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Has something like this ever happened to you?

So recently I was talking with my wife. She was thinking about her errands for the day and she was visibly stressed about them. So she said to me, “I have like, a million things to do today.”

Now I like to think of myself as a caring and sensitive husband, and I would like to say I responded to her with, “Wow, you sound really overwhelmed. What can I help you with?”But that’s not what happened. When she sighed, “I have like, a million things to do today,” I shot back in my most sarcastic voice, “A million? You have a million things to do today?”

As in, “No you don’t, lots of people have far more to do today, what’s your problem, why can’t you handle it?”

You can guess where that headed, it led to a fight. If only I was aware of the feedback I was giving.

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Today we’ll be drawing from two great books – The primary source is Thanks For the Feedback by Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen. I got to hear Sheila speak at the Global Leadership Summit and it was excellent.The other book is Rising Strong by Brene Brown, whose TED Talk on the power of vulnerability is one of the top 5 most viewed TED talks of all time. Thank you to these authors for their work. We’re barely touching the depth of these books, so I encourage you to pick them up if they sound interesting.

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Okay, so What is Feedback? That’s a good starting place.According to Stone & Heen, feedback is, “Any information you get about yourself.” Feedback can come in various forms, like:

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It can be something about your appearance or your lifestyle.

Maybe you should lay off the cookies.

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It can come in the form of a speeding ticket to tell you you weren’t obeying the speed limit.

You were driving too fast.

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It can come from your child regarding your parenting.

You never play with me.

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It can come at your workplace regarding your job performance and opportunities.

We’re giving the promotion to Betsy.

In all these cases, receiving feedback can be so hard.

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We decided to host a webinar on Feedback because receiving feedback isn’t easy. The reason Thanks for the Feedback became a New York Times bestseller is because readers need help with feedback. It can be confusing and even combative in personal relationships and your workplace. I’m guessing you’re here today because you want to turn feedback around to make it work for you, not against you.

But why is Feedback difficult?We want to be accepted – Feedback can feel like rejection and no one wants to be rejected.We want to be right – Feedback often challenges our sense of what is right. And no one wants to be wrong.We want to be settled – Sometimes info we get about ourselves rocks the very foundations of what we believe about where we have come from, where we are now, and where we’re headed. It can be very unsettling.Anyone can give it at any time – Have you ever received feedback when you weren’t expecting it? Sure, it happens all the time. I’ve had my “feedback” filter on since studying this topic and you know what I discovered? People throw feedback around all the time, even when they’re not meaning to.And last, Givers don’t play by the rules. There is a method to offering feedback that is

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helpful, but only a small percentage of people do that. The rest are unaware that they’re spreading unsolicited and unhelpful feedback around like bad breath. Well, you can’t control other people, but you can control how you respond to feedback.

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By managing your feedback process, you can transform negative feedback into advancement opportunities.

Because you can’t control other people.You can’t just say you don’t want to do performance reviews.You can’t make everyone play by the rules.

But you can manage the process by which you receive feedback.

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Listen, how you handle feedback can make or break your career. Let me tell you a story.

Well a few years ago at EnergyCAP, we were looking to hire a graphic designer. Working in the marketing department is a visible position that impacts the company’s brand and reputation, so we were very particular about the type of person we wanted to hire. Of course we wanted someone skilled in graphic design. But another quality was important – the ability to take feedback constructively and make good of criticism. The interviews took on the standard approach, but then we moved into a different segment of the interview. We displayed the candidate’s resume, cover letter, and portfolio on the screen as they had submitted them, and then we displayed them with the mistakes circled in red. Then we asked them why there were mistakes in their work for a job interview in marketing. Now this may sound brutal, but we were looking for candidates who could handle negative feedback well because that would be key to success in the job.

So listen, Candidates who were equal in skill but seemed soft and teachable, and corrected their work after the interview, had advantages over those who didn’t handle the feedback well.

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This is just one example, but how you handle feedback can make or break your career. You can ignore negative feedback on your performance review or welcome it as guidance for improvement. The choice is yours.

