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How Flirting Works by Shanna Freeman Browse the article How Flirting Works Typical flirty behavior Digital Vision/Getty Images Someone's who close to you, smiling at you and touching you might be flirting. Chad Johnston/Getty Images How Flirting Works Imagine that you have no idea what flirting is. If you haven't flirted yourself or seen it happen (either in real life, in the movies or on TV), you might wonder exactly what those two people are doing. They're showing interest in each other, but they don't actually come out and say it. In fact, it's usually considered crass and crude to do so. Instead, they dance around the issue joking, complimenting each other and using physical cues to show their true intentions. At its most basic, flirting is simply another way that two people can closely interact with each other. But when you get into the intention behind flirting and exactly what flirting entails, things get much more complicated. It doesn't have to be romantic or sexual sometimes, it's just friendly banter without any other intentions. Sometimes one person has romantic intentions and the other one only has sexual ones, or doesn't even realize that he's being flirted with. Misunderstanding the signals can lead to some uncomfortable and embarrassing situations. The most important aspect of flirting is the intention behind it. Sometimes the words used are very innocent, but the speaker's delivery, expression or mannerisms make them appear flirtatious. It can be difficult to know when someone is flirting with you or who might be receptive to your flirting. In this article, we'll examine the standard signs of flirting. We'll also look at the biological factors that lead to flirting and explore how flirting has changed through the years. Flirting Signs and Signals How do you know when someone is flirting with you? Although it's different for everybody, there are some common signs. Here are a few clues: Using your name a lot in conversation Complimenting you Asking about your interests Touching your arm or knee Leaning in while talking Standing closely Smiling a lot Just one of these actions or even a few of them together would probably not constitute flirting. But if someone compliments you, smiles often, leans in closely and brushes your arm as he talks to you, there's a good possibility that he's flirting. To compound the issue, there are also some differences between how women flirt and how men flirt. For example, some women bat their eyelashes or run their fingers through their hair. Men are more likely to make bold, aggressive gestures, like intense eye contact. In addition, they are more likely to flirt out of sexual interest, while women often flirt to test men's intentions, using ambiguous gestures. The Social Institute Research Centre has coined a term for these ambiguous flirting gestures, like hair touching. They're protean signals, named for the Greek shapeshifting god Proteus [source: Social Institute Research Centre]. If a woman uses these gestures and learns that the man isn't interested, then she can always play them off as not being flirtatious. If you want to flirt, you could try any of these methods. But you have to watch carefully for the other person's reaction. If he leans away when you lean forward, or if he doesn't engage in conversation despite your best attempts, then he might not be interested. On the other hand, he could simply be shy and taken aback by your interest. Or he could think that you're just being friendly when you're actually interested in more than just being friends. How do you know for sure? There are no definite rules when it comes to flirting, because every situation is different. Flirting is just as complex and tricky as dating in general. So although there are some obvious signs of flirting, it can still be a very messy endeavor. In a 2006 article for the Daily Mail, reporter Danielle Gusmaroli wrote about trying a method employed by a successful flirter that she interviewed:

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  • 5/8/2015 HowFlirtingWorksHowStuffWorks

    http://people.howstuffworks.com/flirting.htm/printable 1/4

    HowFlirtingWorksbyShannaFreeman

    BrowsethearticleHowFlirtingWorks

    TypicalflirtybehaviorDigitalVision/GettyImages

    Someone'swhoclosetoyou,smilingatyouandtouchingyoumightbeflirting.ChadJohnston/GettyImages

    HowFlirtingWorks

    Imaginethatyouhavenoideawhatflirtingis.Ifyouhaven'tflirtedyourselforseenithappen(eitherinreallife,inthemoviesoronTV),youmightwonderexactlywhatthosetwopeoplearedoing.They'reshowinginterestineachother,buttheydon'tactuallycomeoutandsayit.Infact,it'susuallyconsideredcrassandcrudetodoso.Instead,theydancearoundtheissuejoking,complimentingeachotherandusingphysicalcuestoshowtheirtrueintentions.

    Atitsmostbasic,flirtingissimplyanotherwaythattwopeoplecancloselyinteractwitheachother.Butwhenyougetintotheintentionbehindflirtingandexactlywhatflirtingentails,thingsgetmuchmorecomplicated.Itdoesn'thavetoberomanticorsexualsometimes,it'sjustfriendlybanterwithoutanyotherintentions.Sometimesonepersonhasromanticintentionsandtheotheroneonlyhassexualones,ordoesn'tevenrealizethathe'sbeingflirtedwith.

