jim bauer - how to detect an affair
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How to see the signs, catch her in the act!TRANSCRIPT
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Table of Contents
Chapter 1: How To Prepare Yourself
Chapter 2: When Can You Say It’s Cheating?
Chapter 3: Why You Should Know
Chapter 4: Infidelity Quiz
Chapter 5: Is There a Life After Infidelity?
Chapter 6: Accidental Slip-Ups
Chapter 7: Behavioral Changes
Chapter 8: Unexplained Travel
Chapter 9: Dirty Tricks
Chapter 10: Looking For Signs
Chapter 11: Following the Paper Trail
Chapter 12: Masked Surveillance
Chapter 13: Tips To Flush Your Partner Out
Chapter 14: Liars
Chapter 15: Detecting Lies
Chapter 16: Secret Communication
Chapter 17: Performing Reverse Cell Phone Lookups
Chapter 18: Setting Up A Free Lie Detector on Your Partner’s Phone
Chapter 19: Retrieving Deleted Text Messages
Chapter 20: The Other Person
Chapter 21: Finances
Chapter 22: When Your Partner Leaves
Chapter 23: Family and Friends
Chapter 24: What To Do When Your Partner Leaves
Chapter 25: The Aftermath
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CHAPTER ONE:
How To Prepare Yourself
You may be wondering whether or not your spouse is cheating on you and
this thought might have been stuck in your mind for quite some time
already. Like any other event in your life that appears traumatic, you know
you have to prepare yourself for whatever it is you are going to find out.
Upon finding out, you already know that you won’t be able to think clearly
and respond logically.
But let’s get things organized first. Have you already schemed a way so you
can prove that your spouse is really cheating on you?
Most people would confront their partner once they suspect cheating but you
should resist the urge to do this. The wisest thing you can do is to plan out
your moves and be strategic in your actions. Imagine what kind of response
you would get if you would instantly accuse your spouse of cheating?
Obviously, your partner will deny your accusation if you don’t have any proof
or your proof is just circumstantial. It is vital that you are able to prove that
your spouse is indeed having an affair with another person or else you won’t
be able to counter their denial.
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Do not expose your suspicions and jeopardize your chances at catching him
in the act of cheating by confronting your partner. What they would
perceptibly do so they won’t get caught again is to be more careful making it
harder for you to find proof. Whereas if you play innocent and bottle up your
suspicions, your spouse will have no idea that you are on the scheme of
gathering proof of his hidden affair with someone else.
The best strategic move therefore, is to play innocent. Just think about what
other people will say about you if they believe you are not listening. Many
surprising thoughts may be revealed. They will not hold back on what they
are going to say about you and let things unconsciously slip. If you are
observant enough, you might be able to detect these slip-ups such as when
your spouse comes home with damp hair or smelling of soap. Do not
immediately confront him. Take note of these and wait for the next slip-up.
As the old saying goes:
“Keep your friends close and your enemies closer”
The more you bottle up your suspicions, the more proof you can gather
about him. Remember to never accuse if you don’t have enough proof.
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Chances are, you will expect denial or you could totally be wrong about your
accusations.
You can also hire a private investigator to do the spying for you. You don’t
need to put your life on hold just to waste your time spying on him. Private
investigators are professionals and they know what they are doing. Just
make sure you don’t let your spouse know you are doing this by keeping
your business cards and paying the investigator by cash.
If you think that hiring someone may be too expensive, you can ask for help
from your significant others. Or you could check his cellular phone for
suspicious text, calls or emails. You can also bring him food whenever he
says he’s at the gym just to make sure that he really is there.
Just keep in mind to be discrete and do not let him think that you are spying
on him or else he and his lover will change their routines.
Keep all solid evidence that you have about your partner’s external affair
and only show it if you think it is enough. Having everything on hand, your
partner will be caught off guard with no chances of making up any excuse
for his actions. These solid evidences may also come in handy for legal
purposes.
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Emotions can be a strong influence so make sure that you write down
whatever you are thinking or what you are planning. That way, these plans
will not get influenced easily by your emotions.
People can become irrational once emotions are involved and may say or do
something that they will eventually regret. Be sure to try and stay strong
especially if you have children because they need someone to look up to
when they are confused and scared about the situation.
A close friend or a family member can act as a support person but you have
to be 100% sure that this is not your partner’s lover. Once you’re sure, you
can then speak out your suspicions and try to be open to you support
person’s point of view.
You must also ask this support person if he/she is willing to accommodate
you if ever what you’re suspecting is true. This way, you won’t be alone
during this crisis in your life.
If there’s no one who can act as your support person, there are always
support groups in the community. Search for shelters and hotels are
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available where you can stay and pass time in case your partner won’t leave.
But be aware that in the end, it is the cheating partner that should leave.
However, if you think that your partner can change and if you’re willing to
give your relationship a second chance, be sure to state your expectations
and whatever it is that needs to change. Make your statements clear and
have therapists ready to back-up the both of you during this patch-up to
avoid giving up on working out the relationship.
If you have decided to patch things up, just make sure your partner is also
willing to do it because if he doesn’t, the situation will end up causing you
much more pain.
Be clear about what you are going to say and be aware of what emotions
you want him to know. Let him realize that he has to take responsibility of
his actions. Don’t go about jumping, slapping and screaming as this will
make your partner think that you are unstable. If your partner sees that you
are strong and able to control your emotions, they will realize that they have
made a grave offense and will think that you can stand on your own even
without them.
Even if you think that hurting your partner is just, never do this because you
can be charged of assault and battery.
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Be sure to keep all evidence and request people to remember infidelities
because you might need these for legal purposes. Also make it a point to
hire a good lawyer preferably one that has been referred by a friend.
Knowledge indeed is power so take advantage of every situation, plan
carefully and be cognizant. Be aware of your rights and don’t let your
partner trample over your ego.
Money is still vital at this point so make sure you have settled joint bank
accounts. Save up some just in case you need to stay away from your
partner or if your partner doesn’t want to give up the house. You will need
the time to be away from each other so you can both think things through.
If perchance you are wrong about your accusations about your partner, you
must also be prepared for personal change. Accusing your partner of
cheating is a big thing so you might need therapists to help you deal with
jealousy and mistrust issues.
Upon finding out the truth, it is understandable that you may still think that
your partner is cheating on you. Until your suspicions have been proved,
never say anything to your partner.
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If your partner is indeed innocent and it has been proven that he is not
cheating on you, you have to put everything behind and stop torturing your
partner. An end to this matter doesn’t mean that you won’t have future
problems again.
This event will bring about a change in your relationship with your partner.
You have to work on rebuilding the trust. A marriage counselor is advisable
during this time so that both of you can work through this issue and regain
trust with each other once more.
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CHAPTER TWO:
When Can You Say It’s Cheating?
Each individual has a different perception about what cheating is. So how do
you know if cheating is cheating or if it’s merely temptation in a different
form?
Women see kissing and sex more of an emotional rather than a physical
experience. Men think the opposite. If these aspects differ from each gender,
then cheating may mean different for each gender too.
Basically speaking, exchange of body fluids with another person who isn’t
your spouse can immediately be considered as cheating. Kissing is
somewhat forgivable, but it is usually what leads to sex. So can kisses be
concluded as cheating?
If the event didn’t go any further than a kiss, is it because they knew what
they were doing was wrong or because they felt guilty that they were
already cheating their partner? In this case, a guilty kiss can conclude that
the cheater doesn’t want to cheat on his lover.
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Kisses can be influenced by different factors but the most common kind of
cheating kiss is the drunken kiss. Kisses influenced by alcohol can mean that
the thought is clouded and judgment is unclear. Sometimes, cheating kisses
happen because the cheater wants to get attention from the opposite sex
and prove that he/she still has worth.
Sex on the other hand is unquestionably cheating. If someone tells you that
he/she had ‘accidental sex’ with someone, then that person is an idiot. There
is always time to think before doing the act. If the cheaters plan to meet up,
then they would possibly talk about where to do it. This time will give them
enough time to realize and think about what they are about to do. Unlike
cheating kisses, alcohol influence is not an excuse to deciding to have sex
with someone. No matter how drunk you are, you always know what you are
about to do when it comes to sex.
Flirting on the other hand is just a means of stroking the ego. However, if
the person is not contented with flirting, this may eventually lead to kissing
and having sex with a person other than the main partner. Flirting is healthy
in a relationship and I bet you have done this yourself from time to time too.
But it shouldn’t lead to kissing or sex or else it will then be considered
cheating.
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How about porn and strip clubs? Can you say that it’s cheating when you see
your partner watching porn movies and going to strip clubs? Do not jump to
conclusions. Make sure you ask your partner the reasons behind this ‘hobby’
and why they enjoy doing so. If your partner likes porn and strip clubs, it
does not instantly equate that he wants to sleep with the stripper.
