PARTY MIX Vol. 1

FÜKFAS PRESENTS

WHAT’S INSIDE

AN INTERVIEW WITH A BEAR

AN ORAL HISTORY OF STAIRWAY TO LOVE

BLURRY MEMORIES OF MEALS PAST

A DRINK!

A FRESH PUZZ!

THE FUTURE OF FÜKFAS

A FÜKFAS MANIFESTO

AN INTERVIEW WITH A BEARPARTY MIX: What’s your deal, dude?

BO THE BEAR: I got stuck in this stairwell during a wild weekend in ‘99 and kinda never left. It’s not so bad. I even hang with the renters sometimes. It can get loose!

PARTY MIX: Speaking of, how have the renters at the Round House been?

BO: You know how it goes with snack-fueled party monsters in need of an escape. Some are more bearable than others.

PARTY MIX: Tell me about it—no, really. I’m serious. Tell me about it.

BO: Well, there was this one time in the fall of 2015…and, uh…uh…

PARTY MIX: Why the big pause?

BO: I was born with them! Oh, I see what’s going on…you think that’s funny, bro? Is that what you city people call a joke? Come at me.

PARTY MIX: No thank you! Ok, I admit. It was a cheap shot. Now back to your story…

BO: So it was the fall of 2015, October maybe. What a time to be alive! The leaves were in peak peepin’ condition and the beers flowed like the mighty Susquehanna. There I was, playin’ it cool in my usual perch. Then this bright-eyed fool approaches, joking with his buddies that I’m a “total stiff”. They then placed this goofy hat on my head, quietly cackling to themselves. I stood there, motionless, quiet, for a few minutes, and then I slowly turned my head toward them…

PARTY MIX: Uh-huh…

BO: I got real big, let out a growl, and shouted, “Hey! What is this? Weekend at Bearnies?” It killed!

PARTY MIX: Hahaha. Now that is a joke!

BO: I’m a professional, honey.

AN ORAL HISTORY OF STAIRWAY TO LOVE, THE MOST POLARIZING FÜKFAS A-SIDE OF ALL TIME

The Zeppelin-inspired disco medley played, persistently, from a speaker known as the WONDERBOOM, then a silver 2017 Honda Ridgeline in the Chalet parking lot. It continued

during an extended game of Kubb. (Don’t blame me for your wooden baton not hitting a wooden block—blame Novak.) This is the true story of a song—and a game—that never ended.

BY: LAUREN MANCUSO

Chris Novak (self-proclaimed Fükfas DJ): I had just heard it and was obsessed! It was on Joe McGasko’s show. One of my favorite DJs. He’s from Hazletown!

Joe McGasko (WFMU DJ): Starting this all off, the Wonder Band—ah yes, it makes me wonder—the Wonder Band with their side-long suite Stairway to Heaven / Stairway to Love / Whole Lot-ta Love / Finale. That’s from their album Stairway to Love from 1979 on the ATCO Records label.

Novak: It was the 2019 Füklympics. I

had the entire show downloaded and just kept putting it on. It transitions into the Gilligan Island theme set to “Stair-way to Heaven,” too.

McGasko: I have a particular fondness, as people who listen to this show regu-larly know, for disco versions of classic rock songs. And that is right up there in the Pantheon for me with Silver Blue’s “Light my Fire.” This one I just learned about a couple weeks ago, and I bought this album for three dollars, sealed. To me, a treasure. Someone else’s garbage, my treasure.

Andy Jones (2018 Füklympics champion): Chris told us the story of how he orig-inally heard it on WFMU. I remember liking it, but it probably overstayed its welcome after the first 15 minutes. Did he try to play it a second time?

Lauren Mancuso (Fükfas historian): It was hard to know where it began and ended.

Little Roger & the Goosebumps (performers of “Gilligan’s Island [Stair-way]”): The mate was a mighty sailin’ lad / The Skipper brave and sure / Five passengers set sail that day / For a three-hour tour, a three-hour tour

Novak: It (disco “Stairway”) was the most amazing version of Stairway to Heaven that I’d ever heard. It would have been a crime not to share it with the world!

Arden McAllister (Shpongle superfan): I would say that Chris Novak isn’t known for playing things that are listenable. It feels like Chris uses music to get a reaction out of people.

Karen Onorato (head of Fükfas program-ming): He does, for sure. This one time he put on an entire noise show, and it was during breakfast, I swear. I mean, I could be making this up.

Mancuso: I had never heard a disco song “get the Led out” before, and it did so for some time before it suddenly cut out. I figured the WONDERBOOM had run out of juice.

