healing the hurts of your past sample

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Healing the Hurts of Your PastA Guide to Overcoming the Pain of ShameCopyright 2006F. Remy Diederich

ALL RIGHTS RESERVEDNo portion of this publication may be reproduced, stored in any

electronic system or transmitted in any form or by any means,electronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording or otherwise, without

the written permission from the author or publisher. Briefquotations may be used in literary reviews

Scripture quotations are taken from the HOLY BIBLE, NEWINTERNATIONAL VERSION. NIV.

Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society.Used by permission of Zondervan. All Rights Reserved.

Printed and bound in the United States

ISBN-10: 0615535461ISBN-13: 978-0-615-535463

Cross Point Publishing

Learn more about Cross Point Publishing by visiting us on theweb at:

www.crosspointpublishing.com

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Other books from F. Remy DiederichHow To Release Your Anger...For Good!*

*Coming spring 2012


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Table of Contents

IntroductionThe Pain of Shame 1

Chapter One

Welcome to a Journey 3Chapter TwoThe Nature of Shame 9

Chapter ThreeResponse to Shame 13

Chapter FourShame and Guilt 17

Chapter FiveThe Lies of Shame 21

Chapter SixThe Shame Quiz 25

Chapter SevenConsider Your Past 27

Chapter EightThe Roots of Shame Abuse 29

Chapter NineThe Roots of Shame Ridicule 37

Chapter TenThe Roots of Shame Your Name 47

Chapter ElevenThe Roots of Shame Neglect 53

Chapter Twelve

The Roots of Shame

Secrets 61Chapter Thirteen

The Roots of Shame Traumatic Events 65Chapter Fourteen

The Roots of Shame Pain Preventers 69Chapter Fifteen


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The Roots of Shame Pain Killers 79Chapter Sixteen

The Roots of Shame Pain Expressions 87Chapter Seventeen

The Roots of Shame

Suicide 95Chapter Eighteen

Cutting Down the Shame Tree 99Chapter Nineteen

The Lion King and Shame 105Chapter Twenty

Remember Who You Are 113

Chapter Twenty-OneSteps to Cutting Down the Shame Tree 129Final Thoughts 149Appendix I

Recommended Reading 153Appendix II

Bible Verses for LifeChange 155About the Author 167


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Dedication:This book is dedicated to the many friends I have met over the

years at Arbor Place Treatment Center who have sought to findhealing from the pain of shame. Thank you for all you have

taught me as you have grappled to understand the possibility of aGod who loves you so much that he would give his life to restoreyou to wholeness.

In Memory:Written in memory of Michelle Gregorfor whom the pain of shame proved to be too much.


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INTRODUCTION:

The Pain of Shame

When I say the name, Lieutenant Dan, what comes tomind? If you saw the movie, Forrest Gump, you know just who Iam talking about. Let me give you a little background.

Forrest Gump was a simple minded man who tells thestory of his life to whomever will listen while sitting at a busstop. Some of his life episodes are common and touching. Someof them are super human. You find yourself laughing and cryingthroughout the movie.

One episode takes place during the Viet Nam war. Forresthas just been flown into combat where he meets Lt. Dan. Lt. Dan

was a mans man. He was confident, good looking, tough, and hewas proud every generation of his family had a man who haddied in battle for his country. He had war hero in his blood, and heknew it. He couldnt lose. Whether he lived in victory or diedfighting, either way he was a winner. Or so, he thought.

One day Lt. Dan led his men into the jungle when theycame under heavy attack. One by one the men were cut down byenemy fire. In a moment of superhuman strength, Forrest picked

up each man and ran them out to a clearing where they wereairlifted by helicopter to a hospital.

To his surprise, Forrest came upon Lt. Dan. His legs wereripped up by enemy fire. Forrest went to pick him up but Lt. Dantold him to leave him alone. He wanted to die a hero on thebattlefield, not live as a cripple. Forrest had to


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2 Healing the Hurts of Your Past

make the tough choice; does he leave him to die and preserve hispride? Or does he save him, knowing that Lt. Dan may hate him

for life? Forrest decides to save him.Forrest also took some bullets in the butt. Both Lt. Dan

and Forrest were sent to the hospital to recover. One day, Forrestis resting in bed when a hand comes up over the side of his bed,grabs him by his bed shirt and pulls him to the ground. The handwas Lt. Dans. Both of his legs are amputated and bandaged andhis face is filled with rage. As they lay their on the floor, Lt. Dansays...

You listen to me. We all have a destiny, nothing just happens.Its all part of a plan! I should have died out there withmymen, but now I am nothing but a god damned cripple! A legless

freak! [Then, pointing to his leg stumps he says] Do you see that? Do you know what its like not being able to useyour legs?

Then Forrest says,Yes sir I do.

