Keeping The Peace Parent & Teen Relationships

Enduring Understandings• Communication is critical during

the teen years• Learning how to communicate

clearly and effectively is an ongoing process

• Parents’ ability to listen to their teen effects their ability to impact and influence their teen

Essential Questions• Why is communication critical

during the teen years?• What are strategies for keeping the

peace?• Why is listening such an important

part of communicating effectively?• How does your communication

style impact the peace?

Why keeping the peace is critical?• Your teen is spending more time away

from parents• Your teen is gaining independence• Your teen is expected to take

responsibility for actions• Your teen is needing guidance for

healthy decision-making and character development

• Your teen is watching your modeling

Parent Communication Styles• Passive – Avoiding what you think, feel,

want, or believe because….• You are afraid to risk the

consequences• You don’t believe in your own rights• You don’t know how to speak up for

yourself• You think another person’s rights

are more important than yours

Passive Communicators …..• Ignore or avoid • Hide feelings• Whine, fake crying• Pouting• Give in to be nice, pacify to keep

peace• Gossip• Make faces, roll-eyes• Mumbles judgements• Tattle or snitch

Parent Communication Styles• Passive-Aggressive – Appearing

passive but really acting out anger in these ways….• Subtle, indirect, or behind the

scenes words or actions• Revengeful or resentful words or

actions• Sabotaging others relationship

success, often from envy or insecurity

Passive Aggressive Communicators….• Mutter to self, under your breath• Facial expressions don’t match feelings• Sarcasm• Deny there is a problem• Use sabotage to get even or get ahead, power

plays• Set people up to fall or fail• Leave sticky notes instead of talking• Write cryptic posts online• Appear cooperative but really have hidden

agenda or ulterior motives • Secretive• Silent treatment, brooding, holding a grudge

Parent Communication Styles• Aggressive – Saying what you think,

feel, want, or believe in ways that deny another person’s right to be treated with respect....• Anger in words and/or actions• Meanness• Hurtful• Put-Downs• Spiteful• Forceful & Domineering

Aggressive Communicators ….• Yell or speak loudly – talk over others• Hit, kick, stomp, slam doors• Make threats• Humiliate• Criticize, Blame, Attack• Dominate, demand lately• Physically intimidate• Don’t share friends easily• Act threatening and rude• Don’t listen• Use “you” statements

Parent Communication Styles• Assertive – Saying what you think, feel,

want, or believe….• In ways that don’t damage another

person’s right to be treated with respect

• In straightforward, nonthreatening ways

• In ways that don’t deny your own rights

Assertive Communicators• Offer sincere apologies• Make the first move• Willing to share feelings & be vulnerable• Compromise, negotiate, make & keep agreements• Talk it out• Develop WIN/WIN outcomes• Active listening• Firmly set boundaries• Respectful in tone and intent• Seek understanding and give space to hear out

other party• “I” messages• Build others up

Learning ActivityTips for Keeping the Peace

• I feel ________________ • When you ___________• Because _____________• I want you to _________• How can we work this out?

Table Talk• What are the most important aspects of

communication with your teen? • How does being harmful in your communication

with your teen work against you? • How does being helpful in your communication with

your teen work for you? • Without making your teen feel defensive?• Without making your teen unsure of what you

really want?

Active Listening• Listen when your teen wants to talk• Listen without distractions• Listen without interrupting• Listen without judgment• Listen with your eyes, ears, & heart• Listen with empathy and share what you

believe you heard your teen say• Listen without needing to provide a

solutionListening actively will lead to your teen listening to you

Listen & Use the 5 A’s….• Affirmation• Acceptance• Appreciation• Availability• Accountability

Table Talk

Bibliography & Resources• http://childdevelopmentinfo.com/parentin

g/communication.shtml• http://www.powershow.com/view/34d08-

N2M1Y/Communicating_with_your_teenager_powerpoint_ppt_presentation

• http://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/bhcv2/bhcarticles.nsf/pages/Parenting_communicating_with_teenagers

• http://www.aces.edu/pubs/docs/H/HE-0780/

Bibliography & Resources• http://www.aces.edu/teens/stayconnected

/insession.php• http://www.aces.edu/pubs/docs/H/HE-07

80/• Words Kids Need to Hear by David Staal• How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So

Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish

• Bringing Up Kids Without Tearing Them Down by Dr. Kevin Leman