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Saying no has always been a problem for me–I didn’t really know how to do it until recently. So I finally worked out how to create boundaries for myself. I’ve long known how to help my children create boundaries for themselves—that felt like a walk in the park, compared to trying to exercise the same discipline for myself. Until recently, I was the person who would put my hand up in any committee meeting if there was a long enough silence. I’ve also struggled to find a healthy work balance (especially hard if you don’t have a workplace other than home!). I always justified it in a multitude of ways, but really it came down to not valuing myself enough to say no. Once I worked that out, it felt wonderful to create some gentle boundaries and to make some changes that meant I could put myself and my family first more often.

It hasn’t been easy saying no. In fact, it’s been quite traumatic at times. It’s not just me that has to change; it’s the relationships around me that have to accommodate the differences too. It’s been a transition of sorts—it hasn’t changed overnight. But now instead of seeing the whole forest and being overwhelmed by it, I can appreciate each tree and pay attention accordingly. I can wind down slowly, because I have an end in sight.

I’m really looking forward to the next six months while my daughter is still at home. She is starting riding lessons and I love that I have time to revel in her enjoyment of horses and do something with just her and me. It feels so special. I look forward to picking my son up from school and going to parks, going for bike rides and adventures after school instead of feeling like I have to rush home to squeeze some more work in. I look forward to sitting on the couch with my man, just hanging out rather than being passing ships in the hallway. I look forward to having some more time to just be with me. What a rare occurrence that has been over the last seven years. I can’t help having a laugh though, and thinking how ironic that now that I’ve finally worked out this balance, I’m heading into the next stage of my life, where I’ll be returning to the paid workforce and I’m at the beginning of a new cycle all over again.

our friends for taking away precious time that belongs to them—and it did make me think about how much one-on-one time I spend with just my children. Sure I spend almost every day with my daughter (minus kinder days) but I often take her to a friend’s house or an activity where there are other people and children and it’s not just me and her.

It’s when I do take my daughter (or both my kids) somewhere with just me that I notice the difference in their interaction. They are more relaxed. They are happier. The unadulterated joy of having me all to themselves is so obvious. I love these days just as much. I truly love spending time with my children, seeing the world through their innocent eyes, discovering new things for the first time again, being immersed in their joy. On these days, they don’t have to compete for my attention and how lovely to have my attention to give to them so freely and lovingly. I know I’m not the only parent who has felt completely exasperated by constant requests to do something, while trying to get something ‘important’ done—followed by a pang of guilt when you see your child’s disappointed face and dejected body language.

I read recently in the paper about the idea of ‘love bombing’ your children—being fully present to your child and saying yes to everything for just one day. I liked the idea (except the bit where you give them whatever they want to eat—my control issues kicked in then!) but I still had this nagging feeling that it shouldn’t be a novelty to give your children your full attention for a day. I’d like to be fully present with my kids whenever I spend time with them. I’m not saying I want to dedicate every waking moment to them, but I know that I’m not always completely in the moment when I play and interact with my kids, because of all the things I feel like I need to do.

So something has to give—what’s it going to be? Surely everyone has moments where they want to simplify and make more time for something, whether it be themselves, or their partner or their children? You have to prioritise what is important, what is needed and what is serving you—but what if all the things you do fulfil one or more of these criteria? You have to choose what to say no to.

It’s a normal morning at our house...everyone is in their pyjamas, dressing gowns and slippers, having breakfast at the bench. Yet I can’t seem to find the time to sit down and eat my muesli this morning—I seem to be caught up in a frenzy of jobs to do. So in between taking mouthfuls, I’m unstacking the dishwasher, folding washing, putting another load in the machine, trying to make a healthy school lunch, getting craft materials for the kids and trying to fit in a shower before I have to get in the car for the school and kinder run—when I’m stopped in my tracks by my son’s voice.

“Mum—does f***ing start with an F?”

I stop and regather my thoughts—trying not to laugh at my beautiful boy learning to write and spell. Do I just spell it out and move on without paying much attention to the word or do I chastise him for using the word in the first place, go through the whole ‘swear’ word thing and make the word exciting and off limits?

I love these moments—moments that can’t be created with ‘quality’ time—they just happen when you spend time together. I only get snatched moments in the morning and afternoon with my son now—and really have to wait until the weekend to get my hit of one-on-one time with him. My daughter starts school next year too and my empty nest feeling is becoming less of a vague thought pattern and more of a nagging reminder of the days slipping away.

Sometimes I think about all the things I could do in a day and the things I actually do. I get lost in work sometimes (alright, more than sometimes!), I get lost in housework sometimes (but not so much) or I spend time making phone calls and in doing so, maybe dismiss more than a few requests to sit down and do puzzles, come outside and pick flowers or come and kick a ball. How did I get so busy? How can I, as a stay at home mum, be in crisis and be feeling like I don’t spend enough time with my kids?

A friend was talking the other day about how children get jealous of our adult friends—and often don’t talk to them unless their parent is not around. It’s almost as if they’re punishing

Finish your mouthful!When we bite off more than we can chew...

words

Anna Foletta

artwork

Vanessa Chaperlin

Anna is a passionate

mother, dancer,

friend and lover but a

terrible housekeeper.

This creates many

discussions with her

long suffering, bread

winning husband. But

she loves him and

her two beautiful kids

passionately and whole

heartedly and that

makes up for all her

flaws... She is also one

of the founders of this

amazing magazine.

Vanessa is a

photographer, painter

and illustrator based in

Manly on the Northern

Beaches of Sydney.

Vanessa’s work is

centred around the

breadth of human

experience in different

social contexts, and

more recently her

own personal journey

through parenting.

For more about

Ness visit www.

happinessphotography.

com or www.colour-in.

com