he broke my heart but i still love him with all the little pieces

7/29/2019 He Broke My Heart But I Still Love Him With All The Little Pieces

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HBWbook1:

He Broke My Heart But I Still Love Him

With All The Little Pieces

(A Quotestory)

--------------------

KATHLEEN VILLANUEVA

(Lisa Tekila)

xxkathyxx

(www.wattpad.com/user/xxkathyxx)

Copyright 2011 by Kath Newville

CoverDesign: TessaMarie. WATTPAD
http://www.wattpad.com/user/xxkathyxxhttp://www.wattpad.com/user/xxkathyxxhttp://www.wattpad.com/user/xxkathyxxhttp://www.wattpad.com/user/xxkathyxx


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This book is dedicated to all the heartbroken readers out there...

To LISA TEKILA...

And random strangers who will get the opportunity to read this...

Thank you for inspiring me to share this with you...


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PROLOGUE

I would've given him the world, all he had to do was ask. I was a fool to fall for him; He was a wasteof a big chunk of my life.

He filled my head with all these illusions and lies. I miss him. I love him. Im over him. I hate him. Ican't exactly describe my feelings for him, it's literally impossible.

Why is he incapable of being my friend? Im the one who got hurt and I tried everything andanything to be his friend afterwards, while he threw it all back in my face with some of the harshest wordsthat have ever been said to me.

He was a major part of my life; of course Ill miss him; its perfectly normal. Its like getting a tooth

pulled out; after the dentist pulls it, youre relieved. But how many times do I run my tongue over the spotwhere it once was? Probably a hundred times a day. Just because it was hurting me, doesnt mean I dontnotice it. It leaves a gap, and sometimes I see myself missing it terribly. Its going t o take a while, but italways takes some time. Should I have kept the tooth? No, because it was causing me pain. Pulling thetooth was the right decision, but its still going to hurt.


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CHAPTER 1:

Sorry? For what?

I think I might have made a mistake telling you how I feelbecause now I'm afraid that every time I talk to you, youmight think I'm flirting or all the mysterious all status

updates are for you and I don't feel as comfortable talkingto you as I did when you didn't know it. Now when I'm nearyou, I feel like Im really vulnerable because you know howI feel about you. And the thing that sucks the most is that

for you, I don't mean a thing, I'm just another girl who likesyou. I thought that once I told you, I would feel happy

again. Guess what, I was wrong. Again.

ANONYMOUS


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A simple truth or dare game is the reason why Im broken. Im a broken hearted girl you know? Ourgroup of six young ladies waited until the bottle will come at full stop. The bottle rolled in a circle passing us.From the girl who looks like a rock star, to a girl who obviously loves bright colors, and to the curly haired

girl, passing a craggy faced girl, to a shaggy haired girl and then it stopped at me. And they all cheered.Erika, the rock star girl talked like an old woman. She said truth or dare in a spooky voice. We wereplaying spin the bottle and Im practically the only one in the group who has a love life. I mean, they allknow who my crush is. The whole world knows who my crush is. But he doesnt seem to notice it and Imafraid to be having awkward moments with him.

Were friends and hes like the perfect guy for me. Guys like him are special. Theyre funny, theyrefriendly, no awkward momentsuntil you start to like one.

Hell-o! Erika said while waving her hand in front of my face. Shes the rebellious rich kid in ourgroup.

Truth or dare Natalie, Penne, the girl wearing bright red blouse said gently, shes the face of thegroup. Were all pretty but shes the prettiest among the prettier.

Poor me. My friends have cool names and Im stuck with Natalie. I dont hate my name but I wantsomething different like Denita or Jeseinia.

Erika, Penne, Alana, Lora and Marylou, Cool names right? My crushs name is Leandro.

Alana, my curly haired friend is starting to become moody. We call her bipolar for she can laughand cry at the same time. Shes the problem kid. Shes the one who causes all the problems. She doesnt

want to follow rules and shes very adventurous.

Lora is the mother hen. Shes very serious and melodramatic sometimes. She has a craggy faceand she has a noticeable birthmark on her cheek. Its in a shape of a heart. Not exactly but withimagination, anything is possible right SpongeBob? Shes very proud of it. Shes the problematic type.Shes the type of girl that you can talk to about the problems in your life because she has that problem, too.I mean, almost anything is her problem.

Marylou with the shaggy hair is who we run to if we need advice on love and school anything butcooking and dancing. She likes being NBSB and determined to be a cute spinster. She likes bubblegum alot. Sorry, I need to add that. Shes the joker/stupid type. She likes to act stupid for our entertainment.

Anyway, I knew what was coming. If I say dare, they would ask me to do something crazy withLeandro and if I say truth, they would ask me embarrassing questions about him. I know, I know. I nevershould have joined the game but theres a one in every six possibility that I will be the dare or truth -erDont ask me, Im not very good in math.


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I chose Dare because Leandro or Drew will just take it as a dare, nothing personal. He doesntknow my feelings for him. But that evil Alana said: We dare you to tell the truth!

The four girls laughed except for Lora. Thanks Lord because someone is still nice in our group butI cant believe my ears for what I heard next, Lora was laughing really hard. It was funny to hear and our

classmates were looking at us as if were crazy. We were starting to be the center of attention in class.

They all looked interested and they formed a circle outside our circle.

Truth: Do you love Drew? asked Marylou as if she was asking me if I love chocolates.

I like hima lot, that was all I said while blushing because Drew was looking at me.

Our classmates cheered and I spun the bottle next as if nothing happened. The crowd dispersedquickly and the bottle stopped at Marylou. Before I can say anything, Penne said, Next! Marylou doesnthave a love life. Borrinnnngggg!

We all laughed but Marylou doesnt seem to be interested and we finally stopped playing. Today isFriday and Im looking forward to the weekend.

That was it. That was the beginning of an end, the end of the beginning.

I messaged him at Facebook and said sorry.

He replied and said Sorry? For what? Its not your fault.


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CHAPTER 2:

I Shuddered and Laughed

All just gotta move on. What`s the point of reminiscing w

hen you know the person is no longer worthwhile; when theyr

e no longer who they used to be? When their heart is somewher

e else? Do you think they still care for you, still sit there thinking

about you? Because frankly, they don`t.

