FINDING THE COURAGE TO LEARN HOW TO HELP YOUR CHILD

WHERE TO START?

WHERE TO GO?

Information has been collected and developed to serve as a guide for parents. Prepared by Patricia R. Lynn, Youth Service Bureau, Barry County, Michigan.

To download other website articles, scroll down , and navigate from Table of Contents.

Children are the future caretakers of our world. Together, let us nurture their imaginations, creativity, courage, and curiosity; teach them to think critically; and protect their hopes and dreams.

There are two lasting gifts parents can pass on to their children…

One is roots.

The other is wings.

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Troubled Thoughts

I’m sorry but I can’t say, “I’m sorry”

I’m frightened but I’ll never admit it

I want you to like me but I do things to get you angry

I forget my homework when I do it I sometimes cheat even when I know the answers

I break my promises to try harder

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I lie when I’m not even in trouble

Don’t you know that when I’m bad

’

I’m in the most pain?

Please don’t give up on me

Anonymous

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FINDING THE COURAGE TO LEARN HOW TO HELP YOUR CHILD - WHERE TO START?

Do you ever feel helpless to get your child to do what you want?

Do you wonder what happened to that baby you fell in love with?

Does your anger with your child sometimes scare you?

More knowledge will help you understand what you can do differently.

There are many, many reasons why parenting can get “off course” with a child. No child comes into this world with a “How-To Manual.” What works with one child doesn’t always work with another.

Regardless of your child’s age and whatever your child may say or do, YOU, THE PARENT, continue to be the most important source of

love your child needs and wants. It takes a whole village to raise a child.

The job of parenting is bigger than most parents could ever have imagined when their child was born. It’s a journey full of peaks and valleys – overwhelming joys and the depths of frustration.

If you’re feeling challenged as a parent, there are many skilled and caring people in our community who can help you get back “on course” and nurture a safe and loving relationship with your child.

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YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

The police are a tiny part of a whole village. They can only help you re-gain control of your child for the short time they are present in your home. You don’t want to give away your parental power by relying on the police to restore control unless the situation is dangerous and the safety of a family member is at risk.

Identify your support system. Family members, neighbors, co-workers, religious/spiritual friends, friends you spend time with in clubs or volunteer organizations. Maybe a counselor.

Whoever you feel you can trust to support and guide you as you work to be the best parent you can be.

Being a parent is too important and too difficult a job to “go it alone.” Getting support for yourself will restore hope, renew your strength, and improve your ability to parent.

It may also save your family and, your child. Serenity Prayer “Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

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When family life seems unmanageable, because dealing with a child has become a crisis, sometimes . . . .

Parents can get stuck doing over and over again what doesn’t work.

They can experience the relationship with their child go

from bad to worse.

Parents can feel overwhelmed with a sense of failure. If they can’t make their child “act right,” anger can take over a relationship with their child.

A parent’s love for their child can get lost in hurtful words and angry actions.

Parents can have a hard time really seeing what’s happening

right in front of their eyes, when the truth may be painful.

Perhaps, you could try doing something differently.

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Parents are the adults in a family.

They must be willing to take the first steps towards making changes in the quality of their relationship with their child.

Making a change is a choice.

It’s easier to make changes with the help of knowledge and support.

"Have the courage to seek the truth." David Cottrell

“It is never too late to be what you might have been.” George Eliot

Parents can be role models for their children and show them the courage it takes to make any kind of change. Within a family, making changes can be exhausting, and confusing work. Change takes time. Remember to find the humor in the mistakes that will be made. Parenting a child isn’t about being perfect. “Give all that you can, with all that you have, in the time that you have, in the place that you’re at.” Nikosi Johnson, South Africa, age 12, died of AIDS

“Whatever you want to be in life, you are in training for it now.” Mike Anderson, astronaut on Columbia

“A day without laughter is a day wasted.” Charlie Chaplin

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Here are some questions to think about.

