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PrepGenie GAMSAT Sample Essays Evaluated Sample Essay - 001

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The best social program is a good job.

Title: A good job has countless benefits

In todays society, it is difficult to define a good job. I say this because it can sometimes be wrongly assumed that jobs in a certain sector or category are better than others. However, in reality, this is not the case. In order to have a successful economy and country, we need to have people who can fit a variety of jobs. As we are all individuals, with our own interests and skills, this can make the range of job roles positively variable. Although this is true, I believe that the structure of a good job (as deemed by society) has many benefits for the people who work in them. When you consider mental heathhealth, crime and the economy of a country-the benefits are tangible.

Unfortunately, in society there is a stigma associated with certain roles. I will not give endless examples, but we are preconditioned to respect a CEO of a multinational company more than a cleaner working in one of their premises. However, despite this distinction, having any job is better than not having a job at all. We are aware from endless reports on this matter and clear links made between unemployment and mental health problems. Without a job, your place in society is not among the majority and may leave you feeling isolated. Of course this is only one problem; I have not mentioned that unemployed people will not feel as financially stable as someone with a job. Thus, although there are plenty of reasons why people have difficulties in life, I believe that it is made more difficult without a job.

A friend of mine works for a charity that helps fund local charities in Scotland. One project she is working on at the moment is to help train and aid people from notoriously deprived areas of Glasgow. This area is known for high crime rates and gangs. However, one extremely positive story she mentioned to me is that she helped one man from this group find a job and how his whole life has turned around because of this intervention. This story is the one which my friend uses when she looks for more funding from local companies. Finding a job may not help in every case, but it could certainly help and maybe even decrease the crime rate.

Finally, good jobs in certain sectors can prove to be extremely advantageous for certain countries. Ireland, for example, is known for excellent science, engineering and IT graduates. As we are known for this, we have benefitted from an influx of multinational companies including Dell, which have decided to have a factory in Ireland. This was part of the reason Ireland was so prosperous during the Celtic tiger when our country benefitted economically. It was this prosperity that attracted more companies to locate in Ireland; an almost domino effect which gave us an international name for excellence.

In conclusion, have mentioned that it is difficult to define what a good job is-but having a job in todaystodays society can be a wonderful asset for a country and its people.

Total: 64/100

Concept and Expression: 27/40

The essay has been overall well-written. The ideas have been expressed pretty well and your coherence of thought comes through clearly. There are a few areas with scope for improvement, but you can deal with them with a little more attention.

Whenever you present a hypotheses in your essay, make sure you have explained the same. For instance, in the introduction to the essay, you have stated that a good job has many benefits when the mental health, crime rate and economy of a country are concerned; however, you have not explained why you think this essay. Unless you explain a hypothesis with ample arguments and illustrations, there is nothing to validate the hypothesis, which means that you have not been able to convince the examiner of the same.

Illustrations must be used appropriately in an essay, that is, you must put them relevantly and also know where to place them. For instance, in the second paragraph of the essay, you have stated that we are aware from various reports that having any job is better than having none, and that joblessness and mental illness have often been linked. In both these cases, you would have made your argument stand really strong had you added some examples of such reports. Even a case that you have seen yourself or heard from someone- that is, a personal example- would have been really appropriate in this respect.

Using the personal example of the friend was a great idea. It makes the impression that you understand the topic well enough to be able to identify with and relate to it.

Comment [NS1]: This is a hypotheses. You need to explain it.

Comment [NS2]: These are two ideas expressed together.

Comment [NS3]: This is a hypothesis and must be explained.

Comment [NS4]: This is a nice touch!

Comment [NS5]: Some explanation required.

Comment [NS6]: Avoid such phrases.

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Unfortunately, in society there is a stigma associated with certain roles. I will not give endless examples, but we

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Unfortunately, in society there is a stigma associated with certain roles. I will not give endless examples, but we

PrepGeniere than a cleaner working in one of their

PrepGeniere than a cleaner working in one of their

PrepGenieWe are aware

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PrepGeniefrom endless reports on this matter and clear links made between unemployment and mental health problems.

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PrepGenieWithout a job, your place in society is not among the majority and may leave you feeling isolated

PrepGenieWithout a job, your place in society is not among the majority and may leave you feeling isolated. Of course this is

PrepGenie. Of course this is

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PrepGenieonly one problem; I have not mentioned that unemployed people will not feel as financially stable as someone

PrepGenieonly one problem; I have not mentioned that unemployed people will not feel as financially stable as someone lthough there are plenty of reasons why people have difficulties in life, I believe that it is made

PrepGenielthough there are plenty of reasons why people have difficulties in life, I believe that it is made that helps fund local charities in Scotland. One project she is working on at

PrepGeniethat helps fund local charities in Scotland. One project she is working on at moment is to help train and aid people from notoriously deprived areas of Glasgow. This area is known for high

PrepGeniemoment is to help train and aid people from notoriously deprived areas of Glasgow. This area is known for high crime rates and gangs. However, one extremely positive story she mentioned to me is that she helped one man

PrepGeniecrime rates and gangs. However, one extremely positive story she mentioned to me is that she helped one man

s whole life has turned around because of this intervention. This story is the

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s whole life has turned around because of this intervention. This story is the one which my friend uses when she looks for more funding from local companies. Finding a job may not help in

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one which my friend uses when she looks for more funding from local companies. Finding a job may not help in every case, but it could certainly help and maybe even decrease the

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every case, but it could certainly help and maybe even decrease the crime rate.

