Working on Anger

Working on Anger

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Contents

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What is anger?

Anger is a normal feeling that we all experience. It is an instinctive response to feeling threatened. When we become angry our bodies change to meet the threat: tense muscles, pumping heart, etc. Words you may use to talk about anger include: rage, mad, wound up, furious and on your toes. Anger is often a sign that something is not right. Anger can let you know that you are being hurt, physically or emotionally. Anger can also tell you that your needs are not being met. If something is happening that is wrong you may feel angry. Anger is just an emotion which is neither good nor bad, it is what you do with it that counts.

However, anger can have unwanted side effects. Anger can lead to difficulties in relationships, health problems, poor work performance, and difficulties with “the authorities”. Anger is also connected with aggression and violence. Aggression is an action that is intended to cause injury, harm or damage, whilst anger is an emotion.

Goals

it would probably be better to call it something like “Aggression Management” or “How to Express your Anger in a Healthy Way” rather than Anger Management.

Therefore our goal is not to make anger go away. Rather it is to learn to deal with anger by using healthier ways that will empower you and allow you to let go of the temporary illusion of power that aggression may provide.

Readiness for Change

Stages of change

This model helps us to identify where we are at in the cycle of change.

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Hopefully you will start to move through these stages and reach the maintenance stage and eventually

achieve permanent change. However, change can be challenging and sometimes there are setbacks/slips,

but when this happens you don’t go back to square one, as you have previous knowledge of change. Also,

if you slip then you may progress to the action stage more quickly than before.

Advantages of change

Below are a number of questions that aim to help you think about how life could be better if you change.

What are the advantages of making this change?

How would you like things to be different?

What would you like your life to be like in 5 years’ time?

The fact that you are here shows that at least part of you thinks it’s time to do something - what are

your main reasons for seeking change?

Optimism for change

Below are some questions that aim to help you think about how you have succeeded in changing in the

past, and what strengths or skills you have that help you to change. You can also think about who might be

able to support you that you can trust.

Think about other significant changes that you’ve made in the past - how did you do it?

What personal strengths do you have that will help you succeed?

Who could offer you helpful support in making this change?

What do you think would work for you, if you decided to change?

In the box below write down some things that would be helpful for you to change, a past change you have

made (e.g. giving up smoking or cutting down on your alcohol intake), your strengths (e.g. good talker or

good sense of humour) and the name of a person who would be supportive and you could trust.

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1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

Intention to change

Below are a number of questions that aim to help you think about how willing you are to change. The more

important it is to you to change your angry behaviour, the more likely you are to want to do something

about it. Try to see that changing your angry behaviour will mean that you and those around you will

experience less pain and hurt.

How much do you want to do this?

What would you be willing to try?

What will it take to help you succeed?

So what do you intend to do?

In the box below write down possible things you are willing to try in order to manage your angry behaviour

more effectively. Write down what you think it will take to succeed.

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Concerns

Having looked at what anger is - it is time to think about anger and you. In the box below write down your

concerns about your anger.

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Starting to Understand Your Anger and Vulnerability to Stress

(Introduction to CBT model)

Anger is not a big complex mess and from what we have said so far we can see that we could put it into a picture like this. Understanding anger is the first step in controlling it and making it work for you. We can see our problems with anger are influenced by how we are feeling at the time, how we are thinking and how we are behaving. These all link together.

Anger Affects the Body

Anger itself generates a physiological response inside of the body. This is the body’s own way of preparing you for a stressful situation. Levels of stress are linked to levels of anger; therefore it is likely that the first sign of becoming angry is how your body feels/changes in physiological response.

Anger Affects Thinking

Every emotional response constitutes a thought; however, we are not always aware of our thoughts. We can also fall into repetitive ways of thinking. It is important to remember that thoughts are not objective

facts. Therefore to help manage our anger, we should try to obtain a balanced and realistic view of events.

Anger as an Emotion

Anger is often used as a mask for other emotions, including fear; guilt; disappointment; shame; and sadness. It is important to take time to recognise how we are really feeling.

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Expression of Anger

Anger Affects Behaviour

We often let others know we are angry through our behaviour. This can include aggression, irritability and withdrawing from situations/individuals. These behaviours can often make the situation worse, making our anger last longer or cause it to become more intense.

Exercise: breaking up your anger

Think about the times that you get angry and answer the following:

1. What are the effects on your body (tick all that apply and add any others)?

Muscles tense Heart beats faster Breathing becomes faster Making my hands into fists Stomach feeling knotted Sleep problems Headaches Sweating Problems swallowing Dry mouth Feeling unreal ………………………… …………………………

2. What sort of things go through your mind (thoughts)?

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3. What do you do when you get angry (behaviour)?

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Vulnerability to Stress (Zubin & Spring, 1977)

We are all born with a capacity for coping with or containing stress – it may be helpful to think of this as a ‘bucket’ into which your stress pours like water. Some people are born with big ‘buckets’, some people with small ‘buckets’, it’s just one of those genetic things like the colour of your eyes.

While our buckets are filling up, we are managing the stress and therefore, we aren’t so aware of any negative impact. When your stress bucket is full, it overflows and you will experience the side effects of stress - including anger.

Therefore it is important to understand and monitor your personal bucket to keep emotionally well and on top of things.

Triggers

Exercise: getting to know your anger triggers

Think about what sort of things set your anger off and write them down. Think about: Particular places Certain people What really gets your anger going

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What can stop us reacting to anger?

Even when there are triggers for anger we do not always get angry. There are some things that make it less

likely that we will get angry or act on anger. Some of these things are:

Not wanting the bad things that come with anger

Taking time out

Controlled breathing

“cool” thoughts

Support from friends and family

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ANGERTrauma

Financial problems

Relationship difficulties

Low self esteem

Depression

Poor health

Death/loss

You may already be able to think about some times when you did not get angry. Can you begin to think

how this was possible or why you did this?

