grief management and buddhist...

Grief

Management

and Buddhist

Psychotherapy

Prof. Wasantha Priyadarshana

Grief and Modern Grief Counselling

Common emotion

Natural response to loss

Natural emotion

An experience when one is parted from what’s dear

Death of loved ones : main cause of most intense type of grief

Causes of Grief

Death

Relationship breakup

Loss of health

Loss of job

Loss of safety after a trauma

Miscarriage

Illness

Retirement

Complexity of Grief

Intense longing and yearning for the deceased

Intrusive thoughts or images of loved one

Denial of death/sense of disbelief

Illusion that your loved one is still alive

Searching for the deceased in familiar places

Extreme anger or bitterness over loss

Feeling that life is empty or meaningless

Myths about Grief

Starting new life means you have forgotten your loss

Be strong to deal with loss

Grieving will last about a year

Ignoring grief and it will go away faster

If you don’t grieve, you are not sorry about the loss

Grief and Buddhist Psychotherapy

Aims

To understand grief caused by death

To understand grief counselling process based on Buddhist

Psychotherapy

Types of Grief in Buddhism

Soka

Parideva

Domanassa

Upāyāsa

(Sources: Saccavibhangasutta (MN), Dhammacakkapavattanasutta (SN))

Soka

It is the grief, sorrow, sorrowfulness, inward grief, the inner pain of

one visited by some kind of calamity or other, smitten by some kind

of ill or other (Saccavibhangasutta, MN)

Parideva

It is the crying, the wailing, the act of crying, the act of wailing, the

state of crying, the state of wailing of one visited by some calamity

or smitten by some kind of ill or other

Domanassa

It is mental suffering, mental disagreeableness arising from an impingement

on the mind experienced as suffering as disagreeableness

Upāyāsa

It is despondency, despair, the state of despondency, the state of

despair of one visited by some calamity or other, smitted by some

kind of ill or other (Saccavibhangasutta, MN)

Psychology of Grief

Grief: Born of Affection

Four householder, grief, sorrow, suffering, lamentation and despair

are born of affection or originate in affection for children, spouse,

parents, lovers (Piyajātika Sutta, MN)

Grief: Born of Desire

Not getting what one desires, that too is anguish

Desire (lobha)

Grief: Born of Grasping (???)

Grief is the five groups of grasping that one anguish

Saccavibhangasutta – Grasping (upādāna)

Psychology of Grief

Desire (Survival tendency)

Survival Tendency

tanhā (craving)

chanda (impulse)

rāga (Passion)

nandi (Enjoyment)

sineha (love)

pipāsā (thirst)

Psychology of Grief

Desire (tanhā)

Bhavatanhā (craving for self-preservation)

Self, continuity, personal immortality, self-assertation, self-display, self-

respect

Vibhavatanhā (craving for annihilation)

Moha (fundamental misknowledge)

Vipallāsa (distortion of view)

Grief Disorders: Part 1

From Piyajātika Sutta

Cases

1. Father whose son died – No desire to work, eat, keeps going everyday to

the cemetery crying out “where have you done my little one”

2. Daughter whose mother died – Since her passing away (the mother), she

(the daughter) unbalanced and unhinged, went from street to street, from

crossroad to crossroad, crying, “Have you not seen my mother? Have you

not seen my mother?”


Cases

3. A certain woman went to her relation’s family. Those relations of hers having

forcibly taken her from her husband, desired to give her to another, but she

did not want him.

Then, the woman spoke thus to her husband, “Those relations of mine,

master, having forcibly taken me from you, want to give me to another, but I

do not want him.” Then that man, having cut that woman in two, thinking “we

will both come to be hereafter destroyed himself.”


From Sokasallaharanasutta (AN)

Cases

4. Bhaddā, the dear and beloved Rūni of Rāja Muṇḍa died, and because of

the loss of his dear Rūni Bhaddā, he neither bathed nor anointed himself nor,

partook of any good, nor concerned himself with nay affairs, by day and night

clung in grief to her body as tho.ugh a swoon.


