tan Pascsnsscr oassnvsn in sending guests in to
supper is far more punctiliously followed in the countrythan in town, the host should take in the lady of highestrank present, and the hostess should endeavour to send inthe principal guests according to their individual rankbut in town she generally leaves the guests to follow thehost and lady of highest rank according to their inclinations,a guest should not enter the supper-room before the hosthas done so.For the various descriptions of ball-suppers, see the work
entitled Party Giving on every Scale.”When a gentleman takes a lady in to supper, he should
t e-conduct her to the ball-room as a matter of course thefact of friends joining her in the supper roomwould not
88 Mauser; and Rules of Good S oaely .
relieve him from this obligation . And the same etiquetteappl ies equally to a lady. She should return ' to the bal lroom only with the gentleman who has taken her downto supper, unlem she is engaged for the ensuing dance ,when her partner might come in quest of her she shouldthen return to the ball-roomwith him.
I t is not usual for guests to take leave of a hostess at aLondon bal l . This remark applies to acquaintances of thehoste ss
,and not to intimate friends.
At a country ball the guests are on a more friendlyfooting than is generally the case in town ; and, therefore,make a point of taking leave of the hostess if possible.It is optional whether a host conducts a lady to her
carriage or not. In the country more is expected of himthan in town in this respect, as at a London ball, such acivility would involve a vast amount of exertion which fewhosts would be willing to undergo : ladies accompan iedby an acquaintance generally make their way to theircarriages.
Tan cusromor oovsnme m SMALL BALCONIES, and thewindows of the drawing-rooms where a ball takes place
,
rendering the atmosphere of the room almost insupportablefrom the total exclusion of air
,is fast disappearing. The
space gained by this means for the accommodation of the
guests is totally disproportionate to the discomfort therebyentailed upon them .
Ball givers have at length real ised the mistake of crowdingof from between two hundred to three hundred peopletogether into rooms not properly ventilated, and it is nowthe rule, when covering in balconies, to introduce windowframes into the hunting covering, and to drape themwi thlace curtains, etc. The windows of the hall-room beingentirely removed .
Large blocks of ice are frequently placed in convenient
9 3 Mariners and Rules of Good S ociety.
hood where the ball is held ; but there are two classes ofcounty balls
,bulls which are held in large and populous
towns and attended by the principal residents of the towns,with only a small sprinkling .of the county aristocracy andcounty gentry.
There are also Hunt balls and annual Charity balls whichtake place between October and February, and which are anamalgamation of both classes of balls.The neighbourhood where a ball is held is a sufficien t
indication as to whether it is likely to be a smart one ornot.As a rule the leading lad ies of a county lend their namesas patronesses and supporters of a charity bal l, althoughit by no means follows that they wil l personally attend itbut a long list of influential patronesses materially increasesthe sale of tickets, which is the resul t to be achieved.
A large attendance is not the primary object of a countyball, as the sum raised by the sale of ticke ts is only requiredto defray the expenses of the ball, although these are sometimes considerable
,especially when the decorations are
elaborate,and the arrangements on a grand scale, in which
case there is not seldom a deficiency rather than a surplus,
which deficiency is defrayed by the stewards themselves.To ensure a good ball considerable unanimity on the part
of the county ladies is demanded, and they usually mee tand consult together prev ious to fixing the date of the ballto take into consideration the fixtures of neighbouringcounty balls to avoid the possibil ity of the said ballsclashing with their own county ball, and also with a viewof perhaps attracting the house parties of their more distantneighbours to swell the numbers at their own ball.House parties invite d for a bal l vary from ten to twenty
five, as the accommodation of a house admits.It is not the province of the stewards of a hall to find
“armors for either ladies or gentlemen, and, therefore, if a
Balls omz' S ta te Balls. g r
lady does not form one of a large party, but merely attendsa county ball with a relative or friend, and has not a largeacquaintance amongst those present, she has very littlechance of obtaining partners.It is usual for young ladies to return to their chaperons
after each dance, or afte r they have been to the tea-room .
A couple should not stand arm-ia-arm during the pausesin the figures of a quadrille, or while resting during avalse .In round dances, i t is customary to take frequent pauses,
and not to race round the ball-room until the music ceases.At country balls programmes are invariably used atLondon balls they are never used, save at public balls.County balls usually commence between nine and ten
o’clock,sometimes a ball is not opened until the most
influential of the stewards and their parties have arri ved,but oftener than not the two first dances are over before thearrival of the countymagnates.It depends upon the length of the dri ve at what time
people arrive at a ball as a rule, they do not arr i ve laterthan R M.
The usual mode of conveying a house-party to a ball isby private omnibus in addition to carriages ; but when an
omnibus and flys are hired for the occasion the expense ofthese should be defrayed by the guests themselves.It is usual to leave a country ball not later than half
past two the most fashionable people invariably do soabout that hour.As a matter of course persons attending public balls take
WHEN Arrsnnme A Mrm'rAar BALL, or a Hunt ball,
it is usually the rule to take the invi tation card and hand itto the sergeant or official in atte ndance.It is some times stated on the invitation card that this is
9 2 M onflers and Rules of Good S ocz'
ely .
to be done,although i t is often taken for granted that
persons will do so of their own sword.
At balls given by private individuals, the invited guestsshould not bring their invi tation cards with them, unless inthe ease of a batmasque, where they are sometimes requestedto do so.In giving a ball three weeks’ notice is considered neces
sary, but with regard to a dance a short ten days’ noticewould suffice .
THE Ie rA'rros CARD is the usual “ At home card, the
word Dancing being printed in the corner of the card .
The word “ ball ” should never be used . on an invitation card, however grand the entertainment and the sameform of invitation is employed either in the case of a smalldance or of a large ball, though in the event of a smalldance only being given, the words Smal l ” or “ Earlyshould be wri tten or printed on the invitation card.Invi tations to a ball should be issued in the name of the
hostess only.
When the host is a widower, with a grown-up daughter,the invitations should be issued in their joint names.When the host is a widower, or a bachelor, they shouldbe issued in his name.Invitations, issued by officers, members of hunt committees, bachelors, etc., to their balls, either request thepleasure or the honour of Mrs. ’
s company ; but thisformula should not be used by ladies‘
when issuing invitations ; the “ At home ” card should simply bear the wordDancing on the bottom of the card, the hour and date
filled in in the allotted space, the name of the guest writ tenat the top of the card.In the case of a written invi tation, i t would be correct to
use the words “ ball or“ dance ” when alluding to the
“
ertainment about to be given, in a friendly note.
94 Manners and Rules of Good S ociety.
should wear the usual full evening dress ; but they shouldnot wear Court trains, or plumes, or lappets.Gentlemen attending State balls should wear uniform
, or
full Court dress—dress coat, breeches and silk stockings,shoes and buckles trousers can only be worn as part of auniform, and not with a Court dress as generally worn ata levée.A gentleman intending to dance should remove hissword, otherwise he should not do so.When the Court is in mourning, ladies attending a State
ball should wear mourning according to the Oflicial noticewhich duly appears in the Gazette .
Gentlemen should wear craps on the left arm, whichis supplied in the cloakr oom of the Palace to those whohave forgotten to provide themselves with it, as it isimperative, when the Court is in mourning, that a band Ofcrepe should be worn at either State ball, or State concert.The balls given at Marlborough House by the Prince and
Princess Of Wales are not State balls, therefore Court dressis not worn by the gentlemen present.The Prince and Princess ofWales act as host and hostess
at the balls given by them and receive their guest s, shakinghands with themas they are announced.
Ladies and gentlemen do not take their cards of invitation with them either to Buckingham Palace or to Marlborough House.
CHAP TER XIII .
DINNEB ervmc AND Drxnvc our.
DINNER giving is perhaps the most important of allsocial Observances, therefore dinner parties rank firstamongst all entertainments.Dinner gi ving is so thoroughly understood to rest upon
the principle of an equivalent, that those who do not givedinners hardly come within the category of diners Out .
This rule, however, is Open to many exceptions in favour ofprivileged individuals, popular and prominent members O fsociety whose presence at dinner parties is appreciated andwelcomed in most circles.Dinner parties are O f more frequent occurrence, and are
of more social significance than any other form of entertainment
DINNER INVITArrons—Au invitation to dinner conveysa greater mark Of esteem, or friendship and cordiality,towards the guest invite d, than is conveyed by an invitationto any other social gathering, it being the highest compliment
,socially speaking, that is Offered by one person to
another . It is also a civility that can be readily interchanged, which m itself gives it an advantage over all othercivilities.The orthodox dinner giver must necessarily possess acertain amO imt of wealth, and wealth and wit do not alwaysgo hand in hand. O ftencr than not, the former rather
96 Manners and Rules of Good S ociety.
overweights the latter ; hence, the introduction of a lighterelement in the form Of amusing people whose métier in lifeit is to be amusing and to appear amused.
Dinner invitations are issued in the joint names of hostand hostess.The master Of the house occupies a prominent positionamongst his guests, when dispensing hospitality as adinner giver.Dinner giving is in itself not only a test of the position
occupied in society by the dinner giver, but it is also adirect road to obtaining a recognised place in society. Ameans Of enlarging a limiwd acquaintance and a reputationfor giving good dinners is in itself a passport to fashionablesociety. Dinner giving in the fullest sense O f the word, isa science not easi ly acquired, so much depending on thetalent which the host or hostess may possess for organiz ingdinner-parties.When a large dinner-party is contemplated, i t is usual to
give three weeks’ notice, but of late this notice has beenextended to four, five, and even six weeks.Diners out are rather incl ined to rebel against this inno
vation, considering that an invitation bearing the date of amonth hence pledges them to remain in town
,and as it
were controls their movements, for the acceptance Of an
invitation is in the eyes of diners out, a binding obligationwhich only ill-health, family bereavemen t, or some all-inuportant reason justifies its being set on one side or otherwise evaded.
Those inconsiderate enough to make trivial excuses at thelast moment are not Often retained on the dinner-list of ahost or hostess .Invitations to dinner, whether the notice given be a long
or short one, should be by habitual diners out, either acceptedor refused within twenty-four hours Of their being received.
To wait to return an answer to an invitation given, on the
93 Jlfamzers and Rules of Good S awfly.
great latitude in this respect,and a long wait for the tardy
guests was the result. A host and hostess frequently waitedover half-an-honr for expected guests. But now punctualityhas become the rule in the highest circles, and dinner isserved within twenty minutes of the arrival of the firstguest. In general, people much given to dining out makea point of arriving in good time ; but there are many insociety who presume upon their posi tion
,and are prover
bially unpunctual, knowing that in the height of the seasona hostess would wait half-eu-hour rather than sit down todinner without them ; but this want of consideration soonbecomes known in their different sets, and is always takeninto account when their company is requested at dinner.”In France, it is not the rule, or the custom, to wai t
dinner for late arrivals, and the dinner 1s served punctuallyto the hour named in the invitation.
The dinner-hour varies from eight to nine, althoughperhaps is the most usual hour. In the country itranges from toPunctuality on the part of the guests enables the hostess
to make any introductions she may consider advisable beforedinner is served.
The host and hoste ss should be in readiness to receivetheir guests in the drawing-room at the hour specified onthe card.
On arrival, a lady should take ofi‘ her cloak in the cloakroom, or should leave it in the hall with the servant inattendance, before entering the drawing-room .
A gentleman should leave his overcoat and hat in thegentlemen’s cloak-room, or in the hall .At large dinner-parties, the butler is stationed on thestaircase, and announces the guests as they arrive. Atsmall dinner-parties, or where only one man-servant is kept,the servant precedes the guest or guests on their arrival
, to
Dinner Giving and Dining O ut. 9 9
The guests should then give their names to the servant,that he may announce them.
A lady or gentleman, on being announced, should not
en ter the drawing-room arm-ih -arm, or side by side. The
lady or ladies, if more than one, should enter the room inadvance of the gentleman, although the servant announcesMr.,
Mrs , and Miss At
"
The host and hostess should come forward and shakehands with each guest on arrival . The ladies should atonce seat themselves, but gentlemen either stand about theroom and talk to each other, or si t down after a wait ofsome minutes.When a lady is acquainted with many of the guests
present, she should not make her way at once to shakehands with all
,but should make an opportunity to do so in
an unobtrusive manner ; it. would be sufficient to recogniz ethem by a nod or a smile in the meantime A lady shouldbow to any gentleman she knows, and he should cross the
room to shake hands with her at once if disengaged.
At a small dinner-party, where the guests are unacquainted, the hostess should introduce the persons of highestrank to each other but at a large dinner-party, she wouldnot do so, unless she has some especial reason for makingthe introduction.
In the country, introductions at dinner-parties are faroftener made than in town.
Precedency is strictly observed at all dinner-parties. (Seechapter on Precedency.)
SEND ING GUESTS IN TO DINNEE .—The host should take
the lady of highest rank present in to dinner, and the gentleman of highest rank should take the hostess . This rule isabsolute
,unless the lady or gentleman of highest rank is
related to the host or hostess, in which case his or her rankwould be in abeyance, out of courtesy to the other guests.
1a.
‘l.
l oo Afanflm and Rules of Good S ociety.
A husband and wife,or a father and daughter
,or a
mother and son , should not be sent in to dinner together.A host and hostess should
,if possible, invite an equal
number of ladies and gentlemen. It is usual to invite t woor more gentlemen than there are ladies, in order that themarried ladies should not be obliged to go in to dinner witheach other’s husbands only. Thus, Mrs. A. and Mr. B.,
Mr. B. and Mrs. A. , Mrs. A. should be taken in to dinner byMr. and Mr. A. should take Mrs. G., and so on .
When ladies are in a majority at a dinner-party to theextent of two or three, the ladies of highest rank should betaken in to dinner by the gentlemen present, and the re
maining ladies should follow by themselves ; but such anarrangement is unusual and undesirable, though sometimes unavoidable when the dinner-party is an impromptuone
,for instance, and the notice given has been but a short
one.
If there should be one gentleman short of the number
following in the wake of the last couple.The usual mode of sending guests in to dinner, is for the
host or hostess to inform each gentleman shortly after hisarrival
,which of the ladies he is to take in to dinner.
No choice is given to any gentleman as to which of
the ladies he would prefer taking in to dinner, i t beingsimply a question of precedency.
Should any difficulty arise as to the order in which theguests should follow the host to the dining-room, the hostem,
knowing the precedency due to each of her guests, shouldindicate to each gentleman when it is his turn to descend tothe dining-room. He should then offer his arm to the ladywhom the host had previously desired h im to take in todinner.Dinner is announced by the butler or man-servant.When the guests have arrived, or when the host desires
10 2 fii anizc‘rs and Rules of Good S ociety.
table . This is the most usual method of placing the guestsat the dinner-table .The host and hostess should arrange beforehand the
places they wish their guests to occupy at the dinner-table.If a host did not indicate to the guests the various places
he wished them to occupy,the result would probably be
that husbands and wives would be seated side by side, oruncongenial people would sit together. The lady second inrank should sit at the host’s left hand.
The custom of putting a card with the name of the gueston the table in the place allotted to each individual guest isfie quently followed at large dinner-parties, and in someinstances the name of each guest is printed on a menu andplaced in front of each cover.When the table is a long one, the host and the lady
taken in to dinner by him, should occupy seats at the bottomof the table, when the party is a large one, and the numberof guests renders such an arrangement of seats necessary ;otherwise, the host should sit in the centre at the end of thetable, and place the lady whom he has taken down next tohim at the right-hand side of the table the same ruleprecisely applies to the seat occupied by the hostess at thetop of the table. She should sit in the centre at the top ofthe table, the gentleman by whom she has been taken in todinner being at the left-hand side of the table, otherwise heshould sit at her left-hand at the top of the table.It is solely a matter of inclination whether a lady or
gentleman, who have gone in to dinner together, conversewi th each other only
,or with their right and left-hand
neighbours also, but they usually find some topic of conversation in common
,otherwise a dinner-party would prove
but a succession of télc-d-téta.
TEE MENU S are placed the length of the table, on anwage one to two p ersons or occasionally one to each
Dinner Giving and Dining 0zd . 103
person, and the menu cards are elaborate or simple, according to individual taste, and are purchased printed for thepurpose
,having a space for the names of the dishes to be
filled in, which is usually done by the mistress of the house,unless the establishment is on a large scale, i t being usualto write them out in French .
Fanciful menu holders are much in use.The use of menu would be pretentious at a small dinner
party when there is but little choice of dishes ; but whenthere is a choice of dishes a menu is indispensable .
THE ususn AND msmomsns nous or ssae c DINNERis called Diner (3 la Russe
,although at small or friendly
dinners the host sometimes prefers to carve the joint himse ifin the first course
,and the birds in the second course. But
dinner-tables, whether for dining d In Russe, or for diningen famille, are invariably arranged in the same style, thedifference being merely the extent of the display made asregards flowers, plate and glass, which are the accessories ofthe dining-table.When the host helps the soup
,a small ladleful for each
person is the proper quantity, a soup plate should not befilled with soup.
When the party is a small one, and the joint or birds arecarved by the host, the helps should be handed to the guestsin the order in which they are seated, although occasionallythe ladies are helped before the gentlemen .
The rule at all dinner-parties is for the servant to commence serving by handing the dishes to the lady seatedat the host ’s right hand, then to the lady seated at the host’sleft hand, and from thence the length of the table to eachguest in the order seated, irrespective of sex .
Double entrees should be provided at large dinner-parties,and the servants should commence handing the dishes atboth sides of the table simultaneously.
104 Afanners and R ules of Good S ocial}.
Diner d Ia Races, is the Russian fashion introduced intosociety many years ago. The whole of the dinner is servedfroma side-table, no dishes whatever being placed on thetable save dishes of fruit.
