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Harry Hamlet

A Comic adaption of the play “Hamlet the

Prince of Denmark” by William Shakespeare

A script by Neil Gibbs

June 2011

Version 5.0

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Harry Hamlet

Dramatic Personnel (AKA the Characters)

Grave Digger 1: Leia B

Grave Digger 2: Sophie

Hamlet: Rob

Horatio, friend to Hamlet: Emily H

Polonius: Alex

Laertes, son of Polonius: Ethan

Ophelia, daughter to Polonius: Evie

Ghost of Hamlets father: James G

King (Hamlet’s Uncle): Christopher G.

Queen (Hamlets mum): Kat S

Marcellus, Soldier: Lizzie

Barnardo, soldier: Hiro

Francisco, soldier/Actor 1: Charlotte

Voltemand/Actor 4: Nicky D

Cornelius/Actor 3: Jasmine S

Osric/Actor 2: Taiga

Rosencrantz: Dan Li

Guildenstern: Chris L

Actor 5: Laurie

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Act One Scene one

Two Gravediggers enter and start to dig a grave, they soon

become bored.

Gravedigger 1: Who goes there?

Gravedigger 2: Who goes where?

Gravedigger 1: Over there?

Gravedigger 2: Where?

Gravedigger 1: Look over there by the stone gate

Gravedigger 2: What there’s a gate made of stone?

Gravedigger 1: Alright! Not actually made of stone but

the post is made of stone!

Gravedigger 2: Why didn’t you just say by the post?

Gravedigger 1: Look just stop it, OK it’s not funny!

There is no one to impress, I thought I

saw something but you have more than

slightly ruined the moment!

(The ghost of Hamlets father walks past, unnoticed by the

Gravediggers)

Gravedigger 2: Sorry!

Gravedigger 1: Don’t!

Gravedigger 2: no I really am…

Gravedigger 1: Look, just get on with this infernal

digging!

Gravedigger 2: Cor! You’re grumpy tonight! Argh, what

was that?

Gravedigger 1: What? Have you seen a ghost?

Gravedigger 2: Ah! So it was a Ghost you thought you

saw?

Gravedigger 1: Yes I most certainly did! And not just

any ghost but the ghost of the late King!

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Gravedigger 2: Oh come on, Kings and Queens don’t go

roaming around old graveyards? They roam

Palaces and old Pub’s. It was more likely

to have been that old beggar who was hung

last week for whistling on a Tuesday!

Gravedigger 1: Don’t know, could have sworn it was him

though! Look be quiet and let’s get this

job over and done with. Graveyards are

really creepy at night!

Gravedigger 2: That’s put me off now! Can’t we find

something to take this off our minds?

Gravedigger 1: Like what?

Gravedigger 2: You could tell me a story?

Gravedigger 1: How old are you?

Gravedigger 2: I am not answering that! You don’t just

ask someone how old they are, it’s really

rude

Gravedigger 1: I am not telling you a story! (Pause) I

told you one last night, what was it

again?

Gravedigger 2: The King and I?

Gravedigger 1: No I don’t do musicals!

Gravedigger 2: The Lion King?

Gravedigger 1: Yeah that was it! (Pause)Nope I am not

telling that one again

Gravedigger 2: Please, it was great! (irritates the other

gravedigger)

Gravedigger 1: Alright, alright, go on then, but I’ll

tell you a different tale cuz I told you

the Lion King last week as well!

Gravedigger 2: Oh cool!

Gravedigger 1: Well I need some help, I need two soldiers

(Two Soldiers walk on Barnardo and Francisco)

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Gravedigger 2: Those two do?

Gravedigger 1: Certainly will, right, here goes. Once

upon a time here in our very own Denmark

on a very cold night, bit colder, stood

two soldiers on duty...

Barnardo: Who goes there?

Francisco: Nay answer me, stand and unfold yourself

Barnardo: Long live the King

Gravedigger 2: Unfold yourself? What are they goin’ on

about?

Gravedigger 1: Shh!

Francisco: Barnardo? My, it is cold tonight, have

you been busy?

Barnardo: Not a mouse stirring

Francisco: Then let me take your place for you, as

you have your duty tomorrow

Barnardo: You’re not supposed to be here until 6am

Francisco: Oh you’re joking? I hate shift work, who

put the last rota up? Honestly no one

told me

Barnardo: Didn’t Marco tell you? His kid has a

dentist appointment so he needs tomorrow

off

Francisco: Typical!

Barnardo: Look if you see Marcellus don’t let him

know I told you! You know he is in

competition with my watch!

Gravedigger 2: I’m getting bored, this isn’t as good as

the Lion King

Gravedigger 1: Alright I have to set the scene, here

comes another, here’s Horatio and

Marcellus.

(Enter Horatio and Marcellus)

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Barnardo: Welcome Horatio, welcome good Marcellus!

Horatio: Good Morrow soldiers

Francisco: Good morrow Horatio!

Barnardo: Hi Horatio how goes you?

Marcellus: Oh hi Marcellus, nice to see you!

Francisco: How goes thee Marcellus?

Marcellus: Whatever!

Barnardo: We haven’t seen him yet!

Francisco: Who?

Marcellus: Awkward!

Barnardo: Look mate get home and have some rest!

Francisco: Great, now I can see why I wasn’t invited

to the card game at Christmas!

(Exit Francisco)

Barnardo: I have seen nothing!

Horatio: It is nearly one am he will be here at any

time now

(Enter the Ghost of Hamlets father)

Marcellus: My goodness it’s a ghost!

Ghost: My ear is so sore

Horatio: You were the King weren’t you?

