RELATIONSHIP MATTERS NEGOTIATING MAJOR DISAGREEMENTS

Q: My wife, Chandra, and I have been married for seven

years and we don’t have children yet. We’re having our first major conflict. Initially, we both agreed it was time for us to move from our small house into a larger one.

However, when we try to discuss where we’d like to move and the type of home we’d like to buy, the conversations become a debate, and then an argument. How on earth will we ever reach an agreement when what we want seems so different and we’re unable to talk about it in a civil manner?

A: When couples come up against a big difference in their

wants, it can be very stressful. It sounds like you and Chandra are in that place now. At times such as these, it’s usually helpful to remind each other of the positives in your relationship and the things you enjoy doing together.

Also, realize you’re different people with differing wants, needs, and feelings. It’s okay to not want the same things all the time.

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In the meantime, take responsibility for your tone, volume, and words during your conversations. Refuse to be the one who escalates the discussion to a debate or argument. Remind yourself that you’re a part of a team charged with coming to a satisfactory conclusion that’s best for both of you.

If you notice Chandra’s voice volume or tone rising, ensure you’re looking at her and listening to what she’s saying. It’s perfectly appropriate to respond in a calm, quiet tone by saying something like:

“Chandra, I’m interested in what you have to say, but when your voice gets louder I have trouble paying attention to your words,” or, “It sounds to me like you’re irritated (frustrated, angry, or some other emotion).”

Sometimes, repeating her statements back to her in your own words will clarify what she’s saying. Plus, doing so gives Chandra the opportunity to acknowledge her anger (or whatever her feeling is) to you. Then, perhaps she can share why she’s feeling the way she is. Using clarification techniques helps to avoid misunderstandings.

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Keep in mind that if Chandra feels you’re not listening to her, it may agitate her more and contribute to further emotional escalation during your conversations.

Q: I guess I could listen a little better and pay more attention

to how I speak to her during our discussions. But the fact remains that I want to live in town while she prefers to move to a rural area. Will one of us simply have to give up everything we want to please the other?

A: It sounds like you’re struggling to figure out how to move

forward in your house hunting when there’s no agreement on the particulars. A large part of life at work, in your social arena, or with your relationships, is negotiating to get your wants and needs met.

In reality, it’s unrealistic to expect to have 100% of your wishes satisfied. However, you can evaluate what your most important desires truly are and negotiate with Chandra to fulfill them.

Keep in mind that when we’re one-half of an emotionally intimate relationship, it’s necessary to be flexible on as many issues as possible. When you get married, you’re agreeing to share your lives. Sometimes, sharing involves giving up

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things for the other person. Yet, there’s much more to be gained from being in a close, loving partnership.

Q: Are you saying that if we each give a little and make it

clear what’s most important to us when looking for a house, we’ll be able to work things out?

A: Yes. It will take a positive attitude, patience,

understanding, and flexibility from both of you to resolve your conflict.

Q: How exactly can we do that?

A: Perhaps it would be helpful if each of you made a list of

your top three to five desires related to your future home. A list might look something like: “I want a family room, three bedrooms, a more updated home (ten years old or less), a location within 30 minutes of my workplace, and shopping opportunities close to the house.”

When you record and reflect on the features you want most in a home, it helps you recognize what’s most important to you and what you really want. Then, you can each share your wishes with the other.

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Q: I see. So rather than my insisting on trying to obtain every

single feature I want, narrow it down to the top five or so issues that are most important to me. I guess it might be a bit over-controlling to expect to get every single thing I want without regard for what my partner wants. I have to keep in mind what’s important to Chandra, too.

I like the idea of both of us making a list because I’ll be able to see what home features are most important to her. After we share our lists, what do we do next?

A: Making lists can help you see where you’re in agreement

and which points will require negotiation to resolve. Then, you can discuss those points while being respectful of each other’s opinions.