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crime rate.

Finally, good jobs in certain sectors can prove to be extremely advantageous for certain countries. Ireland, for

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Finally, good jobs in certain sectors can prove to be extremely advantageous for certain countries. Ireland, for example, is known for excellent science, engineering and IT graduates. As we are known for this, we have

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example, is known for excellent science, engineering and IT graduates. As we are known for this, we have x of multinational companies including Dell, which have decided to have a factory in

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x of multinational companies including Dell, which have decided to have a factory in

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Ireland. This was part of the reason Ireland was so prosperous during the

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Ireland. This was part of the reason Ireland was so prosperous during the Celtic tiger

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Celtic tiger when our country

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when our country

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benefitted economically. It was this prosperity that attracted

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benefitted economically. It was this prosperity that attracted more companies to locate in Ireland; an almost

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more companies to locate in Ireland; an almost domino effect which gave us an international name for excellence.

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domino effect which gave us an international name for excellence.

, have mentioned that it is difficult to define what a good job is

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, have mentioned that it is difficult to define what a good job is-

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-but having a job in

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but having a job in todays

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todays

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ful asset for a country and its people.

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ful asset for a country and its people.


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The essay has been overall well

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The essay has been overall well-

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-written. The ideas have been expressed pretty well and your coherence of thought

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written. The ideas have been expressed pretty well and your coherence of thought

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comes through clearly. There are a few areas with scope for improvement, but you can

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comes through clearly. There are a few areas with scope for improvement, but you can

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attention.

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attention.

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Whenever yo

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Whenever you present a hypotheses in your essay, make sure

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u present a hypotheses in your essay, make sure you

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you have explained the same.

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have explained the same.

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introduction to the essay, you have stated that a

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introduction to the essay, you have stated that a good job has many benefits when the mental health, crime rate

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good job has many benefits when the mental health, crime rate

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and economy of a country

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and economy of a country are

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are concerned;

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concerned; however, you have not explained why you think this e

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however, you have not explained why you think this e

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explain

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explain a hypothesis with ample arguments a

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a hypothesis with ample arguments an

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nd

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d illustrations

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illustrations

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means that you have not been able to convince the examiner of the same. PrepGenie

means that you have not been able to convince the examiner of the same. PrepGenie

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Illustrations must be used appropriately in an essay, that is, you must put them relevantly and also know where to PrepGenie

lustrations must be used appropriately in an essay, that is, you must put them relevantly and also know where to PrepGenie

place them. For instance, in the second PrepGenie

place them. For instance, in the second paragraphPrepGenie

paragraphPrepGenie

reports PrepGenie

reports that having PrepGenie

that having anyPrepGenie

any job is better than having none, and that joblessness and mental PrepGenie

job is better than having none, and that joblessness and mental PrepGenie

linked. In PrepGenie

linked. In bothPrepGenie

both these cases, PrepGenie

these cases, you would have made your argument stand really strong had you added some examples PrepGenie

you would have made your argument stand really strong had you added some examples PrepGenie

of such reports. PrepGenie

of such reports. Even a case that you have seen yourselfPrepGenie

Even a case that you have seen yourselfPrepGenie

would have been really appropriate in this respect. PrepGenie

would have been really appropriate in this respect. PrepGenie

Using the personal example PrepGenie

Using the personal example of the friend PrepGenie

of the friend PrepGenie

well enough to be able to identify with and relate to it. PrepGenie

well enough to be able to identify with and relate to it. PrepGenie

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Comment [NS1]:

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Comment [NS1]: This is a hypotheses. You need

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This is a hypotheses. You need to explain it.

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to explain it.

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PrepGenieComment [NS2]: These are two ideas expressed

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PrepGenieThis is a hypothesis and must be explained.

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It is incorrect to assume that the examiner will be able to understand every reference you make; in fact, it is advisable that you write with the assumption that the examiner knows nothing of them. Whatever reference you make, make sure that it is accompanied with a brief explanation. This will make your arguments stronger since the relation between the argument and the illustration will become clearer. Of course, do keep in mind that you must not get carried away; write only what is absolutely necessary. This is something that was required in the example of the Celtic tiger.

Avoid expressing too many ideas in a single paragraph. In the second paragraph of this essay, you have stated that certain jobs are stigmatised, while others are venerated. This is a very good example of seeing the topic from various perspectives. However, it would have been much better structuring if you had not moved from this idea to the fact that any job is better than none- all in the same paragraph. Both ideas are very suitable for this essay, but since they are almost contradictory, placing them in the same paragraph makes the impression that you are contradicting yourself.

