VOLUME IV, ISSUE 10 JANUARY 29, 2009FOR SOME REASON, STILL RECIEVING UNIVERSITY FUNDING

John Q. On History! Page 2Twins Finally Conjoined! Page 3

Facebook Expands Empire! Page 3‘Notorious’ Rocks Rap World! Page 4

Today: You create a man out of snow, coal and carrots.This Weekend: Eternal punishment by God for actions. Expected to continue into next week.

TheBlowfish

Inside This Issue

JOKE OF THE WEEK:Q: What kind of tree frows in your hand?

A: A Palm Tree!

NOTE FROM THE EDITORS:

Read us online! www.blowmyfish.com!

GAZA NEWS:

CAMPUS NEWS:

CHINESE NEWS:

ZOO NEWS:

SPORTS NEWS:

“HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED” NEWS:

Palestinian aid requests from Israel: “More Rockets.”

Page 7

Humorous observa-tions on the differ-ences between white presidents and black presidents.Page “Drive like this”

Golf team eliminated because of damage to course: Gophers, Bill Murray, to blame.

Page 1980

Zoos denied funding in stimulus package; fresh ivory sales skyrocket.Page $9.99/lb

World snickers as China celebrates New Year’s entire month late.Page Of The Ox

BY DANIEL PIPESStaff Writer

TODAY’S WEATHER

ART APPARENTLY WORTH MONEYThe Rose Art Museum is being closed down due to some saucy scandal-- The Blowfish has exclusive coverage

Felicidades! Que al parecer hablan Español!

MAJOR CHANGES ON THE WAYBecause somehow it saves money, Brandeis is making the major decleration process totally weird

BY STEVE OHResident Lunatic

Brandeis University endured a bad breakup with its donors this week, causing University to get rid of everything the donors had ever bought for it. “They just haven’t been caring for me lately,” lamented University. “I have needs, and they haven’t been fulfilling them. They won’t buy me the things I want, they pretend I don’t exist... I’ve been beginning to think there’s another institution.” Brandeis’s immediate reaction was to throw out all the things the donors have ever given it. Brandeis’s parents, however, thought it would be more constructive to hold a garage sale, with the added benefit of getting University some much needed cash. “After all, our little Brandeis hasn’t been able to hold down a job for quite a while,” clucked Mrs. University. According to longtime family friend Jeh------nharz, who asked that his name be cored like an apple to protect his identity, this could be a symptom of a more general anxiety about fi-nances. “Brandeis is just stressed,” nharz con-fided. “University has split with its donors be-fore and always saw the light. It’s one of those crazy, on-again, off-again, torrid affair kind of things. Basically, University is Penelope Cruz in Vicky Christina Barcelona, the donors are

Javier Bardem, and, well, I guess that makes me Scarlett Johansson.

W h i c h explains why I sometimes feel like

such a

sexy vixen. Why are you writing this down?” Nathanial Usdan, one of Brandeis’s donors, admitted that he was “quite surprised” by the way he was dumped like “Cave-men” from the fall lineup. Ac-cording to Usdan, Brandeis has been acting “spoiled” as of late: “With the economic crisis, I’ve been trying to cut back. But with Brandeis it’s always ‘I have to re-build my admissions center’ and ‘I need JFK’s speechwriter to come analyze the speech Barack Obama hasn’t given yet.’ Then it comes time to pay for academics and we have to go without brand-name majors because someone has spent all the money.” Other donors have also criticized University’s “need-iness.” One anonymous donor said, “It’s so hard to keep an insti-tution with 3,200 undergrads and 2,100 graduate students pleased--especially in the bedroom.” The wanton sales include many things University thought it would never get rid of. But as Brandeis says, “I just can’t stand looking at the Rose Art Museum, it has got to go. And every time I see another student using merit money on study abroad it reminds me of those [expletive deleted] donors.” Some are saying that University may end up giv-ing away more than is wise. “Oh, sure,

it starts with museums and scholar-ships,” stated one wiseacre,

“but soon you realize that your whole academic system, food services and housing programs are just brutal reminders of your failed relation-ship. What do you do then?” While the answer may not be “sell it all,” no one is sure what it should be. But the real victims in this split are, as always, the children. Deprived of their doting donors,