Ghost: Yes

Marcellus: He is does not speak, stupid ghost.

Horatio: Uhm what do you say to a ghost?

(The Ghost walks off)

Barnardo: Was that the King?

Horatio: Who dya think it was Simon Cowell?

Barnardo: Who? We must tell Harry Hamlet about this!

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(Ghost returns walking about, sits on the floor, holding his

ear)

Barnardo: He is back shall I poke it with a stick?

Horatio: That’s the ghost of the late King you’re

talking about

Barnardo: No wonder he isn’t King anymore if he was

always late!

Horatio: Let us impart what we have seen tonight.

Unto young Hamlet. For upon my life this

spirit dumb to us will speak to him

Gravedigger 2: What language are they speaking?

Gravedigger 1: Seriously? That was Shakespearean

Gravedigger 2: Is that like Klingon?

Gravedigger 1: No! Look Horatio is Harry Hamlet’s best

friend and he said he will now speak to

Hamlet about this ghost and hopes the

Ghost will speak to Hamlet. Right forward

we go here comes the King and Queen

Gravedigger 2: Oh he looks a right mean so in so!

Gravedigger 1: That’s because he isn’t very nice but

you’ll soon find that out

Act 1 Scene 2

(Enter King, Queen, Laertes and Hamlet)

King: Though yet of Hamlet our dear brothers

death the memory be green

Gravedigger 2: What on earth? This Klingon language is

double Dutch to me!

Gravedigger 1: He says that Hamlet finds is father’s

death still fresh

Gravedigger 2: How long ago did he die?

Gravedigger 1: About two month

Gravedigger 2: Blimey that is still fresh

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(Enter Voltemand and Cornelius)

King: Ah my good friends, please here is a

letter for the good King of Norway, please

see that is delivered at most quick speed

of post

Gravedigger 2: Should use parcel force

Voltemand: In all that, and all things we show our

duty

Cornelius: What she said

Gravedigger 2: There not up to the job

King: Be gone fellow friends, Now What Ist

Laertes?

Laertes: Dread my Lord. Your leave and favour to

return to France. I came to honour your

coronation, now my thoughts and wishes

bend again towards France.

King: Have you your Father’s leave, where is

Polonius?

(Enter Polonius)

Polonius: Only me! Your Majesty?

King: Bow then! Actually, kneel!

Polonius: (Kneeling) Sire, Ophelia would like to

know news of Hamlets return

King: Your son wishes to leave for France, what

say you?

Polonius: Could we answer my question first?

(Awkward pause)Oh Ok, my son?

King: Laertes

Polonius: That’s my brother

King: You test my patience fool

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Queen: He is your son and Ophelia is your

daughter

Polonius: Then he can go! Do I have a Wife?

(Everyone laughs,Polonius joins in until they all stop and he

is still laughing until he also stops embarrassed)

King: Enough! Take thy fair hour Laertes, time

be thine, but now my cousin Hamlet, and my

son

(Enter Hamlet)

Polonius: Ahh Hamlet, Ophelia wants to talk to you

Hamlet: Hamlet isn’t in right now so if you would

like to leave a message after the tone

then please do so (Makes the beep sound of

an answer machine)

Polonius: Oh he’s not in. Right, oh I hate speaking

to these things...

Laertes: You idiot just speak to Hamlet

Queen: No leave him, my poor son is still upset

at the loss of his father!

Polonius: He has lost his Father?

King: Oh stop smothering him Gertrude dear he is

going to be a grown man soon, he has to

live up to these things.

Queen: If you say so hubby

King: I do, times are changing around here!

Polony, wife come, later son.

Polonius: So where did his Father go?

Laertes: He is dead remember?

Polonius: Really?

Laertes: The former King is dead!

Polonius: Yes I Knew that actually (Pause) Right Oh

same person, sorry Harry easy mistake,

Cor! my knee it really hurts.

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(Everyone leaves except Hamlet)

Hamlet: This day does blacken

Laertes: You are a sad man, please cheers up

(Exit Laertes)

Hamlet: O, that this too too solid flesh would

melt

Thaw and resolve itself into a dew!

O God! God!How weary, stale, flat and

unprofitable,

Seem to me all the uses of this world!

Fie on't! ah fie! 'tis an unweeded garden,

That grows to seed; things rank and gross

in nature

But two months dead: nay, not so much, not

two:

So excellent a king; that was, to this,

Heaven and earth!

Must I remember? why, she would hang on

him,

As if increase of appetite had grown

Frailty, thy name is woman!--

married with my uncle,

My father's brother, but no more like my

father

Than I to Hercules: within a month:

It is not nor it cannot come to good:

But break, my heart; for I must hold my

tongue.

Gravedigger 2: Sorry didn’t get that

Gravedigger 1: Basically, he is saying he is upset that

his Uncle is now King and married to his

mum and he feels like a little girl cuz he

wants to cry

Gravedigger 2: Is he?

Gravedigger 1: On with the play, enter his mate with two

stooges.

(Enter Horatio, Marcellus and Barnardo and Voltemand)

Gravedigger 1: Not you Voltemand

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Voltemand: I just want more lines!

Gravedigger 2: Get lost

(Exit Voltemand)

Hamlet: Horatio

Horatio: Yes me lord!

Hamlet: What brings thee from Wittenberg Horatio?

Horatio: You my Lord

Hamlet: Marcellus!

Marcellus: My good Lord!

Barnardo: My Lord

Hamlet: Horatio what brings you here?

Marcellus: Blanked, HAH, Gutted!

Horatio: I came for your Father’s funeral

Hamlet: Do not mock me. You came for the

Coronation

Horatio: Indeed my Lord it followed Hard upon. But

guess what I saw last night?