Framework: 22/40

Ideally, there is one paragraph allotted to each idea. Merging of ideas, on the other hand, is extremely important. When you make the transition from one paragraph to the next and hence to a separate idea, it is essential that you end the previous paragraph on a note that allows scope for the next paragraph to begin. In short, the ending of one paragraph/idea should hold the germ of the next.

The title you have used in this essay can be improved upon greatly. While it is quite short, it fails to invoke the interest of the reader. You need to ensure that the title that you use is an intriguing one. Remember that the title is the first place in the essay where you can grab the attention of the reader. A such, it is essential that you make the title a thought-provoking one. It should set the tone of your essay and give the reader a glimpse of what is coming, while at the same time, it must not give away too much. Playing with words is a good idea when you are formulating the title. Take a quote or a proverb, and twist it around to suit your purpose.

Avoid using phrases like in conclusion, in summary, wrapping up etc in your conclusion. Such phrases make the write-up look wooden. The conclusion should be written in such a way that it becomes obvious that you are wrapping up the essay, without you having to say so explicitly.

Apart from this, you have maintained the ideal structure of an essay, complete with the title, introduction, separate body paragraphs and a conclusion.

Linguistic Accuracy: 15/20

Grammatically speaking, there are no errors in this essay. You need to take care of your spellings. There are very few, but they stand out all the more because of the fact that the write-up is good in so many other aspects. It would be a good idea to review your essay once you are done with it; such mistakes are common when you are writing in a flow, and you will be able to eliminate the in a review. Letting such mistakes remain makes the impression of negligence, which is NOT GOOD.

Practising time management is a good way of ensuring that you have at least 5 minutes at the end of section 2 to review your write-ups. For this, practise writing by hand, so that you can increase your writing speed. Keep tab on your progress until you are able to write coherently and still have some time left at the end.

Of course, the language and style of the essay can be considerably improved. You can certainly work toward making the sentences more interesting. Adding some humour never goes amiss! Remember that the examiner will be reading through a lot of essays, and the more interesting and lucid your write-up is, the better chance you have of improving your score. Fluidity of language is much desired here.

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not moved from this idea to

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not moved from this idea to

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Both ideas are very suitable for this essay, but

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Both ideas are very suitable for this essay, but

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are almost contradictory, placing them in the same paragraph makes the impression that you are

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are almost contradictory, placing them in the same paragraph makes the impression that you are

PrepGeniehand, is extremely important.

PrepGeniehand, is extremely important.

PrepGenieWhen you make the transition from one paragraph to the next and hence to a separate idea, it is essential that you

PrepGenieWhen you make the transition from one paragraph to the next and hence to a separate idea, it is essential that you

PrepGenieprevious paragraph on a note that allows scope for the next paragraph to begin. In short, the

PrepGenieprevious paragraph on a note that allows scope for the next paragraph to begin. In short, the ending

PrepGenieending of

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PrepGenieThe title you have used in this essay can be improved upon greatly. While it is quite short, it fails to invoke the

PrepGenieThe title you have used in this essay can be improved upon greatly. While it is quite short, it fails to invoke the

PrepGenieinterest of the reader. You need to ensure that the title that you use is an intriguing one

PrepGenieinterest of the reader. You need to ensure that the title that you use is an intriguing one. Remember that the titl

PrepGenie. Remember that the title

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is the first place in the essay where you can grab the attention of the reader. A such,

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is the first place in the essay where you can grab the attention of the reader. A such, it is essential that you make

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it is essential that you make

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set the tone of your essay

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set the tone of your essay and give the reader a glimpse of what is

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and give the reader a glimpse of what is

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Playing with words is a good idea when you are

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Playing with words is a good idea when you are

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formulating the title. Take a quote or a proverb, and twist it around to suit your purpose.

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formulating the title. Take a quote or a proverb, and twist it around to suit your purpose.

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Avoid using phrases like in conclusion, in summary, wrapping up etc

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Avoid using phrases like in conclusion, in summary, wrapping up etc in your conclusion. Such phrases make

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in your conclusion. Such phrases make

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oden. The conclusion should be written in such a way that it becomes obvious that you are

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oden. The conclusion should be written in such a way that it becomes obvious that you are

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explicitly.

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explicitly.

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eal structure of an essay, complete with

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eal structure of an essay, complete with the title, introduction,

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the title, introduction,

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Grammatically speaking, there are no erro

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Grammatically speaking, there are no error

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rs in this essay.

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s in this essay. You need to take care of your spellings. There are very

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You need to take care of your spellings. There are very

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few, but they stand out all the more because of the fact that

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the write

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the write-

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-up is good in so many other aspects. It

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up is good in so many other aspects. It

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would be a good idea to review your essay once you are done with it;

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would be a good idea to review your essay once you are done with it; such mistakes are c

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such mistakes are c

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writing in a flow, and you will be able to eliminate the in a review. Letting such mistakes remain make

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writing in a flow, and you will be able to eliminate the in a review. Letting such mistakes remain make

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of negligence, which is NOT GOOD.

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of negligence, which is NOT GOOD.

