Page 1 of 14

Latest MAD KIT News - 5

KEEPING IN TOUCH (KIT)

If you are restricting your travel, social distancing or even self-isolating you may be wondering what social contact there will be with the Mansfield & District U3A (MAD). The Committee is trying to maintain some contact by producing an occasional update which will be emailed to you. We hope this helps us all to connect, cheers you up, maybe teaches you something and makes you laugh. We would like to include your tips, ideas, stories, jokes as well as facts and useful information. We can only make this work if you send us your contributions and make this your update. Members Meetings we will not be held for the foreseeable future and we will let you know when the Team from the Stags get in touch to say they are open for business again. Useful Websites For the latest updates in Mansfield click on the link below https://www.bing.com/news/search?q=Mansfield+Coronavirus&qpvt=mansfield+coronavirus&FORM=EWRE For those of you who cannot get out to buy the Mansfield Chad then please click on the link below https://www.chad.co.uk/ Mansfield District Council have set up Community Hub Website which gives information and contact details for the Food Bank, prescriptions, domestic assistance, physical activity and mental/emotion support. www.mansfield.gov.uk/coronavirus/communityhub If you do not have family or friends locally to help you with essential tasks then please call 0300 5008080 and for urgent items outside of office hours call 01623 463050. Troops Wholesale Merchants Mike Allen has let us know that Troops Wholesale Merchants on Rock Valley, Mansfield, Notts, NG18 2HA, telephone number 01623 651561, are open and also providing a delivery service. They have fruit, vegetables, salad, herbs, nuts and dried fruit, dairy, eggs and bakery.

https://www.troopsfruitandveg.co.uk/

Next door and also open is an Eastern European shop.

Page 2 of 14

You can order basic items from Morrisons, using the order form above and they will deliver. They were giving the forms out last week.

Lower the Crossbar One of the greatest strains in life is constantly having to live up to the standards we set for ourselves. Do yourself a favour and – from time to time – relax those standards a little. Jettison the past There is seldom any rational reason for having regrets about past deed or events. Because the past does not exist in any way other than in your memory. When you recognise this lack of reality, you can be calm.

Page 3 of 14

Page 4 of 14

How many of these do you remember?

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. •"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION. •"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. •"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

Page 5 of 14

4. My mother taught me LOGIC. •"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. •"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. •"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY. •"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. •"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. •"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. •"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. •"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. •"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. •"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. •"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY. •"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. •"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. •"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. •"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP. •"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOUR. •"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

Page 6 of 14

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. •"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS. •"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. •"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM. •"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favourite: my mother taught me about JUSTICE.

•"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

Lockdown

Lockdown began on March 25th And now extended till 3rd May. It's exactly 40 days from 25th March to 3rd May.

QUARANTINE The Latin root of the word "quarantine" is "forty". So what does the Bible say about 40? The flood lasted 40 days. 40 years Moses fled Egypt. 40 days Moses stayed on Mount Sinai to receive the Commandments. Exodus lasted 40 years. Jesus fasted for 40 days. Lent is 40 days.

Also: A pregnancy lasts for 40 weeks. 40 days for a woman to rest after giving birth. A group of theologians thinks the number 40 represents "change”. It is the time of preparing a person, or people, to make a difference.

Did you know that during this "quarantine" rivers are cleaning up, vegetation is growing, the air is becoming cleaner because of less pollution.

The Earth is at rest for the first time in many years and hearts are truly transforming.

Remember we are in the year 2020, and 20 + 20 = 40.

Page 7 of 14

Page 8 of 14

Update from Ben Bradley, MP

Coronavirus Updates

Key points from this week:

The daily numbers are now steady and beginning to fall across the whole of the UK

It's clear that the lockdown is not likely to be lifted overnight. Social distancing will be with us for

some time to come, with only a very small chance of a vaccine being available before the end of

the year

3,000 military reserves have been deployed to help with key roles, such as delivery of PPE.

This has helped to make things more flexible but the Chief of Defence Staff, Sir Nick Carter,

says it's the "single biggest logistical challenge he's come across"

We've been successful in ensuring that the peak of the virus has not overwhelmed our NHS

capacity, which was a key goal. We must now continue to adhere to the social distancing

guidelines and ensure that we don't have a second wave. The number of cases will likely drop,

but this will happen slowly over a long period.

Crime has fallen by 25% in recent weeks but I've been asked to relay some advice:

1. Car theft has gone up and the vast majority of stolen vehicles or vehicle break-ins are

happening where cars are left unlocked. Please take extra care to ensure you're locking your

vehicles, particularly at night.

2. The local trade in drugs has changed during lockdown but now many people are at home and

perhaps able to see things in their street or community that have been missed before. If you

have intelligence about drug dealing or manufacturing where you live, can I encourage you to

call Crimestoppers on 0800 555 111

This would really help Police, with all Crimestoppers reports coming to them within 24 hours to

be reviewed by the local intelligence team on a daily basis. All reports are placed on the Police

systems so they really do count!

Pam Ayers has been at it again. I think she wrote this for me and all the oldish girls out there.

This needs to be read so true and funny.

I'm normally a social girl I love to meet my mates But lately with the virus here

Page 9 of 14

We can't go out the gates. You see, we are the 'oldies' now We need to stay inside If they haven't seen us for a while They'll think we've upped and died.

