guide unit 7

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Second Rite of Passage

FATHERS IN MOTION

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www.FathersInMotion.com Copyright © Fathers In Motion, California USA

THIS UNIT COMPRISES TWO STEPS:

ACTIVELY CELEBRATING TOGETHERWe do an activity or sport together that we are equally poor at, using a defined process and a deter-mined amount of time. We work through this activity to have fun and spend time together, but the explicit objective between you and your son is to complete the process so as to “earn” the next step.

OUR TIMEOnce we have “earned” this step, we go away for an evening, preferably a camping trip or someplace away from other people. Using simple steps, this is a process of acknowldegement in your son’s journey to manhood where he can feel accepted at this new level of evolved consciousness. He gets to reflect on who he is now and the man he wants to become. There are no dramatic ‘rite of passage’ ordeals or hurdles he must overcome to earn this new credential but it is a modern way of acknowl-edgement for you as father and son to experience and connect in his transition.

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Step 1Actively Celebrating Together

FATHERS IN MOTION

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"My father didn’t tell me how to live; he lived and let me watch him do it.“

~Clarence Kelland

We are busy today with many different demands on our time.

This is a process to have a fun, shared activity or sport. Yet this time spent together is not ordinary.

It is a focused commitment between you and your son that creates fun; you both know why you are doing it; stay focused on setting up a rite of passage that follows…. ....and so let the games begin.

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PAIRED ACTIVITY

There are times to think.

Times to talk.

Times to act and do!

This is one of those times.

This will require focus and a degree of sacrifice. This will require a commitment to a period of time so make sure you can fit this into your schedule. It is a key part of the program.

What we achieve here is to embrace a weekly activity with your Son. Plan on setting aside time for this once a week for a duration of two to three months. Include it in your schedule and allow it to become a piece of your weekly fun activities. Remember that you must be committed to actually following through.

This is easier said than done given our busy lives, yet it is imperative you make the time.

In summary, it is a sport or activity that you two participate in weekly for a defined period of time. Yet it is different to any normal activity in a way that:

• You choose something that is truly exciting

• That you and your son are equally poor at, with no focus on winning or getting better at

• There is an explicit intent between the two of you of having no other purpose than sharing a good time together and enjoying each other’s company

• You commit and make the time, every single week!

• There is an explicit agreement, that at the end of the period there is a celebration of having seen it through together

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Act.Men in action, get results.Things should not happen to you, they should happen because of you

~Anonymous

OUTLINE

The intention of this activity is two-fold. The first part is for you and your son to intentionally create a space that is “between” you and him (not about You or Him, but the space between called a Relationship) which is nurtured by spending fun time together. The second is to follow through until the end together. This sets up a joint celebration or achievement, which builds a platform for the later rite of passage-- a weekend away.

How we execute on this is through three specific steps: Step 1: Initiate

Step 2: Paired activity schedule

Step 3: Celebrate

The detail of each of these steps is outlined in the pages that follow.

This process is different compared to other time you spend with him. An example would be his existing sports obligations. There is a purpose - you both know why you are choosing to commit time and energy to this (the relationship); only the two of you are involved. It is not about proving or getting better at anything but about quality time; Lastly there is a clear outcome or celebration at the end that you are both working-toward that is just for the two of you.

These aspects change the nature of the time you spend together and the importance of follow through and actually spending the time once you commit to it.

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STEP 1: INITIATE

You call your son aside into a private space where you can be alone. Let’s say for example, your study. There are no distractions and it’s a place to talk. Consider conversing with him along the following lines:

“As you know, we spoke earlier about my interest in wanting to spend more time together and grow our relationship because it is special. This is what I was thinking.

Let’s choose to do something, just you and I. It must be something fun. As we are going to do it every week, something that can quite easily fit into our schedules. What we want to get out of this is simple time together, where we have the space to talk and just have fun. Let’s pick something that we are both horrible at, but let’s make it all about fun. This way no one is trying to get you to ‘be better and improve’. This isn’t about winning or proving anything to anyone, just you and I nurturing our relationship. This is really important to me. I just want to spend some fun time with you.”

My sense is that we do it once a week for an hour or two, let’s say ten or twelve times, which should take us about 3 months. If we commit and stick to this, It would be great to celebrate at the end. To go away for a weekend, just you and I, maybe camping and fishing where there is no one around for miles. How do you feel about this?

……….What should we do? How long should it be for and how should we schedule it weekly? Where do you think we should go or do, to celebrate at the end?....”

The most important part of the conversation is in setting the context that you are committing to something with the aim of building the relationship, the space between the two of you, and committing to follow through.

The sport or activity should have three major attributes:

• Fun for both of you

• Equally poor at doing, something neither of you do regularly

• Easily able to include in your schedule (cost, nearby etc)

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Nothing lasting or great was achieved without intent

“Your children need your presence more than they need your presents.”

