humans aren't computers: leadership training for it leaders

Humans Arent Computers

Effective Management Strategies for IT

Leaders

Who Are We? Michele Chubirka, aka "Mrs. Y., host of Healthy

Paranoia Podcast, information security feed of Packetpushers and official nerd stalker.

www.healthyparanoia.net [email protected] @MrsYisWhy Joe Weston, workshop facilitator, consultant, and

author of the book Mastering Respectful Confrontation. Also founder of the Heartwalker Peace Project.

[email protected] http://www.respectfulconfrontation.com/

Who We Arent

How engaged can you be today?

How many of you started out as engineers or technical staff?

Are you happy and energized by this choice?

Would you like to improve the quality of your professional environment?

Why did you accept a leadership role?

Whats the SLA with Our Staff?

Employees Are the Most Valuable Asset. Why is the relationship so challenging? Do we treat them better or worse than our

hardware assets?

Leadership is not a rank, its a decision. -Simon Sinek

State of the Workplace

According to Wikipedia: An "engaged employee" is one who is fully absorbed by and enthusiastic about their work and so takes positive action to further the organization's reputation and interests.

Gallups 2013 State of the American Workplace

Engagement brings higher productivity, profits, customer ratings and employee retention

Disengagement costs U.S. $450 to $550 billion per year.

70% of American workers are not engaged or actively disengaged.

Those with college degree are less likely to be engaged.

2012 Global Workforce Study by Towers Watson

Out of 32,000 full-time workers, only 35% were highly engaged.

Employee retention depends on relationship with management, trust in senior leadership and ability to manage work-related stress.

Less than half surveyed believed that supervisors have time to address interpersonal issues.

Drivers of Engagement

Leadership Stress, balance and workload Goals and objectives Supervisors Organizations image

Motivation and Engagement

Study sponsored by the Federal Reserve Bank found three main factors motivate people in their work. Autonomy Mastery Purpose

What Can You Do About It?

Power and Leadership in the 21st century

Key Areas to Balance for Successful Leadership

Productivity Relationship Self Care

Human beings have discretionary energy, and they would give it to you if you treat them with dignity and respect. -Paul ONeill, former Treasury Secretary of US under George W. Bush

When one moves into their vulnerability,

then their true power is revealed.

Brain RTFM

"The human brain hasn't had a hardware upgrade in about 100,000 years."

Daniel Goleman, Author of Emotional Intelligence

Neuroscience 101 Limbic System: The interior of the cortex, includes the hippocampus and amygdala. Supports emotion and long-term memory. Prefrontal Cortex: Region responsible for planning, decision making and moderating behavior.

Think of the limbic system to the prefrontal cortex as a horse is to a rider.

Demonstration: A Brain In the Palm of Your Hand

Hold up your hand and make a fist. This is a good representation of the

brain and spinal column. The brain stem, limbic system and

neocortex.

* These two slides are oversimplifications of a very complex system.

The Threat Response: Step 1 Cortex receives input (externally or internally) from the thalamus, a component of the limbic system.

The Threat Response: Step 2 Limbic system and prefrontal cortex (the executive or evaluator of the brain) take in data. Limbic system processes faster.

The Threat Response: Step 3 Amygdala, responsible for emotional response and memory, acts as an alarm activating the fight/flight hormonal response if threat is perceived.

The Threat Response: 4 The sympathetic nervous system sets up organs and muscles for fight/flight response, inhibiting digestion and the hypothalamus prompts the release of stress hormones.

Emotional Contagion The limbic system is an open loop,

influenced by other peoples emotions, aka mirror neurons.

Mirror neurons activate when an animal performs an action or when an animal observes the same action of another animal.

They are thought to be the basis of empathy.

Also called emotional contagion.

The Power of Mirror Neurons Marie Dasborough observed two groups: One group was given negative feedback

accompanied by positive emotional signs, nods and smiles.

Another was provided positive feedback that was delivered using negative emotional cues, frowns and narrowed eyes.

Entrainment

Those receiving positive feedback with negative emotional signs reportedly felt worse than participants receiving negative feedback given with positive emotional cues.

Your emotions and actions are mirrored by those around you.

Negativity The brain has a negativity bias because

the limbic system is quicker than the prefrontal cortex at perceiving and analyzing potential threats.

Traumatic experiences are stickier than positive, happy experiences, i.e. harder to un-map.

No Escape From Threat

Most are in a permanent state of cortisol overload due to the constant stressors of modern life.

Stress hormones stay in the body for hours.