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Practising time management is a good

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Practising time management is a good way of ensuring that you have at least 5 minutes at the end of section 2 to

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way of ensuring that you have at least 5 minutes at the end of section 2 to

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review your write

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review your write-

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-ups. For this, practise writing by hand, so that you can increase your writing speed. Keep tab on

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ups. For this, practise writing by hand, so that you can increase your writing speed. Keep tab on

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your progress until you are able to write coherently and

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your progress until you are able to write coherently and still h

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still have some time left at the end.

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ave some time left at the end.

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Of course, the language and style of the essay can be considerably improved.

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Of course, the language and style of the essay can be considerably improved.

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making the sentences more interesting.

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making the sentences more interesting. Adding

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Adding some

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some humour never goes amiss!

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humour never goes amiss!

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reading through a lot of essays, and the more interesting and lucid your write

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reading through a lot of essays, and the more interesting and lucid your write

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of improving your score. Fluidity of language is much desired here.PrepGenie







Task A

History and Learning

"History" is a greekGreek word which means, literally, just "investigation" Arnold Toynbee

In the above assertion Arnold Toynbee suggests that history is about learning, findings and investigating. However, contrary to the above assertion, a lot of people use history as an excuse for war, tribalism and ethnocentric superiority. People can learn from history but history should never dictate the future.

In support of my a bove contention, I remember one day in Afghanistan, when I was a bout five years of age. My older brother took me to watch dog fighting, which was a common tradition in Afghanistan in those days. I have asked my brother that why those dogs were fighting with each other. He replied " It is because one dog says to other dog that his father and ancestors were more powerful and superior than the other dog, while the other dog disagree and says that no it is other way round, that his father and ancestors are more powerful than other dog and thus they start to fight with each other over this discussion". Sometimes, I relate the above analogy to people who are trying to fight with each other based on race, ethnicity and social background. Since Afghanistan is a multi-ethnic and multicultural society, I have often observed this type of mentality. Where people think that their culture, way of life and language is superior than others and often time they refer to historical events.

Throughout history and quite often people fight with each other based on the notion that " where did you come from or where did I come from" or " You don't belong here and I belong here or I am native or you are not native ". Once Albert Einstein said that " The mean main reason for the Second World War was Nationalism". If people were really to investigate history, they should use it as means for learning and to avoid the mistakes of the past.

AlthoughHowever, the trend toward looking at history might be changing in the west and more civilized civilised countries, as they have built EurpeanEuropean Union and they would not want to repeat the mistakes of the past. However, in a lot of the thirldthird world countries and specifically in my country Afghanistan this trend of worshipiingworshipping past heroes and history is very common and often times leads to incite hatrethatred and discrimination, which produce completely opposite results than what one would expect.

Total: 51/100 Concept and Expression: 23/40 This essay has been well-written overall. Good job! The improvement has certainly been dramatic. The biggest problem with your essay is that no new ideas have been introduced in the structure. You started off the essay by stating that history should be a means of learning and not of waging war, which is what unfortunately happens today. You have carried on in the same strain throughout the essay, without throwing any light on any other aspect of the topic. This has made the essay extremely repetitive. Avoid a repetition of ideas; if you have chosen a topic you dont have much to say about, keep the essay short and crisp with a single idea. The length of the essay is not that important as long as it has been interestingly presented. You dont necessarily have to state your stance outright in your essay. The arguments you express and the opinions you state should be enough to bring out your stance on the given topic. While stating your

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Comment [NS1]: Assertion or argument would be a better word here. Contention also means argument, but in a different sense. When you are presenting an argument in an essay, the word means an opinion. On the other hand, the word contention means disagreement.

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Comment [NS2]: Avoid putting anything in quotes if it is not exactly what the concerned speaker said. If you are rephrasing the sentence while keeping the meaning intact, there is no reason for using quotation marks.

Comment [NS3]: Use British English in the GAMSAT essay.

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Comment [NS4]: What are, then, the desired results?

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to the above assertion, a lot of people use history as an excuse for

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to the above assertion, a lot of people use history as an excuse for war, tribalism and ethnocentric superiority. People can learn from history but history should never

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war, tribalism and ethnocentric superiority. People can learn from history but history should never

remember one day in Afghanistan, when I was a

PrepGenieremember one day in Afghanistan, when I was a

PrepGeniebout five years

PrepGeniebout five years of age. My older brother took me to watch dog fighting, which was a common tradition in Afghanistan

PrepGenieof age. My older brother took me to watch dog fighting, which was a common tradition in Afghanistan in those days. I have asked my brother that why those dogs were fighting with each other. He r

PrepGeniein those days. I have asked my brother that why those dogs were fighting with each other. He replied "

PrepGenieeplied " ancestors were more powerful and superior

PrepGenieancestors were more powerful and superior the other dog disagree and says that no it is other way round, that his

PrepGeniethe other dog disagree and says that no it is other way round, that hisand thus they start to

PrepGenieand thus they start to

PrepGeniefight with each other

PrepGeniefight with each other , I relate the above analogy to people who are trying to fight with each

PrepGenie, I relate the above analogy to people who are trying to fight with each

other based on race, ethnicity and social background. Since Afghanistan is a mu

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other based on race, ethnicity and social background. Since Afghanistan is a mul

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l

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ti

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ti-

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-ethnic and

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ethnic and multicultural society, I have often observed this type of mentality. Where people think that their

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multicultural society, I have often observed this type of mentality. Where people think that their culture, way of life and language is superior than others and often time they refer to historical events.