DINNER-TABLE DECORAT IONS.—As regards the most
correct style of dinner-table decorations they offer greatdiversity of arrangement.High centre pieces
,and low centre pieces. Low specimen
glasses placed the length of the table and trails of creepersand flowers laid on the table-cloth itself are some of thepre vailing features of the day, but table decorations areessentially a matter of taste rather than of etiquette , and
the exten t of these decorations depends very much upon thesize of the plate chest, and the length of the purse of thedinner giver.The fruit for dessert is usually arranged down the centre
of the table , amidst the flowers and plate . Some dinnertables are also adorned with a variety of French conceitsbesides fruit and flowers other dinner-tables are decoratedwith flowers and plate only, the dessert not being placed onthe table at all but this latter mode can only he adoptedby those who can make a lavish display of flowers and platein the place of frui t.For the purposes of lighting, lamps or silver candelabra
with wax candles are used, according to the wealth of the
dinner giver. Both lamps and candles are usually shadedwith coloured shades, as they produce a pretty efl’
ect, and
prevent the guests being incommoded by too elem aproximity to the glare occasioned by some doz ens of candlesor by brilliant lamps, therefore shades are considered indis
Electric light and electric lamps are now greatly thefashion, and offer many advantages .The term cover signifies the place laid at table for each
1 06 Manners and Rules qf Good S ociety.
In eating game or poultry, the bone of either wing orleg should not be touched with the fingers, but the meat cutclose off the bone ; and if a wing it is best to sever thewing at the joint, by which means the meat is cut off farmore easily.
Pastry should be eaten with a fork, but in the case of afruit tart, a dessert-spoon should be used as well as a fork,but only for the purpose of conveying the fruit and juice tothemouth ; and in the case of stone fruit—cherries, damsons,plums
,&c.—either the dessert-spoon or fork should be raised
to the lips to receive the stones, which should be placed atthe side of the plate but when the fruit stones are of largersize, they should be separated from the fruit with the forkand spoon, and left on the plate, and not put into themouthand whenever it is possible to separate the stones from thefrui t it is best to do so .
Jell ies, blanc-manges, iced puddings, &c., should be eatenwith a fork, as should be all Sweets sufficiently substantial toadmit of i t.When eating cheese, small morsels of the cheese should
be placed with the knife on small morsels of bread,and the
two conveyed to the mouth with the thumb and finger,the
piece of bread being the morsel to hold, as cheese shouldnot be taken up in the fingers, and should not be eaten offthe point of the knife .
“
T he finger-glass should be removed from the ice-plate and
placed on the lefto haud side of the dessert-plate. Whenices are not given, the d’
Oyley should be removed with thehuger-glass and placed beneath it.When eating grapes, the half-closed hand should be
placed to the mouth, and the stones and skins allowed tofall into the fingers, and placed on the side of the plate.
Respecting the arrangement of the dinner table for des sert, seerater Waiting at Table in the work entitled “ The Managementgran ts.
"
Dinner G'
im'
ng and Dining O ut. 10 7
Some persons bend the head so as to allow of the stones andskins of the grapes falling on the side of the plate ; but thislatter way is old fashioned
,and seldom done. Cherries and
other small stone-fruit should be eaten in the way grapesare eaten, also gooseberries.When strawberries and raspberries, &c., are not eaten with
cream,they should be eaten from the stalks ; when eaten
with cream, a dessert-spoon should be used to remove themfrom the stalks. When served in the American fashionwithout stalks, both fork and spoon should be used.
Pears and apples should be peeled and cut into halvesand quarters with a fruit-knife and fork, as should peaches,nectarines, and apricots.Melons should be eaten with a spoon and fork .
Pines with knife and fork .
The des ert is handed to the guests in the order in whichthe dinner has been served.
’
When the guests have been helped to wi ne,and the
servants have left the din ing-room,the host should pass
the decanters to his guests, commencing with the gentlemannearest to him.
It is not the fashion for gentlemen to drink wine witheach other either at dinner or dessert, and the guest fills hisglass or not, according to inclination .
Ladies are not supposed to require a second glass of
wine at dessert, and passing the decanters i s principally forthe gentlemen . If a lady should require a second glass ofwine at dessert, the gentleman seated next to her would fillher glass she should not help herself to wine. After thewine has been passed once around the table, or about tenminutes after the servants have left the dining-room, thehostess should give the signal for the ladies to leave the
See chapter“ Waiting at Table in the work entitled The
Management of Servants.
"
1 08 {limi t/err and Rules of Good S anka.
dining-room, by bowing to the lady of highest rank present, seated at the host’s right hand. She should thenrise from her seat
,as should all the ladies on seeing her
do so .
The gentlemen should rise also, and remain standing bytheir chairs until the ladies have quitted the room, whichthey should do in the order in which they have ente redit, the lady of highest rank leading the way, the hostemfollowing last.The host, or the gentleman nearest the door, should openit for the ladies to pass out, and close it after them.
When the ladies have left the dining-room, the gentlemenshould close up as near to the host as possible, so as torender conversation general .The wine usually drank by gentlemen after dinner, is
claret of a fine quality, and not dinner clare t.The ladies on leaving the dining-room return to thedrawing-room. (lo should be almost immediatelybrought to the drawing-room. The cofl
’
ee cup s containingcoffee should be brought on a silver salver, with the creamjug and the basin of crystalliz ed sugar.In large country houses coffee is sometimes brought in asilver coffee-pot
,and the lady would then pour out her own
cofl‘
ee, the servant holding the salver the meanwhile.Coffee should be taken a fewminutes later to the dining
room, and ei ther handed to the gentlemen, or placed on thetable, that they may help themselves (see the work previously referred to).A very general plan is, after the wine has gone roundonce or twice
,for the host to alter cigarettes, which are
smoked before the gentlemen join the ladies in the drawing
After coffee, the gentleman of highest rank should leavethe dining-room first . The host would not propose an
adj ournment to the drawing-room, until he observed a wish
n o Man ners and Rules qf Good S oeiely .
applies to ordering a cab, the lady should ask the hostess ifone might be ordered for her.The hostess should shake hands with all her guests ontheir departure, rising fromher seat to do so.Each guest on departure should shake hands with both
host and hostess .If,on leaving the room, acquaintances should pass each
other, they should wish each other good-night, but theyshould not make the tour of the rooms for the purpose of sodoing .
The host should conduct one or two of the principal ofhis lady guests to their carriages.The ladies should put on their cloaks in the cloak-room,
the host waiting in the hall meanwhile.A gentleman related to the host or hostess, or a friend of
the family, could offer to conduct a lady to her carriage ifthe host were otherwise engaged .
Gasrur'rms should never be offered by the guests at adinner-party to the servants in attendance. Gentlemenshould not offer fees to the men-servants
,neither should
ladies to the lady’s-maid in attendance .
The guests should call on the hostess within a week orten days afier a dinner-party. If “ not at home," a marriedlady should leave one of her own cards and two of herhusband’s, a widow should leave one of her own cards, abachelor or a widower should leave two cards.The rule as to call ing afte r dinner-parties is greatly
relaxed between intimate friends, and the call often omittedaltogether ; and this more particularly as regards gentlemenwhose occupations during the day are considered good andsufficient reasons for not calling.
Comvrnr Dm a-marrss.— Iu the country
, new
acquaintances, if neighbours, should be asked to dinner
Dinner Gwing and Dining O ni. I I I
within a month of the first call if possible, and the returninvi tation should be given within the following month .
When guests are assembled at a country house, they aresent in to dinner, on the first evening, according to theirindividual precedence but on subsequent evenings thegentlemen frequently draw lots to decide which lady theyshall have the pleasure of taking in to dinner, otherwise alady and gentlemen would go into dinner together five orsix consecutive times, according to the length of the visit,but this is more a practice with people who march with thetimes
,than with what are termed old-fashioned people.”
When a party is varied by additional dinner-guests eachevening, drawing lots gives way to precedency, it being toofamiliar a practice to be adopted at a large dinner-party.
SAYING GRACE, both before and after dinner, is a matterof feeling rather than of etiquette. It used to be very muchthe custom to say “ grace,” but of late years it is ofteneromitted than not, especially at large dinner-parties intown .
In the country, when a clergyman is present, he shouldhe asked to say grace. When grace is said by the host, i tis said in a low voice, and in a very few words the guestsinclining their heads the while.It was no rapid revolutionary change in manners that
brought about the difference that now exists between theEliz abethan and Victorian eras no polished Mentor cameforward to teach that it was not the nicest and cleanestthing to do
,to put knives into the salt, to dip fingers into
plates,or to spread butter with the thumb on the contrary,
these things righte d themselveslittle by little, step by step,until the present code of manners was arrived at. But itis quite possible that a hundred years hence it will be discovered that the manners of 1886 offered wide scope forimprovement.
l 1 2 flfanners and R ules of Good S ociety.
In the meantime these rules of etiquette obw ved insociety are adhered to and followed by those who do not
ventional,or any other adjective that the temper of their
judges may induce them to apply to them for committingsolecisms, either small or great.Married ladies, as a rule, dine out with their husbands,
and do not accept invitations to large dinners when theirhusbands are unable to accompany them. There are, of
course,exceptions to this rule, and circumstances sometimes
arise when it is greatly relaxed ; but even in th is case i twould be in favour of small and friendly dinners ratherthan large ones.During any temporary absence of her husband, a ladywould accept invitations to dine with her relatives andintimate friends, though she might refuse invitations tolarge dinners given by acquaintances ; but as a rule, when itis well known that the head of a house is away for anylength of time, invitations are seldom sent to the wife bygivers of large dinners.When young ladies are invited to dinner they accompanytheir father, mother or brother ; but occasionally, when ayoung ladies' party is given by a friend of their parent’s,the young ladies are invited alone, and they should either gowith their maid in a cab or by themselves in their father’scarriage.
r t4 Manners and Rules cf Good S ociety.
A gentleman should do the same with his serviette andbread, placing the one across h is knees, and the other athis right or left hand .
When a lady is some little time taking off her gloves, sheshould remove her serviette before doing so ; otherwise aservant would offer her soup be fore she had made room forthe scap.plate by removing the serviette, and she shoulddecide quickly as to which of the two soups handed to hershe will take, so as not to keep the servant waiting ; and soon through every course throughout the dinner as regardsfish , meat, etc.The guests should consult the menu on first sittingdown to dinner. Eating soup comes first under notice .In olden days it was customary to drink it out of a basin.
In these days no one “ drinks ” soup, i t is “ eaten ;whether it be mock turt le or the clearest julienne, i t iseaten out of a soup-plate at dinner, and with a table-spoon .
There is a reason for this choice of spoons ; soup isnothing if i t is not hot, and as i t is the custom to give buta very smal l help of soap—ab out half a ladleful to eachperson—it is eaten quicker, and therefore hotter, with alarge spoon than with a small one.There is also a good and sufficient reason for small helps
of soup being given in lieu of large ones, via , the exte nt ofthemenu ; and when a plateful of soup is handed to a guestaccustomed to the regulation help, he fears that he isexpected to dine off it, and that there is nothing much tofollow.
Again, small helps require a smaller quantity of soup tobe provided
,and a servant is less likely to spill plates con
taining small helps of soup than plates containing largehdps
At ball suppers,when soup is served in scupo plates, i t is
also eaten with a table-spoon, but not when served in smallcaps.
Dinner Taéie E tiquette. t I 5
Many years ago it was fashionable to eat fish with a forkand a crust of bread, previous to this a table-knife and forkwere considered the proper things to use for this purpose.It was then discovered that a stee l knife gave an unpalatableflavour to the fish, and a crust of bread was substituted forthe knife. This fashion lasted a considerable time, inspite of the fingers being thus brought unpleasantly nearto the plate
,and to this day old-fashioned people have a
predilection for that crust of bread. One evening a wellknown diner-out discarded his crust of bread, and ate hisfish with two silver forks ; this notion found such generalfavour that society dropped the humble crust and took upa second fork. This fashion had its little day, but atlength the two forks were found heavy for the purpose andnot altogether satisfactory, and were superseded by thedainty and convenient little silver fish-kni fe and fork whichare now in general use .Small helps of fish should always be given, and two
different sorts of fish should not be placed on the sameplate.When oysters are given they precede the soup, and
should be eaten with a dinner-fork, not with a fish-fork.
In eating oysters the shell should be steadied on the platewith the fingers of the left hand, the oysters should not becut
,but should be eaten whole very many ladies do not eat
oysters at dinner simply because they do not like them,
while others refuse them under the impression that it ismore ladylike not to eat them . Perhaps with regard toyoung ladies it is a taste to be acquired. Some men arevery, if not over, fastidious, about the appetites displayedby ladies, and would have them reject the e ntrees and dineupon a slice of chicken and a spoonful of jelly. O thers, onthe contrary, respect a good appetite as giving proof of
good health and good digestion. There is of course amedium in all things
,and as large dinners are ordered
\‘I.
r 1 6 Jll anners and Rules of Good Society.
mainly wi th a view to please the palates of men withepicurean tastes, i t is not expected that ladies should eat ofthe most highly seasoned and richest of the dishes given,but should rather select the plainest on the menu . Thisremark more particularly applies to young ladies and youngmarried ladies, whilst middle-aged and elderly ladies are atliberty to do pretty much as they please, without provokingcommen t or even observation .
With reference to entrées some are eaten with aknife andfork, others with a fork only. All entrees that offer anyresistance to a fork require the aid of both kn ife and fork,such as cutlets, j ilet do bwuf, sweethreads, etc . , but whenrissoles, patties, quenelles, boneless curry, colo n-vents,
timbales, etc ,are eaten, the fork only should be used.
In the case of the lighter mirées the contact of theknife is supposed to mi litate against their delicate flavourthus, for these bonnes banshee the fork is all-sufficient wherewith to divide and eat them .
The leg of a chicken, pheasant, duck, or wild duck,should never be given to a guest as a help save on theseoccasions when there are more guests present than thereare helps from breasts and wings to offer them. Underthese circumstances the carver is reduced to the necessityof fal ling back upon the legs of the birds, but in this caseonly the upper part of the thigh should be given, thus aguest has little difficulty in cutting the meat from thebone. A wing of a bird is a usual help given to s ludy.
Formerly it was thought a correct thing to sever the wingat the joint and then to cut the meat from the bone butthis requires a certain amount of strength in the wrist, anddexterity
,should the bird not be in its pmniére jeunssss.
As regards small pigeons, golden plovers, snipe, quails,lurks, etc ., a whole bird is given to each help, and theproper way to eat these birds is to cut the meat from the
breast and wings and to eat each morsel at the moment of
1 18 M anners and Rules qf Good S ociety.
which surround the heart, or head of the artichoke shouldbe conveyed to themouth with the fingers and sucked dryepicures consider this vegetable a dainty morsel, -but atdinner-parties young ladies should not attempt to eat theseartichokes.Savouries, again, are not usually eaten by young ladies.
They are principally intended for gentlemen .
As regards sweets, compotes of fruit, and fruit tarts,should be eaten with a dessert-spoon and fork, as shouldthose dishes where juice or syrup prevails to the extent ofrendering a dessert-spoon necessary. But whenever it ispossible to use a fork in preference to a spoon it is alwaysbetter to do so .
Jellies, creams, blanc manges, ice puddings, etc., shouldbe eaten with a fork.
As a matter of course young ladies do not eat cheese atdinner-parties.
CHAPTER XV .
m ums PARTIES .
EVEN IKG y anrrss are styled Receptions or At Homesaccording to the number of guests invited. In official andpolitical circles they are invariably styled “ Receptions,but when given on a smaller scale in general society theyare styled “ At Homes.”
INVITATIONS to evening parties should be issued on A t
Home cards.
The name of the person invited should be written at thetop of the card at the right hand corner. The words “ AtHome being printed beneath the name of the lady issuingthe invi tation. The day and date beneath the word s A t
Home.” The hour beneath the date. The address shouldbe printed at the right-hand corner at the bottom of the
When music is to be given it should be mentioned on theAt Home card thus, Music.”The hour varies from 10 to 1 1 o’clock ; in private circles
10 or is the usual hour ; in official circles or1 1 o’clock .
When a foreign Royal personage is expected, or a foreignerof distinction, or a personage possessing public interest, thewords TomeetHer Serene Highness Princess or To
meet Count de C .
” should be written at the top of theinvitation cards.When a Reception or At Home follows a dinner-party
1 20 Manners amz'Rules qf Good S ociety.
given by the hoste ss, i t is not usual to provide any specialamusement for the guests. But when an “ At Home doesnot follow a dinner-party, it is usual to provide some sort ofamusement for the guests, such as professional vocal andinstrumental music .The guests are expected to arrive from half an hour to an
hour and a half of the hour mentioned on the invitationcard, although it is optional when the guests arrive afterthe hour mentioned on the card.
RECEIVING THE GUESTs - The hostess should receive herguests at the head of the staircase, where she usuallyremains until the principal of her guests have arrived ;while the host welcomes the guests in the drawing-roomitself.Receptions or “ At Homes usually te rminate shortlybefore one o’clock, save on Saturdays, when the hour of
departure is 12 o'clock precisely.
MAKING Im onnoTross.—A hostess should use her own
discretion as regards making introductions.When a Royal personage is present the most distin
guished of the guests should be presented by the host orhostess. When a celebrity is present introductions should
to do so,and the principal guests when unacquainted
should be introduced to each other when the opportunityOCOTU
'
S.
GO ING IN TO SUPPEa—The host should take the lady ofhighest rank in to supper.When a Royal Princess is present the host should take
her in to supper.When a Royal Prince is present he should take the
hostess in to supper. (See chapter on
I 2 2 [Manners and Rules of Good S oczety .
ROYAL GUESTS PRESENT .—When a Royal personage is
present the host should conduct her to her carriage.When a foreign Prince is present the host should accom
pany him to the hall-door.The host should also conduct the lady of highest rankpresent to her carriage if aware of her departure .TEA AND LIGHT REFD ESHMENTS should be served duringthe evening in the library
,or in an adjacent apartment.
Supper should be served at twelve o’clock in the diningroom
,and should be similar in character to a ball supper.
(See chapter “ Ball Suppers ” in the work entitled The
Management of Servants ”
)
CARDS SHOULD BE LEFT within a week or ten days aftera Reception.
A married lady should leave one of her own and two of
her husband’s cards.
A widow should leave one of her own cards.
A bachelor or widower should leave two of his cards .(See chapter on Card-Leaving ”
)
CHAPTER XVI .