~Elaine Heffner

LIST OF POTENTIAL ACTIVITIES

The activity or sport should be something you both would find fun, and look forward to doing. I would suggest that you try to include a level of physical activity as it helps the bonding process. If you are impaired, choose an activity that would be appropriate. Several areas are more sedentary in nature, such as computer gaming or a hobby. These can be chosen but preferably these should be woven into quality time together outside this specific step of the program (more ideas of these are included in the Extra Quality section at the end of this unit). Some of these are team sports and can be modified so that the two of you practice a set of maneuvers modified for just two people. This is not an exhaustive list but a few ideas to expand your considerations and comfort zone, as the choice is ultimately personal:

Archery Motorcycling & off-road Tennis

Baseball (bat & ball) Skiing or bobsledding Swimming

Surfing Skateboarding Biking

Boating Bowling Racquetball

Squash Hiking & walking Cricket Cycling Fishing Football related

Rugby related Horses or polo Martial arts

Boxing Hockey related Running

Snowmobiles Paragliding or hang gliding Lacrosse related Kite surfing Hunting Tree felling

Rock climbing Wrestling Billiards or pool

Learn to dance Shooting sports Badminton

Canoeing or rowing Fencing Rollerskating Table tennis Rafting Weightlifting or gym

Snowboarding Bowling Kite Flying

Sailing Athletics Snorkeling

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STEP 2: PAIRED ACTIVITY SCHEDULE

After selecting the activity in the first step, then:

• Design a schedule:• Commit to it and keep the schedule updated. • Having the schedule increases the commitment, stick to it. • Updating encourages commitment into execution. • A copy of a schedule outline is included at the back of this unit. • Life happens and on certain days, events may arise making it impossible to make the scheduled

time. Take this in your stride and chat about it.

• Ensure (i) You do not miss two in a row. (ii) You do not get a free-pass and the agreed number is to be made up and hence the schedule

end date is extended by a week, pushing out the celebration at the end. (iii) He is watching your actions. You made a committment to him, so follow through. Find the time

and meet him at the day and time agreed each week to enjoy each other’s company – there is no free pass on keeping your word.

• Conduct yourself like a loving father when doing the activity, using your own code of conduct.• Remember, this is about enjoying each other’s company, not winning, or getting him to be better at

whatever is being played.• Make it fun and focus on maintaining a positive, happy frame of mind; let the competitive male side of

you rest, just this once• See the best in him and tell him so, even when he does great or not so great. Do not criticize and never

tell him ‘how he should be doing something’ (this is tougher than it sounds. Over time this changes the dynamic of a father who focuses on pointing out areas of weakness)

• Try your best (do not try show him or prove anything to him either), but be humble• During and after shake hands or hug or whatever feels natural. The point is to express how much you

are enjoying spending the time with him

SCHEDULE

Date agreed to initiate:

Activity selected:

How we are going to celebrate is :

* mark Yes or No in this column. Did I broadly follow the ‘conduct’ code of ..

- Making it fun and I was in a positive, happy frame of mind. I let the competitive male side rest.

- I saw the best in him and told him so. I did not criticize or tell him how he should be doing some-thing. I tried my best and was humble, just a great guy to be around.

- I put my arms around his shoulders and expressed how much I enjoyed spending the time with him.

We chose tennis as our activity of choice, playing every Wednesdaylate afternoon for three monthsboth being terrible players, it was awesome

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Enjoying tennis but being terrible players, we chose to play early evening on Wednesdays in summer

DATE DONE REFLECTIONSDID I?

CODE OF CONDUCT *

123456789

101112

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FACEBOOK – COMMITMENT TO MY FRIENDS

Consider making a commitment to your friends to follow through, some say a key way to get yourself to follow through. This can be done by posting on your wall. This is entirely personal and optional.

Steps:1. Select a picture from the accompanying guide CD (or download from our website) or a personal picture that resonates with you.

2. Post it on your wall, along with a commitment, to what you are going to do and that you will follow through.

Suggested, but write on your wall as you see fit.

“{Your Son’s name} and I have committed to weekly play {activity} for the next three months. I am so looking forward to it and will make sure that we do this every week!”

How to do this on FacebookFrom your profile, on the left select Home on the top right, then from the top box (What‘s on your mind?) write your short message and click the Attach Photo icon just below the box, then attach a picture chosen above. Click the Share button and it is posted to his wall.

www.Facebook.com/FathersInMotion

"Any man can be a Father but it takes someone special to be a Dad." ~ Anne Geddes

QUESTIONS

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"Any man can be a Father but it takes someone special to be a Dad.“

~Anne Geddes

STEP 3: CELEBRATE

Be proud each day that you stick to your commitment and the schedule.

You plan the celebration in principle up front at the first meeting (going away for a weekend in nature). This effectively sets up the Rite of Passage weekend in the next section of this unit. It is something both of you have worked toward and earned (by completing the schedule and spending the time together on a consis-tent basis). Do not position it as a Rite of Passage weekend. Instead, convey that the weekend is about celebrating and spending time together, even though it is the weekend where you will acknowledge him, see him as a Man and ………….. the details of this are left to the section coming up.