Hamlet: A shooting star? A female Aardvark? The

tenth planet? (Pause) Me thinks I see my

father

Horatio: Where?

Hamlet: In my mind’s eye

Horatio: I saw a ghost? Your father

Hamlet: If you have come here looking for a

quarrel then you have one

Horatio: No sire as true as I am stood here now and

those gravediggers are looking smelly and

silly and Marcellus truly is the most

miserablist man in the Kings ward. Then

your father was walking and talking last

very night!

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Hamlet: Your eyes speak the truth but I can’t

believe what I am hearing, could this be

true. What proof have you?

Horatio: These two men have seen him on two

occasions. Why not see for yourself,

apparently he has been seen at the same

time every night.

Gravedigger 2: I wonder if he does Matinees?

Hamlet: You vouch for this?

Marcellus: I am not that miserable am I?

Horatio: Your not important enough fool.

Hamlet: Answer me both do you swear on your

sisters girly graves that you did indeed

see mine father?

Marcellus: Aye

Barnardo: He doesn’t have a sister but he is so

miserable I am sure he would swear on his

step brother’s grave.

Marcellus: I would dig it!

Hamlet: Are you two taking me seriously?

Barnardo: Aye master we both have seen this

apparition.

Hamlet: Right I shall see this for myself! In the

meantime, let’s go fly a kite!

Act 1 Scene 3

Ophelia and Laertes

Laertes: Oh sister ist thou crazy?

Ophelia: Why sayest my dearest brother?

Laertes: Because you sit and look lost and yet

smile so constantly.

Ophelia: It is love my brother, for Hamlet, though

I fear he is lost in sorrow.

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Laretes: He is lost indeed and I worry for you my

dear. He is in a dark place and I fear

that he will take anyone down with him, it

is not his fault.

Ophelia: Are you saying that I am wrong to love

him?

Laertes: Not at all, we can choose who we love but

there are plenty more rats in the sewer.

(Enter Polonius)

Polonius: I think you’ll find that is fish in the

sea my son

Laertes: Well either way you may have found love

but you can find safer love elsewhere,

honestly dear sister, think!

Polonius: Dear sister

Laertes: She is your daughter

Polonius: Oh yes, Daughter, I bid you good council,

leave this silly grieving man alone and

find love in someone else!

Ophelia: Well I will talk to him and see what he

says for I cannot just ignore he is here

and forget that I do indeed love him (exit

Ophelia)

Polonius: That crazy girl reminds me of my daughter

Laretes: That because she is your daughter

Polonius: Keep your eye on her my friend. I fear

she will need help along the way. I

remember how she needed a lot of help

playing snakes and ladders when she was

younger.

Laertes: She isn’t playing snakes and ladders

Polonius: What a silly thing to say of course she

isn’t playing snakes and ladders, do you

treat everything in life like a game

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Laertes: I will just forget we had this

conversation

Gravedigger 1: Right let’s move this on shall we?

Gravedigger 2: Yes why don’t you two go and find out what

Ophelia is up to?

(Exit Polonius and Laertes)

Gravedigger 1: So Hamlet must see for himself that his

father still walks this Earth

Gravedigger 2: Creepy!

Act 1 Scene 4

(Enter Hamlet and Horatio)

Hamlet: It is a cold night my friend, can this

really be true what you have been saying

to me?

Horatio: Yes my lord

(Hamlet looks scared and upset, his father’s ghost walks on

and sits down)

Hamlet: Father can this really be you?

(The Ghost nods and points to his ear)

Hamlet: Oh poor man speak

Horatio: I think he is trying to say something

about his poor ear

Hamlet: Shh! I think I will understand my own

father

(The Ghost carries on gesturing towards his ear but Hamlet

doesn’t understand what he is trying to tell him)

Hamlet: How many syllables daddy?

Ghost: Oh for heavens sake, my ear I was killed

by having poison poured in to my ear! It

was Murther!

Gravedigger 2: Here we go again

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Hamlet: You must mean murder! Really? What fiend

has done this, mine uncle?

Horatio: Your insides serve you well young Jedi!

Hamlet: I knew there was a reason why I hated my

uncle for marrying my mother so soon after

my father’s death

Ghost: I must tell you that I...

Hamlet: What?

Ghost: I am trying...

Hamlet: You’re breaking up

Ghost: Forget it

(The Ghost walks off, shaking his head)

Horatio: I think he wanted to tell you something

Hamlet: He did

Gravedigger 1: Look here Prince Hamlet, I think your

father was trying to tell you that he has

to walk in eternal limbo until you avenge

his death.

Hamlet: Oh I was going to do that anyway. No one

must know what we have seen tonight.

Horatio: That is clear my lord

Hamlet: I will run you through...

Marcellus: Take Barnardo he tastes like chocolate

Horatio: Leave them friend they can be trusted

Barnardo: I know I can! Chocolate?

Hamlet: Swear!

Barnardo: Big jobs!

Hamlet: You mock me?

Barnardo: Sorry

Marcellus: We agree, we swear

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Hamlet: Then it is agreed

Marcellus: Right I am off to dig my step Brother’s

grave

Barnardo: That was meant to be a phrase

Marcellus: Well its a bit late for that I killed him!

Look this is a tragedy and I killed my

step brother because I had to swear on his

grave, leave me alone (exits)

Gravedigger 1: So the plot for revenge is set

Gravedigger 2: Ooh this is getting really good

Act 2 scene 1

Gravedigger 1: Let’s add some gossip in to this

(Enter Ophelia and Polonius)

Polonius: My niece

Ophelia: Daughter

Polonius: Oh yes, darling daughter what seems to be

the problem...

