Lecture 8. EFT for Couples Stage 2: Steps 5-7 deepening engagement and emotional engagement: enacts and bonding

Couple Counselling SkillsKevin Standish

Learning Objectives

Describe theory of Stage 2 Identify the 3 Steps involved Identify the skills used in each step Understand how to deepen

engagement and improve emotional engagement: enacts and bonding

The 10 Central Tenants of EFT (Johnson 2003)1. Attachment is an innate motivating force2. Secure dependency complements autonomy3. Attachment offers a safe haven4. Attachment offers a secure base5. Accessibility and Responsiveness builds bonds6. Fear and uncertainty activate attachment needs7. The process of separation distress is predictable8. Finite number of insecure forms of engagement can be

identified.9. Attachment involves working models of self and others10.Isolation and loss are inherently traumatizing

3

1. Attachment is an innate motivating force

Seeking and maintaining contact with significant others is innate.

This occurs throughout the life span.

2. Secure dependency complements autonomy

No such thing as complete independence or overdependency

There is only effective and ineffective dependence

Secure dependence fosters autonomy and self-confidence

The more secure attached we are the more separate and different we can be.

Health means maintaining a felt sense of interdependency, rather than being self-sufficient and separate from others.

3. Attachment offers a safe haven

– The presence of attachment figures provides comfort and security while perceived inaccessibility creates distress.

– Proximity is the natural antidote to feelings of anxiety and vulnerability

– Positive attachments offers a safe haven that offer a buffer against effects of stress and uncertainty.

4. Attachment offers a secure base

– Gives base from which individuals can explore their world and most adaptively respond to their environment.

– Secure base encourages exploration and a cognitive openness to new information.

– When we have this felt security, we are better able to reach out and offer support for others.

5. Accessibility and Responsiveness builds bonds

Building blocks for secure attachment are emotional accessibility and responsiveness

One can be physically present but emotionally absent

Emotional engagement and the trust that this engagement will be there when needed is most crucial.

Any response, even anger, is better than none.

Emotion is the key. If there is no engagement, no emotional

responsiveness, then the message is “your signals do not matter to me and there is no connection between us.”

6. Fear and uncertainty activate attachment needs

– When an individual is threatened attachment needs for comfort and connection become salient and compelling, and attachment behaviors are activated.

– Attachment to key others is our primary protection against feelings of helplessness and meaningless.

7. The process of separation distress is predictable

› If attachment behaviors fail to evoke comforting responsiveness and contact from attachment figures, a predictable process of protest, clinging, depression and despair, ending eventually in detachment.

› Depression is a natural response to loss of connection

› Anger can be seen as an attempt to make contact with an inaccessible attachment figure.

8. Finite number of insecure forms of engagement can be identified

– There are a number of ways that we have to deal with the unresponsiveness of attachment figures.

– Only so many ways of coping from a negative response to the question “Can I depend on you when I need you?”

– Adult attachment styles:

9. Attachment involves working models of self and others

– Attachment strategies reflect ways of processing and dealing with emotion

– These models of self and others come from thousands of interactions, and become expectations and biases that are carried forward into new relationships.

10. Isolation and loss are inherently traumatizing

– Attachment theory describes and explores the trauma of deprivation, loss, rejection, and abandonment by those we need the most and the enormous impact it has on us.

– These events have a major impact on personality formation and on a person’s ability to deal with other stresses in life.

What creates close connections?

No Connection Lack of emotion

Unresponsive

Emotionally unavailable

Connection Emotion is key

Are responsive to one another

Are emotionally available to one another

Accessibility & Responsiveness

Building blocks of a secure bond. Partner can be physically present but

emotionally absent. Emotional engagement and the trust that

this engagement will be there when needed is crucial.

When there is no engagement, no emotional responsiveness, the message reads “you don’t matter to me.”

Accessibility & Responsiveness

Emotion is central to individuals being accessible and ‘emotionally’ responsive to one another Any response, even anger, is better than

none. It is in our closest relationships where

our strongest emotions arise and where they seem to have most impact

Accessibility & Responsiveness Emotion tells us and communicates to others what our

motivations and needs are They can be seen as the ‘music’ to the relationship

dance

Accessibility: Can I reach you?

This means staying open to your partner even when you have doubts and feel insecure.

It often means being willing to struggle to make sense of your emotions so these emotions are not so overwhelming

You can then step back from disconnection and can tune in to your lover’s attachment cues.

Responsiveness: Can I rely on you to respond to me emotionally?

