gods book revised- bill tucker

7/27/2019 Gods Book Revised- Bill Tucker

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MiraclesMade Possible

by

William Thomas Tucker

An Autobiographical Discovery of God

with anIntroduction

by

Neale Donald WalschAuthor of the

Conversations With Godseries and related boos

copyright, William Thomas Tucker, 2001

CONTENTS


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Chapter

1. Children Know about God

2. Being of the World, Without God

. !inding God

". The !or#ula for Getting $ira%le&

'. (ow to Get $ira%le&

). Getting $ira%le& for the *&+ing andBelieing

-. *%tuall Getting What /ouBelieve

0. !ear n3oe& $ira%le&

4. 5iing $ira%ulou&l

16. *ll 7eople Can (ae $ira%le&

11. The 7ropertie& of $ira%le&

12. Belieing in $ira%le& $a+e The# So

1. The Se%ret of 5ife

1". (ow We (urt Our $ira%le&

1'. $ira%le& 8e9uire Ba%+ward Thin+ing

1). $ Greate&t $ira%le

1-. 8e#inder& for Getting $ira%le&

Epilogue

!O8W*83


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This book is dedicated to all of the self-identified theists! and gnostics!,"ho, "hile claiming to either deny the e#istence of $od, or claim not to kno" one "ay oranother, are sometimes more in league "ith $od than e%en they reali&e, and sometimesare more in league "ith $od and 'is "ishes than those "ho profess faith( ) ha%e been

there, but "as a"akened by a series of other"ise une#plainable e%ents that pro%ed thee#istence, and lo%e, of the great ) m!, to me( The ensuing story "ithin these pagesrecounts that *ourney and the re%ealing of $od as it happened, the "ay it happened, sothat you, too, may e#perience the understanding! as it unfolded to me( The ultimateresult, hopefully, "ill be that the proofs and lessons to be learned "ithin these pages "illact to spur you along your o"n similar *ourney(((back to the bosom of $od from "hence"e all came( nd, further, that you "ill come to ultimately reali&e that you, too, can ha%eanymiracle you desire from $od(((on demand(

+f course, elie%ers!, as "ell, are in%ited to come closer to $od through sharingthe uniue e#periences described "ithin this book(

The purpose of this book is to relate a series of the author.s life e#periences thatpro%ed to him, beyond a shado" of a doubt, in not only the existenceof $od, but 'isproacti%e role in our e%eryday, modern li%es( /urther, it is the hope and belief of theauthor that by so sharing these %ery personal e%ents, the reader "ill come to a ne", orrene"ed, belief in $od to enrich their li%es(

$od e#ists +f that, ) no longer ha%e any doubt( Those "ho doubt ha%e only toreach out to $od and ask $od to re%eal $od.s elf in their li%es sk, and you shallrecei%e( 'o"e%er, as it "ill become painfully clear, this is the most difficult thing for anyman, "oman, or child to do, although far less difficult for the child( )t is difficult becauseit ignites3triggers a fundamental fear in mankind( The fear! is that if it turns out thatthere really is no $od!4then "e are truly all alone( nd, the fear of that is almostde%astating( etter to not kno", than to be disappointed( )f it "ere other"ise, this book,and others like it, "ould not be necessary(

Within these pages, you shall read of multiple representati%e e#amples of $odproacti%ely blessing 'is children -- us - "ith 'is beneficence through real-life miracles(5iracles!, in the true sense of the "ord, meaning happenstances that can be e#plainedno other "ay( /or our first understanding ofA Miracle, "hich "ill e%ol%e in definition asthe story unfolds, are great big "indfalls!( n une#plainable healing! of the physicalbody, "ould be one e#ample, or the receipt of millions of dollars simply for the asking, orany of a myriad of "onderful e%ents, both large and small, and in bet"een(

) ask not for your faith( To begin, ) ask you to accept nothing ) say "ithoutuestion(( 6lease, be skeptical( 7hallenge any theory!, any statement, anything ande%erything is open to your scrutiny( /or only you can decide "hat you belie%e, "hat youbelie%e in, and "hat you choose to belie%e, or not belie%e, relati%e to $od.s e#istence4ornon-e#istence( ) "ill sho" ho" ) ha%e come to see the proof.s of $od.s e#istence allaround us( Whether you choose to look at them, analy&e them for "hat they are, and


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come to grips "ith them, or turn a"ay, unseeing, is your business( 'o"e%er, if you ha%enot seen them in the past, the problem may be that you ha%e not kno"n "here or ho" tolook( 5aybe the ans"er, for you, lies "ithin((((

n analogy is, perhaps, appropriate here( To me, $od is like electricity( )t.s

al"ays there, all around you, in the "alls of your home, "aiting silently to ser%e( 8oucan.t see it( 8ou can.t taste it, nor touch it( )f someone totally unfamiliar "ith electricity"ere to enter your home, you "ould ha%e trouble e#plaining the concept of electricity,and much trouble pro%ing that it actually e#isted in your "alls, unseen and unfelt as it is(The only "ay you could possiblyproveto your %isitor, that it is there, "ould be todemonstrate its effects( 8ou could plug a lamp into the "all, and turn it on!( The lightbla&ing forth "ould ama&e your %isitor, "ould it not9 They still "ould not reallyunderstand electricity, but the effect of light "ould pro%e that some unseen and po"erful7ause is there and at "ork( They could no longer doubt its e#istence(

) think $od is like that( ) ha%e come to reali&e that $od is

here(((there(((e%ery"here((( "aiting to ser%e you and me( We busy oursel%es, e%ery day,"ith earthly concerns( We go to "ork, "e interact "ith our families or friends, "e shop,pay bills, dri%e places, and abo%e all "e ha%e our *obs and our businesses( That.s "hy "ecall it busy-ness!( We stay busy( ut, ha%e you e%er considered "hat $od.s *ob is9What $od.s busy-ness is9

What $od does all day9 8ou ha%e heard the ans"er many times through manylanguages, through many religions, in many books, and many cultures( That ans"er hasne%er changed( $od is busy performing miracles, upon reuest or expectationfor billionsof people all o%er the planet e%ery day( We "on.t see them, though, if "e don.t ask forthem, and believein them, or look for them, or ackno"ledge them, or accredit them(

)t is in the expectationthat :nbelie%ers also get miracles from $od( +h, )understand that they don.t credit $od "ith the happy result of their luck!(((but $od isn.tnecessarily looking for credit lines( $od has made mankind a promise, and $od alwaysli%es up to 'is promises $od promises that 'e "ill ans"er allprayers that arefirstbelieved in4and the ans"er is neverNo!(

) recogni&e that e%en a %ery faithful! person may sometimes make a reuest of$od, and not ha%e it fulfilled( Despite the miraculous e%ents that ) relate in this book,that happens to me regularly( When that happens, "e are perple#ed( 'o" could thisbe9! "e ask oursel%es( The ob%ious ans"er -- that $od does not e#ist and is only afigment of mankind.s collecti%e imagination -- is too horrible to e%en consider( o, theremust be a better e#planation as to "hy $od has let us do"n(

5any representati%es of faiths, "hen pressed for an ans"er, they also do not ha%ean ans"er to, make up a logical! ans"er( ome declare, That is the supernaturalmystery!, "hile others announce, The mind of man is too feeble to be able tounderstand the mind of $od!, "hile still others rationali&e, $od doesans"er allprayers, but sometimes the ans"er is ;No.!


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)s that possible9 )s that "ritten do"n any"here9 )n any of the "orld.s religiousbooks9 'as anybody on the planet got a uote from $od "herein $od says, ) "illans"er all prayers( ut, sometimes 5y ans"er "ill be ;No.!(((9 )f the ans"er couldbeNo!(((is that an acceptable response to $od ans"ers all prayers!9 )sn.t a ;denial. the

same as ;no ans"er.9 )f my child asks me for some candy, and ) turn my back on him,and do not respond(((ha%e ) ans"ered! his reuest by gi%ing him "hat he "ants9(((orha%e ) *ust denied him by ignoring his reuest9 Thereby, by definition, ) am notans"ering his reuest, am )9

7onsider this, for the time being 8ou probably feel that man is fallible, and that$od is infallible, by definition( fter all, all of earth.s religions preach that( o, ).llconcede that point for the moment( Then, if there is a break do"n in communicationbet"een man and $od((("hose fault! do you think it is9 The )nfallible +ne9 +r falliblemankind.s9 5y money.s on you(((and me

5aybe(((*ust, maybe(((it isn.t $od "ho ;drops the ball.( 5aybe it.s you and me(5aybe $od understands our communication


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Acknowledgment

) "ish to ackno"ledge my good friend Neale Donald Walsch( ) don.t kno" if )ha%e the right to call him my good friend! because ) ha%e ne%er asked him( 'o"e%er,"hether he "ould agree to be called my friend or not, he has become my good andfaithful friend because of the message of $od.s lo%e that he has brought into my lifethrough his books( ) lo%ed his books because they substantiated e%erything about $odthat ) had surmised for myself o%er my lifetime of e#periences( Neale and ) ha%egrappled "ith the same issues of organi&ed religion from different perspecti%es( Neale asan insider!


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stronger than the "ords "e ha%e in the other four $ospels( +ur present day $ospels ha%ebeen smoothed out! to make 7hrist seem more learned!(

ut, back to $od.s gender!( /or eons "e ha%e been referring to $od as 'im!,as a male( Why9 ecause, our Cnglish translation comes from the orinal $reek te#ts(

There are three genders in $reek


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Introductionb

Neale 3onald Wal&%h

author of

Conversations With God - Books 1, 2, , and other wor+&

) first became acuainted "ith ill Tucker "hen ) learned of the "onderful miraclesthat ha%e occurred in his life( ) "as immediately taken "ith ho" ill had been puttinginto practice the messages presented in the Conversations with Godbooks about ho" lifeand faith "orks(

) had a chance to meet ill personally "hen he attended one of my lectures, and "e

had the opportunity to discuss some of his e#periences( fe" months later, as ) "ascompiling true-life stories of miracles for my bookMoments of Grace, ) selected one ofill.s stories from the many hundreds ) ha%e recei%ed from readers for inclusion( ut

ill has had so many interesting and significantly representati%e e#periences in his lifethat ) asked him if ) could include a second story in the book( o there are t"o illTucker anecdotes inMoments of Grace, and that attests to the fact that this man has led afascinating life in "hich he has learned to call forth miracles from the uni%erse(

ecause he has had so many "onderful e#periences, ) suggested that ill "rite a book

of his o"n and share all of his stories "ith the "orld( ).m glad that he has done so,because the telling of his stories makes it clear that such e#periencesI"hile e#citing andinspiringIneed not be considered the pro%ince of a select fe"( We are all miracle"orkers, and the grace of $od and the po"er of $od and the help of $od are a%ailable toe%ery man and e%ery "oman and e%ery child, in e%ery moment, and that is the point here(

The grand illusion of our "orld is that miracles are rareIand that this is, in fact, "hatualifies them to be called miracles( ill Tucker sho"s here that miracles are normaloccurrences "hen one is thinking accurate thoughtsIabout oneself and about $od( Thechallenge is to change our belief systems, to change our thoughts(

That.s all ill did( 'e did it early in his life, and it has ser%ed him in many "onderful

"ays( o read, no", ho" a regular, ordinary person "ith normal skills and abilities, *ustlike you and me, e#perienced some breathtaking, stunning moments of grace! in his lifeIand ho" you can do e#actly the same in yours(

Neale 3onald Wal&%h


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Chapter 1

Children Know about God

:n the Beginning...

