livingston & associates conflict to cooperation: it’s easier than you think expo seminar may...
TRANSCRIPT
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Conflict to Cooperation:Conflict to Cooperation:It’s Easier Than You ThinkIt’s Easier Than You Think
Expo SeminarExpo Seminar
May 2, 2006Welcome!
© Copyright 2006. All rights reserved. Debra A. Livingston & Rebecca A. Clark
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Your FacilitatorsYour Facilitators
Deb LivingstonDeb LivingstonPresident, Livingston & AssociatesPresident, Livingston & Associates
Becki ClarkBecki ClarkPresident, Excelegy Consulting GroupPresident, Excelegy Consulting Group
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How Do You Define Conflict?How Do You Define Conflict?
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Conflict is . . . Conflict is . . .
Process beginning when one party Process beginning when one party perceives that something he or she perceives that something he or she
holds important is negatively affected holds important is negatively affected by someone elseby someone else
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What Is That Process?What Is That Process?
• Built for fight or flight, not stay and copeBuilt for fight or flight, not stay and cope• Conflict causes a reaction – frequently a Conflict causes a reaction – frequently a
physiological reactionphysiological reaction• Conflict is episodicConflict is episodic
• If not solved in an episodeIf not solved in an episode• Next episode escalates physiological reactionsNext episode escalates physiological reactions
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Two Key TypesTwo Key Types
• Structural ConflictStructural Conflict• Comes from how organization is set up & Comes from how organization is set up &
operatedoperated• Interpersonal ConflictInterpersonal Conflict
• Differences in personalities & valuesDifferences in personalities & values• Usually easy to think of interpersonal Usually easy to think of interpersonal
examplesexamples• Think of some possible structural examplesThink of some possible structural examples
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3 Root Causes of Structural Conflict3 Root Causes of Structural Conflict
• Distribution of scarce resourcesDistribution of scarce resources• Examples: From copying paper & printers to who gets Examples: From copying paper & printers to who gets
the people and salary dollarsthe people and salary dollars• Uncertainty about who is responsible/who is to Uncertainty about who is responsible/who is to
“take lead” jurisdictionally“take lead” jurisdictionally• Examples: local police dept or FBIExamples: local police dept or FBI
• Bucking heads/thinking unilaterally in an Bucking heads/thinking unilaterally in an interdependent situationinterdependent situation• Examples: we don’t have staff to cover both your Examples: we don’t have staff to cover both your
preventive and repair maintenance needs; we will work preventive and repair maintenance needs; we will work on things that are breaking down firston things that are breaking down first
Adapted from How to Manage Conflict in the Organization by Gregg Lee Carter & Joseph F. Byrnes
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3 More Root Causes3 More Root Causes
• Reward systems that “interfere” with effectivenessReward systems that “interfere” with effectiveness• EXAMPLE: Continental airline pilots incentive to save EXAMPLE: Continental airline pilots incentive to save
gas caused delays and “hot” customersgas caused delays and “hot” customers
• Differentiation/Norm differencesDifferentiation/Norm differences• EXAMPLE: Engineering quality norm; production EXAMPLE: Engineering quality norm; production
“get it out the door” norm“get it out the door” norm
• Power & Equity DifferencesPower & Equity Differences• EXAMPLE: rewarding relatively for contributionsEXAMPLE: rewarding relatively for contributions
Adapted from How to Manage Conflict in the Organization by Gregg Lee Carter & Joseph F. Byrnes
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And the Problem Is . . . And the Problem Is . . .
Normal human thought process Normal human thought process to think IT is always to think IT is always “personality” driven“personality” driven
CALLED FUNDAMENTAL ATTRIBUTION ERROR
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Find Your Conflict Resolution Style!Find Your Conflict Resolution Style!
