kenny hogan's powerpoint show- from the av goon's perspective

8/14/2019 Kenny Hogan's Powerpoint Show- From The AV Goon's Perspective

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Kenny HoganKenny Hogan

Audio Visual GoonAudio Visual Goon

MY EXTREMELY IMPORTANTMY EXTREMELY IMPORTANTPRESENTATIONPRESENTATION

(WHICH IS FRIGGIN INTERESTING AS HELL)(WHICH IS FRIGGIN INTERESTING AS HELL)


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Before we BeginBefore we Begin

PLEASE ENSURE THAT YOUR CELL

PHONE IS TURNED ON DURING THECONFERENCE SESSIONS, AND THAT

YOU HAVE CHOSEN THE LOUDEST AND

MOST RIDICULOUSLY OBNOXIOUS

RINGTONE POSSIBLE.


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MY VISION:MY VISION:

To empower the re-engineering of value-addedTo empower the re-engineering of value-addedinfrastructures.infrastructures. To deploy best-of-breed plug-and-play platformsTo deploy best-of-breed plug-and-play platforms

and mindshare convergence architectures withinand mindshare convergence architectures withinparadigm shifts of the new millennium.paradigm shifts of the new millennium.

To generate frictionless net matrix synergisticTo generate frictionless net matrix synergistictransparent e-business in global 24/365transparent e-business in global 24/365experiences.experiences.

To re-invent business process management andTo re-invent business process management and

software service-oriented architecture whilesoftware service-oriented architecture whilecelebrating diversity.celebrating diversity.

TO SOMEDAY GET A FREAKING CLUE ABOUTTO SOMEDAY GET A FREAKING CLUE ABOUTWHAT ANY OF THESE POINTLESSWHAT ANY OF THESE POINTLESS

BUZZWORDS ACTUALLY MEAN.BUZZWORDS ACTUALLY MEAN.


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The Reason we are here:The Reason we are here:

Theyre paying us.Theyre paying us.

Its better than working.Its better than working.

While we are here, someone else is doingWhile we are here, someone else is doingour work for us.our work for us.

Free coffee and muffins.Free coffee and muffins.

Later on we can get drunk for nothing.Later on we can get drunk for nothing.


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What the presenter thinks:What the presenter thinks:

Man, this is so exciting and I am so frigginMan, this is so exciting and I am so friggin

INTERESTING!INTERESTING!

I have so much important stuff to say, I hopeI have so much important stuff to say, I hopeI can fit it all in!I can fit it all in!

Maybe I should speak for twice as long, thatMaybe I should speak for twice as long, that

way Ill be TWICE as interesting!way Ill be TWICE as interesting! I am a dynamic SUPER-NOVA of importantI am a dynamic SUPER-NOVA of important

information!!!information!!!


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What everyone in the audience isWhat everyone in the audience is

thinking:thinking:

Jesus! Will this guy EVER SHUT UP?Jesus! Will this guy EVER SHUT UP?

Did this guy dress in the dark?Did this guy dress in the dark?

Is he that fat, or is his ass eating his pants?Is he that fat, or is his ass eating his pants?


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What the AV GUY is thinking:What the AV GUY is thinking:

Jesus! Will this guy EVER SHUT UP?Jesus! Will this guy EVER SHUT UP?

Did this guy dress in the dark?Did this guy dress in the dark?

I think my ass is eating my pants!I think my ass is eating my pants!


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Nobody CaresNobody Cares

BOSS-GUY SAYS

STUFF

PEOPLE

PRETEND TO

UNDERSTAND

BORING

UNDERLING

IMITATES

BOSS-GUY

UPWARDLY

MOBILE YUPPIE

COPIES

BORINGUNDERLING

SAYS THE

SAME THINGS

SOME OTHER

GUY

SPEAKS FOR NOREASON

AT ALL

BULLSHITE

MORE BULLSHITEHORSESHITE

TEDIUM

MONOTONY

BOREDOM


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AND THERES ALWAYSAND THERES ALWAYS

A SLIDE LIKE THISA SLIDE LIKE THIS

Blowhole MagnitudeBlowhole Magnitude

Odometer ReadingsOdometer Readings

Crab/Cave IndexCrab/Cave Index

0.00E+00

2.00E+01

4.00E+01

6.00E+01

8.00E+01

1.00E+02

APRIL

1972

TAPIOCA

INCHES

0

500

1000

1500

2000

1st Qtr

NoseconesChinrest

Shnozzola

Lung Butter

Ballpeen

North

Aardvarks

Strange Aroma

(NOBODY UNDERSTANDS IT AT(NOBODY UNDERSTANDS IT AT

ALL)ALL)


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AND THE SLIDE NOBODY CANAND THE SLIDE NOBODY CAN

READREAD

Due to the fact that I am in a semi-perpetual state of phantasmagoria I deem it highly impossible to render the required information.Due to the fact that I am in a semi-perpetual state of phantasmagoria I deem it highly impossible to render the required information. I've never been to hell, and I hope I will never go there, but I'm willing to bet that they have power-point slides down there, and Satan probably uses aI've never been to hell, and I hope I will never go there, but I'm willing to bet that they have power-point slides down there, and Satan probably uses a

wireless lav microphone with a dying battery in it.wireless lav microphone with a dying battery in it.