The Tipping Point: when is anger a problem?

Different people will have different views on when anger becomes a problem. A simple way of thinking

about whether anger is a problem for you is to think about whether the costs outweigh the benefits.

Another way to think about it is to notice whether others are saying that your anger is a problem.

Sometimes people we care about, or authorities, even provide an ultimatum. For example “you need to get

control of your anger if you want access to your children”. Anger can also be a problem if it is not doing

what we want it to do. For example, if you get angry in order that people listen to you, it is then a problem

if people just walk away from you when you get angry. Finally, anger can be a problem if it is lasting too

long, is too strong or leads to aggression.

Benefits of getting angry

As we have mentioned before, anger is a normal human emotion. It therefore follows that anger has some

uses or benefits. There are certain times when anger can be helpful:

Shows that something is wrong, e.g. Noticing that someone has hurt us

Gets us going to do something, e.g. When we need to complain

A way of expressing ourselves, e.g. Telling someone that they have upset us

Costs of getting angry

Showing our anger in certain ways can have downsides. Some of these are:

Relationship problems : loss of friends or break-up of marriage, possibly as a result of aggression or

violence

Health problems : prolonged stress or arousal can lead to high blood pressure, heart disease etc.

Problems with authorities : aggression and violence can lead to problems with police, probation,

social services, health visitors, health services etc.

Doesn’t get us what we want : often aggression and violence do not even get us what we originally

set out to get (e.g being listened to) or take away the hurt

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Finally, we have a complete picture. This begins with the expression of anger; feeling, thoughts, body and

behaviour. Anger comes from an immediate trigger but there are things that make anger more or less likely

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PROBLEMWhen costs outweigh the

benefits

COSTSBENEFITS

Expression of Anger

Things that make anger less likely

Things that make anger worse

TRIGGER

to be expressed. And now we have benefits and costs of anger. The problem can come if costs outweigh

the benefits.

What can make anger worse?

We have already looked at what situations might set off your anger, we can call these “immediate triggers”. There are also more general things that can make anger worse and can affect whether an “immediate trigger” sets off your anger. These things can often be hidden and can be more difficult to notice than “immediate triggers”. However, it can be difficult to control anger if you are not aware of what may be behind it.

The sort of things that might be behind your anger include: Poor sleep Drugs and alcohol Relationships Stress, depression, anxiety, trauma, bereavement Living conditions

There may also be other things you can think of that are behind your anger.

Exercise: what makes your anger worse?Tick any of the following that you think may make your anger worsesomeone who knows might say about you.

Poor sleep

Drugs and alcohol

Relationships

Stress, depression, anxiety, trauma, bereavement

Living conditions

Anything else (please say what) ………………………………..

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Physical symptoms of anger

Remember, anger is a physical emotion and when you get angry your body responds. The sort of bodily sensations that you can look out for include feeling tense, sweating, breathing faster etc. These sensations are a reaction to stress and the technical name for this is the “fight-flight response”. This is something that is very ancient and goes back to when we were cavemen, facing life-threatening stresses such as attacks by large animals. The fight-flight response is very useful for life-threatening events because it alerts us to a threat and puts our minds and bodies on the alert. Chemicals (e.g. adrenalin) are released into our bloodstreams and our body changes to cope with the possibility of fighting or running.

There are a number of physical reactions when our body goes into fight-flight including:

Breathing increases To get more oxygen into the blood and blood into the muscles needed to fight / run.

Pupils dilate To let in more light and improve your vision.

Vigilance improves So you focus on the source of danger. This will make you feel keyed up and easily startled.

Sweating This cools you down and makes you more slippery so you are less easy to grab.

Stomach churning Because your body is concentrating on being able to fight or run and not on digesting your last meal.

These changes all make you ready to fight or run. However, these days we do not live in caves and most times there is not really a life-threatening situation. Unfortunately, our bodies have not caught up with us and we still get the physical reaction. If you frequently get angry or stressed the effect on your body can affect your long term health:

Immune system Blood pressure problems Gastrointestinal problems (irritable bowel syndrome, ulcers)

Early warning signs

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Although it may sometimes feel like it, you will not usually go from calm to angry in one quick step. There are usually some warning signs that you are becoming angry. These include:

Feeling tense Losing your sense of humour Voice getting louder Breathing getting quicker “Sizing up” another person Seeing red / white/ black/ mist Feeling very angry very quickly

Remember, all of these signs can be understood as a result of our body mistakenly thinking that it needs to prepare to fight or run.

Exercise: noticing when you get angry

Think back to the most recent time you got very angry and try to answer the following:

My early warning signs of anger (tick all that apply and add any others)

Tensing fists, muscles stiffening, jaws clenching Losing my sense of humour My voice getting louder My breathing gets faster I find myself “sizing up” another person I see red/white/black/mist …………………..………………………… …………………..…………………………

Anger thermometer

Using an anger thermometer can be a useful way of measuring your anger. Consider the following:

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When your feelings change you go up and down on the thermometer. It is not possible to get from 0o to 100o without going through all the other temperatures. It is the same with anger, anger is not an all or nothing emotion, you move up the scale on the way to the top. When thinking about anger control you will need to do something before you get “too hot” and go too far up the thermometer. You can use your own words to make the thermometer make most sense for you.

Practical Behaviour relaxation Techniques

Breathing

Breathing techniques are a bit like relaxation but are quicker to do. This is essentially a quick way to calm your body. When you get stressed your breathing can quicken and become shallow, increasing the bodily effects of stress. Correcting your breathing can sort out your arousal levels quickly and can be a way of switching off the “fight-flight” reaction.

When you are starting out with this it can be easier to lie down. Choose somewhere where you won’t be disturbed and where you feel comfortable. Take a slow normal breath (not a deep breath) and think "1" to yourself. As you breathe out, think "relax"; breathe in again and think "2", breathe out and think "relax". Keep doing this up to 10. When you reach 10, reverse and start back down to 1. Try to put all else out of your mind. It may help to see the numbers and the word 'relax' in your mind's eye. If you feel dizzy, stop - something is not right.

