How to Survive Raising a Teenage Daughter : Tips from the ‘Inside’

- Mili Eugine

Having just passed out of teen-age, I think of myself as a treasure-trove of information for all those hazzled mothers out there trying to raise their teenage daughters ‘just right’.

My first piece of advice to you would be to chuck those advice columns that you keep safely stashed under the bed “in case of emergencies”, ranging from “My daughter just told me she hates me” to “My daughter tried to kill herself. What should I do?” If you stop and think about it, the best advice you can get about your daughter, who, by the way, you carried around for nine months and you fed and bathed and loved and spent every waking moment with is, in fact, YOU. (I don’t mean to exclude fathers, but few of them ever read advice columns anyway). The reason I ask you to throw those columns in the trash is because they were written by primitive-minded people, who, quite frankly, must have surely forgotten what it was like to be this age (although they all assure us that they have passed through it and so warn us not to “try your tricks with us, ok?”). Besides, after having raised kids yourself, you’re obviously more biased towards the parents.

When relatively normal and rule-abiding teenagers like us used to read these columns, it would prompt even the most mellowed among us to try something crazy. The reason - the adults always have a way of categorizing us into this one group: teenagers = crazy + headstrong+ liars + cheats + … I could go on and on and on. This completely unfair categorization, which typically draws frowns from shopkeepers as we walk in, disgusted looks from “sophisticated” ladies in buses etc., is the most degrading thing I have ever experienced in my life. And what’s really sad is that the above-mentioned definition encompasses just a minority among us – like criminals of the adult world. However, we’re labelled as a whole.

What we crave and beg, right from childhood and well into adolescence, are for our parents’ attentions. And when we are not given positive attention by being available when we need you, we channel our energies on to obtaining negative attention once we’re older. We wish you would be more empathetic to our problems and not brush them aside. However, also remember that you’re the parent so when we have problems that might make us hysterical, please don’t get hysterical yourself; instead, you have to be our support – our standing rock that never wears of, withstanding the tides. Like when it comes to low grades in our exams, what happens most of the time is that everyone panics – mother, father, sister, brother, second cousin twice removed – this has to stop. You have to teach us that this is just a small insignificant little test that does not decide who you are, and does not matter at all when compared to the Test of Life. When you teach us to handle little things like this with a cool head, we will be better able to handle tougher situations, and not jump to drastic measures, like, say, ending our lives. And please remember that only if you are sensitive to us, can we grow to be sensitive-not only to other human beings in distress, but also to every living creature on this planet.

Also, I believe that we children should be treated with respect, and our opinions allowed to be properly expressed, as opposed to treating them as insignificant. This, later, will make or

break the crucial conversations that all teenage daughters must have with their mothers; how much we confide in our mothers, how much we express ourselves and our individuality etc.

I learnt this from the experiences I had with my own parents. Even when I was little, and most of my opinions and questions were silly and childish (like the most dreaded - “where do babies come from?”), my parents patiently sat and listened to what I had to say and respected me like they would another adult. And, most importantly, they answered all my questions truthfully and honestly. This helped me grow enough to ask them bigger and more complicated questions as I advanced in age. If I hadn’t been given that freedom when I was small, my thirst for knowledge would have gone unquenched.

The problem is, questions like “Why can’t I try drugs? Everyone else is doing it”, is almost always smothered by answers like “Don’t be stupid! Do you want to kill yourself?” This just confuses us and doesn’t answer our question at all. We need to be told the reason: “If you do take drugs, you won’t be able to stop whenever you feel like it. It is addictive. You will almost certainly lose your mind, and slowly, your body. You won’t be able to fulfil all your dreams. Now it’s your choice.” Just giving us that sense of self-worth and making us feel like you trust us enough to make the right choice is enough for us to never even think about taking drugs, or anything else that would make us stray towards the wrong path.

As a daughter, this is what I got, and I hope that it was what others get. As a prospective mother, I pray that I will be able to assess my child and give her the right advice at the right time, but only in the right dosage. I pray that other daughters like me can grow up to be these kind of mothers for their children. I pray that we may know the difference between mothering and smothering – in spelling, only a single letter, but in meaning, a lifetime of difference.

Dedicated to my rock and my critic – my father;And to my friend, my confidant, and my teacher – my mother.