The purpose for this book is to relate my e#periences in a long road to"ard mydisco%ery of $od, and the miracles $od performs in our li%es on a daily basis( nd,miracles simply for the asking(((and belie%ing( 'opefully, you "ill deri%e some insighton this sub*ect, as "ell, as you tra%el the road ) took, "ith me(

:ntil much later in life, ) had no idea "here my initial belief in the e#istence of$od came from( ll ) kno" is that, from the beginning of memory, ) kne" $od( @ater )fell a"ay, but in the beginning, as a "ee tiny child, ) kne" $od( ) kne" there wasa $od(nd, ) kne" that $od lo%ed me( 5y parents "ere di%orced "hen ) "as about three yearsold( 5y mother had to place my baby sister and me in a /oster 'ome "hile she "orked

to be able to afford to bring us back home to her( he remarried "hen ) "as fi%e, and sheand my step-father came and retrie%ed my sister and me from the home of unt! Cdna(+ne of their first acts "as to buy a small house on a go%ernment $) loan, and then topurchase furniture for it( This recalls my first, conscious, recollection of my belief in$od(

They took me along one day to shop for a kitchen table( This "as the late 1E0.s,and aluminum and /ormica "ere the ine#pensi%e materials of choice( ) remember thestore "as "all-to-"all "ith aluminum and /ormica table and chair sets( ut, there in themiddle of this %ast e#panse "as a beautiful knotty pine "ood kitchen set( )t immediatelycaught my mother.s eye( ut, it "as the most costly item in the store( o, my parents

shopped, and shopped, and shopped ruminating o%er this set and that, but al"ays mymother "ould gra%itate back to the beautiful "ood set(

Trailing along, and underfoot, ) "as ignored "hile serious discussions "ere goingon about the cost of the "ood set( o, bored and curious, ) cra"led under the table( )looked up and "as horrified The table "as notfinished underneath 'o" could thisbe9! ) thought( The ne#t thought that shot across my mind "as, 'o" could $od ha%esent me to earth before it "asfinished(((before it "as ;perfect.9!

) remember that e#perience as if it "ere yesterday( )t is crystal clear, andimbedded in my memory( 6robably, because ) "as so shocked omeho", ) kne" that

"here ) had come from, before being birthed on planet earth, that place "as absoluteperfection( ) "as perple#ed( ) couldn.t belie%e that ) "as in a place "here tables "ereacceptable(((unfinished

) immediately cra"led out from under the table, and rushed to my mother.s side(Tugging on her skirt, ) "anted to "arn her not to buy the set because it "as fla"ed( )t"as not perfect( )t "as unfinished on the underside "here gro"n-ups couldn.t see(


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5omma, 5omma,! ) insisted, but she *ust brushed me off "ith a, Not no", illy,5ommy is busy talking to this salesman(!

ut, ) persisted( When ) finally got her attention and told her of my disco%ery, sheand my father and the salesman burst out laughing, and talked do"n to me as if ) couldn.t

understand the sophistication of the adult "orld( ) "as stunned( ) can.t remember mye#act thoughts after that, but the result "as that ) accepted that if they "anted to bestupid, and buy a half-finished table, they only had themsel%es to thank(

+f course, this re%elation is not about kitchen table sets( )t.s about my assumedkno"ledge of the e#istence of a $od, my /ather, in 'ea%en, and of my e#istence beforebeing born into planet earth( None of that seemed important for many, many years( +fcourse, ) assumed, there "as a $od, and $od "as my


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and t"isted and unconscious( 6eople "ere screaming, as ) stood transfi#ed, staring, notkno"ing "hat to do ne#t( nything seemed to be too late( Then the dri%er got out of hiscar( 'e "as about E2 years old, and "as staggering drunk( 'e careened his "ay aroundto the front of his car, and said loudly, That.ll teach you to run out into the street, ya.little bastard! nd, "ith that, he climbed back into his car and dro%e off

) couldn.t belie%e my eyes, or my ears ) "as fro&en into inaction( ) didn.t e%enha%e the presence of mind to get his license number( ) had ne%er seen death before, nore%en an accident( ) "as, in fact, *ust becoming a"are of a "orld outside of myneighborhood and school( ) had *ust, "ithin days before that horrific e%ent, started toread the ne"s part of the ne"spaper, instead of *ust the comics( ) "as troubled aboutstories ) had read about black people being treated as second-class citi&ens by not beingable to use a "hite person.s "ater fountain, or sit at a lunch counter at Wool"orths( ) "ashaunted by pictures ) had seen of naked, little children running and crying "ith burnedbodies from the ra%ages of "ar in some foreign land, ) kne" not "here( ) "aso%erhearing stories told by my parents and :ncles about their e#periences during World

War )), ended only eight years before( The terrible atrocities, ) heard related, sent mymind di&&yingly into a spiral as ) struggled "ith ho" mankind could do such things totheir fello" man( +h, sure, "e had ;tough kids. at school "ho seemed to delight inmaking a smaller kid.s life miserable( ut, ) couldn.t reconcile anybody putting humanbeings into o%ens( )t "as unthinkable Cspecially if there "as an all-lo%ing $od

s the din of ambulance sirens and the angry shouts of adults filled the air, )"alked a"ay pondering ho" a lo%ing $od could allo" this beautiful, small, innocentchild to be so hurtfully maimed "hile that rotten old drunk dri%er dro%e, healthily, a"ay(What kind of a place am ) in, any"ay9! ) angrily demanded of no one( ?ust "hat kindof a hell-hole "orld isthis9!

) stood stunned, there, on my front la"n, and stared up at the sky( 'elp me,/ather,! ) said, ).m losing my faith in 8ou 'elp me to understand all of this(! Then itoccurred to me( 5aybe there isn.t an all-lo%ing $od( 5aybe $od is a figment of man.simagination( ort of a "histle in the dark against all of the things "e can.t understandand can.t control( buffer against the "ild beasts at the door of our ca%e( +hmygod,! )thought, at the re%elation, 5aybe ).m all alone 5aybe there isn.t a $od ) can count on(5aybe there isn.t an +mnipresence ho%ering o%er me like a protecting blanket!

) laid do"n on the la"n.s grass and "hispered out loud, $od( 'elp me, please('elp me to keep my faith in you( ) kno" $i%e me a sign that you are there(((( performa tiny little miracle, *ust for me, so that ) may belie%e( ) kno", make this one tiny bladeof grass ).m looking at, bend o%er(((all by itself( Then ).ll kno" that you.re there and )ha%e nothing to fear(!

) stared and stared at that little blade of grass, *ust an inch in front of my nose(Nothing happened( )t didn.t budge( $od needs a second chance,! ) rationali&ed( $od5ake some rain fall, out of this cloudless blue sky, right on my head( ?ust a fe" dropsthat no one else "ill see( This is *ust bet"een 8ou and me( ) need my faith strengthened


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).m afraid ).m losing my faith in 8ou( 6lease, *ust do this one little thing for me, so that )may belie%e(!

) stood up(((and looked up( ) stood transfi#ed for a long time( No rain fell( o,!) thought to myself, this is it( The end of innocence( There is no $od( There is only

me( ) cannot count on any help throughout life from anyone( ) am going to ha%e to takecare of me and mine( Whate%er fate befalls me, throughout life, "ill only be due to myo"n ignorance or mistakes( ) ha%e to be strong( ) ha%e to take care of myself( )f ) am toha%e anything in this "orld, ) am going to ha%e to do it for myself( ) "ill ha%e to studyhard and get a good education, and "ork hard(((harder than anybody(((on my *ob, so that )can.t be fired( ).m going to ha%e to "ork, and "ork, and "ork to be able to afford ahouse and furniture, and clothes for my o"n children(((cause there ain.t anybodyhere(((but me(! The co%enant "ith myself "as sealed( )t took a fe" more "eeks before )admitted to myself that ) "as an theist(((but, ) finally did(

ut, ) kept that to myself( ) dare not trust anyone "ith this information( fter all,

) reasoned, it "as all there right in front of all of us for anyone "ho "anted to face thetruth( )f they chose not to, maybe they "eren.t ready to face their fears(((or, "orse yet,their responsibilities( 5aybe that.s "hy some of them drank boo&e on a aturdaymorning( ) kne" a lot of adults "ho dro"n their personal de%ils! in a bottle( The affectit had on me "as another co%enant( ) determined that if ) "as going to be responsible forme, ) couldn.t afford to cloud my brain, and ) had seen that boo&e surely did that( ).m notsaying ).m a teetotaler, nor that ).%e ne%er been drunk in my life, but ) can count, on onehand, the number of times( nd, certainly did notget behind the "heel of a car "heninebriated ) had learned that lesson first hand( The last thing in the "orld ) e%er "anted"as to be responsible for hurting another human being, if at all possible(

That.s ho" ) thought at age 1G( The course of my life for the ne#t 2 years "asset(


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Chapter 2

Being of the World, Without God

Ta+ing 8e&pon&ibilit

) could not ha%e imagined in a thousand years "hat "as in store for me 2 yearshence( )t is so shocking, so un-real, that it has taken me decades to put it do"n in print,here( ) "as afraid that nobody "ould understand( ) "as afraid that people "ould think )"as cra&y, and lock me up in a loony bin( ) "as afraid to be re*ected by all of mankind(((aperson "ithout a country(((maybe "ithout a place in the "orld( ) "as afraid ) "ouldn.t beable to find the "ords that "ould help people to understand my sincerity( ut, ) needn.tha%e feared( ) ha%e since told hundreds of people, one-on-one, and, "hile they are ina"e, none has notbelie%ed me( The reason for that "ill become clear as this storyunfolds(

ut, first, before "e leap for"ard 2 years, it is necessary to gi%e a brief o%er%ie"of the e%ents of those ensuing 2 years(