Diaphragmatic breathing

Place one hand on your chest and the other over your belly button. As you breathe in, the hand on your stomach should be pushed out while the hand on your chest should not move. As you breathe out, your stomach should pull in. Your chest should not move.

To help, breathe in through your nose, purse your lips and breathe out slowly through your mouth. If you are a chest breather, you may find this difficult at first. If you can't get the hang of this, lie on your back on the floor and practise as it is easier to do in this position.

Put these two exercises together and do them twice a day. Once you get good at them, practise when you are at work, sitting on the bus, watching TV etc. The aim is to be able to do this no matter where you are. No one will notice you doing them.

Breathing Retraining

Take a breath in and think "1"

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Breathe out and think "relax" Take a breath in and think "2" Breathe out and think "relax" Repeat up to 10 and then back down to 1 Concentrate only on breathing and on the number and "relax" in the minds eye. Use slow normal breathing (10-12 breaths per minute). Breathe in through nose.

Purse your lips and breathe out slowly through mouth. Use the diaphragm - as you breathe in, your stomach should push out while your

chest should not move. As you breathe out, your stomach should pull in. Your chest should not move when

you breathe out. Practise twice a day in different places.

Exercise: Are there things that you already do?

Think back to an occasion when you didn’t get angry or when you stopped yourself losing it completely.

Why didn’t you get angry? What would have been the costs of getting angry?

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What did you do to stop yourself getting angry? Are there things that you did?

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Self-talk16

Again, it is not inevitable that you get angry. Two people in the same situation may not both get angry, what is different is how they think about the situation.

Example: your friend does not wave to you when you see them in Northumberland Street. You think:

1) how rude, they must be deliberately ignoring meOR

2) oh, I guess they didn’t see me, it is a busy Saturday and they seemed to be looking the other way.

The person who had the first thought is likely to get angry, whilst the person who had the second thought is more likely to stay calm. So how you think can decide whether you get angry.

“Hot” thoughts are those that wind you up and calming or “cool” thoughts are those that calm you down. Here are some examples:

Hot thoughts Calming or Cool thoughts- How dare he! - Don’t let it wind you up

- She’s trying to humiliate me - I probably don’t have all the facts

- It’s the same things over again - It might be different this time

It can be difficult to identify your thoughts but it can help to see them as “self talk” or talking things over in your head. This is a normal thing to do and it can be really helpful to think “cool” thoughts. You can use “self talk” to help you when you are going into a difficult situation in which you might get angry, to get through the situation, or after the difficult situation, to review what you did. Here are some examples of calming “self talk”:

Try not to take this too seriously What is it I have to do? Stay calm If I start to get mad I’ll just be banging my head against a brick wall It’s not worth getting so angry Take a deep breath It could have been worse He’d probably like me to get angry, well I’m going to disappoint him

If you are using “self talk” try to notice the effects on your anger thermometer. You will need to think of what words and phrases will work for you. Our words that we have here are not necessarily the ones for you. If you decide to do this, write down a few examples of calming “self talk” that you would like to use. There is some space below for you to do this.

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My calming “self talk” statements

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Frustration Tolerance

Frustration tolerance refers to the ability to continue living a balanced, healthy life despite encountering repeated interferences. It refers to how robust we are in the face of life’s stressors and challenges.

High Frustration Tolerance

High frustration tolerance is the ability to tolerate discomfort whilst waiting to get what you want. Basically it’s about toughing things out. Increasing tolerance for frustration helps to experience normal levels of healthy annoyance in response to being blocked. High frustration tolerance enables people to be more effective at solving problems or accepting things that, at present, will not change. Examples of high frustration tolerance statements are:

“This is an uncomfortable situation but I can stand the discomfort” “This situation is hard to bear but I can bear it – some difficult things are worth tolerating” “Even if I feel like I can’t take it anymore, past experience has shown chances are that I can”

To increase tolerance for frustration, ask these types of questions when life seems difficult:

“Is this situation really terrible or it just highly inconvenient?” “Can I remember being in this situation before and coping with it?”

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“Is it true that I can’t stand this situation or is it more true that I don’t like this situation?” “Is this situation truly unbearable or is it really just very difficult to bear?”

Most of what we now think is intolerable, was not in the past. Many situations are difficult to tolerate but we have tolerated similar in the past. We have found that they were hard to bear but in the end they were bearable, unpleasant and inconvenient. We can stand them, if we choose to think about these situations in a different way.

Therefore, it may be helpful, if we are able to find ways of controlling the degree of frustration that we experience in our day-to-day life. This may be achieved by changing things we do, or thoughts we have, when we feel frustrated.

Alternatively, there may be nothing we can do, in which case, it may be less energy consuming if we are able to learn to accept and tolerate the uncomfortable experiences. The strategies below for improving our acceptance of frustration are separated into a number of categories. Not all strategies will be 100% beneficial. But before dismissing a particular strategy, try it first. And as with all new skills, practice is a key factor to success.

What can you do to tolerate frustration?

Know the enemy – what are the triggers to your frustration Know yourself – unrealistic expectations & beliefs Accept that you are struggling and have a problem to solve Follow problem solving routine (see end of this booklet) Set realistic and achievable goals for yourself & others Communicate more effectively

Venting

Venting means letting out pent up feelings of anger or getting things off your chest. Venting is often explosive and can be very aggressive. When a person vents their anger, they often feel better immediately afterwards. However not long after venting their anger, most people report feeling guilty, ashamed or sad for the hurt that they caused another person.

Reducing ventingThe following procedure will help you express your anger in a healthy way:

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Step 1Recognise and label your angry feelings

“I am feeling angry because…”

Step 2Calm the Emotional Brain;

• ‘Time out’• Breathing exercises• Counting to 10• Walking away

Step 3Questions to ask the Thinking Brain; • Is this important?