WEDDINGS AND WEDDING BREAKFASTS .
THE Bill which has become law, for extending the hoursduring which marriages may be solemnised— between thehours of eight o’clock in themorning and three o’clock in theafternoon—will considerably influence the hour at whichthe majority of weddingswill take place . Afternoon weddings had become very popular, but only the few were in aposition to Obtain special licences for the purpose.MARRIAGE RY BANNS is now greatly in favour in
general society. The banns must be published three consecutive weeks previous to the marriage in the parish inwhich the bridegroom resides, and also in that in which thebride resides, and both should reside fifteen days in theirrespective parishes previous to the banns being published.
MARR IAGES BY LICENCE .—When a marriage is solemnised
by licence the cost,with fees and stamps, amounts to
£2 28 . 6d. This should be Obtained at the Faculty Office,
or at the Vicar-General’s O ffice, Doctors’ Commons, and isavailable at any church in the parish where one of the partieshas resided for fifteen days previous to the application beingmade for the l icence, either in town or country.
When the licence is obtained in the country through aclerical surrogate the cost varies, according to the diocese,from£2 12s. M . to £3 33 .
1 24 Alanners and Rules of Good S ociety.
SPEOIAL LICENCES can only be obtained from the Archdishop of Canterbury, after application at the Faculty Office,and an especial reason must be given for the application,and one that will meet with the Archbishop’s approval .The fees for a special marriage licence average £29 88 .
THE FEES to the officiating clergyman vary considerably,according to the position andmeans of the bridegroom, from£5 to £25 , as the inclination and purse of the bridegroommay dictate . £5 is the lowest fee offered to a clergyman by
The fee to the clerk is subject to the same variations,commencing at £1, as are the smaller fees.All wedding fees are defrayed by the bridegroom ;including cost of licence.TEE ET IQURTTE OBSERVED AT WEDDINGS is invariablythe same whether the wedding takes place in the morningor in the afternoon, or whether it is a grand wedding or acomparatively small one, whether the guests number twyhundred or whether they number twenty.
THE INVITAT IONS should be issued within a fortnight ofthe wedding-day.The wedding breakfast or wedding tea should be given
by the parents of the bride or by her nearest relative, andthe invi tations should be issued in the names of bothparents .It is more usual and less trouble to send out printe d
invitations than written ones, except in the case of a verysmall number of guests being invited. The printe d notesare bought already printed for the purpose, and the form isas follows Mr. and Mrs. request the honour ofMr. and Mrs. — ’
s company at church on atto be present at the marriage of their daughter andand afterwards at breakfast (or afte rnoon
1 2 6 Maimers arza’ Rules of Good Society.
and bridegroom for this purpose, especially in the country.
The bridal carriage is the only one, according to etiquette,which the bridegroom is expected to provide.The invited guests should provide their own carriages,
and neither the bridegroom nor the bride’s father are everexpected to do so. This should be thoroughly understoodby the guests in every case.Many ci-dwant customs are now obsolete, amongst others,
the custom of having groomsmen to support the bridegroom,
the “ best man ” be ing all sufficient for the purpose.
At Royal weddings this rule is reversed, and the Royalbridegroom is supported by from four to six groomsmen .
THE BEST MAN must be a bachelor—a married mancannot act in this capacity . He should either accompanythe bridegroom to the church or meet him there. He
should stand at his right hand during the ceremony—a
li ttle in the rear—and should render himthe trifling serviceof handing himhis hat at the close of it.He should sign the register afterwards in the vestry, and
should pay the fees to the clergyman, clerk, etc., on behalfof the bridegroom .
The bridegroom and best man should arrive at the churchshortly before the bride, and await her coming, standing atthe right hand side of the al tar.
TEE BRIDE should be driven to the church in her father’scarriage . If she has a sister, or sisters, and they ofliciate as
bridesmaids, they, with her mother, should precede her tothe church. The carriage should then return to fetch thebride and her father ; but when she has no sisters, herfather generally precedes her to the church, and rece ives herat the church door
,her mother accompanying her in the
The bridesmaids should arrive some little time before thebride, and form a line on either side of the church porch, or
Weddings and Wedding Breakfasts.
within the church doorway. The mother of the bride andthe mothers of the bridesmaids usually stand beside them.
When the bride arrives she should take her father’s righ tarm, or the right armof her eldest brother or nearest malerelative, who is deputed to give her away, who should meether at the church door in the place of her father, and con
duct her to the chancel or altar.THE BR IDESMA IDS follow the bride and her father up theaisle of the church, walking “ two and two when the number of bridesmaids is even, four, six, eight, or twelve ; butwhen the number is odd, as five, seven, or nine, and threeof them happen to be children, which is generally the case,the elder bridesmaids should walk two and two
,followed
by the three children abreast.The head bridesmaid is generally the bride’s eldest nu
married sister or the bridegroom’s sister, and she shouldfollow next to the bride with her companion bridesmaid.
THE BRIDE’S MOTHER should follow next to the bridesmaids ; she could take her son’s arm, or the arm Of some nearrelative, in following them up the aisle of the church. Butladies and gentlemen seldomwalk up the aisle of a churchat a wedding arm-in-arm, unless a lady requires the assistance of a gentleman inmaking her way quickly throug h thethrong to her carriage at the conclusion of the ceremony, inwhich case it is quite correct to do so.
THE MOTHERS or THE BRIDESMA ID S should walk next tothe bride's mother up the church, and take up their position asnear to the bride and bridegroom as they conveniently can.
THE BRIDE’
s IMMEDIATE RELAT IVES and the near relatives of the bridegroom should place themselves neart healtar or communion rai ls, or at the entrance of the chancel,according to the church in which the service is celebrated ;as in some churches the service takes place at the entrance
1 2 8 Manners cmd Rules of Good S ociety.
of the chancel , and the bridal party ente r the chancel andstand at the altar to receive the address, and the concludingportion of the service only is there celebrated. The relativesshould arrive shortly before the bride.THE BRIDEGROOM
’S RELATIVES should place themse lves at
the left of the altar or communion rails, thus being on thebridegroom’s right hand
,or seat themselves in pews at the
right-hand side of the bridegroom, and the relatives of thebride should place themselves on the right-hand side of thealtar or communion rails
,thus being on the bride’s left hand
,
or seat themselves in pews at the bride’s leR hand.THE BRIDE should stand at the bridegroom’s left hand
,
the bride’s father,or nearest male relative, should stand at
her left hand her mother and married sisters, etc. , shouldgroup themselves in juxtapositiou to him .
The bridesmaids should stand immediately behind thebride in the order in which they pass up the church .
The bride should take off her gloves at the commencement of the service and should give them with her bouquetto the head bridesmaid to hold .
The invited guests should either stand in the aisle of thechurch or sit in the pews or chairs—either is Optional .Wedding guests usually take their Prayer-books withthem to the church and follow the service therefrom.
The bridegroom generally wears a flower in his buttonhole
,as he does not wear a wedding favour.
T he other gentlemen may, as a matter Of course, wearbutton-hole bouquets, if they please.
WHEN THE SERVICE Is OONOLUDED, the bride shouldtake the bridegroom’s left arm, and, preceded by theofficiating clergyman, and followed by her head bridesmaids, father, mother, aud the most distinguished O f theguests, should enter the vestry, where the register should
1 30 Manners and Rules of Good S ocie ty.
Wedding favours should be worn on the left side, by bothladies and gentlemen.
A BRIDE WHO Is A WIDOW should not wear white, nora bridal veil
,nor a wreath of orange-blossoms, nor orange
blossomon her dress.
She would not be attended by bridesmaids, and weddingfavours should not be worn by the guests.
ON ARRIVING AT THE HOUSE where the wedding breakfast or wedding tea is to be held, the gentlemen shouldleave their bats in the hall. The ladies should not removetheir bonnets or hats at a wedding breakfast or tea, neithershould the bridesmaids do so.Gentlemen should take cd’ their gloves at wedding break
fasts, but it is optional whether ladies do so or not.At wedding teas i t is optional wi th both ladies andgentlemen whether they take off their gloves or not.The guests who have not already had an opportunity Ofspeaking to the bride and bridegroom, on being ushered intothe drawing-room, where the company assembles, should atonce Offer their congratulations, and shake hands withthem, having first gone through that ceremony wi th thehost and hostess, if they have not already done so.
Previous to breakfast being announced the bride’s fatheror mother should tell the principal of the gentlemen presentwhom to take down to breakfast. If a gentleman is unacquainted with a lady whomhe is to take down, the hostor hostess would introduce him to her in this wise“ Mrs. Mr. will have the pleasure O f takingyou down to breakfast. This kind of introduction doesnot constitute a subsequent acquaintance , unless the ladydesires it.The breakfast should be served in the dining-room,
library, or large marquee, as the case may be.
IfVeddings and IVeddiflg Breakfasts.
The bride’s mother and the bridegroom’s mother shouldtake precedence of all other ladies present on the occasionof a wedding breakfast.
THE GUEST S SHOULD GO INTO BREAKFAST IN THE
FOLLOWmG ORDER -The bride and bridegroom. The
bride’s father wi th the bridegroom’s mother. The bridegroom’s father with the bride’s mother. The best man withthe head bridesmaid. The remaining bridesmaids with thegentlemen who are to take them into breakfast.The rest of the company should follow in the wake of the
bridesmaids. The bride should take the bridegroom’s leftarm .
Sitting~down breakfasts and standing-up breakfasts areequally fashionable. When a standing-up breakfast isgiven, small tables are arranged for the convenience of thebridal party on one side of the room, while a long tableoccupies the centre of the room.
When a sitting-down breakfast is given the bride andbridegroomshould sit either at the head of a long table orat the centre of it—the bride at the bridegroom’s lefthand.
The bride’s father should sit next the bride with thebridegroom’s mother. When the bride and bridegroom sitat the centre of the table the bridesmaids should sit oppositeto them with the gen tlemen who have taken them in tobreakfast each sitting at a gentleman’s right hand.When the bride and bridegroom occupy the head of the
table, the bridesmaids, with the gentleman who have takenthem into breakfast, should place themselves nex t theparents on either side Of the table, dividing their numberinto two groups.When the bride’s father is dead, her eldest brother or
nearest male relative should take his place and should takethe bridegroom’s mother in to breakfast.
1 3 2 Manners and Rules of Good Bod ega
A WEDDING BREAKFAST might properly be termed aluncheon, champagne and other wines take the place of teaand coffee, which beverages are not served until towardsthe end of the breakfast.THE MENU generally comprises soup, entrees both hot
and cold ; chickens, game, mayouaises, salads, péta do foiegras, jellies, creams, etc. etc., and other dishes of a like
The sweets should be placed on the table, the frui t also .
The entrées, etc.,should be handed by the servants, the
sweets should also be taken off the table by the men-servantsand handed round in turn.At a standing
onp breakfast the gentlemen should helpthe ladies and themselves, to the various dishes on thetable, as dishes are not handed at this description of breakfast, and hot entrees are not given .
Soup may or may not be given.The tables should be decorate d with flowers at either a
standing-up or a sitting-down breakfast. Decanters of
sherry should be placed on the table at a standing-upbreakfast.At a standing-up breakfast the gentlemen should ask theservants in attendance for champagne for the ladies theyhave taken down , and for themselves. But at asitting downbreakfast the servants ofl'er champagne to the guests in thesame order in which they hand the dishes.When the sweets have been handed the bride should cut
the wedding-cake placed in front of her. This she does bymerely making the first incision with a kn ife, i t should thenbe removed to a side table by the butler and cut intosmall slices, and handed to the guests who are one and allexpected to eat a small portion of it.THE HEALTH on THE BRIDE AND BR IDEGROOH shouldthen be proposed by the most distinguished guest present,
1 34 filaaaers and Rules of Good S oeiety .
STREwnvG THE BRIDE’
S PATH WITH FLOWERS from thechurch to the carriage by Vi llag e children is a custom muchfollowed at weddings which take place in the country.
THE HONEYMOON now seldom lasts longer than a weekor ten days . Many brides prefer spending their honeymoon in their future home, if i t happens to be in thecountry
,instead of making a hurried trip to Paris or else
where, Or to spending It at the country house of a friend,
lent to them for the purpose. But i t is entirelya matte r ofindividual feeling which course is taken.
THE BRIDE’
S TROUSSEAU should be marked with theinitials of the name she is to take.
THE BRIDEGROOH SHOULD PROVIDE the house-linen andall other things appertain ing to the bride’s new home.
THE WEDD ING PRESENTS should be despatched to thebride’s residence immediate ly after the wedding, and theyshould at once he put into their several places
,and not
arranged for the purpose of being shown to visitors.
THE BRIDAL WREATH should not be worn after the
wedding-day . The bridal wreath, the bridal bouquet, andthe orange blossoms from the wedding-cake
, if treasured as
mementos of the happy event, should be preserved in therecesses of a locked drawer in the bride’s chamber
,and not
exhibited under glass shades in the drawing-room.
PREUEDENOE should not be accorded to a bride duringthe first three mouths’ after marriage
,although this old
fashioned custom is sometimes followed at country dinnerparties on the occasion of a bride’s first visit.
IT Is OPTIONAL WHETHER A WIDOW removes her firstwedding-ring or not, although i t is more usual to do so.
Weddz'
ngs and [Wedding Breaéfasts.
THE CUSTOM OF SENDING WEDDING CAKE to friends isan exploded one, and only foll owed between near relations.
WEDDING CARDS are, strictly speaking, out Of date, andonly sent by people who adhere to Old-fashioned customs.THE WORDS NO CARDS should not be inserted when
the announcement of a marriage is sent to the newspapersneither should the intimation be added that the bride andbridegroomwill be At home on certain days.
CHAPTER XVII .
AN AFT ERNOON WEDDING usually takes place between 2
and o'clock, and the At home ” that follows is givenfrom 3 to 6, according to the return from church .
The words “ At home ” and the hour should be on the
invi tation card, also the name of the church and the hourfixed for the marriage.The arrangements in the tea-room and the refreshments
given should be similar to those provided at large afternoon “ At homes,” with the addition Of wedding-cake andchampagne.Ceremony is, as far as possible, dispensed wi th as regards
sending the guests into the tea-room, and this is a greatadvantage gained over a wedding breakfast of any kind,either a sitting-down or a standing-up one, when people aredoubtful as to the exact place belonging to each individualrelative.At a wedding tea the bride and bridegroom should be the
first to enter the tea-room ,followed by the bridesmaids, and
by a few of the principal guests ; the remainder of thecompany should make their way downstairs as space permits,for a wedding tea is a crowded affair, even in the largest ofmansions. Not only is every one invi ted who has given aWedding present to either bride or bridegroom, within
I 38 Manners and Rules of Good S ociety.
noon Of the wedding to the many guests. When jewelleryand plate to any great extent forma portion of the presents,it is sometimes thought necessary to have a. policeman on
duty while the house is open to so many comers, and whento effect an entrance under the pretext of business wouldbe an easy matter.
CHAPTER XVIII .
AFTERNOON AT HOMES .
AFT ERNOON “ AT HOMES are a great feature amongst theentertainments Of the day, large afternoon parties, andsmall afternoon parties ; parties so large that the numberof guests equals those at a big crush or evening reception,and so small that they might fairly come under the denomination of afternoon teas.At afternoon At homes, ladies are present in a considerablemajority, there being usually from about ten gentlemen,to thirty ladies on an average present at these gatherings.Ladies have a decided partiality for th is class of entertainment
,as it offers an opportunity for meeting their friends
and acquaintances, or for making new acquain tances, andfor forming future plans and interchanging civilities andeven in the height Of the London season, afternoon “ Athomes are fully attended by the members of the fashionableworld .
There are various classes Of afternoon At homes.The large “ At home ” of from fifty to two hundredguests
,when usually professional vocal and instru
mental talent is engaged, and fairly good music given,
although the entertainment is not of sufficient importanceto be termed a concert, and the At home of from fifty toa hundred guests when only amateur talent is in requisition,and the small “ At home of from ten to thirty people
140 Mariners and Rules of Good S ociety.
when conversation usually takes the place of music, theparty being composed O f friends rather than of acquaintances.
INVITAT IONS To“ AT HOMES should be issued in the
name of the hostess only,and not in the united names of
the master and mistress of the house.Invi tations to “ At homes should be issued on “ At
home cards. The name Of the person invited should bewri tten at the top of the card at the right-hand corner, thewords At home being printed beneath the name of thelady issuing the invitation, and the day and date beneaththe words At home,” and the hour beneath the date. The
word music — if especially good music i s to be givenshould be added at the bottom of the card at the left-handcorner. The address should be printed at the right-handcorner at the bottom of the card.The letters R . S. V. P. are occasionally either written or
printed on the At home card, at the left-hand corner O fthe bottom Of the card, but it is not usual to writeR . S . V . P.
” in the corner of an afternoon At homecard, as it is immaterial how many guests are present atthis class of ente rtainment ; but if an answer is so requested
,an answer should be sent . R. S . V. P. signifies
réponse, s’
fl sous p lail,” or an answer is requested.
It is customary to include the head of the fami ly, eitherhusband or father, in the invi tation . Thus, at the top of
the card,at the right-hand corner should be written “ Mr.
and Mrs. A .,or Mr. and Miss A.
” The daughters of thehouse should be included in the invitation sent to theirmother. Thus “ Mr. and Mrs. A ,
” “ The Misses A . , butthe sons of the house should be invite d separately.
When a family consists Of a mother and daughters, theinvitation should be Mrs. and the Misses A.
”
The title of “ Honourable should not be put on an
142 Manners and Rules of Good S ociety.
in attendance, in case anything is required of them, althoughgentlemen usually help themselves to claret-cup, wine, etc .The usual refreshments given at these At homes are
tea and coffee,served from large silver urns. (See chapter
“ Preparing Afternoon Tea,” in the work entitled “ The
Management of Sherry, champagne-cup, clareteup, ices, fruit, fancy biscui ts and cakes, thin bread-andbutte r, potted game, sandwiches, etc.Plates are used for ices, fruit, and occasionally for sand
wiches, cake, bread-and-butter, in Which latter case theyshould be very small, and should match the te a-service.At small “ At homes champagne, claret-cup, and ices
are not given, and the tea should be made in teapotsinstead of in urns.At small “ At homes the tea is usually served in the
smaller Of the two drawing-rooms, or in an adjoining boudoiror ante—room. The tea is then poured out by the youngladies Of the house, or by the hostess herself, but seldom bymaid-servants when served in the drawing-room.