The details aren.t necessary to the story, but it is important to kno" that ) "as nota good student in high school( ) earned either s or /s, and hardly anything in bet"een(There "ere reasons, but they aren.t important( t least, it "asn.t because ) didn.t ha%ethe natural capacity to learn( ) dropped out of high school t"o months before graduation"hen ) learned that ) "ould not be graduating "ith my class( ngrily, ) "alked out thedoor of my high school and dro%e straight to my ir /orce >ecruiter.s office( The ne#tday ) "as flying to @ackland ir /orce ase in Te#as, and from there ) spent the ne#t fouryears in $ermany, getting my pro%erbial act together!(

During "hat free time ) had in high school, and then later in the ir /orce, ) spenta%ocationally studying history, religion, and the history of religion, on my o"n, in anattempt to understand ho" the "orld got in the shape ) found it in( ) attended many7hurches( 7atholic, aptist, a group "ho called themsel%es 'oly >ollers!, @utheran,6resbyterian, 6rotestant, ) e%en attended a ?e"ish ynagogue "ith ?e"ish friends for alittle "hile( ) got an Cnglish %ersion of the Loran e%i%alist( That meant he tra%eled from to"n to to"n, set up a gigantic tent,and rallied people to hear his sermons( The highlight of the sho"! "as "hen he "ouldcall the lame and the infirm for"ard to his ;pulpit.( 'e "ould lay his hands on theperson.s forehead, and pray out loud, almost as if screaming to $od( Then, he "ouldslam his hand against the person.s forehead knocking him or her off their crutches, andflat on their back( 'e had a couple of assistants positioned to catch the person as they


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fell( What a fraud! ) thought( 'o" can he get a"ay "ith this charlatan stuff9 re allthose people in cahoots "ith him9! +ral >oberts "as a laughing stock to many people( lot of people thought he "as a fraud( ) "as mystified, though, at the ob%ious sincerityof the people he healed!( ) "as sure that, "hate%er else "as going on, theyreallybelie%ed( They al"ays got up, thre" their crutches a"ay, and "alked a"ay on their o"n(

) *ust shook my head, and put it out of my head( fter all, $od hadn.t performed anymiracles on this planet for the past 2,000 years(((right9 ichard >oberts since they ha%e a huge7hurch and a :ni%ersity, among other things, as a direct result of their faith in $od.smiracles=

) continued my hobby throughout my stay in Curope( ) ne%er found "hat ) "aslooking for( ) did become fairly kno"ledgeable of %arious religious teachings, beliefs,traditions and rituals( ut, honestly, ) found most of them -- especially the rituals --foolish "astes of time( +h, don.t get me "rong( ) found much ) liked( ) "as no" a man"ithout code!( ) "as free to decide "hat ) "ould honor and respect, and "hat ) "ould

not( ) could be a master criminal or li%e a saintly life( )t didn.t matter, because there "asno ultimate punishment! for an atheist, e#cept final death( )f you don.t belie%e in $od,then there is no hell, or atan, or any other-"orldly thing to fear, after all( There is onlypermanent sleep from "hich no one "akes( The party is o%er( /inito( Done( $one(

ut, ) found ) needed a code( ) liked ?esus( ) liked "hat 'e had to say( ) liked"hat 'e did( ) liked his philosophy!( ) decided that "as a good code to li%e by( ut, )determined, ) "ould li%e it as 'e preached and li%ed it(((not the "ay it "as taught in the7hurches ) had %isited( ) had no intention of fearing $od!( That seemed silly( )understood that 7hrist said, When your enemy smites you on the one cheek, turn andoffer him your other!( That made some sort of non-sensical! sense to me( fter all, )reasoned, if ) hit someone, ) could fully e#pect to be hit back( ut, ) didn.t see that7hristian! beha%ior in the actions of anyone around me( ) sa" anger( ) sa" arguments() sa" people lost! and turning to drink( ) sa" "ars( ) sa" hurt!(

) read about the 7rusades and ho" the Lnights Templar slaughtered heathens! inthe 'oly @and to reclaim it in the name of ?esus, and "ondered ho" that e#emplifiedturn the other cheek!( ) read about the panish )nuisition and "ondered ho" anybodycould rationali&e killing anybody else in the name of 7hrist( 'onestly, ) could ne%er findone passage in any holy book that endorsed killing as a "ay to faith(

nd, ) sa" people rationali&ing all sorts of beha%iors and beliefs that ) could notreconcile "ith the teachings of any faith( lmost e%ery sermon ) e%er attended in anyreligious ser%ice, and e%en on the 7hristian radio station, all ) heard "ere *udgments!(>ailings, denigrating anyone "ho didn.t belie%e the "ay theybelie%ed( This one.s asinner and going straight to hell, and that one is defiling the religion( 5ostly, they"eren.t preoccupied "ith atheists, although they really seemed to hate securehumanists! "ith a passion( No, mostly they "ere attacking people of other faiths(((orpeople of their o"n faith "ith "hom they disagreed( )t "as all too much condemnationfor me( ) *ust shook my head, and "as glad to be out of the clutches of any religion


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) reconciled my original sin guilt! by reali&ing that ) can.t be born a sinner!because of the act of some guy born thousands of years before me "ho defied $od andate the fruit of kno"ledge( ) reasoned that if $od "anted to offer me the choice of eitheraccepting 'im "ith blind faith and li%ing fore%er, or eating the fruit of kno"ledge of

good and e%il from the tree of life, ).d pass on the fruit!

)n fact, ) took it a step further( )n the age old debate bet"een religionists! andsecular humanists! about the origin-creation of mankind


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*oined the Na%al >eser%e after college because of urgings "ithin me to do somethingpatriotic for my country(

s a teenager ) had a gotten the only *ob ) seemed to be ualified forB ) soldne"spaper subscriptions door-to-door, and o%er time, learned to be a pretty fair salesman,

e%ol%ing my o"n theories on ho" to sell( Those skills seemed to be %aluable in e%ery *ob) had after that( ) had dreamed of being an ad%ertising man!, and did that sort of "orkfor many years(

) married my high school s"eetheart, bought a ranch home in the suburbs, andbegan helping to raise our t"o daughters( ) dro%e a nice car, "as able to set a littlemoney aside, then in%est some, and e%entually "e e%en bought a second car( ) foundmuch personal satisfaction o%er the years as a %olunteer in community ser%ices such asthe oy couts, ?unior chie%ement, %arious scholarship funds, ad infinitum(

@ife "as good(


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Chapter !inding God

5ife, a& : +now it, end&...

arbara "as a beautiful person, inside and out( 5ore importantly, my "ife "aslo%ed by e%eryone( he made e%erybody feel special( he ne%er *udged anyone( )n fact,she appeared to not ha%e an opinion about anything( nd, that "as her problem( he hadbecome so accustomed to suppressing her opinions, feelings, etc(, that she "as al"ays, aslong as ) kne" her, slightly depressed(

he took pleasure in things, most notably our children and their de%elopment, butshe ne%er seemed to e#perience *oy!( t least, not until the end( Whene%er "e "ouldtake the girls to an amusement park, the children and ) "ould go on the rides, but arbara"ould al"ays opt to hold the coats, camera, and any other stuff, instead of putting them

in a storage locker and *oining us( )t "as as if she used them as an e#cuse not to en*oyherself( he said she deri%ed her pleasure from "atching us(

The reason "as simple and common, but hard to fathom( 'er parents had her latein life, and they doted on her as a child( They "ouldn.t let her ride a bicycle because,he might get killed!( They held off letting her get a dri%er.s license because, hemight get killed(! They butted in and tried to control e%ery aspect of her adult life to thepoint of interfering "ith our married life( arbara kept most of this secret from me( 'erparents destroyed her self- confidence "ith o%er-protecti%eness( arbara "as percei%edas fragile!(

ut, she "as an e#cellent "ife and mother( he "as de%oted to her family( nd, )think she made a secret pact "ith herself to notraise her children in the same sort ofsuffocating atmosphere that she had been raised in( he "ent to great lengths to solicitour daughters. opinions about things( he shared in their thoughts, and encouraged them(he encouraged them to think for themsel%es, "hich, in my opinion, is the greatest gift aparent can gi%e a child( he "ould talk about opportunities "ith them for self-e#pression, and then, "ith their enthusiasm to try ne" things, she enrolled thems"imming classes, ballet classes, modern dance classes, gymnastics, taught them to ridetheir bikes at a young age, art classes( )n short, she encouraged any acti%ity that the girlse#pressed an interest in( nd, arbara made sure the girls heard ) lo%e you! on a dailybasis

arbara "as a professional! homemaker( he had al"ays "anted to be ahomemaker, and e%en though she had a Nursing degree, both of us "anted her at homepro%iding for and raising the family( he lo%ed to clean, and nurse, and cook fromscratch( nd, she taught these home! skills to her daughters(

ut, ) "orried about her, because she seemed so dependent on her parents( he"ould not make e%en a simple decision "ithout asking her mother.s ad%ice( nd, her


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mother "as al"ays at the ready to tell her *ust "hat to do, think, feel( )n fact, her parentshad insisted that she attend Nursing chool so that she could, a%e our li%es "hen "ebecome old and infirm!, because they "ere a generation older than us(

arbara suffered from "hat ) ha%e come to call The .5other yndrome!( s

parents, "e need to control our babies. actions because they can.t take care of themsel%es(They don.t understand life %ersus death, and the dangers of cars in the street( o, ourbrain has to control t"o bodies -- our o"n, and theirs(((at least until they become 10 yearsof age( "onderful thing happens at age 10( 7hildren start to think for themsel%es(They.%e sort of learned to stay out of the street by then, and can maybe be trusted to crossthe street by themsel%es( ut, "e ha%e a 10 year habit built up( We.%e been takingresponsibility for them for 10 long years, and no" it.s hard to kno" "hen to let go and letthem start to fend for themsel%es( fter all, "e reason, there is so much more they don.tkno" that can kill them, or harm them in some "ay( )n fact, it is an easy and naturaltransformation to go from being responsible for their %ery li%es! to seeing oursel%es asbeing responsible for their %ery happiness!( )t is our o"n fears! that make us fearful

for them( We fear for their potential failures in life( We fear for their successes( nd, "e"ant to help( 'o" much ;help. do they need9 'o" long shall "e continue to do theirthinking for them9