If you are in this kind of situation, think of it as something to be thankful for
– that your partner is not out there fulfilling his physical desires. Deal with
the situation as calmly and rationally as you can. But be cautious too
because looking at strippers is definitely different from getting a lap dance
from one of them. It transcends to a more intimate level from visual to
physical.
If your partner is constantly hanging around with someone else, this doesn’t
conclusively mean cheating. There is a probability however, it may not have
happened yet. What you need to do is approach your partner calmly and
state that you are not happy with him hanging around that person; however,
never forbid them from seeing each other. Your partner might think that you
are trying to be in control.
If you’re lucky, there might be a time that your partner will honestly tell you
that he is worried that he might be developing feelings for another person.
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Never treat your partner like a cheater instead, talk to him. Tell him that you
appreciate his honesty and that he must do some effort to avoid that certain
person. He managed to gather all his courage to be honest with you because
he doesn’t want to be involved with another person.
His honesty in having feelings for someone is not cheating but it will turn out
to be that if you don’t handle the situation carefully and will not do anything
about it.
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CHAPTER THREE:
Why You Should Know
The most important characters in a relationship are trust and
communication. Without them the relationship won’t work out and problems
regarding affairs with other people cannot be fully dealt with. Both
individuals must be 100% happy and trustful after a problem has been fixed
or else the problem will reoccur all over again.
When you are in a serious relationship, the last thing you want to find out is
that your partners is having an affair or have had an affair with someone
before. But apart from that, the worst feeling is when you’re not entirely
sure about your suspicion. Your gut instinct has a purpose and it might tell
you that your partner is cheating so you need to deal with it by gathering
solid evidence. If you discover in the end that your partner is not cheating,
then you need to work on building the trust once more.
Several reasons exist as to why some people don’t want to know if their
partner is cheating. Most people think that this event might ruin the
relationship and they will end up alone again. But in reality, dealing with the
problem is the first step to determining your future with your partner or on
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your own. Problems need to be faced head on so that it is much easier to
move on.
So why should you know if your partner is cheating? Well in actuality, it is
for your own good and for your own future. Don’t be scared with the truth
because if you deny learning the reality, you will be stuck in that place for a
long time and will only end up hurting yourself. You can fool other people
but you can never fool yourself.
Chances are you will be willing to work it out with your partner so as I’ve
mentioned and you need to get a counselor to help you out with your issues.
But if perchance you decide to get separated, then view this event as a
chance to start your life again. You are much better off without the pain and
suffering caused by your partner and once you’re gone, your partner will
realize that losing you is a cruel punishment of his actions.
Another reason why you need to know if there is cheating in a relationship is
because having a cheating partner can greatly affect your personality and
how you interact with other people. Apart from that, it can also affect your
confidence and self-esteem. You may also find it hard to trust other people,
even your friends. You might think that if one person that you love can hurt
you, won’t everyone else do the same? Chances are, you might also
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conclude that are not good enough for anyone anymore. But the truth is,
these thoughts are not at all true.
Usually when a person knows that his/her partner is cheating, they will ask a
million questions whenever their partner leaves the house; such as “Where
are you going? How long will you be gone? Who are you going with?” and
the worst one would be “Are you going out to meet him/her?” The latter
usually fires up an argument and the cheater leaves the house feeling bad
which pushes him further into his lover’s arms. You can end this hurting
cycle by gathering facts and finding out if your partner is really cheating on
you.
When there are children involved in the situation, the matter must be dealt
with appropriately. People think children are naïve but in reality, their mind
is a blank canvas which makes it easier for them to remember what they
hear and see such as mum and dad arguing and accusing each other of
cheating. When they grow up, they might unconsciously do the same to their
own partners and end up getting hurt just because they have witnessed such
during their childhood.
If your partner denies having an affair with another person, you must go to
extreme means to prove infidelity so that you can show your partner and
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yourself that you are not silly enough to tolerate such act. If you have
proven this, then you can stop worrying yourself and wasting your life
wondering where your partner is and who your partner is with.
Legal battles might arise in the event so be prepared with all the evidence
on hand for your own benefit. However, if your partner isn’t really cheating,
then you have to make amends and prove to your partner that you can trust
him. Lack of trust can ruin a relationship, so can empty accusations and
jealousy. Accusations of infidelity are far more harmful than actually finding
out a cheating partner.
A support person from the outside may be able to help you have a clear view
of your situation. Listen to your friend’s opinions as these may be insightful
and help you realize certain things that have been clouded by your mistrust
and jealousy. You need to find out the truth and if your partner is not proven
guilty, then tell your friends so they don’t end up being needlessly harsh on
your partner.
Pause for a moment and ask yourself this question: “How much time am I
spending thinking and worrying about what might be?”
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Basically, the more you think about it, the bigger the problem becomes.
Even if you try to bottle up your emotions, these will eventually and
unconsciously find a way to manifest in your voice and actions.
However, ask yourself this question too: “Is it fair that I accuse him of
something when the fact is he has done nothing wrong?”
Put yourself in your partner’s position and think about how you would feel if
you were accused of cheating when you’re not. Won’t you feel offended?
Won’t you think that your partner doesn’t trust you anymore?
These questions will eventually lead to more fights that will ruin the
relationship so it is advisable that you have to prove that your partner is not
cheating before it will ruin your relationship.
A sincere and deep apology is expected if ever your accusations are wrong.
Expect beforehand that you will not be instantly forgiven but realize that you
are one step ahead to a much better relationship with your partner. You will
then know what you should do if ever your gut instincts gets off track.
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CHAPTER FOUR:
Infidelity Quiz
Try and answers these questions with “Yes” or “No” as honestly as you can
so you will be able to determine if there is infidelity involved in your current
relationship:
1. It was less than a year after you met your partner when you decided
to get married.
2. You and your partner are both under 25 years old.
3. Your partner has unexplained and unpredictable mood swings.
4. After coming home, you and your partner don’t talk much about what
happened to your individual lives during that day.
5. You both have individual hobbies and interests.
6. You and your partner are married for less than 7 years.
7. You have a kid who is under 2 years old.
8. You and your partner examine phone bills, utility and bank accounts
together.
9. When there is time, you and your partner plan on ways to spend time
together.
10. You and your partner have good relationships to both your in-
laws.
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Each number has corresponding points when you answered “Yes” or “No”.
Add the corresponding score and see the results below:
Question Yes No
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
1
1
1
1
0
1
1
0
0
0
0
0
0
0
1
0
0
1
1
1
Results:
Total of 1-3: You are able to understand what marriage and working
together as a couple is all about while regarding each other’s individuality.
Because your marriage is strong, infidelity is highly unlikely. Don’t be
complacent though and try to keep working at growing together as partners.
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Total of 4-6: You only have a typical idea on how to make a marriage work
out but do not despair because there is still room for change. If you want to
save your marriage and reduce the risk of infidelity, then you need to sit
down and talk about your issues as a couple.
Total of 7-10: Basically, your marriage is what we call a disaster waiting to
happen. You need to realize that you have entered marriage and you need
to work things out together, not as separate individuals. Having a hobby is
an outlet away from each other once in a while so go have a hobby. When
deciding on something, include your spouse. It is vital that you both have
the time to be with each other to discuss on your priorities and how you can
strengthen your weak relationship. To avoid major problems in the near
future, seek a counselor to help you resolve your marital problems.
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CHAPTER FIVE:
Is There a Life After Infidelity?
Whether you have decided to be together or whether you want to be on your
own after an event of infidelity, there is always a life after it. It just depends
on how you move on from there and how much willing you are to accept
reality.
Communication is very important during this phase but you still need the
space to think things through. Ask the cheater to move out of the house for
about 1-2 weeks so you can evaluate your emotions.
If the cheater has been cheating on you habitually over and over again, then
probably the relationship is not worth saving at all. If it’s not the first time
your partner has cheated, then it will definitely not be the last. If you decide
to take this person back after the recurrent episodes of cheating, then that
person might think that he can get away with his actions that easily and will
eventually cheat on you again.
You have the other option of looking at your relationship and evaluating
whether you are willing to trust your partner again. Rebuilding broken trust
is a long and tedious process and both of you should put equal amount of
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efforts to it. A relationship counselor can greatly help since they are experts
in the field and have studied several cases of infidelity before.
If both you and your partner decide to go your separate ways, then think
rationally on how everything will end up and how you can divide your shares
equally. You have to talk with your partner and establish a closure to your
affair so each of you can have a final say.
Also consider whether you want to be friends with that person afterwards.