ANONYMOUS


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I was very glad to have read that message and became thankful that he did not get angry but Irealized what love really is. It is the cruelest form of affection & the sweetest form of torture. It is a splendidthing. Love lifts up to where we belong. It's an amazing thing to love and to be loved. Love is the closestthing we have to magic.

Sometimes, all we need is love. Love. An overused word or one of life's best-kept yet sweetestmysteries. And then BAM! We became strangers. The more our classmates teased us together, the colderhe became. I wanted to know what I did wrong.

And I was like, I'm officially done with my life. It's just one of those oh-my-god-when-is-this-ever-going-to-end days. No chance of those, OHMYGODTHISISGOINGTOBETHETALKOFTHECENTURY kindof things to happen.

"I know I haven't been there for you lately because our schedules are so different. But I wanted tolet you know you're so amazing. And I'm not lying. I love you so much. And don't you ever do anythingstupid. You feel so worthless, but you're not. You're worth more than anything. Stop beating yourself up for

things you can't control. You gave it your best and that's all. You couldn't do more. I know I'm not the bestof the best. But I'm doing everything I can to be.

You're beautiful and amazing, and perfect to me in every single way. I love you more than youknow. You're worth it. You're worth it. You're honestly worth it. You think you're not. But you are. You thinkyou're not good enough for anything or anyone. But honestly, what I think is that, they're not good enoughfor you. You think you're hopeless, worthless and useless but I KNOW that you're not. I know all of thissound so clich and overused but that's the truth. I think you're amazing. Wait. I know you're amazing andyou should, too. You and me against the world?"

I read this thing from a novel and my heart ached. It was very painful and I had difficulty in

breathing. It was like; I'll give everything just to be his anything. How I wish a boy would say something likethat for me. Drew is not the type of person who will be very romantic and all. Doris is very lucky to have metErnie. Ernie is very perfect. A man every woman is waiting for. I sighed.

I thought of the things I like in life: big warm hugs... those awfully heart-stopping passionatekisses...the smell of rain...daydreaming...walking through a field of wildflowers...laughing...smiles fromanyone...particularly strangers...soft cushy pillows...anything chocolate...and lastly...being loved.

For the first time in my life, I know what it feels like to have a broken heart. I know what it's like towant to slam the door and cry for the rest of my life. I know that I have no reason to move on. Why? Wedidn't even have a relationship. I know what it's l ike to not want to talk to or see anyone ever again. I know

what it's like to hear that song & get reminded of him & just start to sob. I know what it's like to want to giveup.

Sometimes I look around in a room full of people and try to find out what they're thinking. I look atthe way their eyebrows are arched, the look they have in their eyes, the way they're sitting. And I try to readtheir mind. It's weird though, the facts that people are talking in their minds, and we can't hear them, andhow they could be wondering the exact same thing, "I wonder what everyone else is thinking?"


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I know I'm not making sense but how can I make sense after all that happened? The group tried toconsole me in any way they can, Erika invited me to mall hopping, Penne talked about make ups and all,Alana talked about beating him up, Lora talked about being heartbroken and Marylou made or crackedsome jokes over the phone. I appreciated that but Drew practically rejected me. Could it be that he loves...scratch that, likes me too? He hates me? We're relatives? I mean, all I did was confess that I liked him.

What is the reason behind that coldness?

"If you were my girlfriend, I could never ignore you, even if you said you hated me and wished Iwas dead. I'd always text you first every single day. I'd send you a message first thing every morning to tellyou I love you and make sure you slept well. I'd call you every night and talk to you until you were about tofall asleep. And I'd even text you when you're already asleep just to say I love you just in case you wake upin the middle of the night, and so you never forget how much you mean to me. I'd tell you everyday howperfect you are. I wouldn't let anyone be mean to, or even touch you.

I'd do whatever it takes to make sure you feel safe. I'd never give you a reason to be jealousbecause I'd make sure that you and everyone else knows how much I love you, and only you. Keeping you

happy would always be my first priority. If you were upset, I'd stay up all night long talking to you to makesure you're okay. If one of my friends had a problem with you or made you feel uncomfortable, I'd leavethem. I'd try my hardest to never fight with you. I'd never yell at you or hurt you.

I'd try to talk things out with you, and if that doesn't work, I'd just forget about it. You mean so muchmore to me than a stupid little fight. I'd never hurt you, and never do anything you didn't want to. I'd wrapmy arms around you and cuddle you. I'd give you soft kisses and tell you how in love with you I am and justhold you until you fell asleep.

I want to do that every night with you. I'd feel like the luckiest boy in the world to be able to hold youuntil you fell asleep. That might sound kind of creepy, but I don't mean it like that. I just want to make you

feel safe and loved. You're honestly the sweetest and most beautiful girl I've ever seen in my life."

Here I am again, reading romance pocketbooks and I wondered how Russell composed his speechin a small period of time. He never made a mistake, he never took a break, he talked and talked about nicethings and all but the truth is, Russell or shall I say the writer just wrote/told everything I wanted a boy totreat me. I want to be Nora in this story. I am here, in front of the mirror, practicing a speech I so wanted tosay to Drew and yes, imagining rejecting apologies I know will never come.

"Drew, you gave me a smile everyday and you have no idea how hard I fell for it. We talked like wewere best friends. I was falling for you a little harder every single time we were together. I always smile atyour name in my phone. And you, you just thought I'm another friend. You have NO idea what I think about

you. When I text you, I'm just another girl. When I smile at you, it's one of love. When you smile at me, it'sjust another smile. When you talked about that girl you're totally into, I sat back with a smile on my facelistening to every word. Yet, no one sees that with every word. I died a little inside," I sighed but continuedwith an 'angry' mode.

"I knew that the chance of us two being together is slim but I still have that hope. What do youhave? Do you think at least some of the thoughts that I think about you? You're in my mind all the time. Am


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I on yours? Are you willing to give me a chance with you or am I just another friend that you don't mindtalking to?

Here's one thing you should know. I'm thinking about giving up on you. No, I am giving up on you.There's surely more guys out there like you and I have just failed to see them. But the truth is, I want you. I

want you next to me for breakfast and lunch and dinner and midnight snacks. I want you with me in thestorms, rain, hurricane... I want you. I want you in the morning sleeping next to me. I want you to stay, tonever leave, to kiss me, to never stop. I want you in my arms, in my house, in my dreams, in my heart."

"Shut up," and suddenly I was instantly awake.