Decreases intellectual capacity, memory capacity and lowers impulse control.

Stress makes you stupid.

Amygdala Hijack? An intense and immediate emotional reaction, followed by the understanding that it was inappropriate. I thought that stick on the ground was a

snake! I dont like you or Im bored, so I wont

cooperate or listen to what you have to say. That guy who cut me off in traffic was trying

to kill me! Why were you so insulting to me in that

email yesterday? (studies show theres a negativity bias in email.)

Other examples?

Thin Slicing

Human beings make quick decisions based on intuition.

This is called Thin Slicing or Fast Thinking.

Thin Slicing: Bedside Manner

The likelihood of a doctor being sued doesnt correlate with the number of errors made.

Psychologists are able to predict which doctors will be sued by analyzing the amount of time spent with patients and if the tone of their voices sounded concerned.

Theres No Mr. Spock

Neurologist, Dr. Antonio Damasio, had a patient who had been a successful corporate lawyer.

A tumor was discovered in his prefrontal lobes and the surgeon who removed it inadvertently severed the circuit between this area and his amygdala.

Somatic Marker No damage to his cognitive abilities, but

his life fell apart. He couldnt make decisions when

presented with simple choices. He no longer had any feelings regarding

options, no preferences. Case is basis for the Somatic Marker

Hypothesis, a theory that emotions assist with decision-making.

It is a gross misconception that reason can be completely separated from emotion.

Bounded Emotionality

Connections matter

How To Engage a Terrorist

Interrogator, Matthew Alexander discovered that building rapport with prisoners in Iraq was the most effective interrogation method, not torture.

The quickest way to get most (but not all) captives talking is to be nice to them. Mark Bowden, author of Black Hawk Down

Common Social Heuristics

Tit for Tat: Be kind first, keep a memory of size one, and

imitate your partners last behavior. Only the last behavior is remembered and

imitated. Political scientist Robert Axelrod found this to

be the most frequently winning strategy. Dont Break Ranks

Is Efficiency Overrated? Study conducted by Gillian M. Sandstrom

and Elizabeth W. Dunn of the University of British Columbia.

Participants who smiled, made eye contact, and talked with the cashier at a coffee shop reported higher satisfaction and moods than those who avoided interaction.

Small, unimportant interactions with others can create a feeling of connection according to researchers.

Social Connections Matter

Anthropologist Robin Dunbar found that a species brain sizesize of its neocortex, the outermost layeris linked to the size of its social group.

We have big brains in order to socialize.

Were Wired To Be Social

In the brains non-active moments, it reverts to a configuration called the default network.

According to researcher, Matthew Lieberman, this appears to resemble another configuration, the social thinking brain, which is empathetic.

Make Stress Your Friend A study tracked stress in 30,000 adults

over eight years. Researchers found those under great

stress had a 43% increased risk of death, if they believed stress was dangerous.

Under stress, the pituitary gland releases Oxytocin, the bonding hormone.

Acts as anti-inflammatory which can counteract negative effects of stress.

Your Response to Stress Matters

"When you choose to connect with others under stress, you can create resilience" - Kelly McGonigal, health psychologist and researcher, Stanford University

Methods of Engagement Interaction based on core competencies

of Emotional Intelligence, such as self-awareness, self-regulation, empathy, and motivation.

Social engineers and con artists use the same skills to create emotional and social affinity with a target.

Conflict resolution methods.

We have to face the fact that either all of us are going to die together or we are going to learn to live together, and if we are to live together we have to talk. - Eleanor Roosevelt

Effective Collaboration Levels

Personal Social

Institutional

Personal + social = institutional change

Communication Models Based On Empathy

XYZ model NVC Respectful Confrontation

Marshall Rosenbergs Non-Violent Communication

Facts or observations Feelings Needs or whats alive Request

Joe Westons Respectful Confrontation

Behavior Impact Need Make a request

"Niceness can be a dodge to avoid engaging in unpleasant interactions." -Bill Kahn, Ph.D.

Goals Learn about empowered, collaborative

engagement. Reframe views on confrontation,

assertiveness, and true power. Achieve greater self-confidence, personal

freedom, fulfillment, and peaceful interactions with others.