You can’t be friends if you have bad feelings for a person so decide and set
the limits to your relationship before breaking it off with your partner.
It is true that time heals all pain so never feel bad about yourself because as
true as it may be that it will still hurt in the process of healing; it will never
be anywhere near as bad. Do not waste your time crying over someone who
doesn’t know you and who obviously doesn’t deserve you.
It is acceptable to cry but you have to eventually pull yourself together and
realize that it was not your fault that this thing has happened. Do not wallow
in self-pity and realize that you have to stop thinking about what could have
been if you acted differently. Stop thinking about your partner and do not try
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to over analyze the situation because you will end up confusing and hurting
yourself even more.
What has happened is something that time cannot rewind so bear in mind
that you need to pick yourself together and rebuild your self-esteem. You
will need to start dating again but never let anyone push you into doing it.
Deal with your problems first before you go into another relationship
because as long as you’re not over your partner, you will never find
someone else who can make you feel the same way as your partner did.
Deciding whether to stay together or not is up to you. But always make it a
point to evaluate the outcomes of your decision and determine how you will
be able to cope up with the situation.
Although it is fulfilling to be able to express your thoughts, it is sometimes
much better to be silent. Not saying anything can hurt as much as painful
and angry words. Your partner will eventually realize how hurt you are and
how hurting his actions were making you aome out as the better person.
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CHAPTER SIX:
Accidental Slip-Ups
There will always come a time that you partner will have slip ups. With so
many lies being generated, he will not be able to remember everything he
has said to cover up his affair. If these slip ups occur, do not let it pass you
by because your partner might think that he can easily get away with it.
If there will come a time that your partner will accidentally call you by
someone else’s name, don’t brush it off that easily. Your partner might be
visually imagining his other lover while he is talking, or worse, making love
to you. Listen carefully when he mentions the name again and pick up cues
from his conversation with you.
If many people or close friends and family members have seen your partner
with someone else publicly even if your partner has told you he will be at
work, this is positively a proof that he has an affair with someone else. If
you confront him and he tries to cover it up, tell him that he owes you an
explanation and that you won’t stop pestering him until you get the truth out
of him.
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Other common slip-ups is are cases where you see lipstick on his collar, a
certain scent or perfume that you do not own, or a hair strand on his
clothes. When you find these, do not accuse him of anything instead, just
state it simply and clearly that there is lipstick on his collar. See what his
reaction is like and listen to his alibi. By the time he tells you an alibi, you
have already determined whether he is lying or not just by analyzing his
reaction.
Whatever that slip-up is, never let your partner get away with it. If you have
the reason to be suspicious, do so because you will be amazed at what you
will discover. The key to being informed is being aware therefore you should
be cognizant and mindful about what is happening around you.
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CHAPTER SEVEN:
Behavioral Changes
What signs should you look out for if you think your partner is cheating on
you? It is a fact that when someone hangs around another person long
enough, his personality and behavior will mimic that of the person he is
spending time with. Sexual, behavioral and personality changes in your
partner are positive signs that he is having an affair.
While it is true that most people will experience a stand-still in their sex life
if their partner is having an affair with someone else, it is not perpetually
true. Sometimes, the cheaters sex drive might become highly stimulated
leading to an increase in you and your partner’s sex drive. Observe if your
partner is putting pressure on you in trying out different sexual positions and
discover the reason behind this change of interest.
On the other hand, if your partner and his lover are having new and
passionate sex, then your partner might have little desire in lovemaking with
you and might see it as a chore rather than a pleasure. Lack of foreplay and
kissing is a sign of distraction so be aware of these when you and your
partner are having sex.
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General questions can also reveal whether he is guilty of having an affair
with someone else. A simple question such as “What did you do today?” or
“How was your day?” answered by your partner in a defensive manner
shows that he is definitely hiding something. You can simply respond by
saying that he has to tell you so you won’t worry who he’s with or where
he’s at during that time.
Body language can tell a lot. Take for example folded arms. Folded arms
during your conversations actually mean that your partner doesn’t want to
talk about it or he’s not interested in whatever you are saying.
The key to determining these signs of changes is to put yourself in your
partner’s shoes. Think about what you would say or do when confronted and
correspond this with what your partner is doing.
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CHAPTER EIGHT:
Unexplained Travel
If your partner has an affair, then travelling should be one of the important
areas you need to look into because this is the only time that your partner
and his lover can go about as a normal couple without taking the risk of
someone they know seeing them together.
As soon as your partner says he has business trips to attend to, evaluate
whether his job requires him to do so. You can begin having doubts when
your partner can’t give you a contact number at the hotel he is staying in
and makes up excuses as to why you shouldn’t contact him during his trip.
Bear in mind that no company will send an employee somewhere without a
phone or any means of communication available. You can also give his office
a ring and ask the secretary for his contact number. Make legitimate reasons
why you need to contact your partner so that you will be given the number
immediately.
You can also offer to send him off to or pick him up at the airport. If he
makes up excuses and tells you not to do it, you have to ask why and listen
to his excuse.
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While your partner is away, he might ring you to check in maybe twice a
day. This happens because he doesn’t want you to call him up because you
might interrupt something. When he calls, there’s nothing interesting in
what he is saying and he usually ends it up quickly. To combat this action,
you should insist that you call him up yourself during his trip.
Another thing your partner might do so he can spend time alone with his
lover is to convince you to take more trips with your friends. This way, he
gets to be alone with his lover while you are away. But if you do decide to
take the trip, ring home a few times when you expect your partner to be
there and if he isn’t, listen to his excuse as to why he didn’t answer your
call.
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CHAPTER NINE:
Dirty Tricks
There are several things your partner will do to get you off their back. Some
of the ones listed below are time tested and proven while others are quite
creative and alarmingly effective too. However, each of these tricks has one
agenda in common: to allow your partner to get away from you and the
house where they can be alone with their lover.
Business Trips
Business trips are the perfect excuse where your partner and his lover can
get away as far as possible from you and enjoy being a couple for several
days or weeks. It can also be a good way for them to be together in a nice
hotel and have a hindrance-free weekend together.
Late Nights at the Office
If your partner has a busy profession, then this is probably the best excuse
they can give you because you are not entirely sure about how busy his
workload is. A project nearing the deadline is a perfect excuse to stay out
late without any interruption from you since it is understandable that you
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must not disturb your partner while he is working when in fact your partner
is with his lover all the while.
Gym Schedules
If your partner is good, he might be able to make you believe that he has
gym training schedules on a regular routine. This excuse is particularly
clever because he can then deal with the issue of coming home with damp
hair and smelling of soap.
Your partner may be working out more than you think and is trying to
impress someone if they spend endless hours at the gym and decide to go
on a health binge without any apparent reason.
Business Lunches and Dinners
Your partner may also make an excuse of having an important business
dinner with someone. What other perfect excuse to be uninterrupted for a
period of time than to use this alibi? Determine whether these business
lunches and dinners correspond to your partner’s job description and
monitor how frequent these are occurring.
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Membership in a Sports Team
Being a member in a sports team can be your partner’s excuse of not having
time to be with you. Your partner can also use this excuse for tournaments,
practices and away games with the team.
Out With Some Friends
It is understandable that both you and your partner have individual sets of
friends of the same sex and at times would want to be out with them every
once in a while. However, if this excuse is being used often, it is just that
you inquire about how often your partner and his friends are going out.
Night Classes
This is an alternative to the sports team excuse. Having classes or taking up
a hobby is definitely something you must not deny from your partner. But if
you think there’s something more to it, you should be careful and look into
this excuse closer.
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CHAPTER TEN:
Looking For Signs
If there is an affair going on between two people, they tend to make sure
that everything is kept hidden. However, it is common that they forget to
cover up small things and these things might appear as noticeable ones to
people who manage to discover them.
It is just the same as you and your home. You will eventually notice that
something is not right because you already know where everything is placed
inside the house. Same is true with your partner. Because you already know
him and have been with him for quite some time, you will easily notice when
something isn’t right about his actions or character.
Your partner’s car and the bedroom are two of the most noticeable places
where you can investigate changes. Take a mental picture of his car before
your partner leaves or a visual image of the house and where things are
placed before you leave. See if there are hair strands that don’t belong to
you or your partner on the head rest of the passenger’s seat or your side of
the bed. These hair strands might also be on the floor, in the bathroom or on
your vanity mirror so be extra careful and have a keen eye for these.
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Keep in mind where the towels are and what color your sheets were right
before you left because if your partner and his lover are having sex on your
bed then your partner will definitely wash the sheets to eradicate the soiled
evidence of infidelity. Keeping your body wash and razor in the same place
after using it can also be done because if they are not in the same place you
left it, you can be sure that another girl has used it and not your partner
because the smell cannot correspond to his gender.