Brandeis students aren’t living the lives of luxury they once were. “Like, just be-cause our parents are in a fight, we can’t have an art museum? Are you serious?! Everybody has an art museum! Even frea-kin’ Smith College has an art museum! Smith!” wailed Rachel Wailer, ‘10. Other students were worried about the closing of the Reitman dorm, regarding it to be “like the baby room I grew up in! And they’re gonna close it down? And maybe TEACH in it? Is nothing holy?” These weren’t the only things students told us, but they were the most hilarious. But perhaps freshman Connor Conway said it best: “I mean, I understand times are tough. Mom and Dad are going through a rough spot, so we’re gonna have to cut back a little on frills like the art museum. But when University does things like re-strict study abroad, or decrease major of-ferings, or solicit donations from current undergraduates, well... it kinda makes me want to run away and join the circus. Or just go to a state school.”

The university has recently an-nounced that due to the current eco-nomic crisis and the fallout of the Madoff scandal, it will begin a pro-gram to restructure the undergradu-ate majors. In addition, the university will now require a summer session for graduation. Although the univer-sity has been unclear on how exactly this will save money, they assure all students and potential students that it will. The majors will be divided into meta-majors, quasi-majors and minor-majors. When combined, several of these “minor-ma-jors” (not to be con-fused with “minors”) can be used to com-plete a single major. Each minor-major, or “minor” for short, can be combined with others to com-plete an overarching, umbrella major, with a concentration in a certain area. This concentration would be recorded as a stu-dent’s major-minor, not to be confused with minors, majors or minor-majors. Minors will exist

then in a supplemental degree, aiding the qua-si-majors and working alongside the minors. Students can still double major, but this will now be called a bi-quasi-major and will result from combining a total of eight minors, with the option of always declaring minors. “It’s a natural reaction to the economic situ-ation,” said university spokesperson Laurel N. Hardy. “By making the major program as fucking complicated as possible, it will scare away any potential, and costly, students. I mean, sure, they spend so much money buy-ing gallons and gallons of useless ‘points,’ but they never pick up after themselves. And they steal from the C-Store! Don’t think I don’t see them!” Many students underestimated the effect

that stealing from the C-Store would have on the university budget as a whole. Though students will often casually take a pint of ice cream or a handful of candy, they fail to see how $2 here and $8 there will eventually lead to a $2 million deficit. “Why do they have to take so many gummy bears?!” yelled out Jehuda Reinharz on his morning jog past the Campus Center. “Carl and Ruth can only give so much!” The effects of C-Store shoplifting has also had a detrimental effect on the study abroad program. Students wish-ing to study abroad have been forced to live in sub-par housing like the

Village and the Cob Woods, the forgotten dorms buried deep in the spooky woods be-hind the IBS. Rumor has it that they have baths instead of show-ers, and the baths never work. The hallways leak blood and every other door contains an undead body. Although The Blowfish sent re-porters to verify these claims, none returned. It is suspected that they were ambushed by Skeleton Archers and spiders of exaggerated size.

We photographed this student just as he heard the news. Then we dropped in film in

a puddle.

If you look carefully, you can find the thief, hiding secretly!

Short Ridgewood residents frusturated by heigh of micro-wave.Page 5’ 2”

YO, GET THIS:The Blowfish is not a real newspaper, and as such con-tains completely fictional articles. No articles or quotes are truthful by any means and should not be conceived as such. All photos courtesy of the Internet (public domain) and staff.

PAGE 2- OPINIONCome See Me Sometime,

When You’ve Got No Class

BY JOHN Q. PUBICAmerican

SLICE OF APPLE PIE

Photo Poll:What will the University cut next?

“My hair! Honk Honk!” -Jehuda Reinharz

“Class!!!”- Senior

“No cutting!” - Small Child

“I’ll tell you what they should be cut-ting: Proofs of purchase from Nestles’ bars! You get eight and they send you a hat!” - Old Timey Capitalist

“Hopefully Mondays.”- Garfield

“The blue wire! No, no, the red wire!”- Jack Bauer

I was able to interpret the dense and obscure symbolism and question why the fuck no one was more upset that Gregor woke up and was a big fucking bug. Your son is a giant cock-roach! Act more freaked out!