Ophelia: I have just seen the strangest of things

Polonius: Well that diving suit may seem an odd to

thing to wear but I needed to see if it

still fitted me...

Ophelia: No not you, I know how daft you are.

Hamlet has frightened me, for I saw him

stark naked running around the courtyard

making chicken noises!

Polonius: How odd! Are you sure! He could have

been testing to see if the chickens knew

the difference between humans and

chickens?

Ophelia: I fear he may have lost it and cracked

Polonius: An egg?

Ophelia: No cracked himself and gone mad

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Polonius: We must keep our eye on this and tell the

King if we see any more proof!

Gravedigger 2: Ooh that is hot gossip

Gravedigger 1: Let’s move this on

(Exit Polonius and Ophelia and enter king, Queen, Osric,

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern)

King: The excellence Guildenstern and

Rosencrantz

Guildenstern: Head or Tails my lord?

Rosencrantz: Not now fool

Queen: You boys have known Hamlet for some years

King: Since childhood

Rosencrantz: Indeed we have your majesty and good lady

King: Harry is suffering from grief

Queen: Poor boy

Guildenstern: Poor boy

Rosencrantz: Shh!

King: We cannot seem to bring him out of this,

melancholy

Guildenstern: Have you tried, macaroni cheese? Perhaps

he doesn’t like Cauliflower!

King: Can we shoot this man

Osric: Sire he is but an imbecile

Queen: Peace my lord, he is but a few sandwiches

short of a picnic

Guildenstern: That was really nice of you Ozzy

Osric: It’s Osric

Guildenstern: Oh. Heads or tails?

Rosencrantz: Shut up you is embarrassing us!

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King: Look enough of this! Find out what

bothers Harry Hamlet or you will be

playing that infernal coin game with death

himself.

Queen: Bring the young gentlemen to where young

Hamlet is

(Exit the three courtiers and enter Polonius)

Polonius: My lord and Gertie

Queen: That is mam to you

Polonius: Is it? Anyway the two ambassadors have

returned from Norway and they seem to

think what might be at the head of

Hamlet’s insanity, I mean craziness, no

not craziness, sadness...

King: They do? That wasn’t their mission!

Queen: Just bring them in fool

King: He makes a good Jester...

(Enter Cornelius and Voltemand)

King: Speak

Voltemand: The King of Norway offers some three

thousand crowns in annual fee to pass his

soldiers across your land

Cornelius: I wanted to say that. He treated us well

sire

King: This is interesting news. We shall sup up

over dinner on this question, what of

Harry?

Cornelius: What about him sire?

Queen: Polonius said you knew of his sorrow

Voltemand: Do we?

Polonius: Ahh left the gas on got to run bye...

(Exit Polonius)

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King: He makes me laugh, come good friends rest

well for you have done well

(Exit all, enter the Gravediggers)

Gravedigger 1: Well this is building our story more

Gravedigger 2: Will Roses and Guildhall actually get

anyone to play their games of coin

tossing?

Gravedigger 1: I don’t know. I wasn’t really expecting

that question

Act 2 scene 2

(Hamlet, Polonius, Rosencrantz, Guldenstern, player)

Gravedigger 1: Here you see come Rosencratz and

Guildenstern to find out for the King what

is making him crazy

Gravedigger 2: Their names sound like guitar makes!

Rosencrantz: Ahh Harry

(Hamlet raises a hand as he is playing Chess on his own)

Guildenstern: Heads or tails Hammers?

Hamlet: We are playing a rather important game

Rosencrantz: Look Harry, it has been ages, why don’t we

go for a drink at the local public house?

Guildenstern: Good shout sunner! Yeah we can play a

more interesting game their

Hamlet: What like OOARGH?

Guildenstern: Well yeah, why not!

Hamlet: Look with all this yelling I cannot

concentrate on this game

Rosencrantz: No one’s yelling

Hamlet: (shouts) Well I am now!

Guildenstern: Look Harry calm down and just chill we are

worried about you

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Gravedigger 2: Are they?

Rosencrantz: Are we?

Gravedigger 1: No

Guildenstern: Why of course we are

Hamlet: Look Rosie, I saw some rather large

exports going out yesterday, looked like

heavy stuff

Guildenstern: just pictures Harry, of the King

Hamlet: Really? How much

Guildenstern: ten gold coins!

Hamlet: That’s less than he used to charge before

he was King, something more to this than

something natural.

(Enter Polonius)

Polonius: My great man, I have the peeps you asked

for!

Hamlet: Polony

Polonius: No I have

Hamlet: Bring them in then, King of Queens!

Polonius: Enter Thezzers!

(Enter four actors)

Actor 1: Who’s he?

Polonius: That is the man, who will be Directing

Actor 1: Right

Actor 2: Look we haven’t got our equity cards

Hamlet: So what?

Actor 3: I am the best in the company, just call me

Nick Bottom

Hamlet: Is that really his name?

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Polonius: Apparently, may I present the troupe known

as the Mechanicals!

Gravedigger 1: Think we have the wrong play

Hamlet: Oh you two I can’t be bothered with pubs

and social things so just have one on me

Guildenstern: But...

Polonius: The King won’t be happy

Hamlet: What does he want?

Rosencrantz: To know whether you chose heads or tails

Hamlet: Tell the King that I would not choose

because I was far too busy

Actor 4: I act

Hamlet: Good!

Actor 4: I act!

Hamlet: Yes good, you two can go

Actor 4: I act

Polonius: Sorry Harry I think he’s not all here

Actor 1: Right where’s our trailer? I am pooped!

