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www.GuideToSelf.com 1 © 2010-11 All rights reserved. John Schinnerer, Ph.D. www.GuideToSelf.com 1 © 2010-11 All rights reserved. John Schinnerer, Ph.D.

John L. Schinnerer, Ph.D.

Guide To Self, Inc. www.GuideToSelf.com

http://drjohnblog.guidetoself.com http://drjohnsblog.wordpress.com

The Complete Guide to Anger Management:

Week 8

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Use All Words But One to Make a Meaningful Sentence

Example: of worthy love am I

respect

= ‘I am worthy of love.’ Or ‘I am worthy of respect.’




resilient determined am and tough I




open-mindedness I filled am with

wonder



to am irritability

anger I slow




calm and laid-back

am I relaxed




The Best Anger Management Program:

1. Anger facts – a powerful knowledge base regarding what anger is

and tools to turn down the volume on it (Weeks 1 and 2)

2. Stress management – understanding what stress is and new ways

to relate to it (Week 3)

3. Assertiveness training – ways to be more appropriately assertive

so anger doesn’t build over time (Weeks 4 and 5)

4. Emotional awareness – education to increase awareness of

negative emotions in the moment (Weeks 6, 7 & 8)

5. Substitutes for anger – paths to happiness as a partial substitute for

anger

Framework for Managing Anger



Guilt – has to do with what

you have done (or not done)

Shame – has to do with who

you are

Guilt vs. Shame



Guilt has both approach and avoidance built into it.

The first emotion to be found in studies to act

dynamically.

Guilt acts like a boomerang.

It has…

an avoidance element (run away) and

an approach element (go towards)

Guilt as a Boomerang



Guilt can act as a motivation towards or a barrier against lifestyle changes.

Guilt seems to be "significantly higher" among women.

Men seem to feel "too little guilt,” especially those between the ages of 25 to 33.

Guilt is most commonly related to situations where we cause harm to other people.

Guilt Facts



Guilt is experienced as…

the thought that you were in the wrong

the thought you shouldn’t have done it

strong feelings of empathy (awareness of

the other person’s feelings)

a motivation to alleviate distress via action,

confession and/or apology

the desire to undo what you have done

a desire to punish yourself, and

a desire to be forgiven.

Identifying Guilt



Tips to Remove Guilt

• Identify your guilty feelings • Accept responsibility for misbehavior • Confess the exact nature of your transgressions to yourself, another human being and/or to God, and • Ask for forgiveness from yourself and others whom your actions negatively impacted.



Shame may be experienced as… • Feeling self-conscious • Feeling as if you are a bad or immoral person • Long term anger • Disgust with your self • A feeling of isolation or desire to hide • Feeling inferior to others Shame involves the inner persona rather than your outer public persona (which would be more like embarrassment)

Identifying Shame



Caused by… • Unacceptable public behavior • Physical mistake (e.g., a fall, a trip, a burp, perspiration, unzipped fly, physical exposure) • Speech mistake (e.g., calling Ms. Hitch Ms. Bitch) • Bodily betrayals (e.g., gas, urine, etc.) • Awareness of the error (yours and others) • Vicarious embarrassment (e.g., your child wets his pants)

Embarrassment



Experienced as... Others' laughter Funny, awkward, may feel foolish Nervous or worried Surprised or self-conscious Relatively mild mistake Abrupt withdrawal (You want to flee!) The thought “What will others think?!” Note: Embarrassment can trigger anger in a flash!

Embarrassment



Life Is All About Connection

Shame - the fear of disconnection. “Is there something about me, that if others found out, they will think I’m not worthy of connection?” Brene’ Brown



5 Things ‘Worthy’ People Have in Common

Worthiness is a strong sense of love and belonging.

Courage. The ability to tell the story of who you are with

your whole heart; the courage to be imperfect.

Self-compassion – How you speak to yourself. You can’t

treat others kindly without treating yourself kindly first.

Authentic – The are willing to let go of who they thought

they SHOULD be to be who they are.

Fully vulnerable – They believed that what made them

vulnerable also makes them worthwhile & interesting.

The paradox of post-traumatic growth… I’m more

vulnerable, yet I’m also stronger.



Why do we struggle with vulnerability so much?

• We numb.

• We make the uncertain certain.

• We blame.

• We strive for perfection.



Three Sources of Shame

Shame begins with one of three sources:

1. Significant others (e.g., parents, caretakers, family members, siblings, etc.)

2. A shameful environment and/or

3. A shameful event.



Remember: The Brain Changes Hourly

The human brain can grow and change at any time. It changes, NOT in a matter of months, but a matter of hours. Your job is to train your brain the way you want. We all have old programming from society, parents, friends and our selves. You can choose to retrain it.



Many of life's failures are people who did not realize

how close they were to success when they gave up.

If I find 10,000 ways something won't work, I haven't

failed. I am not discouraged, because every wrong

attempt is another step forward.

Thomas A. Edison

Rethink Failure



From Failure to Success

One of the most important ways we learn is by ‘failing’.

Think of ‘failing’ your way to success What is considered ‘failure’ today may

be a cornerstone of success tomorrow.



Understand You Are Enough

Our job is to realize we are hard-wired to struggle and to know that we are worthy of love and belonging.

Believe that you are enough.

It’s not about what you do. It’s about who you ARE.

Tell yourself that you are worthy of love and belonging.



Turning down anxiety, guilt and shame with curiosity – like knobs on a stereo. For just a moment, think about the situation where you feel the most anxious and uncomfortable. Maybe it’s when you speak in public, going on a job interview, talking to an attractive person you want to date, or thinking about how little money you have at your disposal.

Action Step #15: The Stereo Metaphor



Make the situation personal. Everyone has something that causes them at least a little anxiety. Think about what you most want to do when you feel that anxiety. Do you want to run? Do you freeze? Do you get irritable and stressed? Do you want to conquer the moment? With this personal image in mind, consider the following metaphor…

Action Step #15: The Stereo Metaphor



For the next 3 weeks, think about your best possible self. ‘Think about your best possible self’ means that you

imagine yourself in the future, after everything has gone as well as it possibly could. You have worked hard and succeeded at accomplishing all of your life goals.

Think of this as the realization of your life dreams, and of your own best potentials. In all of these cases you are identifying the best possible way that things might turn out in your life, in order to help guide your decisions now.

Action Step #16: Your Best Possible Self



You may not have thought about yourself in this way before, but research suggests that doing so can have a strong positive effect on your mood and life satisfaction. Now, your action step is to write 1 – 2 pages on your best possible self. Continue thinking in this way over the next few weeks. Do this over the next 3 weeks, as it will provide significant benefits. Do this action step at least twice per week during this time.

Action Step #16: Best Possible Self



John Schinnerer, Ph.D.

– Author of Guide To Self: The Beginner’s Guide to Managing Emotion and Thought

– Ph.D. in Ed. Psychology from Cal

– Advisory Board of PsychCentral.com

– Blog, Shrunken Mind (www.DrJohnBlog.GuideToSelf.com), awarded top 3 in positive psychology and top 100 blog on web by Daily Reviewer

– Guide To Self – coach, author, speaker, trainer, hosted over 200 prime time radio shows

Awarded Best Self-help Book of Year

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