i’m smiling but …. i really want...
TRANSCRIPT
I’m Smiling but ….I really want toslap you!!
Dealing with Difficult People
EVERYONE BRINGS JOY
SOME WHEN THEY ENTERSome when they leave
Why So Many Difficult People?
LAWSUITSDon’t Bother
Me, I’m Eating!
Miss Manners is DEAD!
If It Feels Good, Do It!
Questionable Role Models
“NO RULES!”Instant
GratificationPersonal
Accountability
Entitlement
STRESS
Technology
It’s All About ME!
Stand for somethingor FALL for anything
Yes I DO Own the
Road!
Get your OWN box!
Who is a difficult person?
Could be anyone!– Co‐Worker
– Supervisor
– Subordinate
– Family member
–You
The way you see it…
The way I see it…
The way it really is…..
Impact on our Mood
• Fight or flight
• Defensiveness
• Question judgment, capability
• Feel belittled, mistreated
• Ongoing resentment
Impact on our Work
• Miscommunication
• Focus on “winning” rather than the issue
• Rewarding bad behavior
• Time wasted by distractions
• Residual resentment colors future dealings
WHAT IS STRESS ?
Stress is the “wear and tear” our minds and bodies experience as we attempt to cope with our continually changing environment
The way you see it…
The way I see it…
The way it really is
It is NOT the event…It is the meaning we assign to the event…..
Not what happens…but how we respond to it
Mentally, Emotionally, Physically……
Stress Response
Situation(Circumstances or Persons)
Thoughts(Beliefs, Expectations)
Response(Actions or Feelings)
Hot Reactors• 1 in every 5 people
• Blood pressure shoots up under pressure
• High in cynical mistrust, hostility and anger
• Untreated, hot reactors are subject to heart disease, stroke and sudden cardiovascular death
Anger is one letter short of
DANGER!
Emotional Symptoms of Stress
DepressionAnxietyMood swingsSleep disturbancesAngerApathyAppetite Changes
TYPES OF STRESSORS
• External
• Internal
EXTERNAL STRESSORS
• Physical Environment
• Social Interaction
• Organizational
• Daily Hassles
• Major Life Events
INTERNAL STRESSORS
• Lifestyle choices
• Negative self ‐ talk
• Mind traps
• Personality traits
Responding to Difficult Types
Introverts• Prefer one‐on one, depth of communication with a few
• Deep, Quiet• Calmer, softer speech• Like contemplation• Trouble with names and faces• Need seclusion and alone time• Charge batteries by being alone• Harder to get to know• Think silently and announce results• May prefer writing to speaking• Think through a process first, before
speaking
Extroverts• Like group activity• Show their best side• Enthusiastic; lively gossipy• Like action, initiate it, good
greeter• Interaction with people• Charge batteries by people
interaction• Easy to get to know…very
open• Think out loud• May prefer speaking to
writing• Trial and Error approach to
learning• Learn by experience
Dominant
KEY WORD for Dominate:
OPTIONS
Difficult by becoming……….
• angry• forceful• bossy
–micro‐managing
• intense
18% of Population
Tell-Task People
Primary Emotion: Anger
Business always comes
before pleasure
Under Stress: Loud, Abrasive, Acting Out
50-60% of all Decision Makers
CONFIDENCE
What to do with a Dominant
Do:Be brief, direct, to the point
Ask “What”, not “How”
Focus on business, they desire results
Highlight logical benefits
Agree with facts & ideas, not with a person
Discuss problems in light of how they affect outcome
Dominant
Don’t:• Ramble
• Repeat yourself
• Focus on problems
• Be too sociable
• Generalize
Key Word: Influencing
Relationships
28% of population
1 out of every 3 people
Internal Cheerleaders
Primary Emotion: Optimism!
Under Stress: Very Causitc
EXTROVERTED!
Difficult by becoming……..
• emotional
• hyper• immature
• silly• wordy• nice
Difficult by becoming……..
• emotional
• hyper• immature
• silly• wordy• nice
Dominant
KEY WORD for Dominate:
OPTIONS
Difficult by becoming……….
• angry• forceful• bossy
–micro‐managing
• intense
18% of Population
Tell-Task People
Primary Emotion: Anger
Business always comes
before pleasure
Under Stress: Loud, Abrasive, Acting Out
50-60% of all Decision Makers
CONFIDENCE
What to do with a Dominant
Do:Be brief, direct, to the point
Ask “What”, not “How”
Focus on business, they desire results
Highlight logical benefits
Agree with facts & ideas, not with a person
Discuss problems in light of how they affect outcome
Dominant
Don’t:• Ramble
• Repeat yourself
• Focus on problems
• Be too sociable
• Generalize
Key Word: Influencing
Relationships
28% of population
1 out of every 3 people
Internal Cheerleaders
Primary Emotion: Optimism!