The person receiving the feedback is really the critical role. Of course without the feedback giver, there’d be no feedback. But what happens with the feedback is really up to the receiver. This is the position of power.

Let’s get started.

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Number 1: Recognize types of feedback

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Not all feedback is built the same. In their book, Stone and Heen talk about three different types of feedback: appreciation, evaluation, and coaching.

Feedback comes in three forms: appreciation (thanks), evaluation (here’s where you stand), and coaching (here’s a better way to do it).

Let’s talk about each type of feedback.

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Did any of you see the Disney Pixar movie, Inside Out? What color is the emotion joy? Right, she’s yellow. Appreciation just feels good. It makes us happy.

Appreciation is a word of thanks or attention.Appreciation sounds like this:I’m glad you’re on our team. Or You make work fun.Appreciate feedback is mostly about human connections…I notice you and this thing about you. Appreciation is not about getting advice. It’s about communicating something good about the other person.

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On the other hand, Evaluation is different. Evaluation is where you stand, it’s an assessment. That’s why it’s red. When teachers mark wrong answers on your tests, that’s an evaluation.

All the examples I gave at the beginning were evaluations.

Maybe you should lay off the cookies. – evaluation is you are getting chubby compared to how you used to be or how you should beWe’re giving the promotion to Betsy. – you are not as good for the position as Betsy is

I think this is the most common type of feedback we hear. Why? Because we like to judge each other and point out what’s wrong.

Evaluation is important because it aligns expectations – when you’re evaluated, you discover how you stack up to what’s expected of you. And it helps in decision making – evaluation gives the information needed to the evaluator

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Coaching is the third type of feedback. It’s a word of advice. Coaching sounds like this: “I recommend making a list of priorities.” Or “Closing your inbox while you work may help you focus.” Coaching is the color green because it’s focused on growth and development. Coaching focuses on how you can get better. It looks forward to the future.

Now, often a feedback disconnect happens when you’re expecting a certain type of feedback and instead you get something else.

This is what happened with my wife. After sharing that she felt stressed about the day’s errands, she was looking for appreciation from me (thanks for all you do, I notice all your hard work), but instead she got evaluation (you can’t handle it, you’re exaggerating).

Recognizing the different types of feedback is important to managing the feedback process.

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Next is identifying feedback triggers. Sit back and watch this short video.

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“It’s Not About the Nail” is located at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg

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Did you like that video? It illustrates Feedback triggers really well. The wife wasn’t able to receive the valuable feedback her husband was giving.

Feedback triggers are why you can tell your spouse one thing and she doesn’t act on it, but if her friend tells her the exact same thing, then she does it. How frustrating! Feedback triggers set something off inside of us that make the feedback difficult to receive.

We’ll discuss three kinds of feedback triggers:

Truth triggersRelationship triggersIdentity triggers

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Truth triggers are about the content of the feedback itself. It’s not quite landing in the hole. It’s off a bit.

Maybe it came at the wrong time – you just walk in the door from a long day and your kid yells at you for not washing his soccer uniform. Or it’s unfair: you have twice the amount of territory to cover as your coworker, but you’re expected to perform at the same level. Or it’s unhelpful: you’re asked to learn new software but aren’t given the tools to grow.

Regardless, the feedback isn’t going to go away. You have to learn how to deal with it. First, separate the types. What is appreciation, what is evaluation, and what is coaching. Next, find what’s right. Instead of finding what’s wrong with their feedback, find what’s right. It’s true you do have twice the territory as your coworker, but you have twice the commission potential.

Seek to understand. Instead of viewing the feedback from your perspective, try to see it from the other person’s perspective.

If you still can’t accept the feedback, ask for more details. Often when we’re reeling

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from feedback, the last thing we want to do is engage it. We want it to be over and retreat. But asking for more details will help you understand. For example, “Can you help me see why I wasn’t chosen for the promotion?” Ask for the data the person used to make the decision.