We each have a resolution We each have a resolution “comfort zone”“comfort zone”
Answer 30 questionsAnswer 30 questionsSelf score on Page 2Self score on Page 2
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Assertiveness & CooperationAssertiveness & Cooperation
Column 4Left to right
1 2
34 5
COMPETE
AVOID
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CompetingCompeting
• Meeting “my” interests first; Meeting “my” interests first; low on cooperationlow on cooperation
• Win-lose approachWin-lose approach• Using whatever power appropriate “to win”Using whatever power appropriate “to win”• Arguing, pulling rank, refusing to cooperateArguing, pulling rank, refusing to cooperate• Might mean standing up for your rights, Might mean standing up for your rights,
defending your position, polarization or just defending your position, polarization or just trying to “win” (rather than “best can be”)trying to “win” (rather than “best can be”)
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Competing Possible UsesCompeting Possible Uses
• Quick, decisive action neededQuick, decisive action needed• Unpopular courses of action must be takenUnpopular courses of action must be taken• You know you are rightYou know you are right• You are under attackYou are under attack• When consensus failsWhen consensus fails• When people are too considerateWhen people are too considerate• ALWAYS consider long-term ALWAYS consider long-term
consequences of using this styleconsequences of using this style
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AccommodatingAccommodating
• Opposite of competing; lose-winOpposite of competing; lose-win• Sacrificing my needs to satisfy your needs; Sacrificing my needs to satisfy your needs;
strong on relationship buildingstrong on relationship building• Could be selfless generosity; obeying Could be selfless generosity; obeying
another without question; simply giving another without question; simply giving wayway
• Key to accommodating is to let the matter Key to accommodating is to let the matter go if you “decide to accommodate”go if you “decide to accommodate”
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Accommodating UsesAccommodating Uses
• You are persuadedYou are persuaded• Others know more and there is little timeOthers know more and there is little time• Overruled by your boss or other Overruled by your boss or other
hierarchical representativehierarchical representative• Outvoted (could be consensus rule) by your Outvoted (could be consensus rule) by your
groupgroup• Outmatched and losingOutmatched and losing
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AvoidingAvoiding
• Not considering your needs or other party’s Not considering your needs or other party’s needsneeds
• Lose-lose position; usually fear or lack of Lose-lose position; usually fear or lack of skill set driven when not tactical useskill set driven when not tactical use
• Sacrificing concerns to satisfy concerns of Sacrificing concerns to satisfy concerns of anotheranother
• Obeying without question or giving in to Obeying without question or giving in to someone else’s point of viewsomeone else’s point of view
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Avoiding UsesAvoiding Uses
• Issue is trivial or other more pressing concernsIssue is trivial or other more pressing concerns• No chance satisfying your concernsNo chance satisfying your concerns• Costs outweigh benefitsCosts outweigh benefits• To buy time to cool downTo buy time to cool down• Gathering information is more important than Gathering information is more important than
making immediate decisionmaking immediate decision• Others can resolve conflict more effectivelyOthers can resolve conflict more effectively• Issue is symptomatic of more overarching problemIssue is symptomatic of more overarching problem
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CollaboratingCollaborating
• Win-win approachWin-win approach• High on getting both my and our needs metHigh on getting both my and our needs met• Reaching out to other party to find solution that Reaching out to other party to find solution that
will satisfy bothwill satisfy both• Delving deeply into issue to surface underlying Delving deeply into issue to surface underlying
concerns to identify alternativesconcerns to identify alternatives• Could explore disagreements to learn each other’s Could explore disagreements to learn each other’s
insightsinsights• Resolving condition creating competition for Resolving condition creating competition for
resourcesresources• Finding creative solutions to interpersonal Finding creative solutions to interpersonal
problemsproblems
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Collaboration UsesCollaboration Uses
• 2121stst century world is “collaboration driven” century world is “collaboration driven”• Concerns of both parties too important to be Concerns of both parties too important to be
compromisedcompromised• You want/need to learnYou want/need to learn• Need commitment to the decisionNeed commitment to the decision• Merge multiple insights/perspectivesMerge multiple insights/perspectives• Work through hard feelings that are Work through hard feelings that are
affecting relationshipaffecting relationship
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CompromisingCompromising
• Middle of the road; give-give; traditional Middle of the road; give-give; traditional negotiating approachnegotiating approach
• Giving up something to get something; Giving up something to get something; tit-for-tattit-for-tat
• Addresses more directly than avoidingAddresses more directly than avoiding• Doesn’t go as deeply as collaboratingDoesn’t go as deeply as collaborating• Splitting difference; making equal Splitting difference; making equal
concessionsconcessions
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Compromising UsesCompromising Uses
• Quick, middle ground decisionsQuick, middle ground decisions• When equal power facing win-lose issueWhen equal power facing win-lose issue• Need temporary solution to complex issueNeed temporary solution to complex issue• More assertive modes would harm More assertive modes would harm
relationshiprelationship• Arriving at expeditious solution when time Arriving at expeditious solution when time
a factora factor• As back-up when collaboration/competition As back-up when collaboration/competition
failsfails
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Before the 25 TipsBefore the 25 TipsRemember:Remember:
• Ask first, “Does this situation have any Ask first, “Does this situation have any structural conflict attributes?”structural conflict attributes?”