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culture, way of life and language is superior than others and often time they refer to historical events.

ople fight with each other based on the notion that "

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ople fight with each other based on the notion that "

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where did

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where did You don't belong here and

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You don't belong here and

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I belong here or I am native

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I belong here or I am native

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said that

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said that "

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"

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The

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The mean

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mean

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main

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main

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reason

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reason

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for the

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for the

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Second World

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Second World

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If people were really to investigate history, they should use it as means for

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If people were really to investigate history, they should use it as means for mistakes of the past.

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mistakes of the past.

, the trend toward looking at history might be changing in the west and more

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, the trend toward looking at history might be changing in the west and more countries, as they have built

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countries, as they have built Eurpean

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Eurpean

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European

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European

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Union and they would not want to repeat the

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Union and they would not want to repeat the mistakes of the past. However, in a lot of the

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mistakes of the past. However, in a lot of the thirld

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thirld

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third

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third

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world countries and specifically in my country

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world countries and specifically in my country worshipiing

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worshipiing

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worshipping

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worshipping

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past heroes and history is very common and often

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past heroes and history is very common and often

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hatred

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hatred

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and discrimination,

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and discrimination, which produce complete

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which produce complete

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Concept and Expression:

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Concept and Expression: 23

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23/40

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/40

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This essay has been well

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This essay has been well-

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-written overall.

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written overall. Good job! The

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Good job! The

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The biggest problem with your essay is that no new ideas

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The biggest problem with your essay is that no new ideas

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started off the essay by stating that history should be a means of learning and not of waging war, which PrepGenie

started off the essay by stating that history should be a means of learning and not of waging war, which PrepGenie

is what unfortunately happens today. PrepGenie

is what unfortunately happens today. You have carried on in the same strain throughout the essay, PrepGenie

You have carried on in the same strain throughout the essay, PrepGenie

without th PrepGenie

without throwing any light on any other aspect of the topic. This has made the essay extremely PrepGenie

rowing any light on any other aspect of the topic. This has made the essay extremely PrepGenie

repetitive. Avoid a repetition of ideas; if you have chosen a topic you dont have much to say about, PrepGenie

repetitive. Avoid a repetition of ideas; if you have chosen a topic you dont have much to say about, PrepGenie

keep the essay short and crisp with a single idea. The length of the PrepGenie

keep the essay short and crisp with a single idea. The length of the PrepGenie

as it has been interestingly presented. PrepGenie

as it has been interestingly presented. PrepGenie

You dont necessarily have to state your stance outright in your essay. The arguments you express and PrepGenie

You dont necessarily have to state your stance outright in your essay. The arguments you express and PrepGenie

the opinions you state should be enough to bring out your stance on the givePrepGenie

the opinions you state should be enough to bring out your stance on the givePrepGenie

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PrepGenieComment [NS1]: Assertion or argument would

PrepGenieAssertion or argument would be a better word here.

PrepGeniebe a better word here. Contention

PrepGenieContentionargument, but in a different sense. When you are

PrepGenieargument, but in a different sense. When you are presenting an argument in an essay, the word

PrepGeniepresenting an argument in an essay, the word means an opinion. On the other hand, the word

PrepGeniemeans an opinion. On the other hand, the word contention means

PrepGeniecontention means

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stance outright is quite acceptable, the statement itself looks more like an answer to a question, losing out on spontaneity. An illustration is a highly essential component of an essay. However, an example acts as a support of the arguments you present in the essay, and not as the argument itself. It is essential to make sure that you dont fill up too much of the essay with the description of a single argument. That space can be sued to introduce another idea. State only that much of an illustration that is absolutely essential to bring out your stance. In the final sentence of the essay, you have stated that history has incited hatred and discrimination, which is opposite to what it had originally intended to do. However, you have not stated what this opposite effect is that it was supposed to achieve. If you are stating a hypothesis in the essay, you must ensure that you have elaborated on it with relevant arguments and illustrations. This is absolutely essential because without an argument, your hypothesis remains unsupported. Framework: 18/40 You have provided a title to the essay that is short and crisp, but it needs more of the interest factor. The title should be short and engaging. It should give an idea of what the essay is about without giving away too much. The topic provided is often a quote or a proverb. Using the same or a rephrasing of the same is not acceptable. The conclusion is pretty good, but at the end, you have stated another hypothesis, and you have not said anything further to support the same. This makes the essay rather incomplete, leaving the reader with the feeling that there is more to come. The sense of completion is lacking here. The ideal structure of the essay has been followed here. Kudos on that! Linguistic Accuracy: 10/20 There are some language issues in the essay, although the improvement has been drastic! Keep writing; there is no alternative to making your language better. You should also keep conversing in the language to ensure better command, and grammar exercises will be useful as well. Remember that short sentences are always better and easier to read than the lengthy ones. Active voice sentences are more desirable than passive voice, but that is again a relative assumption. Throughout the essay, the sentences should be well-constructed and organised and excessively long and complex sentences are to be avoided.