Case

Friend, Piyaka, place the body of Rūni in an oil vessel made of iron

and cover it over with another iron vessel so that we shall see her body longer


One who has strong desire in his character experiences the

perpetual suffering and dejection that are born of desire (AN II 149)

Grief Disorders

He who is overwhelmed by desire plans his harm and others’, and

the harm of both, he performs immoral acts in deeds, words andthought. He cannot understand, as it really is, his own profit, that of

others, or that of both desire is the cause of blindness, of not seeing,

of not knowing, of loss of understanding It is associated with trouble

and not lead to nibbāna

Effects of Grief

Effects are on several levels:

Behavorial domain (verbal and physical functions)

Emotional domain

Cognitive domain

Spiritual domain

Behavorial Patterns

Disturbed sleep

Social withdrawals

Crying

Neurotic responses to old possession

Absent-mindedness

Searching out, calling out

Restless overactivity

Grief: Physical Reactions

Fatigue

Nausea

Lower Immunity

Weight Loss

Weight Gain

Aches and Pain

Insomnia

Tightness in chest

Tightness in throat

Hollow feeling in stomach

Grief: Emotional Reactions

Sadness

Anger

Guilt

Anxiety

Loneliness

Shock

Fear

Grief: Cognitive Reactions

Depression

Obsessions

Confession vipallāsa (distortions), perceptions, thoughts, views

Hallucination

Disbelief

Dhammatherapy (dhammapatikāra)

In Pali suttas, Buddha has been described as

Bhisakko (peerless physician)

Sallakatto (supreme surgery)

Bhisakko For counselling

Sallakutto For Psychotherapy

Buddhism and Counselling

Counselling : For less disturbed people, and deals with conscious

problems regarding single issue focus

Thorne, P. Psychotherapy and Counselling: The Quest for Difference (224)

Buddhist Counselling

Client (Tissa)“Friends, it is as if my body is dragged. I’ve lost my bearings. Things aren’t clear to me, my mind keeps being overwhelmed by sloth and torpor. I lead the holy life dissatisfied. I have uncertainty about the teaching.’’

BuddhaRejoice, Tissa, Rejoice, Tissa. I am here to advise you (ovādena), I have to assist you (anugyahena), I am here to instruct you (anusāsāniyāti)(Tissa Sutta, SN)

Buddhist Counselling & Personality Types

PersonalityMental

TendencyHumours Treatment Focus

Rāga Desire Phlegm Ten unpleasant objects (asubhā-s) and

mindfulness of body

Dosa Hatred Bile Four sublime abodes (brahmavihāras) and four vaṇṇakasinā-s

Moha Delusion Air Mindfulness on in-and-out-breathing

Saddhā Desire Phlegm Six kinds of recollection (anussati)’

Recollection of Buddha, doctrines, his

noble disciples morally and liberalizing

Buddhi Hatred Bile Recollection of death

Recollection of peace of nibbana

Analysis of four elements

Vitakka Delusion Air Mindfulness on in-and-out breathing

Buddhism and

Psychotherapy

Sallakatta (Great Psychotherapist)

Psychotherapy: For more disturbed who exhibit less apparent

constellations of problems

- Thorne, P. Psychotherapy and Counselling: The Quest for Difference (244-248)

Buddhist Psychotherapy

Surgery Psychotherapy

Wound Six internal sense media (abnormal

behaviours and psychological problems)

Poison Ignorance (lack of awareness of problems

and their causes)

Arrow Craving (proximate cause)

Probe Mindfulness

Knife Noble Discernment

Surgeon Psychotherapist (Buddha)

Therapeutic Foundation

Past Future

Present

Application

Skills and Ethics

Listening (sutā)

Retention (dhatā)

Memorizing (vacasāparicitā)

Visualizing (manasānupekkitā)

Comprehension (cittiyasuppatividdhā)