Well done in getting this far! You have come so much further than most Fathers out there, be proud of yourself!

How do you feel, with what you are earning with your son through time and effort, the build up to your weekend away?

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QUALITY TIME

Spending quality time together is the most precious gift we can give anyone, for it is the most scarce resource we have with our limited time here on earth. Recognize it for face value and offer it gladly to your son for it will pay handsomely in time; to you and to him.

The sport or activity in this unit was designed in a way that creates specific quality and value and to set up the process of the weekend away. We often hear from fathers that beyond the normal sports and busy schedule of family life, they are not sure where or how to include quality time together. Below are suggestions for quality Father--Son activities. They are not part of this program guide but are included as an added extra to simply assist in uncovering areas if you have asked yourself the very same question. In addition to the sport and activities outlined earlier in the module:

Ride bikes / play catch / Go to the hobby store and get something to build together / Go to a live sporting event or concert / Give your time to a local dog shelter for a day / Work on your car / Clean your car / Create a vegetable garden / Gaming, play his favorite computer game / Hunt or go out into the woods at night to catch something / Take a short roadtrip / Have lunch at Hooters (my son’s contribution!) / Together fix up the little things around the house (tile repair, globes replaced) / Make jerky / Cook supper for the family/ Get a large radio-controlled car or plane / Let him grill on the BBQ / Build a firepit, something in the garden / Build a kite / Fix something, build something, do something – the list is endless

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Step 2Our Time

FATHERS IN MOTION

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There was a special day in my childhood when my Father took me fishing. The day was fixed in my mind,and I often reflected upon the many things my father had taught me in the course of our fishing together. My father kept a journal.Many years later, turning to that date, I saw he had only entered one sentence.

"Gone fishing today with my Son, a day wasted.”

~a story from Samuel Johnson

This is a short time period where you are alone with your son, preferably a weekend camping in nature; this is where you undergo a rite of passage.

It is a combination of fun, quiet introspection and final celebration.

I owe a debt of gratitude to Joe Sigurdson of Boys to Men (www.boystomen.org) in shar-ing his knowledge and selfless and tireless work, that builds on a Fredrick Douglass quote, “It is easier to build strong children than repair broken men”, I thank and admire him.

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ROPE RIGHT OF PASSAGE EVENT

You have spent years with your son. Most of the lessons you wanted to teach, you have probably done so or modeled for him - whether good or bad. You realize there may be precious little time left to truly influence and guide.

A rite of passage is about your son reflecting on the boy he was, the man he wishes to be and combining that with a Father’s acknowledgement. Acknowledging that you see him becoming a man and see him as he is held accountable for his actions, his destiny and his coming responsibility to take care of others.

As a father, this process allows you to illuminate a roadmap to manhood and validate his current and transitioning status.

We take a modernized and personal approach to a centuries old tradition of young men experiencing a rite of passage into manhood. The older tribal rites of passage had five key steps:

(i) Separation from others Into the wilderness alone(ii) A descent into self and introspection Alone to face his fears(iii) An ordeal that challenges Often, to kill a fierce wild animal(iv) Integrates new beliefs that he is now a man He has triumphed the challenge and has earned the right, and in his mind’s eye, sees himself as having stepped over the threshold to manhood(v) Celebratory return

Note that we do not do this! Yet we model the concept and seek the same benefits.

Many of these ordeals are extreme. Yet by understanding the process and outcomes, we can achieve the same benefits in the mental journey.

The importance in his adolescence, either early or late, is that both of you see and acknowledge that he is in fact becoming a man – providing the space for that acknowledgement, lifting his confidence and self-esteem. But more importantly, this will allow him to reflect how he sees himself as becoming a man of substance.

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“An acorn becomes an oak tree only when nature, outside of the acorn itself acknowledges, nurtures and waters the acorn.”

It makes him a person who is able to hear the crowd, yet make conscious decisions whether to follow it or not; a man who makes sound decisions and reflects on his roles of responsibility; a man who knows that hard times come to us all as part of the journey, yet it is in our response to these times that determine our destiny one step at a time. The advantage of our rite of passage is a gift of this unique space and time to allow such thoughts and conversations to be held in a meaningful way and one that will last.

Advantages: - You and your son connect at a deeper level - He reflects on who he is now and the type of man he wishes to become - Improves self-esteem and sense of ‘self’ - Accepts new responsibility and accountability that comes with transitioning into manhood

Give yourself pause for self-reflection in your own journey in this time

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STEPS

Overview

We plan a weekend away camping in nature, and suggest Friday morning to Sunday mid-day, two nights away from home. It is an easy going fun time with three distinct elements: Separation - Transition - Acknowledgement.

By planning the setting, we separate ourselves from the chaos and noise of everyday life. In transitioning we use a process for him to reflect on who he is now and who he wishes to become. It ends with the acknowledgement that he has earned the right and that you see him as becoming a young man with an awesome future ahead of him, which is his responsibility to decide upon, mold and make a reality.

Step I Separation

Step II Transition - Reflection Who am I now? - Aspire Becoming the man I want to be!