NEWS IN BRIEF

Judah Druck (AWOL)Alex Norris

Daniel OrkinSam Roos

Editors

Jesse AppellAlex Braver

Jackie Feinberg

Erika GellerJordan GoodnoughBen Swartz

Staff

Thank You For Reading

Devon HermenauCaroline HughesEthan MermelsteinAmanda Segal

Contributors

When I was in the fifth grade, my favorite subject was history. By this point in my life, I had realized the pointlessness, and frankly boringness, of all other subjects. None of them could compete with the sheer power and excitement of history. Sure, math and sci-ence were interesting, but it’s not like the number three ever shot somebody in a duel. And no protons ever gave their inaugural speech in the rain without a coat and died of pneumonia a month later. How interested can you be in boring stuff like math and science? On top of all of that, history is just plain better than every other subject because technically it contains everything, even math and science. Say, for instance, Sir Isaac Newton discovers gravity. This creates science, but it happened in history. As did everything, including me writing it and you reading it. History fascinated me much more than English did because it was real. History really happened, while a book, like Huckleberry Finn or Elie Wiesel’s Night, didn’t. They’re works of fiction. However, I was able to develop an interest in literature by imagining that everything I read was true. From that point on, I be-lieved everything that I read. While earlier I was bored by works like The Great Gatsby or Kafka’s Metamor-phosis, I was able to truly appreciate and understand them by treating them as actual events. I was able to interpret the dense and obscure symbolism and to ques-tion why the fuck no one was more upset that Gregor

woke up and was a big fucking bug. Your son is a giant cockroach! Act more freaked out! As time went on, my obsession with history grew like a hot air balloon during a Thanksgiving Day parade. I have to think that this was because my intellect was expanding as more and more history was being made. Every day was history, and it was my job (as a hand-some and athletic writer) to record this history, min-ute for minute and word for word. I spent days on end writing down everything that happened, just so I would have a record of it. Naturally, these journals became the foundation for my copious volume of work and allowed me to forever blur (and finally sever) the tenuous line between reality and fantasy. If I wrote down everything that happened, then everything that I have written is true. Following that logic, anything that I write must be true. Soon, I was in high school, and had gained an iota of freedom in choosing my classes. I studied Ameri-can History, European History and Latverian History, along with the occasional English class. I read past the Middle Ages to the Revolutionary War and watched the entire series of MASH. It felt like these good times would never end. But of course, they did. Then came college. If only I knew how soul-crushing Brandeis University could be. Early in my freshman years, I elected to double major in History and English, allowing me to learn about everything that has ever happened. It seemed perfect, but I sensed that this feel-ing of joy would soon be shattered like an Elfin brooch at an Orc stampede. Every semester my schedule is harder to choose than a chocolate in a box of chocolates without the little map. Why don’t they always include one? How the hell can I tell a delicious caramel from a disgusting coconut if they don’t give me a map? They all look the same on the outside. So, for some stupid reason, all the classes that I want to take are at the same time. Apparently, all the profes-sors have secret late night campfire meetings, plotting about how they can schedule their awesome classes. Why does “Modern Freedonian History” have to be at the same time as “The Late Writings of Charles Schul-tz?” To screw with John Q. Pubic, that’s why! So that’s my predicament: I’m forced to take one class that I want to take, along with two others that are boring and useless. “Intro to Economics?” Like anyone really uses that shit in real life!

Anthony Scibelli

Brittany ChristensenScott Finkelstein

Paul GaleBen Harel

Jordan Smedresman

The monkey is wise.The Monkey Says “Come,

write for the Blowfish.”

Blowfish Issue 12 Brainstorming!Come give your ideas and worldviews!

Monday The Second! Nine PM!Room 313, Shapiro Campus Center!

I mean, that monkey looks pretty wise, right? I think you should come,

if only to make him happy.

Bush Accidentally Declares War on Iran on His Way Out of Oval OfficePresident claims he didn’t know the button did that.While attempting to unbolt his Porky Pig lucky pencil sharpener from the Oval Office desk, Presi-dent Bush accidentally nudged a vase which fell over and caused a matchbox car to run over a button which launched a preemptive air strike on Iran’s major population centers. Witnesses say it was hi-larious. How that button got there is currently unknown, but sawing noises have been coming from the area for about a month, and two weeks ago Dick Cheney ran out clutching his back.