"What happened to you sis? You were talking out loud?" my brother asked or maybe complained. Ifhe can hear me from across the room...o.O...OMG! I'm gonna die.

"Nothing," I was dreaming but I knew I was dreaming. I was in between of being awake anddreaming. What if I dreamed of urinating? I shuddered and laughed.


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CHAPTER 3:

That Is Why I Stare At Him

It may seem as the hardest thing to

do, but you have to forget the guywho forgot about you.

The Notebook


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It was a lazy morning or I was feeling lazy that morning after crying myself to sleep. Many dayshave passed but I still feel the pain and to avoid thinking of him, I flipped on the TV and in the show, theguy was asking the girl, "Can we still be friends?"

Can anyone truly be friends again after a break up? You give a person your everything. In turn,

they learn everything about you, every significant fact. But suddenly they disappear. They aren't yoursanymore and you are somehow supposed to talk to them. There will be awkward pauses where the "I loveyou" used to go and the colorful conversations will become dull and painful. And even if years pass, you stillwon't talk normally because talking to them at all will remind you why you fell in love with them in the firstplace.

Marylou called and asked if I was okay. I wanted to say, "If you've ever been in love, you'll knowthe feeling. How you feel insane and time passes so slowly when you're not with him. How he dominatesyour thoughts and you can almost feel him with you. How when things aren't going well it drives you insane,and you can't seem to think straight. How when he's never been yours, you miss him so much, and you feelthe dull emptiness in your chest. Most of all, you'll know how he's literally everything to you, and nothing

can change that.

Instead I said, "I'm fine. I'll get over him but it's still painful so.." I let the sentence hang while theguy on TV was still begging for forgiveness. "I'll give you a hug at school later," she said and then theconversation ended. As if a hug could heal me but a memory nagged at me.

"Hugging is good medicine," our romantic science teacher said. "It transfers energy and gives theperson hugged an emotional lift. You need four hugs a day for survival, eight for maintenance, and twelvefor growth. Scientists say that hugging is a form of communication because it can say things you don't havewords for. And the nicest thing about a hug is that you usually can't give one without getting one."

I know better. I know I should not have fallen for him, I know that he is everything I've ever wanted,I completely plead guilty as charged. I know that he didn't feel the same way. I know that he just want tohave that someone. I don't know if he knows but I would be that person in a heartbeat. I know I can't letmyself be that person because I'll just get hurt. I know I need to move on. I know better. But why can't Imove on? What do you really mean by moving on anyway?

I remembered that time Erika asked me what it's like to be in love. We were so young back then. Ijust kind of copied other's description without really relating to them but now, I can suddenly relate. Drewand I never really held hands well, except when we're attending mass. I always made sure that we will sittogether for it was my chance to hold hands with him. Penne accused me of, "Chancing, you're takingadvantage of the situation and I like that! I love you for doing that."

My answer to Erika's question was, "It's kind of like, the difference between putting your hand onyour own, and him putting his hands on yours. When you touch your hand, you don't feel it, nothinghappens, it's just there. But when he has his hands there, you feel everything. Every movement of his palm,every squeeze of his hand, and every brush of his finger, and you feel it right down to your toes and up toyour neck. Everything in your body tingles, but it's the most wonderful thing ever. Every move he makes, hemakes a difference."


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Alana once asked me what I like in a guy. That made me think to myself, "I like a guy who paysattention to the smallest details. It's cute when a guy knows the little things I like, hate, and small randomfacts about me. It's nice if they don't just pay attention to the big things and actually know me. It will be asurprise to hear him when he knows something about me that I didn't even know that he knew. Get mypoint?" Alana shrugged and I just let out a sigh.

Back then, I never got the chance to explain to Alana what I liked in a boy. It's different with Alana.She's not the type who can really understand what you are saying, she'll get bored easily. That's it. But withLora, I can pour my heart out. She's more of a listener than a talker. All she does is nod. Half of the time, Idon't know if she's listening or not but she understand what I'm saying.

I always thought of him before I fall asleep. The words he said, they way he looked. The things welaughed about, the silent moments we shared. And when I dream, I'll dream of him, because it's about him,it's always about him. It's still about him I know that I'm not the prettiest, smartest, or most fun and exciting.But, I do know that no matter how hard and long he look, he'll never find somebody that loves him like I do.I'm not so sure about that. Drew is very easy to love and he's very easy to hate.

Because of him, I learned many things. We shouldn't get attached to anyone. Sure, there will comea time when everything seems so perfect - everyone's happy, the greatest memories in your life are made,you will feel important, loved, and you'll feel like the most special person on earth. You will have pointlessand playful arguments. You will laugh at the stupidest things until your stomachs hurt. Every day, you willlook forward to that time when you tell each other about anything and everything. You said you were nevergoing to be tired of each other. Every night, you would say your good nights. You know everything abouteach other. Or so you thought. You promised you'd be by each other's side forever - through thick and thin.

Then at some point, one would give up (that's me). Or at least start to drift away (him), sometimesfor a reason you're not quite sure of (I know, right?), someone will eventually start to distance himself from

the other (him). Someone will stop talking (us?). Someone will stop caring (him or I wish I will). Someonewill get sick of the other (him).

The other would suffer from sleepless nights, shed tears, and insane thoughts, thinking about thepast and the present (MEE!). Then, I started to think: "What happened? Where did I go wrong?" (I lost afriend) Know what's worse? Seeing him live like nothing happened. He is perfectly fine living without me (ofcourse). He will easily find someone new. The broken friendship resulted to my shattered self. Fromstrangers to strangers. Yet, I know that I'll always be waiting for him, because although it's like this now, I'llforever be thankful for the joy our friendship gave me. Although he might not care anymore, I will alwaysdo. I just wish that we'll get through this ignoring and avoiding drama. My classmates tease me and I justlaugh but inside, I can feel the crack of my heart breaking.

I walked past him in the hallway and we caught each other's eyes, I thought, "Who is that person?What did you do to my friend?" I smile, because when I cry it doesn't help. When I cry, all it does is makemy classmates ask if I'm okay. I would love nothing more than to punch them. I'm sitting here crying, butyes, I'm perfectly happy. I mean, come on, give me a break. Obviously I'm not okay.