When you get home from work, see if there’s any condensation or water
droplets in the bathroom because if there is, then it is definitely not from
your morning bath.
Try checking under the bed or on the side of your partner’s car seat to see if
there are necklaces or earrings that you partner’s lover might have taken off
to get comfortable. Earrings fall off easily so be sure to search for this.
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CHAPTER ELEVEN:
Following the Paper Trail
Receipts
If your partner has an affair with someone else and is maintaining it, then it
has surely cost him time and money. Spending habits leave a paper trail
therefore you know what is going on with your partner and his lover’s lives.
If you are willing to spend time and effort, you will discover that this paper
trail is evidence enough that your partner has an affair with someone else.
It’s just a matter of asking yourself how hard you’re prepared to look for the
trail.
Receipts are the most obvious paper trails to look for because you can easily
locate them in trousers, jackets, glove compartments, under car seats, and
many other places. Shop receipts indicate when, how much and what is
being paid for so you now get an idea on what is happening in your partner’s
life and his lover. Eventually you will be able to build a profile on where you
partner has been and what activities he has been doing for a couple of days.
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Record every receipt you get and correspond it with his excuses for that
certain day. Although his story might not always match up with the receipt,
bear in mind that this is not always a sign of infidelity. Be just and
reasonable before you start accusing your partner.
Bank Statements
Likened to receipts, bank statements also provide a summary of what you
have been spending on and when you are spending them. It will be very
easy to trace expenses if you and your partner have joint accounts. If you
both have individual accounts, be sure that you know about each and every
one of his accounts so you will be able to monitor them.
If you’re not able to find any of your partner’s bank statements lying around
the house, you can always call the bank and ask for a statement. Most bank
account security questions will just ask for the last 4 digits of an SS number
or the mother’s maiden name and you know those already. You can also
intercept the statement in the mail before he gets a chance to open it or you
could view the statement online, provided that you have his account
numbers.
Credit Cards
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By reviewing credit card statements, it will be easy to track down the
spending activities of your partner. Like receipts and bank statements, credit
card statements will also provide you as to what item was purchased, when
it was purchased and how much has been spent on the item.
It might be difficult to keep track of his spending activities if he has several
credit cards but you can ask for a credit report from credit reporting
agencies such as TransUnion.
Whether it be a receipt, bank statement or credit card report, a good hunt
around the house and in trash cans while your partner is away can prove to
be beneficial in knowing what lifestyle he leads.
Email is yet again another tool in the cheating scheme. Microsoft Explorer is
the most common way to access emails and sometimes you don’t even need
to type in the passwords for you to access the email account. Once you’re in,
you will be able to browse through folders and open messages that may
spark your curiosity but if the email is protected, then you can’t go further
unless you have spyware installed on your computer.
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Most people don’t go through much trouble when using their emails so use
this for your benefit. The trash folder is the best place to look for any
deleted messages that might be from your partner’s lover. Email messages
that have been deleted are usually stored there for 24 hours before it
permanently gets deleted. Another place to look for is the recycle bin where
deleted images and files can be located. The recycle bin cannot be emptied
unless you do it manually and is sometimes overlooked by desktop users.
When you see an item, file or email that may come out as evidence that
your partner is cheating, all you need to do is print out the file.
Capturing Emails and Passwords
1. How To Capture Emails Using Outlook
If your partner uses Microsoft Outlook or Outlook Express to send and
receive emails, you only need 10 minutes to access his account by:
• Open Microsoft Outlook/ Outlook Express program
• Click on File >> Import/Export
• Click Export to a File
• Click Personal File Folder (.pst)
• Save the entire inbox to another directory located in the
computer
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• Burn the saved files to a CD
You now have a copy of all content in your partner’s inbox which you
can read at your own convenience at any internet cafe.
To import the files, all you have to do is:
• Open Microsoft Outlook/ Outlook Express program
• Click File >> Import/ Export
• Click Import From Another Program or File
• Click Personal File Folder (.pst)
• Import the inbox to the internet café computer
If by chance you partner does not use Outlook Express or Microsoft
Outlook for his emails, simply look up a guide providing step by step
methods on how to import/ export files with the email that your
partner is using.
It is much trickier if your partner uses a free online email provider so
you have to get the password so you can open the email account
anytime.
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2. How To Capture Passwords
How To Capture Microsoft Outlook Passwords
If you want to capture passwords on Microsoft Outlook, all you need to do
is get the Password Revealer application from: http://www.0-
2go.com/revealer.exe
(Note: Use this application at your own risk. Although we haven’t
experienced any problem with this software, we do not accept any liability
for its use because we are not the creators of this software. )
The Password Revealer will not detect a password that is encrypted
though.
How To Capture Free Email Service Provider Passwords
If you are willing to spend and take the time to learn how to do it, then
go ahead and purchase Spector Pro from www.spectorsoft.com . The
software records every keystroke that has been typed it and then you can
browse the keystrokes for your partner’s password. Apart from recording
what is happening on your desktop, Spector Pro also allows you to read
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messages sent via ICQ, Instant Messenger and other online chatting
program.
Cellular Phones
Many cellphone companies provide detailed summaries of calls and account
activity therefore you can use this to your advantage if you want to know
about your partner’s phone activities. Account summaries list details on what
number was called up, what time the call was made and how long the call
lasted. You can request the cellphone network provider for account activities
even as far as a year ago for free or for a minimal charge.
All these gadgets and ways considered as “paper trail” can eventually give
you a detailed account about your partner’s daily activity. Once you have
built your partner’s detailed profile, you can immediately evaluate if he is
cheating on you.
Tricks They Use To Cover Up The Paper Trail
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If you have a clever partner who knows the twist and turns of cheating, then
you need to know that the items listed below are some of the most common
ways they get away with their infidelity:
Cash Outs
Sometimes your partner might withdraw a certain amount of money from a
bank account to pay for items by cash. What you need to do this time is to
evaluate the bank statement and if you see a regular routine of withdrawal,
you should ask your partner about it and listen to his excuse. Try and
determine whether it is just an alibi or merely the truth about where he is
spending his money.
New Credit Cards
Your partner may have several credit cards that you don’t know of so the
best way to determine this is to take a quick look inside his wallet for
strange cards and take note of the numbers while he is out or while he is in
the shower. Just make sure that you place everything back to where they
were before he comes back.
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Virtual Credit Cards
Technology these days allow for people to load up their virtual credit card
accounts without any transactions showing up on the credit card statements.
The fallback with this type of system is that you have to load up your
account before you can use it. The best thing to do about this is still to
question your partner about large amounts being withdrawn from bank
accounts because he might be using this to load up his virtual credit card.
Throwing Away of Receipts
A smart cheating partner will always throw away receipt being used that
may cause your suspicion. It is therefore advisable to clean out the garbage
can one day at a time rather than do it by bulk. One easy way of doing this
is to tip off the garbage can into a bigger garbage container so that items
will get separated and you can easily see crumpled pieces of paper which
may be receipts.
New Email Accounts
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It is totally possible that your partner has created another email account for
the sole purpose of communicating with his lover. You can easily check for
new accounts by searching your ISP and checking recent sites visited or
pressing the down button on the log in page for new usernames. Once you
have this, you can then use the password detectors mentioned above to
open the new email accounts.
Switching to Prepaid
Prepaid plans do not allow for documentation of calls made. It is therefore
imperative that you convince your partner that call plan is the cheapest way
for both of you to communicate via phone. By doing so, you will be able to
access account statements anytime you want to.
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CHAPTER TWELVE:
Masked Surveillance
Infidelity is common among married couples nowadays and it is much easier
to accept the fact that the sooner you know that you are being cheated on,
the better. With the advancements of technology, new gadgets and gizmos
are making it easier for couples to detect infidelity among the household.
There is no longer need for eavesdropping or groping around in your
partner’s pockets once you get a hold of the latest technology in
surveillance.
Among the many marvelous new gadgets are:
Hidden cameras in common items such as:
• Telephone
• Cellphone
• Electric Fans
• Alarm clocks
• Wall clocks
• Pens
• Lighters
• Plants
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• Buttons
Telephone recorders
Digital voice recorders
Portable lie detectors
Sim card data recorders
These gadgets will help you determine if your spouse is cheating on you
without ever having to do the dirty work. Bearing the thought of whether
you are being cheated on is a terrible feeling therefore you need to have a
conclusion immediately. The devices listed below are just some of the most
useful gadgets available today but like any useful gadget, they come with
the price. But to know the truth, I’m sure you are willing to pay any price.