The most convenient manner, however, of serving tea isto serve i t in the dining-room, unless the number of companyis limited, when it would appear unsociable if the guestswere to congregate in the din ing-room, leaving t he hostesscomparatively alone in the drawing-room .
When tea is served in the dining-room, the guests areusually asked by the servant in attendance if they will havetea be fore being ushered into the drawing-room.
At small teas, the cups of tea should be handed to theladies by the gentlemen present, or by the young ladyOfficiating at the tea-table, and gentlemen generally standabout the room, or near the tea-table, at small “ At homes.
RECE IVING GUESTS—The servant should precede theguests to the drawing-room asin morning calls.
”
At large “ At homes the hostess should receive her
Aj /eruoou A t Homes. I43
guests at the drawing-room door, and shake hands witheach on arrival. The drawing-room door should remainopen, and she should stand within the doorway.At small teas, the drawing-room door should not remain
open, and the hostess should receive her guests within theroom, as at morning calls.
The guests should arrive from a quarter-past four untilhalf-past five or six O’clock . The guests are not expected toremain the whole three hours specified
,and are at liberty to
remain as long or as short a time as they please. The
earliest arrivals are generally the first to leave.When the hostess judges i t expedient to do so, she intro
duces one or two of the ladies to each other, either in aformal manner (see chapter on
“ Introductions or in asemi-formal manner, by saying, Mrs. A .,
I don’t think youknow Mrs. B but she should not say this unless quitecertain that Mrs. B. desires the acquaintance of Mrs. A.
,or
that Mrs. A. has no Objection to knowing Mrs. B .
’
It is rather the exception than the rule to make generalintroductions on these occasions. Introduct ions shouldonly be made when the hostess is aware that the personsintroduced would be likely to appreciate each other, or forany reason of equal weight.The guests should go to the tea-room either with thehostess or with any gen tleman of their acquaintance present,or in the case of ladies with each other.This move to the tea~roomis usually made in the intervals
between music, recitations, etc.
Occasionally, the hostess introduces one or two of thegentlemen present to the ladies of highest rank for thepurpose of sending them into the tea-room.
A lady should place her empty cup on any table near at
0 See chapter A fternoon A t Homes, in the work entitledSociety Small Talk.
"
144 Manners cud Rules of Good S an'
ely.
hand, unless a gentleman Offers to put i t down for her. It
is Optional whether a lady removes her gloves or not, andmany prefer not to do so.At large At homes, the hostess should not remain
seated on one particular seat during the afternoon, butshould move about amongst her guests, conversing withthem all more or less. When there are daughters, theyshould assist their mother in entertaining them.
When ladies are acquainted, they should take an Opportunity of speaking to each other. It is usual for ladies tomove about the rooms at afternoon “ At homes to Speakto their various friends and acquaintances ; and they areby no means obliged to remain seated in one spot, unlessdesirous of doing so.
Whenmusic is given at afternoon A t homes, it is usualto liste n to the performance, or at least to appear to do soand if conversation is carried on, it should be in a low tone,so as not to disturb or annoy the performers.I t is not necessary to take leave of the hoste ss at after
noon At homes,” unless she is standing near the drawingroom door when the guest is passing out, or unless she is anew acquaintance, and the v isit a first one at her house,when i t would be polite to do so.When it is late, and but a few guests still remain, these
few should make their adieus to the hostess.At these afternoon te as or At homes,” the hoste ss should
not ring to order the door to be opened for the departingguest, or for her carriage to be called, as at morning calls.The guests make their way to the hall, and the servants inatte ndance call up the carriages as they are asked for.
Carriages should always be kept in waiting at afternoonAt homes,” as ladies are sometimes unable to remainlonger than a quarter of an hour.The guests ei ther remain in the hall or in the dining
room until they hear their carriag es announced.
1 46 Manners and Rules of Good S ociety.
Afternoon dances are very popular at watering places,
military stations, small towns in the vicinity of London,&c.,
but are seldom given in London itself.Refreshments should be served during the whole of theafternoon, from 4 to 7, as at large At homes.”The ladies should remove their jackets or wraps in the
cloak-room, but retain their hats or bonncts the hostessshould receive her guests at the head of the staircase
,as at
an evening reception.
CHAPTER XIX.
AT HOME DAYS .
AN AT HOME day signifies that a lady is at home to herfriends and acquaintances on one particular day in theweek. She should intimate this fact by writing on all her
v isiting-cards beneath her name At home Thursdays ” orany day of the week she thinks proper to name. Thesecards she should leave in person on those who are not athome when she calls. Those she finds at home she shouldinformthat her at home day is Thursday.
”She should
not leave her visiting card in this case, only two Of herhusband’s cards, and the at home day should not bewri tten upon them.
On the at home day, calls should be made from threeto six, or from four to six. The first comers should leavebefore the afternoon tea hour and should limit their callaccording to the degree of intimacy existing, remaining froma quarte r of an hour to an hour
,as the case may be.
A hostess or her daughter should pour out the tea onthese at home days when tea is not served in the diningroom as at “ At homes,” which should be done when thenumber of visitors is very considerable.The popularity of a hostess is tested on these at homedays by the number Of visitors who call during the afternoon, and when at home ” days are not a success
,
socially speaking, she should discontinue them after acertain time, and should substitute an occasional At home .
”
1. 2
148 Manners and Rules of Good S ociety.
It depends not a little as to the social standing of thelady who has an “
at home day and upon the locality inwhich she lives, as to whether the at home ” day is afailure or the re verse In the outlying districts of town ithas its advantages
,when to make a call amounts to almost
a journey,and when acquaintances are few in the immediateneighbourhood . Again i t has its advantages when ladiesare much occupied during the week, and when their timeis given up to an engrossing occupation, charitable or artistic,at home or away fromhome, literary or scientific, at studios,museums and public institutions, &c.
, work undertaken fortheir own amusement, profit, or advancement, or for thebenefit of others. To these ladies an at home ” day is aconven ience. One day in the week is all they can allowthemselves apart fiom their important engagements, andto them quiet privacy and leisure are indispensable.Fashionable ladies consider an “ at home day to be agreat tax upon their time and inclinations. Their engagements are too numerous to admit of giving up one wholeafte rnoon in every week on the chance of people call ing.
Not only long-standing but impromptu engagements preclude this sacrifice. It would be a breach of politenessnot to be at home to callers on an at home day, andmany things might occur to necessitate absence fromhomeon that particular afternoon .
The people who thoroughly enjoy “ at home days arethose who have more time on their hands than they knowwhat to do with . The few calls they have to make are soonmade
,the few friends they have to see are soon seen
,
occupation they have none, and they are grateful for theOpportuni ty at home days Offer Of mee ting their friendsand finding a hostess at home.
1 50 Manners and Rules of Good S ocz'
eg'.
Invitations are on these occasions freely accorded to ladies,from the energetic lady of eighty to the little lady of eight.One great advantage ofi'ered by a garden-party is that it
is immaterial to what extent ladies are in the majority, andi t is a reproach to a county rather than to a. hostess if themuster of guests is eighty ladies against twenty gentlemen .
Invrrm ons TO A GARDEN-PARTY should be issued inthe name of the hostess
,and wi thin three weeks to a week
of the date fixed. At home cards should be used forthis purpose, and the words “ and party should beinvariably added after the names of the invited guests.
Tennis ” should be written in one corner of the card,which should also hear the hour and date of a gardenparty, four to seven .
“ Weather permitting ” is seldomwri tten upon the card, and the guests are expected to arriveeven though the aft ernoon should be showery and overcast,and only a thorough wet afternoon, with no break betweenthe showers, should prevent their non-appearing. In thecountry
,ladies think little of a drive of ten miles to attend
a garden-party.Annasem s
'rs roa GARDEN»PART IES .
—Garden-partie8or tennis-parties are given on difi'erent scales of expenditure
,
and the preparations are regulated accordingly.When a garden-party is given on a small scale, and the
preparations are comparatively few, refreshments should beserved in the house. (For the usual refreshments providedat garden-parties, and for the general arrangements, secwork entitled Party
o
giving on Every Scale,” published byMessrs. Warns.)A good supply of garden-chairs and seats should be
placed on the lawn and about the grounds, rugs spread on
the grass for those who sit out,and several sets of lawn
tennis provided for players.At large garden-parties a band is considered a necessary
Garden-Parties. 1 5 1
adjunct, and the band of the county militia or that of theregiment quartered in the vicinity is usually available forthese occasions.A band gives écs to an out door gathering and confers
local importance upon it. Apart from this, the strains of aband enliven an entertainment of this description in nolittle degree. The place where the band is stationed is arallying-point for the company, and the expense and troubleconsequent upon engaging a band are repaid by the amusement i t affords.The matter of engaging a military band is generallyundertaken by the master of the house , rather than by themistress, as, in the first place, the consent of the colonel ofthe regiment has to be obtained as a matter of form andcourtesy, before the arrangements are completed with thehe admaste r.Conveyance for the band has also to he provided and
discussed with the bandmaster, and also refreshments forthe bandsmen
,and these details are more effectually carried
out by a host than by a hostess .Occasionally a large marquee is erected in which to serve
refreshments, but more frequently the refreshments for thegeneral company are served in the house, and only cooldrinks dispensed in a tent to the cricketers or lawn-tennisplayers.
Gurawr-m'rcrms are often the meson d’
é‘
tra of a gardenparty, rendering it popular with both ladies and gentlemen .
The cricket-match in this case generally takes place in afield near to the grounds of the mansion, the match commencing about twelve o’clock, and the general companyarriving about half-past three,orpunctually at four to wi tnessthe finish.Lawn-tennis matches are frequently the occasion of givinggarden-parties, and some very exci ting play takes place.
1 5 2 Manners and Rules of Good S ociety.
When a lawn-tennis tournament is held it does not takethe form of a garden-party, as it usually lasts three days ;the arrangements made for holding it depend upon circumstances
, and it takes place, as do archery-matches, ineither private or public grounds.
Answ e rs—When a number of children are expectedat a garden-party, performances of marionettes, or punchaud-judy, or conjuring, are given for their amusement.In districts remote from town, these shows are difficult
to obtain therefore amateur showman come bravely to therescue, and their kindly efforts to divert the juvenilesmeet with due appreciation on all sides.N ot seldom a little amateur music is given at a gardenparty—not a pre-arranged programme of music, but impromptu performances. These good-natured efforts toenliven the company occupy about an hour, and suchperformances take place in either the drawing-room ormusic-room of the mansion.
Garden-parties seldom terminate with a dance, thoughoccasionally dancing closes the afternoon's amusements.The active exercise entailed by lawn-tennis precludesall desire on the part of the players for further exertion inthe shape of dancing, and young people apparently preferplaying lawn-tennis from four to seven on the lawn todancing in a marquee or in the drawing-room at that hour.A host and hostess receive their guests at a garden-partyon the lawn strangers should be introduced to the hostessby those who have undertaken to bring them to her house ,and she should shake hands with all comers. It is alsousual for guests to shake hands with the hostess on departure, if opportunity offers for so doing.Garden-parties commence from to 4 o’clock, and
terminate at 7 o’clock.
In making preparations for a garden-party, stabling for
CHAPTER XXI .
LUNCHEONS .
INVITAT IONS To LUNCHEON are very much the order ofthe day in fashionable society. Those who look back somefew years, remark the importance now accorded to this midday meal, and contrast i t with the past. The lateness ofthe dinner-hour in a measure accounts for the position nowtaken by luncheon in the day’s programme, joined to thefact that it Ofi’ers another opportunity for social gatherings ;and as the prevailing idea seems to be to crowd into one dayas much amusement and variety and change as possible
,ia
vitations to luncheon have become one of the features ofsocial life.INVITAT IONS To PUBL IC LuNcssONs are not now confined
to the celebration of local and civic events, but take a farwider range, and are given on every available opportunitywhen the occasion can be made to serve for assembling alarge party O f ladies and gentlemen . Luncheon is by someconsidered to be rather a lady’s meal than not, although inreality invitations are given as frequently to the one sex asto the other. Yet the predominance O f ladies at luncheonis due to the fact that the majority of gentlemen are toomuch Occupied at this hour to be at liberty to accept invitat ions to luncheon, while others, more idle, breakfast at solate an hour that to them a two O’clock luncheon is a threeas far as eating is concerned. Outside of those who are
L ane/teem. I 55
busy men and those who are idle men, and consequentlylate risers
,there is another semi-occupied class of men who
are always amenable to an invitation to luncheon .
This institution of luncheon is invaluable to people whohave many friends, acquaintances, and relations to entertain,as invitations to this meal are given for every day in theweek, with or wi thout ceremony, with long notice or shortnotice, or on the spur of the moment.Ladies enjoy the society of their hostess at luncheon far
more than at a dinner-party. At the former meal she makesgeneral conversation with her guests on both sides Of thetable ; at the latter she is monopolised by her immediateneighbours, by the gentleman who takes her down todinner, and by the one who sits at her right hand, whileshe leaves her guests to be entertained by the gentlemenwho take them in to dinner. At luncheon things aredifi
‘
erent ; there is no going in to luncheon, conventionallyspeaking, save on omcial and public occasions.Luncheon occupies a prominent place in the round of
hospitalities . Invitations to luncheon are not formallyissued on invitation cards, unless some especial reason existsfor giving a large luncheon-party. in which case it takes rankas an entertainment .Large luncheon-parties are given on occasions such as
lawn-tennis tournaments and lawn-tennis parties, archeryparties
,erieket~matches and bazaars, &c.
Semi-Official luncheons are given on the occasion of laying the foundation-stone of a church or public building, &c.
This class Of luncheon is beside the question , as it israther a banquet than a luncheon, for which printed cardsOf invitation are issued .
In general society invi tations to luncheon are issued bywritten notes or are verbally given, according to circumstances.
1 56 Manners and Rules of Good S ociety.
Invrrarroxs TO LUNCHEON .—A week’s notice is the
longest usually given, very little notice being considered
Many hostesses give their friends carts bfcmcha invitat ionsto luncheon but ladies as a rule seldom avail themselves ofthisj apan de parler, as they consider it, and prefer to awaita more direct form Of invitation. Gentlemen, on the contrary, are expected to avail themselves O f this profferedhospitality without ceremony, as the presence of a gentleman visitor at luncheon is considered an acquisition, thereason, perhaps, being, that ladies are usually in the majority at luncheon, and also that the unexpected arrival of oneor two ladies would call for a greater amount of attentionon the part of a hostess seated at luncheon than would theunexpected arrival of gentlemen, ladies requiring especialattention to be shown to them in the matter of a place attable, &c. , while gentlemen are ready to offer attentioninstead Of requiring it, and to take any place at table
,
whether convenient or otherwise.As a rule, the number of ladies present at luncheon greatly
exceeds thenumberofgentlemen present,unless at a luncheonparty, when a hostess usually endeavours to equalise thenumbers as far as possible ; but i t is not imperative forher to do this, and i t is immaterial whether there are asmany gentlemen as ladies present at luncheon or not.Luncheon is a very useful institution to a mistress of a
house, as it enables her to show a considerable amount ofcivi lity to her friends and acquaintances.She can invite to luncheon those it might not, for various
reasons, be convenien t to invite to dinner ; as for instance,young ladies, single ladies, elderly ladies, ladies coming totown, or into the neighbourhood for a few days only, andso on.
The usual rule in houses where there are children oldenough to do so
,is for the children to dine at luncheon
1 58 Manners and Rules of Good S oa'
ety .
and wraps. These should either be left in the hall on arrivalor taken ofi‘ in the drawing-room or dining-room . Glovesshould be removed before commencing luncheon .
Gentlemen should ei ther take their hats with them intothe drawing-room
,or leave them in the hall if the party is
a large one.T en minutes is the usual time allowed between the
arrival of the guests and serving luncheon, which is usuallyserved at the hour named, the received rule being not towai t for guests.GOING IN TO LUNCHEON .
—ou luncheon being announced,the hostess should say to the lady of highest rank present,“ Shall we go in to luncheon ? or some such phrase. (SecSociety Small The lady should then move towardsthe door, accompanied by the host
,if he is present, fol
lowed by the other ladies, as far as possible, according totheir respective precedency. The hostess should follownext,and the gentlemen after her, in their turn .
Guests should not go in to luncheon arm-in-arm as at adinner-party, but singly, each lady by herself, or when spacepermits, side by side. Gentlemen do likewise, but on arriving in the dining-room, each gentleman should place himselfby the side of a lady, or between two ladies, at table.The hostess should sit at the top of the table and the host
at the bottom ,as at dinner, but it is immaterial where the
guests themselves sit, although as a rule the lady of highestrank sits by the host, and the gentleman of highest rank bythe hostess .A late arrival should, on being ushered into the dining
room, make his or her way to the top of the table to shakehands with the hostess
,making some polite excuse for their
late appearance.A hostess should rise from her seat to welcome a lady
,
but she should not do so to welcome a gentleman.
L une/team. I 5 9
Luncheon is either served (3 la Russe or not, according toinclination, both ways being in equally good taste, although ,as a rule, the joint is served from the bufi
'
et or side-table,while the entrées, game, or poultry are placed on the tablealso.For further information respecting the arrangements for
luncheon, see the work entitled The Management of Servants. ”Formerly it was the custom in some houses for the ser
vants to leave the dining-room as soon as they had helpedthe various guests to the joint or joints, and handed roundthe vegetables and the wine, in which case the host andhostess helped the guests to the entrees and sweets, or thegentlemen presen t did so but now it is invariably the rulefor the servants to remain in the room during the whole ofluncheon, and to hand the dishes and wine, &c., to theguests as at dinnero
parties.