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Someone once said, "Let's face it, we've changed. We've all changed. Somewhere between school

ending and school starting. We've all gone in our own directions. Hearts were broken() and friendships

were f*cked over(). New loves started (I hope so), and new people came into our lives. We no longer

hang-out with our circle of friends that we thought that was going to be there for us "forever" (what?). Weno longer talk for hours about nothing at all. We've all changed. Some for the better and some for the

worse."

Of course I will change. I will move on but the pain is still so painful. The wound is still fresh. Butwithout that game, he would still know and this would still happen but what happens, happens for a reason.

"Have you ever felt so much pain that you didn't know what to do with it? I have. We're supposed tofeel pain. We're supposed to work through pain, release it, learn from it, grow from it, and get on with ourlives. No, we're not supposed to forget it, but we're not destined to relive it either. We're not destined tosuffer forever because we've felt pain. We're not destined to live in a vacuum of fear of experiencing life," adistraught Erika once said to me when she lost her puppy but after two hours, she was given another oneand she moved on quickly. I know that she will never have a broken heart. She is just cool. I wish I have

her attitude.

I love seeing him. I loved being around him. I loved every moment we shared, when we jokearound, we tease each other and criticize other people. I really, really, really, just loved him. Take note,emphasis at LOVED.

Sometimes whenever we are in the same group of people and he laughs with this person and justlook past me, I really want to yell at him for being insensitive and stupid. He drives me insane and hurt me.Sometimes I wonder if he ever considers how it makes me feel. Sometimes I wonder if he ever notices.Sometimes I don't get him. Sometimes I don't want to talk to him. Sometimes I want to punch him in theface. Sometimes I feel like questioning his every move. I want to stay mad at him forever. But I can't. Sadly.

One of the worst feelings in the world is loneliness. Yeah, I'm sitting in the dark by myself in thewee hours of the night, gently crying. Nobody in the house knows what's going on with me. How could theyrealize what's happening? Everybody is resting peacefully in their beds waiting the new day tomorrow. Butfor me, there's no difference in the days anymore. They past monotonously. And maybe before I know it, itwill all be gone.

He is so f*cking adorable, I can't even stand it. He can make me smile more in a day than anyoneelse can in a year. Whenever he jokes in class, I can't help but laugh with my classmates and they stare atme. I mean, as in? I don't have the right to laugh with them?

I knew I was going to fall for him when I first met him, when I first saw him, I never knew that itwould get to be this serious. I never knew that I would love him this much. He's not perfect, and that'sexactly what I love about him. He has his flaws, but he was not afraid to show them. He's real, He's himself.I love him for him.

When I see him, the world, it stops and all that exists for me, is him and my eyes staring at him.There's nothing else. No noise, no other people, no thoughts or worries, no yesterday, no tomorrow. Theworld just stops and it's a beautiful place and there's only him. Just him. And my eyes staring at him. When


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he's gone, the world starts again and I don't like it as much. I can live in it, but I don't like it. I just walkaround in it, and wait to see him again and wait for it to stop again. I love it when it stops. It's the next thingI've ever known or ever felt, the best thing, and that, is why I stare at him.


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CHAPTER 4:

It Doesn't Work Like That

To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken.If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap itcarefully with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffi

n of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, and irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable."

ANONYMOUS


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I loved him. Yes, like a broken record, I can't deny the fact that I loved him. There's somethingabout someone that just draws us in and keeps us interested right? We want to hear about his day, thethings he did, what he likes, what he doesn't like, anything. We just love to listen to him talk, his voice, the

sound we love falling asleep to and waking up to. We like the way he's able to make us happy, give usbutterflies and is constantly on our mind. Usually it drives us nuts.

I don't mind. He's someone special to me. I like it. I like him. No, wait. I love him. Loved. Hmmm.Let me just express my feelings in a poem. I'm not a poet and I just copied the poem.

Do you ever get that feeling where you don't want to talk to anybody?You don't want to smile and you don't want to fake being happy.But at the same time you don't know exactly what's wrong either.

There isn't a way to explain it to someone who doesn't already understand.

If you could want anything in the world, it would be to be alone.

People have stopped being comforting and being alone never was.At least when you're alone, no one will constantly ask you what is wrongAnd there isn't anyone who won't take 'I don't know' for an answer.

You feel the way you do just because.You hope the feeling will pass soon and that you will be able to be yourself again,But until then all you can do is wait.

"Know what? It's like; Love isn't him calming you down when you yell. It's him yelling, just as loud,

just as hard, right back at you, and right in your face to wake you up and keep you grounded. It isn't himbringing you roses everyday or cute things that make your relationship appear more presentable. It's after along fight, that drains the life and bones out of both of you, and yet him showing up at your door the nextmorning anyway.

It's not him saying all the right things or knowing exactly how to handle you. It's not him caressingyour hair and telling you everything is going to be alright. You have to remember that with love, you're notthe only one involved. You've unknowingly put your life, your heart into the palms of another person'shands and said, Here. Do what you will. Mash it into mince meat, or forget I ever handed it you," someoneonce said on TV.

I don't want that kind of relationship but that's the harsh realities of life you just hefta accept it.Sometimes we have to be strong for ourselves. We have to know that we're a good person and a goodfriend. What's meant to be will end up good and what isn't, won't. Relationships are worth fighting for, butsometimes we can't be the only one fighting. At times, people need to fight for us. If they don't, we must justmove on and realize what we gave them was more than they were willing to give us. Hopefully, peoplerealize great things when they come around and don't lose something real. Always fight until we can'tanymore and then be fought for.


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There's a point in our life when we know who stays forever, and who's just around for a while.People change, but so do we. Sometimes for the best, and sometimes for the worst. Bad things happen toeveryone, we're not in it alone. People lie, and some people just don't care about how we feel. Our heart

beats, no matter how much pain we're in. Everything will be okay eventually. There are always people inour life that just make our day, no matter the miles. I know about distance, I've been dealing with it all mylife, don't tell me it's easy, because it's not. But it's worth it. I'd rather keep in touch with the people I lovethan just drop it and forget about it. You don't forget the ones you love. It doesn't work like that.


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CHAPTER 5:

What Is Not Will Never Be

"When you're dreaming with a broken heart, waking

up is the hardest part.

ANONYMOUS


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"Why him?"

They always ask me. I don't want an "I don't know who I want" answer. I mean, what's worse thanwanting something you can't have? It is not knowing what you want and you find yourself wishing on all thestars in the sky for the answers to your questions, for something to believe in; someone to hold.