Israeli and Palestinian Citizens Pass the “Wow, Fuck This Shit” BillBill said to contain legislative ef-forts to “stopping this bombing shit, and calming the fuck down” In a bizarre twist on the conflict in the Gaza strip, the Palestinian Authority and the Israeli govern-ment passed simultaneous resolu-tions that “We’re done, it’s over, we want to go eat dinner now.” Such a show of apathy to a major conflict by its par-ticipants has not been seen since the Peloponnesian War, when 300 Spartans famously slept until noon, rolled over and checked the clock, and then fell back asleep until two. The conflict was soon restarted by disillusioned journalists.

Obama Admits He is In Fact an Arab Terrorist“Haha, tricked you!” teased the President, followed by 10 minutes of maniacal laughterA press release by the Obama Administration confirms that the now-president’s birth cer-tificate was forged, he was schooled in a Madrassa, and is a sleeper agent for seven separate terrorist groups. He hates mothers, apple pie, and the troops. His budget pro-posal includes a $200 million conversion of the nation to Is-lam, as well as a large amount of high explosives to be sent to a P.O. Box in Medina, Saudi Arabia. The House is currently deadlocked on whether to ac-cept this proposal.

Experts Predict Obama’s Inaugural Speech Word-for-Word“Huh,” say Experts In a startling turn of events, the full text of Barack Obama’s inauguration speech was pro-duced, before it was released,

by sixteen separate political experts, as well as by the computer Deep Blue. News agencies have been forced to call in experts on experts, who have been baffled. Renowned expert theorist (that is theorist on experts) Sticky Jarker said “I really don’t know.” That covered it.

It’s been a busy week for President Obama, seen here embracing former President Clinton (right).

NEWS- PAGE 3

Facebook.com to Launch New

Dating SiteBY BUTCH CASSIDY

Last Seen With Sundance Kid

Doctors to Conjoin Identical TwinsLead surgeon, Dr. Taft: “Cool! Now it looks like an alien!”

BY FITZY KIRKPATRICKNot Irish

Users can go through en-tire relationships without ever leaving the comfort of their computer chair,

bed, or local library.

Can’t wait to take your Facebook poking to the next level? This week Facebook cre-ator Mark Zuckerberg announced the start of I’llUpdateYourStatus.com (a.k.a. Statusbook), the first of many Facebook spin-off sites in the works. Zuckerberg said of the new site, “It just got so depressing to see all of these socially inept Internet predators poke, poke, and poke and never get laid, so I thought I’d help them out.” As he was speaking with The Blowfish, he

rolled up a one-hundred dollar bill (the old one with the little Franklin head) and proceeded to smoke it. The new site has created a force in the online dating world. Unlike rival sites, us-ers never have to meet in person and can use Statusbook chat as a means of communication. Users can go through entire relationships with-out ever leaving the comfort of their recliner chair, bed or local library. The draw of new ap-plications is also strong. Zuckerberg explained, “I wanted to show how proud I am that I’ve been able to help so many young girls discover their true sexual orientation. Who thought a simple ‘Relationship Status’ application could help so many in need?” In light of the burgeoning number of female couples on Facebook, I’llUpdateYourStatus.com will have a special section just for lesbi-ans and/or girls looking to find a newer, better “Complicated Relationship.” Guys searching for a bromance will also find their needs met through the “Natty Ice is the Only Beer Worth Drinking” Statusbook group. Other features include a new Photoshop application in which one can doctor their default picture in order to achieve a desired look. Options to add to your photo include: more friends, a Solo cup, a for-eign background, Barack Obama, and generic drunken shenanigans. In keeping with the instant gratification Facebook brings to millions of users every-day, priests and rabbis will be on stand-by to officially and legally consecrate all “Married” statuses on Statusbook upon the user’s request. Why go to Vegas when you can make the big-gest mistake of your life right from your home computer? One Statusbook user, high school sophomore Jen Smith, told us about her expe-rience. “One night my boyfriend Scott and I got really drunk and thought: OMG! Let’s get married! The Statusbook priest was like, super nice. Then me and Scott poked back and forth the rest of the night. It was awesome.” Appar-ently Statusbook creators are still working out the legal kinks pending the creation of official and legal “Divorced,” “Annulled” and “Wid-owed” statuses. Of course Statusbook users will not be total-ly free of other social obligations. In addition to updating one’s Official Statusbook Relation-ship Status, one will also have to donate their status to a cause. Do you want to save the origi-nal Ipod Nano from extinction? Did the person next to you not recycle that hideous plastic wa-ter bottle? Do you not approve of happenings in the Middle East? You can donate your status to these, as well as a plethora of other causes. Statusbook user Matt Red commented, “I’m really glad there’s finally a site where I can meet chicks and let people know that I really think we should find an exit strategy in Iraq. Other dating sites just don’t understand my need to express myself as an individual. Great job, Statusbook!” New users may find themselves a bit jolted by the lack of privacy settings on the site, but Zuckerberg defended the measure saying, “I mean, how can you know if you wanna date someone if you can’t see their photo albums, favorite quotes, bumper stickers, friends, old family heirlooms, high school transcript and background check?” Regarding allegations that the government was using Statusbook as a way to track potential terrorists, Zuckerberg, the CIA and Google all declined to comment, though Google did refer us to a press release which stated “Resistance is futile.”