Luncheon usually lasts from half to three-quarters of anhour, during which time the hoste ss should endeavour torender conversation general .As at dinner
,it is the duty of a hostess to give the signal
for leaving the room,which she does by attracting the
attention of the lady of highest rank present by means of asmile and a bow, rising at the same time fromher seat.The host, or the gentleman nearest the door, should Openit for the ladies to pass out.The ladies should leave the dining-room as far as possible
in the order in which they have entered it, the hostessfollowing last .When the host is not present, the gentlemen should follow
the ladies to the drawing-room but when the host is present
,the gentlemen should remain in the dining-roomwi th
the host a short time before joining the ladies in the drawing-room.
It is optional on the part of the host whether he returns
160 Manners am! Rules of Good S ociety.
or not with the gentlemen to the drawing-room, although,if not particularly engaged, i t is more courteous to do so.Coffee is sometimes served after luncheon in the drawing
room. It is handed on a salver immediately after luncheon ;and it is not unusual to offer liqueurs after coffee.The guests are not expected to remain longer than twenty
minutes after the adjournment to the drawing-room hasbeen made.Ladies should put on their gloves on their return to the
drawing-roomafter luncheon .
Ladies having carriages should previously desire theircoachman to return for them from three to a quarter pastthree o’clock, and the servant should inform each guest ofthe arrival of her carriage.When a’ lady requires a cab, she should ask the hostess’s
permission to have one called for her.The subject of leave-taking is fully dwcribed in chapter
on Morning Calls.”
162 Manners and Rules of Good S ociety.
of the company should seat themselves according toinclination.
The table should be laid as for luncheon , and decoratedwith flowers and fruit. Tea and coffee should be servedfrom a side table by the servants in attendance.All dishes should be handed as at luncheon .
For the details of “ Breakfast-table arrangements andserving Breakfast
,see the work e ntitled “ The Manage
ment of Servants,” Chapter VII.The guests usually leave as soon as breakfast is over,unless the ladies are invited by the hostess to accompanyher to the drawing-room, or the gentlemen are invited bythe host to smoke a cigarette or cigar previous to theirdeparture.
Houss PARTY Bam msrs.—In the country the break
fast hour varies, from 9 to 10 30, and in some countryhouses it is an understood thing that the guests are atliberty to come down to breakfast any time between nine
and half-past ten .
The breakfast gong is a signal for assembling in thebreakfast-room or din ing-room, but it is not the custom towait for any one beyond five or ten minutes .The host and hostess at once take their places at the
breakfasutablc.
When the house-party is a large one and space permits,a number of small tables should be arranged in the breakfast-room, in addition to a long breakfast-table.The servants should remain in atte ndance during break
fast to wait upon the guests.There is no general move made from the breakfast- table
as in the case of luncheon or dinner, the hostess generallyremains until the whole of the guests have at least commenced breakfast, save in the case of very late comers, for
Breakfast‘s. I 63
whom she would not be expected to remain at the head of
the breakfast-table.The guests leave the breakfast-table as soon as they have
finished breakfast, without waiting for any intimation fromthe hostess to do so.
CHAPTER XXIII .
PICN ICS AND WATER-PART IES.
MANY things contribute to draw people into the countryand away from town in the month of September ; therefore,there is a far larger number in each and every neighbourhood inclined for a picnic or a water-party than in thethree previous months, June, Jaly, and August.Picn ic parties are sometimes invitation parties, and at
others contribution parties, or parties which partake in ameasure of the character of both .
Promos sr Roan arm Promos er Ru n—Almost eve rycounty has its show place, or its ruins, i ts ruined abbey ori ts castle, its romantic scenery, and its fine views, its hills orits dales, its waterfalls or its gleus. The southern andwestern counties are as rich in these respects as the easterncounties are barren .
When a picnic party is to proceed to its destination byrail, a saloon carriage is engaged beforehand, and arrangement is made at the nearest hotel to supply the party withluncheon at from 5 3 . to 108 . per head, according to thestyle of luncheon required ; or hampers of provisions aretaken under the charge of one or two men-servants.If the picnic party proceeds by road, a coach is the
favouri te mode of conveyance, whe ther driven by the owneror hired for the occasion . This is a more sociable way ofgoing to a picnic than dividing the party into detachmentsand conveying them in separate carriages. This is some
166 Manners and Rules of Good S ociety.
those well arranged little picnics given by officers in countryquarters, when the regimental coach conveys some favouredfew to some favourite spot.
WATER-PART IES .—There are many ways of arranging
a water-party, at yachting stations and at all riversideplaces. At yachting stations, for instance , a sailing yachtis hired to convey a party of from eighteen to twenty-fiveto some poin t of interest on the coast
, in which caseluncheon and tea are provided at an hotel in the vicinity ofthe place where the party have landed
,and the expenses are
equally divided . Not unfrequently,on the re turn journey,
the yacht is becalmed, and does not reach its dest inationuntil between two and three the following morning. If i thappens to be a fine moonlight night, this prolongation of awater-party is an additional source of enjoyment ; but ifthere is no moon as well as no wind, and the calm betokensa storm
,i t is the reverse of pleasant . But these little con
Iretemp s, when they do occur, rather lend a zest to the day’spleasure, and are something to talk about afterwards.Water-parties are often given by owners of yachts. These
are invitation parties, and luncheon, tea, and sometimesdinner
,are served on board, and the party land and strol l
about,but return to the yacht to be entertained .
P icnic and water-parties in general include as manygentlemen as ladies, whether they are invitation or contribution parties, although somet imes a majority of ladies isunavoidable. Ryde is a favourite station for water-parties,as the island itself as wel l as the opposite coast offer innumerable points of interest for picnicing, and many areable to combine the pleasures of the yacht with those of thesteam launch in one and the same water-party thus a partysails fromRyde to Yarmouth, I . ofW. , and then proceeds ina steam-launch to Alum Bay. Steam-launch parties areimmensely popular, both on the river and on the coast, and
Picnics and Wa loof -Parties. I 67
parties are given by the owners of steam-launches, or asteam launch can be hired by the day. Some picnic on
board, and others on shore, as they feel disposed. When,however, a steam launch is h ired for the day, a good lookout should be kept upon the engi neer, or he will insist on
landing at the most undesirable spots.
Canoe-parties on coast and river side are also popularwith both ladies and gentlemen, and here again the steamlaunch is brought into requisition to convey the partyhome, as an hour and a-half to two hours is an average timeto paddle a canoe after that time the party land either onthe rocks or on the shore, and light a fire and boil thekettle for tea. If the tea-drinking and the after-tea rambleare unduly prolonged there is a chance, if on the coast, of
the steam launch running out of coal, and of the partyhaving to return home in their own canoes considerablylater than was expected, and not a little fatigued.
CHAPTER XXIV
JUVENILE PART IES .
JUVENILE PAarIss form a prominent feature in the entert ainments given during the winter months. There isscarcely a household the children of which are not indulgedwith one large party at least, while others are allowed asmany as two or three children ’s parties during the wintermonths. These parties offer no little elastici ty as to theirarrangemen t, varying from a chi ld’s tea party, composed ,perhaps, of five or six children, to a juvenile ball, or fancydress ball . Some mothers object, on principle, to the latterentertainments, on the ground that to give a large juvenileball provokes a corresponding number of invitations, andthat a round of such gaieties is not good for young children,either from a moral or from a hygienic point of view '
Morally, that such amusements are likely to destroy orimpair the freshness of childhood, and to engender artificial ideas in their young minds in place of such as arenatural and healthy, and that the imi tation of the mannersand bearing of their elders causes them to become minia!ture men and women
,and directs them of the attributes
of artless and unaffected childhood .
The dresses worn by children at these entertainments areof so elaborate a character—and so much pride is exhibitedwhen wearing them—that a spirit of vanity and a love ofdress are aroused at a prematurely early age . From aphysical point of view, late hours, heated rooms, rich
1 70 Mmmers an d Rules of Good S at isfy.
The hours usually selected for children’s parties, whetheron a large or small scale, are from four to eight, five tonine, six to ten, or from seven to eleven.
The ch ildren on their arrival are received in the drawingroom. In most cases their relatives, either mothers orgrown-up sisters, are asked to accompany them.
There is great punctuality observed as regards the hourof arrival, and tea is usually served in the dining-roomabout half-an-hour after that named on the invitation card .
The interim is generally passed by children in watchingeach fresh arrival, and in greeting their little acquaintances, comparing notes with each other as to the te asand the parties they are going to, or in amusing themselves with the toys belonging to the children of the house,which are usually arranged on tables for this purpose and
mechanical toys,walking and talking birds, &c., musical
toys, picture books, and dolls, and the latest and newestinventions in the way of playthings afi
‘
ord the little visitorsan opportunity of becoming at ease wi th each other.Tea is generally dispensed at one end of a long table, andcoffee at the opposi te end. The governess usually pours outthe tea, and one of the daughters of the house the coffee ;or failing her, the head nurse or lady’s maid does so. Dishesof pound, plum ,
and sponge cake are placed the length of
the table, interspersed with plates of thin bread-aud-butter,biscuits, and preserves ; either the ladies of the family orthe servants in attendance hand them to the children.When the relatives accompany the children tea is usuallyserved to them in another room, but frequently they do notarrive until tea is over, and the nurses accompany thechildren to the house.Armen ian s— The arrangements for the evening’s
amusement are regulate d in a measure by the amount ofaccommodation a house afl
‘
ords, premising that boisterous
j uvenile Par/22’s. I 7 I
games are not allowed in drawing-rooms, unless all valuable ornaments or things likely to be broken are removed
If conjuring is one of the amusements provided, i tgenerally takes place in the drawing-room immediatelyafter tea, and lasts about an hour. A dancing-cloth is putdown over the drawing-room carpet ; rout seats or canechairs are arranged in rows. The youngest children are
seate d in the first row . Performing birds, performing dogs,or performing monkeys, are also favouri te amusementsat these parties
,and rank next to conjuring in the estima
tion of children. Punch and Judy or marionettes are
popular drawing-room amusements, and either occupies thespace of an hour.When amagic- lantern
,or panoramic views, is the enter
tainment prov ided, i t takes place in the dining-room or
library, or perhaps in the housekeeper’s room, if largeenough for the purpose.Dancing or games usually precede these amusements
,and
lasts from half to three ~quarters of an hour ; l ittle girlsdance with each other polkas
,valses, and quadrilles, as little
girls are, as a rule, more partial to dancing than are li ttleboys, although they one and all, great and small, join withglee in a country dance
,or in the Tempete, or in Sir
Roger dc Coverley.
”
Not longer than an hour is devoted to dancing, and thisis usually followed by games.
Impromptu charades is a favouri te pastime with children ;but to avoid the juvenile audience becoming weary andimpatient during the preparation of the charades it is as
well they should be amused with some quiet game,such as
forfeits,” cross questions and crooked answers,
” prover 620. At Christmas and New Year’s parties thedistribution of presents is a very important feature ;Christmas trees are now rather discarded in favour of
1 72 Manners and Rules of Good S ociety.
greater novelties. “ Father Christmas,” “ Santa C laus,The Fairy Godmother
,
”The Fairies Well,” or the
Lucky Bag ” and “ The Magic Log,” are some of themany devices for the distribution of presents these popularcharacters are represented by grown-up persons, and pro~voke much wonder and admiration amongst children. The
presen ts are usually given at the close of the evening.
LIGHT Rsrnssrmnsrs are provided in the dining-room—lemonadc, wine and water, every description of cake,sandwiches, crystallised fruits, French plums, figs, almondsand raisins, oranges, &c. Bon-bons containing paper cups,&c.
,which afi
'
ord children much amusement, are usuallyprovided.When a juvenile ball is given a supper is provided
otherwise light refreshments are considered sufficient, andare served twice during the evening. Sometimes thechildren of the family, if old enough and clever enough,act a little play—some nursery fairy tale, condensed intoone act, such as Beauty and the Beast
,
” “ C inderella,”&c—which lasts about an hour, and is followed bydancing.
When a juvenile fancy ball is given, one or two fancyquadrilles are arranged beforehand, to be danced by the
children in costume, the Nursery Rhyme Singing Quadrillebeing a very popular one.
1 74 Manners and Rules of Good S ociety.
that to specify the exact length of a visit is in a degree inhospitable, and not sufficiently polite and they, therefore,as a sort of compromise
,use the ambiguous term “ a few
days ” in lieu of distinctly defining the limit of theseinvitations. So far from vague invi tations such as thesebeing an advantage to invited guests, they not seldomplacethemat a disadvantage at more points than one. Theyare nucertain ou what day they are to take their departure. Theydo not wish by leaving a day earlier to disarrange any littleplan that their hostess may have contemplaMd for theiramusement ; neither do they wish to prolong their visit aday late r, lest by so doing they should break in upon anyengagements that she may have formed on her own accountindependently of her visitors. It is also not a little awkwardfor guests to tel l their hostess that they think of leaving onThursday by train . It might have suite d the hostessvery much better that her visitors should have left on theWednesday, and in her own mind she had perhaps inte ndedthat the visit should end on that day ; but, having left theinvitation open, more or less, by saying a few days,” thereis nothing left for her but to sacrifice her own arrangementsto the convenience of her guests, as wi thout discourtesy shecould hardly suggest to them that they should leave a dayearlier than the one they had named, and the visitors remainunconscious of having in any way trespassed upon the goodnature of their hostess.A few days is also an unsatisfactory wording of an
invitation to v isitors themselves as a rule, i t means threeor four days, but there is also an uncertainty as to whetherthe fourth day should be taken or not. Those who interpret a few days to mean three days,make their plans fordeparture accordingly ; failing this, they are compelled toleave their plans open, and stay from three to five days,according as chance and circumstances may dictate . Alady would perhaps require a little addition to her wardrobe
lVrz'
t/m l nw’
talz'
om. I 75
in the matter of a five days’ visit over that of a three days’stay ; but this is a trifling detail, although it helps to swellthe list of minor inconveniences which are the result ofvague invitations. There are, of course, exceptions to everyrule, and there are people who use this phrase of Will youcome to see us for a few days ?” in the bondfida sense ofthe word, and to whom it is immaterial whether their guestsremain three days or six days ; but such an elastic invitation as this is usually given to a relative, or to a veryintimate friend, whose footing in the house is that of arelat ion, and with whom the hostess does not stand on
ceremony, as far as her own engagements are concerned ;and people on these friendly te rms can talk over theirdeparture with their hostess, and 00t her about i t without the faintest embarrassment.The most satisfactory invitation is certainly the one thatmentions the day of arrival and the day of departure.Thus, after the rad on d
’
é‘
tre of the inv itation has beenstated, the why and the wherefore of itsbeing given, followsthe gist of the letter : “ We hope you will come to us onWednesday the 23rd, and remain until the 27 th.
”It is
, of
course, open to a hostess to ask her visitors to prolong theirstay beyond the date named if she sees reason for so doingbut this is the exception rather than the rule in the case ofshort visits, and guests take the ir departure as a matter ofcourse on the day named in the invitation . Hostess andguests are perfectly at ease upon the subject, and guests donot feel on delicate ground with their hoste ss, or fear tooutstay their welcome. When a visit has been paid it ispolite, if not imperative, to write to the hostess and expressthe pleasure that has been derived from it. O ftencr thannot some little matter arises which necessitates a note beingwritten apart from this ; but whether or not, good feelingand good taste would dictate that some such note should bewri tten, and, as it can always include little matters of general
1 76 Manners and R ules of Good S ociety.
interest in connection with the past visit,it need neither be
over ceremonious or coldly polite.To write a letter asking for an invitation
,or to answer a
letter asking for an invi tation, is in either case a difficul tletter to write, as many have ere this discovered. When amarried lady asks for an invitation for a young relative orfriend staying wi th her, to some dance or at home to whichshe herself is invited, the note is simple enough, and theanswer is generally a card of invitation or a wri tten permission to bring her. Again, in the case of asking forinvi tations for gentlemen, if a lady is going to a ball, shecan without hesitation
,ask forcards of invitation for one or
two gen tlemen friends of her own,mentioning their names
in the note. In this case also the answer is generally in theaffirmative, as men are always acquisitions at a ball . The
awkwardness of the situation arises when a good-naturedperson is solicited to obtain an invitation to a smart ball fora lady and her daughters
,or for the young ladies only
,the
latter knowing someone who would chaperon them,if they
could only get an invitation . If the lady who asks for theinvitation is a fashionable hall-giver, the probability is thather request will be granted ; but if the contrary, the reversewill most likely be the case, even when writing to anintimnte friend, there is always a delicacy in asking for aninvitation for a th ird person, and society appears to become,year after year, still more exclusive on this point. Manypeople are reluctant, or decline altogether, to put themselves under an obligation of this nature, even for thosewith whom they are most intimate ; i t may be that thenumber of refusals good-natured people have received fromtheir friends when trying to render services of this description, have made them chary of putting themselves forwardagain in a similar manner : it is chilling to be told thatthe list is over full, or that so many people have beenrefused already, or that there is not a card to spare . But a
1 78 Manners and Rules of Good S oez'
ely .
In all cases when an invitation is asked for, a hostessshould never neglect to send a reply, and should not takefor granted that her friends will naturally understand thatsilence gives consent, for under the circumstances it is verypossible to interpret it to signify a refusal.
CHAPTER XXVI .
REFUSING INVITATIONS .
MANY reasons exist for declining invitations, other thanthe plea of a prior engagemen t.
Mrs. M . regrets much regrets,’ or verymuch regretsthat a previous engagement preventsher having the pleasureof accepting Mrs. N .
’
a‘ invitation,’ or ‘ kind invitation.
’
When on more intimate terms, Mrs. M . should write in thefirst person when declining an invitation . It is an openquest ion whether the nature of the engagement should bestated or not. Even intimate friends often confine themselves to the statement of the bare fact only that a priorengagement exists others, on the contrary, state the natureof the engagement ; and there is no doubt that this lattercourse considerably softens a refusal and lessens the disappointment experienced
,and therefore when practicable
should always be followed.