My truth The truth

Respectful Confrontation

The practice of developing the respectful self The practice of respectful engagement The practice of respectful offense The practice of respectful defense

3 Fs

Fight Flight Freeze

148 mastering RESPECTFUL CONFRONTATION

arise due to these hidden factors. Lets put on our diving gear, jump in,

and explore what is under the surface. Take a look at the following chart

and see if you recognize these factors and how they influence your inter-

actions. Notice that as you go lower on the iceberg, the unseen factors

get more subtle and harder to detect. As we swim around and explore

this dark world of rich and colorful personality traits, make it personal

to you. See how each factor could color, influence, enhance, disrupt, and

break down your communication, connection, and collaboration.

ICEBERG CHART

BODY LANGUAGE FACIAL EXPRESSION

PHYSICAL SENSATIONS /CONDITIONS AND BODY CHALLENGES

SURROUNDINGS / ENVIRONMENTTEMPERATURE, TIME OF DAY

RELATIONSHIP

POWER DYNAMICPOWER STATUS PAST HISTORY

MOOD

EMOTIONS, PERSONAL PHILOSOPHY, BELIEFS, PREJUDICES, JUDGMENTS,

CULTURE, RACE, GENDER, CUSTOMS, RELIGION, EDUCATION, LOVE

FEAR, WOUNDS, NEEDS, DESIRES,

LONGING, TRAUMAS, INSECURITIES

VERBAL

10%

90%

Hmm, Id like a cup of tea

5 Steps of Clear Communication

1. Contact with yourself 2. Contact with other 3. Desire/Impulse 4. Act of communication 5. Received message

True power = Brute force Confrontation = Conflict

Assertiveness = Aggression

Brute force true power

4 Pillars of True Power Grounding Focus Strength Flexibility

Conflict confrontation

Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak. Courage is what it takes to sit down and listen. - Winston Churchill

1 : FIGHT, BATTLE, WAR 2 a : competitive or opposing action of incompatibles : antagonistic state or action (as of divergent ideas, interests, or persons) b : mental struggle resulting from incompatible or opposing needs, drives, wishes, or external or internal demands; see DISCORD

Conflict

Confront confront 1 : to face especially in challenge : OPPOSE 2 a : to cause to meet : bring face-to-face b : to meet face-to-face : ENCOUNTER

Respectful Confrontation Definition

CONFLICT: an encounter that leads to the further separation of individuals, the breakdown of relationship, and the disempowerment of the other.


CONFRONTATION: an encounter that leads to individuals coming closer together, deepening of relationship, and the empowerment of all involved.

If you fear making anyone mad, then you ultimately probe for the lowest common denominator of human achievement. - Former President, Jimmy Carter

157

possible throughout the day. The more you use it, the more familiar it

will become. When these new words become second nature, you will

find yourself using them in your engagements with others, resulting in

deeper, richer interactions.

ALIVE

ANNOYED

APPRECIATIVE

CALM

CONFIDENT

CONFUSED

CONTENT

EMBARRASSED

DESPAIRING

DESPERATE

DISAPPOINTED

ECSTATIC

EXCITED

FASCINATED

FRUSTRATED

GLAD

HELPLESS

HURT

INSPIRED

INTERESTED

IRRITABLE

JOYFUL

LONELY

LOVING

MISCHIEVOUS

NERVOUS

OVERWHELMED

PLAYFUL

PUZZLED

SAD

SATISFIED

SCARED

SHOCKED

SUSPICIOUS

TENDER

TIRED

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

NEEDS. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

FEELINGS . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

PLEASANT / UNPLEASANT

ACCEPTANCE

AUTHENTICITY

BELONGING

CELEBRATION

CLARITY

COOPERATION

CREATIVITY

EASE

EQUALITY

FLOW

FREEDOM

GROWTH

HARMONY

HONESTY

INFLUENCE

INTEGRITY

TO KNOW

LOVE

TO MATTER

MEANING

ORDER

PLAY

POWER

PROTECTION

RESPECT

REST

SAFETY

TO BE SEEN

SUPPORT

SUSTENANCE

TOUCH

UNDERSTANDING

understanding communication

51

VALUES. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

ACCOMPLISHMENT/SUCCESS

ACCOUNTABILITY

ACCURACY

BEAUTY

CALM

CHALLENGE

COLLABORATION

COMMUNITY

COMPETITION

CREATIVITY

DELIGHT IN BEING/JOY

DISCIPLINE

EFFICIENCY

courageous self-reflection

EQUALITY

FAITH

FAMILY

FREEDOM

FRIENDSHIP

FUN

HARD WORK

INDEPENDENCE

INNOVATION

JUSTICE

KNOWLEDGE

LEADERSHIP

LOVE/ROMANCE

LOYALTY

MONEY

PEACE/NON-VIOLENCE

PLEASURE

POWER

PROSPERITY/WEALTH

SERVICE

SIMPLICITY

SKILL

STATUS

TRADITION

TRUTH

WISDOM

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

X Choose ten values from the list

After reading through this list, decide which of these values reso-

nate with you the most. Which ones get you excited and energized?