Early this week, a team of doctors conducted a lengthy and arduous ten-hour-long surgery, in order to conjoin a pair of identical twins at the waist. The operation, a great success, was the first of its kind. Dr. Millard Taft, the head surgeon at Quincy Ma-goo Medical Center, felt that the surgery was necessary for the survival of the twins, fourteen-year-old Harold and Peter Popnecker. The Pop-necker twins had been living as separate twins for their en-tire fourteen-year-long lives, despite the advice of doctors. “Basically, these two young men were ‘freaks of nature,’ to use the medical term,” Taft told reporters. “They were born as separate, identical, twins, when all tests showed they should have been born conjoined. They have been living a lie -- a sad, sad lie.” Identical twins result from a fertilized egg dividing in two in the womb (while a scrambled egg dividing in two results in the perfect omelette). Conjoined twins result when the division is not complete. According to Taft, the Popnecker twins never should have completed their division. Ultrasounds seem to con-firm this.

“I think it’s a miracle that they have lived this long,” said Taft. “Were this fifty years ago, there isn’t a doubt in my mind that these two would end up in some sort of circus freak show.” Before the surgery, the Pop-neckers lived a troubled life, constantly aware of the shock and sometimes horror that their peers displayed to them. They were misfits in a world where two people are not supposed to look exactly the same, unless they are physically connected by some part of their body. “It was hard sometimes,” said Peter. “People would al-ways ask us stuff like ‘Which one are you, Peter or Harold?’ and ‘Is that you or your broth-er?’ and ‘Can you please not

use that kind of language in here?’” The twins expect that their surgery will give them a chance at the normal life that was denied them while they were separated. “Now when people see us, they know who is who,” said Har-old. “I’m on the left and Peter is on the right,” Peter added. “Wait, are you serious? I thought I was going to be on the left!” yelled Harold, causing Peter to yell back, “Shut up, dick, I’m be-ing interviewed.”

Here are the two freaks as young boys. Try not to recoil in terror at their seperateness.

-Special Advertising Section-

Super Bowl: Not a New Way To Serve Soup

With the clock winding down on the forty-third Super Bowl (which has been named the forty-fourth in honor of Obama), questions are pouring through the heads of the American sports’ fan. One of those questions is, “What is Barack Obama doing to make sure this event goes well?” According to presidential historian Smudth R. Brutha, presidencies are often defined by the sporting events that take place during them. As an example he cited “Super Bowl XXXV in 2001. The New York Giants had a brutal late hit against the Ra-vens, the guy had to be carted off the field--in two carts, mind you. The Ravens spent the next minute of game time in mourning, and then came back and literally slaughtered the Giants. And then they slaughtered the Jets, because they were also from New York. By the time they were done with this, the fans were pretty pissed off, and booed them off the field.” There have even been sports games that have foreshadowed the fate of our entire nation. In 1774 there was a cricket game between the Tough Tories and the Cockney Colonialists in Philadelphia. The Co-lonialists beat the Tories, got a team of slaves to play for them, fought for a while on whether or not to free them, freed them, and then built cricket-winning factories that won them every

cricket game afterward. Sports historians have called this “un-canny” and “Oh, look, it’s five o’clock, let’s go to the bar.” Obama has certainly been doing his best to make sure ev-erything goes without a hitch. Since his inauguration, he has been holed up in Raymond James Stadium in Tampa, allowing no one in but his wife and hordes of photographers. He has been painting lines, cleaning the stale popcorn from beneath