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Whereas truth triggers are about the content, relationship triggers are about the relationship. You could hear the relationship trigger in the video – “Stop trying to fix it, you always do this…” Probably if her BFF were saying the same thing, it would be no problem.

A relationship is a system – it’s not that there’s a problem with any one person, but when you put the two together, it creates a system. Relationship triggers are triggered by the dynamics in the system.

What often happens is what’s called “switch track conversations. Switchtrackinghappens when one individual changes the subject in response to feedback. The train was headed in one direction, but now a new track is formed. This happens all the time.

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If both the conversations don’t get back on track, they’ll just keep talking over each other.

To solve this, identify each different track and decide to tackle each one that’s important.

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For example, To your response, the Dept head can say, “I appreciate your concern about working on the weekend. It sounds like you believe we’re understaffed, let’s talk about that next.”

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Whereas truth triggers are about content, and relationship triggers are about the relationship system, identity triggers are about how you see yourself and where you’re going. Negative feedback threatens the balance, and can create fireworks.

I believe this is why American Idol was such a blockbuster show when it first came onto the scene, and has spurred all types of reality talent competition shows.On American Idol, an aspiring singer sang in front of three judges, and was instantly critiqued – given feedback.The most famous judge, Simon Cowell, gave brutally honest feedback:

- “If you had lived 2,000 years ago and sung like that, I think they would have stoned you.“

- "Not in a billion years. There's only so many words I can drag out of my vocabulary to say how awful that was."

- “Last year I described someone as being the worst singer in America. I think you're possibly the worst singer in the world."

In response, some singers cried, some got angry, some flicked off the camera. The

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viewing public got to see their reaction to the feedback…and loved it, it made for great television.

Now what was happening in front of our very eyes? Identity triggers were going off on television sets all over. These aspiring singers saw themselves as good singers…they saw themselves singing on television and winning the competition and getting big record deals and selling out stadiums. That was the future they had made up for themselves. But in an instant, Simon Cowell smashed the stories they had made up about themselves.

Identity triggers are perhaps the most explosive because they are very personal and affect our sense of the future.

And they’re tied up in emotion. Strong feelings can distort. Says the book, “If you’re in the grip of strong emotion, negative feedback floods across boundaries into other areas of your self-image: I sing off key? I can’t do anything right. I handed the project in late? I’m totally unreliable.

So be on guard when your identity trigger is set off and be careful about strong emotions that distort the feedback.

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Another part of managing the feedback process is understanding the story you’re telling yourself.

Psychologists tell us we are wired to make up a story about what is happening to us. We want to, no we have to, make sense of things.

Our brains take the available data in order to create a story. When data is missing, the brain fills in data in order to form the story.

That’s why this sort of thing happens:

- Your daughter goes on a date, but doesn’t make it home in time for her curfew. But why? What happened? Your brain’s trying to make sense of it. You don’t have the data, so in its absence, you will make up a story. That boyfriend doesn’t respect the curfew. So the story becomes, “That boyfriend is a bad influence and will not take your daughter out again.” Ah but wait, in reality, they had stopped so the boyfriend could help a motorist with a flat tire.

Because of lack of data and distorting emotions, we make up stories all the time.

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Earlier this year, the department heads of our company were in a meeting. We were discussing the possibility of hiring some new positions, and the hiring we had done in the past.Another department head said, “We want to make sure we’re being very intentional with our hiring, and to make sure we really need the positions we’re hiring for.” Then he looked straight at me and said, “Because in the past, the Marketing team brought on new positions and then ran out of work for them. We don’t want that to happen again.”

Boom! That really set me off.

Angry and defensive, I blurted out something childish and immature, which made the whole room feel awkward and heavy. And all I could think of were mean things about this department head, and how he doesn’t know anything.

It was not a productive or healthy moment. Did this ever happen to you? An inciting incident occurs at work and suddenly your emotional fireworks are firing, and people had better get out of the way.