It's very embarrassing to fall asleep in meetings. People nudge you when you snore, and that's not fun. You can pull neck muscles just from snappingIt's very embarrassing to fall asleep in meetings. People nudge you when you snore, and that's not fun. You can pull neck muscles just from snapping

back awake. There are lots of ways to bump your head when you nod off too, so meetings can be pretty dangerous. Let's say you're yawning or snoringback awake. There are lots of ways to bump your head when you nod off too, so meetings can be pretty dangerous. Let's say you're yawning or snoring

with your mouth wide open. Swallow a fly and God knows what kind of diseases that fly might be carrying. You could end up with Diaflucose of thewith your mouth wide open. Swallow a fly and God knows what kind of diseases that fly might be carrying. You could end up with Diaflucose of the

blowhole, and lose your life just because some monotone EFP anesthetized you with his voice. The key then, is NOT TO FALL ASLEEP.blowhole, and lose your life just because some monotone EFP anesthetized you with his voice. The key then, is NOT TO FALL ASLEEP.

There are ways to stay awake during boring meetings:There are ways to stay awake during boring meetings:

Drink lots of coffee, not just for the caffeine either. I've found that is virtually impossible to go to sleep when you really need to go to the bathroom.Drink lots of coffee, not just for the caffeine either. I've found that is virtually impossible to go to sleep when you really need to go to the bathroom.

Weather it's number one or number two doesn't matter either. The terror of s taining yourself will prevent you from becoming unconscious.The danger ofWeather it's number one or number two doesn't matter either. The terror of s taining yourself will prevent you from becoming unconscious.The danger of

any kind of seepage will do the trick. Remember to cover any fart sounds with a cough, but try not to cough hard enough to cause any unwantedany kind of seepage will do the trick. Remember to cover any fart sounds with a cough, but try not to cough hard enough to cause any unwanted

seepages or soilings.seepages or soilings.

Sneezing can cause seepage and soilings too, so always bring Kleenex to ward them off. Some people sneeze loud enough to sound like they're taking aSneezing can cause seepage and soilings too, so always bring Kleenex to ward them off. Some people sneeze loud enough to sound like they're taking a

Zulu spear to the heart. You can't afford a Zulu spearing sneeze while your intestines are ballooning with hot fudge.Zulu spear to the heart. You can't afford a Zulu spearing sneeze while your intestines are ballooning with hot fudge.

Practice yawning quietly. A loud yawn that sounds like a retarded person having an orgasm will attract unwanted attention. Heads will turn and strangersPractice yawning quietly. A loud yawn that sounds like a retarded person having an orgasm will attract unwanted attention. Heads will turn and strangers

will stare at you looking for the guy who sounds like "Corky" blowing his load. Cover your mouth or tse tse flies may find a way into your larynx and you'llwill stare at you looking for the guy who sounds like "Corky" blowing his load. Cover your mouth or tse tse flies may find a way into your larynx and you'll

end up with diphtheria of the bunghole.end up with diphtheria of the bunghole.

To stay awake try stepping on your own toes or biting yourself.To stay awake try stepping on your own toes or biting yourself.


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At the end of the dayAt the end of the day

Thinking outside the boxThinking outside the box Fundamental disconnect "Fundamental disconnect " "I don't want to reinvent the wheel""I don't want to reinvent the wheel" Raise the bar, and take it to the next levelRaise the bar, and take it to the next level "You have to pick your hill to die on""You have to pick your hill to die on" Value-added proposition"Value-added proposition" "Implement the process, and convey our initiatives"Implement the process, and convey our initiatives Core ValuesCore Values win-winwin-win infrastructureinfrastructure EmpoweredEmpowered DiversityDiversity intellectual capitalintellectual capital epinionepinion Leverage the online offeringLeverage the online offering vertical marketvertical market Its like herding catsIts like herding cats

Is this microphone ON? Raise your hand if you cant hear me.Is this microphone ON? Raise your hand if you cant hear me.


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I AM AFRAID OF THE REMOTE,I AM AFRAID OF THE REMOTE,

SO WILL NOW ASK THE AV GOON TO ADVANCESO WILL NOW ASK THE AV GOON TO ADVANCE

MY SLIDES FOR ME, WHILE I SPEAK BROKENMY SLIDES FOR ME, WHILE I SPEAK BROKENENGLISH WITH A HEAVY ACCENT FROM SOMEENGLISH WITH A HEAVY ACCENT FROM SOME

MISERABLE COUNTRYMISERABLE COUNTRY


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Corpuscle Veedie VeediesCorpuscle Veedie Veedies

As we can see by theAs we can see by therelationship of therelationship of thecorpuscles to the veediecorpuscles to the veedieveedie veedie veedieveedie veedie veedie

nest sidepiecenest sidepiece and the veedie veedieand the veedie veedie

veedie net spy peas,veedie net spy peas,

the corpusclesthe corpuscles

ness sigh pleats veedieness sigh pleats veedieveedieveedie

NEXT SLIDENEXT SLIDE

PLEASE!PLEASE!