Which ones are you willing to stand up for if you feel they are

being threatened or violated? Which ones inspire your creativity?

Write these ten values in your journal. Take your time before you

decide.

X Choose five values from your list of ten

Now we are getting deeper into the core of who you are. Of these

ten values, which would you say are your top five? Write these five

values in your journal. Take your time before you decide.

Aggression Assertiveness

Assertive

1 : disposed to or characterized by bold or confident assertion 2 : having a strong or distinctive flavor or aroma

Aggressive 1 a: tending toward or exhibiting aggression b: marked by combative readiness 2 a: marked by obtrusive energy b: marked by driving forceful energy or initiative : enterprising 3: strong or emphatic in effect or intent 4: growing, developing, or spreading rapidly


AGGRESSION: any behavior, action, remark, gesture, or facial expression that impacts another with the goal to disempower and/or is received by the other in a harmful, threatening way.


ASSERTIVENESS: any behavior, action, remark, gesture, or facial expression that impacts another with the goal to empower and/or is received by the other in a positive way.

With realization of ones potential, and self-confidence in ones ability, one can build a better world. - His Holiness the Dalai Lama

Water is fluid, soft, and yielding. But water will wear away rock, which is rigid and cannot yield.... what is soft is strong. - Lao Tzu

http://www.respectfulconfrontation.com/

Key Takeaways Bad trumps good in the human brain. You cant turn your emotions off or leave them at

home. Its like wearing a bad toupee. You arent fooling anyone.

If the limbic system is an open loop, were all responsible for the quality of the emotional landscape.

Stress makes you stupid, by shutting down blood flow to the critical pre-frontal lobes. If you set off a stress response in someone, you minimize the chance of having a rational dialogue.

Confrontation isnt always negative. Resistance to change can be a valuable source of feedback.

Where Can You Find Us? Michele Chubirka, spending quality time in kernel mode. http://www.healthyparanoia.net Twitter @MrsYisWhy Google+ MrsYisWhy [email protected] Joe Weston, writing and teaching workshops. http://www.respectfulconfrontation.com/

References Esfahani Smith, Emily. "Social Connection Makes a Better Brain." The Atlantic 29 Oct. 2013: n. pag. Print. Global Workforce Study - Engagement at Risk: Driving Strong Performance in a Volatile Global Environment. Rep. no. TW-NA-2012-25644. N.p.: Towers Watson, 2012. Print. Goleman, Daniel, and Richard Boyatzis. "Social Intelligence and the Biology of Leadership." Harvard Business Review Sept. 2008: 74-81. Print. Goleman, Daniel. Working with Emotional Intelligence. New York: Bantam, 1998. Print. Hanson, Rick, and Richard Mendius. Buddha's Brain: The Practical Neuroscience of Happiness, Love & Wisdom. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, 2009. Print. Kryder, Suzanne. The Mind to Lead. N.p.: NeuroLeap, 2011. Print. Luders, Eileen, Florian Kurth, Emeran A. Mayer, Arthur W. Toga, Katherine L. Narr, and Christian Gaser. "The Unique Brain Anatomy of Meditation Practitioners: Alterations in Cortical Gyrification." Frontiers in Human Neuroscience 6.34 (2012): 1-9. Print. O'Connell, Andrew. "HBR Blog Network / The Daily Stat." Harvard Business Review. Harvard Business Review, 30 Oct. 2013. Web. 02 Nov. 2013. Pink, Daniel H. Drive: The Surprising Truth about What Motivates Us. New York, NY: Riverhead, 2009. Print. Pink, Daniel. "Why Bosses Need to Show Their Soft Side." The Telegraph 17 July 2011: n. pag. Print. Rosenberg, Marshall B. Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life. Encinitas, CA: PuddleDancer, 2003. Print. Siegel, Daniel J. The Mindful Brain: Reflection and Attunement in the Cultivation of Well-being. New York: W.W. Norton, 2007. Print. State of the American Workplace: Employee Engagement Insights for U.S. Business Leaders. Rep. N.p.: Gallup, 2013. Print. Weston, Joe. Mastering Respectful Confrontation: A Guide to Personal Freedom and Empowered, Collaborative Engagement. Emeryville, CA: Heartwalker, 2011. Print.

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