) am not suggesting cutting them off at age 10( ut, ) am suggesting cutting backa little(((and then, as they gro" older, cutting back a little more( nd, then a little moreuntil "e feel that they should be able to make it! on their o"n( 6robably some"herebet"een the ages of 1H and 22( ut, are there any mothers "ho are still trying to gi%ead%ice and counsel past that age9 re there any mothers "ho interfere "ith theirchildren.s! li%es tellingthem((("ho to marry, ho" to raise their o"n children, "hat *ob totake, or telling them to clean their house, etc( beyond the age of 229 re they still theirchildren! at age EJ9 +r, are they no" independent, capable adults, and not children! atall, regardless of their former status as "omb-born9

5y o"n perception is, that if one has adult-children "ho cannot fend forthemsel%es, maybe one should look at ho" they contributed to the child.s de%elopmentduring the formati%e years by allo"ing that child to think for itself and go its o"n "ayand make its o"n decisions( )t.s okay to be a mother up to age 10 to 22(((but, at somepoint, not letting go turns a mother into a .5other!(

Then, tragedy struck( 'er mother contracted diabetes in her F0s( arbara, theprofessional! Nurse, "ould dutifully administer her mother.s in*ections on a daily basis(bout a year later, the doctor disco%ered inoperable cancer in her mother and ga%e her*ust days, maybe "eeks, to li%e( arbara "as crushed ll of a sudden it struck her as athunderbolt( he had killed her mother +r, so she thought( he remembered back toher nurses. training that "hen an old person comes do"n "ith diabetes, it.s notnecessarily diabetes, but a harbinger of cancer he reasoned that if she had rememberedthis lesson from 1J years before, the doctors may ha%e been able to catch the cancer intime he "as "racked "ith guilt( he left our home and mo%ed into her mother.s hometo attend to her e%ery need( When her mother had to finally go into the hospital for her


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last days, arbara mo%ed in "ith her, taking the bed ne#t to her, and li%ing there day andnight( When her mother finally died se%en "eeks later, arbara "as an emotional mess(he blamed herself, and no amount of e#planation that could not possibly be true, noamount of logic or reasoning, could dissuade her from her guilt!(

he, %ery sadly, confided in me that, no" "ith her mother dead, she "ould ne%erreali&e her o"n life.s dream( When ) asked "hat that "as, she said, ).%e been "aitingall of my life to hear my mother say ;) lo%e you.(((*ust once(! ) "as shocked( ) hadn.treali&ed that before( s ) reflected on that statement ) reali&ed that it "as true( ) hadne%er heard my mother-in-la" say those three little "ords, e%en once(


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unra%el her false self- impression )t should also be remembered that arbara "as atrained Nurse, and to nurses, doctors are like gods he had been conditioned to thinkthat doctors ne%er made a mistake

The ne#t day she checked herself into a mental hospital at her doctor.s urging(

he rapidly deteriorated after that( ) didn.t learn, until after she died, that she hadattempted suicide there in the hospital( s arbara sank, ) "as beside myself "ith "orryand confusion about "hat ) could do to help her( ) "ould go to the hospital before "ork,during lunchtime, and after "ork and stay long past %isiting hours "ere o%er, until theythre" me out, on a daily basis( Then ) "ould go home and feed my children, late into thee%ening, and bundle them off to bed( The stress, and the long days, began to take theirtoll on me, as "ell( Work began to slide( ) "as neglecting my Na%y >eser%e duties( ).msure our preteen children must ha%e been perple#ed as they sa" the family unit dissol%ingbefore their eyes( They "ere fearful, and "anted to kno" "here their mother "as( )e#plained, as best ) could(

Then, my ne" boss at "ork started making increasing demands on me, stretchingout my already KK hours of "ork reuired time per "eek( ) pleaded for understandingsaying that ) couldn.t spend more time at "ork because ) had to take care of my family"hich "as going through %ery hard times( +f course, my employer kne" all about my"ife.s incarceration in the mental hospital( ut, they "ere unmo%ed( That.s "hy ) cameto hate The Taubman 7ompany, "hich "as a challenge later on "hen $od came into mylife(

During a session "ith her doctors, they said that maybe a change of scenery mighthelp( 7ould ) take a %acation9 +f course ) had accumulated si# "eeks of %acation timeo%er the pre%ious three years( ) asked arbara "here she "anted to go9 @ondon96hoeni#9 he protested that "e couldn.t afford that( ut, to my mind, ) "ould ha%espent anything to get my "ife back( he finally settled on an in-tate resort area -- theWisconsin Dells(

5y company "as not sympathetic( They said ) "as too %aluable!, and so theydenied my %acation reuest( ) told my boss, @ook 5y family comes first( /ire me ifyou "ant, but ).m taking my "ife on %acation( The doctors recommend it, and ).m doingit! nd, "ith that, ) stormed out( ) arranged for my mother to take our children, and )packed my "ife into the car, and off "e "ent for si# "eeks of sunshine and laughter( We"eren.t gone t"o days "hen my boss tracked me do"n( 'e threatened that if ) didn.treturn immediately, ) "ouldn.t ha%e a *ob to come back to )t.s okay,! my "ife said,).m not en*oying this trip any"ay( @et.s go back(!) "a%ered( The mental hospital "as costing P20,000 a month, and "ithout my *ob andmy employer.s insurance co%erage, "e "ould *ust sink into obli%ion( gainst my better*udgment, ) ca%ed in and "e returned( he "ent back into the hospital(

Ne#t, it "as the Na%y.s turn to take a bite out of me( 5y 7ommanding +fficersaid ) "as getting behind in my "ork, and ordered me to de%ote more off-drill time toNa%y pro*ects( We "ound up in a shouting match, "hereupon ) ripped my @ieutenant


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7ommander boards off my shoulders and thre" them at him shouting, ) uit!(((andstormed out(

8ou can.t uit! he shouted back at me as ) "as lea%ing( ).ll ha%e you 7ourt5artialed!

) broke out in a rash all o%er my body( The itching "as furious, and constant( )made oatmeal and spread it all o%er my naked body, and lay on my bed "aiting for theintense itching to stop, and gi%e me some relief( ) "ent to a dermatologist( 'e said that"hat ) had "as caused by stress, and that ) had burned off! the protecti%e layer undermy skin, and ) "ould most likely suffer from this skin condition for the rest of my life('e ga%e me some cream to alle%iate the itching(

C%entually, the hospital.s psychiatrists ordered me to enter therapy! to help my"ife( ) "as desperate( ) "as ready to do anything that "ould help her( t the firstsession, a doctor took me into his pri%ate office, and e#plained that ) had to be mentally

ill, too ) "as shocked( There.s nothing the matter "ith me,! ) protested( ut hecontinued to press his case( 'e blamed me for my "ife.s instabilityB he blamed mericansocietyB he blamed e%erything and e%eryone she had e%er come in contact "ith, excepther parents(

'e said that she "ould probably ha%e to be incarcerated for the rest of her naturallife, that they had no hope for her reco%ery( 'e said that she "as a high suicide risk, andthey "ould ha%e to keep her under close super%ision(

'e continued to "ork on me to con%ince me that ) "as mentally unstable andsummed up that ), too, had to be incarcerated( ) began to belie%e him( fter all, he "as adoctor, and a professional in these matters( >ight there, in his office, ) began to fall apart() became con%inced that he "as right ut, my children,! ) pleaded "ith him, What isto become of my children, if both parents are confined9!

The tate "ill take them and place them in foster care, of course,! he said %erymatter-of-factly(

That "as finally the last stra" that broke me( ) had a sensation of my brainbreaking in t"o( ) fell apart( 5y life, as ) kne" it, "as o%er( ) crumpled off the chair andfell to the floor( 'elp me, please,! ) begged( 6lease tell me this is not happening(! 'elooked disdainfully do"n from his superior position in his chair, and told me to go home,pack a toothbrush, and report back for incarceration in the morning(

) cra"led out of his office on my hands and knees, too beaten do"n to be able tostand( ) cra"led that "ay do"n the corridor of the hospital and do"n the side"alk to theparking lot, gasping furti%ely for air the "hole "ay, not reali&ing ) "as hyper%entilating() reached up and pulled the door handle of my car open and cra"led inside( ) turned onthe engine and turned the air conditioner on at full blast, and put my mouth o%er the %entin a %ain effort to catch my breath and get some air in me so ) could calm do"n enough to


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dri%e( That seemed to "ork, and ) dro%e home ba"ling like a baby all the "ay o%er thefate of my poor children "ho "ere about to be parentless(

When ) got home, ) cra"led into bed, still sobbing( ) "racked my brain o%er ho"my beautiful little family could ha%e come to such a sorry pass( ) "as blaming myself( )

had no blame, per se, so my brain started in%enting blame(

) lay there in bed "ith my brain going back o%er the e%ents of my life trying tofind some hope4some "ay out of the nightmare "e "ere finding oursel%es in( ) "aslooking to see if there "as any truth to "hat the doctors "ere saying about all of thismisery being my fault(

s ) re%ie"ed the e%ents of my life, ) sa" myself as a cheat!4as a failure!(6roof9 Why, ) hadn.t e%en graduated high school( That embarrassment haunted me my"hole life( ut, ) argued "ith myself, ) graduated college "ith honors ut then, mybrain found the falsity in that( ) had taken tests and passed courses in college "ithout

reading all of the reuired material( o, ) "as a cheat! after all

ut, but4!, ) argued "ith myself, ) became an +fficer and a leader in the Na%y>eser%e! +h, yeah,! my darker side argued( ut you.re on your "ay to a 7ourt5artial no", aren.t you, @+C>9!

