i’m breaking up. now what

I’m breaking up.

Now what?

SADSA | The South African Divorce Support Association

© 2015,SADSA | The South African Divorce Support Association. All rights reserved.

www.sadsa.co.za | [email protected]

Nadia Thonnard

Diploma Couns. & Comm. (SACAP)(CHE)

Divorce & Family Mediator (FAMAC

Accredited)

My name is Nadia Thonnard.

I am a qualified Counsellor, a FAMAC Accredited Divorce & Family Mediator and the founder of SADSA | The South

African Divorce Support Association.

I went through my own divorce after a 20 year relationship and it is my own experience which motivated me to explore

and provide support to people contemplating, undergoing or having gone though a relationship breakup.

If I have learned anything from this experience, is that going through a relationship breakup is one of the most

emotional processes anyone will have to go through in their life.

Due to a lack of emotional support at large, people find themselves trapped in a storm of emotions which become the

platform from which they make decisions for their future.

Emotions are natural and very normal, but when ill managed, they can contribute to further and unnecessary chaos in

your lives. Furthermore, ill-managed emotions can turn to persisting anger, turning you into a bitter, self destructive

person.

Your reasoning becomes flawed. It will make you lose sight of your purpose and you will become the hostage to a life

event which is actually supposed to offer you a new opportunity to discover your true potential.

I like to stress that a breakup is an emotional process which includes a legal dissolution. Unfortunately turning to a

legal entity when emotions are high will not help you with a smooth legal dissolution.

In working through your emotions first, you gain a better understanding of what is going on and how to best deal with

it.

The guidance offered in this book is just some suggestions. Everyone has his or her own different ways to handle a

separation.

Adjusting to a separation is a process that takes time, so allow yourself time to heal and remember to focus on one

day at a time.

You are the one who knows what is best for you.


“Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.”– Kahlil Gibran

First of all, after a separation, it is important to pull yourself together and take charge of your own life.

You are most probably feeling victimised right now and with this comes blaming your “ex” for the breakup or what lead to the breakup.

Do not see yourself as a victim.

Recognise that only you are responsible for your own fate even if your life circumstances are painful and it seems impossible to see any good in it.

It is up to you to establish whether you will learn from your life’s challenges and move forward or whether you will be broken by them.

There is no quick solution in a separation, but nothing beats moving forward fast by dealing with your separation constructively.

Handling being in a difficult position is managing what you need right now, what values

and demands you have and what challenges you need to overcome to be the best person you can be.

There are no mistakes, only opportunities.

Divorce is not a breakup point in your life, it is a change of direction.

Let’s get started, shall we?


Here it goes.

You’ve just been told that your partner wants a divorce/breakup and you feel like you’ve

just been hit by a bus.

You are in shock!

Receiving the news that your relationship is over almost feels surreal.

• You feel numb.

• What are you going to do?

• How could this happen to you?

• This can’t be happening!

This news is defying everything you knew to be true.


Until now, however much in trouble your relationship may have been, you had a routine

which brought a sense of security.

After all, we are creatures of habits and changing our habits, even when they are toxic,

is a challenge.

The news of a break up is robbing you of all points of reference in your life. Everything

is going to change from now on and this is leaving you with a great sense of insecurity

and fear.

Finding yourself overwhelmed with such a sudden or unexpected event leaves you

momentarily lacking with your coping resources.

Your emotions are in turmoil and you can’t make sense of what is going on, especially

when un-prepared.

“Insanity is everyone

expecting you not to fall apart

when you find out everything

you believed in was a lie.”

― Shannon L. Alder


Never make a hasty decision or changes to your life when confronted with a highly stressful

situation. Take some time to process the information and think through the consequences that any

decision will bring.

No matter how bad the relationship was, with your partner gone, you are left feeling devastated and living with your own dark thoughts.

Those dark thoughts leave you feeling alone, vulnerable and full of guilt. Maybe if you tried harder, or....well, you know very well which blanks you are wanting to fill here.

Rather acknowledge that right now, you are not clear in your mind and that’s OK, but…

DO NOT make any decisions at this time!

