how to talk so little kids (and big kids) will- joanna faber is the daughter of adele faber (who...
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HowtoTalksoLittleKids(AndBigKids)WillListenInterviewwithJulieKingandJoannaFaberhttp://howtotalksolittlekidswilllisten.com/TakeAction:Acknowledgefeelingsasmuchasyoucan,andworkonestablishingtheconnectionandrelationshipwithyourchild-thesecreateastrongerfoundationforchildrentolisten.InterviewNotesandMinutesMeetJulieandJoanna0:20
- WrotethebookHowtoTalksoLittleKidsWillListen- JoannaFaberisthedaughterofAdeleFaber(whowroteHowtoTalkso
KidsWillListenandHowtoListensoKidsWillTalk)andsheisamomof3;shewasateacherinHarlemfor10years
- JulieKinghasdoneworkshopsover20yearsandshehasexpertiseinapplyingtheseprinciplestokidswithAutismandSensoryProcessingDisorders
- Thebookishilarious,you’llrelate,andtheskillswork- They’regoingtowalkusthroughreal-lifeexamples(fromDesi’slife)and
howtogetkidstolistenExample#1:2:03DesitookhersontothegrocerystoreandhersonwantedstrawberryHaloTopicecream(whichisexpensive).Shesaidtheycouldshareandhewantedthewholethingtohimself,hewasupsetaboutitallthewayouttothecar.
- It’stemptingtorespond,“Ifyoukeepthisup,you’renotgettinganyicecream”whichdoesn’tmakeforapleasantrestoftheshoppingtrip
- Startbyacceptingfeelingswhilelimitingactions- Beforeyouevenputtheicecreamintothecart,acknowledgehisfeelings
withwords“Youdon’tjustwanthalf-youwantallofit.”- Youcangivetheirwishesandfantasies,“Boy,Ibetyou’dbehappyifwe
couldgetawholeswimmingpooloficecream.”
o Often,that’senoughtoacknowledgethestrongfeelingswarmly.Thatcanaddressthetension
- But,ifyourchildispersistent,thenyoucangiveinformationandachoicetohelpmoveon.
o “Well,you’restuckwithamomwhocaresabouttoomuchsugar,soI’mwillingtogetonetubforthefamily.Icanpickitoutoryoucanpickitout.”
- Ifhekeepsscreaming,youcanshareyourfeelingsusingan“Imessage”-“Idon’tfeellikegettingicecreamwhenI’mbeingscreamedat”
- 2storiesabouthowthisapproachworkso Thechocolatemilkstoryo Achildinaclassroomcleaningblocks
- It’seasierforchildrentoacceptlimitswhenwestartbyacceptingtheirfeelings
o Thelimitsarestillheld;itactuallymakesiteasiertobestricto Thisworksforolderkidstoo
Example#2:11:52Desi’sfamilywasathermom’shouseanditwastimetogo.Cooperwashavingfunandhewasnothappytoleave.WhenDesipickedhimuptogohebitherontheshoulder.
- Theperfectreactioncouldbetoyell“Oww!”anddropyourkid(whichiswhatDesidid)
o Thatgivesthemalotofgoodfeedback- Again,thefirstruleistotalkaboutfeelings,forexample“Boy,youdon’t
liketoleavewhenyou’rehavingfun-youprobablywishyoucouldstayhereallnight”
- Then,findawaytogivethekidsomehealthycontrol-theyfeellikewe’rearbitrarilymovingthemaround.
- Peopletendtobemorecooperativewhentheyhaveautonomyandcontrol.
o Example:Givethekidastopwatchortimer-“Wehavetoleavein10minutes-canyousetthetimerandletusknowwhenweneedtogo?”
o TheTimeTimerisagreattooltovisuallyseehowtimeisgoing- Anotheroptionistomakesomethingagame.Inthiscase,thekidthinks
they’releavingthefunsituation,sothinkaboutmakingthetransitionfun.
o Forexample,“Wouldyouliketohoplikearabbittothecar?Orwouldyouliketowalkbackward?”
Problemsolvingaheadoftime17:35
- Sitdownwithyourkidsandstartwithacknowledgingtheirfeelings,forexample“Youhaveahardtimeleavingtheparkwhenyou’rehavingsomuchfun.”Spendalotoftimeonthat.
- Thenyoushareyourfeelings,“Idon’tlikegoingtotheparkwhenyou’regoingtoscreamatmewhenweleave.Weneedideas.Whatshouldwedo?”
o Andyoucomeupwithideasforhowtohandlethesituation,forexampleasignalthatmeansit’sreallytimetoleavetheparkorasnackleftinthecarforwhenyou’redonesotheyareexcitedtoleave
- It’sahugethingtoenlistkidsandgetthemonyourside;itfeelstime-consuming,butit’shelpfultogeteveryoneonthesamepageandsameteamwhichsavesyoutimeinthelongrun
- Usethistacticforrepetitiveissues- Keepinmindthesestrategiesworkforkidsofallagesofkids
Example#3:23:15Desi’smom’shousehaslotsoftoysandhersonwasdumpingoutallthebins,andinsteadofhelpingcleanupattheend,hewantedtojustkeepdumpingbins.
- Adultsgetexcitedbyacleanandorderlyroomandkidsdon’tcare- Thebestthingtodowithlittlekidsistomakecleaninguppleasantandfun- Kidsdon’thaveawork-ethic,theyhaveaplay-ethic
o Storyfromapre-schoolteacherwhoplaysdifferentpacesofmusicandthekidshavetocleanuptothatpace
o Youcanalsohavethekidstossthetoysintothebinsmakingitagame
o Onemommadethetoybag“talk”andfeedthebagwithtoys(thisoneworkssowell)
- Askkidshowlongitwilltaketocleanandthensetthetimero Thisworkswithothertaskslikehomeworktoo:havinganendpoint
ishelpful
- Sometimesyourchildisgrumpyoroutofsorts,anditwillsaveyougriefifyoujustdoityourself.Eventuallythey’llunderstandwhytheyshouldcleanupandhaveastrongerworkethic
o Youcan’tcontrolthembyforce,soworkonbuildingtheconnectionandlistening,andfindingsolutions,sostartthatwhenthey’relittletheybuildworkethic
Finalthoughts33:05
- Rememberhowimportanttherelationshipandtheconnectionaresothatyourkidswanttolistenandcooperate
- Acknowledgefeelingsandknowthatyouwon’tmanageeverymomentperfectly
- Pickuptheirbookitwillmakeyoulaughandgiveyouconcretetoolstohelpyourkidswanttolisten.Thereisalsoaspecialchapterforusingthetoolswithkidswhohaveautismorsensoryprocessingdisorder!
WheretofindJulieandJoanna:
- HowToTalkSoLittleKidsWillListenthebook- HowToTalkSoYourKidsWillListenandListenSoYourKidsWillTalk(a
classicwrittenbyJoannaFaber’smom)- OnFacebook- http://howtotalksolittlekidswilllisten.com/- www.julieking.org
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