If not let it go – re-direct attention

• Can I influence or control it?

• What strategies can I use?

Rumination

What is rumination?

Rumination is brooding, dwelling, thinking deeply about something. Everybody does it from time to time. So why mention it? Well some forms of rumination can be unhealthy both emotionally and to physically. The word “ruminate" comes from the Latin for chewing cud, in which cows grind up, swallow, then regurgitate and re-chew their feed. People also ruminate. However instead of bringing food back up and chewing it again, we bring things into our minds (thoughts, memories, imagined events) and chew them over and over and over.

Unhealthy rumination

While ruminating helps cows to digest, it doesn't do the same for people's mental health. Ruminating about the darker side of life can lead to anxiety, depression and anger. Rumination can impair thinking, motivation, concentration, memory and problem-solving, and can drive away people who could support us. It can also increase stress.

The way we think about things affects our emotions and bodies. For example if you are hungry and see your favourite meal, your mouth will water. However just thinking or imagining your favourite meal will have a similar effect because our thoughts stimulate areas of the brain responsible for digestion. Likewise, imagining or ruminating about something will trigger the fight-or-flight response, getting our bodies fired up.

Know yourself

This is another situation where getting to know yourself is the first step in changing your anger.

What happens when you ruminate/brood/ dwell on negative events?

Physically

Behaviourally

Emotionally

What do you ruminate about (triggers)? Themes – hurt others have caused; revenge

What is being avoided by ruminating?20

You might be putting something off?

What are the consequences of ruminating? Feel angrier, depressed. Stuck, not making progress

Strategies for managing unhealthy rumination

As with all aspects of anger, the first task is to recognise when you are doing it. So whenever you start to dwell or chew over something that makes you feel angry, remind yourself that you are ruminating – “WARNING I’m ruminating”. The best thing you can do is stop as quickly as possible. However this may be easier said than done if ruminating has become a habit. And as with all habits, patience and practise of new behaviours are essential.

1. Say to yourself “stop ruminating”

2. Calm yourself by breathing, relaxation, meditation or exercise.

3. Question the purpose and value of ruminating:

Does ruminating over something help me? Would I advise a friend to think in this way? What would a friend say to me if they knew I was ruminating? Am I looking at the whole picture? Does it really matter that much? What would I say about this in 5 years time? Will it be that important? Do I apply one set of rules or standards to myself & another to other people? Have I got the facts right? Am I tired and irritable?

4. Challenging statements and questions

Maybe there’s been a mistake or I’ve misunderstood. Have I checked there is no other reason for this situation? Have I explained myself clearly? What’s this doing to my health? Maybe I jump to conclusions too quickly? I will act when I’m calm and have thought about it clearly. Ruminating like this may be harming me Get calm and remind yourself of what you were doing before you started ruminating.

5. Mindfulness

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When people ruminate they tend to revisit past injustices or go into the future and fantasise about revenge. So bringing your mind into the present moment can be a powerful strategy. Say to yourself “be here now”. When you realise that your mind has wandered back to ruminating, gently bring yourself back to the present and say “be here now”. Another mindfulness technique is to focus your mind on your senses and become aware of what is around you: the sights, sounds, smells and textures. You may find it useful to do the breathing exercise we practiced last week and focus on how it feels to breathe in this way.

6. Rumination time

As already stated, it may not be that easy to stop ruminating, so try the following technique:

Step 1: Set aside a regular time each day for ruminating – about 15-20 minutes once a day, and no more, so set an alarm clock. Pick a time when you are free of interruptions.

Step 2: Pick a place to ruminate, somewhere that you don’t associate with relaxation (not your bed, or favourite chair); some people sit at the foot of the stairs or sit at a table, with a formal chair. This will be the only place you should ruminate.

Step 3: On a piece of paper write down the negative thoughts, all the things that you are dwelling on.

Step 4: Ensure you stop when time’s up – remember to set an alarm clock.

Step 5: If any negative thoughts come up during the day, write them down on a piece of paper, and then tell yourself to stop thinking about them until your allotted time.

7. Become assertive

If there have been a genuine injustice or hurt, then explain to the other person how you feel and what needs to be changed.

8. Understand your anger

If you accept that your emotions are neither good or bad, but that they are actually messengers, then you can ask yourself what they are trying to tell you.

When you feel angry or experience any emotions related to anger (upset, annoyance, frustration, resentment or judgemental), then ask yourself:

Is my anger masking feelings of fear or loss?

→ if so, then deal with these feelings.

If not, then what part of me or my beliefs is being violated?

→ think about your rules for living. Consider how helpful these rules are. Often they are rigidly held. Try to revise these rules by changing them to more helpful, flexible and kinder ones.

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9. Cost-benefit analysis – is it worth getting angry?

This is strategy that helps you weigh up the advantages (benefits) and disadvantages (costs) of doing something. So draw up to columns on paper and in one column write the costs for continuing to ruminate and in the other write the benefits. Hopefully you will find that whilst there may be a benefit, there will also be a number of costs. Next time you start ruminating look at the costs column and ask yourself if it’s worth thinking in this way.

10. Effective problem-solving

As already noted, not only is rumination a poor form of problem solving, it also impairs normal problem solving abilities. So use the routine described on the next page to get out of your ruminative mind.

Problem-solving routine

We can become angry when we are faced with certain problems. Avoiding the problem or getting angry are not good solutions in the long term. The more you believe that the problems can be solved the more likely to you are to succeed. Using the following strategy you will learn to stop your anger growing into something unmanageable and you will have a tool that gets you out of your angry mind.

Ask yourself the following questions:

Step 1: What’s bothering me?

Step 2: How does it make me feel?

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Step 3: How to calm myself:

Now that I’m calm let’s think it through…. Step 4: Does this really need dealing with?

å æ

Step 5: What do I want to happen? - Be specific. Be realistic.