Hidden Cameras
Hidden cameras come in a variety of forms and disguises and may be
wireless or wired. This is a superb surveillance gadget because if you’re able
to properly position the hidden camera, it will be difficult to detect and you
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will be able to clearly see what your partner has been doing when you are
not looking.
These hidden cameras blend into the surroundings perfectly and can come in
all sorts of sizes and shapes. The price for this gadget varies depending on
its design and quality.
If you don’t want to draw any attention on your spy camera, you can buy
them in the form of alarm clocks, wall clocks or air purifiers for just $130-
$150. Or you can alternatively get them in the form of smoke detectors,
teddy bears, books, tissues or artificial plants for only about $100. Cameras
that can be worn on the body such as pens, buttons and other micro
cameras sell for only $150 depending on the size, color and quality.
You can visit the website below to browse freely on more surveillance
gadgets that you can easily get at reasonable prices:
http://www.spygadgets.com
Telephone Recorders
You have a good reason to spy on your partner if he frequently leaves your
side to talk with someone on the phone or if you get prank calls only if
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you’re the one answering a call. He may also speak in hushed tones and
may even speak quickly and rapidly when you are around. If this happens,
you need to know who he’s talking to and why there’s a need for him to
leave the room when he accepts the call.
Toll bills and caller IDs are sometimes not enough to prove that your partner
is cheating on you. You need to know their conversation and be able to
record them in a timely fashion to prove that he is indeed cheating on you.
The telephone recorder can record the lightest sounds upon answering a call
and ends recording when the phone is put back on the receiver. This gadget
is sold for only at $195 at www.spygadgets.com and usually can record up
to 12 hours worth of telephone conversations.
Digital Voice Recorders
If you plainly want to hear what is going on in the room and record
conversations without the benefit of spy cams and telephone recorders, then
you should get a digital voice recorder. This gadget is palm-sized and is easy
to operate without drawing too much attention. As long as you place it
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strategically, you will be able to hear all conversation going on inside that
certain room.
Sim Card Data Recorder
You partner’s life may easily be contained in his cellphone but once you can
access his cellphone activity, you will be amazed at what you will discover.
You can do this through a sim card data recorder which allows you to access
your partner’s sim and download it to a recorder. Numbers that often show
up on the phone bills and on his sim may be immediately identified as the
“other person” in his life. The sim recorder only retails for merely $10 but is
invaluable if you want to know more about your partner’s contacts.
Semen Detection Kit
Imagine if you find a stain on your bed sheet, car seat or any clothing and
you suspect it to be semen; the semen detection kit may come in handy to
conclude your suspicions. The test comes in strips and results come out
almost instantly. If a strip turns purple, then it is positively semen. Results
are guaranteed to be accurate because even forensic scientists use them.
Different types of semen detection kits are available but the most
recommended ones can be found in the links below:
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http://www.crimescene.com/store/product_info.php?products_id=67
http://www.crimebusters911.com/SemenDetection.htm
What to Avoid During Masked Surveillance
When utilizing these advanced gadgets, you need to make sure that you are
getting high-quality gadgets at reasonable costs that will give you reliable
results. Make it a point to weigh results versus the cost of the gadget.
It all depends on your budget and how much you are willing to spend to
know the truth but first; you have to ask yourself these vital questions:
• What time of the day do you think your partner is usually cheating on
you?
• Where do you suspect your partner and his lover are meeting up?
• Do you think your partner speaks to the third party over the
cellphone?
• Do you suspect that they talk to each other over the telephone?
• Do you believe that they meet up at your house while you are away?
These questions will help you decide on which gadget you should get and
where you can strategically place it. If you decide to purchase a certain
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gadget, make sure to hide any evidence that you are spying on him and
never use any joint bank account or credit card.
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CHAPTER THIRTEEN:
Tips To Flush Your Partner Out
After you have set up your surveillance gadgets, it is typical that you might
get frustrated waiting for something to happen, therefore you need to create
an opportunity for that to occur. This just means that you need to be away
from your partner or the house for some time.
A simple way creating an opportunity is to make an excuse that you have to
visit a sick relative. It doesn’t have to be a lie, just make it plausible and
believable. The point is that you have to be away for a couple of days but
never forget to turn on your surveillance gadgets before leaving home.
Another way to get things going is by sparking up an argument with your
partner detailing all the things about him that annoys you. Keep in mind
though that you must never bring up the subject of infidelity. Complain
about how lousy your sex life is, how he doesn’t have time for you anymore
or how he is not earning enough and after that, immediately leave the house
when you’re sure that your gadgets are in place. Most probably your partner
will have the need to vent out emotions and seek for his lover to stroke his
bruised ego.
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One other fun way to do it is to see how your partner would react if you told
him that you might have contracted some sort of STD. This will spark a blind
panic within him at the thought of not only having the STD but also
contracting the disease to you because of his lover. Chances are, your
partner will definitely find a way to contact his lover so they can go and get
tested.
It’s up to you on how you can create an opportunity for your partner to
contact and be with his lover. You just have to make it a point that your
excuses are reasonable and that your gadgets are functional so you can
gather enough evidence and prove that he really is indeed cheating on you.
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CHAPTER FOURTEEN:
Liars
How can you tell if your partner is lying to you? Several ways exist to detect
a liar but for those who have lived their lives lying most of the time, it may
be hard to point out. Listed below are some tips that may come in handy so
you will be able to determine and point out a liar when you see one.
Subconscious actions and words will always find their way out. Liars may try
to hide it but because they are too busy concentrating on the lies, they tend
to slip up. You can tell that someone is telling a lie if his story is so detailed,
you don’t even need to ask questions afterwards. Liars tend to talk quickly
and don’t want to be interrupted while they are talking because they might
forget what they have rehearsed if they do talk slowly and allow pauses.
If you get the chance to ask a question, the liar always hesitates before
answering it because the answer needs to correspond to his alibi. Most of
the time, the liar will manifest selective hearing and would usually say
“Pardon?” even if he clearly heard the sentence, allowing him time to make
up an alibi answer. Liars get thrown off by questions because they don’t get
to plan ahead and rehearse their answers.
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Here are some obvious signs that tell if a person is lying to you:
• Flushed face or nervousness. Nervousness can betray a liar because as
his heart pumps faster, adrenalin increases too and all the blood
rushes to their faces causing red cheeks, neck and ears.
• Fast blinking. The faster the blinking, the more their eyes will be
closed making them think that the problem will go away after they
open their eyes.
• No eye contact. The eyes show a lot of expression. No eye contact
means that the person listening to the lie might not recognize the lie.
It’s much easier for a liar to tell a lie when they don’t hold eye contact
or if the person they are lying to cannot see their face.
• Crossed arms. Crossing of arms is a sign of defensiveness. There’s
nothing to be defensive about if they are not lying right?
• Moving hands. Their hands move from one thing to another, either
pulling, grasping, or itching something. That way they don’t have to
look at you when they’re lying.
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CHAPTER FIFTEEN:
Detecting Lies
The time when you are to confront your partner about infidelity will
eventually come because uncertainty is the worst feeling of all. You have to
become a human lie detector and know when he is lying or when he’s not to
avoid more distrust and withdrawal.
Difference Between Women and Men
You have to understand the difference of how men and women lie in order to
determine if your partner is lying to you.
Men usually lie because they want to look good in other people’s eyes while
women lie in order to conform to society’s expectations. This means that
men really don’t care what other people will see as long as they feel good
about themselves.
Key Identifiers
You need to know your partner well enough so you can point out subtle
changes in behavior that may be signs that he is lying to you. The main
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point is you have to be observant and look for actions, behavior and
gestures that are out of the ordinary.
Your partner will usually act the opposite of what he usually is if he is lying
to you. If he usually talks fast, he may speak slowly and carefully. If he
usually looks you in the eye when he’s talking, his gaze might wander
somewhere else. If he’s usually calm, chances are he might act twitchy and
irritated. If he does these while you’re talking to him, you have to get the
truth out of him.
Body Language
Like the old saying goes: action speaks louder than words. Upon
confrontation, body actions may betray the liar making you discover if they
are trying to cover up something. Actions out of the ordinary are usually
signs of lying. Listed below are some common gestures that may betray a
liar’s words:
• Crossed arms or legs
• Fast blinking or eye movements
• Continuous fidgeting
• Constant rubbing of eyes
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• Eyes usually focused to the right (which means they are using the
creative side of the brain to make up believable stories)
• Playing with hair
• Tugging of earlobes
• Touching of the lips, nose or mouth
• Holding on to an object or gripping knee, arm or ankle while sitting
• Usually looks up
• Expressions and language don’t usually match what is being said
• Tapping of feet or drumming of fingers
• Constant scratching
They say that if a person avoids eye contact, you can tell that he’s lying but
everyone knows this already and would usually psyche out the person they
are lying to by providing constant eye contact.
