Introduction to assertiveness

Prepared by Suzanne Morton

Today’s session - content

• Difficult situations – our choices

• Identifying assertive, aggressive and submissive behaviour

• Types of assertion• Body language• Personal action plans

Difficult situations are inevitable

• Poor / inappropriate communication

• Personality clash• Conflicting interests• Conflicting values• Unrealistic

expectations• Misunderstandings /

mistakes

Difficult situations – you have choices in how you react / behave…

• Do what comes naturally?• Give yourself time / space to

think?• Reframe the situation – i.e. try

to see it differently?• Be assertive?

YOU HAVE A CHOICE!

The choice you make is critical to the outcome

The attitudes that we adopt in any situation partly determine how the situation will unfold.

Zohar & Marshall (1993)

Know your goal!

• What are you trying to achieve (top end of the negotiating scale)?

• What are you prepared to put up with (bottom line position)?

• Between these two is a negotiable range (compromise)

• Don’t use behaviours which are counter-productive!

But you can’t change other people!

Don’t try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig

Spectrum of behaviours

Aggressive behaviour

• Standing up for your rights in a way violates the rights of others

• Ignoring or dismissing the needs, wants, opinions, feelings or beliefs of others

• Expressing your own needs, wants and opinions in inappropriate ways

Aggressive words

• Shut up and listen• What a nerve• Because I said so• Get on with it• You’d better• Stupid • You’re a……!

Submissive behaviour• Failing to stand up for your

rights or doing so in a way that others can easily disregard them

• Expressing your needs, wants, opinions, feelings or beliefs in apologetic or self effacing ways

• Failing to express honestly your own needs, wants beliefs and opinions

Submissive words

• Sorry to bother you

• It’s only me• Would you mind• I could come back later• I wonder if• Excuse me• I guess

Assertive behaviour

• Standing up for your own rights in such a way that you do not violate another person’s rights

• Expressing your needs, wants, opinions, feelings or beliefs in direct honest and appropriate ways

Assertive words

• I would like• I think• Let’s consider the

options• I respect your view• What do you think?• I believe that• How can we resolve

this

Assertive Techniques

• Basic assertion• Responsive assertion • Empathetic assertion• Fogging • Instant replay• Discrepancy assertion• Negative feelings• Consequence assertion

Low level assertion (1)• Basic: A straightforward statement which stands up for your

rights by making clear your needs, wants, beliefs opinions or feelings. e.g. “I need to be away by 5 p.m.”

• Responsive: A behaviour that aims to find out where the other person stands, their needs, wants opinions and feelings e.g. “Katie, I’d like to hear your views on this report”or “What problems does that create for you Rachael?”

• Empathetic: A statement that contains some empathy and a statement of your needs / wants. e.g.”I know you’re busy at the moment John but I’d like to ask a quick question”

Low level assertion (2)

• Fogging: A way of slowing the other person down without necessarily agreeing or disagreeing with them. e.g. “I can see why you might think that Sam” or “There may be some truth in what you are saying”

• Instant replay: A way of getting your message through without nagging or whining. The message is repeated or paraphrased until it can no longer be dismissed or ignored.e.g. “I can’t get the report done by 2 o’clock”…………. “I can’t do the report by 2 o’clock but I could do it by 4 o’clock”……“As I’ve already said I can’t do the report for 2 o’clock”…..

High level assertion (1)

• Discrepancy: A statement that shows the other person has ‘moved the goalposts’. e.g. “Mike, when we spoke about this last year you said you would delegate more responsibility to me, I’m still keen for that to happen”

• Negative feelings: A statement which shows another person the undesirable effect their behaviour is having on you. e.g. “When you make comments like that in meetings it makes me feel that I’m not being taken seriously”

High level assertion (2)

• Consequence: A statement that informs the other person of the consequences of not changing their behaviour. e.g. “If this happens again, I’ll have no option but to talk to the head of school. I’d rather we didn’t get to that stage.”

2 people can look at the same situation or ‘picture’ and see entirely different things

Reframing

It may help to try to see their ‘picture’

Body Language - say it like you mean it!

• Is learned before language

• Is more convincing than language

• Is powerful in forming a first impression

Body Language is made up of• Eye contact• Facial expression• Posture• Gestures• Personal space• Dress• Voice Tone

The Power of Body Language

7%WORDS

what you say55%

APPEARANCEhow you look!

38%VOICE

how you say it

Assertive Body Language

• Moderate eye contact

• Relaxed facial expression

• Open gestures• Relaxed posture• Appropriate proximity• Moderate voice tone

Difficult situations checklist• What are your rights?• What are his/her rights?• What are your fears about tackling this?• What are the possible benefits to tackling

it?• What is negotiable / non-negotiable? • What type of assertion could be used as a

starting point / to escalate?• Consider your body language and vocal

tone.• Where and when are you going to speak to

him/her?

Action plan

• Use your judgement to choose situations you want to be more assertive in

• Weigh up pros and cons of being assertive• Be clear what outcome you want at the start• Know your negotiating limit• Have a flexible strategy• Don’t give up at the first hurdle• Look for win/win compromise solutions if possible• Look at the ‘big picture’