Act 3 scene 1

King, Rosencrantz, Guildenstern, Queen and Polonius.

King: And can you, by no drift of circumstance,

Get from him why he puts on this

confusion,

Grating so harshly all his days of quiet

With turbulent and dangerous lunacy?

Rosencrantz He does confess he feels himself

distracted; Head or tails?

(Guildenstern shakes his head)

But from what cause he will by no means

speak.

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Guildenstern Nor do we find him forward to be sounded,

But, with a crafty madness, keeps aloof,

When we would bring him on to some

confession Of his true state.

Queen Did he receive you well?

Rosencrantz Most like a gentleman. I pity the fool!

Guildenstern: He means...

Rosencrantz Madam, it so fell out, that certain

players We o'er-raught on the way: of

these we told him;

And there did seem in him a kind of joy

To hear of it: they are about the court,

And, as I think, they have already order

This night to play before him.

Polonius 'Tis most true:

And he beseech'd me to entreat your

majesties

To hear and see the matter.

King: With all my heart; and it doth much

content me

To hear him so inclined.

Good gentlemen, give him a further edge,

And drive his purpose on to these

delights.

Rosencrantz: We shall, my lord.

(Exit Rosencrantz and Guildenstern)

Polonius: This play shall rock

King: Sweet Gertrude go to, we must talk a while

Queen: Why do you put yourself through such

things?

(Exit Queen)

King: Polonius, smells

Gravedigger 2: What was all that about?

23

Gravedigger 1: Well you see Rosencrantz and Guildenstern

couldn’t really tell why Hamlet is acting

so cuckoo but they told the King how

Hamlet intends to stage a play!

Gravedigger 2: Yes! Can I be in it?

Gravedigger 1: No but you can watch, watch out her he

comes.

Act 3 scene 2

Hamlet: To be or not to be, that is the question

Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer

The slings and arrows of outrageous

fortune,

Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,

And by opposing end them? To die: to

sleep;

No more; and by a sleep to say we end

The heart-ache and the thousand natural

shocks

To die, to sleep;

To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's

the rub;

For in that sleep of death what dreams may

come

When we have shuffled off this mortal

coil,

The oppressor's wrong, the proud man's

contumely,

The pangs of despised love, the law's

delay,

To grunt and sweat under a weary life,

But that the dread of something after

death,

The undiscover'd country from whose bourn

No traveller returns, puzzles the will

And makes us rather bear those ills we

have Than fly to others that we know not

of?

Thus conscience does make cowards of us

all;

Soft you now!

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(Enter Ophelia)

The fair Ophelia! Nymph, in thy orisons

Be all my sins remembered.

Ophelia: My lord you lent me this book

Hamlet: you have just interrupted a very important

speech

Ophelia: Oh sorry, carry on

Hamlet: No the moment has gone

Ophelia: Well, here is the book my lord

Hamlet: (reads the title)Fly fishing by Dave E

Lately? I don’t own such a book

Ophelia: Well I have come to return it

Hamlet: Are you honest?

Ophelia: My lord?

Hamlet: Well? Well? Well? Well? Well? Well? Well?

Ophelia: What?

Hamlet: Are you honest? Speak for I think though

are not honest and yet I swear I once did

love you

Ophelia: Lord I do love you

Hamlet: That is such a shame for as I see you here

standing in front of me I have to say I do

not love you

Ophelia: Sire?

Hamlet: Go be gone, no stay, no be gone, no stay

Ophelia: My lord are thou ok?

Hamlet: Should I stay or I should I go? If I go

there will be trouble and if I stay there

will be double

Ophelia: Are you quoting the Clash?

Hamlet: I do not or have ever loved you, now be

gone, go to

25

(Exit Hamlet)

Ophelia: Oh what a noble mind here is overthrown?

(Enter King and Polonius)

King: Do not startle young nymph for we heard

everything

Polonius: We were ear wigging!

King: Well done you idiot, well Ophelia that

Harry should be certified

Polonius: He should be what?

King: Straight jacket him, send him to England

where fools dare to tread, he is a Hyde of

which Jekyll has no control.

Polonius: He stark raving bonkers, no offence my

niece

Ophelia: None taken father

Polonius: Oh he has affected you too, bewitched your

innocent mind

King: No she is your daughter not your niece

Polonius: Oh! I knew that! Well I think I left the

gas on again (runs off)

King: Poor child a mad father and a mad lover,

I’ll be your boyfriend?

Ophelia: Sicko! (Exits)

King: Well you can’t blame me for trying!

Act Four scene one

Gravedigger 1: Bet your confused? I thought so,

basically Hamlet has just given a mighty

speech about what is life and what happens

when one snuffs it! His girlfriend

Ophelia came in and he made her feel like

his crazy as he doesn’t want her feelings

to get in the way of his plot to avenge

his fathers death

26

Gravedigger 2: Whose death?

Gravedigger 1: You’re an idiot!

Gravedigger 2: Ah thanks! Well how about a play?

Gravedigger 1: It needs to be rehearsed first

(Enter Hamlet, Horatio and players)

Hamlet: So how are the lines going?

Actor 4: I act

Actor 1: I know all mine

Actor 2: Why can’t I play Tron?

Actor 3: Tron isn’t in this play

Actor 4: I act

All: Yes we know

Actor 2: If he keeps saying that I shall wait until

it is night, fill my pillow full of bars

of soap and thus beat the living snot out

of him.