• Remember – structural conflicts are Remember – structural conflicts are organizational head-butting areas, not organizational head-butting areas, not personality conflictspersonality conflicts
• So, work to compensate So, work to compensate for/eliminate/change structural conflictfor/eliminate/change structural conflict
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Burning QuestionsBurning Questions
About one minute per tipAbout one minute per tip
Including up to one burning questionIncluding up to one burning question
Time at end for Q & ATime at end for Q & A
Feel free to talk with us laterFeel free to talk with us later
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Tip 1: The Competition GotchaTip 1: The Competition Gotcha
Use competing sparinglyUse competing sparingly
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Tip 2: Humor HelpsTip 2: Humor Helps
Use Avoiding (withdrawal) tactfullyUse Avoiding (withdrawal) tactfully
Not silentlyNot silently
Use humor to diffuse tensionUse humor to diffuse tension
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Tip 3: “Avoid” AppeasementTip 3: “Avoid” Appeasement
Don’t fall into a pattern of Don’t fall into a pattern of appeasementappeasement
Communicate that are doing so for Communicate that are doing so for sake of the relationshipsake of the relationship
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Tip 4: Build in “Fairness”Tip 4: Build in “Fairness”
Use compromise wellUse compromise wellStart the process by identifying Start the process by identifying
“fairness criteria”“fairness criteria”How we will come to agreementHow we will come to agreement
• Marketing value• Precedent• Scientific judgment• Professional standards• Efficiency• Costs
• What a court would decide• Moral/ethical standards• Equal treatment• Tradition• Reciprocity• Expert opinions
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Tip 5: Build Your Collaborative SkillTip 5: Build Your Collaborative Skill
Collaborate on important thingsCollaborate on important things
Uses skills of listening, asking Uses skills of listening, asking questions, & getting to agreementquestions, & getting to agreement
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Tip 6: Think Consciously About “Trust”Tip 6: Think Consciously About “Trust”
Build trust in the organizationBuild trust in the organizationCommunicate wellCommunicate well
Know What Makes People Trust Us:Know What Makes People Trust Us:
• Competence • Compatibility • Benevolence • Integrity • Predictability
• Security • Inclusion • Open with Information • Accessibility• Reciprocity
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Tip 7: Be the Best Listener in the WorldTip 7: Be the Best Listener in the World
Listen well – listen empathicallyListen well – listen empathicallyFor the message behind wordsFor the message behind words
Good listeners:Good listeners:Make eye contactMake eye contact
Ask questionsAsk questionsCommunicate understandingCommunicate understanding
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Tip 8: Ask good questionsTip 8: Ask good questions
Some “Smart Questions” from Dorothy Leeds:Some “Smart Questions” from Dorothy Leeds:““What can we do to help each other?What can we do to help each other?What has to be accomplished here?What has to be accomplished here?
Would you explain that further?Would you explain that further?What do you think/feel about that?What do you think/feel about that?
What are some reasons this didn’t work as well as we What are some reasons this didn’t work as well as we hoped?hoped?
What can we change to do better?What can we change to do better?What results are we looking for?What results are we looking for?What is your reason for asking?What is your reason for asking?
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Tip 9: Avoid Tip 9: Avoid Loaded QuestionsLoaded Questions
Implies/Directs answerImplies/Directs answer
““Why would we do something this Why would we do something this stupid?”stupid?”
““How can we solve this problem to How can we solve this problem to . . . “ . . . “
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Tip 10: Think of of Dialoguing Tip 10: Think of of Dialoguing Over DebateOver Debate
Debate = Arguing Your PositionDebate = Arguing Your PositionDialoguing = Dialoguing =
Stating your position in wants & needsStating your position in wants & needsSurfacing your assumptionsSurfacing your assumptions
Communicating your interests over Communicating your interests over your positionsyour positions
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Tip 11: The “Personality” AntidoteTip 11: The “Personality” Antidote
Before thinking “it” is personality,Before thinking “it” is personality,
Ask, “What data can we gather to give Ask, “What data can we gather to give us more information to settle this?”us more information to settle this?”