When a prior engagement cannot be made the basis of arefusal, then the refusal must rest on other lines ; ill health,a severe cold, &c., are valid excuses. Failing these, the refusal should be as follows Mrs. Z . regrets she is unableto accept Mrs. X .
’
s kind inv itation, &c.
”
It occasionally happens that it is desirable to break an
engag ement, circumstances having changed the aspect of
things. The invitation, perhaps, was a verbal one, and a
refusal was not easy at the moment.Again, impromptu invitat ions are sometimes refused
,
N 2
180 M anners and Rules of Good S a fely.
having been too hastily accepted—the servant who broughtthe note waited for an answer, and on the impulse of themoment an affirmative answer was given the wife had nottime to consult her husband, and accepted for him as wellas for herself or perhaps some potent domestic reason thatcould not be explained induced a subsequent refusal .The fashionable world accepts refusals as a matter of
course, and fills up the gaps with other invitations.Refusals of dinner invitations from those for whom adinner party was partly originated are always disappointing,even to the most popular of dinner givers. In the sameway that the absence of the principal county neighbourfrom a county entertainment is felt to cast a shadow overthe proceedings of the day.
Al though printed cards of acceptance and of refusal arein general use, yet many cases arise which render writtenrefusals imperative.As regards the refusal of invitations asked for, such t e
quests should not be made unless on very safe ground, andwith a certainty of meeting with acquiescence, yet occasionally these requests are either unwelcome or inadmissible
,
and refusals are consequently given ; but, unless wordedwith tact and good nature, they are often the cause of
strained re lations between both friends and acquaintances.
1 82 Manners and Rules qf Good S ociety.
towns, and watering-places, young ladies can walk unaccompanied and unattended to visit their friends residing inthe near vicinity of their homes, or to attend classes, or forthe purpose of shopping, &c.
BOWING.—As regards the recognition of friends or ac
quaintances, i t is the privilege of a lady to take the initiatiye, by being the first to bow. A gentleman should notraise his hat to a lady until she has accorded him this markof recognition, although the act of bowing is a simultaneousaction on the part of both lady and gentleman, as a ladywould hardly bestow a bow upon a gentleman not preparedto return i t.The bow between intimate acquaintances takes the chareeter, when given by a lady, of a familiar nod in place ofa stifi'bow.
When a gentleman returns the how of a lady with whomhe is but sl ightly acquainted, he should do so with a deferential air, but very slightly raising his hat from his head .
When he is an intimate acquaintance or friend, he shouldraise his hat with more freedom of action and with aquicker movement, and the how should be neither tooempressé nor too distant.In France and on the continent general ly
,the rule of
bowing is reversed, and the gentleman is the first to bow tothe lady
,instead of the lady to the gentleman.
Between ladies but sl ightly acquainted, the one of highestrank should be the first to bow to the other ; betweenladies of equal rank it is immaterial which of the two bowsfirst.A lady should not how to persons only known to her bysight
,although she may frequently have seen them in the
company of her friends.A lady should bow to a gentleman, either a friend or
Walking , Driving , and Riding . I 83
acquaintance, even when he is walking with either a ladyor gentleman
,with whom she is unacquainted .
Gentlemen do not raise their hats in recognition of eachother
,but simply nod .
When a gentleman meets another—a friend of hiswalking with a lady, or ladies, with whom he himself isunacquainted, he should not raise his hat, but nod to his
A lady should not how to another who, being a strangerto her, has addressed a few remarks to her at an afternoonparty, as the fact of meeting at the house of a mutual frienddoes not constitute an acquaintanceship, and does not sat horise a future bowing acquaintance.Ladies, as a rule, are not too ready to bow to those whom
they have merely conversed with in a casual way. In thefirst place, they are not quite certain of being remembered ,and nothing is more disconcerting and disagreeable than tobow to a person who does not return it through forgetfulness of the one who has given it, or through shortsighted~ness, or through actual intention . Short-sighted people arealways offending in the matter of not bowing, and almostevery third person , comparatively speaking, complains of
being more or less short-sighted thus it behoves ladies todiscover for themselves the strength and length of sightpossessed by their new acquaintances, or the chances are
that their bow may never be returned , or they may continueto labour under the impression that they have received acut direct thus many pleasant acquaintances are lostthrough this misapprehension, and many erroneous impres~sions created.
A bowing acquaintance is a difficult and tiresome one tomaintain for any length of time, when opportunities do notarise for increasing it. The irksomeness of keeping it upis principally experienced by persons meeting day after dayin the park or on public promenades, riding, driving, or
184 Manners and Rules of Good S an dy.
walking, more especially when it is tacitly understood thatthe acquaintance should not develope into a further se
quaintance .It would be considered discourteous to discontinue a
bowing acquaintance which has once been commenced.
To know a gentleman by sight through hav ing frequentlyseen him at balls and parties, does not give a lady the rightto bow to him, even though she may have stood beside himfor some twenty minutes or so on a crowded staircase, andmay have received some sl ight civility from him.
A lady who has rece ived a little service from a strangerwould gladly acknowledge it at any subsequent meeting bya pleasant how, but as bowing to a gentleman argues anacquaintance with him, and as in such cases as these anacquaintance doesnot exist, etiquette provides no compromise in the matter. Thereforegif a young lady takes her ownline, and rather than appear ungraciousbows to a gentlemanwho has not been i ntroduced to her either directly or indirectly, it is a breach of etiquette on her part and as to doan unconventional thing is not desirable, the innumerablelittle services which ladies receive in general society are notfurther acknowledged beyond the thanks expressed at themoment of t heir being received.Bows vary materially there is the friendly how,
thedistant how, the ceremonious how, the deferential how,
thefamil iar how, the reluctant bow, and so on, according tothe feelings that actuate individuals in their intercoursewith each other.When a bowing acquaintance only exists between ladiesand gentlemen, and they meet perhaps two or three timesduring the day, and are not sufliciently intimate to speak,they do not usually howmore than once,when thus meetingin park or promenade.
Im onrcrroxs our or noons are rather a matte r of
186 M anners and Rafe; of Good S ociety.
seat she occupies depends upon the side of the carriage sheenters
,as the lady driving wi th her should enter the carriage
before her and should seat herself on the furthest seatfacing the horses.A visitor should always enter the carriage before thehostess.When three ladies enter a carriage the young unmarried
lady should take the back seat of the carriage, the twomarried ladies should occupy the front seat facing thehorses ; this is a matter of courtesy on the part of a younglady due to married ladies and not strictly demanded by
A husband should si t with his back to the horses when alady is driving with his wife
,but not otherwise .
A gentleman should be the first to get out of a carriage,
with a view to assisting the ladies to do so.As a rule the hostess should leave the carriage after herguest and not before her, unless it is more convenient to dootherwise.When a lady is merely calling for an acquaintance totake her for a drive, she should not descend from her
carriage for the purpose of allowing her to enter it. before her.In the afternoon young ladies should not drive alone inthe public thoroughfares, but should be accompanied by amarried lady. It is not considered good style for a veryyoung lady to drive alone in a victoria or brougham in thepark or in the crowded streets, although she might drivefrom one house to another in a quiet neighbourhood to joinher mother or chaperon, or to execute some little commission .
A young married lady, on the contrary, can drivewherever she pleases and drive alone. It would be in badtaste for a married lady to offer a gentleman a seat in herv ictoria, unless he were a near relative, although , if drivingwith another ladv in a barouche or landau, it would be
Walking , Driving ,cma'Riding . 1 87
quite correct were she to offer a gentleman a seat in hercarriage if she felt disposed to do so.
It would be very unconventional were a lady to drivealonewith a gentleman in his phaeton, T -cart, or victoria, unlesshe were nearly re lated to her, or unless she were engaged tobe marri ed to him.
It is usual for the owner of a carriage to sit with her faceto the horses when a married lady is driving with her sheshould sit beside her. When young ladies are driving withher in addition to the married lady they should sit withtheir backs to the horses .When a lady is driving with her husband in a dogc art
,
phaeton, or pony carriage, and a young lady accompaniesher
,she should not offer the front seat to the young lady
but should re tain it herself, and even should the offer bemade
,a young lady should not avail herself of it.
Emma—As regards riding in town, the hour for practicein the Row is between ten and twelve for inexperiencedriders and beginners ; young ladies ride with a ridingmaster or with a riding-mistress, or with a relative as the
From twelve to two, rank and fashion, and youth andbeauty
,assemble in the Bow.
The smart pace for the Bow is a short cauter, making ahorse show himself off to the best advantage, and keepinghimwell in hand . A lady should only trot when she has amost perfectly broken-ia animal and can rise to its trotwith no apparent effort ; as directly i t appears laboured itis a mistake
,and should never be attempted in the Bow.
The fashion of squaring the elbows has been for some littletime in vogue, but it is one of doubtful elegance.It is thoroughly understood that a lady should not ride
in the Bow alone—that is,unaccompanied or unattended
at any hour of the day, very invidious reflections would be
188 filamzers and Rule: of Good S ociety.
made on a lady who attempted to brave public opinion andset conventionality at defiance but yet it may be argued,and very l ikely wi ll be in these days of woman’s emancipation, that no possible harm or annoyance could arise fromthe fact of a lady riding unattended, beyond the alwayspossible chance of an accident.Although a lady must necessarily be accompanied when
riding in the Bow, yet a wide choice is allowed her withregard to a companion. If a married lady, it is consideredquite correct if she accepts the offer of any friend to ridewith her, married or unmarried, and a young unmarriedlady could equally, as a matter of course, center in companywith a married man, a friend of her family ; but were ayoung unmarried man to propose riding with her, it wouldbe an open question as to whether he might or might notdo so.As a rule
,young people of opposite sexes, fair and
fascinat ing, seldom ride out together in London, unless theyhappen to be an engaged couple.It is allowable for two ladies to ride together
, nu
accompanied by a gentleman and unattended by a groombut in most cases they prefer having either one or the otherin attendance.The manner in which a horse is groomed, and his general
appearance, is a matter of great moment to his rider, ofei ther sex, and many a lady possesses as keen an appreciation as to how a horse should look when brought round forher to mount as anymember of the sterner sex. Some menare quite fastidious as to the condition of their horses
,even
to the length of a hair in an animal's tail. Elderly gentlemen often prefer to amble on quiet cobs, leaving it totheir grooms to display the good points of their stables.
Cocxanss sun worn: by servants in livery of officers inthe army and navy ; of those who hold Her Majesty's
CHAPTER XXVI II .
counrnr-nouss v1srrs.
SEP'rm sn is actually the commencement of the countryvisiting season, the few visits that are paid in Augustbut a prelude to the programme that is to follow during thesucceeding five months.The visi tors received in August are principally relatives.
The exceptions to the August family parties are the Augustcricket parties in the counties where cricket is made agreat feature during that month , where the cricket weeksand consequent large country house parties are of annualrecurrence, and where balls and private theatricals formpart of the week’s amusement. It often follows that peoplevisit at the same houses year after year, they arrange theirtour of visits with regard to those invitations which theyannually receive ; new acquaintances and new houseswhereat to visi t are added to the list from time to time andtake the place of those which, as a matter of course, dropout of it. Sometimes the invitations fit into each otheradmirably
,like the pieces of a puz z le, at others t here is an
awkward interval of a day, or two or three days, to be filledup between leav ing one house and arriving at another. I f
the hostess is, in either case, a relation or an intimatefriend
,this difficulty is easily surmounted by staying on at
one house until the day fixed for arrival at another, or viceerred, but if a guest is on ceremony with herhostess, or if,as is often the case , new arri vals are expected for the follow
Cozmtry -lzouse Vz'
sils. 1 9 1
ing weeek, the alternative is to spend a few days in town, asalthough the house where the next visi t to be paid mightbe within twenty or thirty miles of the house the visitor isabout to leave
,it would be unusual to spend the interval at
an hote l in the adjacent town, as to do so might reflectupon the hospitahty of the hostess . On the other hand,invitations are sometimes given independently of dates, butthis fri endly style of invitation is not given when a largeparty is invi ted, and i t is understood to mean that thehostess may be quite alone, or may have guests stayingwi th her, as the case may be. This form of invitation isfre quently given to people visiting in Scotland, on accountof the great distance fromtown.
It is a very general custom to give shooting parties thefirst week in September, harvest permitting. If the harvestis late on account of unfavourable weather the shootingparties are postponed until the second or third week in themonth if not, the guests, or at least the crack guns, areusually invited forAugust 3 l st, to be in readiness for themorning of the First.There are large shooting parties and small shootingparties, shooting parties to which royalty is invited andshooting parties restricted to intimate friends or relations,but in either case the period is the same
,three days’
shooting.
If a party is limited to five guns, seven ladies is theaverage number invited
,the hostess relying upon a neigh
bour or a neighbour’s son to equalise the balance at thedinner table. The success of house-parties mainly dependsupon people knowing each other, or fraternising when theyare introduced or have made each other's acquaintance.The ladies of a country-house party are expected, as a rule,to amuse themse lves
,more or loss, during the day. After
luncheon there is usually a drive to a neighbouring town,a
little shopping to be done there, or a cal l to be paid in the
1 9 2 Manners and Rules qf Good S at iety.
neighbourhood by some of the party, notably the marriedladies, the young ladies being left to their own resources.At the close of a visi t game is offered to those of theshooters to whom it is known that it will be acceptable.The head game-keeper is usually instructed to put up acouple of brace of pheasants and a bare. But in somehouses even this custom is not followed, and the
o
whole of
the game killed, with the exception of what is require d forthe house, finds its way into the market, both the localmarket and the London market.The first three weeks of September gives a hostem little
anxiety on the score of finding amusement for the ladies ofthe party, as so many aids out of doors are at her commandat this season of the year. This is a great advantage,as although some few ladies possessing great strengthof nerve have taken up shooting as an amusement andpastime and acquit themselves surprisingly well in thismanly sport, yet ladies in general are not incl ined for sodangerous a game, and find entertainment in strictly feminine pursuits
,while even those intrepid ladies who have
learnt how to use their little gun would never be permi ttedto make one or two of a big shooting party, even were theyso inclined.
A good hostess has great opportunities of distinguish .
ing herself when entertaining a country-house party,
from the arrival of the first carriage to the departure of
the last . Her consideration and tact are so successfuflyexerted that somehow her guests always find themselvesdoing exactly what they like best and in company withthose who are most congenial to them, to say nothing of
the comfort of the general domestic arrangements, whichseem to have been arranged exclusively for their convenience. If they wish to drive, there is a carriage at theirdisposal
, if they prefer a constitutional, there is someonevery agreeable desirous of walking with them . The daily
1 94 M afmers afld Rules of Good S ociety.
coach the whole party is conveyed on it, otherwise all thecarriages are brought into requisition, from the baroucheto the T-cart, while saddle horses are provided for thosewho care to ride. A country house party occasionallyresolves itself into two or more cliques, as far as the ladiesare concerned ; gentlemen , as a rule, are not much givento this sort of thing . On the first evening, as soonas the ladies have left the dining-room for the drawingroom, these little cliques are tacitly formed, and continueunbroken until the close of the visit. There are manyreasons which call these cliques into existence—old intimacies revived, new acquaintanceships to be strengthened,unwelcome acquaintanceships to be avoided
,and so on .
These cliques are by no means agreeable to the hostess,indeed, quite the contrary—but she is powerless to preventtheir being formed, and she is herself sometimes drawninto one or other of them
,and sometimes altogether ex
:luded h‘
om them . Anyone who is at all conversant withcountry-house vis iting is aware how thoroughly the influenceof the clique pervades the atmosphere of the drawing-roomand yet, perhaps, at country-house parties more friendshipsare formed and intimacies cemented than at any othergatherings.The even ing amusements at country-house parties varyvery much according to the proclivities of the hostess orthose of her daughters . At some houses dancing is theorder of things for a couple of hours or so after dinner, butthis mode of spending the evening does not always commenditself to the gentlemen, who, after a long day’s walkingthrough wet turnips and over heavy ploughed land
,or a
hard day’s riding over stifi’
fences,rather incline towards
the dolce j ar ms of a luxurious arm-chair than to thepleasures of the mazy valse, and are proportionately gratefulto a hostess who does not call upon them to undergo anyfurther exercise than what they have already gone through
Country-M e V55225 . 1 9 5
for their own pleasure. Some hostesses entertain theirguests with vocal music, while others incline to amateurtheatricals and tableauxm’
vants, impromptu charades, dumbcrambo, thought reading, and feats of nerve power, &c.,
which latter is a very fashionable amusement, and easy ofaccomplishment,while the former demands considerable studyand plenty of time for rehearsal , therefore theatricals aregenerally engaged in when the party is composed of relativesrather than of acquaintances, and when the visit would beperhaps prolonged to ten days or a fortnight. Somehostesses prefer keeping late hours to early hours, and donot retire until afte r twelve this does not commend itselfto the gentlemen, as they are not supposed to adjourn tothe smoking-room until the ladies have left the drawingroom, and gentlemen like to spend a couple of hours in thesmoking-room after dinner.Ladies are never expected to invade the privacy of the
smoking-room, and those ladies who are masculine enoughto do so offend against good taste, and their presence, iftolerate d, is as unusual as it is undesired.In hunting counties the breakfast is usually an early one
,
varying from nine o’clock to half-past nine,according to
whether the ride to covert is likely to be a long or a shortone ; but, as a rule, the nominal breakfast hour is teno’clock. A certain amount of latitude is allowed to guestsas regards coming down to breakfast ; they do not assemblein the morning-room, but al l make their way to the breakfast-room, and seat themselves at once at table .In Scotland, an invitation to shoot ofte n means a visit ofthree weeks. The accommodation of the shooting-box orlodge may be limi ted or primitive, and tt is very often bothof these ; but it matters very little to the sportsman whatsort of bed he sleeps on, or how he is made to rough i t,providing the grouse are plentiful . On some of the moorsthere are but cottages and farmhouses for the occupation of
c11.
