how not to start an essay

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Since from_ashes was so kind as to ask me, here is mydemonology of student writing, though in this case theexamples are from introductions rather than conclusions.

Vapid comparison

"When we compare Plato and Aristotle, we can see somesimilarities and some differences."

Well of course. If we compare any two things, we can seesome similarities and some differences.

Mangled passive-voice thesis statements

"In this paper, it will be asked whether Neo is a Christ-figure." This one is the fault, not of students, but of thosestupid writing textbooks which tell them to avoid the firstperson as though it were a contagious disease.

Personal reminiscence

This is where you start your essay by relating a personalexperience that provides a striking introduction to yoursubject. It's largely found in journalism of the Time variety("I was sipping mint tea in the al-Khazi Hotel when thebomb exploded ...") but a few academic writers manage itsuccessfully. However, in order to pull off this stunt, you
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need to have had some experience that is both strikingand pertinent, and this is rarely the case with first-yearuniversity students writing about Plato. (To be fair, Platohimself can be guilty of irrelevant and tediousreminiscence.)

Urban legends

Start an essay by saying that Eskimos have a hundredwords for snow, or that we only use 20% of our brains, andyou're toast.

Pointless attempts to prove the importance of thesubject

This is perhaps another case where teachers rather than

students are to blame. It is true that the introductions ofacademic papers frequently contain some indication of theimportance of the subject matter, usually in a desperateattempt to make someone flipping through a journal slowdown and read the paper ("Recent research inpaleohysterectomy has highlighted the pivotal role ofbifurcal polyglutinism"). However, when this filters throughto students in Freshman English classes, it results instatements like "Plato was a very important philosopher."

"From the beginning of history ..."

Do you really know what was going on at the beginning ofhistory? And how can it possibly be relevant to your essay?Worse still (though thankfully rarer) is "From the beginningof time". At the beginning of time, there was the Big Bang,or God was moving on the face of the waters. Whateverwas going on, it has nothing to do with your essay.

"All over the world ..."

Oh yes? Does that include Papua New Guinea?

"Day by day ..."

I don't know why I hate this one so much - I just do.We must be thankful that the advent of the millennium

has put an end to all those essays that start "As weapproach the twenty-first century ..."


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how not to start an essay

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