Lt. Dan continues on with his rebukeDid you hear what I said? You cheated me! I had a destiny. Iwas supposed to die in the field with honor! That was mydestiny and you cheated me out of it! Do you understand what I

am saying Gump? This wasnt supposed to happen. Notto me. Ihad a destiny. I was Lieutenant Dan Taylor.

And Forrest says,You still Lieutenant Dan.

With a look of hopelessness, Lt. Dan concludes by sayingLook at me. What am I going to do now? What am I going to

do now?

Lt. Dan went from being a war hero in his mind to agod damned legless freak. In case you are offended by that


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The Pain of Shame 3

phrase, it is not swearing. He literally felt damned by God. In aninstant his entire world changed. He went from honor to shame.

From significance to worthlessness. From hero to freak.Suddenly his life lost all meaning and purpose. He was damagedgoodsa reject waiting for the garbage dump.

I wonder if that is how you feel. I wonder if somethinghappened in your life that has made you feel like you too aredamaged goods.


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CHAPTER ONE:

Welcome to a Journey

Everyone likes to learn from an expert, and I can assureyou that I am an expert on shame not because I have acclaimeddoctorates in the field of study but because I grew up in ahousehold of shame. And then, with this experience in hand, Ibecame adept at shaming others. So, I have an insiders view ofshame.

Most recently my expertise in shame has come frominteracting with shame based people on almost a daily basis. I amboth a pastor, where I counsel people, as well as a consultant at adrug and alcohol treatment center where I teach and lead adiscussion on issues of shame, anger and spirituality on a weekly

basis. By combining my personal experience with my study ofboth the Bible and current research, I have written this book andhave taught on this subject for over thirteen years. I think you aregoing to find it very helpful.

Shame is a very painful topic that most people dont wantto discuss. It is often rooted in horrible life events like; abuse,neglect, and cruel experiences that youd rather forget. I

commend you for taking the time and making the effort to readthis book. At times it will be very uncomfortable as I help you topeel back the layers of your life and painful memories flood yourmind. You may want to stop and say, I cant go there or I amnot ready for this but I hope youll stick with me to the endbecause that is where youll learn how to heal the hurts of yourpast. And


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once you find healing, youll wonder why you waited so long!

An OverviewThis book is broken into three

sections. I will use a tree to help youvisualize what I am talking about.

1. First, well look at the rootsof shame to see where ourfeelings of worthlessness

come from.2. Next, well look at the fruitof shame. We all have anumber of habits and hang-ups that are a direct result of our not liking ourselves verymuch.

3. Finally, well look at how to cut this tree down in orderto let Gods grace and truth grow in its place.

Let me caution you about your expectations for this book.

After giving this message at a seminar once, a woman lamentedthat her hurts hadnt been healed, like the title says. I had to smileat her optimism, as if any seminar could truly change her life infour hours. You need to understand that healing willcome but ittakes commitment on your part. It takes openness to God, and it

takes some time. This bookwill not heal you, but it will help youto understand your hurts, see how theyve impacted your life andthen show you the path to healing. That is why I subtitled thisbooka guide to overcoming the pain of shame.

This message is like a seed. After the anticipation of planting acrop nothing seems to happen. Nevertheless, a seed has been

planted and the forces of nature are now set in motion. In timeand with the right factors (like rain and sun) change will comeand, eventually, a harvest. I want to encourage you that this bookis only the beginning, but it isa beginning! You have started aprocess that, given time and


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Welcome to a Journey 7

the right conditions, will end in healing the hurts of your past.Before I go any further, would you join me in this prayer

and ask God to help you find the healing that you are looking for?

God I ask that you would give the reader the eyes to see, and the ears tohear the truth. Encourage them and give them hope. Help them to cometo know you in a fresh way through this time that will cause them to

follow you more closely. Help them to sense your presence so they mayknow that you have not abandoned them but you desire to make them a

whole person. And Father, please heal their hurts so that they can live thelife of abundance and joy that you planned for them. Thank you.Amen.

Write it down:

Throughout this book I will be stopping along the way to haveyou answer some questions. I have given you some room in thisbook to jot down your answers but you might want to use ajournal to give you more space. Dont skip this part. I think it iskey to your healing. My first question is

What are you hoping to get out of this message? In otherwords, I want you to consider your expectations. Are youlooking for a quick fix or a miracle cure? Or are youcommitted to do whatever it takes to find healing? Also,do you have any hope of change, or are you just goingthrough the motions of seeking help? It is important tobe honest with yourself at the beginning and ponder thesequestions.

Next, what are some issues where you know you needhealing? For example, you might want to list out


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some issues like:o I need to overcome the despair that

tends to overwhelm me and causes me to notfunction like I should.

o I need to overcome the way Ioverreact to peoples criticism.

o I want to get to the bottom of myaddictions.