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discrimination

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discrimination,

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,

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, you have not stated what this

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, you have not stated what this

PrepGenief you are stating a hypothesis in the essay, you

PrepGenief you are stating a hypothesis in the essay, you

PrepGenieThis is absolutely

PrepGenieThis is absolutely

PrepGenieYou have provided a title to the essay that is short and crisp, but it needs more of the interest factor.

PrepGenieYou have provided a title to the essay that is short and crisp, but it needs more of the interest factor.

PrepGenietitle should be short and engaging. It should give an idea of what the essay is about without giving

PrepGenietitle should be short and engaging. It should give an idea of what the essay is about without giving

PrepGenieaway too much. The topic provided is often a quote or a proverb. Using the same or a rephrasing of the

PrepGenieaway too much. The topic provided is often a quote or a proverb. Using the same or a rephrasing of the

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od, but at the end, you have stated another hypothesis, and you have not

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od, but at the end, you have stated another hypothesis, and you have not

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said anything further to support the same. This makes the essay rather incomplete, leaving the reader

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said anything further to support the same. This makes the essay rather incomplete, leaving the reader

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with the feeling that there is more to come. The sense of completion is lacking h

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with the feeling that there is more to come. The sense of completion is lacking here.

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ere.

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The ideal structure of the essay has been followed here. Kudos on that!

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The ideal structure of the essay has been followed here. Kudos on that!

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There are some language issues in the essay, although the improvement has been drastic! Keep writing;

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to making your language better.

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to making your language better. You should also keep conversing in the language

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You should also keep conversing in the language

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to ensure better command, and grammar exercises will be useful as well.

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to ensure better command, and grammar exercises will be useful as well. Remember that s

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Remember that s

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sentences are always better and easier to read than the lengthy ones. Active voice

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sentences are always better and easier to read than the lengthy ones. Active voice

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desirable than passive voice, but that is again a relative assumption. Throughout the essay, the

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sentences should be well

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sentences should be well-

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-constructed and organised and excessively long and complex sentences are to

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constructed and organised and excessively long and complex sentences are to

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I strongly disaggredisagree with the assertion in relation to democracy by Robert Byrne that " Democracy consists of choosing your dictators, after they have told you what you think it is you want to hear". After all, democracy is the government of people, by the people and for the people, therefore, deomocarcydemocracyshould not be blamed for dictator ship but rather people should be blamed for electing a dictator and allow dictators to dictate their life and property.

From the dawn of human history there hasn't been a completely flawless society, if there was one, it would havewas probably been Adam and Eve in the gardenGarden of Eden. The Hhuman being is a very aggressive animal by nature., tThroughout history they killed each other over land, religion, tribalism and pride but I assume that their skulls have evolved enough to overcome its aggressive nature by use of reason, logic and rationalising situations through use of science.

If humankind have has evolved enough to overcome its extinctive nature of violanceviolence then why do we still see systemic manipulation of man to by man or man by government to man?. The main problem forcause behind this is pouverty and lack of resoucesresources. If a country does not have economical freedom, they it will never achieve their political freedom; thus certain portion of people, who expect economical freedom opt to elect a dictator to rule them and the rest of people suffer as a consequence of this disproportionality of weatlhwealth. Take the example of Iraq,. Saddam hussainHussein was hated by many people but he also had a huge group of supporters. Had there been economical equality in Iraq the majority of people would have never supported Saddam hussainHussein. In addition to wealth, economical freedom also brings education and enlightenment to society, so that the people get educated and not being manipulated.

To sum it up, it is not the fault of democracy for dictatorshipdictatorship is not the fault of democracy, but it is rather peoples fault and peoples fault can be associated to lack of education and awareness due to bad economy.

Total: 33/100

Concept and expression: 13/40

You started the essay by stating your stance on the given topic. While it is acceptable, it is always better to let your arguments reflect your stance instead of stating it outright. A direct statement of your stance will take away the readers interest as there is not really much left to know.

Make sure you completely understand the statement you are taking up as your topic. In this case, you chose Corens comment. The quote states that the system of democracy is nothing but a way of choosing dictators for yourself, by allowing them to manipulate our allegiances first.

In the introduction, you have stated that you disagree with the statement. However, you have gone on to say that it is not the system per se, but the people that are responsible for using the system in the wrong way and choosing dictators. While it is true that democracy in theory is not to be blamed for this misuse, you have stated yourself that it is a system of the people, by the people and for the people. This way, you have made it clear that the practical application of democracy, that is, its use by the people, is incorrect. This way, you have actually agreed with Corens statement.

Comment [NS1]: This is Alan Corens quote.

Comment [NS2]: You seem to have misinterpreted the statement.

Comment [NS3]: You have not stated what you mean by a completely flawless society. Did you mean a truly democratic society, where there is no manipulation and hence, no dictatorship, is completely flawless? Without an elaboration on this point, your thought does not come across very clearly.

Comment [NS4]: Did you mean brains?

Comment [NS5]: Destructive is a better word here.