Under Stress: Very Causitc
EXTROVERTED!
Difficult by becoming……..
• emotional
• hyper• immature
• silly• wordy• nice
Do:
Build a favorable environment
Let them talk about ideas, people, their institution
Share testimonials
Allow for social time
Write details, but do not dwell on them
Create incentives for following through
What to do with an Influencing…….
Influencing…..
Don’t:
Eliminate social time
Do all the talking
Ignore their ideas
Tell them what to do
STEADY:
Key Word: Steady
VALUE
40% of the Population
Very Suspicious, but likeable
Primary emotion: NO emotion
Under Stress: Fall out of the Team
Everyone’s Best Friend
Don’t Rock the Boat!
Difficult by becoming…..
• fearful•withdraw• sympathizes
• insecure
What to do with a Steady….Do:
Build a favorable environment
Show genuine interest in them
Ask “How” questions
Patiently draw out their goal
Give them time to adjust
Define goals, procedures &their role in the plan
Assure personal follow‐up
Minimize perceived risk
Steady
Don’t:
Be pushy, aggressive or demanding
Be controversial
COMPLIANT
FACTS AND DATA
KEY WORD:
14% of population
Factual Specialist
Known as the keeper of the Rules
Primary Emotion: FEAR
Under Stress: Back up with Information
Introverted
Difficult by becoming……..
•moody
• critical•negative•worrisome
What to do with a Compliant
Do:Prepare your case in advance
Delineate pros & cons
Use accurate data
Assure them “No surprises”
Use precise explanations
When agreeing ‐ be specific
Disagree with facts, not with the person
Give patient and diplomatic explanations
Compliant
Don’t:Refuse to explain the details
Answer questions vaguely or casually
4 Basic Models in Behavioral Psychology
•Passive Individual
•Aggressive Individual
•Passive-Aggressive Individual
•Assertive Individual
Passive Individual
TRAITS
• Wants to be liked
• Fears conflict
• Has poor problem solving skills
MANAGER’S TECHNIQUE•Hold accountable
Aggressive Individual
TRAITS• Wants to be feared, not liked• Tries to challenge the validity of manager’s authority
• Uses force or ultimatums to intimidate others
MANAGER’S TECHNIQUE•Stand up to them.
Passive‐Aggressive Individual
TRAITS• Passive to your face,• but attacks when one’s back is
turned• Fears direct confrontation, attacks
indirectly
MANAGER’S TECHNIQUE•Fight and win small battles whenever possible•Force direct confrontations
Assertive Individual
TRAITS
• Clearly communicates
• Respects authority
• Disagrees respectfully but complies willingly when manager overrides, realizes not every dispute needs to be won or lost
MANAGER’ S TECHNIQUE•Reward them•Hire more of them
Getting Results with Any Type
• Remain calm
• Focus on problem solving
• Act with confidence
• Listen
• Collaborate
• Understand their motivation
Moan-ers
Yes But-ers
Truth--Lie
Murmur-ers
Nasty Nice
One Uppers
Perpetual Suffer-ers
Chronic Hopelessness
Savers
Promise Breaker
Resent-ers
Discounters
“You know that-ers”
Whiners
Chicken Little-ers
Always and Never-ers
Excuse Givers
Perfectionist
Criticizers
Just kiddin’ers
Out to lunch employees
Substance abusers
Moody and Grouchy people
Stamp Savers
Are you an
Emotional
Stamp Saver?
Be very careful…….
20-30 Outstanding Positives to correct
ONE CASH IN!
Be very careful!
Short term pleasure produces long term
pain
Keeping your Balance
• Humour
• Perspective
• Awareness
• Calm
Be careful of your thoughts, for your thoughts become your words.
Be careful of your words, for your words become your actions.
Be careful of your actions, for your actions become your habits.
Be careful of your habits, for your habits become your character.
Be careful of your character, for your character becomes your destiny.
Author unknown
Something never seen
by human eyes….
If you break your neck, if you have nothing to eat, if your house is on fire, then you got a
problem. Everything else is inconvenience.
~ Robert Fulghum
If you break your neck, if you have nothing to eat, if your house is on fire, then you got a
problem. Everything else is inconvenience.
~ Robert Fulghum
256‐339‐2271