They'll never know the things we did Before we got this old There wasn't any Facebook So not everything was told. We may seem sweet old ladies Who would never be uncouth But we grew up in the 60s - If you only knew the truth!

There was sex and drugs and rock 'n roll The pill and miniskirts We smoked, we drank, we partied And were quite outrageous flirts. Then we settled down, got married And turned into someone's mum, Somebody's wife, then nana, Who on earth did we become?

We didn't mind the change of pace Because our lives were full But to bury us before we're dead Is like a red rag to a bull! So here you find me stuck inside For 4 weeks, maybe more I finally found myself again Then I had to close the door!

It didn’t really bother me I'd while away the hour I'd bake for all the family But I've got no flaming flour! Now Netflix is just wonderful I like a gutsy thriller I'm swooning over Idris Or some random sexy killer.

At least I've got a stash of booze For when I'm being idle There's wine and whiskey, even gin If I'm feeling suicidal! So let's all drink to lockdown To recovery and health

Page 10 of 14

And hope this awful virus Doesn't decimate our wealth.

We'll all get through the crisis And be back to join our mates Just hoping I'm not far too wide To fit through the flaming gates!

Welcome to your wildlife update As the lockdown continues, our connections to nature are growing more important

than ever.

Why not watch spring as it happens in your garden or while you’re exercising, and

notice every new green leaf as it unfurls? Are you hearing more birds singing? Are

you seeing more bees nosing their way into flowers? We’d love to hear your stories.

Share them with us on social media.

Look to the future: Earth Day 2020

This week people across the planet marked the 50th anniversary of Earth Day by

calling for action on the climate and ecological emergency. Our partners BirdLife

International are asking the UN to recognise the right to a healthy natural

environment and you can support them.

Join the movement

One million hours

Nature wouldn't be what it is without amazing volunteers! This week, we said thank you.

Page 11 of 14

Vital support

World Curlew Day

From its banana-like bill to bubbling call, get to know a much-loved countryside

favourite.

Curlew crisis

Fully focused

You’ve been sending us your wonderful photos for #Beakwatch. Find out who the

winner was.

Perfect pics

Page 12 of 14

Nature's Calendar

It's such a busy time in the natural world. Summer migrants are on the move,

birdsong is everywhere, and our parks and gardens are buzzing with life.

What to spot

Tomorrow is the National Homeschool Lockdown Drill. Lock your kids in the basement until you give the all clear. You’re welcome!

2019: Stay away from negative people. 2020: Stay away from positive people.

The world has turned upside down. Old folks are sneaking out of the house, and their

kids are yelling at them to stay indoors!

You think it’s bad now? In 20 years, our country will be run by people homeschooled by day drinkers…

This virus has done what no woman had been able to do…cancel all sports, shut down all bars, and keep men at home!!! (Some wives already regret it.)

Do not call the police on suspicious people in your neighborhood! Those are your neighbors without makeup and hair extensions!

Page 13 of 14

Since we can’t eat out, now’s the perfect time to eat better, get fit, and stay healthy. We’re quarantined! Who are we trying to impress? We have snacks, we have sweatpants –use them!

Day 7 at home and the dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture!”

Does anyone know if we can take showers yet or should we just keep washing our hands???

I never thought the comment “I wouldn’t touch him/her with a 6-foot pole” would become a national policy, but here we are!

Me: Alexa what’s the weather this weekend? Alexa: It doesn’t matter – you’re not going

anywhere.

Can everyone please just follow the government instructions so we can knock out this coronavirus and be done?! I feel like a kindergartner who keeps losing more recess time because one or two kids can’t follow directions.

I swear my fridge just said “what the hell do you want now?”

When this is over…what meeting do I attend first…Weight Watchers or AA?

Quarantine has turned us into dogs. We roam the house all day looking for food. We are told “no” if we get too close to strangers. And we get really excited about car rides.

More Jokes – from Bill

I BOUGHT MY WIFE A MIRROR TODAY.

THAT'LL SHOW HER WHO'S BOSS.

IT'S BEEN A BLESSING BEING HOME WITH THE WIFE FOR THREE WEEKS

WE'VE CAUGHT UP ON EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG IN FIFTEEN YEARS.

A ROMAN WALKS INTO A BAR, AND HOLDS UP TWO FINGERS, AND SAYS,

"FIVE BEERS PLEASE".

I RECENTLY SWITCHED ALL THE LABELS ON MY WIFE'S SPICE RACK...

SHE HASN'T REASLISED YET, BUT THE THYME IS CUMIN.

I USED TO SELL ALARMS DOOR TO DOOR, I WAS VERY GOOD AT IT.

Page 14 of 14

IF NO ONE WAS AT HOME, I WOULD JUST LEAVE A BROCHURE ON THE TABLE.

FOR THE PAST FEW DAYS, I WAKE UP TO FIND SOMEONE HAD DUMPED A LOAD OF LEGO ON MY GARDEN,

I DONT KNOW WHAT TO MAKE OF IT.

Future dates for MAD KIT will be:

12.05.2020 19.05.2020 26.05.2020 For Mike Allen’s Newsletter 5.05.2020 2.06.2020 If anyone has anything that we could include in either publication then please send them to us. These dates may be changed if lockdown restrictions are amended. Thank you.

Best wishes and keep well and stay safe From Your Committee