Noble Catharsis (Ariyavirecanna)

Feelings (vedanā)

Perception (saññā)

Reflection (vitakka)

Disposition (saṅkhāra)

Proliferation (papañca)

Consciousness (viññānam)

Meditation

Behaviouraltransformation (sila)

Mental development (samādhi)

Cognitive transformation (vipassanā)

(sampajannamanosamkhāra / asampajannamanosamkhāra)

Noble Vomitting (ariyavaman)

Noble Purgatory (ariyavirecana)

Let the client cry

Client should be given enough time in counselling session to purge emotions (Maṭṭakundati Jataka Story)

Spiritual Transformation

Concepts Sources

Kamma

Tirokuḍḍa

Vimānavatthu

Petavatthu

Jataka StoriesCullakammavibhaṅga Sutta

Mahākammavibhaṅga Sutta

Punabbhava

Puñña

Pāpa

Petu (departed)

Deva (gods)

Kammatherapy

Beings are owners of kamma, heirs to kamma, born in kamma, bound by kamma, have kamma as their refuge. It is kamma that

differentiates beings

- Cullakammavibhaṅga Sutta, The Discourse of the Lesser Analysis of Kamma

Kammatherapy

Kamma Results

Bad Kamma Bad Results

Good Kamma Good Results

Bad Kamma Good Results

Good Kamma Bad Results

Mahākammavibhaṅga Sutta (The Discourse of the Greater Analysis of Kamma) - --

Punabhava (Re-becoming)

Disengagement and New Life

The Griever

The departed

RebecomingNew Life

Atta

ch

me

nt

Lady Ubbari’s Tears

Buddha: Why are you crying?

Lady Ubbari: I am crying for my daughter, sir.

The Buddha: In this cemetery, 84,000 daughters of yours have

been burnt. For which one are you crying?

Question: Should Lady Ubbari’s attachment to daughter be stopped?

Visāka’s Tears

The Buddha: Why are you here at unseasonable time with hand

and hair wet (with tears)?

Visāka: Sire, my dearly loved grandson is dead.

The Buddha: Are there sons and grandsons in proportion to the

number of men in this Sāvatthi?

Visāka: Yes sire.

The Buddha: And how many men of this Sāvatthi die daily?

Visāka: Sometimes 10, sometimes 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 dying

in Sāvatthi, there is no lack, sire.

Visāka’s Tears

Buddha: What do you think, have you found at anytime or anywhere,men whose garments have been unwetted (by tears), whosehair has been unwetted (by tears)

Visāka: Not so, sire, how is that possible with so many sons andgrandsons?

Buddha: Those, Visāka, who have a hundred dear ones, have a hundredsorrows. Those who have ninety, ninety sorrow… Those whohave one dear, one sorrow… Those who have no dear ones, forthem there is no sorrow.

No dears, No sorrow!

Attachment to Deceased

Transference of Merits

Sources about the departed

Patavatthupāli (Stories of the departed)

Vimanavatthupāli (Stories of the Mansions)

Tirokudda (The Discourse of the onsire the wall)

Jataka Stories

The Deceased as Petas (Hungry Ghosts)

Petas in one of five destinies

Petas as Pa + √ i (to go) meaning “gone”, “past”, “gone before”

Monk: Your body is very smelly. You are surrounded by flies. You

standing there, who are you?

Peta: I am a departed one. I have done an evil deed as a human and have been reborn in the world of ghosts.

- Petavatthupāli

Grieving: Does not Help the Departed

Weeping, sorrow and lamentation will not benefit departed relatives in any way. They will remain in the ghost world no matter

how much we cry.

- Petavatthupāli


(Spiritual Transformation)

“I cannot receive what is given by your hand directly to mine. Butwithin your group there is a lay follower of the supreme Buddha who

is very faithful towards him and his teaching. Offer him the cloak

and share the merits with me. Then I will be happy and have all the

comforts.”