This means tuning into your partner and showing that his or her emotions have an impact on you.

It means accepting and placing a priority on the emotional signals your partner conveys and sending clear signals of comfort and caring when your partner needs them.

Sensitive responsiveness always touches us emotionally and calms us on a physical level.

Engagement: Do I know you will value me and stay close?

The dictionary defines engaged as being absorbed, attracted, pulled, captivated, pledged, involved.

Emotional engagement means the very special kinds of attention that we give only to a loved one.

We gaze at them longer, touch them more. Often we talk of this as being “emotionally

present.”

Close Connections

In these moments of safe attunement and connection Both partners can hear each other’s

attachment cry and respond with soothing care,

Forging a new bond that can withstand differences, wounds, and the test of time.

Close Connections

Often found in small moments of time Its in these moments of safe connection that

change everything They provide a reassuring answer to the

question “are you there for me” Once partners know how to speak to their

need and bring each other close, every trial they face together simply makes their love stronger.

Close Connections

These moments of connections create new patterns in the relationship – a new dance

If you know your loved one is there and will come when you call, you are more confident of your worth and your value.

The world is less intimidating when you have another to count on and you know that you are not alone.

EFT: Two Main Processes

Vulnerability Compassion One becomes vulnerable and the other

responds with compassion.

Vulnerability Vulnerability One becomes vulnerable and the other

responds with becoming vulnerable as well.

Stage 2 Changing Interactional Positions and Creating New Bonds

Step 5: Promote identification with disowned attachment needs and aspects of self. Step 6: Promote each partner’s acceptance of the other experience. Step 7: Facilitate the expression of needs and wants to restructure the interaction based on new understandings and create bonding events

In Stage 2: overview Restructuring of Attachment Interactions there are two key change events 1. Withdrawer Re-engagement 2. Blamer Softening

In Attachment Terms: The withdrawer now becomes accessible and able to stay emotionally engaged

with self and the other He can coherently express his hurts, fears, the models of self and other cued by

these emotions. He can reach for – ask for the response he needs from his partner and begin to

actively shape the relationship. Example: “I have been so afraid, So afraid of not meeting your standards. I have

shut you out. I have numbed you out. I didn’t know what else to do. So I got paralyzed. But I do want us to be close and I don’t want you to hurt – to be lonely. I am not going to walk on eggshells anymore. I want to dance with you – but not with you keeping score. I think we can do this now. I want us to try.

Anais Nin “And the day came when the risk to

remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk to blossom.”

Step 5- Withdrawer Re-Engagement and Pursuer SofteningPromote identification with disowned attachment

emotions, needs and aspects of self, and integrate these into relationship interactions.

Help the couple redefine their experiences in terms of their unacknowledged emotional needs.

"I nag because I feel abandoned and I want to be loved." "I withdraw because I feel invaded and rejected and I need to feel safe and loved.“

A

Step 6 Promote acceptance of the other partner’s experiences and new interactional responses .

The goal is to work to get each partner to accept, believe, and trust that what the other partner is describing in terms of underlying emotional needs is accurate.

A

Step 7 Facilitate the expression of needs and wants and create emotional engagement and bonding events that redefine the attachment between the partners.

Goal is to help couple learn to express their emotional needs and wants directly rather than through the old patterns and create emotional engagement.

This will help each person see the other person in a more benign manner. (Feeling vulnerable and insecure rather than rejecting.)

A

Softening Pre-requisites:

De-escalation of negative cycle (Stage 1) Withdrawer re-engagement (Stage 2 change event) A previously hostile, critical partner accesses “softer” emotions and

risks reaching out to his/her partner who is engaged and responsive. In this vulnerable state, the previously hostile partner asks for

attachment needs to be met.

At this point, both spouses are attuned, engaged and responsive. A bonding event then occurs which redefines the relationship as a

safe haven and a secure base.

What counselor does in softening

Heightening emotions Evocative responding Creating a new dialogue Model a secure attachment (helps take a

short cut for the couple)

Levels of change in Softening

She expands her experience and accesses attachment fears. Emotions tell us what we need.

She engages her partner in a different way. She articulates emotional needs and changes

her stance (position) in the dance. New emotions prime new responses

Levels of change in Softening He sees her differently (afraid rather than

dangerous) and is pulled towards here by her expression of vulnerability

She reaches and he comforts. She sees him differently.

A new compelling cycle is initiated – an antidote to previous negative cycle – a redefinition of the relationship as a secure.

Levels of change in Softening

They exhibit more open communication, flexible problem solving and resilient coping.