Having absolutely no control over yourself, being caught up in a place you wish you were milesaway from. Being stuck somewhere between the past and the future. Stuck in yesterdays and tomorrows,so far from home, far from everything you know and love. The uncertainty could just about tear you to bits.

You should be proud of me, I gradually get over the pain. It doesn't go way, not for a long time, butit becomes easier to live with. Who knows, one morning I wake up, and he's not the first thing on my mind.And then a few months down the line, I might realize that I made it through half the day without thinking ofhim. Sometimes it takes months, sometimes years, but eventually I know I will reach a point when I will onlythink about him occasionally. I'll manage to do this because I don't see him, I don't hear about him, and I trynot to think about him. And then I bump into him walking down the street, or someone unexpected

mentions his name and the memories come flooding back. But memories become less painful in time.

I know, right? To make our story short, he heard that I love him then he became angry and we'resuddenly strangers. I don't know. "That thing, that moment, when you kiss someone and everything aroundbecomes hazy and the only thing in focus is you and this person and your realize that that person is theonly person you're supposed to kiss for the rest of your life, and for one moment you get this amazing giftand you want to laugh and you want to cry because you feel so lucky that you found it and so scared that itwill go away all at the same time."

I want that kiss so bad...mind you, I've never been kissed, never been touched. I'm really amazing,and one day, maybe very soon, I will find someone who really means the world to me and I will fall in love

with him, and he will love me to bits. He won't find anyone else like me if he could search the world foreverand ever. I will find someone who won't want to leave my side. He might not be in my life yet; he might havewalked past me today, he might have walked outside my house a few hours ago, but one day, he'll be mineand only mine forever and ever.

Hey, don't mind me. I console myself. You know, I talk to myself. I'm beautiful no matter what theysay. Uhh. Forget it! I'm stupid and ugly. Okay Alana, addition to the criteria for the guy I want, "This is whatI want. Someone I can mess around with. It doesn't have to be sweet 24/7 with me. I need someone whoknows how to laugh. At me. As well as himself. Where we make fun of each other as much as we love eachother. I won't mind because I'll know that as much as we joke around, saying that we hate one another, weonly do it because we mean that much to each other. And we know that. For some reason, that makes

everything else we do okay."

What's the point? It's futile. Sometimes, even those closest to you drift away. It could be for manyreasons, but usually because for the time being they've found someone else, someone else to confide in,someone else to spend time with, someone else to be there for them, even though you still are.Sometimes, you just have to let them go, even though it hurts you, you have to let them do what they wantto do. It may be tough but no matter how hard it gets, always stay there for them, and hopefully they'll comeback in the end. But then you realize, they never do come back. Even if they do, it will never be like it was.


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No matter how hard you try, it won't feel the same. They just don't care like they used to, no matterhow much you care or love them. They just won't. I love my friends but because of that stupid person, Idon't really spend time with them. I'm just here, on the bed. Lying and daydreaming of things that can'treally happen in real life.

Drew was saying, "Sorry Nat."

I was saying, "It's ok Lean-"

Wait! What was that? Obviously, it's me daydreaming. At some point you will realize that you havedone too much for someone, that the only next possible step to do is to stop. Leave them alone. Walkaway. It's called giving up. It's just that you have to draw the line of determination from desperation. What istruly yours would eventually be yours, and what is not, no matter how hard you try, will never be.


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CHAPTER 6:I Just Wish I Had A Different Life

You know what sucks?

Not knowing how someone feels about you? Why? Because youre constantly

worrying, constantly wondering about all the "signs" the person gives you.

This is why if you do happen to like someone, or feel something with

someone then you should just tell them straight up. No mixed feelings. No

keeping it all inside. Just tell them. No one likes being left alone wondering.

ANONYMOUS
http://monstershavefeelingstoo.blogspot.com/2011/12/you-know-what-sucks.htmlhttp://monstershavefeelingstoo.blogspot.com/2011/12/you-know-what-sucks.htmlhttp://monstershavefeelingstoo.blogspot.com/2011/12/you-know-what-sucks.html


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Well, I wish that he can love me. I wish that he needed me. I wish that without me his heart wouldbreak. I wish that without me he'd be spending the rest of his nights awake. I wish that without me, hecouldn't eat. I wish I am the last thing on his mind before he goes to sleep.

I wish!

I wish...

I wish I could put all my thoughts in a jar. I think too much. Thinking too many causes me to over-think and analyze things I don't want to deal with. It gets too much for me to handle and I panic. I shutmyself down and go to war with myself.

I'm tired. I'm sick. I'm tired of being sick. I'm sick of being tired. I'm sick of feeling sad. Sick ofwanting things and people I can't have. I don't like who I am, but I have to live with it. I don't know what I'mdoing. I want to be at peace with myself for once. To be happy and think about things that doesn't send meover the edge.

It's hopeless, it seems like when you want someone, and they don't want you. And when someonewants you, you don't want them. And when you both want each other, something has to come around andmess it up.

Right now, at this very moment, all I want to do is sit across from him and talk about life and whenwe run out of topics, we could just hold hands because that would be enough. But he's not here and wecan't talk face to face because 'miles' separate us.

Well, I can look at pictures from before, but I can't wrap my arms around a moment in time. So I sitand think of what I will do or say when I finally talk to him again. All I really want to do is uhm...enjoy each

other's company and maybe watch a movie or two about falling in love and growing old together. Andmaybe he and I could fall in love and grow old together, too and I want to take a lifetime to memorize hisface.

I'm still not over him, I remember the first time he texted me and he said, "Heyy."

OH MY GOD. He just texted me. I wonder what he wants. Maybe he just wants to talk. Maybe he'smad at me, I mean all he said was hey, and I should just answer him. I don't want to keep himwaitingWell, maybe I'll wait another 3 minutes so he thinks I'm busy. No, that's too obvious. Could thismean he's into me? Or is he just bored?

Either way is fine, I mean I don't care if he likes me back. Who said that I even like him? I'm justgonna text him back now. Should I reply hi or hey? Or hey with three y's? No that's stupid. 2 y's works. Hewon't know if I did it on purpose or if it was just accidental. Okay. I got this. Breathe in; breathe out.

Me[text]: Heyy.