(Spiritual Transformation)

Just as water falling on highlands reaches down to the lowlands

even so what is given here accrues to the departed ones

Just as swollen rivers fill the ocean full even so what is given here

accrues to the departed ones

- Tirokuḍḍa Sutta

Cognitive Transformation

Mindfulness of death (maranānussati)

Case of a father who practises mindfulness on death at son’s funeral

One day while he was working with his son in the field, the latter was stung

by a snake and died on the spot. The father was not one bit perturbed. He

just carried the body to the foot of a tree, covered it with a cloak, neither

weeping nor lamenting and resumed his plowing unconcerned.


Later he sent word home, through a passer-by, to bring one parcel of food

instead of two for the midday meal, and to come with perfumes and

flowers. When the message was received, his wife knew what it meant, but

she too did not give way to expressions of grief. Neither did her daughter

nor her daughter-in-law nor the maid servant. As requested they all went

with perfumes and flowers to the field, and a most simple cremation took

place, with no weeping.


Sakka, the chief of gods, came down to earth and proceeding to

the place where a body was burning upon a pile of firewood,inquires from those standing around whether they were roasting the

flesh of some animal when they replied, “It is no enemy but our own

son”. Then he could not have been a son dear to you,” said Sakka.

“He was very dear son,” replied the father. “Then,” asked Sakka,

“why do you not weep?”


Here are replies of family members:

Father

“Man quits his moral frame, when joy in life is past. Even as a snake is won its worn out slough to cast.

No friend’s lament can touch the ashes of the dead.

Why should I grieve? He fares the way he had to tread.”

Mother“Uncalled he hither came, unbidden soon to go.

Even as he came he went, what cause is here for woe? No friends’ lament can touch the ashes of the dead.

Why should I grieve? He fares the way he had to tread.


Sister“Though I should fast and weep, how would it profit me?

My Kith and Kin alas would more unhappy be.

No friends, lament can touch the ashes of the dead.

Why should I grieve? He fares the way he had to tread.”

Wife

“As children cry in vain to grasp the moon above

So mortals idly mourn the loss of those they love.No friends’ lament can touch the ashes of the dead

Why should I grieve? He fares the way he had to tread.’’

Cognitive Transformation(con’t)

Maid

“A broken pot of earth, ah who can piece again?

So too, to mourn the dead in mough but labor vain

Oh friends, lament can touch the ashes of the dead.

Why should I grieve? He fares the way he had to tread


From Maṭṭa-kundali Jataka Story

Father:

“From the time of his son’s death, the brahmin would go to the

cemetery and make his moan, walking around the heap of ashes and

leaving undone all his duties.”

“The brahmin heard the sound and looked, and full of the love which

he bore his son, stop before him, saying, “My son, dear lad, why do

you stand mourning in the midst of this cemetery?”


The questions he asked his son are in the following stanza:

Father“Why in the woodland art thou standing here

Begarlanded, with earrings in each earFragrant of sandal, holding out thy hands?

What sorrow makes the drop the falling tear?

The youth

“Made of fine gold and shining brilliantly

My chariot is, wherein I use to lie:

For this a pair of wheels I cannot findTherefore I grieve so sore that I must die”


Brahmin

“Golden, or set with jewels, any kind

Brazen or silver, hat thou hast in mind

Speak but the word, a chariot shall be madeAnd I thereto a pair of wheels will find

The Youth“Brothers up yonder are the moon and Sun

By such a pair of wheels as yonder train

My golden car new radiance hath won”


Brahmin

“Though art a fool for this that thou hast done

To pray for that which should be craved by none

Methinks, you sir, thou needs must perish soon. For thou will never get or moon or Sun”

The youth“Before our eyes they set and rise

colour and course unfailing

None sees a ghost: then which is

now more foolish in his wailing?”

Brahmin“Of us two mourners, O most sapient youth

I am the greater fool – thou sayest truth

In craving for a spirit from the dead

Like a child crying for the moon, in sooth”


Thank youLiberation

No Dear

No Pain

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