Step III Acknowledgment You see him as a young Man, no longer a Boy

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"An angry father is most cruel towards himself."

~ Publilius Syrus

PLANNING

We plan a weekend away camping in nature, we suggest Friday morning to Sunday mid-day. This is often between 1 and 3 hours driving time. It is in nature with minimal outside distractions from other people. Camp next to a river or lake, hopefully surrounded by trees or mountains – as long as isolated, in nature and with no (or very, very few) people around. These are often found using simple Google research or asking people you know.

The right location adds significant value.

The date is set in advance, generally about a month or so, and is just for the two of you. You position the weekend with him excsluively:

- It is the reward the two of you discussed (see Actively Celebrating Together)

- He is becoming a young man and you want to spend sometime time alone together, and this is the best way you really want to spend it with him

- This is important to you, so you going to do the planning but let’s put it in the schedule, make sure it happens and lets have fun together (not necessary to share the detail or scheduled)

In the planning:

- Source and include the symbolic gift you wish to give him in the last evening (refer to Acknowledgement section of the weekend).

- Ensure all the camping is well planned and provisioned to prevent the focus from diverging to the process of the weekend. It should remain on point with the issues at hand.

- No cellphones, technology devices (consider a time window of 10 minutes at end of each day to check in for messages or emergencies) or distractions.

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SUGGESTED SCHEDULE OUTLINE

Friday Morning : Packing up Travelling Set-up camp

Lunch:

Afternoon: Activity together (hiking, fishing, shooting or bows)

Evening: Dinner and fire side & Life Steps

Saturday Morning: Breakfast Reflection (1 to 2 hours) Who am I now? Aspire (1 to 2 hours) Sort of Man I wish to be? Lunch Afternoon: Activity or relaxing together

Evening: Acknowledgement I see you as a young Man Dinner and fire side

Sunday Morning: Breakfast, Packing up Travelling

Life Steps, Reflection, Aspire and Acknowledgement are explained in detailed steps in the coming section.

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“A woman simply is, but a man must become. Masculinity is risky and elusive, and it is confirmed only by other men.”

~Camille Paglia

LIFE STEPS

Timing and Intent

Friday evening at the fireside before dinner.

The intent is to share and understand his life, but as it is experienced and remembered through his eyes. Although you may live together, it is interesting to see how he remembers the journey and shares it.The benefit here is a stronger bond but it also creates a new perspective that life is a journey and the process brings it out. We did not just arrive at this point out of nowhere.

Process

Next to the fire layout out several sticks (between 5 to 8) in the dirt approximately three feet apart (one big step) in a line.

The first step will represent his birth/first memory. Each big step to the next stick will represent an approximate time period (for him probably 2 years apart and for you probably about 7 years apart) – being exact is not important, it is in the framework and sharing where value is shared. It is like walking through your life in time lapse mode where you will step through your memories of your life and express the simple memory that rises to the surface when you were approximately the same age.

You go first to model the process

There is no planning or forethought. Stand on the first stick and say “This is my first memory after birth, I am now “x” (example 2 years) years old, and my first memory is….. Bring out your first memories of your life. These are simply what your mind musters up, what were you doing, thinking, feeling and what was going on around you – just feel as if you were back then. These can take from 1 to 5 minutes each. Once you have shared, step forward to the next stick. I am now 6 years old and what I am recalling is….and so you step through your life in years. Share what comes to your mind and emotions, fears, triumphs - feel and share these with the emotion you felt at the time.

Time is not important. Sometimes there are little memories or no particular feelings that are brought up for that time and you may spend less than a minute. For others there are more extreme emotions or memories and you may spend several minutes on that stick sharing.

Just enjoy and share.

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The key is for the person doing the Life Steps not to be interrupted at all by the other person! A dialogue of any form distracts the process of the person stepping through their life, this is a respectful process to the person who is sharing. Alcohol and distracting humor can reduce the value.

At the end, the other person may make clarifying questions but it is best not to ask, rebuke or add any other comment but rather say something like “Thanks for sharing, that was so insightful”. This fosters the ability to share and open up without fear of having to defend comments.

Once you are finished, ask your son to do the same.

When this ritual is complete, close the session by “That was so interesting to see the major events that you surfaced on your journey and letting me share my life steps, thank you”.

Later, or over dinner, you may want to steer the conversation towards one of the following: • What you have found it means being a man

• How you felt and how your transition was

• On tomorrow’s process; “…that we are going to both reflect on who we are now and what we wish to become; that this discussion is important to me and part of me seeing you grow into man.”

FATHERS IN MOTION

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“Live for today,dream of tomorrow, learn from yesterday.”

~Anonymous

THE FIRST TWO STEPS WE OUTLINE COMING UP ARE FOR REFLECTION ON WHO HE IS NOW AND THE SORT OF MAN HE WANTS TO BECOME.

WE SUGGEST A ROUTE OF QUIET INTROSPECTION AND ALONE TIME IN NATURE FOR SEVERAL HOURS WHEN GOING THROUGH THIS AS OUTLINED IN THE FOLLOWING SECTIONS.