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And he didn't reply. I waited for him you know! I wish it was easy for me to trust people. No one cankeep your secrets nowadays. People you thought were there for you, turn out to be selfish b*tches that findout something one second, and blurt it out the next. I wish. That one day I'll find someone to love me forme. Not my looks. I would much rather be called beautiful that "hot" or" sexy". I learned that the nice guysare either gay or just not looking for a relationship right at the same time I am. But nope, I am left with all

the f*cking pimps and players. Like seriously? I wish my life isn't so crazy. In short, I just wish I had adifferent life.


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CHAPTER 7:

Ms. NBSB Spinster!

We all get torn up, don't we? We all get torn up because someone who means so much to us canjust stand up and leave. They can just walk out of our lives without even c aring.

To realize that you didn't mean that much to them as they did to you. But what people fail to see ifpeople leave for a reason, they don't just leave for the fun of it, or for no reason. I know how much it

hurts; I've been through that countless times. But would you like someone to lead you on? Wouldyou want to date someone that you didn't feel the same for anymore? No you wouldn't. Just be

grateful that something did happen, look back and realize how lucky you were to even share

something that special with someone.

ANONYMOUS

The poem of have you ever I tried to do to waste my time:

Have you ever just laid on the grass & gaze up at the stars above? (Not a good idea, You'll get pneumonia)Have you ever danced out whatever came to mind - just for the fun of it? (I cheated, I put WINAMP onshuffle)Maybe you've stretched your arms out and reached out for anything - anything at all. (My arms are tooshort)Or you closed your eyes, took a deep breath and hoped to God he's listening; (Nothing happened)Praying that it won't hurt anymore? (It won't hurt anymore, I promise!)

Have you ever given up on something - like a picture you just can't draw; (Many times)Or a song you can't seem to find? (I don't know the title and lyrics are 'humming' of the tune)You've probably sat in your room - or on the top of the stairs (We don't have stairs at home)Crying your eyes out; wishing the world could just stop for a moment (Boohoo. Many times)So you could inhale everything that's changed. (?? Sure, sure)

Maybe you changed and don't know how to be the little girl you used to be; (Maybe?)The one who was careless and free. (That's meee!)


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Could it be that you're holding on tightly to the memories you have (Yes! Are you reading my mind?)- Every single one of them - (Omgosh!)'cause they're all that's left to remind you of the time you used to be happy. (Happy?)

Or maybe, somewhere deep, deep down, (What?)

You've been broken to the core, crushed and kicked, (I'm not a can but you can put it that way, I guess)Until it feels like your heart doesn't beat anymore? (Yes!)You've been broken and you just don't want to admit it because that'll make you weak. (I do!)

Have you ever wanted to run through field chasing butterflies? (My ambition?)Or maybe, you've simply lost all hope in all that ever mattered, (Sometimes,)Because suddenly, the world seems like a (A...?)Bad place with bad people and bad choices. (Who's bad? Lol)You've lost hope and only want to turn back time; (Hell yeah!)To that one moment where everything seemed perfect; (True, true)When you seemed unbreakable. (Yeah! Still am!)

FORGET

Forget his walk, forget the way he talksForget the walk he used to talk

Forget the love that you once knewRemember now, there's someone new

Forget the fun that you once sharedForget the fact that he once caredForget the time he spent togetherRemember now, he's gone forever

Forget you memorized his every partForget how he held your heart

Forget the things he used to sayRemember now, he's gone away

Forget the times he used to phoneForget the nights you were all aloneForget the times you wore his ringRemember now, she's everything

Forget the thrills when he walked byForget the times he made you cryForget the way he said your name

Remember now, things aren't the same

Forget the time you looked into his eyesForget the bitterness and lies

Forget you died when he said goodbye


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Remember now, forget this guy

Forget... blah blah, this is the e-mail Marylou sent me. Easy for you to say, Ms. NBSB spinster!


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CHAPTER 8:

How Is That?

WE ALL HAVE BEEN HURT. We have, we have all been there. Some end up more hurt than others, b

ut we have all been hurt by the person that we loved or liked so dearly or still love till this day. We can spe

nd so much time on a person; we may have to wait for them. Sharing so many memories with them, sharing

secrets, staying up and having late night conversations. Having deep and meaningful conversations, even if

youre not together with the person you want to be with or still havent been with them, they still give you

these wonderful memories to remember them by, until it turns around and bites you in the ass.

ANONYMOUS


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The gang came to our house to 'Cheer me up.'

"Get over him. He's not even worth it. He's not worth your time or your tears. Yeah you loved him,

we know that. And we know you just can't see yourself with anyone other than him, we get that but whyshould you spend all your time sitting at home, bawling your eyes out and wondering where he is and whohe is with. Do you honestly think he's thinking about you? No. Sure it hurts, the fact that he is out therepossibly falling in and out of love with other girls," Erika said.

"Yeah you're gonna see him with one of his new girlfriends. Prepare yourself, cause straight up, it'sgonna hurt. He will hold her a little closer and squeeze her hand a little tighter just because he knows you'rewatching. He knows it's killing you, that's why he will do it. Don't let him get to you because that, well that'sexactly what he wants. Don't give him what he wants. He doesn't even deserve it. So what if he doesn't talkto you? Do you honestly wanna be friends with an a*shole like him anyways? Thing is, we know you stilldo. But give it time. Because all he would do is talk about his new girlfriend and just try and make you

jealous," Alana countered.

"Wait- he's not even in love with me, make me jealous?" I was really bewildered. What is this?

"He will be sorry. Trust me. When he finally sees you with some other guy who's not him. With thathuge grin on your face and your boyfriend holding you close, he will realize how happy you are. And howhappy your boyfriend is because he has you; the girl of his dreams. He will realize the huge mistake hemade when he let you go, when he decided to choose her over you. When he decided he just did not loveyou the same. Trust me, he will be sorry. And don't you sit there thinking he won't be sorry, I know you are.But I guarantee you now; he will be sorry," Marylou added.

"What are you talking about?"

"So don't go spending your nights waiting for that one phone call you know you're never gonna get.Or that IM you know he will never send you simply because he likes to ignore you. He likes to pretend hedoes not see you online; he does it out of spite just because he knows it's killing you. When he walks pastyou in the hallways, he is gonna look past you. I'm not gonna lie to you. It will hurt. It'll hurt a lot," Pennefinished.

"I'm not! Gosh!" What is wrong with them? But it hurts. Truth hurts but I'm just so irrational. I knowthat I should accept the fact that it's gonna hurt hearing the details.