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The workplace can be fertile ground for scenarios like this, which can sap productivity, create hostility, and foster an unhealthy environment.

But there’s a way to overcome these pitfalls. In her new book, “Rising Strong,” Dr. Brené Brown describes how to understand the story you’re telling yourself. There’s the reckoning, the rumble, and the revolution.

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According to Brown, “Men and women [must be willing to] reckon with their emotions. First, they recognize that they’re feeling something—a button has been pushed, they’re hooked, something is triggered, their emotions are off-kilter. Second, they get curious about what’s happening and how what they’re feeling is connected to their thoughts and behaviors. Engaging in this process is how we walk into our story.”

Debrief from my meeting: What was I feeling?

I was feeling angry, defensive and even shameful. My heart pounded, breathing rate increased, and I clenched my fists. Plus I felt the need to defend myself, to get allies in the room, and justify my past actions. Of course, this emotional recognition came later. But in the moment, all I could think of was striking back like a cobra.

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After recognizing their emotions, the next step is to rumble with our stories. Brown says, “By rumble, I mean they get honest about the stories they’ve made up about their struggles and they are willing to revisit, challenge, and reality-check these narratives as they dig into topics such as boundaries, shame, blame, resentment, heartbreak, generosity, and forgiveness. Rumbling with these topics and moving from our first responses to a deeper understanding of our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors gives birth to key learnings about who we are and how we engage with others.”

Debrief from my meeting: What story was I telling myself?

When the department head challenged my previous hiring decisions, it hit a nerve. When he was talking, this is what I was thinking, “He doesn’t think I’m qualified for this job. I’m probably not. Other people probably think so, too.” This is the story I was telling myself, which explains the anger and defensiveness. Shame came at the thought that I really wasn’t who I thought I had been. It never occurred to me that the story I was telling myself might be false. I desperately needed to rumble.

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Third, after you’ve recognized your emotions and the story you’ve made up, you can write the real story.

Debrief to my meeting: What’s the real story?

Now that I’m aware of the false story that I can begin telling myself at work, I’m on guard against it. I've been empowered to have more productive conversations to clarify my story, which is this: I have been chosen and belong here.

Since the meeting, I’ve spoken with my coworker about the story I was telling myself, and our working relationship has improved. More than that, I have more confidence, productivity, and satisfaction.

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Next let’s talk about adopting a growth mindset.

This is so important not only in receiving negative feedback well, but also for life in general.

Let’s talk about the difference between a growth mindset and a fixed mindset.

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Critical to managing feedback well is having a growth mindset. Let’s talk about the difference between a growth mindset and a fixed mindset.

If I asked the question, Who am I? a fixed mindset says, “I’m fixed, I am who I am.” A growth mindset says, “I change, learn, grow.”If I asked the question, What’s the goal?, a fixed mindset says, “Success. The outcome is what matters. A growth mindset says, “The process of learning is what’s rewarding. Success is a by-product.”When challenges come, a fixed mindset perceives a threat while the growth mindset sees an opportunity to improve.

Which mindset is more helpful for feedback? Right, the growth mindset. The growth mindset is:

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Looking for opportunities to learn

My friend Donnan is an elementary school principal, a current phd doctoral student, and has won national awards in education. Do you know what her professional title is? It’s not miss hoity toity I’m so smart principal. It’s Lead Learner.

Interested in the processResilient – able to bounce back, the fixed mindset will be crying on the floor in a fetal position. The growth mindset will be already improving their methods

What’s key about the growth mindset is that it opens you up to engage in the feedback conversation. You’ll be more open to saying things like, “Tell me more,” and “I didn’t see it that way. Show me what I’m not seeing.”

Plus it opens you up to seeing yourself in new ways that the fixed mindset doesn’t allow.

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We come to the final part, which is navigating the conversation.

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Here you are the captain of the ship. Although it has taken time to develop this sixth sense, you are able to navigate the feedback conversation, maybe even steer it. The other person won’t even know you’re doing it.