Am I a positive role model for my child? Do I show my child respect? Do I practice what I preach? Do I yell at or call my child unkind names? Do I swear in front on my child? Do I threaten my child and then fail to follow through? Do I argue with my child and give in because it’s easier? Do I try to be a friend to my child when I need to be a parent? Do I take personal offense at my child’s angry words and/or actions? Do I allow my child to play on my guilt? Do I punish my child when I am feeling angry? Do I find myself lecturing and criticizing my child when I need to listen and try to understand?

When was the last time I laughed or played with my child?

When was the last time I told my child, “I love you,”

and gave a long, loving hug?

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Here’s some bad news. Human beings don’t like change. Especially children who are already working very hard to figure out this experience called “life.” When parents make changes in the family, children often rebel. If they are used to being in “control,” they will fight change with everything they’ve got. Children want to be able to predict how things will go.

They don’t want to hear new rules.

Their behavior will often get worse before it gets better.

Children are very good at wearing down a parent who is trying to change. They want that “old” parent

they could manipulate, or ignore, to return.

That’s why it’s so important to have a support person to call when you, the new “changing” parent, are being tested.

Giving in just one time to “old” parenting behaviors simply fuels a child’s belief that change can be defeated. It only increases the length and the strength of a child’s testing period.

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Now it’s time to begin to rule in or rule out what might explain or be contributing to your son or daughter’s behavior. This is not the time to get down on your self. Rather, imagine yourself being a detective.

Some of the possible explanations for your child’s behavior may be unpleasant to explore or uncover. However, ignoring or avoiding what’s tough to face may lead to things only getting worse. Remember, it takes courage to parent and courage to explore new ideas and try something different.

The information on this website covers a lot of different types of issues and problems a parent or child might be experiencing. Knowledge will empower you to do what you need to do, for and with your child. Local community resources for each behavioral or emotional problem area are identified. Some people find it difficult to ask for help. Lots of websites are also identified that provide additional information so parents can learn on their own.

Some articles will unlock the mystery of what’s happening inside the adolescent brain and why some children continue to misbehave. Others will discuss how to keep your child safe and help your child break the habit of lying.

WHEN CHILDREN BECOME ADOLSECENTS, A POSITIVE EMOTIONAL RELATIONSHIP WITH A PARENT IS THE STRONGEST INFLUENCE ON THEIR DECISION TO FOLLOW RULES. ADOLESCENTS STILL NEED THEIR PARENTS’ APPROVAL, AND STILL WANT TO PLEASE.

Remember, all adolescents go through up’s and down’s. Many physical changes are happening, all at the same time, in the adolescent body and brain. Frequent and sudden changes in adolescent behaviors and emotions can be confusing and frustrating to deal with. The normal path of adolescent development is a bumpy road and can temporarily mimic more serious problems. Parents might need to seek professional assistance if their adolescent’s troubling behaviors and/or emotions become more intense and seem more permanent.

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On this website you will find helpful information, someone who can offer you hope, and a hand you can grasp for support.

WHAT’S ON THIS WEBSITE FOR PARENTS

CURRENT MICHIGAN LAW as of July, 2008

1. Facts Parents Need to Know

2. The Legal Rights of Parents

3. Emancipation of a Minor Child – What Are the Facts?

THE JOB OF PARENTING

1. “I Loved You Enough”

2. Keeping Young People Safe: How to Decide When to Say “Yes” or “No” to Your Child’s Requests

3. Why Some Children Continue to Misbehave and What To Do About It

4. How Parents Can Help Their Child Start Telling the Truth

THE ADOLESCENT BRAIN

1. Why Do Teens Act the Way They Do? 2. What Makes Teens Tick?

3. How to Teach Decision-Making Skills to Adolescents

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ISSUES and PROBLEM BEHAVIORS

1. Helping Your Child Who’s At-Risk of Failing in School or Already Dropped Out of School

2. Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder

3. Preventing and Detecting Substance Abuse in Young People

4. Depression and Suicide – What Are the Signs?

5. Other Behaviors That Are “RED FLAGS” for Serious Emotional or Mental Health Issues (self-injury, extreme aggression and defiance, fire setting, animal cruelty, and eating disorders)

6. Young People Who Run Away from Home – What to Do?

7. Protecting Your Child’s Safety on the Internet

8. Dating Violence – Is Your Young Person at Risk?

9. Information to Help Parents Talk about Sex, SexuallyTransmitted

Diseases, and Pregnancy

10. Preparing Your Teen for Driving Privileges: “Parent-Teen Agreement”

BARRY COUNTY RESOURCE GUIDE FOR FAMILIES and CHILDREN

CELEBRATING CHILDREN

PREVIOUS REVIEWS/COMMENTS and WEBSITE EVALUATION FORM

The feelings of any child or adolescent are very tender and can be easily hurt. And so are the feelings of parents who are trying to be good parents, but are not experiencing respectful or loving children in return.