Novak: I had to revert to blasting from my truck when I lost my speaker privi-leges. Order to revoke may have even come from the top.

Onorato: It wasn’t me. I rarely mess with the speaker at Fükfas.

Mario Zucca (past Füklympics host and Guy Fieri impersonator): I wasn’t there for any of that.

McAllister: I mean, I’m a tolerant per-son, but it was like the seventh time he played this 20-minute song that I had to take matters into my own hands.

Novak: I felt awful having my speaker privileges revoked. Who would rather listen to the Led Zeppelin version of “Stairway” when you know a disco ver-sion exists anyway?

McAllister: I don’t feel like it was just me. I was acting on behalf of the group. I’m not afraid to be a bitch. I’m not at Fükfas to make friends.

Mancuso: It wasn’t the best song I’ve heard at Fükfas, but it wasn’t the worst. And it didn’t end there.

Novak: Speakers in the bed of my truck were like a gun in the first act. They were coming on, no matter what.

Jones: I think I can go on record that it played during (the entirety of) Kubb. Although, it could have been Kam Jam. It was a long ass song.

Bryce Beamer (Kubb expert): Kubb typically takes two days, but some matches can take as long as a week.

Novak: Kubb is all about the beat. It (the disco-if-ication of Led Zeppelin) improved my gameplay immensely.

Beamer: The key to being a Kubb great has nothing to do with technique. Kubb is a mental game, and the only skill you need is a strong heckle and a nice pelvic thrust.

Mancuso: Stairway of Love was the strongest heckle of them all.

Jones: I’m sure Chris was grinning at me, psyching me out, knowing exactly how long the song would be going.

Joshua McDonnell (Füklympics athlete and reluctant Kubb player): I remember starting to picture the Kubb blocks as Novak’s face.

Novak: I’m not sure who won the Kubb game in the end. Does anybody ever win?

Robert Plant (Led Zeppelin vocalist): And if you listen very hard / The tune will come to you at last / When all is one and one is all / To be a rock and not to roll

Mancuso: Thinking back on this strange time, it often makes me wonder—as “Stairway to Heaven” does—about a lot of things in life. Did Kubb ever end? What about the Wonder Band’s luscious arrangements? Is “Stairway to Heaven” still blasting from someone’s Honda Ridgeline?

Novak: Only the disco version!

The hottest party-pumpin’ bangers of all time! The only compilation to inspire thoughts—no, screams—of “NOW THAT’S WHAT I CALL MUSIC!” Wait, wait... that compilation exists? They’ve been topping the charts since 1998? Well, I bet this is the first to include both Academy Award-winning composer Vangelis and the funk band Cameo on the same mix. Mic drop.

FÜKFAS JAMS

ACROSS1 Goldfish, perhaps

3 What the second “F” in “FFotD” stands for

6 Status, slangily

7 Fermented brew

8 Funhouse array, rare-ly seen in bathrooms

9 It crushes in hand games

10 Go on about a re-mote-control device

12 “______, flirty, and thriving”

14 Holiday abode

15 Guy of Flavortown

17 Winter Olympics vehicle

18 Kitchen professional

19 Official mascot of Huntingdon Area High School

21 Dr. ______ (pill- dropping physician)

22 Seattle-to-Portland dir.

25 Heavy footwear

27 MTV news reporter who covered the mud baths of Wood-stock ‘94?

29 Rye, for one

30 Peculiar

DOWN1 Totally positive

2 “(They Long to Be) Close to You” vocal-ist Carpenter

3 Camp crackler

4 Historic time

5 Rose gold cocktail mixed by Sergio Leone?

7 Swollen with gas

8 #1 hit song about this holiday weekend by Bruce Springsteen & the E Street Band?

11 Chums

13 Cookie with many varieties

16 Mountain beast of burden

18 Stew often topped with sour cream

20 Down quickly

23 Desperate transmission

24 Try to win over

26 ______ leches cake

28 Verbal eye roll

A FRESH PUZZ!Janet, of Philadelphia, P.A., is an avid puzzler by day and an avid partier by night. This is Janet’s first crossword puzzle for Party Mix after countless rejections for lack of 180° rotational symmetry. This puzzle doesn’t have that either, taking more of a freeform approach with clues that are even a little too inside baseball for me. I just wanted her to stop pestering me. —W.S.