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Tip 12: Be CredibleTip 12: Be Credible
Do your homeworkDo your homework
Act win-winAct win-win
Think of “people”Think of “people”
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Tip 13: Blamers Lose-Lose BigTip 13: Blamers Lose-Lose Big
Blaming escalates situationsBlaming escalates situations
Polarizes peoplePolarizes people
Initiates competitive Initiates competitive behavior unnecessarilybehavior unnecessarily
Think about problems/situations Think about problems/situations rather than peoplerather than people
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Tip 14: Passive Aggressive Behavior Tip 14: Passive Aggressive Behavior Drives Dysfunction Drives Dysfunction
Don’t agree or concede publicly Don’t agree or concede publicly then use “back room” behavior of then use “back room” behavior of
tearing downtearing down
““Venting” and P/A are not sameVenting” and P/A are not same
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Tip 15: Call a BreakTip 15: Call a Break
Calming actions:Calming actions:
Coffee, phone or restroom breaksCoffee, phone or restroom breaks
Let’s move our locationLet’s move our location
Take a walk with meTake a walk with me
Adjourn/come back laterAdjourn/come back later
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Tip 16: Use “I” StatementsTip 16: Use “I” Statements
Not - “You are looking at this all wrong.”Not - “You are looking at this all wrong.”
Yes – “I think we need to examine how Yes – “I think we need to examine how we are looking at this. Let me ask what we are looking at this. Let me ask what
your interests are here, what you need in your interests are here, what you need in the solution.”the solution.”
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Tip 17: Show that You “Get It”Tip 17: Show that You “Get It”
Restate what you have heard to show you Restate what you have heard to show you “hear” what is being said“hear” what is being said
Make sure you include empathic componentMake sure you include empathic component
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Tip 18: “Save Face”Tip 18: “Save Face”
Use verbal/written techniques that Use verbal/written techniques that preserve relationshipspreserve relationships
Try to avoid people’s buttonsTry to avoid people’s buttons““This is what I hear us saying . . . “This is what I hear us saying . . . “
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Tip 19: Moccasins’ TechniqueTip 19: Moccasins’ Technique
How would I approach this if I How would I approach this if I “walked in the other person’s “walked in the other person’s
shoes for a week” shoes for a week”
the path to compassionate the path to compassionate thinkingthinking
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Tip 20: Use Space WellTip 20: Use Space Well
Choose interaction space carefullyChoose interaction space carefully
Stay away from public displays Stay away from public displays that should be privatethat should be private
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Tip 21: Positive ImageryTip 21: Positive Imagery
Picture other person’s positive Picture other person’s positive concernsconcerns
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Tip 22: Plan AheadTip 22: Plan Ahead
Everyone is WIIFMEveryone is WIIFM
What’s in it for MeWhat’s in it for Me
Plan and do your homework – Plan and do your homework –
Speak to them using their bottom Speak to them using their bottom line, not yoursline, not yours
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Tip 23: Don’t “Yes But”Tip 23: Don’t “Yes But”
Say “And/yet” rather than “but”Say “And/yet” rather than “but”
Work to not hit people’s filtersWork to not hit people’s filters
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Tip 24: Give Benefit of DoubtTip 24: Give Benefit of Doubt
Work to collaborate whenever Work to collaborate whenever possiblepossible
Give other party benefit of doubt – Give other party benefit of doubt – work from that position rather than work from that position rather than
one of disagreementone of disagreement
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Tip 25: Concede GracefullyTip 25: Concede Gracefully
Take the high roadTake the high road
Never use passive/aggressive Never use passive/aggressive behaviorbehavior
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And the Number 1 IsAnd the Number 1 Is
Your Bonus TipYour Bonus Tip
Coming Up NextComing Up Next
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Make Wise AgreementsMake Wise Agreements
Separate People from Issues
Focus on interests, not positions
Invent options for mutual gain
Use objective standards of fairness
Strive for collaborative alternatives
Do your homework
Show willingness to communicate
WISE Agreements Are:
1) Each side walks away with legitimate concerns met
2) Relationship betweenparties is improved
3) Organizational intereststaken into account
11:05Adapted from How to Manage Conflict in the Organization by Gregg Lee Carter & Joseph F. Byrnes
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Session Wrap-UpSession Wrap-Up
Questions & AnswersQuestions & Answers
Workshop EvaluationsWorkshop Evaluations
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Who We AreWho We Are
What We DoWhat We Do