This too shall pass.

***If you and/or your children are in direct danger from a genuine abuser, then do go to the police and get a restraining/protection order.

When in crisis, you will notice that you tend to react quickly and put up whatever defence you can to protect yourself.

A crisis can make you react in many different ways:

In a emotional way

In a mental way

In a physical way

In a behavioural way


If you are an Emotional person, you should recognise these

feelings:

• Shock, denial or disbelief

• Depression

• Fear (for yourself or others)

• Anxiety and worry

• Anger or irritability

• Hopelessness or helplessness

• Guilt and shame

• Loss of motivation

• Grief

• Numbness


If you are a Thinking person, you should recognise these mental signs:

Difficulties concentrating

Memory problems

Problems making decisions

Confusion

Self-doubt

Intrusive thoughts

Nightmares about the precipitating event

Flashbacks about the event


Whether you feel more or think more, listen and observe your body. Feeling sick can be

a sign that you are not dealing with your life crisis in a rational/constructive way.

Are you experiencing any of the below symptoms?

Stomach problems (i.e. nausea)

Headaches

Muscle tension

Rapid heart beat

Fatigue

Dizziness

Sweating or chills

Exaggerated startle response

Chest pain


Then last, but not least, your behaviour is a huge give away. You may not be aware of it at first but you are probably getting

feedback, from people who know you well, such as: “This is not you.” “Is something going on?” ...

You need to be honest with yourself and try and recognise some of the suggestions below:

Social withdrawal or isolation

Sleep disturbance

Increased use of alcohol or drugs

Aggressive or disruptive behaviour

Rapid weight gain or loss

Deterioration of personal hygiene or dress

Inability to relax

Reduced or increased sexual interest

Emotional outbursts (i.e., crying, giggling)

The ability to recognise that you are in crisis is necessary so as to be able to make good decisions and manage your situation well.


This is a time to firmly put “the oxygen mask” on and to breathe. Don’t take it off to help

anyone else until you are feeling stronger yourself. [just like experiencing a drop in

pressure in an airplane. If you are not in control of your oxygen intake, you will not be in

control at all.]

Breathing well is very important in stressful situations. It may seem secondary at this

point, but learn to breath well to stay in control.

You need to remain in control!


Simple Breathing exercise

o At regular intervals during your day stop what you’re doing and:

Take a deep breath in. Hold it for one second, and then let it go, exhaling all tension.

Do this at least 3 times, putting your neurology into “pause mode”.

o Next:

Take a normal breath in through your nose and exhale slowly from your mouth – about twice as long as the inhalation.

Continue breathing in this circular way for as long as it takes you to feel relaxed.

Once you’re completely relaxed, and your mind has quietened continue breathing naturally.

In this calm state, create a mental picture of you successfully achieving the result that you want to accomplish next.

Then make a positive affirming statement to achieve that, like: “I can and I will...”

Use this technique as and when you wish and especially when you find yourself distressed about something. The 3 deep breaths followed by the circular

breathing can be used as a quick relaxation method unto itself. You can spend anything between 1 minute and 20 minutes practicing this technique. When

you’re done, allow yourself to be inspired and carry on with what you next need to do.

Going through a separation is like experiencing a death.

You have lost your “Life Partner”.

The shock and pain of losing someone can bring a range of powerful and frightening emotions that few of us are prepared for.

Since a crisis, by definition, occurs when an event happens which overwhelms your coping resources, improving your coping strategies is crucial to better

manage the crisis.


If you're going to keep control of the

situation, it's essential that you think

strategically.

It is of utmost importance that you do not

rush making any decisions or changes and

to think through what the potential

consequences of a decision or change could

be.

The person you use to make decisions with

is no longer going to be your “go to” person

and what is right for you now may no longer

be right for your “ex” partner and vice-versa.

Decisions making under an un-controlled

emotional state will leave you vulnerable to

react as opposed to be rational and think it

through carefully.


