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Making friends

Participant Notes

Introduction

Children with an ASD frequently experience difficulties in making friends. Specific characteristics

of autism, including difficulties with communication, playing meaningfully with toys and interacting

with peers, may interfere with the ability to achieve group membership and to form friendships.

What are friendships all about?

“There must be some advantages in having friends. The research evidence suggests that

children without friends may be at risk for later difficulties and delay in social and emotional

development, low self esteem and the development of anxiety and depression as an adult”

(cited in Attwood, 2007, p. 62)

Friends …

• can serve as a role model in social situations

• should be reciprocal - give and take

• are accepting of each others’ differences

• can provide a sense of belonging and security

• can explain peer behaviour

• can provide peer acceptance and acknowledgement, helping you feel part of a group

Friendship is about:

• giving and receiving positive social reinforcement

• spending time together

• sharing common interests

• sometimes being the leader in social situations

• sometimes being the follower

• feeling accepted by a peer group

• showing respect for others

• learning to cooperate

Information Session 2 P.C. Participant Guide©AAETC

Characteristics and Impact

Why is it difficult to make friends?

Children with ASDs may have…

• communication difficulties

The communication difficulties typical of children with autism result in problems reading the

communicative intent of others, comprehending the main message and also understanding

non verbal communication signals. They may prefer to observe rather than participate in

social interactions.

• a tendency to focus on objects, equipment and special interests

The play of children with autism is often characterised by a preoccupation with objects rather

than interaction with others. A lack of interest in sharing information, or joint sharing of attention,

may be apparent even in very young children.

• a wish to join in but lack the specific abilities to do so

Some children with autism retain an egocentric quality to their play, they lack the social skills

required to share and turn take with peers, particularly when highly preferred items are involved.

Social games like hide and seek, ‘tip’ and handball can seem to have very complex rules and

structures to a child with autism. They may also lack the ball skills and coordination to participate.

• difficulties with sensory sensitivities

Many children with an ASD have sensory sensitivities which impact on their ability to be involved

in social or group activities. These sensitivities impact on individuals differently and at different

times – such as social situations that are new and often unpredictable.

• a lack of interpersonal management skills

Some children may have difficulty managing conflict. Others may not be able to keep a

friendship because they may not have the organisational and planning skills needed to initiate

and maintain friendships.

Realities of a child with an ASD and friendship

Typical children see a friend in terms of companionship, affection and intimacy. Children with

autism tend not to perceive the role of a friend in the same way as typical children and may even

regard a friend as anyone who doesn’t bully them. They seem to not understand the reciprocity

of friendship and do not take the initiative in seeking friends.


Many children with autism have little understanding of friendship. Some children may know the

names of children and see them as friends. Others may name the child next to them as their

friend. Many children with autism do report having one friend who will positively influence their

social engagement, learning and development.

Attwood (1996) identifies a number of additional realities that may impact on the ability of

children with autism to make friends:

• genuinely happy to be on their own (Frank Sinatra approach – MY WAY!)

• attracted to younger kids who have less developed play skills

• attracted to toys/objects rather than people

• difficulties understanding communication of others and the hidden social rules

• possessive of favoured objects/people and experience difficulty sharing

• difficulty choosing appropriate role models

• egocentric, with unusual special interests

• poor comprehension of language and difficulties expressing themselves appropriately

• difficulties shifting attention from their interest area to interests with peers

Research on loneliness

Bauminger & Kasari (2000) suggest that children with an ASD do want friends and often

report loneliness.

‘That children with autism want to be involved in social relationships is also supported by the

finding that all of the autistic children reported having at least one friend. Even though children

reported having a best friend, this knowledge did not lessen feelings of loneliness. Loneliness was

experienced by autistic children more intensely and more frequently than it was by typical

children.’ (p. 453)

Children with an ASD tend to perceive loneliness in a different way to typically developing

children. The majority of typically developing children define and understand loneliness as being

alone (with no one to play with) and feelings of sadness. The majority of children with autism

define loneliness as the single dimension of being alone. They tend to not attribute an emotional

feeling (e.g. sadness) to their loneliness.

Whether individual children with autism desire to have friends in the traditional sense needs to be

considered. Some will be happy and content with more casual connections with others, without

seeing the value in regular associations with people.