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If No:↓

It’s not worth getting angry over.I deserve to keep myself calm!

Remove yourself↓

Be Calm üü

If Yes:↓

This is just a problem to solve↓

Blaming others does not solve it↓

Blaming is inflaming

Step 6: What can I do?

Step 7: Consider the consequences of solutions A, B and C.

Step 8: What is my decision? (Circle the best option above)

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Solution A Solution B Solution C

A B C

Advantages

Disadvantages

Step 9: Plan how to carry out your chosen solution

Step 10: Now do it!

Step 11: How did it work?

This problem solving routine will probably seem to be a bit drawn out to begin with. However with practice before, during and after an anger event will improve your problem solving skills. To start with you may like to think about the pros and cons of a choice you are about to make and what the immediate/short term consequences would be and what the long term consequences would be.

How our thoughts affect our anger

To help understand why we get angry, we need to pay attention to our thoughts. The reason for this is explained in the following sentence:

How we think directly affects how we feel

Exercise: Do you agree with this statement? Why?

So, as anger is a feeling, our thoughts will affect our anger. This is for the following three reasons:

(1) Thoughts and feelings are linked: the way in which we choose to think about things, is vital to our mood and feelings.

(2) If we change one, then the other will also change.(3) If we learn how to pay attention to our thoughts and beliefs, then we can change how angry we

feel and also how we respond to these feelings.

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The important point here is that we have more of a choice about how we think and feel than we sometimes realise. The rest of this booklet will explain why this is, and how we can learn to spot automatic ways of thinking and behaving and help us choose alternative ways, in order to help us better manage our feelings of anger.

To explain this link between our thoughts, feelings and behaviours, please look at the diagram below:

Now complete this example of your own.

Exercise: Bring to mind the last time you remember feeling angry:

In that situation I was thinking:

I felt:

I then (describe your behaviour and what you did):

Learning our ABCs

However, anger is not caused by an event itself, but by how we think about those events. The same situation can have a different meaning for different people at different times. One way of making this clearer is to consider our ABCs:

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Behaviours

The actions we take to cope with our angry thoughts and feelings

Feelings

ANGER

Thoughts

Ideas, Beliefs, Rules, Images, Meanings

Anger Trigger Belief Consequence

Writing down your problem in ABC form can help you to work out the difference between your thoughts, feelings and behaviours and also make clearer what triggered off your anger.

A is the Anger Trigger. These are the facts in the situation or event in which you became angry. This could be a real event that has occurred in the outside world (such as someone crashing into your car), or an event that is inside your mind such as an image, sensation or memory (remembering about a time when someone made fun of you).

B is your Beliefs. Your beliefs include your thoughts, your personal rules for living your life, and the meanings that you attach to the external and internal events (the triggers). It is really important to note here that B comes in-between A and C (the consequences come after the beliefs).

C is the Consequences. Consequences can include your feelings (anger), physical sensations that accompany the angry feelings and your behaviours (the actions you take to cope with the feelings). Anger may be only one of many feelings that you feel.

We cannot stop thoughts coming into our head. However, by developing a really clear ABC of your problem can make it much easier for you to realise how your thoughts at ‘B’ lead to your emotional and behavioural responses at ‘C’.

Now use the form on the next page to work out the ABC of a recent situation in which you became angry. Use the example given to guide you. (Tip: it can sometimes be easier to remember the consequences first and then work backwards to what you were thinking and what triggered this).

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ABC Form - EXAMPLE

Anger Trigger Belief Consequence

Write down what triggered your feelings (it could be an outside event or something inside your mind)

Someone jumping in front of me in the supermarket queue

Son not tidying room when I asked twice

Boss giving me extra work to do

Write down the thoughts and beliefs that went through your mind

That’s not fair

He never listens to me

This isn’t part of my job and I can’t cope with this just now.

Write down (a) your feelings and (b) what you did as a result (your actions and behaviours)

Anger (feeling)Irritation (feeling)Gave them an angry look (action)

Anger (feeling)Frustration (feeling)Shouted at him (action)

Anger (feeling)Stressed (feeling)Became quiet and withdrawn at work (action)

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Exercise: ABC Form – My own example

Anger Trigger Belief Consequence

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Write down what triggered your feelings (it could be an outside event or something inside your mind)

Write down the thoughts and beliefs that went through your mind

Write down (a) your feelings and (b) what you did as a result (your actions and behaviours)

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Common Themes in Angry Thoughts

Whilst many different angry thoughts can go through our minds, it is recognised that there are common themes when it comes to anger that you may be able to recognise in yourself.

For example, if anger is often felt in situations where we believe that: We are under threat There has been an injustice Something or someone has prevented us from doing something we want to do Someone has attacked or criticised us at a personal level Someone has violated or broken a rule which is important to us

All of the above suggests that we get angry when something happens, or could happen that we think “should not”. It also appears that anger can increase if the event is judged as:

Unwarranted or unjustified (and so is unfair or undeserved) Intentional (someone purposely inflicted the event) Preventable (it need not have happened) Blame-worthy (someone is responsible for this).

How to Change our Automatic Responses

There are a number of key skills we can develop in order to help us manage our anger through increased awareness of our thoughts, feelings and behaviours.

1. Increase our self-awareness – get to know yourself better (use ABC Forms) 2. Recognise your most unhelpful thoughts 3. Challenge these thoughts 4. Discover more helpful strategies

Recognise your most Unhelpful Thoughts

Sometimes we get into unhelpful thinking patterns. These patterns affect our judgment of situations. Below, some of the common unhelpful patterns in anger are described:

All or nothing thinkingThis is where we split things into black and white categories with no shades of grey in-between. For example, “It’s all going totally wrong”.

Jumping to conclusionsThis is when we guess what people are thinking, with no facts to support our assumption. For example, “She hates me, so much for her friendship”.