) couldn.t "in this battle "ith myself( ) looked o%er e%ery ma*or e%ent in my life,and sa" fla"s e%ery"here ) looked( 5y lo%ely "ife had broken our engagement se%eraltimes before ) "as able to con%ince her to marry me( 5ore proof of "hat a fast-talkingslime ) "as(

ut, ) argued further "ith myself, looking for any redeeming feature in my"orthless life, ) had made t"o bright, beautiful children ut, my lo"er thoughts sa"through that, as "ell( )t "as my "ife "ho had birthed them, and raised them so "ell( )"as al"ays at "ork( 'o" much of a contribution had ) actually made to their li%es9

C%ery"here ) looked, ) sa" fla"s( /la"s in my character( )f there "eren.t any, )made them up, and felt sorry for myself(

) kept going o%er and o%er my life.s e%ents in my mind seeing errors e%ery inchalong the "ay( )t "as like looking at a mo%ie strip of my life o%er and o%er again( /asterand faster the strip repeated itself( /inally, it started forming into a circle ofcondemnation( The circle began spinning o%er and o%er again as ) %ie"ed my life.se%ents, ba"ling like a baby the entire time( 5y pillo" became soaked "ith tears of self-pity( ) "as con%inced that my life A our li%es A "ere o%er4that ) "ould ha%e to checkmyself into the mental institution in the morning4and the tate "ould take my childrenoff to an orphanage(

) ga%e up, and prayed to fall into mind-numbing sleep( When ) a"oke the ne#tmorning, my first thought "as a fer%ent prayer that this had all been a nightmare, and that


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the "orld "as right again( ut, ) immediately reali&ed it "asn.t( 5y bed "as soaked( )reali&ed ) must ha%ing been crying all night long in my sleep(

gain, my mind raced o%er the e%ents of my life, seeing failure at e%ery one ofthem( gain the memories and thoughts spun in a circle of condemnation o%er and o%er

again(

ut then, ) became a"are A reluctantly at first A of a seemingly little tear in thefilm strip( pinpoint of light "as trying to get my attention out of the corner of my eye(t first, ) refused to ackno"ledge it, nor look at it( ut, as the e%ents continued to spin, )couldn.t keep ignoring the little pinpoint of light( /inally, ) turned my head physically tolook suare at it, and "hen ) did, the room burst into light4and ) sa" an e%ent in my lifethat ) had been o%erlooking(

S*;:NG G8*CE

The e%ent "as a magnificent one( )t "as an e%ent so pure, so perfect, that ) couldfind no fault in my actions in it ) remembered it o%er and o%er again searching for afla"( Trying to find some "ay to distort it into something ugly, like ) had "ith all of theother e%ents of my life( ut, ) couldn.t find anything "rong "ith it

t the time ) "as employed as a shopping center marketing manager( )t "as my*ob to run entertainments in the mall and ad%ertise them to dra" customers into the mallto shop( ) "orked hard to be the best marketing manager in the mall business in thenation, and had come close to achie%ing that goal(

ut, ) considered my first 7hristmas eason to be a bust( >etailers do E0Q oftheir annual business during the si# "eeks of the 7hristmas shopping season( )f theydon.t make their 7hristmas, they don.t make their year( )f they don.t make their year inany gi%en year, it can dri%e them out of business( The pressure "as on, but ) "as up to it

) held a anta 7laus 6arade, my first year in the business, that only dre" in 2,000people( ) considered that a failure( ) "ent to my boss and offered to resign( he laughedand said that 2,000 people "as a good turnout( ) argued that the Do"nto"n 6aradeal"ays dre" about 20,000 people, so ) must be a failure( he said that it "as impossiblefor a mall to dra" 20,000 people(

) told her to keep my letter of resignation on file, and if ) didn.t bring in at least20,000 the follo"ing 7hristmas, ) "ould lea%e my *ob %oluntarily(

The follo"ing 7hristmas ) con%inced our oard of Directors to take a chance and%ote me uadruple my normal 7hristmas decorations budget to allo" me to spendP100,000( ) promised them they "ould see a commensurate return on their in%estment,"hich meant ) "as promising them an additional P1 million in e#tra sales(


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) bought a decorations package from The ecker 7ompany out of 5aryland, amall decorations supplier, called Walt Disney.s 5agic Lingdom of 7hristmas! thatincluded a G-story 7inderella 7astle, J0 animated figurines, a e%en D"arfs Diamond5ine tableau, a $epetto.s 7ottage complete "ith life-si&ed automatons of $epetto,6inocchio, ?iminy 7ricket, /igaro, and 7leo and the lue /airy( Then ) "ent o%er-budget

and spent P1,000 to ha%e a 6rince 7harming costume made, and another P1,000 to ha%e7inderella.s dress made, and hired t"o opera singers to "ear the costumes and strollthrough the mall singing When you wish upon a Star! and Someday my Prince WillCome!(

) also arranged for a fire"orks display to be set off o%er the mall A a full half-hourof nothing but $rand /inale for ten times the normal cost of an )ndependence Daydisplay(

) hired the %ery best anta 7laus in the entertainment industry nationally A one"ho had his o"n real anta beard and "as a professional singer nd, ) contracted "ith

Disney.s coloring book publisher to create a full-si&ed coloring book for anta to gi%ea"ay free to his little %isitors(

)t turned out that the hardest part "as getting an instrumental %ersion of thoseDisney songs as backup for the opera singers, but ) con%inced a music museum to make atape recording of the only e#isting, but out of print, %ersions(

) tried to get eight real reindeer to pull anta.s sleigh through the mall for theparade, but the "eek before the e%ent, some poacher had slipped into their pen in5ichigan and had killed all of the reindeer "ith arro"s(

) "as able to arrange for 5ickey 5ouse, 5innie 5ouse, Donald Duck, $oofy and6luto characters from Disney"orld to put in an appearance in my opening night parade(

There( ) had it( The perfect 7hristmas promotional e%ent( ut, no matter ho""ell an e%ent "as put together, if no one kne" about it, it "ould flop(

o, ne#t ) put together a pre%iously unheard of ad%ertising campaign for the mallindustry( ) spent an additional PJ0,000 A triple the normal budget A putting together anad%ertising campaign to run tele%ision commercials throughout the entire tate ofWisconsin, as "ell as full-page full-color ne"spaper ads, and a bunch of radio spots(

No", in the mall industry, ) learned that A once "e launched an ad campaign,"e.d get a fe" phone calls from people inuiring about the entertainment( C%ery phonecall represented about 2,000 people "ho "ould sho" up for the e%ent( o, "e "ould getabout 1, 2 or G calls for a ma*or e%ent( When "e got 22 phone calls for the 5agicLingdom of 7hristmas, ) called the local 6olice Department and heriff.s Departmentand "arned them that "e "ere e#pecting more than E0,000 customers to turn out for ouranta rri%al e%ent( +ne of those calls "as from an oil millionaire in Te#as asking ho"his kids, "hom he "as going to fly up to Wisconsin in his pri%ate *et and hire a limousine


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for, could find the mall from the airport( ) kne" then that "e had a "inner on our hands(The cops scoffed and muttered something about ho" 6> guys e#aggerate(

The night of the e%ent, 1J0,000 people descended on the shopping center( Themall could only hold about E0,000 people comfortably( J0,000 crammed into the mall

and created a disaster( 6eople "ere *ammed nose to back( When the malls "ere filled,people crushed into the stores for standing room knocking o%er displays and tramplingmerchandise under foot( They stood in the fountain in the center court "ith "ater up totheir ankles and their kids balanced on their shoulders( They turned off the escalators andhung from the rails(

ut, that still left about 100,000 outside unable to get in( When the traffic*ammed up on the streets 10 miles in all directions and J miles on the free"ay, peopleabandoned their cars on la"ns or in the street and "alked to the mall( Worse, for me,there "as no room for my anta 6arade "ith all of the Disney characters to mo%e throughthe malls( We snaked the celebrities through the back deli%ery corridors and burst out

into the center court pushing our "ay through the cro"ds(

That night "as a total disaster( C%erybody "as either disappointed or angry( Thestores did no business that night ha%ing had to close their store gates to keep the cro"dsout( The 6olice "ho had failed to call out their reser%es until it "as too late "ere "orriedabout a riot( The customers "ho had dri%en o%er 100 miles and couldn.t get in "ereli%id( ) had to take out a full page ad%ertisement in The 5il"aukee ?ournal apologi&ingto the general public for their disappointment(

Not only had ) set an industry record for the turnout, ) called Disney 6roductionsand got permission to keep 5ickey 5ouse for the balance of the 7hristmas season toassuage those customers "ho could then come back and see "hat they had missedopening night(

ut, the bottom line "as, our 5agic Lingdom of 7hristmas brought in anadditional PE0 million in sales that season A a GKQ increase o%er the pre%ious seasons.a%erage(

S*N:T/eser%e, and a damned good one at that!

This is all crap There.s nothing "rong "ith me ) don.t ha%e to listen to thoseloser mind-bending doctors They certainly aren.t of any help to me, or my "ife cre"them ).m not committing myself ).%e got a family to raise 4nd, a "ife to rescuefrom that funny farm! ) decided to fight back(


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) leapt from the bed and rushed to the telephone( ) called the doctor "ho had sode%astated me the night before( ).m not coming in this morning! ) announced( ) don.tneed you or your so-called help Take your nut-farm and stuff it ).%e got a family toraise!

+h, no, 5r( Tucker,! he moaned, you.re mentally ill and you need our care,! hesoothed(

) reali&ed that all ) had done "as doubt myself and lose my confidence( +nce )started belie%ing in myself again, and stopped feeling sorry for myself, ) came back tobeing me( ) slammed the phone do"n on him

) ne%er looked back after that( ) *ust assumed, as ) had before ) bought into all ofthe psychiatrists. mumbo-*umbo, that "hate%er happened ) could figure things out pretty"ell for myself( :nfortunately, my "ife, "ho had been trained as a >egistered Nurse to

put full and absolute faith in doctors, couldn.t accept that her psychiatrists could be"rong, re*ected any sense of self-confidence, and continued to belie%e that her doctors"ere right "hen they told her that she "as incurably mentally ill(

No", ) reali&ed "hat they had sub*ected my "ife to ) had to get her out of thereut, only she could sign herself out ) called her, and spoke confidentially to her on thephone( )t took a long time, but ) con%inced her to at least sign herself out for a "eekend%isit at home( t last, a ray of light "as cutting through our nightmare(

When ) picked her up, she "as catatonic( he mo%ed like a &ombie, staringstraight ahead and not responding to anything anybody said to her( ) took her home andlaid her do"n on our bed( he stared at the ceiling "ithout any %isible signs of life( he"ouldn.t respond to anything ) said( Desperate, ) "racked my brain for "hat ) couldpossibly say to get through to her( Then it da"ned on me( ) could pray for her, out loud() felt a bit like a fraud, being an atheist, but ) kne"shebelie%ed, so ) thought that mightget through to her( ) knelt do"n beside the bed, folded my hands and prayed out loud( )stayed there praying %ocally for si# hours "ithout result( ll of a sudden, she sat boltupright

ill ).m back! she e#claimed( ) could hear you praying as if you "ere amillion miles a"ay( ) didn.t feel like ) "as in my o"n body( Thank $od you stuck "ithit 8ou got me back(!