Strategies

The skills of developing friendships are not just social skills. Friendship is the development of

connections that may occur in any environment and the child with autism needs to be carefully

coached through the early stages of friendship development.

Successful inclusion of children with an ASD in any educational setting includes opportunities to

develop and maintain friendships across environments. Many children with an ASD say they have

a friend which proves that they feel they are being successful in developing and maintaining

friendships with peers.

When planning specific strategies for making friends many children with autism need to:

• learn about what a friend is

• understand the positive attributes of friendship

• develop social understanding and knowledge about the rules of social interaction and

making friends.

It is important to take into consideration:

• that friendship development changes throughout any child’s development

• each child’s sensory needs

• individual learning style

• friendship may look different to those that occur between typically developing children

While having friends is important for many children with an ASD, having positive experiences at

school is crucial to reducing your child’s level of stress and promoting healthy emotional

development. It is important to think about the effect of sensory sensitivities and the physical,

social and emotional energy individuals may need to participate in everyday events. This may

have a different effect at different times during a child’s development and in new situations.

For some children, the playground can be a welcome stress release and an opportunity for

‘down time’ if they find the classroom exhausting. The average classroom requires a great deal

of compromise for a child with an autism spectrum disorder, given their social and

communication difficulties. Some children with autism appreciate a reduction in demands and an

opportunity to withdraw from social interaction during recess and lunch and their desire for some

solitude needs to be considered and respected.

Many schools are now providing space and supervision for ‘passive play’ areas, where students

can play quietly inside with board games or construction and some schools are promoting lunch

time clubs for special interests like chess or computer. These kinds of accommodations


encourage social interaction in a structured and safe space as opposed to the playground which

can seem noisy and unpredictable to a child with autism.

It is important to expose your child to new experiences and time with other children. Every child

has different strengths and areas of need that should be considered when planning social

interactions. Small steps are often required to achieve long term outcomes.

“When children get older, they need to be exposed to many different things to stimulate their

continued learning in different areas of life. There also needs to be expectations for proper social

behaviour. When I look back at my life, my mother made me do a number of things I did not like,

but these activities were really beneficial. They gave me opportunities to practice social skills,

converse with less familiar people, develop self esteem and learn to negotiate unanticipated

changes. None of these activities caused major problems with sensory oversensitivity. While

mother may have pushed me to do things, she understood well that a child should never be

forced into a situation that includes painful sensory stimulation.” (Grandin, 2008, p. 19)

How can you help your child to make friends?

• Practise turn taking with your child.

• Teach your child what a friend is and is not.

• Teach your child social skills. It is not enough to just teach social skills in isolation. Children

need clear explanations why, when and how a social skill is used.

• Use social scripts to help children understand social situations and explain the benefits to the

child of learning this.

• Teach explicitly the rules of different social situations.

• Teach what to do when things aren’t going his way.

• Role play with your child how to join in a game. Some children may need very structured role

play scenarios to practise the skills required for social interaction with others.

• Teach how to read social cues, join in a game or conversation. Some children need skills

broken down into smaller steps. To join in they may need to first learn to watch the other

children, then move in close, then what to do or say. Practise using the words to initiate

contact or conversation starters with your child.

• Use visual reminders such as cue cards to support initial learning and timetables for social

opportunities/activities.

• Give positive feedback and guidance in initiating, maintaining and keeping friends.


Some additional strategies suggested by Attwood (2007) include:

• an adult acting like a friend to encourage reciprocal play and to teach age appropriate or

popular activities

• including another child in play

• watching videos of children playing and in different social situations

• encouraging interactions based on shared interests

• finding like-minded friends – linking students

• buddying with valued mentors

For older students, support groups and internet based friendships might assist in making social

connections with others. However, as with other relationships, the student with AS may be more

vulnerable than other students.

Parents can also help children to develop friendships outside of school through participation in

organised sport, dance, drama or scouts. Remember that children with autism may also feel

more comfortable engaging in friendships with younger children or children of the opposite sex,

e.g. many boys prefer to interact with girls who may be nurturing and more gentle with their play.

How can you help your child with an ASD make friends at school?

Parents need to have a partnership with their school to assist their child’s social interaction.

