haunting the james

7/31/2019 Haunting the James

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Haunting the James' by Bridgette Burton

Haunting the James'

By Bridgette Burton

The Psychiatrist

The Ghost, Kevin

A psychiatrists couch is in the stage. The psychiatrist sits next to it writing some notes. Next to him

is a table with a phone on it. Suddenly the lights start to flicker and a low moaning comes from off

stage. The psychiatrist looks up briefly and then back to his notes. Kevin enters, he is very pale with

dark circles under his eyes, he is a ghost.

Kevin : (Scarily ) Ooooooooooooooooh!

He poses dramatically, as if trying to frighten the psychiatrist.

Psychiatrist: Take a seat Kevin

Kevin stalks to the couch and then plonks himself in it. He sighs.

Psychiatrist: How was your week?

Kevin: Awful

Psychiatrist: Did you try the techniques I gave you.

Kevin: Yes.

Psychiatrist: Did they help?

Kevin: No.Psychiatrist: Did you try the relaxation exercises?

Kevin: Yes

Psychiatrist: Hmm. What about working on your attitude?

Kevin: I can't work on being more positive. I'm a ghost, I'm not positive, I'm

tortured. That's the point.


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Psychiatrist: That doesn't mean that you can't be positive about being tortured. I

think it would give you more energy for your work.

Kevin: I have energy for my work! I have haunted celebrities, I have haunted

royalty! I love what I do! The thrill of the set-up the planning and deliberation,

matching the victim to the fright. I take pride in my work! I put the care in scare. It's

on my card!

He hands his card to the Psychiatrist:.

Psychiatrist: I have one Kevin, thank you. I take it that Mr and Mrs James are still

not scared?

Kevin: No! They are still not scared!!! Oh! I'd have a headache if I could.

Psychiatrist: Do you think that you place too much pressure on yourself?

Kevin: Oh, I don't know. I've never had these sorts of problems before. I've never felt

any pressure to perform. My first haunting was confident, powerful, I was given a

perfect score. I drove both of the victims completely mad, they spent the rest of their

years with their underpants on their heads. It was beautiful.

Psychiatrist: So what happened this week?

Kevin: Can we talk about my childhood instead?

Psychiatrist: You are having serious problems at work and I think that the

underlying reasons will become obvious to us if we examine what's happening in thehere and now.

Kevin: This week I set up a state of the art Kevin special. The 3.02 to Hell. It's

classic and timeless. It involves stopping all the clocks in the house at 3.02 precisely,

opening and shutting all the doors over and over. It's very refined.

Psychiatrist: Sounds a bit subtle.


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Kevin: It's not subtle. The doors bang!

Psychiatrist: So do you wake them up at 3.02?

Kevin: You wake them with the banging doors.

Psychiatrist: So they just notice the clocks.

Kevin: I'm not finished! You do this every night for one week. That way they start to

notice it, and it gets creepier and creepier and then they expect it, then the

anticipation kills them.

Psychiatrist: Were they scared?

Kevin: The first night, they got a fright when the doors all opened and slammed. But

they went back to sleep. But that was ok. Because this is a slow burn scare.

Psychiatrist: Didn't they notice the clocks in the morning?

Kevin: They thought it was a power outage. So the next night at 3.02 the doors start

slamming and straight away they have an argument!

Psychiatrist: What about?

Kevin: She blames him for leaving a window open! He says that he didn't open a

window and that she's the one that likes to have the house below freezing every

night, and if anyone left a window open it was her. She storms out of the room to the

bathroom and he buries himself in the covers. I slam a few more doors and she tells

him to stop being childish and he tells her to shut-up! She comes back to bed at 4,notices that the clocks have stopped and throws the bedside clock out the window.

Psychiatrist: So they missed the point.

Kevin: Yes, they missed the whole thing. So I did it again the next night and she sat

up in bed and told him to check the house. He refused! They started to argue about a

party that they'd been to that night, which had nothing to do with the slamming


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doors! So I tipped her clock off the nightstand just to draw their attention to it, AND

HE BLAMES HER! She wasn't anywhere near it and he blames her. The next night

and the following 3 they didn't wake because they both put earplugs in and took

sleeping pills.

Psychiatrist: Are you really trying? Perhaps you don't want to scare them?

Kevin: Are you joking! Of course I want to scare them! I can't stand them,

screaming at each other, silent meals, half of the time they are never home.

Psychiatrist: They aren't happy.

Kevin: They aren't scared.

Psychiatrist: Exactly .

Kevin: What ?

Psychiatrist: Kevin, you have a serious challenge on your hands. Last week you

tried freezing all the bodies of water in the house and Mr James made jokes about his

wife's Mother having visited. What I had only suspected, now seems to be a

certainty, they are having marriage problems. They are too caught up in their own

misery to be scared by you.