    Misunderstandingthesignalscanleadtosomeuncomfortableandembarrassingsituations.Themostimportantaspectofflirtingistheintentionbehindit.Sometimesthewordsusedareveryinnocent,butthespeaker'sdelivery,expressionormannerismsmakethemappearflirtatious.Itcanbedifficulttoknowwhensomeoneisflirtingwithyouorwhomightbe

    receptivetoyourflirting.

    Inthisarticle,we'llexaminethestandardsignsofflirting.We'llalsolookatthebiologicalfactorsthatleadtoflirtingandexplorehowflirtinghaschangedthroughtheyears.

    FlirtingSignsandSignals

    Howdoyouknowwhensomeoneisflirtingwithyou?Althoughit'sdifferentforeverybody,therearesomecommonsigns.Hereareafewclues:

    Usingyournamealotinconversation

    Complimentingyou

    Askingaboutyourinterests

    Touchingyourarmorknee

    Leaninginwhiletalking

    Standingclosely

    Smilingalot

    Justoneoftheseactionsorevenafewofthemtogetherwouldprobablynotconstituteflirting.Butifsomeonecomplimentsyou,smilesoften,leansincloselyandbrushesyourarmashetalkstoyou,there'sagoodpossibilitythathe'sflirting.

    Tocompoundtheissue,therearealsosomedifferencesbetweenhowwomenflirtandhowmenflirt.Forexample,somewomenbattheireyelashesorruntheirfingersthroughtheirhair.Menaremorelikelytomakebold,aggressivegestures,likeintenseeyecontact.Inaddition,theyaremorelikelytoflirtoutofsexualinterest,whilewomenoftenflirttotestmen'sintentions,usingambiguousgestures.TheSocialInstituteResearchCentrehascoinedatermfortheseambiguousflirtinggestures,likehair

    touching.They'reproteansignals,namedfortheGreekshapeshiftinggodProteus[source:SocialInstituteResearchCentre].Ifawomanusesthesegesturesandlearnsthatthemanisn'tinterested,thenshecanalwaysplaythemoffasnotbeingflirtatious.

    Ifyouwanttoflirt,youcouldtryanyofthesemethods.Butyouhavetowatchcarefullyfortheotherperson'sreaction.Ifheleansawaywhenyouleanforward,orifhedoesn'tengageinconversationdespiteyourbestattempts,thenhemightnotbeinterested.Ontheotherhand,hecouldsimplybeshyandtakenabackbyyourinterest.Orhecouldthinkthatyou'rejustbeingfriendlywhenyou'reactuallyinterestedinmorethanjustbeingfriends.Howdoyouknowforsure?Therearenodefiniteruleswhenitcomestoflirting,becauseeverysituationisdifferent.Flirtingisjustascomplexandtrickyasdatingingeneral.

    Soalthoughtherearesomeobvioussignsofflirting,itcanstillbeaverymessyendeavor.Ina2006articlefortheDailyMail,reporterDanielleGusmaroliwroteabouttryingamethodemployedbyasuccessfulflirterthatsheinterviewed:

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    Flirtingdoesn'talwayswork.UlrikTofte/GettyImages

    Malepeacockdisplayingtailfeathers.PeteTurner/GettyImages

    Onleavingthebar,Ispotaroadcleaneracrossthestreetandsmilewarmly.HesmilesbackandIholdhisgazeforanagonizingfourseconds,lookawayand(cringe)lookback.HesmilesappreciativelyandIscuttleofftryingnottolaugh.

    Tomyhorrorhepegsitacrosstheroadtomyside.Withapenetratingstareheasks:"Sorry,doIknowyou?"Iapologize,tryingtobackoff.

    "Sorry,mymistake.Ithoughtyouweresomeoneelse.""Givemeyournumber,"hedemands.Idecline.Hebecomesangry."Youwerecomingontome,weren'tyou?"Ipanicandrun.

    Whathappened?Gusmaroliwastryingtoflirt,butshewasn'treallyinterestedintheroadcleaner.Ittookhimawhiletorecognizetheflirting,andwhenhedid,heseemedtofeellikeshe"owedhim"herphonenumber.

    Inthenextsection,we'lllookatthescienceofflirtingwhat'shappeninginyourbrainandbodywhenyouflirtandhowflirtingworksinotherspecies.

    FLIRTINGVS.SEXUALHARRASSMENTSomepeopleconfusesexualharassmentwithflirtingandviceversa.Themostimportantfactorhereisperception.It'ssexualharassmentwhenitleavesthepersonfeelingoffended,demeanedorviolated.Thebottomlineisthatiftheobjectofsomeone'sflirtationmakesitveryclearthattheflirtingisunwelcomeandunwanted,butthepersoncontinuestoflirt,thenheorsheisguiltyofharassment.