@ife the rest of that "eekend "as almost a semblance of normality( he cooked,she cleaned, she e%en sang "hile doing it( ) sat her do"n, and tried to e#plain that there"as nothing "rong "ith her( That she had *ust lost her confidence, and the doctors"eren.t helping her get it back( ut, she "as still con%inced that she "as mentally ill,and nothing ) said could dissuade her( fter all, she reasoned, the doctors had told hershe "as sick, and doctors are ne%er "rong( ) talked and talked and talked( ut ) couldn.treach! her( t least, ) made her promise that she "ould not return to the mental


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institution, but "ould stay at home, and if she felt medical help "as still called for, shecould go as an out-patient, but with me alon

5onday morning, ) "ent to "ork( he called me, before noon, to tell me that herpsychiatrist had called her at home "ondering "here she "as, and had con%inced her to

return to the hospital(((that.s "here she "as calling me from ) "as de%astated( 'o" inthe "orld "as ) going to "rench her a"ay from their grip9

ll "eek long, ) "as a ner%ous "reck( C%ery once in a "hile, sitting at my officedesk or in a meeting, or "here%er, my body "ould start to shake, uncontrollably( )f ) "asin a staff meeting, ) e#cused myself, and rushed to a phone, and called my "ife at thehospital, con%inced that she "as slipping do"n"ard, and a"ay( ure enough, she.d be inthe doldrums( ) "ould talk soothingly to her, and slo"ly, but surely, build her confidenceback up( ) didn.t hang up until ) "as sure she "as okay(((for the moment( ometimes, )"ould be sitting at my desk, and think about her until ) "orked myself up into a fren&y().d "orry myself into a state, and call her( ut, she.d be okay( Then, the ne#t time my

body started to shake, ).d call, and she "ould be do"n again( nd, again, ).d talk herback up(

The ne#t "eekend, ) "as able to con%ince her to sign herself out on a "eekendpass, again( The pre%ious "eekend, she and ) had agreed that maybe, if she had a *oboutside the home, that might take her mind off her self


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Well, *ust "ait( he probably had to run to the store for something(! ) said(Then it hit me like a thunderbolt What am ) saying9 ) must be an idiot( )f somethingterrible didhappen to her, ) can.t let my daughter find her body! ) dialed my brother-in-la" "ho li%ed only a mile a"ay( ) "as 1F miles a"ay, and "as in charge of a t"o-le%elenclosed mall shopping center( ) "as the manager-on-duty that night( ) couldn.t lea%e(

Dick, rush o%er to my house,! ) told my brother-in-la", and look for arbara!

Why9! he asked(

) don.t kno", but ).m "orried about her( 6lease, rush o%er and see if she needsany help! ) ordered, and hung up( What am ) doing9! ) asked myself, This is my "ifecre" the shopping center, the *ob, all of it( ) ha%e to be there for my "ife!

) picked up the radio phone and called 5all ecurity( 8ou.re in charge, ).%egotta. lea%e right no"! ) *umped in my car, put my pedal to the floor, and sped home

running red lights, stop signs, s"er%ing around traffic( 6anicky, ) "as dri%ing like amadman(

The ambulance, "ith her lifeless body, "as pulling a"ay from the front of myhouse as ) pulled up( ) fell to pieces( 5y life ended at that moment, ne%er to be the sameagain( Torn by anguish and "racked "ith guilt, de%astated at the final loss of e%erything) lo%ed, ) came close to fainting( ) railed against $od, country, the cops, the 7oroner,anybody, and e%erybody, "ithin earshot( The pain of the loss "as indescribable(

5y lo%ely, s"eet "ife "as dead( )t is not important to this story to detail theanguish "e all suffered o%er the ensuing "eeks( ut, suffice it to say, that time stoodstill(((and the future held no promise( )t "asn.t until much later, that ) disco%ered that shehad, indeed, died at 2 in the afternoon(((and on the si#th month anni%ersary of hermother.s death( )t "asn.t until much later, that ) found a ;black., blank %erse poem shehad "ritten, e#pressing her utter despair at ha%ing to li%e "ithout her mother(((and notbeing able to(

Eerthing end&

/amily and friends rushed to be at our side, and help us through the funeral( llof the other +fficers of my Na%y >eser%e unit sho"ed up, unannounced, in full dressuniform, to be the pallbearers(

nd, then, all of a sudden, they "ere all gone( nd, "e "ere left alone( ) askedmy mother to mo%e in "ith us, and stay for a"hile to help hold e%erything together( hedid, as she "as "orried about my emotional state( he organi&ed the household( hemade meals for us( he tried to cheer! us up, but there "as no room in any of our heartsfor any of that C%entually, "hen ) con%inced her that "e "ere stable!, she returned toher home(


30/212

) "ent back to "ork( 5y boss had the audacity to come into my office andflippantly say, Well, that.s behind you no"( Time to get on "ith your life! ) lost it( )shouted, 8ou, bastard 8ou and this stinking company helped kill my "ife by not lettingme take the %acation ) had coming, and no" you "ant to make light of it9!

8ou.re fired,! he said, 7lear out your desk( 8ou.%e got 1J minutes to %acateyour office(! and "ith that, he turned his back on me, and left(

) "ent home( That "eek, ) recei%ed a letter from my, no"-former, employer.shealth insurer( Dear 5r( Tucker,! it read, We are sorry to inform you that your formerhealth policy only co%ers physical ailments, not mental, so "e "ill not be able to pay thePK0,000 mental hospital bill( This is no" your responsibility( 6lease pay it promptly toa%oid any further discomforts(!

) called my bank to see about getting a loan against my home to pay the debt(They informed me that they "ere sorry, but it seemed my "ife had mortgaged the home

to the hilt( he had said something, they reported, about needing the money forpsychiatrists( +h, and by the "ay, you are months behind in your ne" houserepayments,! and they "anted to kno" "hen they could ha%e their money(

) "as stunned into a malaise( 5y "ife "as gone( 5y career "as gone( 5yhealth "as gone


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+h, you don.t ha%e to "orry about your children,! she replied, ince you can.tpro%ide a decent home, the tate "ill take them from you, as an unfit father, and placethem in foster care( They "ill be "ell taken care of,! "as her ans"er to my problem(

That "as the last stra"( ) couldn.t hold it together anymore( C%erything ) hadbuilt o%er a lifetime "as gone, or about to be gone( ) "as crushed( >uined( Defeated(

) sat do"n on my sofa, and stared out the "indo"( There "as nothing to do no",but "ait for them! to come and take e%erything a"ay from me(

ut, damn, ) "as mad The race "as o%er, and ) had lost e%erything( nd, ) "asangry as hell about it )t *ust "asn.t fair We had gone from a happy, successful littlefamily to utter destruction, in a matter of months( ) needed somebody to blame( ) turnedthe e%ents o%er in my mind, and ) hated my employer for trashing my family "hen )needed my *ob the most( ) hated their health insurance company "hich had notified me

that my family health policy did not co%er mental illness -- after-the-fact( ut, my formercompany seemed too puny to hold all of the hate ) felt inside(

o, ) turned my attention to my 7ommanding +fficer, and the Na%y( )t "as theirfault, ) reasoned, for not backing me in my times of tribulation( ut, no, they "ere toopuny, too(

The psychiatrists Those "ere the bastards that caused all of this to happen ut,e%en collecti%ely, they "ere all too puny to absorb the anger, and the hate, that seethed"ithin me(

M! )t "asM!"ho had let my "ife do"n, ) finally reali&ed( )t must be myfault,) thought( ut, ) couldn.t eat that lie, either( ) kne" ho" much ) lo%ed and adored her,and ho" hard ) tried to help( There "as no one to blame(

(uge &houlder&

) sat there, trying to think of "hat ) could do ne#t( ) honestly did not "ant to goon li%ing( ) ached to cra"l into a gra%e ne#t to my "ife, and be "ith her in thehereafter(((e#cept the ma*or problem "ith that "as, ) didn.t belie%e in life after death( )"as an theist(

The only solution that seemed like a semblance of a plan "as to kill myself(Then, at least, my children "ould inherit my life insurance, ) rationali&ed, and ) "ould beout of my pain, and out of this stinking life(


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8ou astard! ) shouted out loud at my ceiling( ) don.t kno" if 8ou are upthere, but if8ou are, ).m telling 8ou that you are a poor e#cuse for a ;god. )f 8ou "eremad at me for being an atheist, then "hy didn.t you kill me9! ) demanded of the ceiling(Why kill the one person "ho trusted 8ou and lo%ed 8ou so much9 Why hurt our

children by depri%ing them of their mother, "ho, thanks to their mother, also belie%e in8ou 8ou are a filthy, stinking, rotten s(o(b( 8ou astard((("#$ %&''!( M" W&F!!and ) broke do"n, sobbing, a crumpled mess(

The ceiling said nothing(

) stared out the "indo"(

That.s it,! ) thought to myself( The only solution to all of my problems is that )ha%e to die! ) looked back up at my ceiling(

Well, 8ou piece of crap, $od, 8ou(((8ou miserable, stinking s(o(b( ).m notsticking around to feel thispain for the ne#t E0 years ).m outa. here cre" 8ou, and all8our faith crap ).m taking my life, and then ).ll be dead(((no afterlife( ?ust out of thispain and agony( ) can.t bear it any longer ).m going to star%e myself to death, and thereis)#*+&)G8ou can do about it 8ou can.t stop me, because ) am more po"erful than8ou, 8ou phony e#cuse for a ;god. ll lo%ing,&)(!!( $o to hell, 8ourself! ) "asreally gi%ing it to my ceiling( ) "as %enting like mad(

The ceiling "as silent(


33/212

Chapter "

The !or#ula for Getting $ira%le&

$ira%le&...

) continued to rant and ra%e "ith my plan( ) "ill not eat for the ne#t G "eeks! )announced, out loud, to my ceiling( Then ) "ill die of star%ation( The kids can eat atfriends. homes( They.re hardly home anymore, any"ay( This is certainly not a fun placeto be( This is "here their mother died, 8ou bastard esides, ) don.t ha%e any food in thehouse, and no money to buy any "ith 'ere ).ll tell 8ou "hat ).ll sho" 8ou *ust ho"puny 8ou are ) don.t care if 8ou deli%er supper to my front door e%ery day for the ne#t G"eeks ).m N+T eating ) don.t care if supper sho"s up on my doorstep at J o.clocke%ery day( ) don.t eat( ) die( The game is o%er( ).m finally done "ith 8our hole of astinking "orld!