the seats, and inspect-ing Bruce Springsteen’s wardrobe (with particu-lar attention to the re-movable codpiece). This is of course to ward off incidents like in 2004, when a breast ruined the presidency of John Kerry before he could be elect-ed. He has pulled out ev-ery stop, even emptying Guantanamo Bay so the inmates can sell beer to the fans. Already criticism is mounting from the right. Bill O’Reilly pointed out that one thing Obama had “forgotten about” was “our brave men and women fighting over-seas. Lots of them proba-bly wanted to be football

players when they grew up. Why aren’t they playing in the Super Bowl? Because fat cat liberals put these clowns into the game instead.” O’Reilly then thanked the guest he apparently had on. John McCain planned to fly to Tampa to “abandon po-litical objectives and save the Super Bowl,” but never arrived as his plane was shot down over North Korea.

BY FITZY KIRKPATRICKNot Irish

Our sources indicate the Cardinals strategy will be to shit on the steeler’s helmets.

PAGE 4- P.S.

Movie About Dead Rapper Surprisingly UpbeatBY MILDRED VANILLAOnce Fought a Bear

Soulutions to “Country Music”

Across Clues 1. Gather, obtain 6. Orange flesh 10. Woe for future MDs 14. Detective Perry 19. Danny Elfman band, with Boingo 20. Kazakhstani sea 21. “I don’t care one ____!” 22. Fatal fever 23. Political drama taught in Sound Design 101? 26. Companion to set and go 27. Shrimp, in Tokyo 28. Helps, assists 29. Actor Brynner 30. Matilda author Roald 32. You’ll need two to graduate 33. Votes for 35. ____ culpa 37. Opposite of max 39. Machu Picchu home 40. Sexy comic book character storms Organic Chemistry? 50. Neck organ 52. Judged to be 53. DC paper 54. Bears, to Brutus 57. It can be Rubik’s or sugar 58. Performance rights union, for short

61. Gobbled up 62. Ambivalent interjection 63. Slangy assent 65. First fall concert artist 68. Auslander subj. 70. Graduate 72. Medley, abbr. 75. “No ____ luck...” 78. Sailing symptom 82. Favre beans and a nice Chianti served up in Anthropology of Gender? 86. Lady Liberty, for example 87. Stupefy, fatigue 88. Golden Calf or Kelly Clarkson 89. GI on the loose 90. Library hill equipment 92. Org. or assc. 94. “____ not what your country can do for you...” 96. Mineral suffix 97. Dodge logo 100. Polisci majors’ woe 103. Grip, grasp 106. Return key alias 108. NaCl 110. Street or avenue 112. The, for example 114. Calculus professor determined Best in Show? 118. Moistens 122. Zed 123. Govt. insurance organization 124. Native of Northern Spain 126. Upper limb

129. Skewer, spear 132. It is deadly when doubled? 134. Put your buns in here 136. It may hold ashes 137. East or West, for example 139. Term paper topic: Name the Prettiest Woman in International Rela-tions? 143. Part of a cosmestics giant 144. Elvis’s middle name 145. Gumption 146. Electric fisherman? 147. Country singer Carter 148. Electromagnetic picture 149. Sandwich cookie 150. Relative, in rap

Down Clues 1. Quarterback’s call 2. Accountable 3. Jealous one 4. Japanese author, Tadashi 5. Signal to (two words) 6. Settled the bill 7. Web addresses 8. “Viva ____ Vegas!” 9. Ruse 10. Throw off the trail 11. Bovine 12. “It’s ____ too loud...” 13. Skater Lipinski 14. Arthurian wizard 15. No. 16 16. Afternoon TV 17. Ye ____ Shoppe 18. No votes 24. Washy’s preceder 25. Comfortably ____ 31. Start to a Gilbert and Sullivan opera? 34. ____ deal, do business (two words) 36. Length x Width 38. Bit of brandy 41. Jughead’s pal 42. Dobbs or Piniella 43. Ad ____ 44. Heavenly garden 45. CA hirer, with life 46. It’s fun to stay here 47. ER notation 48. MA hour zone 49. 66, for ex. 51. Informal greeting 54. “The Zoo” 55. Struck a match, again 56. Jehuda’s spouse, for short 59. Archives, accounts 60. Egyptian god 64. Roast hosts 66. Pale faced 67. Lady Tyrannosaurus rex 69. Polynesian dance 71. Citi Field players