    TheScienceofFlirting

    There'salotgoingonunderthesurfacewhenweflirt.Yes,we'resendingthemessagethatwe'reinterested,butwhydothosespecificgesturessay"I'minterestedinyou,"andwhatdotheyreallysayaboutus?Accordingtoscientists,itallcomesdowntoourinherentdesiretoreproduce.Whenweflirt,we'regivingoffinformationabouthowfitwearetoprocreateaswellasourhealth.Therearealsospecificaspectsofourappearancethatmakeusmoreattractivetoothers.

    Someofthe"female"signsofflirting,suchasanglingherbodyandstickingoutherhips,areattemptstodrawattentiontoherpelvisanditssuitabilityforcarryingachild.Inaddition,mentendtobemoreattractedtowomenwithacertainhiptowaistratio(specifically,thewaistmustbenomorethan60to80percentofthehipcircumference)[source:PsychologyToday].Thisisalsoanindicationoffertility.

    Whenamanmakesintenseeyecontactandsmilesoften,heattemptstoshowthatheisbothvirileanddependable.Womenareattractedtoprominent,squarejaws,whichareindicativeofaman'spowerandstrength.Scientistspointoutthatfeatureslikesquarejawsin

    humanmaleshaveaconnectiontoprominentfeaturesintheanimalkingdom.Malepeacocksattractfemaleswiththeirelaborateplumage,malecardinalsarebrightredandstagshavelargehorns.Becausethesefeaturesrequireadditionalbiologicalresourcesandalsotendtomaketheseanimalsmorevisibletotheirpredators,animpressivedisplayshowsthattheseanimalsarestrong.

    Whenwe'reflirtingwithsomeonewhofitsthebillforus,thelimbicsystemtakesover(thesamesystemresponsibleforourflightorfightresponse).Weoperateonemotionandinstinct.Ifweonlygovernedflirtingwiththemostrationalpartofourbrains,wemightnoteverflirtorgetadateatall.Infact,accordingtobiologistDr.AntonioDamasio,there'saconnectionbetweenbraindamageandflirting.Hestatesthat"peoplewithdamagetotheconnectionbetweentheirlimbicstructuresandthehigherbrainaresmartandrationalbutunabletomakedecisions"[source:PsychologyToday].

    Still,we'renotjustanimalisticinourflirtingbehavior.Theabilitytocarryaconversationandengageinthejokingbackandforthofflirtingalsoindicatesourintelligence,whichisalwaysattractive.Inthenextsection,we'lllookathowflirtinghaschangedovertheyearsandhowtechnologyhasledtonewwaysofflirting.

    FLIRTINGETIQUETTEAlthoughtherearesomebasicflirtinggestures,sometimesthetimingisdifferentinothercountries.Forexample,inGermany,flirtingismuchmoresubtleonthepartofbothwomenandmen.GermanwomenfindAmericanmenfartooforward.GermanmenmisunderstoodtheintentionsofAmericanwomentheythinkthey'rebeingflirtedwithwhenthey'renot.

    FlirtingThroughtheAges

    Today,wemeaning,mostWesternsocietiesaren'treallyshockedbytypicalflirtatiousbehaviors.ButifapersonfromtheVictorianerawitnessedthekneetouching,liplickingandwinkingthatgoesontoday,heorshemightbeextremelyscandalized.FlirtinghasgonefromveryprescribedsetsofbehaviorstooffthecufftextandFacebookmessages.

    Someelementsofflirtingareeternal.ArecenttranslationoftheKamaSutra,theclassicHindusexualinstructionmanual,includesseveralwaysformentoflirtsuccessfullywithwomen.Oneincludesthesuggestionthatwhenamanandwomanare"playinginthewater,hedivesunderwateratsomedistancefromher,comesupclosetoher,touchesher,anddivesunderwater

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    TheIndiscretion,1895(oilonpanel)ConstantAimeMarieCap/GettyImages

    again"[source:NewYorkTimes].Thissoundsliketypicalflirtybehaviorbetweenkids.

    An1881bookadvisingyoungVictorianmenandwomenonmannersandetiquetteincludesseveralguidelinesforcourtship.Firstandforemost,a"gentlemanshouldnotbeintroducedtoalady,unlessherpermissionhasbeenpreviouslyobtained."Onceheisintroduced,hehasthefreedomtocallonherandaccompanyherto"concerts,operas,balls,etc."However,a"gentlemanwhodoesnotcontemplatematrimonyshouldnotpaytooexclusiveattentiontoanyonelady."