1 96 Manners and Rules of Good S o: zely .
the sportsmen, but on others the houses are excellen t, andlet with the moors, as many take a moor season after seasonand invite their friends to shoot between the 12th of Augustand O ctober. The grand shooting parties that are annuallygiven in Scotland by own ers of large estates and fine shootings extend throughout the whole of the shootmg season,and guests come and go without intermission as one leavesanother arrives. Certain houses or castles are much gayerthan others ; to some very few ladies are asked, the majorityof the guests being gentlemen—probably the hostess andtwo ladies and eight men—ia others, the numbers are moreequal in others, the party sometimes consists entirely ofmen with a host and no hostess. Ladies generally asktheir most intimate friends to Scotland rather than acquain tances, as they are left to themselves the whole of the day,dinner being often postponed until nine o’clock, on accountof the late return of the sportsmen.
South of the Tweed, September invitations are usually givenfor three or four days, from Tuesday till Saturday ; marriedcouples, young ladies, and young men, are all asked, and theladies find amusement in lawn-tennis, or in attending orassisting at some neighbouring bazaar or fancy fair, as inthis month county bazaars are very popular, and the visitorsat one house lend their services in conjunction with thevisitors at another, to hold stalls at a baz aar got up by athird influential lady and thus the stalls are well stocked
,
and the fashionable stall-holders give an impetus to the
Ladies see very little of the gentlemen between breakfastand dinner. The shooters start about eleven, and seldomreturn much before seven.
When it is dark at four, those who prefer ladies’ societyand tea to the smoking-room and billiards, make themselvespresentable and join the ladies.
CHAPTER XXIX .
Lamas m ms Bm ws-Frsnn.—There is no arena
better fitte d to display good riding on the part of womenthan the hunting-field
,and no better opportunity for the
pract ice of this delightful accomplishment and for itsthorough enjoyment. It is urged, however, that it arguescruelty of disposition and unwomanly feel ing to join in thepursuit of a poor miserable hunted fox, and worse still to bein at the death , and that women are liable to be carried awayby the enthusiasm of the hour to applaud and to witnesswhat they would otherwise shrink from . This argumenthas a certain weight, and deters many from actually hunting who would otherwise join in the sport, and they make acompromise by regularly attending the meets
, and evenwitnessing a throw-off of a fox-break covert. Every strongpoint that a rider possesses is brought out in the field.
The center in the Bow, the trot through the country-lanes,or the long country ride are very feeble substitutes for theintense enjoyment experienced when taking part in a goodrun the exci tement felt and shared in by the whole fieldexhilarates and stimulates, and renders fatigue a thing outof the question, not to be thought of unti l the homewardride is well over.Considering the number of ladies who hunt, the accidentsthat occur are surprisingly few, for the obvious reason thatladies do not attempt to hunt unless their skill as good
Hunting and Seed ing . 1 9 9
horsewomen is beyond all question. Their husbands, theirfathers, their brothers would not allow them to jeopardisetheir lives, unless their riding and experience, their courage,their nerve, and their instruction justified the attempt.There are also two other weighty considerations necessaryto success, a good mount, and a good lead . The father orhusband invariably selects the one, and the friend—eitherof the fair rider or of the husband or brother—gives theall-important lead, without which few ladies venture uponhunting, save those few who are independent enough to cutout their own work.Ladies, who are naturally fond of riding, cannot always
indulge in the pleasure of hunting, on the ground of expense, for instance. A lady may possess a fairly good homefor ordinary purposes, to ride in the Bow, or for countryexercise, but very few gentlemen of moderate means canafford to keep hunters for the ladies of their families as wellas for themselves
,although, in fiction, this is freely done.
If a lady has one good hunter of her own, she may expecttwo days’ hunting a week, providing the country is not toostiff, and the meets are fairly convenient. Occasionally, amount may be obtained from a good-natured fri end, whosestud is larger than his requirements ; but this is not to bedepended upon in every-day life, and popular lad ies andfirst-rate riders are more in the way of rece iving theseattentions than the general run of ladies.As regards the presence of young ladies in the hunting
field, there are two opinions respecting i ts advisability,apart from the question of whether i t is or is not a femininepursuit. The long ride home in the November and December twilight, in the company of some member of the hunt,who has become the young lady’s cavalier for the timebeing, is not to the taste of many parents ; chaperonagemust of necessity be greatly dispensed with in the hunting
200 Illamzers and Rules of Good Sat isfy.
field, and this is an objection which many fathers advanceagainst their daughters hunting.Some husbands entertain equally strict v iews on th is
head, and are of opinion that the boldest rider and the bestlead to follow in the field is not always the guest theywould most desire to see at their own firesides.
Em -Bumxrssrs.- A lady should not go to a hunt
breakfast at the house of a country gentleman if unacquainted with him, or some member of his family, unlessasked to do so by amutual acquaintance. All gentlemenriding to hounds, whether strangers to the host or not,have the privilege of entering any house where a huntbreakfast, is given and accepting the hospitality offered.The breakfast, which is in reality a cold collation, with theaddition of wine, liqueurs, ale, &c., is usually laid out inthe dining-room, and no ceremony whatever is observedthe gentlemen come and go as they please .
The mistress of the house should either be present at ahunt-breakfast and rece ive the ladies who arri ve in the hallor dining-room, or she should receive them in the drawingroom
,where refreshments should be brought to them .
When a hostess intends riding to hounds, she is oftenmounted before her neighbours arrive
,in which case she
invite s them to enter the house for refreshments, if theycare to do so.
Gm asnsx wuo co DOWN INTO A COUNTY for a fewdays’ hunting only, seldom wear “ pink,” and prefer ridingto hounds in black coats.The members of the hunt wear pink as a matte r of
course, but it is considered better taste for a stranger towear a black cost than to appear in a new, very new, un
specked red one .
SPORTING Tm s. Persons unversed in matters apper
2 0 2 Mariners and Rules of Good S andy.
Partridge dri ving does not take place until January toany great extent . Pheasant shooting commences the l at ofO ctober and terminates the l at of February.
Hares may be shot up to the l at of March .
Rabbits may be shot all the year round. Books are shotduring the spring and summer.Tun Errounrrs osssuvsn BY Sroarsuss with regard
to shooting is very strict, and there are es1t ain rules inrespect to this sport which a man should make himself aoquainted with before attempting to engage in it in companywith other sportsmen. Many good stories are told of in
experienced sportsmen who, relying on a superficial knowledge of the subject
,manage to commit many ludicrous
blunders . For instance,they oftener than not violate one
of the first rules of shooting, that of “ never pointing thegun at any one when out shooting—neither at sportsman,keepers, or dogs ; in illustration of which a story is currentof a gentleman who, when his bird rose, slowly and deliberately pointed his gun at each man as he stood in l ine,rendering it a matter of uncertainty and suspense as to
which of the party he intended to shoot, and who, whensharply interrogate d as to what he meant to do, calmlyreplied that he was following his bird.
”
The dog,” again, is a great stumbling-block to the ih
experienced gun .
” He usually insists on bewildering himwith a multiplicity of words and directions, using a
different expression each time he speaks to him, althoughconveying the same order, regardless of the fact that thefewer the words addressed to the dog the better. Thus,the inexperienced sport sman usually exclaims “ Go and
find,
” “ There’s a good dog,” “ Hie, find,” “ Good dog,"“ Where is it ? ” all this in a breath and with growingexcitement, confusing and bewildering the dog, and exasperatinghisfellow-sportsmen, who, by one word addressed
Hunting and Seed ing . 203
to the dog, such as “ His,” “ Seek, or Ste ady,” cause
him at once to understand his duty ; as a sportsmanuses but one expression to indicate each particular dutyrequired of the dog. Again, the inexperienced sportsmanenrages his party by explaining when the dog is required tofal l behind, Come here, sir, come here,” Back,” There’sa good dog,” Go behind
,sir,” “ Come back, old fellow,”
instead of using one short word of command such as
Heel .”Dogs properly trained—and a sportsman would not take
one out that was not- thoroughly understand the shortword of command given ; a dog’s memory is so retentivethat he never forgets a word he has been taught or the application of it, although he may not have heard it for halfa dozen years.Numberless good stories are told both in print and out ofit of the ignorance displayed by embryo sportsmen d proposof dogs, such as the following —A sportsman of thiscalibre, on being told by his host that if he followed thedog—a well-trained pointer—he would be safe to have agood day’s sport, did so lite rally, and hunted him fromfield to field, and when at last he came up with him, when“on a point
,
” dealt him a smart blow to drive him onwards,
exclaiming I have tired you out at last, have IIt is difficul t to make a would-be sportsman comprehendthe strict etiquette maintained between the owners of
manors that is to say, he would think nothing of crossingthe boundary of his host’s manor, “ gun in hand,” if hefelt inclined to follow a bird or hare he had wounded,oblivious of the fact that, in the first place, the greatestpunctiliousness is observed between gentlemen in thematter of trespassing on each other’s land when out shootingand
,that unless the greatest intimacy existed, a sportsman
would hardly venture to pick up his dead bird if it hadfallen on a neighbour’s manor, and would on no accoun t
204 r’lf auuers and Rules of Good S ociety.
look for a wounded bird, but for a dead one only. In thesecond place he would carefully observe the rule of leavinghis gun on his own side of the boundary, and would certainlynot carry it with him on to his neighbour’s land. Theseare points that strangers invited for a few days’ shootingvery often fall foul of, creating thereby much unpleasantness for their host through their ignorance and inexperience.When a gentleman is invited to join a shooting-party,i t would not be necessary for him to take a loader wi th him,
as his boat would find a man te perform that office for him,
unless he had a servant with him capable of performing thatduty but if he were residing in the neighbourhood he would,as amatter of course, take his loader with him when askedto join a shooting-party
,and in both cases he would shoot
with two guns,as to shoot with one gun only causes a
vexatious delay,more especially if the one gun should
happen to be a muz z le loader, for nothing is more irritatingto a party of sportsmen than to be kept waiting while theone muz z le-loader is being loaded
,they themselves using
breach-loaders.Another cause of offence to sportsmen is for a gentlemanto be noisy when out shooting, that is to say, to be “ loudlytalkative,” or “ boisterously merry, or given to indulge inexclamations when a bird rises, or when a bird is missedyour true sportsman maintains a strict silence.A gentleman “ looks ” for his bare, or “ picksup his hare,he does not track it unless it were shot and lost in the snow,while to trap a bare would be an offence only committedby a poacher, and scarcely by a gentleman on his own land,or on that of any one else .There are numberless other points relating to field sportswhere in the “ inexperienced sportsman is apt to giveoffence, but which would take up too much space to
enter into in a work of this description. Therefore,but
CHAPTER XXX.
SHAKING HANDS .
Tun etiquette with regard to shaking hands is not anopen question, i t is distinct enough and simple enough forall exigences, but yet there is individual temperament to betaken into account which in many drives etiquette out ofthe field
,if by etiquette is understood not merely stifi’ pro
priety of action, but politeness in the truest sense of theword, and doing that which is exactly the right thing to do.Etiquette rules when to shake hands and when not to doso
,when to bow and when not to bow but in spite of this
knowledge, which is within every one’s reach, there aremany mistakes made on this head.
For instance, one does not offer to shake hands whenexpected to do so ; another cfiers to shake hands threetimes one displays unwarrantable warmth in shakinghands ; another extends two fingers only ; one shakes handsin a limp and uncomfortablemanner, and takes the extendedhand merely to drop it ; another literally pumps the ex
tended hand, or crushes the rings into a lady's fingers whenshaking hands with her.A lady who does not shake hands when expected to do
so is actuated by one or other of the following reasons- shedid not wish to shake hands with a certain acquaintance
,
and preferred to bow only, or she was not aware whethershe should have shaken hands or not.The gentlemen who shake hands with great warmth and
Skat ing H (ma/s. 20 7
empressement are two dist inct individuals the one iscordial and large-hearted, and has a friendly grasp foreveryone—a grasp indicative of kindliness, geniality, andgood fellowship—the other wishes to ingratiate himself incertain quarte rs
,and loses no opportunity ofdemonstratively
shaking hands, but no one is deceived by this spuriousimitation of the real thing.
When a lady gives but two fingers to people whom shedoes not care about
,she is always a person who fancies
herself, and who feels very fine she doubtless is, but hergood breeding and her good feeling are both in questionwhen she takes this method of showing the superiority of
herself and her position over that of other people.There are other eccentricities indulged in by different
people who shake hands when they should not,and people
who do not shake hands when they should.
It depends upon whom a lady is introduced to, or uponwho is introduced to her, whether she should or should notshake hands . She should not shake hands on being casuallyintroduced to a person altogether a stranger to her ; butyet there are so many occasions when it is both proper andcorrect to shake hands on being introduced, that the ruleon this head is a very elastic one.For instance, a host and hostess should shake hands with
every stranger introduced to themat their house.A lady should shake hands on being introduced to the
relations of her intended husband.A lady should shake hands on being introduced to the
friend of an intimate friend.When a lady has entered in to conversation to any extentwith some one to whom she has been introduced, and findsshe has much in common with her, she should shake handson taking leave but if she has only exchanged a few common-place sentences, a how would be all that is necessary.
A lady usually take s the initiative with regard to shaking
208 Manners and Rules of Good S at isfy.
hands as with bowing ; but in reality it is a spontaneousmovement, made by both lady and gentleman at the samemoment
,as the hand ought not to be extended or the bow
given unless expected and instantaneously reciprocated.A young lady should not offer to shake hands with onenot expectant of the honour.Shaking hands on taking leave is, with some few people,
a graceful and pleasant fashion of saying good-bye intimatefriends hold the hand while the last words are being said.Women hold each other’s hands thus on parting, and somefew men take each other’s hands ; but with them it israther a foreign fashion, and is principally followed by thosewho have lived much on the Continent ; for, as a rule, anEnglishman prefers the hearty English shake of the hand.
A lady having once shaken hands with another,should
continue to do so at subsequent meet ings, unless a coolnessof manner warns her that a how would be more acceptable.With regard to shaking hands at a dinner-party withacquaintances. If the dinner-party is a small one
, and
there is time to shake hands, it is correct to do so ; butwhen there is little time before dinner . and no good opportunity for shaking hands, bows to acquaintances at distantparts of the room, or when seated at the dinner-table, aresufficient recogni tion for the time being.
At an evening-party it depends upon Opportuni ty whetheracquaintances shake hands or not.
2 10 Manners and Rules of Good S awfly .
the other hand,a young married lady could do so wi th the
Were a young lady to appear in society unaccompan i ed bya chaperon it would be unconventional in the ex treme,although the chaperonage is more or less relaxed sw ordingto the character of an entertainment and the age of theyoung lady attending i t.At country out-door gatherings for instance, such asgarden-parties, lawn-tennis-parties, archery-parties, and soon, the chaperonage required is of a comparatively sligh tnature, and for which any chaperonage might be mad eavailable but it is only at this description of out door/etcthat the rule is at all relaxed, and where young ladies mayappear unaccompanied by a chaperon ; but even then, acertain degree of intimacy must exist wi th the hostess towarrant their putting themselves under her charge for thetime being.
At all other entertainments, it is imperative that a younglady should be accompanied by a chaperon, whether it be adinner or a dance, an afternoon tea or an evening assembly
,
a concert or ball, or theatre, &c. and a young lady whoattempts to evade this received rule would be consideredunconventional and unused to the conz'cnances prescribed bysociety.
The bias of many young ladies of the present day is toassert asmuch independence of action as opportunity offers,but any dereliction in this respect is noted to their disadvantage .A t dinner-parties the duties of a chaperon do not weigh
heavily upon her, as beyond taking her charge to, and
bringing her from the house where the dinner is to’
begiven
, she is not in any way required to exert herself forher benefit
,socially speaking.
It is more especially at at homes, dances, and balls, thatan efficient chaperon is most needed, and the want of such
C lzapsrofzs and D ééutaflles. 2 1 I
most felt. By a good chaperon is meant a lady possessinga large circle of acquaintances, who is popular as wellas good-natured—unremittingly good-natured throughout the whole evening in introducing the young lady underher care to these ladies of her acquaintance who are in thehabit of giving entertainmen ts, and by introducing anygentlemen to her whom she thinks would be l ikely to askher to dance.A good chaperon establishes a sort of good-natured survaillance over her young charge if at an “ At home shewould draw her into conversation when conversing withdifferent friends ; and if at a ball, she would expect hercharge to return to her side afte r every dance , and would evenundergo a l ittle extra fatigue by remaining a li ttle laterthan she otherwise would, if she thought that by so doingshe could give pleasure to the young girl chaperoned by her.All this and much more, a good chaperon does for hercharge and i t requires no little amount of amiability andunselfishness to enable her conscientiously and cheerfully toperform this role.
An inefficient chaperon is a great drawback to a younglady who enters society under her auspices, and a chaperonmay be inefficient from different reasons ; she may havethe will but not the power, or she may have the power butnot the will .The chaperon who has the will but not the power iskindhearted and well-meaning, and would if she only couldintroduce the young girl whom she chaperons to everyeligible partner and ball-giving matron in the room ; butfai ling this, and knowing scarcely anyone herself, and beingequally unknown to the many, she can do nothing for hercharge save in giving her the protection of her presence, andsitting by her side throughout the whole evening.
The chaperon who has the power but not the will hasprobably undertaken the office hardly knowing how to
P 2
2 1 2 flfauzzers and Rules of Good S ociety.
gracefully refuse it. This class of chaperon takes a younglady to a dance or other entertainmen t, but here her kindness ends, she is completely engrossed in her own amusement during the whole of the evening, oblivious and indifferent as to whether her charge is amusing herself or not,she introduces her to no one, she looks after her not at all,she merely informs her as to what hour she has ordered hercarriage.The chaperonage of a lady wi th several marriageable
daughte rs of her own , is not, as a rule, the best that can befound for a young lady, as she is generally reluctant todivert any desirable attentions from her daughters intoother channels, and therefore her efforts in favour of theyoung lady needing a chaperon
,are rather of a lukewarm
character 3 and yet it is precisely ladies who have daughtersof their own who are most often asked to take out orchaperon other people’s daughters.The chaperonage of a father, a brother, or uncle—all of
whom at times undertake the ofiice of chaperon—howeverkindly performed is seldom equal to that of a lady, thereason perhaps being that men, as a rule, object to seekingfor partners for their own daughters. A married lady, onthe contrary, has no such reticence. Then again, a fatheror brother is too often taken up with the conversationof his male acquaintances to be sufficiently mindful ofthe claims of the young lady under his care, and thus heunintentionally neglects her, and she, in consequence of thisindifferent chaperonage, is likely to pass but a very dullevening, and a dull evening is not by any means the onlyunpleasant resul t l ikely to ensue from indifferent chaperonage . Under such, a young lady too often forms what areconsidered by her guardians and relatives undesirable ao
quaintances of both sexes, and drifts into what is termed insociety
,a had set by associating with people who are pro
nounced “ bad style 5 ” and this class of int imacy is more
CHAPTER XXXII .