There are shifts in both partner’s sense of self. Both can comfort and be comforted.

Both are defined as “lovable”

Statements in a Softening - Steps 5 and 7 I guess it’s still so much easier for me to get mad. I don’t like to

deal with the upset piece. The piece that is afraid. When I think of telling you about that, I feel like I can’t breathe. I don’t think I can do it. Surely you know that it’s happening?

If I tell you, you will turn away and I will turn into this sniveling kid-pathetic. So I don’t do it. Cant’s do it.

I survived by not going to this place, I don’t know how to reach for you-to even begin.

Some part of me says to suck it up. I will hurt even more if I ask. It’s so hard to ask. It’s terrifying for

me. I need to know you will respond. That you wont let me crash and burn.

Can you hold me, I am so afraid.

Levels of Change in a Softening in EFT: Summary

1. She expands her experience and accesses attachment fears, shame and the longing for contact and comfort. Emotion tells us what we need.

2. She engages her partner in a different way. Fear organizes a less angry more affiliative stance. She puts words to her emotional needs and changes her part of the dance. New emotions prime new responses/actions.

3. He sees her differently, as afraid rather than dangerous, and is pulled towards her by her expressions of vulnerability.

4. She reaches and he comforts. A new compelling cycle is initiated. This new connection offers an antidote to negative interactions and redefines the relationship in a secure bond.

5. This bond then allows for open communication, flexible problem solving and resilient coping with everyday issues. The couple can now begin to resolve pragmatic problems and consolidate changes. Moving to stage 3.

6. There are shifts in both partners sense of self. Both can comfort and be comforted. Both are lovable rather than “unlovable, worthless and inadequate”.

What is an ATTACHMENT INJURY

A betrayal of trust / abandonment at crucial moment of need.

A form of relationship trauma – defines relationship as insecure.

An impasse in repair process – blocks trust. Attachment significance is key – not content. Indelible imprint – only way out is through the

injury

Enactment: RESOLUTION OF ATTACHMENTINJURIES Articulate injury and impact. “NEVER AGAIN!” The other acknowledges hurt partner’s pain and elaborates on

the evolution of the event. The hurt partner integrates narrative and emotion. He/She

accesses attachment fears and longings. The other owns responsibility – expresses regret – while staying

attuned / engaged. (I feel your hurt – your pain impacts me) The hurt partner asks for comfort / reassurance. The other responds – antidote bonding event. Relationship is redefined as potential safe haven. New narrative is constructed.

Interventions in EFTTASKS: Access, expand, reprocess emotional experience

1. Empathic Reflection 2. Validation of client realities and emotional responses 3. Evocative responding – process enquiries and replays 4. Heighten, expand awareness – repeat, re-enact, refocus and use imagery. 5. Empathic interpretation and inferences, disquisition Create/choreograph new interaction patterns 1. Track and reflect process of interaction, make positions and cycles explicit. 2. Reframe the experience/interaction in terms of attachment context and

cycles. 3. Restructuring and shaping interactions.

How to Create Successful Enactments1. Set the Stage 1. Create a meaningful context 2. Build intensity 3. Help partners anticipate contact

2. Make a simple, direct request 1. Refocus and sharpen the focus 2. Block detours and refocus 3. Contain and frame escalations

3. Process each partner’s experience of the enactment 1. Expand and/or heighten new experience 2. Validate reactions and process blocks 3. Facilitate acceptance 4. Consolidate and integrate new experience

The Problem with Enactments1. They make clients anxious Various ways out: Already did it.

No point. Do but in very different manner.

(So validate difficulty and slice it thinner. So insist)

2. They make therapists anxious Lose control of session. (The run

away train) Exacerbate negativity (Catching

bullets)

3. Therapists are unsure how to USE them. Integrate into the therapy

process – set up - follow up

ENACTMENTS ARE USED TO: Crystallize present positions

– so they can be seen, owned

Turn new emotional experience into a new response to the partner

Heighten new responses – to solidify or to reach/challenge

Choreograph specific change events in Stage 2 of EFT

READINGS Core readings:1. Johnson (2004) chapter 7 Deepening engagement steps 5 & 6 chapter 8 Emotional engagement: enactments and bonding. Step

7 and change events

2. Greenman & Johnson (2013) Process Research on EFT linking theory to practice

3. Swank & Wittenborn (2013) repairing alliance ruptures in EFT Advanced reading4. Johnson (2005) EFT and infidelity

5. Johnson & Denton (2003) EFT for couples with depression