Horatio: You finished? Look my Harry knows Larry

Lamb, Matt Damon

Actor 4: Matt Damon

Horatio: Yes he does and as usual they aren’t

working at the moment so if you guys don’t

pull your selves together I’ll call them

Actor 2: That will not be necessary as we are

professionals and we will rock this house

Actor 1: May remind you how well we rocked the

house with Pyramus and Thingy!

Hamlet: Thisbe! Just act...

(The Actors start acting out the play)

Horatio: What? This sucks, aren’t you going to

speak?

27

Gravedigger 1: So they spent all night rehearsing and by

the end of it Harry was therefore pleased.

Horatio: Well my lord if he steal aught whilst this

play is playing and scape detecting, I

will pay the theft...

Gravedigger 2: What language was that?

Horatio: If the King doesn’t get the message after

this play then I am a monkeys uncle!

Gravedigger 2: Thanks. You didn’t need to shout though

(Enter Rosencrantz and Guildenstern)

Guildenstern: The King and everyone are coming!

Actor 1: What do you mean everyone?

Horatio: EVERYONE!

Actor 1: What like everyone?

Horatio: Yeah everyone

Actor 1: Everyone

Horatio: Everyone

Actor 1: Everyone?

Horatio: Everyone

Actor 4: Matt Damon can act

Act four scene Two

(Enter King, Queen, Polonius and courtiers)

Ozric: What infernal play are we about to watch?

Voltemand: I’m not sure I hope its Mamma Mia

Polonius: I hope not that’s all Ophelia watches

Hamlet: I feel a little unprepared.

Actors: Prologue.

For us, and for our tragedy,

Here stooping to your clemency,

We beg your hearing patiently

28

Hamlet: No not now

Actor 1: (Character King)Full thirty times hath

Phoebus' cart gone round

Neptune's salt wash and Tell us' orbed

ground, I am a King (Winks at the King)

Hamlet: What are you doing?

Horatio: Nice and subtle

Actor 2: (Character Queen)Where love is great, the

littlest doubts are fear;

Where little fears grow great, great love

grows there

Actor 3: And we sow the seed nature grows the seed

and then we eat the seed...

Actor 4: Matt Damon!

Actor 1: My Queen

Actor 2: My Kingeth!

Actor 3: But what is this A Comet will strike the

Earth

Actor 4: Matt Damon

Hamlet: And that’s the end of the first half

You and you are fired, you two you’re

doing it!

Gravedigger 1: He won’t be much better

(Actor 3 and 4 join the audience)

King: What is this Harry a play or Eastenders?

Queen: Very droll

Polonius: HAHAHAH very funny sire you are a comedy

genius

Queen: Please don’t

Gravedigger 1: Oh behold Act 2 the King lies asleep

whilst the Queen eats Brussel Sprouts.

Actor 2: Oh no!

Gravedigger 1: but who is this creeping around

Gravedigger 2: Matt Damon

Gravedigger 1: No, just be quiet, it’s a Hellion!

King: What?

Gravedigger 1: Oh he pours poison in the Kings ear and

behold the King Dies!

(Actor 1 acts out the most elaborate death scene he can

muster, which is equally awful)

Gravedigger 1: The End

Hamlet: Bravo (claps vigorously)

29

(Audience claps and then it dies down as the King looks really

angry)

King: (Pause)This is outrageous who wrote this

rubbish?

Hamlet: Me! Well actually it was...

(The Gravediggers shake their heads)

King: Well I thought it was utter rubbish, I

have a head ache... (Exits quickly)

Queen: Well, Well, Well someone got out on the

wrong side of bed. I thought it was a

little violent but well done Hamlet for

trying.

Polonius: I think it was simply terriblific

Queen: That’s not a word and you are being

stupid! I am off!

(Everyone exits except Hamlet, Laertes, Ophelia and Horatio)

Ophelia: You seem to upet the King easily

(Hamlet makes chicken noises and jumps around)

Laertes: Are you mocking my sister Harry?

Hamlet: No she mocks me for I am not interested

and she cannot get the message!

Ophelia: But I do love you and know you do to

Hamlet: Though art wrong, cluck, cluck

(Ophelia runs off, Laertes follows her)

Hamlet: Well that did the trick

Horatio: Half a share

Hamlet: Exactly, The King was really upset...

Horatio: And Ophelia?

Hamlet: Do not speak of such depressing things

(Rosencrantz and Guildenstern enter)

30

Guildenstern: Wow Hamlet you need to know the King is

seething and the Queen...

Rosencrantz: wants you to explain yourself

Guildenstern: We have been sent by the Queen, your

mother to request you go see her now

Hamlet: I know who my mother is, I shall not

disappoint her...

Act four scene three

The Queen is sitting when Polonius Enters

Polonius: My good lady

Queen: My dearest Polony I can’t listen to your

voice for long you are such a fool

Polonius: Look I came to tell you my dearest Queen

once these hair straightners are invented

they will take over the world and enslave

us all!

Queen: What are you talking about?

Polonius: The King is sending Hamlet away to

England, oh I hear someone coming I will

hide behind here!

(Enter Hamlet)

Hamlet: Mother tell me it’s not true

Queen: I am not talking to you

Hamlet: Really

Queen: No certainly not you have really upset The

King

Hamlet: The King is dead

Queen: You are talking with a voice of treason

King: The King was my Father, slained by an evil

Uncle who is now an imposter on the throne

and who shall die for his act of treason

(Hamlet grabs the Queen by the throat)

31

Hamlet: You are a Succubus who must answer the

call for your sins, who hides there?

(Hamlet senses someone is hiding behind

the Queen and stabs them through the

curtain, Polonius falls out spluttering)

Polonius: Oh no I am slain after hearing that the

King is an evil man who does evil

things...