Here are 5 simple steps to follow in order to think through your decision:

1. Identify the problem. What are you trying to decide?

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

2. Gather Information. Check out your options in order to make a decision based on facts.

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

3. Consider the consequences. Compare the pros and cons for each option.

Define Question: _____________________________________________

(What is the question you are trying to answer?)

Pros: Cons:


4. Look at the Opportunity/Options. Choose the option with the greatest number of pros.

I choose this option:___________________________________________________________________________________________________________

5. Decide. Put your decision into action!

Here is the action I am going to take:_____________________________________________________________________________________________


So, how can you improve your coping strategies and remain in control?

It is most likely at this time that, facing your impending divorce, you would want to turn to a lawyer.

This is a good time to BREATH!

It’s important to understand that most conflicts are not about legal issues. Turning to a lawyer before addressing your emotional state will

find you fighting a legal battle over emotional issues.

A relationship is about love. A breakup, on the other hand is about money and children.

So at first, ask yourself:

o How much is this worth to me?

o How likely is it that I’ll win?

o How much will it cost me to fight about it?

Luckily, you don't have to be a victim. There is a better way. You can take control of your situation.

“My life didn't please me, so I created my life.”

― Coco Chanel


Being with people you are most familiar with can be very comforting and therefore

reassuring.

Talk with a family member, friend, relative, loved one or counsellor is probably the most

effective way of dealing better in this time of trauma.


Remember that the emotional, mental, physical and behavioural responses outlined

earlier are all normal and to be expected at this time.

There is, however, no proper time frame to determine how long it will take. That’s only

up to you.


Keeping your old ways and routines can be very comforting when facing such changes.

Keeping what is predictable allows your nerves to calm down and begin to return to

normal. Since change is innately stressful, predictability reduces stress.


Regardless of your feelings toward your ex partner, you must take time to grieve the

loss of a companion and the parent of your children if you had

children together.

This is likely going to be a difficult time for you.

Be patient with the many changes in your life and in the emotions

that you are experiencing.

Doing so will help you regain emotional balance.


Keeping a journal of your thoughts and feelings

can help significantly in your recovery, particularly

if you do not have a lot of people to talk to. Using a

journal will help you see the moment more clearly and

track changes in your thoughts, feelings and

beliefs over time.


Close your eyes and take some deep breaths. Draw the air deep into your

abdomen so that your diaphragm can stretch and relax.

Relax your body. Notice and eliminate any tension in your legs and arms, your

face, jaws, neck and shoulder.

Notice where you feel the negative thoughts in your body. Focus on that place in

your body and really get to know the feeling there.

Now listen to the thought that goes with the feeling in that part of your body. Notice

everything that you are saying to yourself. Now try to remember how the feeling

began and what you were thinking at that time.

Now that you have identified the thought that drove your feeling you can change

your thought to something positive and pleasant and create a better feeling for

yourself.


The stress associated with divorce can cause you to feel ill. Whether it be

minor or major illnesses, including headaches, backaches and even flu.

Caring for yourself can help you avoid such physical symptoms.

Caring for yourself refers to time spent ensuring that your basic needs are met.

Make sure you are getting enough sleep, eating healthy and have enough exercise and

fun. If your basic needs are not being met you will find it much more difficult to deal with

your situation changing.


Releasing your tension and emotions in times of stress can be a powerful part of the

process of recovery.

Holding on to emotions will not allow you to move on and feel in control again.

Crying can be one form of emotional release that

can be very helpful.

Express your anger in healthy ways.


• Walk away

• Exercise

• Talk to someone who you are not feeling angry with

• Distract yourself

• Count 10 breaths

• Write about it

• Come back and deal with it later when you feel calm


Keep a daily written list of your feelings

Recognise what sets them off

Write down at least 1 strong feeling with which you struggle

Choose 3 positive actions you could take to turn the feeling toward a positive

motivation for your healing and growth.


When in stress, your ability to think logically can be severely compromised and

therefore, there is a much higher chance you will make a poor decision. Rather delay

making major decisions until the crisis is over.

Do not finalise anything until you are sure and satisfied with the decision you are

making.