Kevin: So what should I do? Up the ante?

Psychiatrist: I'm not sure that upping the ante would help you scare the James'.

Kevin: So what do I do? Just wait in the house until they die? Doomed to listen totwo people argue for 60 years. I'll just hang around, rattling a few chains and

stopping clocks until they finally become ghosts and I can take them to council.

Psychiatrist: Council?

Kevin: Deceased and Departed Council.

Psychiatrist: You told me something quite revealing about Mrs James a few weeks


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ago. Something that I think is important.

Kevin: Yes?

Psychiatrist: You said that you manifested as a small Asian boy and meowed like a

cat.

Kevin: It was something I saw in a film. A bit derivative, but you know, hard times

call for...

Psychiatrist: Yes, yes. I'm not judging your methods, I'm sure it was chilling.

Kevin: Unnerving.

Psychiatrist: Indeed. You said that you appeared in a cupboard in front of Mrs

James. But that it didn't go as planned

Kevin: Ugh! She saw me, and then grabbed me and hugged me. I was meowing at

her like a cat on heat and she was asking me if I wanted cookies and patting my head.

I eventually escaped out the front door, but not before she had given me a packed

lunch to take with me.

Psychiatrist: They have no children?

Kevin: No, thank god, I can't stand children. Creepy.

Psychiatrist: I think that Mrs James wants a child and this is making her unhappy.

Kevin: And?

Psychiatrist: And I think that should Mrs James become pregnant she would bemore amiable toward Mr James.

Kevin: So how does all of this help me?

Psychiatrist: You must encourage them to be amorous with each other.

Kevin: Are you mad? If I can't get them to clutch at each other in terror, I can't see

how I can get them to embrace with any sort of sexual fervour. Besides which the


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mere idea is disgusting. Flesh. Ugh.

The psychiatrist looks at his notes.

Psychiatrist: ( Reading ) I made the banisters of the stairwell come alive and

undulate. Mrs James continued to polish the banister whilst talking to her mother on

the phone. She did not noti ce. So it's 60 more years of that then?

Kevin: Even, EVEN, if I did agree with this ridiculous idea there is no way to get

those two sleeping together.

Psychiatrist: Not without some intervention from you.

Kevin: ( hopefully ) Dead body in the bath?

Psychiatrist: Flowers.

Kevin: With no heads?

Psychiatrist: With stems and heads Kevin. In the bedroom.

Kevin: She'll see right through that.

Psychiatrist: What wouldn't she see through?

Kevin : It would have to be subtle and clever.

Psychiatrist: Aren't you the ghost for that then?

Kevin: Well I am known for my attention to detail and fine craftmanship. Hmm. It

would have to be done carefully and slowly. I'd have to start with some small act of

kindness. Perhaps he could bring some dinner home for them, that would definitelyrequire a body possession, but it might be worth it. GOD THIS ISN'T RIGHT!

Psychiatrist: What, Kevin? You are helping yourself.

Kevin: No, I'm HELPING them! I'm meant to be getting their underpants on their

heads, not on the floor.

Psychiatrist: Kevin, big picture. Underpants on the floor, will lead to underpants on


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the head. This is a small step to their eventual madness. And think of what they'll say

at your dead people council.

Kevin: Deceased and Departed Council. What do you mean?

Psychiatrist: Kevin is the kind of ghost that goes to any length.

Kevin: Go on...

Psychiatrist: Kevin is an architect of fear, he builds slowly and carefully and always

gets his scare.

Kevin: That's true.

Psychiatrist: You will cement your legend.

Kevin: Not that that sort of thing is important to me.

Psychiatrist: No, of course not, it's doing a thorough job that's important.

Kevin: Exactly.

Psychiatrist: These people need your help Kevin.

Kevin: And once I've helped them I can frighten them and their offspring to death!

Psychiatrist: That's the spirit. Um, well you know what I mean.

Kevin: I can't wait till she's pregnant. I'm going to hit them with Kevin's patented

growing stain, strange smell, scratching in the attic special. Basically you.. well it's

pretty self explanatory really.

Psychiatrist: Excellent . Stay positive. Ah, negative. So next Monday.Kevin: Yes, Monday's good.

Psychiatrist: Ok, so I'd like to see a kiss exchanged this week. Work on that.

Kevin: Yes, good. A Goal.

Psychiatrist: You are making real progress Kevin, I'm very pleased.

Kevin: Can I do a scary exit?


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Psychiatrist: By all means.

Kevin moans, rolls his eyes etc etc. Then starts to walk out.

Psychiatrist: Don't forget your affirmations.

Kevin: I am frightening and humans find me horrific. Thanks Doc.

haunting the james

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