• Work with your school to use programs based on your child’s learning characteristics eg

visual supports, reward systems.

• Work with the school to develop visual material and written scripts in sequential steps eg

social scripts and cue cards.

• Encourage school to develop programs that relate to your child’s interests eg robotics or

chess club at lunchtime.

• With the school, teach your child rules of social interaction eg when to interrupt, friends don’t

have to be exclusive.

• Role play in a safe environment (home and school) and reinforce and reward appropriate

responses and interactions.

• Ask your school to identify peers with similar interests to your child.

• Have your child ask a friend over. Plan for what activities, how long and where is best.

• Work with your school to develop and use visual supports about making and keeping friends.

• Help your child to access clubs and activities to do with his or her interests.


Helping your child by developing a plan and working with your school will assist your child to

make friends. It is important to teach your child any other skills they may require, especially when

challenges arise. Some parents find it useful to access professional support during this stage.

Adolescence and adulthood

The young person with autism may have to cope with the changes adolescence brings without

the opportunity for the peer group discussion and support enjoyed by others at this life stage.

Depression manifests itself in decreased desire for social contact and increased adherence to

routines and solitary interests.

As a parent, you know your child better than anyone else. If your child starts to appear

withdrawn, disinterested in activities they usually enjoy or begins to talk negatively about

themselves, particularly in high school it is important you talk to your child’s teacher, medical

expert or school counsellor.

It is important to discuss your child’s needs with your child and others supporting them

(teachers, school counsellors) and develop a plan to support your child to develop skills and to

have positive experiences at school.

Summary

Many children and young people with an ASD can develop and maintain friendships with their

peers. It is important, however, to consider the person with an ASD and their needs.

Some people with autism desire social interactions and friends whilst others are happy and well

adjusted without needing special friends. These children have many positive interactions with

others at school but do not see the value in associating with certain people on a regular basis.

Useful resources and references

For children

Berger, T. (1981). Friends. New York: Julian Messner.

Leedy, L. (1996). How humans make friends. New York: Holiday House.

For adolescents and adults

Matthews, A. 1990. Making friends: A guide to getting along with people. Singapore: Media Masters.

Segar, M. (1997) Coping. A survival guide for people with Asperger syndrome. Nottingham: UK.


For parents/carers

Attwood, T. (1998). Asperger’s Syndrome: A guide for parents and professionals. London:

Jessica Kingsley Press.

Attwood, T. (1996). The profile of friendship skills in Asperger syndrome. London: Jessica

Kingsley Press.

Attwood, T. (2007). Social understanding & friendships: The complete guide to Asperger's

syndrome. London: Jessica Kingsley Press.

Baker, J. (2006). The social skills picture book for high school and beyond. Arlington, TX:

Future Horizons.

Bauminger, N. & Kasari, C. (2000). Loneliness and friendship in high-functioning children with

autism. Child Development, 71, 447-456.

Goldstein, A. P. & McGinnis, E. (1997). Skillstreaming: The adolescent. Illinios:Research Press.

Gray, C. (1998). Social stories and comic strip conversations with students with Asperger

syndrome and high functioning autism. In Schlopler, et. al. (Eds). Asperger syndrome or

high-functioning autism? New York: Plenum Press.

Grandin, T. (2008). The way I see it: A personal look at autism and Asperger’s. Arlington ,TX:

Future Horizons.

Jackson, N. F., Jackson, D. A. & Monroe, C. (1983). Getting along with others: Teaching social

effectiveness to children. Illinois: Research Press.

Lawson, W. (2001). Understanding and working with the spectrum of autism. An insider’s view.

London: Jessica Kingsley Press.

Quill, K. A. (1995). Teaching children with autism: Strategies to enhance socialisation and

communication. New York: Delmar Publishers Inc.

Smith Myles, B., Trautman, M. & Schelvan, R. (2004). The hidden curriculum: Practical solutions

for understanding unstated rules in social situations. Shawnee Mission, KS: Autism Asperger

Publishing Company.

Williams, D. (1996). Autism: An inside out approach. London: Jessica Kingsley Press.