You are most probably familiar with the phrase :drowning your sorrow”.

Alcohol and drugs will only further compromise

your ability to make good choices.

You may be looking for a way to numb your feelings but on the contrary you may

increase your emotions, putting you at greater risk for such things as self-harm or even

suicide.

Face your feelings instead of avoiding them. You will become much stronger for it.


Making a plan and setting goals for yourself that will clarify a possible future can help

give you a sense of direction and hope for your life.


There is nothing more rewarding than feeling good, but no one can make you feel good

but you!

• Exercise regularly.

• Enjoy quiet times as well as active play with your children.

• Schedule leisure time just for you—to relax and enjoy some solitude.

• Cut down on alcohol and smoking.

• Eat healthy.


In times of stress, it is easy to develop a negative

perspective on life. You can, however, train yourself to

develop a much more positive focus.

However bad your day may seem to have been,

there is always something to be grateful for.

Recognise what went right and keep trusting.


You should now hopefully be in a position which allows you to think more strategically and evaluate the difficult position you are in.

Your relationship ending is not a break point in your life but a change of direction.

Identify your dreams for your future and give yourself permission to break loose old patterns of conditioning.

Understand that all change, whether positive or negative, is necessary and will contribute to your self-growth and ultimately to the

discovery of your new self.


If a break up is a traumatic event for the adults involved, it is equally, if not more, traumatic for your children.

Whatever you may think you are losing, your children are losing it twice.

The very foundation of their security – their love for Mom and Dad – is being thrown into turmoil.


However!

What your children need first and foremost during your separation are their parents!

Your Emotional Wellbeing is therefore very important and a priority.


You need to be prepared to break the news to them.• Try, as much as you can to tell them the news together.

• Rehearse what you are going to say and think carefully “how you are you going to

tell the kids about your divorce”.


Small children often play dress up and enjoy wearing their parents shoes and act like

them and pretend to be “grown ups”. They do so by watching you and mimicking your

behaviours.

Likewise, minimise the stress of telling your children the news of your separation by

putting yourself in their shoes. You know what your children are like. Tune yourself to

their personalities to minimise the impact of the news.

• Imagine yourself breaking the news to your children and imagine yourself being

them receiving the news.

• How would THEY feel?

• How would YOU feel if you were them?

• You know your children and their personalities. How do you think they would

react?

• Are they likely to blame themselves … be angry … beg you to stay together …

want to run away and hide?

• Be prepared with the most comforting words and reassurances that will resonate

with each child.


Children whose parents are divorcing have a great deal to be angry about. Just about every child going through divorce is an angry child. There

may be exceptions, but not many.

Rule number no.1. Don’t tell them not to be angry. Doing so will only deny their feelings. Be understanding and coach them in expressing their anger instead of reacting to their anger.


Nothing is more important than reassuring your children, but do not mistake

reassurance with promises.

Reassure them that it is not their fault.

This is about Mom and Dad not going to live together anymore and it has nothing to do

with them.

Reassure them that even though you will be living apart, you will always love them and will always be Mom & Dad.


You may feel relieved that your children are adjusting to your separation without anger

and it is one less thing for you to worry about.

Many children who portray a calm, even cheerful demeanour through divorce are

seething inside, and they may later express their anger in destructive ways, like

depression, substance abuse, and/or rebellious behaviour.

In addition, repressed anger often shows up disguised as sickness, for example,

headaches, sleeplessness, wetting the bed when they had grown out of it.

Stay tuned to your children’s personality and be attentive to the many ways they could be expressing or not expressing their distress.


Don't use your children as leverage in a divorce struggle between you and your ex.

The split affects them, but it should not involve them.

Make sure that you are being a good parent by taking care of your children, and make

sure that your children understand that, no matter what happens, you love them and

have their best interests at heart.


Understand that what is in the best interest of the children should read “Children are

family, not property.”

Do not confuse your feelings towards each other with your feelings towards your

children and ask yourself:

Is your love for your children greater than any issue you could ever have with each other?


i’m breaking up. now what

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