"But it will hurt even more when you see her name and how much he loves her in his profile. It's allgonna hurt. Knowing you're not the girl that's making him smile. Knowing you won't be spending everysingle moment possible with him. Knowing there's not gonna be no more late night phone calls arguingabout who loves who the most," Lora ended.

"Ridiculous! We didn't even become bf and gf's" I complained. Are they insulting me? T___T


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"And you know what? Today, tomorrow, next week, months from now; your phone will go off with atext message, you will instantly grab your phone hoping it's him saying he wants to give your relationshipanother shot. But trust me he's got too much pride. Even if he wanted to be friends with you, he wouldn't tellyou. You're soon gonna realize he doesn't care about you anymore and he won't be the first person you callwhen you're upset. He won't be the one to put that smile back on your face. And yeah, it's gonna hurt; it's

gonna hurt a lot," They practically said together. Speech Choir?

"But you know what you're gonna do? You're gonna hold your head up. You're gonna show himyou're better than him and you don't need him in your life. You're gonna prove to him that he made thebiggest mistake of his life by letting you go and that you never really needed him anyway," They all said inunison.

"What are you guys doing?" I noticed them rubbing their hands with alcohol. I approached themand saw texts on their palms. The poor idiots tried to memorize that ridiculous "It's gonna hurt" thingy theymust've got online. I love my friends. I embraced them.

"Oh, you guys! You need not do that. Thanks anyway," I said with a teary eyes. Obviously, theycouldn't find anything that applies to me. I can't call it moving on because it's different than giving up.MOVING ON IS DIFFERENT FROM GIVING UP.

It's strange, falling in love.

It happens in a gradual sort of way, in an almost unnoticeable fashion. One day, you just startlooking at a person differently, through new eyes. You notice quirks you didn't see before. Your moodimproves when he enters the room. You catch yourself smiling at little, mundane things he does that nevercaptured your attention before. You heart beat changes depending on how close he is to you. You findyourself thinking about him far too much. And eventually, a cataclysm occurs and suddenly you realize all

these things and before you know it, you're hopelessly in love and you don't know what to do with yourself.

A guy out there is meant to be the love of your life, your best friend, your soul mate, the one youcan tell your dreams to. He'll brush the hair out of your eyes. Send you flowers when you least expect it.He'll stare at you during the movies, even though he spent something to see it. He'll call to say goodnight orjust because he is missing you. He'll look in your eyes and tell you, you're the most beautiful girl in theworld. And for the first time in your life you'll believe it.

"I love that he knows me. I love his facial expressions. I love the way he says my name. I love theway he wants to tell me things. I love his smile. I love his laugh. I love that we have the same sense ofhumor. I love that we're on the same wavelength. I love how he leaves me messages to wake up to and

send me goodnight messages before he sleeps. I love the friendly flirting. I love our conversations. I lovethat he leaves me unexpected "I love you" messages.

I love that he cares. I love that he is never awkward around me. I love how he smells and how itlingers on my clothes. I love his hugs and how they're warm and safe. I love that he makes me a happierand better person. I love that he lets me rest on his shoulders. I love how I can tell him secrets and dirtyjokes. I love the cheesy nicknames he call me. I love how he loves his little brother. I love how he pinkypromises me. I love the way his eyes light up when he laughs.


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CHAPTER 9:

You Have No Place To Judge Anyone Who Does

The exact moment you stop lying to yourself and

realize you loved him from the second you saw him.

There'll be no going backwards, and there'll be no

room to go forward.

ANONYMOUS


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15 WAYS TO KEEP RELATIONSHIP WORKING

1. LOVE EACH OTHER

2. DON'T LIE

3. KEEP COMMUNICATION OPEN

4. WHEN YOU GET HURT, JUST FORGIVE AND FORGET

5. NEVER TALK ABOUT BREAK-UPS

6. NEVER SAY IT'S OKAY WHEN IT'S NOT

7. FORGET ABOUT "PRIDE"

8. IF YOU SAY SORRY, MEAN IT

9. DON'T COMPARE YOUR PAST WITH YOUR PRESENT

10. DONT TALK ABOUT YOUR STUPID EX'S

11. STAY SWEET

12. GIVE AND TAKE PROCESS

13. BEWARE OF HIS/HER FEELINGS

14. WHEN YOU HAVE A FIGHT, DON'T LET THE DAY PASS

15. DONT BE THE PERFECT ONE, BE THE RIGHT ONE

I mean, these are the things that I will keep in mind. IF EVER, I have a boyfriend. My mom said,"No boyfriends until you reach 19."

What? I'm a teenager. I can take care of myself!

"Being a teenager is vastly overrated. We all make mistakes, we are stubborn and we couldn't givetwo shits what our parents think. We hate school, we cause sh*t, we fight, we love, we cry, we give up on


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believing in a higher power. We're all f*cked up and that's the truth, we all come from dysfunctional families,because no family is perfect; We say things we don't mean, we yell, we scream, we get broken hearts, weget drunk, Grades don't mean a thing anymore, we live on quotes and music that describe our lives andmost importantly we are tired. We are tired of waking up each morning and having to go to school wherewe see the people we hate or the people we love, we get tired of waiting for the text message that's not

going to come and we get tired of pretending we're fine."

It's hard to be a teenager.

"If you're going to love me, love only me. If you decide to break my heart, break it all. If you're goingto hug me, hug me like you mean it. If you're going to care for me, care for me all the time. If you decide notto hold me, let me fall. If you're going to stay, stay forever. If you're going to leave, leave now. If you'regoing to change, change for the better. And if we're going to talk, please mean what you say," Oh, Sandy,don't expect Kent to mean EVERYTHING that he says. Don't expect life to be fair.

This is life. People will screw you over. You'll fight with your family. You'll witness things that will

change you forever. You'll blame new lovers for things old lovers did. You'll lose best friends you thoughtwould always be there. You'll come to realize that everyone has a past. You'll cry. You'll laugh and you'llembarrass yourself. But then, you'll find your very own moment where none of that matters; where you cansit back and realize that sh*t happens to the people who can handle it and this is who you are. And that noone should want to change you. Including yourself.