BLURRY MEMORIES OF MEALS PAST• THAT TIME DAN MADE INJERA

• THAT TIME A TURKEY WAS DEEP-FRIED AT FÜKSGIVING

• ALL THOSE TIMES BECKY & CHUCK MADE WAFFLES

• THAT TIME A LOTTA MEATS WERE SOUS VIDED

• THAT TIME ALANA & MIKE TOOK US TO NEW ORLEANS FOR ONE NIGHT ONLY

A REVIEW OF PAUL BLART: MALL COP

BY A PROFESSIONAL CRITIC

As seen on Rotten Tomatoes®

FÜK ART

FMK: SNACK EDITION

BARREL OF

CHEESE BALLSSPICY SWEET

CHILI DORITOS

CHEEZ-IT

DUOZ:

SHARP

CHEDDAR &

PARMESAN

Inspired by everyone’s love for the Spaghett, esteemed cocktail scientist and long-time Füker Alana wanted to create something special for Fükfas XXX. What can possibly be fancier than adding amaro and lemon juice to a beer, you ask? Throwing bourbon into the mix. Also, measuring.

THE X3

A special drink for a special weekend with special friends

What’s in it:

1½ oz. bourbon½ oz. amaro (Lucano or Averna)½ oz. IPA syrup*¼ oz. lemon juiceDash of soda water3-5 dashes of bitters

(Hella Citrus) Apple garnish shaped like an X

WHAT YOU DO:

Step 1 Add bourbon, amaro, IPA syrup, lemon juice to a rocks glass.

Step 2 Add ice to the glass and stir until well-chilled.

Step 3 Top with soda water, bit-ters, and apple garnish.

Step 4 Cent’anni! Enjoy.

*Heat up a cup of IPA to a simmer. Add basil, rosemary, and apple peels. Add a cup of sugar and dissolve. Take off heat as soon as the sugar dissolves. Remove herbs and peels after 5 minutes. In the fridge, this can keep for a month.

A DRINK!

I would take charge of crafting yard games out of available materials. I think we could craft a functional cornhole game using local debris, and Kan Jam would be easy as pie, provided we have barrels at our disposal. Kubb would be more elaborate but simply require a fucking lot of whittling.

—Justin Bracken

Befriending all the stray dogs.

—Ellen Balkovec

 

Slowly feeding my flesh to Bob so he can survive.

—Bryce Beamer

Brewer of coconut beer.

—Chris Dengler

WHAT DOES THE FUTURE OF FÜKFAS HOLD?

We asked some Fükers on the street to find out!

If Fükfas were stranded on a desert island, what would your role be?

Coconut gatherer and night watch for passing ships from my perch atop the coconut trees.

—Mike Reali

President of the Board and CEO.

—Chris Novak

Probably cook/ secret advisor to the island leader.

—Andy Jones

One Trip Mar. He can carry all the supplies.— Chris Dengler

Dan. I believe the reason is obvious.—Chris Novak

Probably Bryce. He’d break a shoulder to make sure that team wins and survives.

—Andy Jones

It would be either Dan or Ellen, so they could summon their goat hordes to protect us.

—Justin Bracken

Bob. He’s the best marksman. —Mike Reali

The zombie apocalypse is here. Which Füker do you want on your team and why?

ROBIN M. 07.06.09 at 6:50 AMthis grid is HILARIOUS!! I love the group shot and the sparkle penis! Seriously, this one is fucking fantastic…

KAREN O. 06.19.09 at 7:47 AMCan you blame him? You look like a tasty little lard morsel.

JOSHUA M. 07.22.09 at 6:55 AMBecky, I want to lick your brain.

MARIO Z. 07.27.09 at 6:42 AMI should have Photoshopped Hot Pocket placenta all over myself…

BECKY S. 07.27.09 at 6:29 AMyeh im kind of confused why this is making me hungry…

HOW IT STARTED

BECKY S. 09.29.09 at 6:31 AMJD, why do you always, always make me want to hurl!?

JON K. 06.15.09 at 9:41 AMI like the guardian angel penis doing a jig on your shoulder. You two look like you make a good team. Like a buddy cop movie.

A FÜKFAS MANIFESTOWhat would a zine be without an organized list of tenets to abide by? A pamphlet without purpose, perhaps. Well, that’s just not our style.

1. DO WHAT YOU FEEL. Whether that be a jug of milk, an impossible puzzle,

or a poop cry—you do you.

2. LIFE MOVES PRETTY FAST. Don’t miss it.

3. DINNER IS PROMPTLY AT 10 PM. Don’t miss it.

4. THE FÜKLYMPICS ARE HELD ONCE A YEAR. Will you be a contender or take home a Velco sneaker?

Does it matter?

5. Sharing is caring. Cases of Genny Cream ale, large tubs of cheese puffs,

and the love are all communal, baby.

LET IT ROCK, LET IT ROLL, LET YOUR FÜKFAS FRIENDS COME AND SAVE YOUR SOUL.