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BARRY COUNTY YOUTH SERVICE BUREAU

CONTACT INFORMATION: 206 W. Court Street, Suite 301 Hastings, MI 49058

(269) 945-1384 plynn@barryco.org HOURS: 8:00 AM – 5:00 PM Monday through Friday Evening appointments can be scheduled for working parents SERVICES: Counseling services are provided at school, home, or in the office. Referrals can be made by parents, school personnel, other service providers, police, or youth may refer themselves. There is no charge for this service offered by the County.

Services include:

Assistance when young people and their families are in crisis Individual counseling for young people Family counseling Information about legal rights of parents and minor children Assistance in identifying other appropriate service providers Barry County Truancy Intervention Program

HISTORY and MISSION

The Youth Service Bureau provides free services to Barry County young people (8-17 years of age) and their parents. The agency was established in 1976, to assist young people and their parents with problems related to school truancy, running away from home and incorrigibility (out-of-control) behaviors. Over the years, services have expanded to meet the changing needs and diversity of problems in Barry County. The mission of the Youth Service Bureau is to provide prevention services to young people and their families in an effort to stop the cycle of behaviors which frequently lead to juvenile delinquency, substance abuse, domestic violence, school failure, and homelessness.

www.findingcourage2learn.com

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This parent-friendly guide is dedicated to all adults who touch the life of a child. Learning how to navigate the journey of life in today’s world presents many challenges to children and the adults in their lives. FINDING THE COURAGE TO LEARN HOW TO HELP YOUR CHILD: Where to Start? and Where to Go? provides respectful, supportive information about parenting young people, understanding the up’s and down’s of adolescence, recognizing significant behavior and emotional issues young people can experience before reaching adulthood, and identifying local resources. All information for this project is available on a website and in a booklet. FINDING THE COURAGE TO LEARN HOW TO HELP YOUR CHILD: Where to Start? and Where to Go? is available free of charge. Donations are accepted by the “Barry Community Trial Court Initiative,” a tax exempt fund established to help needy children under the jurisdiction of the Barry County Juvenile Court, 220 W. Court Street, Hastings, MI 49058.

This community outreach project is endorsed by the following organizations: Barry Community Resource Network Barry County Family Division Friend of the Court Barry County Juvenile Court Barry County Sheriff Department Child Abuse Prevention Council of Barry County Disclaimer: All websites have been carefully selected to provide additional information on a specific topic discussed in an article. Any linkage to other internet websites, not cited and/or not intended for the specific educational benefit stated in the article, is the sole responsibility of the user. Images on this website were specifically chosen to illustrate the text and were obtained from the public domain of Live Search, unless otherwise indicated.

Additional educational resources for parents are available at all local Barry County libraries. The Child Abuse Prevention Council of Barry County has purchased a large number of books and videos for local libraries. Go to www.capcbc.org for a listing.

Patricia R. Lynn, B.S., M.A.S.W., has been the Barry County Youth Service Bureau Caseworker since 1984. Her work experiences span the human life span and include working as a community organizer with the elderly through Hull House, Chicago; interviewing adult addicts for a National Institute of Mental Health research project; developing the monitoring and evaluation components of the Treatment Alternatives to Street Crime program in Cook County and throughout the State of Illinois; developing program and supervising staff at a cooperative summer camp; teaching at Mundelein College, Chicago; and teaching parenting classes through Region 12 SAPE and the Barry County Child Abuse Council. She has been trained in mediation and restorative justice community conferencing through the Dispute Resoluton Center, Kalamazoo. For the past 25 years Patricia’s work has been dedicated to assisting Barry County children and their families.