Behavior and Attitudes
Upon confrontation, a deviation in behavior may indicate that it is indeed a
lie. Listed below are some behavioral attitudes that may reveal that he is
lying:
• Usually hesitates
• Smugness
• Manifests a nervous laugh
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• Has an uncommon sense of calmness
• Stories being told are inconsistent
• Provides extreme amounts of information even if they are not
necessary
Conversation
When being confronted, the person might act defensively and will try to
explain his way out of the tight corner. Because he is too busy thinking
quickly of what to say and how to react, the signs below may be
inadvertently manifested:
• A change in the voice pitch; either slower and lower or higher and
faster
• A change in the speed of speech
• Accusations are constantly denied
• Futile efforts to distract you by interrupting your conversation
• Weird choice of words or unusual structuring of sentences
• Constant stalling of sentences with words such as “uhmm”, “well” and
“you know”.
• Emphasizing of the word “not” in his sentences
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Lie Detectors
Technology has made it simpler for the world to detect liars. It is not
necessary to wire up your partner to a machine to determine if he’s lying. All
that is needed is his voice. The portable lie detector analyzes the stress in
your partner’s voice. The gadget however needs 10 samples of your
partner’s voice talking in a normal tone so it will be able to build a profile.
His voice will be analyzed and will display results at levels of “truth” and
“stressed”. This gadget does not substitute for the polygraph machine but
will help you determine variations in your partner’s voice which will reveal if
he is lying to you.
A sample of this gadget is can be obtained at:
http://www.spygadgets.com
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CHAPTER SIXTEEN:
Secret Communication
If your partner is having an affair with someone else, they will always try
and communicate with each other secretly through cell phones, home
phones, pagers and computers. Start paying close attention if he’s always
checking for calls, emails or text messages and ask yourself these questions
in the process:
• Does your partner leave the room to accept a call?
• Does your partner draw away from you they are reading a text
message?
• Does your partner receive text messages during late hours and does
he stay up late and instantly reply to these messages?
• Has your partner ever received a text message, waited a little while,
and gone out without ever letting you know or inviting you to come
with him?
If you have answered yes to these questions, then you have all the right in
the world to be suspicious. Your partner need not hide his phone from you if
he has nothing to be guilty of.
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Another obvious sign is when you keep getting prank calls if you’re the one
answering the phone. Your partner’s lover might be expecting your partner
to be the one who will answer the phone. One solution to his is to tell your
partner that you’ve been getting too many prank calls lately and that you’re
going to the phone company to get the number. Chances are, your partner
will freak out and convince you not to do it. The calls might stop to because
he might warn his lover about this. Even so, you still can go to the phone
company and get the number. Wait for a few weeks to pass and call up that
number stating that you were just worried because you’re getting a lot of
prank calls from the same number.
If your partner picks up the home phone and goes out of the room, they
obviously don’t want you to hear their conversation. If they have been
speaking on the phone for quite some time already, handle the situation by
quietly picking up the phone and listening quickly to what the conversation is
about. Do not listen for too long though. Dial a number and if they react,
quickly apologize and pretend you didn’t know there was someone on the
phone, then hang up. You now have an idea of who your partner is talking to
and whether they are more than friends.
Another sign that your partner and his lover may be secretly communicating
is when your partner denies being on the phone after he has been on it for
quite some time. You can also casually ask who called and if he makes up an
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excuse and denies knowing that person, then you know that something is
up.
The computer is also one method of communication because of the existence
of many chat rooms and emails. Watch how much time your partner spends
on the computer and decipher his expressions and reactions. If he appears
excited or happy even if he says he’s doing some office work, be vigilant.
You can handle the situation by surprising him with a hug or a warm cup of
coffee plus a compliment that they have been working long and hard. If your
partner fumbles or tries to shut something down, then there is something he
doesn’t want you to see.
If your partner owns a beeper and gets secretive every time they get a beep
or if your partner rushes off with a lame excuse at the sound of it, have all
the reasons in the world to suspect that he is hiding something.
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CHAPTER SEVENTEEN:
Performing Reverse Cell Phone Lookups
You might be suspecting a certain number that keeps coming up on your
phone bills or your partner’s cell phone account statement. If you are
interested in knowing who the person behind your partner’s phone call is,
this chapter will tell you how to do it. Several options exist and all you need
to do is read and learn.
Outlined below are the simple steps to reveal who the caller is through
Google inquiry:
1. First thing you will need is a computer with an internet connection. At
this point, we will be utilizing information available on the web to trace
down who the caller is.
2. Go to www.google.com and type in the number that you are
suspecting to be your partner’s lover.
The results might show up to be too broad and it’s up to you on how
much time you are willing to spend on investigating. You can however
narrow down the search by placing the number between quotation
marks, example “123456789”.
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You can vary the search words you enter in Google too such as
determining what state the area code is and replacing the first 3
numbers with the area code.
You can also type in spaces between the numbers to see if some
interesting information would come up.
The key here is to use a variety of keywords to ensure that you are
covering a wider area of possibilities in your search.
3. Browse through the results showing up and if something interesting
catches your attention, research more about it.
Another way to reveal the person behind the phone number is to go to
www.boardtracker.com – a search engine which displays information
gathered specifically from forums, discussion boards and chat rooms. The
same thing goes: type in number, hit search button, and vary search words
or key words to get more information.
Your third option is to go to social networking sites such as
www.myspace.com or www.facebook.com and type in that certain number.
See if any profile shows up and begin your exploration about this person
there.
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The search methods above are free to use but if you still have no luck in
finding out the identity of the caller you can opt for the steps below:
1. Give up your search
2. Invest a little amount on money on search engines specifically created
to detect phone numbers such as:
• www.CatchSpouseCheating.com/reversephone/
• www.CatchSpouseCheating.com/reversemobile/ (for cell phones)
The results that show up here are reliable but if no results show up, no fee
will be charged from you. For a small price to pay, you will be able to
determine the person behind your partner’s phone calls.
These are just some of the most effective ways to trace the caller and how
to do a reverse phone number lookup. Break away from your doubts and
suspicions by using these simple yet effective ways of revealing the caller’s
identity.
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CHAPTER EIGHTEEN:
Setting Up A Free Lie Detector on Your Partner’s Phone
Long ago, lie detectors were exclusively used by forensic scientists but
technology these days have made the gadget available to anyone who
wishes to detect a lie when they hear one.
I now introduce you to the first telephone-based lie detector software
program which you can get for free – KishKish. In just a matter of seconds,
you can download this program and install it as an add-on to Skype – a
global internet-based phone system.
The KishKish lie detection concept is based on the Voice Stress Analysis
theory which detects lies when there is a high level of stress on the voice
apart from truth which shows low levels of stress. It only takes 10 seconds
for the KishKish program to analyze the level of stress in your partner’s
voice in real time; therefore you can see the results through graphs and
lights working while your partner is speaking.
The program isn’t entirely hidden though. Every time you converse with
someone, a message pops out on Skype informing that the program might
be in use. This can have a positive effect because your partner might cough
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up the truth once they know that they are being monitored. You can also
manually activate the program by clicking the Skype options Call >> Do
More, and then choosing the KishKish icon. Apart from that, you also have
the option to record the calls and analyze them on KishKish at your
convenience.
Not all lie detectors are 100% reliable so it’s much better to back up gut
instinct with the KishKish application. If the results correspond and point out
that your partner is indeed lying, then further investigation I advisable.
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CHAPTER NINETEEN:
Retrieving Deleted Text Messages
A cheap and user-friendly software now exists for you to retrieve deleted
text messages on your partner’s cell phone. Not only does the software give
you both inbox and outbox messages from the cell phone SIM, it can also
produce a list of all calls that have been recently deleted including all contact
numbers contained in it.
The software has been designed with “home users” or non-technical people
in mind which makes it simple and easy to manipulate. Within a minute, you
will be able to retrieve information. The software can be used on any SIM
cad, regardless of what country and is compatible with Microsoft XP, 2003,
XP Media Center2005, Longhorn, Vista, 2000, NT, ME and 98. Although it’s a
read-only software, it still allows printing out of information retrieved from
the SIM.
The software however doesn’t work on a locked SIM so make sure you don’t
unintentionally lock the SIM by entering several wrong PIN codes.
Because the software is designed to read damaged, corrupted and crashed
SIMs, you need not worry about anything. All data can still be retrieved even
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if the SIM is reformatted. All you need is just the SIM and the ability to
follow the user guide included in the software. The instructions are clear and
simple and within a matter of minutes, you will be able to retrieve deleted
text messages, deleted calls, inbox and outbox messages and also the
complete list of numbers on your partner’s SIM.