Comment [NS6]: Contradictory statement. You have stated that man has evolved enough to overcome its aggressive nature, but then you go on to say that despite this, man is still manipulative and, subsequently, destructive.

Comment [NS7]: Economical means frugal, that is, not being extravagant. Economic is related to economy, that is, finances.

Comment [NS8]: The logic of this statement is not clear.

Comment [NS9]: If you are citing a public figure, make sure you get the name absolutely right.

Comment [NS10]: You have not explained how education can enable a person to avoid manipulation.

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would

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would

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uman being is a very aggressive

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uman being is a very aggressive

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over land, religion, tribalism and pride but I

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over land, religion, tribalism and pride but I

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PrepGeniehave evolved enough to overcome its aggressive nature by use of reason, logic and

PrepGeniehave evolved enough to overcome its aggressive nature by use of reason, logic and

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PrepGenieviolence

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PrepGeniethen why

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PrepGenieThe main

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PrepGenienot have

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PrepGeniethus certain portion of

PrepGeniethus certain portion of

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PrepGeniepeople, who expect

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PrepGenieopt to elect a dictator to rule them and the rest of people suffer as a consequence of

PrepGenieopt to elect a dictator to rule them and the rest of people suffer as a consequence of

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PrepGenieSaddam

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. Had there been economical equality in Iraq the

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. Had there been economical equality in Iraq the

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Hussein

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Hussein

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. In addition to wealth

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. In addition to wealth,

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,

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economic

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economical

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al

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so that the people get educated and not be

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so that the people get educated and not being

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ing

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it is not the fault of democracy for dictatorship

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it is not the fault of democracy for dictatorship

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dictatorship is not the fault of democracy,

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dictatorship is not the fault of democracy,

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s fault can be associated to lack of education and awareness due to

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s fault can be associated to lack of education and awareness due to

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You started the essay by stating your stance on the given topic. While it is acceptable, it is always better

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You started the essay by stating your stance on the given topic. While it is acceptable, it is always better

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to let your arguments reflect

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to let your arguments reflect your

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your stance instead of stating it outright.

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stance instead of stating it outright. A direct

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A direct

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will take away the readers interest as there is not really much left to know.

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will take away the readers interest as there is not really much left to know.

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Make sure you completely understand the statement you are taking up as your topic.

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Make sure you completely understand the statement you are taking up as your topic.

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chose Corens comment. The quote states that the system of democracy is nothing but

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chose Corens comment. The quote states that the system of democracy is nothing but

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choosing dictators for yourself

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choosing dictators for yourself, by allowing them to manipulate our allegiances first.

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, by allowing them to manipulate our allegiances first.

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In the introduction, you have stated that you disagree witPrepGenie

In the introduction, you have stated that you disagree witPrepGenie

to say that it is not the system per se, but the people that are responsible for using the PrepGenie

to say that it is not the system per se, but the people that are responsible for using the PrepGenie

wrong way and choosing dictators. While it is true that democracy in theory is not to be blamed for this PrepGenie

wrong way and choosing dictators. While it is true that democracy in theory is not to be blamed for this PrepGenie

use, PrepGenie

use, you have stated yourself that it is a system PrepGenie

you have stated yourself that it is a system PrepGenie

This way, you have made it clear that the practical application of democracy, that is, its use by the PrepGenie

This way, you have made it clear that the practical application of democracy, that is, its use by the PrepGenie

people, is incorrect. This PrepGenie

people, is incorrect. This way, you have actually agrPrepGenie

way, you have actually agrPrepGenie

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Comment [NS1]:

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Comment [NS1]:

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Comment [NS2]:

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Comment [NS2]: You seem to have

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You seem to have misinterpreted the statement.

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misinterpreted the statement.

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Comment [NS3]:

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Comment [NS3]: You have not stated what you

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You have not stated what you mean by a completely flawless society. Did you

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mean by a completely flawless society. Did you mean a truly democratic society, where there is no

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mean a truly democratic society, where there is no manipulation and hence, no dictatorship, is

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manipulation and hence, no dictatorship, is comple

PrepGeniecompletely flawless? Without an elaboration on this

PrepGenietely flawless? Without an elaboration on this point, your thought does not come across very

PrepGeniepoint, your thought does not come across very clearly.

PrepGenieclearly.

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PrepGenieComment [NS4]: Did you mean brains?

PrepGenieDid you mean brains?

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PrepGenieComment [NS5]: here.

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PrepGenieComment [NS6]: have stated that man has evolved enough to

PrepGeniehave stated that man has evolved enough to overcome its aggress

PrepGenieovercome its aggressto say that despite this, man is still manipulative

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and, subsequently, destructive.

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and, subsequently, destructive.

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As a result, your statement has become contradictory at the very beginning of the essay. It is essential never to contradict your own statements, especially since you have already stated a very strong stance. If you are writing a discursive essay, it is necessary to present different aspects of the topic and discuss the pros and cons of each side, but then you cannot state a definitive standpoint of your own. Contradicting your own statement, either with the arguments you present to support it, or by another statement you make later on, gives the impression that your thoughts are incoherent.