    AproperVictorianwoman"willnottooeagerlyreceivetheattentionsofagentleman,nomatterhowmuchsheadmireshimnor,ontheotherhand,willshebesoreservedastoaltogetherdiscouragehim."Thebookgoesontodescribehowmenshouldonlytakethehandofawomanwhensheoffersit,andthatthekiss,"themostaffectionateformofsalutation,andisonlyproperamongnearrelationsanddearfriends"[source:Young].

    Overtsignsofinterestweregenerallyconsideredunacceptableonthepartofbothmenandwomen.However,Victorianwomencouldstillshowinterestinmenthroughverysubtlecues.Onewaywasthroughfloriography,orthelanguageofflowers.Differentflowersrepresenteddifferentfeelings,andtheycouldbeverycomplicated.Dictionarieswerepublishedsothateveryonecouldeasilyunderstandthemeanings.Hereareafewbasics:

    Today'steenagerssurelywouldnotbotherwithsomethingascomplicatedasarrangingtherightflowerstosendthecorrectmessages.Overtheyears,flirtingevolvedfromcareful,measuredgesturestocuttingtothechase.Accordingtoa2006articleinTimemagazine,it'scompletelycommonfora15yearoldboytotextalinelike"howfarhaveugone"toagirlafterafewdaysofflirtatioustexting[source:Time].Sometimesthegirlreplieshonestlyorshemightsay"howfarhaveugone.illtelluifutellme."Thiscouldleadtomeetingupandmakingout.

    Facetofacemeetingsoftenresultinexchangesofemailaddresses,IMclientusernames,orFacebookorMySpaceinfoinsteadofphonenumbers.It'salsonotuncommonforstrangerstomeetonlineandexchangeflirtatiousbanter.Butonlineflirtersbeware:inDecember2007,amanufacturerofantivirussoftwarediscoveredaRussianvirusthatinvadedchatrooms.Oncein,theviruschattedwithusersandflirtedwiththemsoconvincinglythatsomewomensharedtheirphotosandphonenumbers.

    Forlotsmoreinformationaboutflirting,loveanddating,tryoutthelinksonthenextpage.

    WHAT'SMYLINE?Therereallyisnosuchthingasagoodpickupline.Sodon'tbothertryinganyofthese:

    Iseemtohavelostmyphonenumber.CanIhaveyours?

    IfIcouldarrangethealphabet,IwouldputUandItogether.

    Isithotinhere,orisitjustyou?

    Andtheclassics:"What'syoursign?"and"Doyoucomehereoften?"

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    Sources

    DeLaVina,Mark."Aguidetoflirting4ugetthemessage?"TheDailyTelegraph,August22,2007.

    "FloriographytheLanguageofFlowers."BBC.September22,2005.http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/h2g2/A5268035

    Gusmaroli,Danielle."Howtoflirtwithsuccess."TheDailyMail,February23,2006.

    Moore,MonicaM."NonverbalCourtshipPatternsinWomen."EthologyandSociobiology,6:237247(1985)

    Robson,David."It'sgreattoteaseattheoffice,butwhat'sflirtyandnotdirty?"TheExpress,February25,2007.

    Rodgers,JoannEllison."FlirtingFascination."PsychologyTodayMagazine,January19,2006.http://psychologytoday.com/articles/index.php?term=19990101000033&page=1

    "ScoringaGerman."SpiegelInternational,June5,2006.http://www.spiegel.de/international/0,1518,419712,00.html

    Smith,Dimita."ANewKamaSutrawithoutVictorianVeils."TheNewYorkTimes,May4,2002.http://query.nytimes.com/gst/fullpage.html?res=9A05E1D61131F937A35756C0A9649C8B63

    SocialResearchInstituteCentre.http://www.sric.org

    Stepp,LauraSessions."ModernFlirting."WashingtonPost,October16,2003.http://www.washingtonpost.com/ac2/wpdyn/A32792003Oct15?language=printer

    Stevenson,Suzanne."There'sMoretoHerFlirt."TheEveningStandard,March17,2003.http://www.thisislondon.co.uk/news/article3851729details/There%27s+more+to+her+flirt/article.dojsessionid=bSyDHrJP12StgVjq52X2NSGyr2YrMQlSn8BRTbJB0QtbVVyGlm1H!1263037535!1407319225!7001!1

    Williams,Daniel."WhenFingersdotheFlirting."Time,May29,2006.http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1198940,00.html

    Young,JohnH."OurDeportment:OrtheManners,ConductandDressoftheMostRefinedSociety."F.B.Dickerson&Co.,1881.AvailableviaProjectGutenberg.http://www.gutenberg.org/files/17609/17609h/17609h.htm


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