The importance of male friendships for boys/young men diagnosed with ADHD, Asperger’s, higher-independence ASD

and related social challenges

When I bring up the topic of friendships with new clients I often hear statements such as:

"I have friends, they're on Xbox" (often they know nothing about these individuals aside from their gamer tag)

"I have friends at school" (typically this is other boys who sit at their lunch table whom they may or may not have any interaction with)

"No one at my school likes the things I like" (they've never learned to show an interest in others or engage in reciprocal conversations to find out)

"The guys at my school are all immature, they're not like me" (sadly, I've come across parents who believe this is accurate)

Yesterday, a 12th grade student I work with told me the last time he had a friend over or went over anyone's house was in 9th grade. When I asked him what kept him from spending time with other kids for the past 3 years his response was "I've been busy doing other things". These "other things" are spending over 4 hours per day (much more on weekends) watching YouTube or playing video games. I asked him how the other kids in his class managed to have time for more than one social gathering in the past three years which left him silent. This very likeable young man could easily have a peer group which is why we are spending our sessions learning how to show an interest in others, initiate social communication, sustain reciprocal conversations and develop a sense of accountability around cultivating friendships.

Our culture trivializes male friendships. This is a tremendous detriment to all boys but particularly those who present with social learning challenges such as ADHD, Asperger's Syndrome, Higher-independence autism spectrum diagnoses and similar neurodevelopmental challenges.

Most parents I encounter do everything possible to help their sons learn how to make friends. They try to arrange get togethers, enroll them in sports and other activities and place them in social skills groups. Katy Shamitz of Chapman Farm School and Skills for Living in Massachusetts articulated the social skills experience so accurately in her recent blog post:

You're a teenager, and you're put in the car to go talk to some lady who you don't know, but will help you make friends. You're told that she'll accomplish this by putting you at a table with four other kids your age who also can't make friends.

It's no wonder kids drag their feet The whole thing is really wacky. Let's gather kids who are anxious, shine a giant spotlight on their struggles, throw in some cheesy worksheets for good measure, then wonder why they all quit after a month.

How about instead of everything being theoretical in nature, talking about things that *could* happen at the mall, at a party, at a club, we actually did those things together?

Katy's point is what inspired me to turn to my Guy Talk co-facilitator Stephen and say: "We're two guys, we've been teaching social a long time, we genuinely know how to teach boys how to create friendships with other boys so let's make this our focus".

Our new program, How to Hang Out is a recreational, social and executive function skill building program to teach boys how to cultivate and sustain friendships with other boys.

We are not going to sit around a table and talk about social skills or role play. We're going to do a lesson based on Social Thinking® concepts and then go out and do things boys would do together.

We know that our outings won't always go smoothly which is exactly what we want. Someone will probably be inflexible about which bowling ball they're going to use or whom they sit next to on the van. Someone will become really anxious about not being able to withdraw into their smartphone. This is all good stuff. This is how we can teach how your words and behaviors effect others and how they treat you as a result. It's how we can teach to manage your anxiety so you can learn to enjoy other's company when there's no Minecraft or Xbox around. And most importantly, it's how we can teach that other guys your age do want to be your friend, you just need to put in a lot of effort.

Please contact us if you would like information about How to Hang Out which will meet in Bala Cynwyd, PA. There will be two separate groups (middle school and high school). Space is limited to 10 participants and both groups will be full.

Ryan Wexelblatt, LSW, CAS | Director

Center for Social and Executive Function 114 Forrest Ave. Suite. 210 Narberth, PA 19072

484-278-1088 centerforsocial@gmail.com www.socialef.com