"Let's get a fact straight. People are going to hate. People are going to go around and talk all theshit they can behind our backs. People are going to look at me and ask you "Eww, why the f*ck her?"People are going to look at you and tell me, "Honey, you can do way better." There's going to be jealouspeople out there who are going to try and manipulate us. Turn us against each other. Spread rumors.Whisper lies back and forth through our ears. Put us through hell until we want to give up. Claim to have

seen all the things you would never believe.

There are people out there who are going to want you more than anything, that they might stop atnothing to have you. They might try to steal you away, treat me like sh*t until I give you up, talk sh*t to myface, and give me a well detailed list to why they're way better for you than I am. Talking about how theycould treat you better and love you "right".

Guys are going to try and get at me in front of your face. Flirt with me to piss you off. Go behindyour back and try to win me over. Telling me things you're doing wrong and how they wouldn't make thosemistakes. The world is going to throw obstacles left and right at us. Going to sum up problematic situationsand present them catastrophically in our faces. Put time and distance in between us. Test us physically,

emotionally and mentally.

But let me tell you something, let them try. Saying yes wasn't just about accepting to be yours. No,it was about accepting the problems to come along. Accepting the vulnerability between me and you.Accepting the fights that might one day come. Accepting the attitude of the people around us. So know thatI accept. And if you're down for me, I'm always gonna be down for you. Because it's going to be you andme against the world," the speech I practice if ever I will say YES.


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Many boys become interested in me but I don't give them a second glance. It's going to be him andher against the world...oh dear, before I have to say bye to Drew, I wanted to share many things becausemy heart might burst if I don't get it out.

Ideally, it would be a straight path forward--we'd always know where we were going, we'd always

be able to move on and leave everything else behind. There would be nothing but the present and thefuture. Instead, we always find ourselves where we started. When we try to move ahead, we end up takinga step back. We carry everything with us, the weight is exhausting us until we want to collapse and give up.We forget things we try to remember. We remember things we'd rather forget. The most frightening thingabout memory is that it leaves no choice. It has mastered an incomprehensible art of forgetting. It erases, itsmudges, and it fills in blank spaces with details that don't exist.

But however we remember it--or choose to remember it--the past is the foundation that holds ourlives in place. Without its support, we'd have nothing for guidance. We spend so much time focused onwhat lies ahead, when what has fallen behind is just as important. What defines us isn't where we're going,but where we've been. Although there are places and people we will never see again, and although we

move on and let them go, they remain a part of who we are.

There are things that will never change, things we will carry along with us always. But as weventure into the murky future, we must find our strength by learning to leave things behind. Maybe they areright. Maybe I did get my hopes up too high.

Maybe I was in over my head. Maybe I am the stupid one for ever thinking that he liked me, butmaybe, just maybe, I am tired of being alone. Because sometimes, people actually do feel that way.Sometimes your life feels like it's caving in on you.

Sometimes people really do feel like they don't want to exist, like they want to just curl up in a ball,

and go into that place between life and death. Saying "I don't want to exist" isn't saying "I want to go die."It's saying "I wish that, for the time being, I could go somewhere and not have to feel". I don't think there'sanything wrong with that. And if you don't know how it feels to feel this way, then you have no place tojudge anyone who does.


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CHAPTER 10:

And Never Will Be

You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks, even months over analyzing

a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifyingwhat could

ve, shouldve, and wouldve happened. Or you can just leave the pieces on the

floor and move the f*ck on.

-TUPAC


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I really wonder why people suddenly change after they get what they wanted. One day they aresweet, the next day they are not. One day they are here, the next day they are not. One day you areimportant to them, the next day you are worthless. One day they say they love you, the next day they don't

care about you. That's how ironic things and people can be. Pretty sh*ts, pretty lies, pretty f*cked up. Butit's still your choice. Because you choose to get HURT, when you choose to be IN LOVE.

It's amazing how at one point in our lives we will be extremely close with someone and then laterthey will become a complete stranger. You will pass by them without a word. Without a singleacknowledging look. This person, who once knew you so well, who once knew your fears, your desires,your dreams, your past, is now walking right past you. Seeing right through you. You never really move on.

They come into the back of your mind. That person will always be there. You cannot simply forgetabout the feelings you had with that person. They might anger you, they might make you frustrated, andthey might make you sad. You might even end up having them. But there's a reason why you fell in love

with them the first time. You never forget them. They might cross your mind from time to time. You'll neverfall in love the same way. But, you will fall in love again.

To say he destroyed me is an understatement. Never in my life was I more broken and hurt andvulnerable as that day. I would've given him the world, all he had to do was ask. I was a fool to fall for him;He was a waste of a big chunk of my life. He filled my head with all these illusions and lies. I miss him. Ilove him. I'm over him. I hate him. I can't exactly describe my feelings for him, it's literally impossible. Whyis he incapable of being my friend? I'm the one who got hurt and I tried everything and anything to be hisfriend afterwards, while he threw it all back in my face with some of the harshest words that have ever beensaid to me.

He was a major part of my life; of course I'll miss him; it's perfectly normal. It's like getting a toothpulled out; after the dentist pulls it, you're relieved. But how many times do I run my tongue over the spotwhere it once was? Probably a hundred times a day. Just because it was hurting me, doesn't mean I don'tnotice it. It leaves a gap, and sometimes I see myself missing it terribly. It's going to take a while, but italways takes some time. Should I have kept the tooth? No, because it was causing me pain. Pulling thetooth was the right decision, but it's still going to hurt.

First loves...that's exactly what they are...those are the ones that introduced us to everything, madeus love them, loved us back, and also broke our heart. But no matter how hurt we are, we'll always lovethem. Always...they'll stay with us forever. And not only will we not notice it, but deep down we will compareevery other guy to him. And none of them will live up...because he was your first love. Then after months of

letting go...when we finally think we are okay with letting them go, he'll call...or we'll hear "your" song...orwe'll see him at a place that was important to both of you...or see a movie...or something that reminds us ofhow much he meant to us and how much we really loved them and realize we're not completely over themand never will be.


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The EndThis is the author. Right now, I can proudly say that myfriend already moved on. Thanks for reading and appreciating.

T h a t s a l l . T h e r e s a b o o k 2 . P l e a s e c h e c k i t o u t a t : w w w . w a t t p a d . c o m / u s e r / x x k a t h y x x ^ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ ^ v

Thanks to all the sites that served as the source of quotes. Broken hearts never mend and fools never move on! Than

ks.

he broke my heart but i still love him with all the little pieces

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