THIS APPROACH MAKES THE DEEPEST IMPACT YET IF IT DOES NOT RESONATE WITH YOU, THEN BLEND THE REFLECTION INTO A PROCESS YOU CAN DO TOGETHER (FOR EXAMPLE, WHILE FISHING TOGETHER, USING THE SAME TECHNIQUE) INSTEAD OF SEPARATING FOR A FEW HOURS.

THE SECTION ALSO INCLUDES REFLECTIVE QUESTIONS AT VARIOUS STAGES. THE FOCUS IS NOT ON USING THESE AS QUESTIONS THAT ALL NEED ANSWERING, BUT RATHER ON READ-ING THEM AND IDENTIFYING THOSE THAT JUMP OUT OR RESONATE WITH YOU AND INCLUD-ING THEM IN YOUR REFLECTIVE THOUGHTS.

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REFLECTION

IntentA period of ‘descent into self’, of self-reflection, and then of sharing the major insights is intended to create AWARENESS:

- For him to be aware of those negative habits and wounds so that they can be viewed in order to see and heal them. To put these aside and do not carry them forward where they serve only to weaken his journey

- For him to be proud of what he has achieved and serve as a foundation that he will build upon going forward

- Sharing with you, opens and deepens the connection

How To IntroduceIntroduce as you feel comfortable yet ensure it is explicit so he understands the process. Consider conversing with him along the following lines:

“As you know, we spoke last night around the fire about today spending some time about where we are in our lives. I think we should break it into two halves. First consider who we are now and reflect and chat about this. Really trying to take stock of our journey up to now and who have we become, why don’t we ask ourselves the question “Who am I now?”. Then later we can reflect and chat about “who is the man I wish to become”. This may take us a few hours in total and we will spend some time together and some time apart. Follow me on this, no-one is judging or watching us and really want to spend this time for us to connect with ourselves. As you become a man, really understanding yourself and seeing yourself in perspective is fun, insightful and important. Let start…

The ProcessThere are five steps:

1. Share an opening reflection from your journey and model it for him2. Share reflective questions3. Spend time apart, alone time4. Come back to discuss and share5. Close the first session

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“Reflection is looking in so you can look out with a broader, bigger, and more accurate perspective.”

~Mick Uklejaand Robert Lorber

1. Share an opening reflection from your journey and model it for him

Explain that reflection is about getting in touch and understanding yourself. It is in an understanding brought about by self-reflection that you start to accept yourself more; increase your awareness and perspective, ultimately leading to better decisions. Share a story from your past when you were transitioning into manhood. Preferably one that is deeply personal for you and one that evokes emotion. It could be of a lesson learned, a wound healed, where if you knew then what you know now and had dealt with it at that stage, how positively that would or did impact your life. For example, a time where you had a significant event (betrayal of trust, level of shame or change in self worth) which you internalized and by not being aware, it remained inside you over the years like poison. Yet by self-reflection you could have challenged that “truth” and understood it was merely a perspective, and you could of put that down on the side of the road and not carry it around with you for many years. It had no positive value to your future journey. Or it could be of a time when you should of called “bull shit” on yourself. Or simply choose any story of yours that evokes emotion and you feel compelled by.

There is an anecdote of people carrying buckets of manure (their past) around with them, stopping on occasions to take some out and smearing it on themselves (reliving past wrongs or negative feelings) and then wondering why their lives stink!

By sharing something deep and close to you, of making yourself vulnerable, you are connecting, creating a safe space for him to share later and modeling for him – you need to share a strong personal story that moves you. This is the ultimate purpose here.

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2. Share reflective questions

The following pages contain a series of reflective questions. They do not need to be answered methodi-cally, and are simply designed for surface awareness. Discuss them generally with him, and use them as triggers for self reflection. Agree to part and then agree to meet back in about an hour.

3. Spend time apart, where you are each alone

We are both going to do this alone. You for yourself and him for himself. Share the process below with your Son. • Each take a copy of the reflective questions• Separate and go for a walk or find quiet space alone• Read the reflective questions, reflect and make notes and consider them deeply• Reflection is often ‘thinking without thinking’ – to try not rationally answer or force an answer in the

context of having to explain it later – of being gentle with yourself, go very quiet and let the question lie in your quiet mind for awhile, then observe the answers that tend to bubble up in your mind’s eye. Reflection is about being quiet and letting answers come to you, of not rationally constructing answers and being aware of how you will be perceived later when you discuss them!

• After about half an hour make short notes if required, then start moving on from the reflective questions to open ended Contemplation

• Contemplation is about being quiet and simply learning to listen to nature and to what is inside you. There is no series of questions you are seeking to answer but thinking of the journey to this point in your life and remaining still. As thoughts come up, gently hear them, then let them slide away to hear the silence again. Do not judge thoughts, do not try understand them, just see them and let them slip away. On the odd occasion you may find that a thought is actually a compelling insight, and you may briefly jot these down before returning to nature and the quiet space in your mind

This should last about another half an hour.