) hesitated for a moment( Why did ) *ust say J o.clock, ) "ondered9 fter all, "edidn.t eat until K00pm, ordinarily( +h, "ell, "hat difference did it make9 ) shrugged itoff(

The kids came home from school( 5y plan "as in place( ) "ould allo" myself toha%e all of the coffee "ith cream and sugar in it, and all of the cigarettes ) "anted, to easethe star%ation pains, but, food "as out of the uestion

!ree !ood The !ir&t $ira%le

t J o.clock that day, the doorbell rang( )t "as pril, "ho li%ed kitty-corner

across the street( he "as holding a pot( What do you "ant, pril9! ) snapped(

Well, ) feel so badly about arbara and all((("ell((().%e made supper for you andthe girls,! she said e#tending the pot(

)f you "ant to feed the kids,! ) ans"ered her, they.re in the other room, but ).mnot eating(! pril came in, and fed the girls, "ashed her pot and the dishes, and left(

) sat on the sofa all the ne#t day, staring out the "indo"(((feeling sorry formyself((( "aiting to die(

t J o.clock that second day, my doorbell rang( ) ans"ered it to a stranger ) hadne%er seen before(

'ello, 5r( Tucker,! she smiled( 8ou don.t kno" me, and ) don.t kno" you, but) used to attend 7hurch "ith your lo%ely "ife, and ) feel so badly about your tragedy, that) "anted to do something for you(((so, ).%e made supper, for you and your children(! nd,she held out a pot of food(


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Well, the kids are in the other room, but ).m not eating(! he came in and fedthe girls, "ashed her pot and the dishes, and left(

The ne#t day, at the stroke of J00 pm, my doorbell rang again( No", there "asanother "oman ) didn.t kno" standing on my stoop holding a pot

re you 5r( Tucker9! she asked( 8ou don.t kno" me, and ) don.t kno" you,but, ) li%e t"o blocks o%er, and ) felt so badly "hen ) heard about your tragedy, that )"anted to do something nice for you, and your children(((so ).%e made supper for you(!he thrust a pot of food at me(

)f you "ant to feed the kids, they.re in the other room, but ).m not eating,! )said( he came in, fed the girls, "ashed her pot and the dishes, and left(

The fourth day, the doorbell rang, again, at J00 pm( ) ans"ered it, and it "as stillanother "oman ) didn.t kno"( he had the same message(((and so did )(

Do you go to our 7hurch9! ) asked, bitterly thinking that maybe there "as aconspiracy! of sorts being played out in the neighborhood(

+h, no, ) go to the 7atholic 7hurch o%er on @oomis,! she said( ) didn.t kno"any 7atholics in the neighborhood, so ) took her at her "ord(

The same thing happened again and again, the fifth day, the si#th day, the se%enthday, etc(, etc(, etc( During all of these %isits, by different strangers e%ery day, for the ne#tt"o "eeks, all at J o.clock, and all carrying food(((none of this registered! "ith me( )didn.t think anything of it( ?ust some do-gooders! butting in, "as my self-pityingattitude( ) spent my days *ust sitting on my sofa staring out the "indo", "aiting to die ofstar%ation(

y the 1Hth day in a ro" of these %isits, ) "as perple#ed( ) "as no"here neardying( ) had only lost about 2J pounds, and actually "as starting to look trim( )pondered *ust ho" long it "ould take to die of star%ation( Then, slo"ly, the light startedto come on in my head( What wasthis9 What "as going on, ) "ondered9 Why "erethese "omen sho"ing up on my doorstep "ith food9 Was there a conspiracy operatingbehind my back, after all9

ut,! ) thought, Wait a minute &,mthe one "ho said, ;supper at my door at Jo.clock. Nobody else heard me say thatto my ceiling ay, "ait a minute( )t couldn.tbe(((could it9 Na", no" ).m losing my mind( ?ust a coincidence!

The silence, and the unans"ered uestions in my mind, hung hea%y( /inally, )looked up at the ceiling, and said out loud, What is this9 )s this some sort of ;miracledemonstration.9 couple of free meals, and 8ou call *+A*a miracle9 $o to hellLeep 8our damn food @isten 8ou "ant to getM!back9 $et arbara out of theground >aise her from the dead, like you did @a&arus and ?esus, and that little girl, and


35/212

so many others reported in the ible *+!)8ou get me back *+!)).ll belie%e inmiracles )n the meantime, ).m not eating((() die((() "in by escaping from this hellhole8ou call a ;"orld.(((and "#$lose ecause((()(((am(((more((( po"erful(((than(((8ou!

The ceiling didn.t respond, of course(

+n the 1th day, ) peeked out my li%ing room drapes at J minutes before Jo.clock( ure enough, there "as some little old lady toddling do"n the street to"ard myhouse carrying a pot ) "atched my "rist"atch( +ne minute to go, as she passed thehouse ne#t door( ing-bong, "ent the doorbell at the %ery stroke of J00 pm on my"atch ) ans"ered the door, and "e e#changed the same "ords that had happened e%eryday for the past, almost, G "eeks( he came in, fed the girls, "ashed the dishes, and left() sat and "atched in ama&ement(

The 20th day ) didn.t e%en bother to look out the "indo"( ) stood by the frontdoor at one minute to J00 pm staring at my "atch, and "ondering if it "as fast or slo",

and pondering "hy the doorbell al"ays rang "hen my"atch read J o.clock9 t fi%eseconds before the stroke of J, ) pulled the door open, and sa" another stranger step upon the stoop, and reach for the bell

fter she left, ) sat on the sofa and thought long, deep and hard about the e%entsof the past "eeks( This goes "ay beyond coincidence,! ) thought( ut(((it can.t be a;miracle.,! ) reasoned( There ha%en.t been any ;miracles. for t"o thousand years 'a%ethere9 ) mustbe losing my mind( That.s it ).m o%er the edge( ).m delirious from lackof food(! ) couldn.t shake the feeling that ) "as li%ing in some sort of a T"ilight Rone!() need ans"ers, ) thought to myself( ) rushed around the house looking for our medicaldictionary( When ) found it, ) looked up tar%ation!( )t said that the human body couldgo "ithout food for t"o months ut, a person could die from dehydration in three"eeks( ) flashed back on all of the pots of coffee ) had been drinking, and laced "ithsugar and milk -- glucose -- the substance of life

What an idiot ).%e been,! ) thought to myself( +kay, this nonsense has gone onlong enough ) looked back up at my ceiling, and said, +kay(((if 8ou.re up there, listenup ) "as "rong( ) can.t die in three "eeks from star%ation( -ut, ) canand surely willdie, if ) don.t eat for threemonths o, that.s the ne" plan ).m not eating for the ne#tthree months "hether 8ou deli%er food to my doorstep at J o.clock, or not Then, surely) "ill die, and 8ou "ill lose, and ) "ill be out of my pain and agony, so ) "ill finallywin! ) felt like cackling hysterically, but thought that a bit o%er-dramatic, so ) didn.t(

The ne#t day, a aturday, and the 21st day since my G-"eek ordeal had begun, thedoorbell rang at J o.clock( ) pulled the door open, and stared at the man standing theredressed all in "hite -- "hite shirt, "hite "ork pants, and sporting a little black bo"tie( )looked past him to his "hite panel truck parked at the curb( )t had a black bo"tie logopainted on it, and under it, it read, >on.s 7atering!(


36/212

'i( ).m >on of >on.s 7atering,! he announced( ll of your former employeesand friends at the shopping center feel %ery badly about your loss( They "anted to dosomething nice for you, so they took up a collection and raised PJ,000( They didn.t "antto *ust gi%e you the money( They thought that "ould be too crass( o, they.%e hired meto bring you and your children supper e%ery day for the ne#t three months( )s J o.clock

okay9!

) stood there fro&en(((dumbfounded( +owin the "orld could this-!9 This is*ust too surrealistic ) can.t be hearing "hat ) am hearing &,Mthe one "ho said to myceiling ;three months. &,Mthe one "ho said ;J o.clock. nd then it struck me( )couldn.t "in this contest of "ills( No matter "hat ) said or did, the food "as going tokeep on coming ) burst out laughing( ) laughed hysterically, "ith tears streaming do"nmy face( ) opened the door "ider, and "ith a bo"ing, s"eeping motion of my arm, bademy %isitor in( 'e set a sil%er tray do"n on the table and announced, Don.t bother to"ash our dishes( We take them back dirty, and sterili&e them in our kitchens(! nd, "iththat, he left(

) looked back up at the ceiling, and said, +kay( 8ou "in( ).ll eat(! ) called thegirls, and "e shared a meal together for the first time in "eeks(

The ne#t morning, "ith, no", rene"ed %igor, ) plopped do"n on my sofa to stareout the "indo", and think about "hat "as ne#t( ) "as still in total ruin( ) o"ed themental institution PK0,000, and "as being dunned for payment -- an amount ) figured )couldn.t sa%e in three lifetimes if) had a *ob ) still had no *ob, and no money( Thehouse "as on its "ay out from under me, and the kids "ere about to be taken from meany day no"( nd, ) "as e#pecting to be ordered to 7ourt 5artial by the Na%y, any day(nd, damn, that itching "as continuing unabated, although the dermatologist.s creamhelped relie%e the intensity of it(

) thought and ) thought( ny "ay ) thought about it, there seemed to be nosolution at hand( 5y life "as still to be the "retched e#perience the pain of losing my"onderful, beautiful "ife had made it(

Then a selfish thought crossed my mind( ) looked up at the ceiling(((that"onderful, silent ceiling, and said, +kay, ig $uy( 8ou made this mess ) am in, and8ou dug this pit for me, and 8ou are making me stay ali%e, so "ou fi# it 6ut PK0,000 inmy mailbo# o%er the ne#t G0 days )f 8ou can deli%er three months and three "eeks offree food to my doorstep, a measly PK0,000 should be easy for 8ou! ) demanded(

!ree $one The Se%ond $ira%le

The ne#t day, "hen ) "ent to my mailbo#, ) found one en%elope in it( )n theen%elope "as a check for PJ00( eems it "as a rebate, of some sort, for something "ehad purchased, some time in the past, that ) had no recollection of( ) accepted thatunuestioningly(


37/212

The ne#t day there "as, again, one en%elope in my mailbo#( )n it "as a checkfrom an old ir /orce buddy for P2,000( The enclosed letter read, Dear ill, 'ere is theP1,000 you loaned me 20 years ago, "ith another P1,000 for interest( Thanks a lot! )had forgotten all about that loan(

The ne#t day, again, one en%elope( This time it "as a letter from the )nternal>e%enue er%ice( )t seems ) had made a mistake on my ta#es 10 years before and hadoverpaidmy ta#es Cnclosed "as a check for PJ,000 The first thought that fle"through my mind "as, ) thought the )> only "ent back F years

C%ery day after that, there "as al"ays one en%elope in my mailbo#( trangerstill, there "as ne%er any *unk mail, and, no bills in my mailbo# nd, e%ery en%elopehad some money in it( mall amounts, large amounts(((for e#ample, ) "on! a radiostation contest ) don.t remember entering(

y the 2th day, ) had collected P1J,000 from my mailbo# :nbelie%able

/reaky :nheard of 'o" could this possibly be9 ut, if ) "as certain of nothing else,there "asn.t a shado" of a doubt in my mind that ) "ould ha%e the "hole PK0,000 by thene#t day, the last day of the month ) had gi%en $od to deli%er the money(

+n the G0th day, ) "ent to my mailbo#, and dre" out the one en%elope that "as inthere( )t "as thin(((too thin, ) thought, to hold PEJ,000( ) opened it, and found a letter,and a check( The check "as for PEJ,000 The letter "as from my former employer.shealth insurer( )t read in part, Dear 5r( Tucker, )n re%ie"ing your medical claim foryour "ife.s recent illness, "e note that some mental illness are caused by a chemicalimbalance in the brain( chemical imbalance could be interpreted as a physical, notstrictly mental, condition( )nasmuch as your "ife has passed on, and a determination ofthe cause cannot no" be made, "e ha%e decided to err on the side of a chemicalimbalance physical cause( Cnclosed, please find our check for FJQ of your "ife.shospital bill( We hope that this has not incon%enienced you in any "ay(!