0

10

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40

50

60

70

80

90

1st

Qtr

3rd

Qtr

Veedie

VeddieVeedie

Corpuscles


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THE DAY OF YESTERDAY IS NOTHE DAY OF YESTERDAY IS NO

LONGERLONGER!!

THE FUTURE IS TOMORROW AND THETHE FUTURE IS TOMORROW AND THE

DAYS THAT COME AFTER THAT.DAYS THAT COME AFTER THAT.

WE MUST MOVE FORWARD INTO THEWE MUST MOVE FORWARD INTO THEFUTURE FROM TODAY, BECAUSE IT ISFUTURE FROM TODAY, BECAUSE IT IS

NOT POSSIBLE TO GO BACKWARDSNOT POSSIBLE TO GO BACKWARDS

INTO IT FROM THE OLD DAYS.INTO IT FROM THE OLD DAYS.


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Its our DIFFERENCES that make theIts our DIFFERENCES that make the

SAMENESS equal.SAMENESS equal.

Nobody is BETTER at anything than anyoneNobody is BETTER at anything than anyoneelse, especially Eskimos.else, especially Eskimos.


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Always remember the 3 Ps:Always remember the 3 Ps:

Preparation & PerformancePreparation & Performance


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2007 AMR Research, Inc. | Page 6


The Uncertain Challenge of Uncertainty

The prevalence of surprise in the world of business is evidence

that uncertainty is more likely to prevail than mathematical

probability.

The evidence. . .reveals repeated patterns of irrationality,

inconsistency and incompetence in the ways human beings

arrive at decisions and choices when faced with uncertainty.

Peter L. Bernstein, Against the Gods The Remarkable Story of Risk

What the hell is this asshole talking about? - Kenny Hogan

Im Half asleep I have to go to the bathroom and Im hungry.

The prevalence of surprise in the world of business is evidence

that uncertainty is more likely to prevail than mathematical

probability.

The evidence. . .reveals repeated patterns of irrationality,

inconsistency and incompetence in the ways human beings

arrive at decisions and choices when faced with uncertainty.

Peter L. Bernstein, Against the Gods The Remarkable Story of Risk

What the hell is this asshole talking about? - Kenny Hogan

Im Half asleep I have to go to the bathroom and Im hungry.


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Rub your chin. Nod your head. Squint a little.

Make believe youre writing something down.

Rub your chin. Nod your head. Squint a little.

Make believe youre writing something down.

IInternallyFocused

ExternallyFocused

Raise one eyebrow

III IV

Try not to fall asleep

Pretend you understand it.

Theyll think youre smart.Act interested.

Demand Driven Value Driven

Customer / Brand

Driven EfficiencyMarkets

Focused

I I

Local

ERP

Application

Instance

Consolidation

MDM

BS

VMIReplenishment

Demand

Data

Demand InsightsBased Innovation

Joint

ValueCreation

Value Metric

MeasurementStrategy

Supply Chain

Strategy

Value ChainStrategyIT Benefits

Realization

PLM

Forecasting

Accuracy

Perfect

Product

Launch

OutsourcedInfrastructure

Shared

Service Centers

IT Portfolio

Management

Enterprise

Compliance

Demand Signal

Repository

Risk

Management

Sustainability

Risk & Complexity

ManagementSupply Demand

Balancing

S&OP

Integrated Business

Planning Focused

S&OP

Open Innovation

Network

Demand Shaping

Quality

IT Architecture

Demand

Sensing

Product

Portfolio

Management

Outsourced

Back Office

Processes

Services Based

Architecture

Strategic

Sourcing

& Procurement

Independent MES

Decisions

Data

Warehousing

IT Standards

Design for

Supply& Service `

Strategic Project

Governance

Centers ofExcellence

BusinessProcess Architecture

Lean & Agile Value

Network

Design for

Manufacture

Outsourced

Applications

Outsourced

Knowledge

Management

Joint Venturesand Partnerships

JointExternal

Scorecards

Business

Leads IT

Business

Partners with IT


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Presentation Caring IndexPresentation Caring Index

0

10

20

30

40

50

60

70

80

90

100

1st Qtr 2nd Qtr 3rd Qtr 4th Qtr

Audience Interest

Boredom

BS Level


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The Main PointThe Main Point

The entire point of my presentation is theThe entire point of my presentation is thepoint I would like to make right now.point I would like to make right now.

I have made this point before, but it isI have made this point before, but it is

crucial that this be the Take Home, point ofcrucial that this be the Take Home, point ofthe day.the day.

If you forget everything else that is saidIf you forget everything else that is said

today, I want you to retain that one pointtoday, I want you to retain that one pointabove all other points.above all other points.

That is the reason I repeat it so often.That is the reason I repeat it so often.

kenny hogan's powerpoint show- from the av goon's perspective

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