This is not easy but should be effortless!

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Reflective questions

How do I feel about myself in general and my life at the moment?

When others describe or think of me, they would think of me as…? When I think of or describe myself, I think of myself as …? To get others to like me or fit in, have I sold myself out in any area?

What triggers feelings of anger, sadness, shame or low sense of self worth? Why do I think that is? Where did it first start or where does it come from? Are these repeated negative thoughts or wounds from a specific past event? Will my life be better or worse if I carry it around going forward? What stops me from acknowledging it then putting it away from hanging around my life any longer if it is not going to serve me? Where do I really need to forgive myself and let myself off the hook to make room for my future growth?

Is life about getting as many achievements, or as much material stuff, as possible? What other things are important, or what life lessons, have I learned so far?

Where is my life out of balance? If there is just one problem or issue that I could put behind me once and for all, what is it?

What is most important to me? What are my values? What is effective and works for me? What drives me? What thoughts do I spend my energy on? What can I do to stay passionate? How can I help others become passionate? How will I nurture my enthusiasm to keep the flame strong?

In what ways am I limiting myself and my potential? How do I explain procrastination or not getting ahead, what is my ‘story’ that I sell to myself?

What am I good at, what do I love to do? What are my greatest accomplishments or where I have been acknowledged? What gives me feelings of being proud? Do I keep my goals in mind when deciding how to spend my time? Do my friendships help or hinder me in reaching my goals? Does my family come first in my life, do they know this?

Do I see myself as a boy, as a man or in transition? How does that make me feel?

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The preceding reflective questions are focused on his transition and where he is now as an adolescent. If you wish to deepen the experience, we have included additional reflective questions below. They are more appropriate for you, as a fathers, as you move further down their life journey and we encourage you to use these for yourself, in addition to the questions on the previous page, when you reflect.

REFLECTIVE QUESTIONS AS A FATHER

What is special about him and what do you see as his positive traits?

What are the important qualities you would like to see him have as he grows up to be a man?

What have you wanted to teach him about life lessons and being a man?

How would it feel if you got on better and had a deeper bond, now and many years from now?

What would be the impact if you watched him grow into a wise, balanced, successful and caring man?

How do I get the most out of this weekend for both of us?

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“How would I want him to treat a young lady if he chooses to end a relationship.”

WHAT ARE THE IMPORTANT QUALITIES I HAVE BY MY ACTIONS SHOWN HIM AS A FATHER AND ROLE MODEL?

Although I always want him to do better, I tell him that he is fine as he is and does not need to earn my love and respect

Lead by actions and not just words

I enthusiastically participate

Bring a lightness and fun to family life with discipline and boundaries being calmly and fairly meted out

Not over-react to events but balanced responses

Encourage that we all eat dinner as a family each evening and I am aware of how I conduct myself at the dinner table, listening more than talking

Am an active listener, focusing on the other person and how they feel, not rushing to share only my thoughts and stories

I first seek to understand, then be understood. We talk

Show respect to others in my words and body language, I do not talk over others or cut their sentences short in conversation. I do not listen just to find where I can insert my story

I do not shout or lose control, cuss or swear inappropriately

We do not talk badly about others and defend others when they are not there to defend them-selves

Look after my health, diet and have an exercise or sport regime. I lead by example

We trust and see the good in others

I have a passion or goal in my life that I share with the family and have a plan on how to get there

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Show financial responsibility

Role modeling my views on smoking, drinking and substance abuse

I am consistent and arrive home when I am expected or say I will be

No-one in my family questions where I am or what I am doing as my actions have given them this comfort –I have given them reason to trust me

Bring a fullness of the appreciation of life and fun actively into the family environment

I encourage way more than I criticize. I criticize rarely and then only constructively and not when he is in front of others

I appropriately channel sexual energy

I hug him and say goodnight to him in his bed at the end of every day. He sees me hug and flirt with his Mom

We manage TV time, it does not manage us

I attend to how I look and hold myself

I demonstrate the ability to balance time – work, family time and events

I keep and am impeccable with my word

How would I want himto conduct himself whenfaced with an aggressive,violent guy

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Reflective questions about where you are on your personal journey, beyond that role of being a Father:

What other roles do I play in my life? Which create pleasure and which create pain for me? Do I embrace change? Are there things in my life that are crying for change? How has change helped me grow in the past years?

Am I interested in hearing the truth from the people I love? Am I building strong relationships on a foundation of honesty? Do I take the time to share and listen rather than expect people to read my mind?

How have my beliefs been different from those around me? How have my firm convictionsmade me stronger or weaker? Have I been listening to that voice of truth within?

Do I invest in my own health and well-being? Do I recognize the additional energy available to me when I exercise my body and mind? Do I allow myself enough rest to be open to the creative impulses that cross my path?

Do I nurture peace or tension? How do I respond when I feel tension rising? How can I set up opportunities to relax and return to my naturally calm state?