Now grab a pen, and maybe a cup of coffee, and lets get started!


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CHAPTER TWO:

The Nature of Shame

We're going to go back to the story of Lt. Dan but first letme give you a basic definition for shame. Ill do it with a diagram.Youll see that I drew a bar that says Expectations. Thenbeneath the bar is another line that is labeled Reality. In otherwords, our reality doesnt always live up to our expectations.

We all live with expectations for the way our livesSHOULD be. There are expectations that people havefor uslikeour family or friends or teachers. Then there are expectationsthat Godhas for usor, at least the expectations we thinkGod hasfor us. Plus, there are the expectations that we have for ourselves.

That is a lot of expectations!Many of these expectations we live up to, but

unfortunately, we also fall short of many of them. Falling shortis part of the human condition. The Bible tells us in


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the book of Romans that...

All have missed the target and fallen short of Gods perfection.Romans 3:23

We all fall short, but for most of us, falling short doesntfeel very good and that is where shame comes in.

If you are a well adjusted person, falling short ofexpectations may not affect you very much at all. Either yourealize that you set your expectations too high and so you lowerthem or you simply decide to work a little harder to achieve yourgoals no big deal. But for many of us, it is not that simple.Falling short of our life expectations can be devastating. We see itas a statement of our value. Somewhere along the line we learnedthat our self-worth is directly related to our performance and so,if we arent performing well we naturally assume that we aredeficient as a person. We dont measure up. We are defective

flawed. Theres something wrong with us. It is these thoughtsthat define a shame based person.

Years ago, a recovering addict told me that shame madeher feel like damaged goods. I think that is a great phrase. Ifyou walked into any store today you would find a corner, way inthe back, which has a pile of damaged goods. These are productsthat have been dropped or chipped or soiled in some way and are

not fit for sale. Only perfect items have the value that allows themto be displayed on the shelf. The damaged products are reallygood for nothing and typically get tossed out at the end of theday or sent back to the factory.

Maybe this is how you feel aboutyourlife. Maybe you havebeen divorced, not once but twice or even more. Maybe you havebeen adopted or had an abortion. Maybe you have lost a job thatyou thought you were made for. Or maybe you have been sexually

abused. Any one of these life


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The Nature of Shame 11

events can leave you feeling like damaged goods. In your mind,you dont deserve to be placed on the shelf with normal people.

You are convinced that you are damaged and, because of that, yougo through life anticipating rejection at every turn.

Another person described shame as the fear of beingexposed. They spent their life trying to cover-up theirinadequacies fearing that if they were exposed that people wouldwant nothing to do with them. Well, in fact, the fear of exposureis central to the idea of shame. The shamed person will spendhours every day trying to look perfect and act perfect so as not toreveal their hidden deficiencies.

Shame makes you feel like you are good for nothing, orbeyond hope. You are convinced that even God cant help you.All of these feelings are what I call the Pain of Shame.

The pain of shame leads to three primary emotionalproblems;

1.The first problem is Anger. Shame causes you to getmad at yourself for failing to reach your expectations.

Plus you get mad at others because you are hypersensitiveto their criticism. And you get mad at God for makingyou so defective. If you read my book on anger, I go intodetail as to why


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shame and anger are so closely related.2. The second emotional problem related to shame is

Anxiety. Shame makes you anticipate and fear failure,exposure and rejection. Anxiety attacks can often betraced back to the fear of your weaknesses and failingsbeing exposed in public.

3. And the third emotional problem related toshame is Depression. Shame convinces you that lifewill never be good again and so sadness settles in likea thick fog leading to hopelessness and despair.

Add to this pain the fallout from all of these problems.What I mean is that angry, anxious and depressed people havetrouble maintaining healthy relationships and functioning well attheir job. Not only are they suffering internal emotional pain butthey are very likely experiencing both relational and financialstress as well which only adds to their sense of worthlessness! It

is a vicious cycle.

Write it down;

What role do anger, anxiety and depression play in yourlife? That is, where do you see them most often? Inwhat situations?

How much energy do you think you put into managing theseemotions on a daily basis?


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Thankyou for reading this sample of Healing theHurts of Your Past. You may purchase this bookon Amazon.com in paperback or on Kindle.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

F. Remy Diederich

Remy Diederich is the founding Pastor of Cedarbrook Church inMenomonie, Wisconsin and serves as the Spirituality Consultantto Arbor Place Treatment Center. He also offers LifeChangeSeminars on how to overcome issues of shame and anger. For thepast fifteen years he has worked closely with both hiscongregation and clients in recovery to help people find freedomfrom their hurts through a better understanding of God'sunconditional love. Remy received his Masters in Theology fromBethel Seminary in St. Paul. He is married with three adultchildren. He welcomes your comments and questions at

[email protected] .


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