To purchase this software, you can type in “undelete deleted text messages”
in Google or you can visit their official website at
http://www.filerecovery.in/filerecovery/sim-card.asp .
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CHAPTER TWENTY:
The Other Person
You still have to deal with the “other person” at one point or another.
Usually, it could be someone you’ve known briefly, a neighbor, a friend or
worse a relative. If this is the case, your relationship with that “other
person” will definitely change dramatically.
If perchance it indeed is a relative or friend, it is quite obvious that you will
not be able to forgive that person easily. A true friend or family member will
never attempt to hurt you but if they did this to you, it is understandable for
you to be angry. Just make sure that you don’t make a scene if you see both
of them in a social gathering or out publicly.
If you are in a social gathering and people see this situation, they might feel
awkward about it. But never let your emotions control you. Do not make any
nasty remarks or foul actions because it might stop people from having a
good time. There is always an appropriate time to start an argument but a
social gathering is not one of those moments.
What you need to do is to try and put the situation out of your mind. Think
of your friends and the reason that you are there to have a good time. If
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your partner sees that you are happy even with the situation, they will feel
guilty and recall the good times you had together making them even guiltier.
Make it a point to avoid letting your friends choose which side they are on
because your friends are his friends too. Doing so will cause a scene and
sooner or later, your friends won’t even take the chance anymore at inviting
both of you to any social event or gathering.
You must also consider if the “other person” know that you exist or if your
partner is married to you. It would be quite unfair if both of you turn out to
be the ones cheated on. Even if you hate the “other person” at the moment,
let them know the situation, who you are and what your partner is doing.
Chances are, that “other person” will leave your partner.
However, if the “other person” knows about you, then that person is as bad
as your cheating partner. You see, it takes two to tango. From your point of
view though, your partner will come out as the more evil being since he is
the one who is emotionally attached to you whereas the lover has no
emotional ties to you. At this point, you still have to tell the “other person”
about your role and existence in your partner’s life. That way, you come out
to be emotionally attached to the person making the “other person” guilty
for breaking the bond between your spouse and you.
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If you want to meet up or call the “other person” to settle things, make sure
that you are prepared and you already know what to say. It is also advisable
that you bring a friend along so he/she will remind you of what you want to
say and control the situation if things come out worse.
The thing is to appear emotional and let the “other person” realize that they
have done something terrible in your marriage. Do not rant, cuss or be nasty
because the “other person” might think that you don’t deserve your partner
at all for being that way. I know that your anger at this point is
overwhelming but it’s better to let that person anticipate your outburst and
not receive it. Earn the other person’s respect by being calm so that person
will know who the boss is.
Keep in mind to take matters carefully when you’re dealing with your
partner’s lover. This might come out to be legally dangerous if you take
revenge on the lover rather than your partner. Your partner can forgive you
if you have done something wrong but a lover won’t hold back on taking
legal actions if prompted to.
After all, you come out to be the better person than the two of them. You
get to walk away with dignity and pride, not shrivel up with shame and guilt.
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CHAPTER TWENTYONE:
Finances
As previously mentioned, if you have joint bank accounts you might notice
large amounts of money missing from your account and you know you’re not
the one spending it all. This might be because your partner is splurging out
on gifts, lunches, dinners and hotel rooms without your knowledge about it.
You have every right to inquire where the money is going to if you observe
several entries in your statement that you don’t know about. If your birthday
or anniversary is coming up, wait till after that and pounce in after nothing
special comes up. This just proves that your partner is spending on
something else other than you and the house.
It is never acceptable if your partner gets defensive and doesn’t have an
explanation when large amounts of money have been withdrawn from your
account. As a couple, you need to talk about it and determine what your
finances are and where the money is going.
If you and your partner don’t have joint accounts and all of a sudden money
becomes a problem, determine if regular bills are the cause. If not and none
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of you has recently lost a job then something probably is draining the money
out of his bank account.
As mentioned in the previous chapters, rummage through pockets and
compartments and look for old receipts to detail an account of what he has
been spending on. Keep a note of all the receipts you see so you can build a
profile and determine his routine.
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CHAPTER TWENTYTWO:
When Your Partner Leaves
Why Your Partner Leaves
At some point in a relationship, there will come a time that you will evaluate
what you’ve been through with your partner and whether you’re willing to go
through it again. Some people may realize that they don’t feel the same way
anymore but don’t want to tell their partners because they don’t know why
and can’t explain why they feel that way. No one wants to start a fuss about
relationship matters that’s why no one wants to be the first to talk about it.
These matters may be come out to be harsh and bottling up your emotions
isn’t working anymore forcing you to leave which hurts your partner even
more that if you’ve just said what you felt about the relationship. However, if
you voice out your emotions, you end up realizing that you sound silly or
you realize that your feelings have changed. You’re lucky though if your
partner will be there to help you sort out your emotions and let you see the
light.
There are many reasons why people tend to leave a relationship even if
there are important matters or children involved in the situation. Some
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people return to their partner’s arms while others move even further away
than they have ever been from their partner.
Decisions can be influenced by different people putting pressure on the
situation. A person might want more commitment from their partner pushing
them further away because they might think they’re not ready or do not
have enough to show at the moment. Friends and family may also influence
the situation and push your partner further away from you because of the
fear of not meeting the expectations.
There are also times that divorced and separated friends and relatives will
convince you to end your own relationship because of what they have
experienced. They will try and remind you how good and exciting it is to be
single again and how you can be free from worrying about your partner.
Depression and other psychological and emotional conditions also play a
major role in your relationship. Nobody really knows the overt symptoms
which can change how a person looks at things and views on life. People
may tend to think irrationally and may do unexplainable actions that they
will soon regret doing. These conditions may affect a relationship more than
you think it can and visiting a doctor or specialist on this matter can help
you a lot.
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Addictions such as gambling, alcoholism and smoking can also be reasons
why a partner decides to leave a relationship. Although an addiction is much
easier to deal with because it can easily be hidden from your partner, it still
affects greatly if the person with an addiction falls deep into it and feels that
they have to choose between their addiction and their relationship.
Addictions play the role of an escape from the rest of the world, including an
escape from the relationship they are in.
Among all the reasons of why a partner leaves a relationship, having an
affair with another person is the worst case of all. Don’t hold them back
though. Let them go.
Do not let your partner use you instead, let them be together. They deserve
each other because your partner cheated on you and their lover indulged in
a forbidden relationship even if they know you exist. Right from the very
start, they are just fooling each other. Problems on infidelity will sooner or
later arise because right from the beginning, they built their relationship
upon it.
There may be cases where the reason for leaving may be an emotional scar
that your partner has had. They might have not gotten over a past issue and
is now afraid to get committed with you because of the fear of getting too
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attached or getting hurt by you. No matter how often and how hard you
assure them that it won’t happen again, they will still constantly think that
you will do it to them. This dilemma cannot be treated overnight so you will
need a counselor to help both of you go through this stage.
You always have the opportunity to learn so try and communicate with your
partner. Do not attack them and listen to them so you’ll know their side.
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CHAPTER TWENTYTHREE:
Family and Friends
The most difficult part when you find out that your partner is cheating on
you is the part where you tell your friends and family about it. This is
something that is not easy to bring up in conversations but you need to do
so in order to get insights and support from them. The fallback though is the
risk of ruining the previous relationship that has been built between your
partner and your friends and family.
If there are children involved, make it a point to keep a good relationship
with your partner’s parents if possible. Your children might lose their sense
of family if they don’t see their grandparents too. Try and be in good terms
with your partner’s parents at all times. Talk to them about the situation.
They might feel embarrassed because it’s one of their own you are talking
about and you can either continue being friends with them or they will try
and support your partner in the situation. Whatever their decision is, do not
pressure them because it is a hard decision and try to keep an open mind.
Your side of the family is involved in the situation too whether they like it or
not. Make sure you do not badmouth your partner when you’re telling your
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side of the story so things don’t turn out worse than they are. Your family
needs to be there for you and support you during this crisis.
Depending on how well your partner got on with your family, determines
how your family will react to the situation. It is up to them to decide if they
still want to see your partner or they want to remain I contact with your
partner. Let your family make their own decision and respect whatever it is
they decide upon.
Once your partner has betrayed you, they too have betrayed your family. If
you feel hurt, your family will feel the same too because they have also built
a relationship with your partner. Whatever the outcome, see this as a
chance to bring your family closer together.