Do I have clear times set aside for work and play? Do I respect my time boundaries? Which of my tasks can I cancel or delegate in order to dedicate more attention to things I love?

In what ways do I foster calm in my life? Do I allow my fear of negative thoughts to keep my mind too busy for my own good? Why?

When was the last time I felt really alive? When was the last time I felt down and out? What will I do about it next time? What do I feel like after I exercise and take care of myself? Aside from a decision, what is stopping me from reaching my health goals?

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Do I let events quickly become a crisis? Have I practiced pushing the calm button? Have I remained focused on solutions or do I get swept up in an emotional response?

In what areas do I limit myself with unrealistic expectations? Do I allow myself to be "under construction" or are my expectations hurting me in some way? How do I respond when I make a mistake?

What is the greatest source of stress in my life? What are my physical signs of stress? What will I do about it today? How will I positively think through issues or habits that can help me deal with stress? When do I feel the most calm and peaceful ? How can I invite more peaceful moments into my life?

What are my healthiest habits? How have I created new positive habits? How can I turn an unhealthy habit into a positive one?

What areas have I defined as successful? How does my success make me feel? How have I celebrated my small successes along the way?

Have I let frustrations and other obstacles get in the way of loving unconditionally? Have I held expectations before extending love? Have I accepted the love of others?

Do I savor each moment of each day? Am I mindful that each day I have an opportunity to enjoy life? How can I create an outstanding good moment today?

How do I exceed expectations at work? Do I treat my time at work with the respect it deserves? How am I taking advantage of the opportunity to learn and develop my skills?

What is my primary objective in my life? What goals am I meeting regularly? How might I challenge myself to do – and be – more?

Which of my current qualities is the result of a lesson learned from a mistake? How can I capitalize or make an opportunity out of my current life challenges?

When faced with a task, do I first break it down into bite-sized chunks, or do I get overwhelmed? Am I open to asking for the help that I need to reach my full potential?

What goals have I had in life? Which dreams have I given up on?

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“The first step to success is understanding yourself”

4. Come back to discuss and share

Your quiet reflection will give you the value. In the sharing however, let him do this part as this is his time. “Share with me what you learned about yourself in the last hour”.…then let him talk. Use the same active listening skills in Unit 6:

- Conditions of Respect, Confidentiality and Acceptance - Skills of Accept, Listen, Understand and Guide

In truth, he is sharing with you what he has learned or discovered about himself. Do not judge, just accept and listen. Do not construct replies, logic or arguments. Do not try steer the discussion in a particular direction or even express your opinion of what you are hearing. Let him talk, this may be as short or as long as he requires. Simply indicate that you are listening and understanding him. At most, ask him short questions so that he continues to express “why do you think that is …..how does that make you feel…that is insightful….”

5. Close the first session

Understand that there is no conclusion. He has spent quiet time alone exploring who he is and has shared this with you. If you feel he has not gone deep enough or explored a specific issue that you expected him to surface, that is fine. Just leave it alone, you can always do this at a later stage when the weekend is complete. “What you shared with me was great and insightful. I am really grateful you shared this and think you have matured to a place where you can see yourself in perspective and with confidence. [if appropriate “I see you see the importance of accepting yourself and the forgiveness and letting go of past wounds, that is a big step forward”]. Well done! Let’s take a break and move onto the next half after we grab a drink, but before we do this, what is your sense of what you have just been through in the past hour?”

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ASPIRE

Intent

In his mind’s eye he is stepping over the threshold into manhood. This is a period of quiet reflection of the type of man he aspires to, or wants to become. Here is what is happening:

- Confidence that he can define a future outline of his aspirations and that you will take the time to listen to him

- A positive future vision of self as you enter manhood aids in creating internal strength and resolve; you see yourself as the man you want to become

- Sharing with you opens and deepens the connection

He starts being a man, when he truly sees himself as the man he wants to become!

How To Introduce

Introduce as you feel comfortable, but suggest it clearly so he understands the process. Consider the following approach:

“We have gone through a process of exploring who we are now. Of quietly getting a sense of who we are, which thoughts no longer serve us and we have put aside. That life gives us a clean slate if we choose it as we become men, to absolutely choose the type of man we wish to be. We are going to ask ourselves the question “Who do I want to be? What is the type of man I want to be, and will I become?”. If you choose to follow a path, it may be difficult, but have no doubt that you will get there. Again, follow me on this, and remember that no-one is judging or watching us. As you become a man, really determining your destiny, and not what others say you must do, you will gain a clear vision of who you are and who you want to become. It actually begins right here, should we start….

The Process

There are five steps:1. Set the background2. Spend time apart, alone time3. Come back to discuss and share4. Close the second half session

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“Winning is easy, it is deciding to become a winner that is hard.”