Frequently asked questions

My son has autism and has very little language. He has been in trouble at school for

interrupting the games of other children and hitting other children at lunchtime in

the playground. How is he going to make friends? (See GROWTH model attached)

Many children with ASDs desire social interactions and would like to have friends and join in games

with the other children. Some children are not sure how to join in and will need specific teaching on

the skills of joining in as well as support and guidance to facilitate successful interactions.

Possible strategies:

1. Teach him how to play the games other children play and how to take turns.

2. Talk to his teacher about possible ways of supporting him in the playground.

3. Use video recordings to teach him how to join in.

4. Role play situations with him, using a social script such as this sample:

Sometimes at lunchtime the children play games. I watch to see what game they are playing.

Sometimes they play soccer. If I want to join in the soccer game I move to the edge of the game

and ask if I can join in. If they say “no”, I watch to find another group or I can ask a teacher for help.

My 11 year old daughter has Asperger Syndrome and says she prefers to be alone

in the playground. I have tried to encourage her to invite friends home from school

but she refuses. I am really worried about her not having friends but it doesn’t

seem to worry her.

Some children with ASDs have difficulty understanding the social world and making friends.

Sometimes they have enough of trying to socialise and just want to relax in solitude. Sometimes

we need to acknowledge and accept the wishes of the person.


1. Talk to the class teacher to see what is happening at school.

2. Think of other opportunities for social experiences.

3. Ensure social experiences are voluntary.

4. Arrange experiences using her interests.

5. Keep experiences brief and structured.


My son is 15 years old and is becoming more aware of friendships between boys

and girls. He has just started part time work and has stated that one of the girls at

work likes him and is his girlfriend. However this girl doesn’t seem at all interested

in him.

Teenage years are a time of great physical, emotional and social change. Learning the social

rules around interacting with members of the opposite sex is complicated and plays a large part

in the ‘hidden curriculum’ at school during these years. Sometimes students misinterpret the

intentions of their peers and can be very vulnerable.


1. Teach him about the development of acquaintances, friendships and relationships including

social behaviours/rules.

2. Role play different conversations/topics that can be used to develop/extend friendships.

3. Identify a mentor/peer at school or within the family to help support the learning of the

‘hidden curriculum’.

4. Explore different interest areas and activities for socialising outside school such as sport,

bowling, cinema or outdoor groups.

My son is 8 years old and likes to have a friend from school over to play. I am

concerned because when his friend comes over, all of the time is spent in front of

the play station with very little communication or turn taking. However both boys

enjoy spending this time together.

While this may seem to be very basic interaction, we should acknowledge that both boys are

engaged in the same activity and this can be the basis of a developing friendship. Time spent

with another child playing computer games or play station should also be recognised as a

preferred option for many neuro-typical children. Playing with a favourite toy or activity can be

calming and reduce anxiety. Sometimes we need to plan ahead and set up situations to help

children play with their friends.

Possible Strategies:

1. Encourage both boys to explore other options outside of the PlayStation. Perhaps occasionally

instead of coming over one parent could take them bowling or to a local pool.

2. Set out some other toys or activities that you know both boys enjoy.

3. Involve your son in a ‘plan’ or timetable for the next visit. This may include afternoon tea first

then computer games. The afternoon tea could involve more social interaction opportunities

such as preparing part of it themselves. Additional activities could be added over time e.g.

trampoline or transformers then computer.



Communication

Social Interactions

Rigid/repetitive

behaviour

Sensory

Learning style

Characteristics

Very verbal, may not

understand what is being

said in busy classroom,

has difficulty with

conversations. Often

asks questions

repetitively. Cannot read

body language in

others very well.

Has difficulty

understanding actions

of peers often feels he

is being teased or that

actions are deliberate

e.g. if someone

brushes against him.

Does not have skills to

ask another student what

homework was set.

Won’t participate in

any class

perform

ances, i.e. at

assembly, school

concert.

Likes to smell

people’s hair

(shampoo etc).

Not able to discern what

teacher is saying within

noise etc of classroom.

Highly visual learning

style. Loves books and

reading, learns best from

what he reads. Resistant

to writing, will only

produce minimum

requirements.

Impact

May not take relevant

books to class. Doesn’t

know what to do – may

get into trouble. Often

behaves

inappropriately e.g.

giggles when teacher

is annoyed. Peers

sometimes annoyed

by questions.