HOSTESSES .
THE A M or Rscmvmc Quasrs is a very subtle one,difficult to acquire but when acquired and thoroughlymastered it confers upon a mistress of a house an enviablereputation—that of being a perfect hoste ss.
With some this is in-bred, and grace and composure andall the attendant attributes which are to be found in thistype of hostess sit naturally upon them but the individualsso gifted represent the few rather than the many. A far
greater section of society has to rely upon experience toteach them this useful accomplishment, while with otherstimc alone can aid them in overcoming natural reserve, andwant of confidence in themselves, which stand in the wayof their assuming this character with anything like success .Those ladies who are innately thoughtless and careless in thisrespect,neither time nor experience can mould, and what theyare at the commencement of their career, they remain to theend of thechapter—very indifi‘
erenthostesses. There are varieties of hostesses, according to individual capabilities, and whoare known amongst their friends by these appellations firstranksthe perfect or “ charming hostess,” either title suits herequally well next to her ‘
comes the “ good hostess,
” she isfollowed by the one who is not a good hostess and the
rear is brought up by the one who is decidedly “ a bad hoste ss.”Amongst the salient poin ts which distinguish the perfect orcharming hostess are perhaps, foremost, a certain facility ofputting each individual guest at ease
,conveying that the
Hoslesses. 2 I 5
welcome she accords is a personal if not an especial one.Simultaneously with these agreeable impressions is conveyed a sense of the hostess’s genial qualities ; her charmof manner, her graciousness and her courteous bearingev incing so plainly that she is entirely mistress of thesituation these qualities insensibly react upon the guests,and evoke a corresponding desire to please on their part.The perfect hostess possesses yet another advantage, viz ,
a readiness of speech, a faculty of saying the right thing atthe right moment and to the right person, and of identifyingherse lf, so to speak, with the susceptibilities of each of herguests.The good hostess is essential ly what is known as a con
siderate hostess she makes up for the brighter qualities inwhich she is lacking by her extreme consideration for herguests. In the charming hostess this consideration iseclipsed by her more bri lliant powers of pleasing, i t permeates all she does, while in the good hostess it is herstrongest point
,and upon which is founded her claim to
the name. The lady who bears the undesirable reputationof being not a good hostess is not good in a varietyof ways ; she means well and does her utmost to succeed,but by some contrariety of the laws which regulate domesticand social affairs
,the results of her atlorts are always the
reverse, of what she would have them be . The lady who isnot a good hostess sometimes suffers from shyness and
reserve which renders her stifi in manner when she wouldmost desire to be cordial, silent when she would be mostloquacious, and awkward when she would be at ease .As there are many reasons why ladies prove to be good
hostesses, so there are many reasons why they prove badhostesses
,selfishness and want of consideration for others
contribute to these, as do procrastination and a vague ideaof the value of time. Ladies with such faults and weaknessesas these produce very much the same impression upon their
2 16 M anmrs and Rules of Good Society.
guests, although, perhaps, one is a l ittle less culpable thanis the other.The selfish hostess is a bad hostess, because, providingshe is amused, she is utterly indifferent as to whether herguests are amused or not, her own pleasure and gratification beiug of paramount importance . Instead of beingin readiness to receive her guests she descends late to thedrawing-room to welcome them, and is indifi‘
erent as towhether there is anyone to greet themor not.The procrastinating hostess, although she is equally in
fault, yet, as she hastens to excuse herself, when lacking inpolite ness to ,
or consideration for her guests, her excusesare sometimes admitted ; but the selfish hostess, if shedeigns to excuse herself, does so with such a palpable show of
indifference as to her guests’opinion of her actions, that theexcuse is oftener than not an aggravation of the offence . Alady who has no regard for time goes to her room to dressat the moment when she should be descending to thedrawing-room ; or she remains out driving when she shouldbe returning or she puts ofi'making some very importantarrangement for the comfort or amusement of her guestsuntil i t is too late for anything but a makeshift to bethought of, if i t has not to be dispensed with altogether.Everything that she does or projects is on the same scale ofprocrastination ; her inv itations, her orders and engagements
,are one and all effecte d against time, and neitherher
self nor her guests gain the value or satisfaction of the hospitality put forth . The bad hostess walks into her drawingroom when many of her guests are assembled, either for adinner-party or afternoon tea, and shakes hands in an
awkward, abashed manner, almost as if she were an unexpected guest instead of the mistress of the house .The host is not at his case he is provoked at having
to make excuses for his wife, and the guests are equallyconstrained.
2 18 Manners afia'Rules of Good S ociety.
and if the chaperons have apparently no one to talk to she
should introduce one of her own relatives if she cannotgive much of her own attention to them, and she shouldarrange that all her guests are taken in to supper.At large afternoon “ At homes ”
the hostess receivesher guests at the open door of the drawing-room, and haslittle more time to bestow upon each than at a ball or an“ At home.” At small afternoon At homes she shouldreceive them in the drawing-room, and should rise andshake hands with each arrival.A hostess should receive her dinner guests in the drawing
room, and should shake hands wi th each in the order ofarrival . She occasionally finds it a trying ordeal to sus tainconversation between the arrival of dinner guests and thedinner being served sometimes this is prolonged for threequarters of an hour through the non-appearance of a guestwho must he wai ted for. A hostess should, although sheknows that her dinner is spoilt by being thus kept back ,endeavour to make the time pass as pleasantly as poss ible,by rendering the conversation general and by making theguests acquainted with each other. The hostess who cantide over these awkward occurrences so that the postponement of dinner fromhalf to three-quarters of an hour ishardly perceived, proves herself to be entitled to be considered a good hostess.
CHAPTER XXXIII .
THE RESPONSIBIL IT IES OF LADY PATRONESSES OF PUBLIC
BALLS .
Lamas are frequently solici ted to allow their names tobe placed on the lists of lady patronesses of charity balls.A ball committee is desirous of obtaining a l ist of influentialnames to lend écla t and prestige to the ball, and a charityball often numbers amongst its lady patronesses the namesof many of the leading members of the nobility, followed bythose of the wives of the leading county gentry, or by theprincipal residents of a watering-place or county town butit is understood, as a rule, that the duty of giving vouchersor tickets for a charity ball is undertaken by those ladieswho are more directly interested in it, whose husbands areon the committee, who make a point of annually attendingit,and thus are principally concerned in keeping it select
and although in many counties and in many towns ladypatronesses, members of the nobility, do attend, yet it notunfrequently happens that out of a long list of great ladiesonly three or four are present at a ball.The members of the leading nobility and gentry of a
neighbourhood invariably lend their names to local charityballs, and head the list of patrons and patronesses, butbeyond lending their names, and in some cases sending asubscription of money towards the funds of the charity
, or
a present of game towards the supper, t hey have very li ttleto do with the ball itse lf, which is practically in the hands
2 20 Manners and Rules of Good S of ie/y .
of the local stewards . The exceptions to this rule are thecharity balls held in town during the season , such as theRoyal C aledonian Ball, the Yorkshire, the Wiltshire, andthe Somersetshire Societies’ Balls. On these occasionsmany of the great ladies give vouchers and attend theballs.When ladies consent to become lady patronesses of a ball,they usually notify to the committee whether they will orwill not undertake the duty of giving vouchers or tickets
,
as the case may be. Some ball committees arrange thatvouchers are to be given by lady patronesses, to be subsequently exchanged for tickets, signed and filled in with thename of the person to whom the ticket is given. The ladypatronesses in this case receive the money charged for thetickets
,and forward it to the committee after the ball
,with
any tickets that they may not have disposed of.The ladies who exert themselves to sell tickets are generally those who possess a large acquaintance, whose husbandsare members of clubs ; therefore, if any person ought to hetabooed for some good social reason, the lady patronessesreap the benefit of their husbands’ knowledge, and are thusable to give a polite refusal when tickets are applied for forpersons who are not altogether desirable.It is no doubt a difficul t and delicate task for the lady
patronesses of a large ball to keep it thoroughly select, and
if not very particular respecting those for whom tickets aregranted, a ball , though a full one, is likely to prove a verymixed affair, if not somewhat objectionable, by reason of
the presence of persons to whom tickets should never havebeen granted, on moral if not on social grounds and
though the funds of a charity may gain considerably by theincrease of numbers, through a general willingness on thepart of the committee or the lady patronesses to gran ttickets to everyone who may apply for them, yet suchpolicy is very short-sighted, and is seldom practised by
CHAPTER XXXIV.
PERIODS OF MOURNING .
Tun Vsmous Psnrons or Mom ma for relatives havewithin the last few years been materially shortened, andthe change general ly accepted ; but as many prefer toadhere to the longest periods prescribed by custom, in thepresent chapter both periods are given, and it entirelydepends upon individual feeling and circumstances whichof the two periods is observed .
The time-honoured custom of wearing crape is graduallywaning, and with the exception of widows, many decline towear it at all. This innovation is making way slowly butsurely in society.
A slighte r change has also taken place as regards halfmonming, which is now seldom worn , black being wornduring what was formerly the half-mourning period.
COURT Mounumu when enjoined is imperative, theorders respecting which are minutely given from the LordChamberlain’s office and published in the official Gaze ttebut these orders only apply to persons connecte d with theCourt
,or to persons attending drawing-rooms
,levees,
courts, state-balls, state -concerts, etc.
When the order for general mourning is given on thedeath of any member of the Royal Fami ly, the order appliesto all, although it is optional whether the general publiccomply with it or not.
P en'
oa’s of Mourning. 2 2 3
Tue Rseumrrozv Psmon roe a Wmow’
s Mom mais two years of this period crape should be worn for oneyear and nine months, for the first twelve months the dressshould be entirely covered with crape, for the remainingnine months it should be trimmed with crape, heavily sothe first six months, and considerably less the remainingthree ; during the last three months black without crepeshould be worn . After the two years two months halfmourning is prescribed, but many people prefer tocontinue wearing black without crape in lieu of halfmourning.
The widow’s cap should be worn for a year and a day.
Lawn cuffs and collars should be worn during the crapeperiod.Aflser a year and nine months jet trimming may be worn.
Wmownes should wear mourning for the same period,but they usually enter society much sooner than widows.FOR A PARENT the period of mourning is twelve months,
six months black with crape, four months black withoutcrepe, two months half-mourning.
Linen collars and cuffs should not be worn during thecrape period
,but crape lisse only. Neither should jewellery
be worn during the crape period, nor unti l the first twomonths of black have expired.
FOR A SON on DAUGHTER the period of mourning isidentical with the foregoing.
T e e Mocusmo roe INFANT S or very young children isfrequently shortened to half this period, and is occasionallyonly worn for three months ; and in th is case crape isoftener than not discarded.
FOR A STEP-MOTHER .—The period of mourning depends
upon whether the stepd aughters reside at home or not, or
2 24 Manners and Rules of Good S ociety.
whether their father has been long married, or whethertheir father’s second wife has filled the place of mother tothem, in which case the period of mourning would be fortwelve months, otherwise the period is six months.FOR A BROTHER on SISTER the longest period ofmourning
is six months, the shortest period four months.During the longest period, viz ., six months, crape should
be worn for three months, black without crape for twomonths, half-mourning for one month .
During the shortest period, via , four months, crapeshould be worn for two months, and black without crapefor two months.For a sister-in-law or a brother-ia-law the period of
mourning is the same as for a brother or sister,and the
foregoing are the regulation periods to be observed. Cir
cumstances and inclination regulate the choice between thetwo periods.
FOR A GRANDPARENT the longest period of mourning isnine months
,the shortest period is six months.
During the longest period crape should be worn for threemonths
,black without crape for three months, and half
mourning three months.During the shortest period crape should be worn for three
months, and black without crape three months .
Foe AN UNCLE OB. Am , the longest period of mourningis three months, the shortest period six weeks.During the longest period, black without crape should be
worn for two months, half mourning one month .
During the shortest period black without crape for sixweeks.
FOR A Nsrmtw on NIECE, the periods of mourning areidentical with the foregoing.
2 26 Manners and R ules of Good S ociety.
vary from one week to three weeks, according to the dome
of intimacy existing.
Much lati tude isallowed to gentlemen with regard to theforegoing periods of mourning .
A hat-band should be worn during the whole of eachperiod
,but it is not imperative to wear suits of black longer
than half the periods given, save in the case of widowers.It was formerly the fashion to wear black when calling
at a house where the family was in deep mourning, but thepractice is now almost obsolete.It is customary to give servants mourning for a maste r
or mistress, which should be worn during the period themembers of the family are inmourning.Mourning given to servants on the death of a son or
daughter is quite an optional matter.
SEOLUBION FROM Scarlet t —The question as to how soonpersons in mourning should or should not re-enter societyis in some measure an open one, and is also influenced bythe rules that govern the actual period ofmom'
ning adopted.
A widow is not expected to enter into society under twelvemonths
,and during that time she should neither accept
invitations nor issue them. Her visiting should be confinedto her relations and intimate friends. After twelve monthsshe should commence gradually to enter into society
, but
M 15 and dances should be avoided during the period thatcrape 1s worn .
For a daughter mourning for a parent the period of
seclusion is two months as far as general society is concerned but invitations to balls and dances should not be
For a son or daughte r the period of wclusion of a parentis the same as is that of a daughter for a parent.
month to six weeks.
P enoziv of M ourm’
ng . 2 2 7
For grand-parents the period of seclusion is from threeweeks to a month.For an uncle or aunt, the period is a fortnight to three
weeks.For all other periods of mourning, seclusion from society
is not considered requisite.When persons in mourning intend ente ring again intosociety they should leave cards on their friends andacquaintances as an intimation that they are equal topaying and receiving cells.When cards of enquiry have been left, viz visiting
cards with To enquire after Mrs. A written on
the top or right-hand corner of the cards, they shouldbe returned by cards with Thanks for kind enquiries.written upon them . (See chapter on Leaving Cards”
)Unti l this intimation has been given, society does not
venture to intrude upon the seclusion of those in mourning.
Relations and intimate friends are exempt from thisreceived rule.FUNERALs—When a death occurs in a family, as soon asthe day and hour for the funeral are fixed, a member of thefamily should write to those relatives and friends it isdesired should follow
,and should ask them to attend.
It is a mistake to suppose that friends will offer to attenda funeral even if they are aware of the date fixed
,as they
are naturally in doubt as to whether the mourners are toinclude the members of the family only, or whether friendsare to be included also .
In the country, when a doctor has attended a family forsome years it is usual to invite himto attend the funeral ofone of its members.In town this is seldom done, unless a medical man is theintimate friend of the family.In the country the olergyman of the parish reads the
Q 2
2 28 Manners and Rules of Good S ociety.
funeral service, but in town, when the funeral takes placeat Kensal Green or Brompton Cemetery,&c. , a friend of thefamily is usually asked to ofiiciate ; in which case it isnecessary to make an early application at the office of thecemete ry for the use of the chapel at a particular hour.It is customary for ladies to attend the funeral of a
relative if disposed to do so, in which case they wear theirusual mourning attire , and follow in their own carriages, orin hired ones.I t is no longer the custom for gentlemen attending
funerals to wear black silk hat-bands and scarves.The doctor’s certificate as to the cause of death is of
primary importance, and should be obtained at the earliest
Memorial cards should not be sent on the death of arelative, being quite out of date as regards fashion andcustom .
Wreaths and crosses of white flowers are very generallysent by relatives and friends to a house of mourning theday of the funeral .When the funeral takes place before two o’clock
,the
friends should be invited to luncheon. When it takesplace in the afte rnoon they should be asked to return to thehouse for tea or light refreshments.Only immediate relatives and those whom a will concerns
,
should remain to hear it read.
In the country a family solicitor is usually invited toattend the funeral of a client. In town he usually arriveswhen the funeral is over, to read the w ill.
roned by one of her near relatives at all public places of
If an engaged couple move in the same set they meetfrequently at the houses of mutual friends they are sent into dinner together when dining out.To dance with each other at a ball, or dance more thanthree or four times in succession, and when not dancing tosit out in tea-rooms and conservatories, renders an engagedcouple conspicuous, and this is precisely what many mothersare most anxious that their daughters should avoid being,and would rather that they were over-prudent than thatthey should run the gauntlet of general criticism.
The usual course for engaged couples to take is to go aslittle into society as possible during their engagement
,and
to make the engagement as brief as circumstances willpermit. If from various causes it must of necessity be a longone
,the only alternative for an engaged couple is to render
themselves as little conspicuous in general society as amutual understanding will permit.When an engagement is first announced, if the famil iesare not previously acquamted, the father, mother, and re
latives of the bridegroom elect should call on the father andmother of the bride elect at an early date, to make theacquaintance of the bride and her family, and they shouldwrite to the bride elect expressing their approval of theengagemen t.The calls should be returned and the letters answered
wi th the least possible delay.
The engagement should be announced to relatives andintimate friends by the mother of the engaged young lady,and if the announcement is to appear in the papers it shouldbe sent by her.The bride should ask the siste rs and cousins of the
bridegroom to act as bridesmaids in conjunction with herown siste rs and cousins.
E ngaged. 2 3 1
When an engagement isbroken off, all lettersand presentsshould be returned on both sides.All wedding presents received by the bride elect shouldbe likewise returned to the donors.The mother of the bride should announce to all whom itmay concern, the fact that the engagement is at an end.
THE END .
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