When you Navigate the Conversation, you- Getting aligned- Assert yourself- Making process moves- Close with commitment

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When you recognize you’re getting feedback, put on your “getting feedback hat.” If you start off with the right perspective, it’ll make the whole experience better. Settle a few questions:1. Is this feedback? If so, what type is it?2. What is the feedback giver’s purpose? Why is the giver offering the feedback?

What is the point?

When you understand expectations, you’ll be more able to handle what is coming.

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When you’re in a feedback conversation, the two of you are building a puzzletogether. The giver has some of the pieces and you have the others.So when you assert what’s missing, listen to hear the giver’s pieces and then add your pieces.

This requires you to listen to understand. Listening is not waiting with your mouth shut, thinking about how to fight back. Listening is asking clarifying questions, trying to understand their perspective from the data they have and how they interpreted such data to end up at the conclusion.

As you listen and respond, be sure to avoid emotionally-packed responses like, “Do you actually believe that?” or sarcastic response like, “I just love getting beaten up in these reviews.” These kinds of statements keep you and the feedback giver in adversarial positions. Instead, work together to figure it out.

As you’re listening to understand, share your data (what you’ve observed), your interpretations, and your feelings. When you share from your perspective, you are asserting what’s been left out.

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Like a master chess player, make process moves.

Process moves mean you are aware not only of the feedback itself, but also what is happening in the feedback conversation. You:

Observe the discussionDiagnose where it is going wrongIntervene to correct it

For example, remember the exchange between the dept head and the worker?

The dept head gave the dept a work assignment, but a worker’s response was that the dept is understaffed. This was switching tracks. The mindful dept head, who obviously had attended this webinar, responded, “I appreciate your concern

about working on the weekend. It sounds like you believe we’re

understaffed, let’s talk about that next.”

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So when you’re navigating the conversation, and notice the conversation is getting off track, you may say things like:

“We’re both making arguments and trying to persuade the other, but I don’t think either of us is listening to, or fully understanding the other. I know I’m not doing a good enough job of trying to understand what your concerns are. So tell me more about why this is so important to you.”

“I see two issues here, and we’re jumping back and forth between them. Let’s focus on one at a time. The first is that I’m upset because you keep getting me roses—it doesn’t’ seem like you’re hearing me. And the other is that you think I’m acting ungrateful. Do you agree, and if so, which do you want to talk about first?”

Whatever your natural skill, you can get better with awareness and practice.

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Close with commitment. This is where you figure out what you’ve agreed to. Wrap up the entire feedback conversation by answering, “What happens next?”

Often feedback conversations miss this step, but it is critical. So be sure to leave time for deliberate stating of what you’ve agreed to and what happens next. You may have discussed lots of things, so clear up anything that is ambiguous so you can move forward.

Closing with commitment will remind you of the valuable time you spent together, firm up the relationship, and provide clear steps for the future.

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So we’ve talked about a lot of thing today because: by managing your feedback process, you can transform negative feedback into advancement opportunities.

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Now some quick closing thoughts.

Number 1: In our world, appreciation may be the least type of feedback offered, but perhaps the most needed. I encourage you to look for ways to show the people around you that you appreciate them and why. In fact, by the end of today, please give some appreciation feedback to at least one person.

Number 2: Finding what’s right is an important act of humility. Anyone can find something wrong in what another is saying. But humility says, “I don’t know it all.” So bow yourself and take the higher ground.

Number 3: Start learning by taking on one new thing from today. We threw a lot at you. Instead of trying to get everything into practice our getting it perfect, pick one thing and work on it. What is your one thing?

Number 4: Developing a process awareness will set you apart. Instead of being broadsided by feedback, you’ll be able to put on your feedback hat and navigate the conversation in order to mine the jewels it contains. You will take control of the feedback conversation and the other person won’t even know what’s happening.

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Feedback doesn’t have to be something you just sit back and take.

Uou can turn feedback around and let it work for you.

Turn life-sapping criticism into life-giving gold. Let feedback move you forward!

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