) "as stunned(((but, and here.s the important part(((not surprised ) fully expectedto find that check in my mailbo#, although ) had no idea from "here it "ould come(


38/212

Chapter '(ow to Get $ira%le&

=*laddin>& $agi% 5a#p?

reathing room ) took the entire amount and paid off the mental institutionNo",! ) said, being on familiar terms "ith my ceiling by no", We(((er, "#$ha%e to dosomething to finish sa%ing the house( ) need some operating cash to make the loanpayments arbara borro"ed against the house(! Then,& put it out of my mind


39/212

Wh #e@

s ) sat on the sofa and contemplated this strange turn of e%ents, ) thought tomyself, Why me9 5e, of all people( ) hadn.t been a ;believer.( There are plenty of

people trucking on do"n to their local 7hurch e%ery unday asking for miracles, and notgetting them( Why should ) be singled out9 Those people ;deserve. a miracle, for thedemonstration of their faithfulness((( not me ) "as a ;heathen. Why "ould $od ha%edeigned to ans"er my;prayers.9! nd, ) "ondered "hat "as ne#t, in this strange seriesof e%ents happening tome, not becauseof me(

The uestion plagued me( ) had to ha%e an ans"er( ) rushed through the houselooking for my "ife.s ible( 5aybe the ans"er "as in there ) found it, and, being outof "ork, decided that ) "ould read it, co%er-to-co%er, until ) found an ans"er to myuestion( ) had opened the ook a fe" times in my childhood, but uickly put it do"nagain, as ) found the language too hard to follo"( When, as a young adult, ) "as looking

into %arious religions, the ible turned me off, because there "as so much ;*udgmental.stuff about $od killing some people in ans"er to other people.s prayers, that it *ust didn.tseem right to me(

ut, no", ) "as on a mission( ) read the ible all the "ay through, +ld Testamentand Ne", "ithout finding "hat ) "as looking for( ) read all day long, day after day(What ) diddisco%er "as that it "asn.t that hard to understand, after all( ) determined tore-read it again(

+n the second reading, ) still didn.t find "hat ) "as looking for( ut, ) learnedsomething else( ) learned that the ible "as a %ery simple document to understand( o

simple, in fact, that a child could follo" it(((if they made the effort( ) disco%ered that it"as so simple that all of the ooks of the ible seemed to boil do"n to one message(nd, ama&ingly, the message "as al"ays the same -- elie%e in $od

ut, ) still needed an ans"er to my uestion -- Why me9 o, ) determined toread it once again( This time ) found "hat ) "as looking for There, in black and "hite,in 5ark 1122-2J "as a formula! for getting a miracle(((any miracle(((*ust for the asking() reali&ed instantly "hy many people didn.t get their miracle reuests( They "ere onlydoing the first part of a three-part formula!( s ) reflected on my recent e#periences, )reali&ed "ith ama&ement that ) had inad%ertently done all three $od had no choiceccording to this passage in the ible, "hen one follo"s the instructions, implicitly, $od

promisesthat $od "ill grant the reuest

)t "as ob%ious to me, a non-belie%er, that if one faithfully applied the formula!,one could not fail to be granted his "ish because God Promised, and, so, if it didn.thappen, only one of t"o things could possibly be true( Cither there "as no$od, or $od.sa liar( ince neither are true, $od hasto come through Siola laddin.s 5agic @ampThe alchemist The magic eli#ir The pot of gold at the end of the rainbo" ll "eremine ) "as a-eliever(((again


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) pondered the bent blade of grass reuest, and the reuest for the drops of rain tofall from a blue sky( ) "as thunderstruck ) had not believed, in ad%ance nd that "asthe operati%e part of the ;formula.( ) "as looking for $od to gi%e meproof that $ode#isted ut, the .rule/is, /aithF&0S*, *+!)proof! )f merely asking for $od to

pro%e $od.s elf "ere enough, e%erybody "ould be a elie%er!, and then faith andbelief "ouldn.t be necessary ) didn.t understand at the time "hy $od had set up such asystem( )t "asn.t until decades later, "hen ) read 'is thought behind the "holecomposition of life and the "orld, in Neale Donald Walsch.s trilogy of books,Conversations With God!, that ) came to understand this most sublime, subtle andlo%ing construct( ll the ible tells us, is to elie%e in $od! o%er and o%er again(pparently, "e don.t( Crgo, the reason for the admonition(

Why me9 ecause, "hen ) "as talking to my ceiling


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ad%ance, that it "ill happen, and the promise is, it "ill be done unto you( 5oreo%er, intep G, $od ne%er *udges any of 'is children, and $od certainly doesn.t find any of them"anting( 'o" could $od9 $od created this "hole "orldly concept, didn.t $od9 oho" could $od possibly hold us accountable for "hat $od made9

?esus, as one religion.s e#ample, says o%er, and o%er, and o%er again, ?udge not,lest ye be *udged!( ) interpret that as a t"o-part thought


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"ant to be on the right hand of $od! getting our needs! met, and ha%ing miracleshappen in our li%es, or not( )f *ealousy and *udgments, and re%enge and retribution andanger and hate are all more important to us than li%ing in lo%e "ith our fello" man, thenthat is ho" "e are free to li%e( That is the definition of /ree Will!( ll ) kno" is, if $odhad offered methe apple in paradise, ).d like to think that ).d ha%e taken a pass( s it is,

$od didn.t, and according to earthly religions, ) am tainted as a sinner from birth becausesomeone else did( That.s a fairy tale ), personally, can.t subscribe to( fter all, my$od isanAll 'ovin$od( $od "ouldn.t ha%e *udged them and found them "anting, and $oddoesn.t *udge me(

tep G isn.t easy, but it.s do-able if "e put our heart and mind to it( 'ere.s "hat )do) rise abo%e the issue of the moment, and consider the source( ) ha%e come to reali&e thatall mankind "ere made by $od, and are 'is children, and all are lo%ing beings trying toget along in this "orld all alone, and are fearful( /earful of failure( /earful of making amistake( /earful of being hurt, physically, or emotionally( )n fact, *ust fearful of

anything and e%erything( When ) step back and focus on the fact that e%erybody is *usttrying to do their best, it.s easy to forgi%e them, regardless of ho" stupid, or mean, theyact(

peaking of fear!(((*ust listen to "hat people are saying( omeone might readthis book, and say, ).m afraid ) can.t belie%e "hat he is saying!( nd that statement is astrue as it could possibly be( TheyA0!afraid( They are afraid! to belie%e it(((or theyA0!afraidthat it is not true( nd, they are telling us this "ith their %ery "ords( Cither"ay, the operati%e part of that statement seems to me to be, they are afraid!(((fearful!(ll mankind seems to be afraid( nd, "hat are they afraid of, really9 ) think the big oneis death!( ut, e%en more importantly, it seems to me that they are afraid that maybe$od does not e#ist, and "e are here all alone( 'o" sad for them( 'o" sad for us( 'o"sad it "as for me

ut, in tep 2( elie%ing in ad%ance!, ) found it nearly impossible to do, orunbelie%ably easy( )ronically, ) disco%ered uite by accident!


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Chapter )Getting $ira%le& for the *&+ing andBelieing

!ree $ira%le&

ut first, back to the story of my accidental! disco%ery of ho" miracles happen(eser%e 7ommanding +fficer, and aboutthe Na%y, both of "hom, ) felt, "ere insensiti%e to my family plight, and therebycontributed, to some degree, to my "ife.s untimely death(

)t "as fairly simple to forgi%e the institution! of the Na%y( fter all, institutionsare made up of people, but collecti%ely, those people "ere not e%en a"are of my "ife.splight( s for my 7ommanding +fficer, it "as easy to forgi%e him, as "ell, because of anincident that happened *ust a couple of days after the funeral(

Those "ere the "orst days of my life( The pain of the loss of my "onderful, kind,sensiti%e and lo%ing "ife "as unbearable( ) felt a great "eight crushing in on my chestmaking it hard to breath( The stress o%erload of it made me drop off to sleep in themiddle of a sentence, and then ) "ould a"ake moments later, only to find the pain still"ith me( ) "asn.t thinking clearly, nor rationally( ) "as chain-smoking cigarettes, andeating little(

5y 7ommanding +fficer, %ery sympathetic no" o%er the ultimate turn of e%ents,and maybe feeling a little guilty, called me up one night and said, ill, ) can appreciate"hat you are going through( couple of years ago, my "ife left me, and took my kids"ith her( That "as bad enough( ut then, the ne#t "eek, my parents "ere both killed ina car accident caused by a drunk dri%er( 5y $randparents, on one side, upon hearing thene"s of their son.s death, both died of a heart attack, simultaneously( 5y other$randmother, upon hearing the ne"s, also had a heart attack and died, and her husband,my other $randfather, not "anting to li%e "ithout his "ife, took his o"n life( o, in thespace of a month, ) "ent from ha%ing a large, e#tended, happy, and lo%ing family, tobeing totally alone in the "orld )t "as a crushing blo"( +ne that ) could not ha%e


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sur%i%ed had it not been for a friend of mine "ho called me up, and made me promise thefollo"ing, that ) am going to make you promise to me(

+ne night, some night not too long from no", you "ill a"ake at G00 am( 8ou"ill light up a cigarette, and you "ill sit in the dark re-e#periencing the pain of your loss(

8ou "ill cry( 8ou "ill ponder the "orth of continuing on( 8ou "ill decide to end it all,and you "ill "alk into the kitchen, take out a car%ing knife, and slit y

gods book revised- bill tucker

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