73. Weep, bawl 74. Monetary head at a comp. 76. CBS drama 77. Possessed 79. “I ____ first!” (two words) 80. Portray feelings theatrically 81. Less inept 83. Empty set 84. Cycle or pod preceeder 85. Musician technician 91. US Olympian Torres 93. “Best of luck, old ____!” 95. He loves orange soda 97. Webfeed format 98. Research school org. 99. Beckham org. 101. Hill, rocky peak 102. 5th Ave shop 104. Gold, to Cortez 105. LATTE helpers 107. Report, broadcast 109. Devilish toon? 111. Fate 113. Internet sex 115. Bottled beverage, usually sweet-ened 116. Teacher’s favorite 117. Tabula ____ 119. = 120. Tank top? 121. Nissan sedan 125. Opening bids 126. Scored 100% 127. Controversy canvasing the campus 128. Spy Hari 130. Trojan war hero 131. Jefferson’s Vice President 133. Therefore, to Descartes 134. Off-Broadway award 135. Presidential no 138. Pres. Obama’s former title 140. Hawaiian volcano, with Mauna 141. Bruins great Bobby 142. Cinque follower

“And The Nominees Are”...SearchingforDavidHackett-Fischer wins best picture!

Reviews remarkably positive considering fifteen years ago everyone was sure this music was “ruining the children”

Friday, January 16th, started off with a drive-by-like bang at the premiere of Noto-rious, the biopic of rapper Christopher Wal-lace, a.k.a. Biggie Smalls. Critics are hailing the film as the biggest excuse for middle-class white boys to go to the movies since 8 Mile. Several formerly deceased rappers attended the premier to pay their respects to Biggie including Tupac Shakur, Jam Master Jay and Vanilla Ice. There were several com-plaints from Vanilla Ice’s representative who claimed that Mr. Ice had not died from any gun-related violence, and in fact had not died at all. Despite these claims, premiere-goers noticed that Mr. Ice looked “very white” and “ghostly pale.” Mr. Ice seemed unconcerned, telling reporters, “If there was a problem, yo, I’ll solve it,” and, for some reason, insisting that the press “check out the hook while [Mr. Ice’s] DJ revolves it.” Tupac Shakur announced that he will yet again drop another album of “previously re-corded yet unheard material” produced by Kanye West and will be suing pop artist Pink over copyright infringement for the album title I’m Not Dead. Also in sight for Tupac’s dearly departed future is Resurrection 2, in which Tupac will finally come clean about

what it’s like to be Jesus in a time of eco-nomic and environmental despair. The night soon took a more lively tone when P. Diddy rolled up in his Escalade and stepped out swaggering to the sound of Frank Sinatra with his entourage. When asked for his thoughts about the film he replied, “A big budget film about anything related to the Diddy universe, including my friend Biggie, is bound to be a large step forward for the rap community.” Rev. Run DMC also attended the premiere, though when asked to provide a sermon eulogizing Biggie, he regrettably admitted that he has never actually given one and had adopted the title of Reverend because “it rhymed with ‘never end,’” as exhibited in a host of different Run DMC tracks. There were also several surprise guests, such as Bono, who declared that he was “proud to support a film that will finally bring attention to the violence and inhu-mane conditions plaguing the third world, as well as local recording studios.” In the hope of pushing an overambitious agenda, Bono also announced the start of his new foundation RAVE, Rappers Against Vio-lence in Ethiopia. Bono’s rap album, set for release in 2012, went triple platinum dur-

ing this announce-ment. Also in atten-dance were many longtime Biggie fans like 13 year-old Willard Hun-tington II, who said that he was “happy that rap artists have real names like me and my friends. You know, like Christo-pher Wallace, Mar-shall Mathers and Curtis Jackson III. Now I can have street cred too, bitch.” His mother, Barbra Hun-tington, confirmed that her German-Irish multimillionaire son, was, indeed, “legit” and has recently been seen “coming cor-rect” on at least two occasions.

The Late B.I.G, (aka Chris Wallace), smoking one of his trademark hand-rolled cigars.

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