~Flint Patterson

1. Set the background

Explain to him that what you choose to become, you will become. As Charles Reade said “Sow a thought, and you reap an act; Sow an act, and you reap a habit; Sow a habit, and you reap a character; Sow a character, and you reap a destiny”. As I see you becoming a man, we are going to spend a short time planting your seeds. Before someone can begin a new journey, they must reclaim their passion and enthusiasm. They must reclaim their power back, often including forgiving oneself and putting issues of the past behind you. Recognizing that people, thoughts and habits that do not support you when you are seeking the life you were meant to live, are best left behind in the boyhood chapter rather than destructively following you into your transition to being a man.

2. Spend time apart, alone time

Agree to spend about half to one hour alone and with your own thoughts. Walk in nature, go quiet and consider the one question (as Dad, I suggest you do the same for yourself as well):

Who is the man I wish to become, the ideal ME? The Man I will become.

The answer should not be a series of logical descriptions driven from what society has taught us. But quietly allow your inner self, while contemplating this question, to conceive of the answers in your consciousness – for the ideal man you wish to be, that suits YOU. Mentally think through an overall vision of the Future You, describing the various traits you desire (they are endless, yet are highly personal and a few are included in the following pages) in as much detail as possible.

How do these words make you feel? Why do you want these attributes.

Which is the one, or the few, key traits that will define your personal value system?

Let go of structure and let your mind flow with passion and excitement of who you wish to be, why you wish to be that, and a conviction to mold yourself into the man you want to be! Play with what you wish to have or own, but focus more on who you will become as a Man.

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TRAITS:

Inspiring Action Oriented Bold

Courageous Dependable Fun Loving

Trustworthy Spiritual Spontaneous

Consistent Diligent Quiet

Learned Wise Moral

Optimist Powerful Persistent

Thoughtful Good Looking Honest

Achiever Ethical Lovable

Leader Kind Enthusiastic

Well Mannered Compassionate Self-control

Word Is His Bond Decision Oriented Sympathetic

Confident Contributor Expert

Fair Lucky Widely Read

Modest Teacher Innovative

Loving Happy Intuitive

Spirited Resilient His Own Path

Calm Successful Patriotic

Accepting Caring Cheerful

Dignified Energetic Giving

Helpful Protector Intelligent

Logical Organized Relaxed

Assertive Witty Proud

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“In the long run you hit only what you aim at, therefore AIM HIGH!”

~ Henry David Thoreau

3. Come back to discuss and share

“You are not a boy who will one day become a man. You start right now as you are crossing from being a boy into being a young man. What type of man do you want to become?”Do not interrupt and let him speak. Encourage him to share his mental model of what he would like to be as an ideal man, and wait for his dreams and his aspirations to take hold. What traits would he have, what would he look like, what sort of job and family and ……the key is to encourage passion and enthusiasm for him to ignite a flame (it might just be barely a flicker at the first encounter) within of who he can become and not who you or others tell him he should be. Simply nurture and encourage his thoughts along him sharing with you, with what ever he wishes to be.

4. Close the second half session

There is no conclusion. You have challenged him to envision himself and now this becomes the start of a process that will be with him long after the weekend is over. “That was superb. I have no doubt that what you see yourself becoming, you will achieve. You have no idea how proud I am of you at this moment, and of the privilege of being able to watch you grow into the man that you have determined you will be. Well done! I think we have done enough for today and this sharing has exceeded my expectations. Thank you. Lets have a break for lunch and then go do {activity}.”

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ACKNOWLEDGEMENT

Intent

It is with the benefit of time spent and the process, where you have the opportunity to acknowledge your love for him and that you now see him as a young man and no longer a boy.

To him this is incredibly important and a result of the culmination of many things.

The Acknowledgement

Around the fire just before dinner. Try cover the following (i) thanking him (ii) perspective that we are part of a line of men in our family (iii) validation of pride and love for who he is (iv) I now see you as a man (v) wish to give you a symbol of how I see you as you have moved into manhood and (vi) hug. Acknowledge him as you see fit and the words that suit you, yet as an example:

“I wanted to thank you for the day and the time we have spent this weekend. It was really important to me. Understanding that you and I are at the end of a long line of men and our fathers that have come before us, our lineage has come down to you and me. At some time in the future, it will be up to you and your son.”

“I must tell you, that I see you for who you are. I am proud of you and love you deeper than you will ever know.”

“I am so used to seeing you as a boy but now you are a young man. I look forward to the pride I will feel as I see you growing into the man you want to become and being the type of man who faces and deals with life’s challenges.”

“I brought a small gift and wanted to give this to you. This represents in a small way how proud I am of you as you step over the threshold into being a man.” [give him a symbolic gift and a HUGE hug!] Well done young Man!”

Note: symbolic gifts may vary yet they are to be selected on their ability to endure and what it says about one man to another, or a Father to a Son. Consider a heirloom your father gave you, or a masculine symbol such as a knife, a watch or something you know he would really treasure.

FATHERS IN MOTION

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One night a father overheard his son pray“Dear God, make me the kind of man my Daddy is”

Later that night, the father prayed“Dear God, make me the kind of man my Son wants me to be”

~Anonymous

guide unit 7

Documents

rite of passage twostep

good time

defined period of time

weekly activity

copyright fathers

shared activity

normal activity

defined process