One of the most difficult lessons to learn after you’ve learned about your
partner cheating on you is when someone tells you “I told you so”. Don’t let
this get to you because it already happened and you’ve learned from it. In
reality, it’s easier to give advice on other people’s relationships but when it
comes to your own, you don’t exactly know what you should do and how you
should react. You can learn from other people’s mistakes but it’s much
better to learn from your own experience. You know your partner better
than other people do that’s why it’s hard to take advice from other people. If
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you think you think you love someone, you know you got to have hard proof
before accusing them.
Another hard point to come by is having mutual friends. Never pressure your
friends to choose between the both of you because it’s not fair. It is your
partner who cheated on you, not your friends. Bullying them into choosing
your side might turn out to be your loss. Allow them the freedom to decide.
If they want to be friends still with both of you, do not talk nasty things
about your partner in front of them. They might think you are trying to
poison their mind in joining your army.
If both you and your partner have introduced friends to each other, you
don’t have to stop being friends with them and neither does he. Just be
assured that whatever the decision, you are the better person between you
and your partner.
If you can’t get the word out but want to, tell a close friend how you are
feeling and let that friend tell a few more of your friends. Do not linger on
the fact that your partner cheated on you. Let people know that it is a thing
of the past and that you have moved on.
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CHAPTER TWENTYFOUR:
What To Do When Your Partner Leaves
When your partner leaves you, you might get mixed emotions and most
probably your mind will be overworked. One moment you’re angry because
of what he’s done and the next thing you know you’re sad because you don’t
know how to live without him.
Let me tell you that you have to know what you want right from the very
beginning so you can be in control the moment your partner leaves you.
Try and react as calmly as you can the moment he decides to leave. Even if
you want to let all your anger out by screaming at him, let him know that
the right thing for him to do is to leave. Do not ignore your emotions though
because it might erupt at the moment of intense anger. Be in control at that
moment and let him know that you are doing the right thing by making him
leave.
Bottling up of your emotions can be difficult so you need to look for someone
who can listen to you and won’t judge you and your actions. If you can’t find
a friend that can be trusted in this time of need, there are many help lines
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available. Just make sure that you vent out your emotions because you will
never know what you really feel as long as you don’t talk to someone.
What you should never do the moment your partner leaves is to chase him
and beg him back. Not only will this put pressure on your partner, he will
also think that you are not listening to yourself or him at all. He left for a
reason and you both need time to be away from each other. Apart from
appearing weak, your partner might also think you are desperate. It will
appear like you need them and that you rely on them to live on. This is not
at all attractive to the opposite sex. The best thing you can do is to stay
strong so they will wonder why you are not wallowing in sorrow and might
want to be a part of your life again. Showing your partner that you don’t
miss him can earn his respect. And respect goes a long way in any
relationship.
The only time that you should chase after your partner is when you know
you have done something wrong to push him away. If you want your partner
to come back, let them know that you are willing to change and you will put
all your efforts into changing for the better. After you have explained your
side, allow your partner some time to think about it. If he decides to think
about the both of you, this just goes to show that your partner cares about
the relationship and is willing to evaluate what has gone wrong. Keep all
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means of communication open during this time and wait for your partner to
come to you.
With regards to finances, call your bank and settle your joint account. You
will need to live a life on your own now with your children if you have some.
Money is still important and you need to make sure everyone has the right
share in their bank accounts because you both own that money.
If children are involved in the situation, make sure that you have the time to
explain to them what is going on. Don’t leave them in the dark and as much
as possible, answer their questions. They need someone they can trust right
now and you need to be that for them. Bring them to someone they like but
be with them most of the time.
At this point, you still need a good lawyer, preferably one that has been
recommended by a trusted friend. Even if you don’t need one, you still need
to know about your rights and can be prepared for whatever legal battle
there is to come.
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CHAPTER TWENTYFIVE:
The Aftermath
How To Recover After Your Partner Leaves
Your world might have revolved around your partner before he left and it
may seem like time is not moving after he leaves the relationship but this is
not the case at all. You have two options to choose on how to handle the
aftermath of this event. You can either wallow in the depressing realm of self
pity or you can move on and realize that life is fun and you don’t need
someone to make you feel good about yourself.
They say time heals all wounds and as cliché as it may sound, it is
completely true. You may think that it will take longer for your wounds to
heal but realize that at some point, you will then be free to think of other
things. You will have work or hobbies that will bring you joy and you will
eventually have less time to think about your ex-partner.
The biggest secret to getting over it is to keep yourself busy. Have yourself
surrounded with friends and family who love you. They understand what you
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are going through so never hesitate to visit them or be with them once in a
while.
You can also join social groups such as sports teams, running groups or
coffee clubs. These activities will keep you busy as well as earn you new
friends. Do not force yourself to be with someone. At this point, you can stil
go out for a movie, enjoy a meal or just be with yourself without the need
for someone to hold your hand.
It is important that you have a support person who you can call anytime to
vent out your emotions. Do not worry if you repeat the same words and
same ideas over and over again because obviously you have been hurt and
you need to talk about it so you can be relieved. Allow criticisms from this
person because nobody is perfect and maybe you have done something
wrong to cause the situation. Be open minded when speaking to someone
about what has happened to you.
If talking to a support person doesn’t help and keeping yourself busy makes
you even more lonely, call up an expert counselor because they will know
what to do and what to say to you. Techniques exist for you to forget the
pain and you don’t need to worry because everything between you and the
counselor will be kept confidential.
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If you have children, try and maintain a stable environment. Do not confuse
them by moving to another city or transferring them to another school. Let
them know that you are there and that you love them and will not be leaving
them like your partner has. If they want to see your partner, let them. Do
not deprive them from that. Do not let them suffer because of your hurt and
anger to your spouse. What you can do best as a parent is to respect their
decision and support them with whatever it is they choose.
Don’t let your ex-partner see that you can’t survive without them. Let them
realize that you are strong and you can stand alone. This will make them
wonder why you are so happy and why you have gotten over them easily.
Another way to feel good about yourself is to list down your personal goals
and outlook and try to accomplish each one of them. You can also put a
closure to your relationship with your ex-partner by listing down things you
don’t like about them and burning it.
When you feel like you’re ready to get out and mingle with the opposite sex,
do so. This does not necessarily mean that you have to date again. You just
need to get used to the social scene again after the event you have just
gone through. You can ask for your friends’ advice but let them know you
just want to mingle, not date. Make it clear that you will date someday but
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not today because I am pretty sure they are itching to hook you up with
someone.
When you’re ready to date though, let your close friends know. If you don’t
like to be set up on individual dates, ask your friends throw a singles party
but tell them not to let anyone know that you are on the lookout for
someone.
Dealing With a Partner Who Decides To Return
If your partner decides to come back, you have to evaluate the situation and
realize that everything is back to ground zero. It will take time for both of
you to regain the trust and in some way, you have to deal with several
issues before you get back on the intimate level again. It takes time to fix
something if you want it to functionally work because like everything else, if
you quick fix it, it won’t last long.
The first thing to do is to get a relationship counselor. Getting one isn’t a
waste of money because these counselors are professionals who have
studied relationships for years. You might be amazed at what the three of
you will discover in you and your partner’s relationship. Counselors will help
both of you to communicate effectively with each other because
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communication is important in all relationships. Sometimes, it takes an
outsider to make you realize important things about your relationship with
your partner.
Talk with your partner. Settle your issues and communicate both of your
sides without involving accusations and judgments about each other. Talk
about what you felt when he left and how life was after that. Be open with
your partner because this is the key to understanding each other. Avoid
yelling because it will lead to an argument. It’s okay to cry though because
then your partner will see how much they have hurt you.
Both of you should realize that considerable efforts should be done to re-
establish the relationship. Equal amount of effort should come from both of
you and do not hesitate to point out if you think your partner is not trying
hard enough to make things work.
Because you have accepted your partner back into your life, let him know
that you are not to be used. Just because you have forgiven your partner
doesn’t mean he can hurt you again. Let your partner know that you won’t
take him back if he decides to do it again. Be firm or else your partner will
think that you can easily be manipulated.
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Ground rules should be set up this time around but make sure both of you
are happy to live by these rules. Commitment to the rules can strengthen
your commitment to each other.
Make sure that you and your partner have quality time to be with each
other. Quality time doesn’t merely mean that you are just under the same
roof but it is something that you both share together doing something you
enjoy in the company of each other. You have to put efforts to make each
other happy when it comes to quality time.
Never forget to sit down with the children and ask their opinion about you
and your partner getting back together. Let them know that it is okay to
express their thoughts and ask them what changes they want to see. If they
appear to be holding back, convince them to share their thoughts. Being a
family basically means communicating effectively and sharing thoughts with
each other.
Whatever the result of this event in your life, either way you must make no
mistake about it. With or without a partner, there is no other way to go but
forward.
If you remain true to yourself and as long as you have the support of
friends, family and counselors, you will survive.
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