Queen: he is dead

Polonius: Yes that is true (Dies)

Hamlet: Look what you have done mother, this is

your fault, you’re doings (Grabs her again

and pushes her on the floor where she

covers her face)

(Enter the ghost of the King who knocks Hamlet to the floor)

Ghost: Do not forget

Hamlet: Father

Ghost: Do not forget, avenge my brother not my

wife. Look at her sitting there! Harry

speak with her.

Hamlet: How does you Lady?

Queen: Alas, how i’st with you? Oh son where

upon do you look?

Hamlet: On him, on him, how pale and well dead he

looks, like a ghost who was killed so

unjustly by his, by your brother of all

people. No I know you don’t want tears

you want revenge.

Queen: Dear son to whom do you speak?

Ghost: Why me you daft woman

Hamlet: You see no one?

Queen: Apart from you my murderous son, no one!

Ghost: Oh typical, the eyes of a woman...

32

(Exit the Ghost)

Queen: This is the very coinage of your brain

Hamlet: Not coinage, you must see

Queen: You are truly mad, you have cleft my heart

in two, you must do something to...

Hamlet: I must go to London must I not?

Queen: Oh tis true, I forgot

Hamlet: Let the King think you are madly devoted

to him and then one night crack his neck.

Queen: Hamlet that is so evil.

Hamlet: Well I shall not bother you for England

calls, apples and pairs and ginger beers,

you know how it is. Kill the King’s man,

eat some spam and then leave your, mam!

Queen: That rhymed!

Hamlet: Fair well mother (kisses her and walks to

leave)

Queen: Uhm, best not leave this idiot lying on

the floor!

Hamlet: Come on Polony (drags him off) your worm

food now!

(Exit Hamlet)

Act Four Scene Four

King, Ozric, Voltemand and Cornelius

King: I am almost annoyed!

Voltemand: Almost my lord?

King: OK very, very annoyed I am so angry I

could hang the nearest person to me! (all

the men in the room try and get away from

the King) What has gotten in to you fools!

Voltemand: Just playing a game of life and death!

33

Ozric: Sire, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are

here

King: Then they must answer to me

Cornelius: I say those roses over there look nice

Voltemand: Shh not now

(Enter Rosencrantz and Guildenstern)

King: You are to leave at once (Rosencrantz

starts to exit) Not right now

Rosencrantz: Sorry master

King: You are to take Hamlet to England

Ozric: He will, there for, sign to play for

Portsmouth football club

All: (Gasp)

Cornelius: Harsh

King: Once there his madness cannot affect this

country any longer and he shall not return

until he has calmed down.

Ozric: The Queen is most upset

King: She is scared of what he may try and do

Guildenstern: My Lord have you not heard?

Rosencrantz: Polonius is dead sire, murdered by Hamlet!

King: WHAT? I am now so angry I could crush a

red grape!

Ozric: Sire, we have no proof Hamlet did this

dead!

King: Go Rosen pants and Guildenstink you have

one last chance, find the body of Polonius

or you shall find yours floating in the

nearest river!

Ozric: There is one surrounding this Court

34

King: No that is my toilet they will float

elsewhere, now get me a red grape!

Act five scene 1

Enter Laertes and Ophelia

Ophelia: Father is dead

Laertes: I have heard

Ophelia: What has become of Harry I loved him so

Laertes: Sister he is gone, crazy one flew west,

one flew east and one flew over the

Cuckoo’s nest

Ophelia: I cannot go on dear Brother I am an

Iceberg without any water

Laertes: That doesn’t make sense

Ophelia: There's fennel for you, and columbines:

there's rue for you; and here's some for

me: we may call it herb-grace o' Sundays:

O you must wear your rue with a

difference. There's a daisy: I would give

you some violets, but they withered all

when my father died:

they say he made a good end,-- And will he

not come again?

No, no, he is dead:

Go to thy death-bed:

He never will come again.

His beard was as white as snow,

All flaxen was his poll:

He is gone, he is gone,

And we cast away moan:

God ha' mercy on his soul!

And of all Christian souls, I pray God.

God be wi' ye. bye

(Exit Ophelia)

Laertes: Hamlet will answer for this.

(Enter The King)

35

King: Laertes you look white

Laertes: Hamlet is the cause my good Lord, I know

he killed my father

King: We cannot be sure until we have proof!

Once we have proof you can indeed have the

revenge you lust!

Laertes: I will thank you when the day has come

(Enter Barnardo, Francisco and Marcellus)

Marcellus: My lords, Ophelia is...

Laertes: No

Barnardo: Dead my Lord, drowned in a one foot pond,

they are painting the sight right now for

the Forensics’

Francisco: It is as a true as Vrai is true in the

French language

Laertes: Sister, dead!

Francisco: She had flowers in her hand

Barnardo: She died by drowning

Marcellus: In a one foot pond?

Laertes: Nay she did not die of drowning she died

of a broken heart!

Francisco: in a one foot pond?

Act 5 scene Two

Hamlet: Horatio, does anyone know of Polonius

demise yet?

Horatio: I know not Harry!

(Enter Rosencrantz and Guildenstern)

Rosencrantz: Where is the body Harry?

Horatio: Maybe they do!

36

Guildenstern: Where is he Hamlet?

Hamlet: I know not what you mean fools!

Rosencrantz: Like you do not know that Ophelia is dead

too?

Horatio: You lie

Guildenstern: No she drowned but some say she died of a

broken heart

Hamlet: This is trivial fools! Now go before your

bodies go missing too!

Guildenstern: Ah so there is a body you know about?

Hamlet: No, uhm yes, so what?

Rosencrantz: What is it with our bodies?