Whatever ideas and opinions you state in the essay, they must be supported by adequate arguments. Here, for instance, you have stated that certain people who want wealth elect a dictator, as a result of which there is disproportionality of wealth and the other people suffer. This statement is not clear at all. First of all, you have not stated just how a dictator can solve the issue of poverty. Moreover, it is also not clear how a certain section benefits from this kind of leadership while the others suffer.

Framework: 15/40

You have not provided a title to your essay. This is extremely important and can lose you valuable marks. A title to the essay is what gets the reader intrigued to read further. The title should be short, catchy and immediately get the readers attention. It should give the reader a glimpse of what is coming in the essay and be clear about the topic, but it should not give away too much.

You have separated your essay in different body paragraphs, but no new idea has been introduced in any of them. As a result, the essay has become slightly repetitive. Avoid this at all costs; it is better to write a 250-word short article instead of a meandering tirade on the same ideas.

The introduction to the essay is like the title; it should be something intriguing that hooks the reader to go further and see what you have to say. It is best to start an essay with an interesting piece of information as the introduction. Alternately, it can also be an anecdote or an intriguing question.

Linguistic accuracy: 5/20

Spelling mistakes and grammatical errors abound in this essay. Apart from coherent presentation of ideas, accuracy of language is essential in the GAMSAT essay. Ample practice in writing by hand will help you get rid of this problem. Besides, try to increase your vocabulary by picking up new words and using them conversationally whenever you get the chance. Keep some time aside for the checking you essay after you are done writing it. You will find many errors that could be easily avoided by happened because of the time crunch.

Reading up the essay after you have written it doesnt only help you correct the technical errors, but you

can also see it from the point of view of an outsider. This way, you will understand whether your arguments are solid and stable on cross-analysis. You will also get to see if the essay shaped up as you had thought, with the arguments you wanted to present and the stance you wanted to state. Pr

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arguments

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arguments.

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.

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certain people who want wealth elect a dictator, as a result of

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certain people who want wealth elect a dictator, as a result of

PrepGenieis not clear at all.

PrepGenieis not clear at all.

PrepGeniepoverty. Moreover, it is also not

PrepGeniepoverty. Moreover, it is also not

PrepGenieclear how a certain section benefits from this kind of leadership while the others suffer.

PrepGenieclear how a certain section benefits from this kind of leadership while the others suffer.

PrepGenieve not provided a title to your essay. This is extremely important and can lose you valuable

PrepGenieve not provided a title to your essay. This is extremely important and can lose you valuable

PrepGenieA title to the essay is what gets the reader intrigued to read further.

PrepGenieA title to the essay is what gets the reader intrigued to read further. The title should be short,

PrepGenieThe title should be short,

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uld give the reader a glimpse of what is coming

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uld give the reader a glimpse of what is coming

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, but it should not give away too much.

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, but it should not give away too much.

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You have separated your essay in different body paragraphs, but no new idea has been introduced in

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You have separated your essay in different body paragraphs, but no new idea has been introduced in

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a result, the essay has become slightly repetitive. Avoid this at all costs; it is better to

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a result, the essay has become slightly repetitive. Avoid this at all costs; it is better to

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word short article instead of a meandering

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word short article instead of a meandering tirade

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tirade on the

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on the same

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same ideas.

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ideas.

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The introduction to the essay is like the title; it should be something intriguin

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The introduction to the essay is like the title; it should be something intriguing that hooks the reader to

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g that hooks the reader to

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go further and see what you have to say.

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go further and see what you have to say. It is best to start an essay with an interesting piece of

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It is best to start an essay with an interesting piece of

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information as the introduction. Alternately,

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information as the introduction. Alternately, it can also be an anecdote or an intriguing question.

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it can also be an anecdote or an intriguing question.

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lling mistakes and grammatical errors abound in this essay.

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lling mistakes and grammatical errors abound in this essay. Apart from coherent presentation of

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Apart from coherent presentation of

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ideas, accuracy of language is essential in the GAMSAT essay. Ample practice in writing by hand will help

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ideas, accuracy of language is essential in the GAMSAT essay. Ample practice in writing by hand will help

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get rid of this problem.

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get rid of this problem. Besides, try to increase your vocabulary by picking up new words and using

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Besides, try to increase your vocabulary by picking up new words and using

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them conversationally whenever you get the chance.

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them conversationally whenever you get the chance. Keep some time aside for the checking you essay

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Keep some time aside for the checking you essay

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after you are done writing it.

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after you are done writing it. You

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You will find many errors that could be easily avoi

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will find many errors that could be easily avoi

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because of the time cru

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because of the time crun

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nch.

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ch.

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Reading up the essay after you have written it doesnt only help you correct the technical errors, but you PrepGenie

Reading up the essay after you have written it doesnt only help you correct the technical errors, but you PrepGenie

can also see it from the point of view of an outsider. PrepGenie

can also see it from the point of view of an outsider. PrepGenie

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, with the arguments you wanted to present and the stance you wanted to statePrepGenie

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gamsat essay sample evaluation - sample essay - gamsat sample essay by prepgenie

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