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‘Should’ statements“Shoulds”, “oughts” &” musts” are rigid forms of thinking and can lead to feelings of guilt and anger. For example, “I must never forget things”

BlamingWhen you hold yourself or others responsible for something that happened that was out of your control. For example, “I got angry because you messed up today”

LabellingThis is when we are very quick to give ourselves or others a negative label.For example, “He is stupid”

OvergeneralizationThis is when we see a single event as part of a regular pattern. For example, “that’s it, I’m always late”.

Mental filterThis refers to not seeing the good things in a situation & dwelling on the bad things. For example, “See, she couldn’t even finish the job”.

MagnificationThis is when we exaggerate the importance of problem. For example, “How awful, how terrible, I’ve got no clothes to wear, this is the end!”

Emotional reasoningWhen we take our emotion as evidence for the truth. For example, “I feel angry, that proves that you must have treated me badly”

Challenge your Unhelpful Thoughts

If we can catch our thoughts and spot where they are unhelpful, we can change them into helpful thoughts that work for us. Our angry thoughts are often inaccurate and unrealistic because we mistakenly see the situation being thought of as threatening.

D is for Dispute. We need to challenge our unhelpful thinking by questioning and disputing our thoughts. We can do this by asking ourselves certain questions.

When we lose our sense of perspective we often become angry. Learning to see things differently can often help. We each look at the world through our own pair of glasses. It can help prevent anger if we are able to see someone else’s point of view. One way of doing this is to put ourselves in the other person’s shoes. Alternatively, we can try and keep things in perspective, by seeing the bigger picture. A key strategy for managing anger is to keep a sense of humour. It helps to be able to take a step back and see things in proportion. When you lose your sense of humour it is a sign that you are on edge and may be taking things too seriously.

When trying to challenge our unhelpful thoughts, it can be helpful to ask yourself the following questions:

(1) Is there another way to seeing this?(2) What would someone else do? (3) What are the chances of that happening?(4) What is the worst thing that could happen?

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(5) Am I right to think that?(6) Will this matter in 5 years time?(7) What is this worth?

Expectations - What do I want?Our expectations about the way something ought to be can also lead to anger. High expectations lead to high standards, which may not be met. If things are seen as “not good enough”, this may set off anger. Expecting bad things to happen is like looking for trouble and expecting provocation.

Examples of expectations contributing to our anger include:

Feeling angry because something didn’t go the way it was supposed to. Feeling angry because you made a mistake. Feeling angry as a result of trying to complete too much in a day. Routinely getting angry with someone because you expect them to wind you up.

It is important that your expectations are realistic and flexible. Link your expectations to situations and change them if the situation changes. What is realistic today may not be realistic next month. Try to be patient with yourself and others. It’s important to bear in mind, your goal in the situation. This is when we need to return to our ABC form and consider all the consequences to our actions, and think: ‘what’s my goal here?’

To use this strategy we need to break anger into several stages:

Getting ready for provocation: when we know we are going to face something that will make us angry.

During the event: early signs of anger are cues to use coping strategies. Coping with stress: early attempts at anger management may not be successful. Reflecting on provocation: time to evaluate the effect of the experience on you, continue

coping or give self praise.

Below are some examples of self-statements for each of the four stages. It will help if you can identify self-statements that you plan to use in each stage.

Preparing for a provoking situation This is going to upset me but I know how to deal with it What is it that I have to do? Stick to the issues and don’t take it personally Try not to take this too seriously Time for a few deep breaths of relaxation Easy does it, remember to keep your sense of humour

During the event Stay calm, just continue to relax Think of what you want to get out of this There is no point in getting mad It’s really a shame that she has to act like this If I start to get mad I’ll just be banging my head against the wall

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What he says doesn’t matter. I’m on top of this situation and it’s under control

Coping with stress My muscles are starting to feel tight, time to relax and slow things down It’s just not worth it to get so angry Time to take a deep breath Try to reason it out. Treat each other with respect He’d probably like me to get really angry. Well I’m going to disappoint him

Leaving the anger and looking back Try to shake it off. Don’t let it interfere with your job Remember relaxation, it’s a lot better than anger I handled that pretty well. It worked! It could have been a lot worse My pride can sure get me into trouble, but when I don’t take things too seriously, I’m better

off

Ways of communication

The way we communicate with others can make a difference to the responses that we get. There are four main communication styles. We use all four of them at different times and in different situations, but in some relationships we can get stuck in one style.

These communication styles are often defined as:-

1. Passive – “door mat “agreeing or saying nothing but boiling inside, people pleasing

2. Aggressive – forcing our opinion on others, - making YOU statements, - making the other person feel bad about holding a particular opinion egg ‘I cant believe

you think xxxx’- Intimidating others with your opinion

3. Passive Aggressive – being angry but never really being specific about what we are angry about. You may recognise this in the person who makes us feel bad about something with a smile on their face. They take pot shots and you are never really sure if they mean what they say or not. They get away with being aggressive because they make us think that perhaps we are being too sensitive. They also make other people feel very angry.

4. Assertive – many people have never really learned or practiced how to be assertive. Often it is confused with being aggressive, but it is very different. One way to understand assertive communication is that it is about expressing our own: Feelings, Needs, Rights and Opinions and helping others to understand them.

Fact – feel – wantFact – feel – want is a simple way to be assertive. You need all three to put together an assertive statement.

Facts: The first point is to outline the situation as objectively as you can and try not to make any judgements or assumptions.

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Feelings: Try to describe your feelings using “I feel…” statements and not “you make me feel…”.

Wants: Say what you want someone to do and not what you don’t want them to do.

ConsequencesSometimes we do not get the results we want, even though we have avoided anger. This may be because the person is not motivated to meet our needs. In this case it may be helpful to add some consequences to the statement. However, it is important to be careful when doing this and there are some guidelines to help us:

Consequences should be specificBe precise about what exactly will trigger the consequences and what will happen next. Do not make vague threats like “if you don’t stop irritating me you’ll be sorry”. An example of a specific statement is:“If you don’t stop calling me several times a day, I will use my answering machine to screen calls and won’t talk to you for 24 hours after your last call.”