Hamlet: I will stuff you two like a huntsman

stuffs his kills and post you to the King

Guildenstern: We come from the King Hamlet! He wants a

body or he will rage over us!

Hamlet: Really, the maybe I can give him what he

wants, for the body you seek has been

ground to dust just like I should do to

the King.

Rosencrantz: You talk of treason

Hamlet: You have to side against the King to

commit an act of treason. Boys I have a

truly gruesome present for the King, come

closer and I shall tell you of what you

shall bring our noble cretin of a Lord.

Act 5 scene four

Guildenstern: We are slain

Rosencrantz: Harry didn’t like the thought of England

Guildenstern: He has a message...

Rosencrantz: Dust, the dust

Guildenstern: Half fat, dust

37

Rosencrantz: Heads or tails...

(They die)

King: Fools, both dead

Laertes: Hamlet, here a message is pinned to ones

chest (reads) Claudius, that’s you, I will

not hide my intent but I will allow you to

know that I will reveal to you why I am

inane and I offer these fools lives in

trade for your life (Pause) I wonder what

he is trying to say? Oh wait there is

more. I will kill you like the phony King

you actually are.

King: Oh Hamlet you now have my undivided

attention.

Act Five scene four

Gravedigger 2: Oh the duel is going to be soon

Gravedigger 1: Our story is nearing its end, quick here

comes the King and his men

Gravedigger 2: Who couldn’t put Humpty together again

King: Not now fool I am in the Zone

(Enter Hamlet and Horatio)

King: Traitors, Horatio I will have your head on

a spike for this

(Hamlet kills Ozric)

Hamlet: Whoops! Laertes you look angry, yeah you

want to punch me right now, yeah you

really want to punch me right now

(Enter Leartes yelling, he and Hamlet fight until Laertes is

knocked to the floor)

King: Sorry Leartes, we shall be having a duel,

but you can have his heart on a silver

platter thah thah thah thah

38

Hamlet: Your a sick puppy Claudius but I shall now

kill you for, what’s the word? Oh yes

treason and revenge.

Laertes: Hamlet you son of a gun

Hamlet: He killed my father Laertes, he killed him

and took a Kingdom that isn’t his

Leartes: What? How do you know

Horatio: His father told him

King: Your father is dead, poisoned!

Horatio: Hah! See he knows too much

Hamlet: My father came to visit me as a ghost and

has told me how he was killed by a serpent

in the orchards

Leartes: I thought it was the King?

Hamlet: He is the Serpent

King: Enough of these lies, let’s begin

Gravedigger 1: Ok stand back to back, I shall call out

colours and you will take a step for each

colour and when I say something that’s not

a colour then the first to turn and shoot

the other will live!

King: What if you say Orange?

Gravedigger 1: Ok I won’t use Orange

Hamlet: Let’s do it

(They go back to back)

Gravedigger 1: Yellow (The King turns and stands still),

Blue, Red, Green, Yeovil Town

Hamlet turns but the King is already facing him and shoots him

King: Splat

(Hamlet isn’t dead and shoots the King who drops dead)

39

Laertes: My sister is dead dear Hamlet, she died of

a broken heart

Hamlet: NO!

(The Queen runs in screaming)

Queen: No this is madness, what have you two

done? (She drops down and cuddles Hamlet

only to kneel up in pain as Hamlet has

stabbed her, Laertes shoots Hamlet and

immediately drops himself, as we see

Horatio has shot Laertes, the court is

filled with silence)

Barnardo: Who’s King now?

Gravedigger 1: Well that is a woeful tale (puts his arm

around Horatio’s shoulders)there never was

such a tale of woe as that of Juliet and

Romeo. But this was pretty bad

Gravedigger 2: Think you can tell me Bambi tomorrow

night! Best we get on with these graves

Gravedigger 1: True my friend (The Ghost walks in and

views the scene) wait, I’m tired lets

finish this tomorrow!

Exit

End

40

Extra scene

To be added at the end of Act 1 Scene 4

(The ghost returns)

Ghost: My hour is almost come

Hamlet: Alas poor ghost

Ghost: pity me not but lend me thy serious ear to

what I shall unfold

Hamlet: yes daddy, tell all

Ghost: So art thou to revenge when thou shalt

hear

Hamlet: What?

Ghost: Let me speak

Hamlet: Sorry

Ghost: I am thy father’s spirit

Hamlet: Yeah figured that much

Ghost: Dooomed for a certain term to walk the

night.

Til the foul crimes done in my days of

nature are burnt and purged away?

Hamlet: You want me to burn the castle down?

Ghost: NO fool! I have to walk like this until

revenge is sought from death!

Hamlet: That makes more sense, who did this

horrible deed?

Ghost: If you stop interrupting me I will tell

thee

Hamlet: As grumpy in life as in death

Ghost: Look do you want to hear about this or

not?

Hamlet: Sorry, carry on

41

Ghost: Whilst I lay sleeping in my very own

Orchard a serpent did sting my ear with

poison that, stung the ear of Denmark

Hamlet: Denmark has an ear?

Ghost: Metaphor stupid!

Hamlet: Oh!

Ghost: you know noble youth who did sting my ear

with deadly poison

Hamlet: mine uncle?

Ghost: Ay that evil wizard who bewitched my

beautiful Queen and has taken my throne

for himself, if I was alive I would rip

out his beating heart...

Hamlet: It’s OK I think I get the picture, don’t

worry ghost of my dead father, I shall

truly avenge your death and kill this

false prophet of a King!

Ghost: Horrible, horrible...

(Exit Ghost)

Hamlet: So uncle there you are, now to my word for

I have sworn