For example, maybe Chandra is interested in living in an exceptional school district because she knows you’ve talked about having children. Perhaps you hadn’t considered that before. However, after listening to her reasoning, you see that it’s pretty wise of her to think ahead about the schools, so you won’t have to move again after you have kids.

This example illuminates the importance of listening to your partner’s position on why they want specific things. You each

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may want some things “just because,” while you have other relevant reasons for selecting certain specifications.

Q: I see that, rather than being so quick to argue for what I

want, I also need to listen to what Chandra wants. If we come to a genuine point of contention though (like how I want to live in town while she wants to live in the country), what can we do?

A: Approach your differences as something you’ll resolve

together as opposed to something you’re in major disagreement about. Then, you’ll be able to go into discussions in a problem-solving mode rather than wanting to “fight” for what you want.

You say that you want to live in town while Chandra seeks a life in the country. Consider these points when you’re working toward resolution of this particular point of contention:

➡ Listen to Chandra’s reasons for wanting to live in a rural area.

➡ Share your reasons for wanting to live in town.

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➡ Work together and consider the day-to-day ramifications for each of you of living in a town versus a rural setting.

➡ Take into account the financial impact of living in each area.

Calmly weighing the pros and cons of the wants and needs of both parties is the best way to negotiate and work out any differences. You’ll each be more likely to “let go” of some features you’ve been insisting on when you work together to determine what location, cost, and conveniences will be best for both of you.

Avoid looking at your differences as a “you versus her” situation. Instead, view those differences as a part of your relationship that makes things interesting. Sometimes, it can be good to get out of your comfort zone and try new things. Attempt to reach a compromise that satisfies some needs for each of you.

In this instance, you may be able to agree on finding a home right on the edge of the town where it seems more rural, but still provides quick access to city amenities.

Most importantly, acknowledge that it’s perfectly okay if Chandra presents a better argument and more support for a

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feature she desires. She might think of points that you had yet to consider and vice versa. Keep an open mind during your discussions. Your exchanges will be eye-opening and more productive when you listen to what she has to say.

Q I can see how my insistence to stay focused only on my

wants has prevented me from being accepting of her ideas and opinions. Now I realize that what I’ve been doing has hampered the process of moving forward to find our next home. But how can I get her to be more willing to accept my input on our new house?

A: Sometimes, the best thing we can do in a marriage is

alter our attitudes and behaviors. This allows us to become more willing, open, and caring toward our partner.

As Chandra sees you demonstrating more careful listening, clarifying what she’s saying, using a kind tone of voice, and being honest, it’s quite possible she’ll begin doing the same toward you.

However, if at any time you feel she’s struggling to listen to you or discounting what you’re saying, you can shift the conversation and ask her to listen to you.

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You can say something like, “Right now, I feel like I’m not being heard. This point is very important to me, and I’d really like for you to understand my feelings about it.”

When you make a statement such as this, keep your volume low, and use a relaxed tone of voice. Also, maintain eye contact. Chandra will likely see that you’re serious and focused on getting your point across. Therefore, she’ll pay attention to what you’re saying.

Q: Maybe we haven’t been working together as a team very

much lately. Somehow, I got into the mode of discounting what Chandra wants. What can I do to avoid getting caught up with my own needs and recognize that Chandra’s needs are equally important?

A: It’s easy to start feeling too comfortable when you’re in a

long-term relationship. You may begin to focus less on the “us” aspect of the relationship, and slip back into thinking mostly of yourself.

You make a wise point. It’s up to all of us who are in an important relationship to remind ourselves each day that we’re part of a couple and that our partner’s opinion matters.

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Perhaps when you look in the mirror as you’re getting ready for the day, you can remind yourself to be a kind, caring partner to the love of your life. Reflect on how lucky you are to have this partner. Make a promise to demonstrate how much you cherish Chandra each and every day.

When you look at your life as one big adventure and are willing to push yourself outside of your own comfort zone, some incredible self-discoveries can occur and your life can become richer.

Think about how your life is truly better because you have Chandra as your life partner, and your willingness to explore new horizons with her will increase.

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