Consequences should be reasonableSet reasonable consequences and remain in control. Avoid setting consequences that involve threats of violence or public humiliation. These will tend to make people angry. Angry people are less likely to cooperate with you. A reasonable consequence might be:“If you speak to me again in that disrespectful manner, there will be no allowance this week”

Consequences should be consistentIf you say you are going to do something it is important that you carry it out and do it every time the situation comes up. If you do not, the other person will not take you seriously.

Ensure that you can live with the resultsDon’t bite off your nose to spite your face. The consequences should be problematic for the other person and not for you. Also, be careful about making dramatic statements like threatening divorce or to kill yourself. They may seem appropriate at the time, but they usually end up hurting you more and rarely get you what you want.

NegotiationAnother way to approach angry discussions is to learn how to negotiate when there is a conflict. This is difficult and you will have to listen and understand the other person’s point of view. It is important that you start with the idea that the other person’s needs are as important to them as yours are to you. Bullying your way in to getting what you want will not get others to change their point of view. There are six steps to good negotiation:

1. Know what you wantThis is more difficult than it sounds and you need to be as specific as possible.

“I want us to go to Scotland for two weeks this summer”

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2. State what action you want This means saying exactly what you want the person to do or not to do.

“I want you to do the dishes before watching any television”

3. Listen to the other person’s point of viewThis is so you can gather information to help you understand the other person’s position. It is not so you can argue. Understanding a point of view does not mean that you have to agree with it.

4. Make a suggestion or proposalWhen doing this you should take into account what the other person needs or wants in a situation. This may take some creative thinking and a flexible attitude.

5. Ask the other person to make a suggestion (counterproposal)If the other person doesn’t like what you proposed then ask them to come up with an alternative. You are trying to come up with something that you can both live with.

6. Find middle ground (compromise)This is the main bit of negotiation. You find something that you can both agree to, you may both have to give some ground in order to do this. Examples include:

Let’s split the difference. When you’re driving we’ll do it your way, and when I’m driving we’ll do it my way. Let’s try it my way for a week and see if it works. If you don’t like it, we’ll go back to doing it

the old way.

Setting limitsWe are often bombarded with requests and being able to say “no” is very important. Being able to say “no” sends the message that we have our own needs, wishes and priorities. It lets people know that we can defend ourselves against other people’s demands. It also lets others know that we are not a pushover.

Long-term anger difficulties may happen if we cannot say no. There are three steps for setting limits:

1. Acknowledge other person’s needs You will need to start by getting more information about what the other person wants. Ask specific questions. Once you understand what is being asked for, you can repeat it back, to reassure the other person that you have heard correctly.

2. State your own position This is why you are setting a limit. You may include your feelings, wishes or view of the situation. State your position without apologising, as confidently and assertively as possible. Describe what is right for you without putting yourself down.

3. Say “no” This is the main part of setting a limit. Some examples include, “no thanks”, “I don’t want to do that”, “It just doesn’t feel right for me”

Saying No

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The No-Frills No:“No, I won’t be able to help you with that.”

The Empathic No:“No. I know you were hoping I could help, but I just can’t do it.”

The Reason-Giving No:“No. I’ll be working on a job/task/project at home this weekend.”

The If-Only No:“No. If only I had known about it a little earlier, I could have said yes (or considered helping)

The Helpful No:“No. I can’t help you, but have you considered trying ?”

The Yes, but No, No:“I can do this, no problem, but ………… No, I won’t be able to do that”.

The Good Intentions No:“I’d really like to help you with that, but no, I can’t (because ).”

The No-without-No, No:“I’m very busy, so which of my/these responsibilities should take priority?”

Other things to cope with

Being told “no”Being told “no” happens to everyone at some time or another and is just part of life. For example we may have made a request and despite being assertive and negotiating, we are still told “no”. This is often difficult to deal with and may make us feel angry or irritable.

Remember the skills you have learned on this course. Notice early warning signs of anger and monitor change in your body, thoughts and behaviour.

Teasing and provocationPeople tease to get a response or to get others into trouble. Being teased can bring out negative emotions in us. Use your problem solving technique to decide which of the following may help:

Ignore the person, say to yourself, “People tease to get results. If I respond they have won!” Leave, walk away Make a joke Agree with the teasing Imagine them in a ridiculous situation

Coping with CriticismReceiving criticism is often difficult. It can remind us of when we were a child and painful emotions can resurface. We may then use anger to cover up these painful emotions. Instead of getting angry we need to find a way of dealing with it.

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Firstly, it is important to stop any attack, you do not need to be someone’s punch bag. Remember, it is only one person’s opinion. Secondly, ask for more information. We need to find out whether the criticism is justified or unjustified. Thirdly, use your anger management strategies:

Listen & check that you understand what is said Look at the other person Remember your anger thermometer, monitor your arousal levels Use self statements and arousal reduction Congratulate yourself if you stay cool Take time to decide if the criticism is justified or not

If the criticism is justified: Agree and admit to your mistakes (be assertive) Explain your reasons if you wish (NOT lengthy excuses) Apologise if necessary

If the criticism is unjustified Politely but firmly disagree Give an explanation, if there is another reason Ask what makes them think that Express how you felt – upset etc.

Being on the receiving end of angerBeing on the receiving end of anger can stir up a range of angry thoughts. These thoughts will depend on past experiences, memories and expectations. It is common to feel fear, a need for revenge, worry or insecurity. We may respond with attack, defence or avoidance. Things you can do if you find yourself on the receiving end of anger include:

Listen Give the angry person space Relax, concentrate on slow deep breathing Don’t make sudden movements, these can be perceived as threatening Use self talk to keep yourself calm See it from their point of view Talk when you are both calm Don’t take it personally Apologise if you are at fault Ask if there is anything you can do to make person feel better

How to have less aggressive rows

Arguments and rows are part of all relationships. The key is to be able to get your point over to someone without causing them hurt or fear. Unfortunately people with anger difficulties often struggle to argue in a non-aggressive manner. Therefore the following strategies based on ideas by Bell (1995) are suggested:

Exercise: what happens when you argue or row?