Can feel sad or angry

at school when

incidents occur. May

be a target for

bullying. Can’t check

with others like peers can.

Misses experience,

opportunity for

inclusion lost.

Was cute when younger

but now looks

inappropriate. Makes

him a possible bullying

target.Misses critical

messages.

Generally happy in class,

occasionally ‘acts up’ to

get out of writing tasks

Strategies

Visual instructions.

Teacher/aide to check

comprehension.

Explicitly point out and

explain body language

in others, TV etc.

Teach correct

responses to others’

emotions.

Debrief following

incidents with visual

drawings (comic

strips) to help him

learn difference

between aggression

and unintended

jostling in corridor.Set

up a ‘safe place’ with

favoured books to be

used as a retreat if

needed. Identify

safe/unsafe areas of

school for him on a map.

Prepare for next

perform

ance with a

social story, reward,

and modified

participation

Immediate redirection

when this is observed.

Try to teach what is

OK to smell and what

is not using a visual

chart.Model

opportunities of ‘good’

smelling. Provide a

handkerchief with strong

smell on it he can sniff.

Teacher to stand near

student when homework

is being given out.

Modify writing tasks to

acknowledge difficulties,

but also use reward and

maintain expectation of

an agreed amount

Allocate time for typing

tutorial in class.

Matrix for a Primary Student with HFA or AS (No Intellectual Disability)


Communication

Social Interactions

Rigid/repetitive

behaviour

Sensory

Learning style

Characteristics

A ‘quiet’ student’.

Often has problems

understanding verbal

instructions for

assignments.

Is often alone, but has

found 1 ‘friend’ with

the same interest in

transform

ers.

Refuses to go over

completed work. Doesn’t

check for mistakes. Says

– “I’ve done it already”.

Hates weekly

assembly where 600

students present.

Relative strength in maths

and science. Difficulty with

English novels. Strong

dislike of group work

and discussion, prefers

to work alone.

Impact

Can be ignored by

other students.Often

fails to complete

homework or does it

incorrectly.

Often seen alone in

the yard, sometimes

comments that he

wishes he had friends.

Likely to im

pact on results

as student moves into

higher levels.

Appears anxious, often

for rest of morning. A

weekly dread!Peers

see as ‘weird’.

Struggling in English and

subjects involving lots of

reading. Becomes

anxious when asked

to choose a group.

Strategies

Where possible give

written homework

instructions. Teachers to

provide visual timeline for

longer assignments and

check in on progress. All

subject teachers to be

inform

ed of necessary

adjustments by co-

ordinator.

Investigate the option

of starting a

‘transform

er club’ one

lunch time a week.

Find other students

with similar interests.

Advertise through

school newsletter.

Teacher to model and set

‘rules’ for going over

work. A re-reading step

to be included in written

instructions. Parents to

reinforce at home.

Discuss with student what

would help, seat near

door? Discreet ear plugs?

Providing a running

sheet, or schedule so

student knows what

to expect?

Debrief with

student to monitor effect.

Limit group work

expected and when

necessary, teacher to

choose the groups

Provide with visual

supports to help in

understanding book plots.

Modify questions to be

concrete not abstract.

Matrix for a Secondary Student with HFA or AS (No Intellectual Disability)

GROWTH MODEL

My son has autism and has very little language. He has been in trouble at school

for interrupting the games of other children and hitting other children at lunchtime

in the playground. How is he going to make friends?

G Child to be able to play games with other children in playground.

RChild is unable to join in games with others appropriately. He is

expressing frustration by hitting other children. He is getting into

trouble. He does not know how to make friends.

OBoth parents to have a meeting with teachers/support teacher

involved and/or meeting with principal. Child could be supervised in

playground at all times. Introduce a buddy system with other

students. Teach child how to play the popular playground games.

Role play asking to join a game.

W Meeting with teacher/principal re playground issues. Work together

with school to teach basic skills for playing games in playground.

TCommunication between home and school re current playground

games. 1:1 instruction to teach game to student. Support in

playground to assist child join a game. Role play practice at home

for asking to play. School to prepare a social story.

HRefer back to social story when student needs re-prompting. On-

going communication between home and school. Monitor new

games that arise in the playground.


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