How do you behave when you have a row or argument (be honest with yourself)

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What effect does your anger have: On the other person (do they become angry, afraid, upset) ____________________________

On your state of mind

On your relationship

Ready & willing to change

Are you willing to take responsibility for changing your part when you row? If so, how could you row more fairly? Think about what you could do differently during each stage as a row gets worse?

Helpful Ways

Hurt-free tips for rows & arguments

Try Speak one at a time. Try to listen to the other person and think about their point of view. Don’t think ‘I’ve heard this before’ & then switch off. Don’t give someone the silent treatment or talk non-stop. Pause before you speak or act " Stop, think of consequences and then act Own your feelings, especially anger (I feel angry…. I feel as if….) and reason (because….) Change accusations into requests (Instead of saying: You don’t do the washing-up " Can you do

the washing-up?) Use ‘I’ statements and fewer ‘you’ statements (Instead of saying: you don’t care about me " I

feel hurt when I feel unimportant to you) Say what you would have liked them to have done rather than attacking or criticising them If you get aggressive, walk away & calm down

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Try to maintain respect for the other person. When you attack or criticise say sorry sooner rather than later when you feel guilty

Unhelpful

AVOID, AVOID, AVOID

Avoid generalisations be specific (You always …..) Avoid blaming or judging Avoid jumping to conclusions Avoid mind reading

TRY NOT TO: Shout. It will make the other person defensive and possibly angry so they won’t listen but

will attack you instead. " Quiet voice Claim to know what the other person feels or thinks. " Ask them instead & listen. Ask for

clarification or more information (Are you saying…?) You may be assuming one thing when the opposite is true.

Bawl them out, attack or criticize Drag up old grievances or keep scores " keep to current problem/issue & be specific Go for the jugular, using something that you know will hurt them Make threats of any kind (end relationship, hurt them, hurt yourself)

Remember Everyone’s trying to survive life as best as they can People aren’t against you, they are only for themselves It’s ok to have difference of an opinion

Obstacles to change

There are a number of obstacles to achieving your goals and it is important to think how you might respond to them. In the first week you thought about possible goals, and you have learned about strategies for managing your anger the next question is to think about why these strategies might not work. If it was only as easy as writing down some goals then change would happen more often. So it is important to think about the possible obstacles that might stop you from achieving your goals. Here are some things to help you think about the obstacles you may come across when trying to achieve your goals:

1. Past Failures – I tried this before and I didn’t succeed.2. Fear of Letting go – your anger may have some advantages and letting go of it may worry you. How

will you cope?3. Fear of the Unknown – many people fear that when change occurs, they will lose control – if this

were true, nothing would ever change!4. Fear of Failure - if I commit myself to goals for change, there is a chance I will fail. This is true, but if

you do not have a go you will never achieve change.5. Fear of Commitment - commitment forces you to answer tough questions. "What do I really

want?". Commitment to one option can be difficult because it eliminates other options. Thinking about commitment to change can be something that a counsellor, mental health worker or psychologist can help you with

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6. Fear of Disapproval - if I change, people may say they liked me better the way I was. Your own change also forces others to change in relationship to you - maybe it’s time to put yourself first.

7. Fear of Success - if I change, what other demands will be made of me? Can I sustain this success? This is a very normal concern. However, this process and treatment should equip you better for future challenges.

Exercise: obstacles to changeNow think about how you might respond to these obstacles. First try to rephrase them as challenges that you and a trusted person (friend, psychologist etc.) can discuss and then consider possible solutions. Think about previous times when you have overcome an obstacle. Think about what you would say to a friend who faced this obstacle.

Possible obstacle How I might respond

Slips & Relapses

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Maintaining change can be difficult and sometimes slips or relapse (returning to old ways) may happen. You should not see relapse as failure. It may occur for many different reasons. Most often relapse does not happen automatically, but takes place gradually after an initial slip occurs.

Coping with relapse

Relapse can be avoided through continued practice of anger management strategies. However, if you relapse: Don’t call yourself a failure Don’t continue with angry behaviour Do see your relapse as a ‘slip’ & that you can do things differently Do look at the anger management information Do talk to a trusted friend Do seek help – speak to your GP

Learning from experience

Whilst it is important to know about anger and how it affects you. It is equally important that you try the strategies that we have discussed in the past weeks.

Learning from experience is often the most powerful way. Think about the most important lessons that you have learnt through life - the good and the not so good - how did you learn them? Through someone telling you or you reading about something or by your actions or someone else’s?

To begin with it is important to understand how anger works and how it affects you and those around you. Learning about strategies and techniques may help you manage your anger more effectively. The next step is to learn from experience:

1. Plan when to use the strategy. 2. Do it – i.e. use the strategy.3. Reflect on how it went. Did it work? What could be done differently?4. Conclude what needs to be done next. More practice or back to the drawing board?

Things that increase the chances of success

There are a number of things that will help you to succeed in managing your anger:

Practice: you need to practice the strategies which you have decided to try.Perseverance: keep trying, even if you don’t have immediate success.Patience: your anger difficulties took time to develop, it will also take time to learn how

to manage your angerPlanning: plan what you are going to do, don’t take a random approach.Determination: you will need determination to succeedOptimistic thinking: approach managing your anger from an optimistic point of view. You are going to succeed at this.Responsibility taking:others may be able to help but ultimately you are responsible for changing your behaviourControl: you can take control of your behaviour and can control the change in your

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behaviour.

Remember, we rarely succeed the first time, let alone the second, third, fourth or fifth time.

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